Thursday, October 24, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Fishtown Is Burning




Bashaud Breeland's having a rough season — he held Sutton AND ran into Honey Badger at the same time. Flacco finds Sutton at the 1. Everyone's behind him. Royce Freeman takes it in, and it took the refs a little too long to signal touchdown. Chiefs are offsides on the extra point try. Broncos now going for two. They give it to Lindsay and he... doesn't get it.  Shady with a couple good runs to start out. Mahomes finds Kelce in friendly traffic. Hardiman makes a juggling catch, two defenders fall down, and he does the rest. Extra point is good. 7-6 Chiefs. Flacco is sacked, but Royce Freeman recovers the fumble and saves some yards. But not that many, as Hardiman returns the punt 36 yards to the Broncos' 21. Field goal is... good. Philip Lindsay gets tripped up or he might have been gone. As it is, he's short, but defensive holding gives the Broncos a new set of downs. Sack! Got away with a face mask as well. Pass interference flag is picked up. Was that supposed to be a fake punt? It sure was — the Broncos send a gunner across the formation and then FAKED handing it off to him. The punter instead gets tackled for a 16-yard loss. That was doomed from the jump.




Darrell Williams is stopped short on 3rd and 1. Chiefs go for it with a Mahomes sneak, and it works. And he's still down. That may not have been wise.







Matt Moore comes in as Mahomes walks around on the sideline. Wait, Chad Henne's still in the league? (He's on IR, which is why Moore is on the roster.) They run it twice and do a toss play that falls incomplete, then kick a field goal. Erin's mic goes out. Flacco is sacked and fumbled, and Reggie Ragland picks it up for an easy score. 20-6. Now we check in with Erin, who says Mahomes is out for the game with a knee injury, and that he was only in the X-ray room for two minutes.




Flacco goes deep to Sutton and it's a miracle that didn't get picked off. Flacco gets sacked and fumbles AGAIN, but this time Lindsay is there to pick it up. Reid challenges that Flacco was already down. Mind you, this is second down he's doing this on. Broncos pick up the blitz and Flacco finds Sutton for 18 on 3rd and 14. Field goal is... wide right. Broncos get the ball back inside two minutes. Sanders makes a nice catch on the ground. Bolles called for holding again. Rookie Noah Fant gets caught looking at the oncoming defenders and drops the ball. 20-6 at halftime after a whole lot of nothing in the last 55 seconds. Moore with a great throw to Hill, who beats Chris Harris and scores easily.




Aikman's not sure that was the pass Moore was planning to throw. 27-6. Another three-and-out for the Broncos. Apparently Stefen Wisniewski's a Chief now. Fullback Anthony Sherman is the Chiefs' emergency quarterback, we are told. Aikman imploring the Broncos to show some life. He's sacked again by Frank Clark, who was being held by Bolles. That's the eighth sack for the Chiefs tonight (the failed fake punt also goes down as a sack.) End of 3. Aikman: "I'm shocked there are this many people still at the game." He said this AFTER they showed Elway in the owner's box. And it keeps getting worse for the Broncos.




Shot of Len Dawson smoking a cigarette during Super Bowl I. It was a simpler time. Butker field goal makes it 30-6 with 5:04 left. This'll be Reid's 200th career victory. (Chiefs 30, Broncos 6)

Signal Finder: OAK @ GB, AZ @ NYG, NO @ CHI

Still no Davante Adams for the Packers. Meanwhile, the Raiders are starting wide receivers with 43 career catches. Combined. Josh Jacobs doing a lot of work on that 42-yard run. Field goal by Daniel Carlson, the ex-Viking and Brown who may have found a home here. Rodgers play fake even fools Nantz, but he ends up taking a short scramble instead. Good run by Jones. Big play to Jimmy Graham, who slips on the turf or he may have scored. Jones with a good back shoulder catch in the end zone. Packers fullback Vitale finds a hole, makes a routine catch... and slips. What's going on down there? Sack! And the Packers have to punt. Nantz talks over a holding call that wipes out an 18-yard catch. Blown coverage leads to an easy Raiders touchdown, but the second holding call this drive on Sharpe wipes it out. Are all the Raiders' tight ends rookies? And have they completed a pass to a wideout on this drive? Touchdown Moreau (who is a rookie.) Vitale again. GERONIMO. Rodgers flicks it to Jamal Williams for an easy score. Carr hits Waller twice and the Raiders are suddenly at the Packers' 2. Carr rolls right, takes off, stretches for the pylon and... oh no, did he do it AGAIN? He stretches the ball out to get it to the pylon as he's going out of bounds, and the ball comes out, but when? Call REVERSED.




It's a fumble through the end zone, a touchback, and Packers ball. Fix this shit, NFL. There's absolutely no good reason that should be a rule. Lazard with a drop and the Packers are back to last week again. Kumerow beats his man, walks the sideline, and scores! They're looking at it and he may have caught the sideline. Even if he did, it'll stop the clock. Call STANDS. Packers get the second half kickoff. Rodgers goes to Valdes-Scantling for 59! Rodgers shows Carr how it's done. 28-10 Packers. Romo wonders if the Raiders are in four-down territory already, but they convert 3rd and 5, postponing the question, at least. Touchdown Waller! I wasn't expecting a shootout, to be honest. It's also apparently Tight End Day, as that's a touchdown for Jimmy Graham.




It's like the Packers aren't even bothering to cover the Raiders' tight ends. I thought Jacobs was going to score after that first cut he made  but the Packers caught up to him. He gets stopped on third and goal and the Raiders are going for it. Nantz notes that a field goal would make it a two-score game, but he then also notes that the Raiders haven't been able to stop the Packers at all. Jacobs goes high, gets spun around in midair... and doesn't make it! Raiders' defense gets a necessary stop. Carr looks for Waller in the end zone, but Kevin King intercepts him. ANOTHER touchdown pass from Rodgers, this one to Valdes-Scantling. Aaaand that'll be it for both starting QBs. (Packers 42, Raiders 24)




We get shipped here to see the immediate aftermath of this. Giving up two points AND the ball when you're trailing may be an all-timer. Interception! Coutee couldn't bring it in and Darius Leonard ends up with it. (Colts 30, Texans 23)




Busman's holiday for Panthers tight end Greg Olsen, as he's using his bye week to do color with Sam Rosen here. Saquon back. But the Cardinals get the opening kickoff. 4th and 3 and the Cardinals pass on a 53-yard field goal attempt. That was easy. Touchdown David Johnson's backup. Jones runs for 11 yards on 3rd and 8.




Then he throws into double coverage and it's intercepted by Jordan Hicks, who, sadly, is due to get hurt any time now. Chase Edmonds (he has a name!) runs through the Giants' "defense" for another touchdown.




Now he's back. Sure. That's good. Free play leads to a defensive pass interference call against the Giants. Shurmur challenges. Did the contact cause him to fall? Call STANDS. (I wonder, if it had been reversed, if the Cardinals would then have the option of taking the offside penalty that caused the free play in the first place.) Field goal is good as the rain starts to fall. 17-0 Cardinals. Tate makes some moves after the catch for a big play, which may be the Giants' best chance for big plays with Jones right now. NEXT PLAY, he throws a well-placed (!) rainbow to Rhett Ellison, who runs over Budda Baker and scores. Murray will learn to not take that sack, as it shortens the field for the punter. BLOCKED PUNT. TOUCHDOWN GIANTS. Murray gets run out of the pocket and tries a pass with his off hand that almost gets intercepted. Somehow this is the first time I've seen Barkley actually on the field today. You know who would have been a great complement to the young offensive core Olsen was talking about? Odell Beckham, Jr. Just saying.  Tate drops a catchable pass but he was pushed in the back. Jones is sacked and fumbles! Cardinals ball! Murray scrambles away for a first down, then gets hit while sliding. CHASE EDMONDS AGAIN. Did Terrell Suggs poke Evan Engram in the eye? Field goal is NO GOOD. Giants back on the move. Touchdown Barkley. Cardinals gets 11 on 3rd and 14 and decide to punt from their own 45. Kingsbury's Texas Tech career was tremendous? Oh, as a player. Right. Giants run a draw to Barkley on 3rd and 18 that gets three yards with 3:01 left and the clock running. Patrick Peterson blitzes, sacks Jones, and the Cardinals recover the fumble. Olsen still annoyed by the third down call, as everyone should be. Rookie mistake by Murray to run out of bounds on third down, saving the timeout-less Giants 13 seconds. Field goal is good. Then Slayton wastes time bringing the kickoff out of the end zone and only gets to the 12. These teams stink. THIRD AND 24. Jones lucky to not get caught for a safety there. He's hit as he throws on fourth down and the ball falls harmlessly to the turf. (Cardinals 27, Giants 21)

Stafford misfires and Trae Waynes intercepts it. Vikings take a knee and things get heated. Why are the Lions sitting on two time outs? (Vikings 42, Lions 30)




Ladies and gentlemen: PEAK CHARGERS. (Titans 23, Chargers 20)

Trubisky is back for the Bears. Punt is BLOCKED. It gets punched around and knocked out of the end zone for a safety. (That's a penalty. You can't do that IN the end zone.) No Kamara for the Saints today. Clouds are low but it's not a Fog Bowl situation. Saints are down to passing to their fullback. It's a weird situation. Challenge flag is out — Payton wants this Anthony Miller play to be a catch and fumble. Aikman thought it was a fumble before Payton even threw the flag. Call REVERSED. Saints ball at the Bears' 24. Bridgewater to Josh Hill (replacing Jared Cook) for a touchdown. Patterson takes the kickoff TO. THE. HOUSE. 102 yards! That was an unusual one where he never shifts into his fastest gear but still manages to outrun the Saints' cover guys. Also this is hot:




Trubisky throws low to Robinson, prompting the announcers to talk about how much heat Trubisky's gotten from fans of a winning team. I'd like to introduce these dudes to Carson Wentz. Then Trubisky hits Robinson for a first down. He goes deep to Robinson again but his left foot lands out of bounds.  He's targeted Robinson a lot on this drive. That sack wasn't great. Robinson can't quite stretch out far enough to bring that pass in. Field goal is good and it's 10-9 Bears. Bridgewater rolls towards the first down marker after being tripped from behind. Nagy challenges the spot. Call STANDS. First down Saints. Payton's unhappy about a facemask but you have to actually grab and hold on to it, not just graze it. Lutz good from 39 and the Saints retake the lead. Bad pass by Trubisky, missing an open Miller downfield. Saints got a piece of that punt, too, which is why running into the kicker wasn't called. Saints do that dumb thing where they try to draw a non-Bengals team offsides with a hard count on a 4th down and short. Just kick the field goal, my dudes. Lutz does not miss from here. Son of a BITCH. Wide right. Cohen gets cut down in the open field and the Saints will get the ball back with 1:49 left. That's a good punt. And that's a good return. How many three-and-outs can we squeeze in before halftime?




Three. The answer is three. The Saints return the punt for a touchdown. There's a flag down... and it's on the Saints. They take a knee and go into the locker room.




The Union won a playoff game! Latavius Murray gets through space pretty easily. SPEED! Ginn gets to the Bears' 3. Touchdown Murray. David Montgomery fumbles on the Bears' first play and the Saints recover. That's Lutz's second miss in a row. Trubisky may have gotten away with intentional grounding there? He won't escape this sack, though. There's your Taysom Hill Chunk Play Of The Week. Screen to Taysom Hill is well blocked and that's a touchdown. Is that a "TEDDY!" chant? Touchdown Murray and that's it. How are there still nine minutes left? Trubisky's been very scattershot — note the bomb to Miller and then the first three throws at the goal line. Touchdown Robinson on fourth down. The Bears recover the onside kick. Trubisky's been better on this drive. Another garbage time touchdown. Another onside kick. The Bears get THIS one, too, after it hits a Saints player. What is going on? Does someone have money on this game? The officials rule that the Bears player went out of bounds before he recovered it, so it's Saints ball. (Saints 36, Bears 25)

Feels like the loser tonight could see their season spiral out of control. Eagles win the toss and take the ball, which is interesting. Goedert fumbles and this team continues to have worthless opening drives. Prescott turns a sneak into an eight-yard stumble. Tavon Austin takes a flip, fakes out Scandrick, and scores easily. DeMarcus Lawrence finally gets a sack against the Eagles and Wentz fumbles. Touchdown Elliott. This game's over. turns TV off in disgust



Wentz gets hit right in the head. That's 15 yards.




Prescott finds Cobb, who was covered by Sendejo for... some reason. Something's wrong with Fletcher Cox — he hasn't made a play all season or commanded the double-teams he usually does. Getting interfered with is a top-5 all-time Jalen Mills moment. If the Eagles do trade for a cornerback, they almost have to send one of theirs out, right? What was THAT? 21-7. Now Hassan Ridgeway's hurt. The Eagles are out of defensive tackles.




Brett Maher hits from 63. Fuck this game. OH MY GOD A SACK. And a fumble on TOP of it? Are we suddenly on Earth-19? Then THIS happened:




crosses off Eagles




I suppose that's one silver lining. (Cowboys 37, Eagles 10)

INSPIRATION:


Jets missing tackles left and right. Bolden's up this week. He does NOT score here. Sony Michel, on the other hand, walks in untouched after getting two good blocks. That was a 16-play drive.




Devon McCourty picks off Darnold. Patriots lose three yards and settle for three. Darnold is sacked. Ball's out? Was Van Noy down? He gets up and runs into the end zone. Let's check. Van Noy WAS down so it's not 24-0. Yet. Steelers-Dolphins next week? For the love of God, WHY? Did they want to pay homage to their 3-0 tilt in a swampy Heinz Field? Because we could have that again, just without the swamp. First and goal already. An illegal block negates a touchdown, delaying the inevitable. Pats got a backup center playing fullback. Touchdown.




Bell is the Jets' only chance, and it may already be too late. Darnold gets intercepted AGAIN! Pats get the ball at their own 1 and don't get a first down.




Not a great punt. Darnold underthrows a double-covered Anderson, but does find Thomas for a first down. Crowder with a juggling catch that stands after a review. The Jets decide to keep their time out here and instead lose 10 seconds. Fourth and 4. Jets go for it again. Incomplete. Suzy Kolber: "Now the moment you've been waiting for." She throws it to Scott Van Pelt for the final Rise of Skywalker trailer. I'm ready for this to be over.




McCourty blitzes, forcing Darnold into a poor throw that Gilmore picks off. Who's beating this Patriots team? Pats' punt pins the Jets at the 3. High snap. SAFETY. 26-0. Tessitore assures Darnold that there will be better days. Brady hit as he throws and it's intercepted by Trumaine Johnson, his first highlight in about four years. Thomas signed with the Patriots in the offseason and was traded to the Jets after Week 2. He called his time there "a waste of time." Darnold gets intercepted AGAIN, this time by Terrence Brooks in the end zone. This was his biggest problem in college — poor recognition leading to bad turnovers.




Booger wonders why Gase isn't drawing up shorter routes, as all of Darnold's picks have been on deeper routes. It's because Gase is a fraud, Booger. Footage of Belichick's first MNF appearance, with the Browns in a loss to the Dolphins. It's still the third quarter? Darnold's missed nine in a row and Booger thinks it's time to pull him. Speaking of, I'd take Brady out too. This challenge is some petty-ass shit. To answer the "who can beat the Patriots" question, Booger suggests the Ravens and Colts. Jarrett Stidham finally comes in for the Pats after the Jets muff a punt. (Patriots 33, Jets 0)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. New England (7-0) — Soon to be 8-0
2. New Orleans (6-1) — All cylinders
3. San Francisco (6-0) — A well-earned rest
4. Green Bay (6-1) — The Eagles beat this team?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Atlanta (1-6) — During a fight, Aaron Donald almost broke Devonta Freeman in half
30. Washington (1-6) — Bad and ugly
31. Cincinnati (0-7) — Will they start selling off pieces?
32. Miami (0-6) — Is there even a short-term plan here?

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