Sunday, October 20, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Get Clean

There's so many other better things on. Is there weather? I heard there might be weather. Doesn't look like it. Pats ball first. Quick pass to Michel on the sideline. (That puts Brady past Peyton on the all-time passing yards list. He's now second.) It's a Brandon Bolden week and there he is for a nice run. Michel gets stopped on 3rd and 1. Going for it already? They're at the Giants 18, FYI. This is VERY close. NOPE. I don't get that this early in the game. All you've done is give an overmatched opponent confidence. That's a bad decision by Jones and it gets tipped and intercepted. Then Brady overthrows Edelman and it gets picked off by Janoris Jenkins! This is a RETURN. A late hit will move it back, but that's another big break for the Giants. They squander it and punt. Brady with a week to throw and finds Ryan Izzo on third down. This is an... incomplete pass, not a fumble. The Giants challenge. Call STANDS. Giants punt is BLOCKED! TOUCHDOWN. New kicker Mike Nugent puts the PAT through. Bradley Beal up here looking like Spike Lee at halftime of Sun-Mystics Game 5. Brady drops the snap, then casually lofts one up there that was either going to be a touchdown by Edelman or another interception by Jenkins. It was somehow neither. I don't know who Jacoby Meyers is but that's a good catch. Brady sneak... doesn't get there. But Bolden does on the next play. GOLDEN TATE! Once he brought that ball in it was a wrap. Edelman somehow gets open in the middle of the field. Brady is sacked and fumbles! Markus Golden picks it up. He stretches through a tackle... touchdown Giants! What is happening right now? Dude runs like a defensive end. (which is to say, poorly.)




White's elbow is down before the ball crosses the plane. This is the right call. This Brady sneak works. 21-14 Pats at halftime. I don't know who Emma Meesseman is but she's been killing it all series. Kristi Toliver's been around forever. Mystics win! They started hugging with 11 seconds left. I've never seen that.




Jones making rookie mistakes, throwing to yet another receiver who's not open and getting picked off. Patriots starting to take advantage of this talent-deficient Giants defense. Patriots throw short on 4th and 7, but they get lucky and get the Giants for holding (Jenkins, specifically). Nugent on for a field goal. THUD. No good. (The goalposts at Gillette don't have the CLANG of others. It's more like a dull, deep bonk.)







Jones REALLY needs to stop throwing to people who are well-covered. He's not good enough yet to make those throws consistently. Meanwhile, Patriots receivers keep getting open. Edelman loses his footing and only gains seven after a catch. Pats go for it on 4th and 5 and again they don't pick it up. They've left at least six points on the field in a weird game. Giants fumble! Kyle Van Noy picks it up and... scores? No? Yes! 28-14 Patriots. Punting on 4th and 2 with under eight minutes left? Cowards. Brady connects with a bomb to Edelman. Sneak gets another touchdown. I don't get this challenge, Giants. Especially after punting on 4th and 2 with under eight minutes left. Actually, I do. That's 100 percent pass interference. It will not get changed. It does not get changed. This was a bad idea, friends.




(Patriots 35, Giants 14; Astros 6, Rays 1; Mystics 89, Sun 78)

Dude muffs two punts in a row and the Panthers recover the second one. We're done here. Imagine thinking Jameis Winston will ever be good. O.J. Howard may as well not be on the team. He doesn't exist in this offense. This looks like a bad spot on this McCaffrey run. Or is it? It's... not, actually.
Field goal is... no good. Will this game please end? (Panthers 37, Buccaneers 26)

Signal Finder: PHI @ MIN, HOU @ KC, SEA @ CLE (end), DAL @ NYJ

Vikings run a double pitch that could have gotten more yards if someone other than Cousins ended up as the lead blocker. Cousins overthrows Diggs. Thielen saves him with a diving catch on third and 12. Cook is stopped short and the Vikings challenge. Charles Davis wonders if the Vikings aren't going to go for it regardless. Vikings win the challenge and its first and goal. Touchdown Thielen. Penalty on a kickoff (that Sanders admits he shouldn't have fielded) pins the Eagles at their own 7, and that ends about as well as you'd expect. Vikings are clearly targeting Sidney Jones. How Cousins didn't go down on that shot from Bradham I'll never know. But holding on Douglas prolongs the drive. Thielen is ruled out of bounds on third down on a good play by Jenkins. (The announcers wonder if the Vikings should challenge this, but his knee was out of bounds.) Field goal is good. Wentz scrambles for eight and tack on five for defensive holding. First pass of the game is a screen to Jeffery that gets a first down. Too-low throw by Wentz on third down gets deflected. Elliott makes it from 53! Diggs sets Douglas on fire for a 62-yard touchdown. McLeod was stationary on that play.




Eagles go on fourth and 2 but it's incomplete, and I'm surprised they threw there. Cousins IMMEDIATELY hits Diggs for a 51-yard touchdown and this game is over. Sanders!




Then the defense actually gets a stop. Third down pas goes right through Ertz's hands and it looks like he didn't even see it. He thinks he was held — and he was. Cousins throws to Diggs, but it goes off his hands. INTERCEPTED. That ball hung up there and ex-Viking Andrew Sendejo tracked it down. Agholor leaks out on 3rd and 2 and gets out of bounds. Peters has been in and out, and now he's out. Davis notes that the refs have been letting the receivers and corners battle each other downfield. Fake field goal? Why is Elliott throwing it? It's picked off and that'll end the half.




Pederson defends the indefensible. Eagles get the ball to start the second half. Agholor makes a play for 23 yards. Then Sanders goes deep again and Wentz hits him for 45! They're at the Vikings' 4. Wentz dances around for a bit, then eventually finds Jeffery for a touchdown. Davis isn't buying this pass interference call on Jones. Then the Vikings commit back-to-back penalties. If Jeffery stays inbounds that's a touchdown. As it is, it's a gain of 26. Another wide receiver screen and this one doesn't work. Elliott good from 40. Two straight completions to Diggs. This was supposed to be a wide receiver pass but Diggs wisely decides against it on two occasions. Does he keep both feet inbounds here? Oh, he does and that's another touchdown. Wentz angrily spikes the ball after they don't get the play off in time. Vikings blitz and Wentz has no chance. Meanwhile, Cousins has faced exactly zero pressure in the pocket with a not-great offensive line (that lost its left tackle on the first series) in front of him. Big run by rookie Alexander Maddison. Touchdown Cook. Wentz gets cheap-shotted on the ground. Wentz finds Ertz on 4th and 15! Fumble? Oh no. Vikings have it. Let's see. That's definitely a catch. Is the ball coming out? Call stands.




Yeah, it's pretty much over after that. What an absolute humiliation. (Vikings 38, Eagles 20)

Tyler Lockett touchdown is REVERSED after review. Why are they playing the Undertaker's theme music? Carson punches it in and the Seahawks retake the lead with 3:47 left. Mayfield's had a rough day. That one should have been caught. And why is Hilliard in the game instead of Nick Chubb in the first place? Seahawks ball and it's over if the Browns can't get a stop. Browns use their two time outs, then the Seahawks call one. Carson gets another first down and you can pack this one in. I do wonder if Freddie Kitchens is in a David Blatt situation, where he's coaching a team that's very different from the one he thought he was getting when he accepted the job. (Seahawks 32, Browns 28)

Big play by Darrell Williams gives the Chiefs the ball deep in Texans territory. That won't help. 2nd and 25? Sure. Chiefs jump offside and Mahomes finds the now-back Tyreek Hill in traffic, and he stretches out and breaks the plane. Touchdown! Carlos Hyde fumbles on the Texans' first play and it's Chiefs ball! Robinson almost caught that for a touchdown. Chiefs still turn it in to three points. Then Hopkins fumbles, but the refs say his forward progress was stopped, preventing another Chiefs touchdown. No idea how Mahomes got that to Kelce while throwing off his back foot. McCoy zigs and zags for 15. Mahomes to Hill to the 15. Screen to Damian Williams and he scores easily. 17-3 Chiefs already and the first quarter isn't over yet.




Now it is. Watson goes deep for Fuller but he stumbles and can't bring it in. Texans go back to Hyde. A rare carry from Duke Johnson. Then he does what he does best -- catch passes -- and scores. Extra point is... no good. Mahomes gets hit low and there's a flag somewhere. Then he throws an interception in the end zone, but that'll be negated because of pass interference. Then the refs discuss it... and pick the flag up because the ball hadn't been thrown yet, apparently. So the Texans will get this ball after all. Some post-catch unpleasantries being exchanged on the sideline. Morris Claiborne's still in the league? WR jet seep on third and 3 gets 2. Chiefs blitz on 4th and 1 but Watson finds Hopkins. Touchdown Hyde. CBS's sound a little too good there. The Texans don't go for two here, and the kick is good. Butker misses from 50 for the Chiefs. Texans go for it on 4th and 1 with a deep ball that gets intercepted in the end zone. Not sure why Fuller and Couttee were in the same place at the same time. Mahomes gets the ball knocked out of his hands and the Texans recover at the Chiefs' 4! You can see on that one angle the fight for the ball on the ground. 23 seconds left in the half. Watson rolls out and runs it in! It's 23-17 Texans at the half, which is remarkable after that start.
Another one through Fuller's hands. Hill sits down in the zone and catches an easy touchdown pass. PAT puts the Chiefs back in front. This Chiefs defense, besides being bad, also commits a lot of penalties. Hyde bashes through for a big run. Hopkins with a dropped pass. Watson throws a lob fade but it's picked off! Bad decision there, as Hopkins was double-covered. Javarris Ward went over Hopkins and did one of his one-handed catches to get that. Texans' next drive starts with Watson being surprised by a snap. Duke Johnson with a rare carry. Five Chiefs are needed to keep Daniel Fells out of the end zone. Watson takes it himself and stretches across the goal line. Hopkins catches the two-point conversion, then gets punked and no penalty is called. Texans stop the Chiefs, but are then faced with a 4th and 3 at the two-minute warning. The Texans go for it (passing on a 45-yard field goal try) and Hopkins makes a sliding catch. That'll do it.




Remember, two years ago, the Chiefs turned a 4-0 start into 6-6. They haven't lost back to back games at home since 2013. (Texans 31, Chiefs 24)




...so that's a "no". Also, they benched Rosen for Fitzpatrick in a move that will somehow end both men's careers. (Redskins 14, Dolphins 13)

If that wasn't bad enough, now we have to watch the absolute farce that is Cowboys-Jets. The NASCAR race is red-flagged? Now it's postponed? Fuck it all. I'm doing laundry. Aric Almirola just called NBC "FOX." Amari Cooper has more receiving yards than ALL OF THE JETS COMBINED. Jets are in the red zone for only the fourth time this year. Nantz says the league average through four games is 16 red zone opportunities. Did Romo just call the Jets a "scary opponent"? Really, dude? I mean, it fits the definition of a trap game, but it's the least-trappy trap game ever. That looks like a horse-collar tackle on Darnold. It is, and that was dumb because Darnold wasn't going to score. DPI is the fourth Cowboys penalty on this drive. Touchdown Bell! What's up with the clock in the score bug? Elliott makes a juggling catch near the sideline. Gallup can't catch this Prescott pass on 3rd and 4. Field goal is good. Footage of the cameraman getting plastered on that tackle of Bilal Powell. He got hit so hard the color bars went out. Cowboys call a toss on 3rd and 11. It doesn't work AND they get called for offensive holding. Nantz notes that Cooper wasn't out there, and Tracy reports that he's questionable with a quad injury. Tavon Austin finds a hole in the zone. Jets make a stand. Cowboys going for it from the Jets 7. Dak keeps it and LOSES two yards! Jets take over! 92-YARD BOMB TO ROBBY ANDERSON!! What is going on here? The Jets then get another stop on defense. They're gonna get the ball back. Big play by Demaryius Thomas, his first in about five years. Ryan Griffin gets out of a foot tackle by Vander Esch and it's first and goal. Griffin again... that's a touchdown. And this is now officially a trap game. Brian Poole just dropped an interception. Cowboys are at the literal edge of field goal range. And by that I mean ANYONE'S field goal range. Maher's gonna try from 62. It hooks back over... and it's GOOD! Romo can't believe it. 21-6... JETS at the half and not dull. Cowboys get the ball to start the second half. Feeding Elliott probably the best strategy here. Gotta put a man on Gallup. Witten touchdown is called back because of offensive pass interference. Romo doesn't like it at all. Ball back at the Jets' 14. Zeke drops the pass. Field goal is good. Nantz and Romo discuss the penalty with Steratore, who also didn't really like the call, but isn't sure the Cowboys would have won a potential challenge. Bad throw by Darnold and it's intercepted. What a waste. Prescott overthrows everyone. Maher MISSES from 40! Thomas with another catch. Robert Quinn comes completely free on a sack after the Jets block Sean Lee instead. Jets are the worst third  and long team in the league, and that continues. They really need to do better with numbering or subtitling these Call of Duty games, especially the Modern Warfare ones. They just use the same titles over and over again. Jets punt, then start off the Cowboys' drive with a roughing penalty. Drive ends with an Elliott touchdown. 21-16, 6:20 left. Darnold to Crowder for 30! Then he hits Anderson for 18 to get into field goal range. Big play here. A first down means the Cowboys have to start burning time outs. Incomplete. Ficken field goal is good. Jets now self-destructing, with three straight penalties, one of which was declined. That one's on the Cowboys. And there's another DPI on the Jets, this one on Jamal Adams, which was particularly ridiculous.




This is also making these last two minutes take absolutely forever.




Six penalty flags in a row. That's absolutely ridiculous. How are we supposd to trust these people? Touchdown Cowboys. Did Dak keep that? He did, and ties Staubach's record for Cowboys quarterback rushing touchdowns. Gotta go for two now. INCOMPLETE! Adams blitzed up the middle and Prescott threw it wild! Onside kick won't matter as Nantz wonders whether the competition committee will look to do something about it. Thomas got real lucky to pull that back in. Jets win! Nothing makes sense. Wild fact: Only one team in the Super Bowl era has won a Super Bowl after losing to the Jets in the regular season — the 2001-02 Patriots (their first one). Let that sink in. (Jets 24, Cowboys 22)




This didn't go so well. The jury's in on both of these guys, unfortunately. (Broncos 16, Titans 0)

Devlin Hodges: Third-string quarterback or NXT jobber? Who knows? WHO KNOWS. Melvin Gordon starting tonight for the Chargers. That's a backward pass. Which makes it a fumble, and which makes it touchdown Steelers. Devin Bush picks it up and dives into the end zone. That's why the Steelers traded up to get him (which they rarely do). So is THAT. Bush intercepts a tipped pass. That's an... interesting hair situation the kid's got. Two straight passes to Conner. Then he takes a shot to the back but still manages to get a first down. Touchdown Conner! That's a great punt, but the Steelers accept the penalty hoping for better field position. They gain one yard on the rekick. Hodges does NOT need to be leaving the pocket and taking hits. I don't even know who the next guy is at this point. Conner breaks a tackle and jogs the last 10 yards. 21-0 Steelers and nothing makes sense. The Steelers almost got another interception but Rivers' pass hit the ground first. Rivers goes deep to Mike Williams but he can't bring it in. He does catch a shorter route on third down. Then he gets 20 on the next play. Rivers gets flagged for grounding. Field goal is... no good. CLANG. There isn't a Chargers fan in that place.




12-4 but the point stands. Hodges hasn't had to do ANYTHING. This is the best the Steelers could have possibly hoped for. Screen to Benny Snell gets another first down, but it's called back for offensive holding. Then the Chargers get hit with an unsportsmanlike conduct flag.




Conner's been on the sideline for the last five plays. Snell gets to the unofficial yellow line. They measure and he got it by the tip of the football. The snap gets past Hodges, which is the first bad thing that's happened to him tonight. Boswell's kick is good. He's been perfect this season, a nice bounce back from a rough year last year. Steelers almost blocked that punt. Has Hodges attempted 10 passes? Steelers punt, but it's muffed and they get it back! Wow. Terry McAuley says this is actually fair catch interference, since Desmond King did signal fair catch. The officials are discussing it now. Indeed, they do change the ruling to fair catch interference and the Chargers will keep the ball. That's their biggest victory of the night. Hey, a Keenan Allen sighting. Nice play by Joe Haden to knock that pass away. Sad field goal! Some footage of Hodges doing duck calls. That's where this game has gone. He's the 2018 Alabama state champion? WHAT? That interception was his first mistake of the night. Rivers having a worse night somehow. Guys dropping balls, no running game, missing opportunities for big plays, and he's getting no protection on the right side (and hasn't for years).
Pass to Hunter Henry in the back of the end zone is incomplete. Then another official calls it a touchdown. They review it and it is, in fact, a touchdown. The Steelers have used seven straight first-round picks on defense. And, as Al points out, it's eight if you count them trading next year's No. 1 to Miami for Minkah Fitzpatrick. They didn't have Jason Moore scouted, though. (Which makes sense; the Chargers just brought him up.) Touchdown Henry! Are the Steelers Chargering? Hodges keeps it on third down and comes up one yard short. Cris says they should go for it instead of trying a 54-yarder. They're gonna PUNT. Or send the punter out, at least. Al, Cris, and the Chargers all seem to think a fake is possible, as the Chargers move some guys up to the center of the line. They punt it away... and it's downed at the 1! Rivers throws up an interception and that's that.




OOF. (Steelers 24, Chargers 17)

Remember when the Lions COULD NOT win here? They've won three of their last four and are on a W4 against the Packers. FLEA FLICKER TO GOLLADAY FOR 66 YARDS. Stafford trips over... well, I'm not quite sure what. He still finds Jesse James to salvage the third down and give Prater a shorter field goal. The Lions go deep on the first play on their second drive to Marvin Hall for 58 yards. They have a PLAN tonight. Slant to Golladay creates first and goal. Screen to the tight end gets to the goal line but not over it. Johnson goes over the pile but gets stopped short. I thought he'd made it initially. GO FOR IT. They give to Johnson again and... what is it? One official says no, one says yes. They call it a touchdown. I thought he made it, but now I'm not sure. I can't overturn it, regardless. It'll count. 10-0 Lions. Rodgers with a week to throw, but has to check down to Jones. Replay shows Valdes-Scantling slipped and everyone else downfield was covered. Jamal Williams back. Jones fumbles and the Lions get it! Stafford scrambles for 10. Johnson gets upended. Stafford's completion to Jones is his seventh straight completion. Second quarter starts with a screen to Johnson that takes the Lions to the Packers' 7.




Stafford overthrows Golladay in the corner and they settle for a field goal. Both Rodgers and Geronimo Allison fell backwards on that pass. (It was caught.) Jones drops a long pass that would have been a touchdown. Rodgers rolls left and fires into the end zone, but Graham can't hold on.




But the Lions get caught with 12 men on the field and the Packers get a first down, which is extremely Lions. Williams takes the pitch and finds just enough space to turn the corner and score. 13-7. The Jets winning gave them the best possible promo for next Monday night. The Packers' receivers look like the Eagles'.




Williams bursts through a hole and gets to the Lions' 10. Someone take an angle, jeez. Packers start moving backwards. Crosby field goal is good. 13-10 Lions at halftime. Marcedes Lewis hasn't had this many receiving yards in a decade. Crosby is good from 48. Packers send everyone after Stafford, and the line  blocks the interior rush but can't stop the edge. Muffed punt! Lions ball! They kick it and retake the lead. Snacks Harrison buries Rodgers at his own 3. Haven't seen Aaron Jones since that dropped long bomb. The Packers just get this play off and Rodgers hesitates for a moment as if he didn't think they had. They don't get the first down and punt. Stafford almost loses his footing (we've seen a few guys slip tonight) before finding Golladay. Another field goal makes it 19-13 Lions. The Packers desperately miss Davante Adams, who hasn't played since leaving the Eagles game hurt. Nobody else can catch! Pretty sure Preston Smith left early on that sack. Hey, a catch by Valdes-Scantling! Rodgers goes to Darrius Shepherd at the 5, who falls down — and Justin Coleman catches the deflection and returns it into Packers territory! Rough night for Shepherd, who also muffed the punt earlier. Packers challenging this completion. But he fumbled out of bounds? Why do this? The call gets reversed (um, HOW?) and Prater's on to try a 54-yarder. NAILED IT. Phantom face mask call takes away a sack and gives the Packers a first down. And three plays later, Rodgers goes 35 yards to someone named Allen Lazard for a touchdown! Refs miss a pass interference call on Redmond. Not that it would have been overturned anyway. Which is the problem.




Rodgers scrambles for 15.




Two minutes left. First down pass to Lazard. Replay of the 2015 Hail Mary in Detroit. Lions call their last time out. Rodgers has nothing, dodges a rush, and throws it away, but... Illegal hands to the face on the Lions may have just doomed them. I don't know about THAT one, either. Booger's furious.




The Packers hand off to Williams, who recognized that the Lions were going to let him score (as they should have) and he slides at the 4. Packers take a knee, then set up Crosby for a 23-yarder. It's good. That was a fucking travesty. (Packers 23, Lions 22)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. New England (6-0) — Two and a half phases
2. New Orleans (5-1) — Shifting to defense
3. San Francisco (5-0) — Yet another L.A. takeover
4. Green Bay (5-1) — Better lucky than good, right?

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (1-4) — You're still really bad, guys
30. Atlanta (1-5) — I'm surprised Dan Quinn survived that
31. Cincinnati (0-6) — I feel like this new kid doesn't know what he's doing
32. Miami (0-5) — Imagine not wanting off this scuttled ship
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