Saturday, December 15, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Don't Look Down

Jaguars! Titans! Thursday Night Football! A tradition unlike any other. I'm pretty sure it's in the CBA.


Titans not bothering with throwing the ball or anything. Not sure Lewis would have scored on that whether he'd stepped out of bounds or not. Henry pushes through everyone for the touchdown. Kessler is starting again. Aikman notes it took him 12 starts to get his first win. Buck: "He's way ahead of you." Fournette back after his one-game suspension for being stupid. Ereck Flowers starts at left tackle, if you needed another symbol of how bad things have gotten. Titans continue to not make Marcus Mariota throw passes. Oh, here's one, a third-down completion to Taylor. Throw is too high for Tajae Sharpe and it's picked off. Subsequent punt is muffed, and it ends up as a safety as seven Jaguars pile on. That ball can't end up in the end zone. At worst, just fall on it the first moment you can.




Kessler to Westbrook for 22. Aikman isn't buying this illegal block penalty. Kessler sneak... doesn't get it? Weird. OK, so the Jags are going for it. Second sneak picks it up. Rollout doesn't work, as the pass is a little high but the fullback doesn't catch it. Fournette tries it on 4th and goal and... nah.




Titans take over. WHAT. Derrick Henry just gave us the new Beast Mode. 99 yards down the sideline, and throwing people around the whole way.





Extra point is missed because Thursday night. Casey sacks Kessler, forcing a punt. Jags use 16 seconds to go three-and-out. Good job, guys. Sharpe somehow catches this (did it hit the ground? Hmmm) and somehow stays in bounds and gets 18 yards, but it's being looked at. Call reversed to an incomplete pass. We got a 16-2 halftime score, people! You can tell Buck's not familiar with the Jaguars because he called this season something "nobody saw coming." I mean, you could see this coming when they extended a quarterback they won 10 games without needing. Taylor Lewan took a boot to the head on that Mariota scramble. Derrick Henry does. Not. Care. Touchdown. Kessler hits Cole for 35 at the expense of Malcom Butler, who's had a terrible season. Of course, the Jaguars fumble it away on the next play. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The NEXT PLAY? Derrick Henry has four touchdowns. 30-2.



Kessler overthrows Westbrook in the end zone on third down, tries again on fourth down... but it doesn't look like Westbrook got his left foot down inbounds. This is gonna count, as it was ruled a touchdown. That was a mercy ruling. The third quarter somehow just ended. Titans try passing into the end zone. They had to know THAT wouldn't work.



They play Jack Buck's radio call of Dorsett's 99-yard run because why not. I've punched out. (Titans 30, Jaguars 9)

Signal Finder: BAL @ KC, NYG @ WSH, CAR @ CLE (end), ATL @ GB (end), PHI @ DAL

I'm Sorry You Had To See That:



Yes, he won them both. Doesn't matter. That's a poor use of resources in low-leverage situations. And why was this FOX's big early game? These teams are going exactly nowhere. The most compelling matchup in the 1 p.m. slot is Panthers-Browns. (Packers 34, Falcons 20)

Lamar Jackson starting again, as Flacco practiced Friday but isn't ready to return. Ravens win the coin toss and defer, which seems like folly. Spencer Ware is now the starting running back. Kelce elevates to convert a third down. Hill down on one knee on the sideline, pointing to his wrist. Kelce gets another first down. Touchdown Damian Williams. Ravens on the move on their second drive. Imagine being named Gus in 2018. Touchdown Ravens. Butker misses? That's rare. Jackson forced into an incompletion under pressure. Field goal is good but you knew that. Hill back. He just picked up a 3rd and 19 by bouncing off a defender three yards short, spinning out, and diving across the line. Kelce catches an easy touchdown. Chiefs get the ball back and this ridiculousness happens:




Then Mahomes slings one past Suggs to Ware, who goes down hurt after the play. Field goal is good. 17-10 at halftime.




Yeah, I don't get that, either. Fortunately it didn't cost them. Jackson throws a wobbler to Willie Snead for a first down. Interesting spot on this Crabtree catch. I'm slightly surprised the Chiefs didn't challenge. Ravens really working the running game right now.




Touchdown Maxx Williams? Yes. Tie game. Mahomes throws a dangerous sidearm pass across the field to Kelce, gets away with it, but then the Chiefs take the penalty the Ravens committed and get a first down anyway. How did they not score? Wild. 3rd and 24. COOL. Big sack by the Ravens to force a three-and-out. Ravens return the punt 55 yards! Touchdown! Ravens lead! Great touch on that pass by Jackson and John Brown had an easy play on it. Two minute warning and the Chiefs are still on their side of the field. Screen to Ware gets stuffed. 4th and 4 and the Ravens call time out. The Chiefs false start. Wow! Mahomes throws across his body again and finds Hill peeling back towards the ball for 48 yards! How did C.J. Mosely end up on Hill? That's a terrible mismatch. Now 4th and 3 from the 5. Mahomes finds Williams for the touchdown! Extra point is GOOD and we're tied with 53 seconds left. Strip sack! Chiefs ball! Did anyone block Justin Houston? Didn't look like it. Field goal is... wide right! Overtime!




Chiefs win the toss. Mahomes goes to Hill back-to-back. Hill out of bounds at the Ravens' 12. Mahomes just drops the ball, but Eric Fisher falls on it. Field goal is good. Jackson throws a deep ball that was closer to being intercepted than caught. RGIII in as a receiver? Jackson rolls right and runs for six yards. Three minutes left. Offensive holding negates a Jackson run. Ravens officially killing themselves with penalties. 4th and 22. Yeah. (Chiefs 27, Ravens 24, OT)

No Beckham for the Giants. Fox has exactly one good matchup today and it's Eagles-Cowboys. Two drops on this first drive (including one where Sanchez stood in the face of a blitz) ends Washington's first attempt. SANCHIZE GONNA SANCHIZE. Throws a pick-six from his own 4-yard line. What in God's name was he looking at? Yeah, the ball was tipped but there were three Giants closer to that pass than Michael Floyd was. Eli hits Corey Coleman deep. First and goal. Eli loses 15 yards on a sack. Washington only brought four. That's how bad the Giants' offensive line still is. Rosas has had a good season. 10-0 Giants. BARKLEY. 17-0 Giants. Ogletree has three interceptions in two weeks.




No one even bothered covering Sterling Shepard. Touchdown Giants. Barkley again, this time to the Washington 6. Touchdown Giants. Another drop by Crowder. Sanchez has been bad today but he's gotten zero help. Evan Engram's back, and he picks up 30 yards on a catch and run that gets the Giants inside the 5. Shepard plays good defense to prevent an interception. Field goal is good and it's 34-0 at halftime. My God. And the Giants get the ball to start the second half? I'm not doing this.





Seriously. Contract these clowns. (Giants 40, Redskins 16)




OH MY GOD. Why is Gronk even out there instead of, say, someone with pursuit speed? There's no way Tannehill was even attempting a Hail Mary on one leg. I'm not sure he could throw it that far with three legs. Seeing Bill Belichick fuck up that thoroughly, especially in a situation he never gets wrong, is amazing.




Tannehill couldn't throw that ball 75 yards if he had three legs, let alone one. Also, Brady's now 7-10 in his career in Miami. (Dolphins 34, Patriots 33)

Oh, that's a fumble. Pederson eventually throws the challenge flag. Call STANDS? No clear recovery? Grugier-Hill GAVE the officials the ball! There wasn't a Cowboys player within three yards of the ball after it came out. That's a joke. Dak hits Sidney Jones in the back. Tate throws a block that helps Adams turn a loss into a 24-yard run. Gregory sacks Wentz, forcing a punt. Eagles hurting themselves with penalties here. Oh, hey, Bennett was offsides. That hasn't happened in a while. Field goal is... good? Good. Wentz juggles the snap and is lucky to be able to hand off to Clement for a three-yard loss. Clement going into the locker room and that doesn't look great. Aikman points out how bad the Eagles' tackling was in their first meeting. Intercepted! GET DOWN, RASUL. OK, fine. Third down option to the short side of the field? That's a bad play call and received the failure it deserved. Punt hits the scoreboard. Wait. Punt HITS THE SCOREBOARD? You can't give Cooper that much room. Second offensive holding penalty of this series against the Cowboys. Douglas has been the Eagles' best player so far today, yes. Another good stop. Maher MISSES from 45, and that would have been a much shorter attempt before the two holding penalties. Refs stop the clock after Kelce takes a shot to the head. Ertz gets out of bounds at midfield. Wentz fumbles and the Cowboys recover. Then they almost give it right back. I'm not entirely sure why the Cowboys are passing on 2nd and 1 with a timeout left. Holding on Tyron Smith takes them out of field goal range. This game has been terrible. Maher from 62. GOOD. 6-0 Cowboys at halftime. Kelce's back but Clement won't be. The Eagles should probably take a shot deep at some point. But it'll have to wait to the next drive. Jarwin makes a catch and gets inside the 5. Eagles... hold? Field goal is good. A touchdown probably would have ended it, but whatever.




Montage of Jeffery not being open at all today, then Wentz hits him for 10 and a first down. He then drops a third-down throw. Eagles punt on 4th and 3 and this team has no mojo. Interception! Dak overthrows Gallup badly and Corey Graham returns it to the 2. Touchdown Jeffery on a quick slant. Extra point is... missed? Yeesh. Looks like Elliott kicked it off the side of his foot? I dunno. Anyway, it's 9-6. Cowboys on the move with Elliott. Dak is sacked. Fumble! Eagles ball! Are we SURE? Yes! Hey, Brandon Graham actually did something. Sproles gets 24 on 4th and 3. Field goal is good. I'm gonna say this and it won't be popular, but that's a bad call on Elliott for leading with his helmet. He was being pushed down the entire time. Cooper beats Jones for a touchdown. Eagles go three-and-out and that's probably it. Bennett wrecks Elliott and the Cowboys get flagged for an illegal shift. Wentz to Jeffery, then to Goedert. Touchdown Goedert! Extra point is good and we're tied.




For one damn play until Cooper turns poor De'Andre Bausby to ash. Goedert? Touchdown gets called back for OPI, and nobody in the booth likes the call. Oh my GOD, that's atrocious. There are four people in this stadium having a good game.





Wentz then gets sacked, but he gets a roughing call. Wentz gets sacked AGAIN, but the Cowboys get called for illegal contact. AGHOLOR! Down to the 2! That's his first catch today, I think. Wentz loses two yards on a keeper. Wentz flips to Sproles, who spins away and scores! Should've happened a minute ago. Eagles move to kick the extra point, surprising both Buck and Aikman. It's good and we're tied. I maintain that no one may actually deserve to win this game. Holding on Corey Graham gives the Cowboys a first down. Refs out here just throwing flags at random now.




Bad snap costs the Cowboys five yards. 3rd and 12 now, and the Cowboys are out of time outs. Cox with a sack and we're going to overtime. Cowboys win the toss. Who are these randoms the Cowboys have at tight end? Another sack by Cox, and the Cowboys were holding. Don't you have to stay with Cooper no matter what? Elliott gets stopped on 3rd and 1 at the Eagles' 19. Cowboys going for it for some stupid reason. 4:01 left, incidentally. Second effort by Elliott... gets it. Why aren't the Eagles calling time out? Touchdown Cooper. Off a DEFLECTION.



You know how I'm always going on about how unfair it is that the Patriots always get every break on top of being better than everyone else and having no problem taking advantage of the rules to the point of breaking them? This game, for the Eagles, was the exact opposite of all of that. crosses off Eagles (Cowboys 29, Eagles 23, OT)



No we are not. Seriously. The Eagles and Steelers are now in the exact same situation: facing must-win games they will both 100 percent lose. (Raiders 24, Steelers 21)

Bears start with the ball. Trubisky overthrows Miller and Marcus Peters, who's had a rough year himself, picks it off. Legatron hits it and the Rams take an early lead. You almost can't tell what's going on with Jordan Howard anymore. Some weeks he's just not in the game plan. This doesn't look like one of them; I'm just saying. Parkey ties it at 3. That's... not a great punt. Roquan Smith with the pick. Surprising defensive struggle breaking out here. Bad throw by Goff. Sanchez-esque, even. Meanwhile, the Rams' DBs are flying around breaking up passes. Field goal is good. Goff's having a rough night — that one was almost picked, too. Fake punt pass works! Or does it? The refs say Everett was short. Rams challenge. This is close. Call reversed; first down Rams. That's the 21st fake punt Hekker's run. Drive stalls and maybe defense isn't dead. 52-yarder is good. Eagles-Rams next week is sponsored by the equally monumental disappointment that is the Venom movie. (Any attempt at a Venom movie without Spider-Man's involvement is, quite simply, fraudulent at its core.) Bears line up to go for it on 4th and 1 from their 46. BOTH teams then run 22 NEW PLAYERS back onto the field. The play clock stops and the Rams pull their players off and put their defense back in. Then the refs say the official on the near side was knocked down by the phalanx of players. Christ. What a disaster. Not one bit of that made logical sense. The Bears eventually punt. Matt Nagy is livid. Rams get two straight completions. They still end up punting. That Robey-Coleman interception was the end result of a series of bad decisions. Then a Goff Hail Mary is intercepted. Halftime. Safety! Eddie Goldman gets Goff in the end zone. 8-6 now. Collinsworth wondering why the Bears haven't attacked a recently-returned Aqib Talib. Robinson fights through a Talib attempted tackle for what is ruled a touchdown. I thought he was down, myself. He was out of bounds, actually. Bears bring Akeim Hicks in... but they fake it to him and throw it to offensive lineman Bradley Sowell for the touchdown! Did these teams switch playbooks?





Rams nearly fumble it away but recover after a few bounces. Replay of the touchdown. Cris: "If you have (Eddie Goldman and Bradley Sowell) on your fantasy team, you're a real bad fantasy player." Trubisky gets picked and this is a good return by Johnson. And Goff gives it back on the NEXT PLAY.



Bears-Rams highlights from 60 years, 37 days ago. Al was there — in his bassinet. Hey, a Todd Gurley sighting. He gets one yard for a first down. Rams starting to cook as Everett gets another first. Woods gets 22 on a crossing route. Rams have used two time outs in less than a minute. Collinsworth thinks they may have been up to some shenanigans but the play blew up. Legatron MISSES off the upright! Rams take over after the Bears fail to capitalize. Goff rolls out and takes it himself on third and short. Rams go on 4th and 4 with 4:34 left. SACK. That's it, man. (Bears 15, Rams 6)

Why, Seahawks? Why? No Doug Baldwin, who's out with a hip injury. That was... odd, Kirk. Wilson with a key third down scramble. Lockett! Field goal is good. Rashad Penny picks up 17 yards. Wilson overthrows Lockett, missing a touchdown. Now we got a donnybrook for no apparent reason. Now the Seahawks have to punt. The Vikings' offensive line is getting beaten up as badly as the Rams' was last night. This pass to Moore is... not a touchdown. Left foot wasn't down.



Wilson almost slips, runs around some more, and then throws an interception to Eric Kendricks to end the half. Once he slips, there's nothing he can do. He's gotta eat the sack. Witten was right about how it would have been much worse if Kendricks hadn't fallen down. (What's with the turf up there?) 3-0 Seahawks at halftime, and yet it should be so many other things.



I don't get that pass to the right tackle, either. Cousins is absolutely stinking up the joint. That's Thielen's first catch with 6:05 left in the third quarter. Cousins throws it short for Diggs, and Shaquil Griffin knocks Diggs even further back. 4th and 1 from the Seahawks 41. NOPE. Flag is against the Vikings. Nothing has gone right for them tonight. Turnover on downs.



Third quarter's over. Still 3-0. That pass interference penalty on Rhodes is the second-longest play of the night. Third down pass into the end zone is way too high. Field goal is good and that's a moral victory for the Vikings. DIGGS! That was 48 yards on a mismatch. Thielen stumbles through some bad tackles (Mychal Kendricks missing an easy tackle? Color me shocked.) and spins to the Seahawks' 5. Murray gets one yard, then Cousins throws it too far over the far corner, then Cook gets stonewalled. Witten and Booger disagree on what to do here (Witten says go for it, as the Vikings do, while Booger says kick it.) Pass is knocked away. Wow. This DOES back the Seahawks up at their own 2, and they fail to get out. Jet sweep to Thielen gets nine. Too bad Diggs held. Shaquill Griffin made two big plays on that drive to force incompletions. Bailey from 47. Partially blocked! Looks like Wagner got it. Jesus CHRIST, Vikings. WILSON! He even accelerated. That's 40 yards and this game may have just ended. Ciara celebrating in the box. Then it was all Chris Carson after that, ending with a touchdown. Seahawks going for two and Booger reads my mind: "I don't think there's any danger of Kirk Cousins scoring 14 tonight, guys." Sweep to Lockett gets it. About four game-time minutes after the fact, Triplette weighs in that Wagner should have been called for leverage on the blocked field goal, and the Vikings should have gotten a first down. Fumble! Touchdown Seahawks! This is officially a disaster. Hey, when's the last time three of the NFL's final four missed the playoffs the following year? Thielen with the big play they could have used two hours ago. Cook gets 17 yards on a screen and it's first and goal. That won't count. Cousins was over the line. Wait, what? That should not have counted. Oh, whatever. (Seahawks 21, Vikings 7)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. New Orleans (11-2) — That's more like it
2. L.A. Rams (11-2) — Got beat up in Chicago street fight
3. Kansas City (11-2) — Thrill a minute
4. Chicago (9-4) — Announcing their presence with authority

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-10) — Still so much to do
30. Jacksonville (4-9) — So much for the Cody Kessler era
31. San Francisco (3-10) — You're supposed to LOSE this game
32. Oakland (3-10) — You too


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