Thursday, December 27, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Covered In Eggs

Eric Berry back, yet again. Hopefully this is the last time we have to go through this. Of course you gotta get ribs in the opening montage. We're in Kansas City! Underthrow by Rivers leads to an interception. Williams turns the corner for 14 yards. Mahomes gets run out of the pocket and Williams bails him out with a third-down catch. Who is Darrell Williams? Mahomes had a week to throw that pass and he finds Robinson in the end zone. The Chargers are standing around stunned. Rivers to Gates, because that's never happened before. Tripping by the offensive line on a sack. Good job, dude. Damian Williams is left open and almost reaches midfield. He's faster than Kareem Hunt is, I think. Also, no Spencer Ware yet? Touchdown Darrell Williams! Again, who? Chiefs penalties keeping this Chargers drive going. Allen thinks he caught a touchdown here, but he's out of bounds before he actually gets control. Touchdown Mike Williams. SPECIAL TEAMS. Chargers somehow survive the kickoff being returned into their own territory and force the punt. Tyrell Williams catches a "hell with it" pass from Rivers to get them out of their own end. Obligatory River/Eli/Ben graphic. Aikman takes an unwitting(?) shot at Eli by saying that nobody in L.A. is talking about how much time Rives has left. Pass into the end zone is... intercepted? Review says yes. Chiefs ball. Noted Canadian Ryan Reynolds is part of the halftime show. Hill takes a shot and still somehow hangs on to that ball. Now it's first and goal, because of course it is. Touchdown Damien Williams. 21-7 Chiefs. Tony Gonzalez went into the Ring of Honor tonight and joins the guys in the booth. Imagine this team with him on it. Good Lord. Chargers getting a lot of run out of this Jackson kid. Mike Williams touchdown RUN? Well then. 21-14. AFC playoff picture graphic. HOT PURSUIT! Mahomes out here throwing sidearm incompletions with his off hand. I didn't see a hold there, either. Bomb on a free play goes off Hill's helmet, and it turns out Hill left early also. Aikman makes a Jose Canseco joke. Illegal shift cancels a Williams first down run. Mahomes sneak... works? Yes, it works. Touchdown Chiefs.




Gates is 38, runs a 5.9 40 at this point, and is still out there making guys miss. What. Touchdown Justin Jackson. Travis Benjamin switched to #12? Rivers just misses Tyrell Williams and we're at the two-minute warning. Benjamin picks up 4th and 8 and gets to the 10.




Clock under a minute and still running. Incomplete to Jackson. Rivers gets sacked. That's a clean hit. Or is it? In slow motion there's definitely helmet contact. Still, that's not the worst one refs have missed in recent weeks. Incomplete to Mike Williams in the end zone, but the Chiefs get called for pass interference. I don't see that either. Touchdown Mike Williams. Being reviewed, of course. The Chargers' offense is still on the field, by the way. Aikman was sure that pass interference the play before this was actually on the Chargers. Back to this play, Pereira thinks Williams maintained control. It's ruled a touchdown. Buck remembers that this was done to the Chargers earlier this season and didn't work. Mike Williams is WIDE open and the conversion is good!




Chargers squib the kickoff and the Chiefs don't kneel immediately, instead trying pitchy pitchy woo woo. It's over! Rivers actually wins at Arrowhead!




(Chargers 29, Chiefs 28)

Curt Menefee and Nate Burleson in the NFL Network booth with Mariucci. DeAndre Carter starting for the Texans as the third WR. Designed Watson run gets 25. Miller hurt. Whistle gets blown on Watson in the grasp, potentially costing them a touchdown because who knows. Field goal is good. Darnold misses Anderson in the end zone. Ex-Titan Rishard Matthews makes a diving catch for a first down. Watt jumps offside and blames the Jets. He still gets flagged. Robby Anderson catches a 7-yard pass on 3rd and 3. Field goal is good. Texans go back in front. Fumble! Watt causes chaos and the Texans take over just across the 50. No Isaiah Crowell for the Jets, by the by. Touchdown Hopkins, who turned into an outfielder on that lob from Watson.




Field goal makes it 16-3 Texans. Darnold rolls out and hits the tight end for a first down. Two minute warning. Anderson gets open and gets to the Texans' 5. Touchdown Anderson! That's the Texans' first punt? Huh. Touchdown Roberts! Extra point is MISSED for the second time! The Jets should actually be up one right now.







Watson evades a rusher and turns a sack into a one-yard gain. Jets' defense popped on that series. Carter caught that pass from Watson and no one seemed to notice. Jamal Adams gets Watson on a blitz, the sixth sack for the Jets today. The Texans' offensive line is bad. Field goal is good. 19-15 Texans with 12:33 left. Darnold gets a first down on a sneak. Then he finds the tight end Herndon after a scramble for 27 yards. Announcers think the Jets should challenge this spot on fourth down, but it's the Texans who call time out just before the Jets snap the ball. The Jets SHOULD challenge that, and I'm not an advocate of challenging spots. No idea what any of that was about. Darnold to Anderson gets it anyway. Darnold sprints left and gets inside the 10. Jets push into the end zone and take the lead. Extra point is GOOD. 22-19. Hopkins! Morris Claiborne gets caught holding Hopkins three plays later. Watson gets away and finds Thomas inside the 25. Hopkins fights off Claiborne in the end zone and makes the catch! He's hurt. Watson and Blue carry him off the field. Extra point is good. Texans up four. 2:15 left. Darnold had a shot at Anderson deep but Joseph knocked it down. Menefee reminds us of the Jets' two missed extra points. Anderson jumps up on 4th and 14 but can't quite get to the ball. Texans SURVIVE. (Texans 29, Jets 22)

Two fringe playoff contenders here? Wild. That's the best catch Breshad Perriman's ever made in the pros. Touchdown Browns. I did not know the Chubbs were cousins, though it makes sense. (And with their interest in Nick, the Broncos ending up with both of them — making them teammates AGAIN — would have been nuts.) That pass to Duke Johnson was almost intercepted. Jamie Collins goes helmet-to-helmet on Courtland Sutton and gets flagged. DPI gives the Broncos first and goal at the 5. Devin Booker does... not score? Hmmm. Keenum rolls out on third down and dives into the end zone. Tied at 7.




David Njoku helps bail Mayfield out of 3rd and long. Mayfield goes deep into traffic and it's knocked down. Broncos have had the ball a lot and haven't done as much with it as they should. Field goal is good. Duke Johnson with a rare carry for 16. That's a coverage sack. And it's because there was some holding on that coverage. I thought he said 29, not 21. No matter, as it's first down Cleveland. The Broncos haven't really tested the Browns deep much, but it's helping Keenum, who's hitting on a lot of short routes. There's one to LaCosse for a first down. And there's another one to Sutton for another first down. Aaand that may be why. Good play by Peppers in the end zone to pick that off. Now it's Mayfield's turn to throw an end-zone pick. We go into halftime tied at 10. How the hell is that taunting? Mayfield, with time, manages to find Njoku, who extends to make the catch and get a first down. Fumble! Broncos get it. Field goal is good. Holding wipes out a 35-yard Chubb run. Greg Robinson's been a terrible pro. I swear there's been a flag every three plays this quarter.




Miller sacks Mayfield to end the third quarter and set the new Broncos sack record. Interception Browns! Pass into tight coverage almost gives it back but Landry manages to snare it. Higgins gets the Browns into the red zone. Touchdown Callaway! Browns lead! Philip Lindsay with a much-needed big run for the Broncos. This DaeSean Hamilton catch is close. Refs say he's short and the Broncos challenge. Call reversed. This crowd's been hyped all game, by the way. I don't like this decision to kick a field goal with less than five minutes left. Chubb breaks off a 40-yarder! Swing pass on 3rd down comes up short. I don't know why they're reviewing this; it's not a first down.




Call stands. That didn't need to take as long as it did. Broncos burn their last time out, for some reason. Then the Browns coaches call time out as the Broncos had jumped offsides! WHY ARE THEY GOING FOR THIS? Chubb is STUFFED. Dear Lord. Broncos take over with 1:48 left. Bad tackling helps Booker get into Broncos territory. Jabril Peppers with the sack! It's over! crosses off Broncos (Browns 17, Broncos 16)

Signal Finder: DAL @ IND, TEN @ NYG, OAK @ CIN (end), PIT @ NE

No Beckham for the Giants again. Gotta make those, Succop. The Derrick Henry diet is back, ladies and gentlemen. Review overturns this touchdown. That's not a good angle but fine. Mariota... doesn't make it? Oh, there he is. Refs say no. I'd have challenged that. Henry DOES get in on fourth down. Barkley loses 10. Oof. This Henry run will stand. I'll need more context than I got here. Giants force a punt, then run their own fake punt. Oh, wait, that was not designed. He lost his grip on the ball, the Titans stayed home, and he took off. Insane. Now they have an outside shot at points here. Eli gets rushed and sacked to end the half. Sterling Shepard with a big catch. That's a great play by Byard to pick that off. What's the review here? Down by contact? Sure, OK. It's still Titans ball. Mariota waits for Luke Stocker to get ridiculously open and finds him for a first down. Titans cover the hell out of this punt. Eli fumbles and it's Titans ball. Giants appear to get a stop at the 3 but a facemask gives the Titans a new set of down. Touchdown Henry. Dion Lewis getting in on the action. He's like salad substitute, I guess. Field goal is good and that's it. Eli hits Bennie Fowler for about 45 inconsequential yards. I should point out now that with the Jets playing here yesterday afternoon (and the weather being bad), the end zones were not painted this weekend. Off throw by Eli hits Byard in the back and that's that. Titans still alive! (Titans 17, Giants 0)

Dak throws behind Hurns. BLOCKED FIELD GOAL. No whistle? TOUCHDOWN COLTS? Nah, it's #97, Charles. They eventually (correctly) rule that Darius Leonard was down by contact after recovering the ball. Of course, that's a clear recovery. Fuck this league. Big run by Marlon Mack. Suddenly it's first and goal at the 1. Lawrence wrecks the right tackle and forces Luck into a bad throw that Hilton cant bring in. Touchdown Mack.




Oh, upon seeing it again, it was #96 that actually blocked the field goal. My apologies. Elliott making moves in space. Second quarter begins with the Cowboys in the red zone. Maybe not the ideal time to throw to the fullback? Cowboys going on 4th and 1 from the Colts' 3. NAH, SON. Hilton has a problem with that illegal blocking call. Wilkins turns a screen that looked doomed into a seven-yard gain. Ryan Grant spins out Byron Jones and gets a first down. When did Eric Ebron stop sucking? Colts' O-line letting them down with penalties. Tyron Smith gets flagged for picking up a defensive back by his shoulders. Dak wasn't good on that drive. Cowboys go for 4th and 1 again in no-man's land (the Colts' 41 or so) and Elliott picks it up. Dak gets sacked on 3rd and 9, ending any hope of scoring on this drive. Just ran out of time there.




At this point, Sean Lee over Leighton Vander Esch is a downgrade. Colts in a two-minute drill. T.Y. Hilton scores if he doesn't slip. Refs miss pass interference on Iwubize. They do get Anthony Brown on a hold on the next play. Viniatieri's kick is good. 10-0 Colts at halftime. Colts running right through the Cowboys' defense right now.




Touchdown Mack and that was easy. Hilton with a clutch sliding catch. Luck takes off for six yards. Field goal is good and it's 20-0 Colts. Interception gets called back. Colts end up kicking a field goal. This has been thorough and decisive.




Mack fumbles with 4:04 left, putting the shutout in jeopardy. Or not, as Dak throws a bad pick four plays later. (Colts 23, Cowboys 0)

No James Conner but replacement Jaylen Samuels already doing big things. Touchdown McDonald! Brady's numbers at Heinz are sick. Play fake destroys two Steelers and Chris Hogan is as open as anyone has ever been. Ben to Road Dogg. Nantz: "And yes, that is a catch." Two straight sacks? Not good.

Eli Rogers back? He's been on the PUP list all season. Late pass interference flag on the Patriots. Touchdown Brown! That was a bullet into traffic. 14-7 Steelers. Big Michel run is called back because of a hold. Pats have two guys dive to get this punt out of the end zone, and the second man (Burkhead?) succeeds.





Steelers stuck at their own 1. Not any more! The saving grace for the Steelers might be that this Pats' defense just isn't great. Interception! Three minutes left in the first half and Gronk has yet to see a pass. Patterson picks up 3rd and 5. Then on 3rd and 9 he spins out of a hit and gets another first down. Was he down, though? It's being reviewed as Romo suggests the Steelers should call time out. After five different replays, we finally get the best angle of the shin that Steratore's talking about. Call reversed. 4th and 1. The Pats bring their offense out, then pull everyone off the field and bring on the punt team while the clock runs! The punt leaves the Steelers with 15 seconds, and they'll just go into halftime. A Grammys promo? Really? Two big plays from James Washington get the Steelers into the red zone on their first drive. Samuels runs left and gets to the 4. Get sacked or take an intentional grounding call? It's a tough choice. Boswell MISSES! This is how it starts. What happened to that dude? Seeing Edelman's stats flash onscreen makes me realize we haven't heard much from him, either. T.J. Watt with a sack. Brady throws incomplete on third down, but Haden interfered with Hogan. Oh, yeah, that's obvious and unnecessary, as Romo says. Screen to Edelman is stopped one yard short (and was almost a pick-six by Bud Dupree). Pats false start on the field goal attempt but still make it. Another interception by Harmon after way too many people were in the same place at the same time. (Brown and Rogers, for some reason, and three defenders.) There's the big Edelman play we've been waiting for. Morgan Burnett ran into a teammate to open that up. Steelers want to challenge what they think is a fumble, but they can't because the ruling was that forward progress was stopped. I'm not sure they'd have won anyway. Gronk! He fights through two Steelers and sets up first and goal. Pats are moving backwards. INTERCEPTION! Romo's right; I don't think I've ever seen Brady do that. Good job by Samuels to stay inbounds after converting that 3rd and 9. That's great defense by Jackson on that pass to Juju. Someone lose a shoe. Boswell on now. It's GOOD. Patriots don't get the ball snapped before the two-minute warning. Edelman! ANOTHER pre-snap penalty on the Pats. Belichick's going to blow several gaskets after this, win or lose. Brady misfiring all over the place now. Gronk just hasn't been open. One last chance. INCOMPLETE!





Wow! Steelers WIN! That NEVER happens. Man, I got this one ALL the way wrong and I couldn't be happier. (Steelers 17, Patriots 10)

I'm not sure that was necessary. Eagles win the toss and defer, choosing not to prolong the misery. That's an insane punt. Sproles gets into Rams territory. NBC's still doing that thing where they discolor the field? Field goal is good. Watching the Rams snap the ball so quickly, I'm reminded that the Eagles used to do that even last season at times. Woods picks a ball out of the air for a first down. Gurley already has more yards than last week. That's a pretty screen play. Gurley powers into the end zone. Cox limping off? Well, this game's over. Jeffery beats Talib. Sproles! Collinsworth talking about all the third and fourth downs they converted last year: "The numbers were unsustainable." John Johnson knocks the ball out of Ertz's hands to prevent a touchdown. He's been great this year, yes. Elliott field goal is good. Woods takes an end around 19 yards. Interception? Yes! Maddox with a diving pick. Foles throws one up and takes a shot from Donald, while Agholor can't bring it down at the other end. Eagles go for it on 4th and 1 from the Rams 49 and it's not close. That's a wasted turnover.




Gurley back. That's certainly a hold by Woods. Eagles finally get pressure and Cox sacks Goff on third down. Field goal is good. Aaron Judge and Tommy Lasorda are here. Where's Trout? The Rams burn a timeout with 2:09 left. Foles to Jeffery for 35! Jeffery with another catch at the Rams' 6. Touchdown Adams! Woods takes a screen in to field goal range. And that's all they get.




Shockingly, we're tied at 13 at halftime. See, the ideal thing to do would be to involve Ertz AND Jeffery equally in the offense. Pro tip: Don't back up inside the 5 to field a punt. Weird play calls by the Rams inside their own 5 — an outside run and a hitch route. That was a great series by the Eagles' defense. Foles with a bomb to Jeffery for 49 yards! Not sure why he AND Agholor were in the same spot. Touchdown Smallwood! What is going on?




Michele says the Rams have been working on Gurley's knee. LeBlanc down for the Eagles, who may have to call Mark McMillan soon. Smallwood with a nice run. There will be a metric assload of bad anti-Wentz takes, but here's a good one: Nick Foles knows Alshon Jeffery, Nelson Agholor and Golden Tate are on the team. Field goal is good. Maybe the Rams are just bad on NBC? What! Goff turns it over while being surrounded. What was he trying to do? He's gotta just go down. (That all started when his center stepped on his foot.) It's ruled an interception for stat-keeping purposes.




Eagles have the ball at the Rams 12. TOUCHDOWN SMALLWOOD. This is insane. Rams go three-and-out. Collinsworth's spent several instances pointing out that teams have started playing way back against the Rams to prevent the big plays. Fake punt! Pass is... caught? Caught. Eagles challenge. Call OVERTURNED. Huge cheer goes up from the many Eagles fans in attendance.




Foles gets picked off by Talib, who brings it to the 35. Woods breaks a tackle on 3rd and 3 and gets 11 yards. Goff misses Everett for what would have been six. Two plays later, he's slightly off target for Gurley in the end zone. At 4th and 13, you kick the field goal. Shelton Gibson lives? Ertz gets a first down. Down to 6:25 left. Rams still being stuck with the underneath stuff. Then he hits Reynolds for 34 yards and a touchdown. Or does he? No touchdown after review. Just run Gurley here. There it is. Extra point is good. 30-23. Block in the back by Johnson puts the Eagles in a deeper hole. Foles got lucky that wasn't intercepted. I just noticed the Rams are wearing their pre-St. Louis uniforms, which they should stick with. Eagles are forced to punt. FUMBLE! Eagles get it! That kid Matson has struggled with punts this year. The play clock is such where the Eagles can run it down to the two-minute warning now. Don't understand that call. This is the edge of field goal range. Why not go downfield? Rams are out of time outs, I should note. Elliott from 53. NOPE. Wide right. Surprised the Rams didn't spike it here. But if they had a play ready, might as well run it. 20 seconds left. Gurley doesn't go out of bounds, for reasons utterly unknown. He had a shot before he was tackled. Rams spike it, leaving them four seconds. 18 yards to go.




They did not. Too high and that's it! That's a more improbable win than the Super Bowl. And now, the two words every football fan hates: Quarterback. Controversy. (Eagles 30, Rams 23)

Wait. Cam got hit in the head and the refs threw a flag? STOP THE PRESSES. Panthers go for it on 4th and 3. HALFBACK PASS. TOUCHDOWN PANTHERS. I thought dude was gonna get caught from behind but he somehow didn't. Chris Manhertz. (Indeed.) Good kickoff return by Kamara. Ingram takes off for 29 yards. That ended abruptly. 7-3 Panthers. Brees with days to throw and he finds Watson downfield. I also thought he was down by contact. Brees sneak does NOT work. (He's only 6 feet tall.) Field goal is good. 7-6. Cam shows 'em how it's done. That wasn't necessary, Andrus Peat.




We never did find out, either. (One of the underreported problems with this broadcast is that nobody is on the same page half the time.) Panthers are pinned deep and the Saints hold. Whoa! Good play by Thomas Davis to break up the pass, then Bradberry comes up with the deflection! Panthers ball at the Saints' 45 after the return. Was this a designed run for Cam? That almost didn't work. He does get the first down. Then he makes a bad read looking for Funchess and Eli Apple picks him off. Saints lucky to only be down one at halftime. Brees wanted Watson but he couldn't hold on. Saints challenge but the call of incomplete stands. In case you were wondering whatever happened to Kenyon Barner, he just got wrecked on that punt return. Morstead gets roughed pretty badly. He's still down. OK. He's up in time to punt again. Cam slips on a third down dive and Tessitore thinks he got a bad spot. Panthers challenge. They win the spot. First down. That handoff to D.J. Moore was perfect up until he fumbled. Saints ball! By the way, it's still 7-6. I'm with Rivera... that was uncatchable. Hey, a Taysom Hill play that actually worked! Touchdown Kamara! Saints go for two. Intercepted! THIS IS HAPPENING. That's two points for the PANTHERS! So it's 12-9. That was a terrible decision by Brees. Looked like some of the passes Brady threw on the last drive yesterday. Kamara finds open space. Brees to Smith on 3rd and 10 and this is gonna be close. Just short. Witten predicts Payton will go for it here. He does and it works. Two minutes left. Panthers use their last time out with 1:51 left. NO! The Saints fumble out of the end zone! Panthers ball! There's not enough here to overturn this. Did Lewis not know they didn't need a touchdown at that moment? (It's still an awful rule.) Catanzaro's replacing an injured Gano? Welp. Cam gets sacked AGAIN. And Catanzaro won't even get the chance to blow it, as Cam gets blitzed and throws incomplete. crosses off Panthers (Saints 12, Panthers 9)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. New Orleans (12-2) — Can't remember the last knock-down drag-out they won like that one
2. L.A. Chargers (11-3) — In another time, we'd be singing the song
3. L.A. Rams (11-3) — Has the puzzle been solved?
4. Kansas City (11-3) — Tough one to take

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-11) — Was it supposed to be this bad?
30. San Francisco (4-10) — At least they've found a backup QB
31. Jacksonville (4-10) — This has been quite the collapse
32. Oakland (3-11) — Enjoy Reno next season


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