Wednesday, January 31, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Hands Off The Wheel

Good job, Crowder. That would have been a touchdown if you'd, like, seen it. Is this an Alfred Morris revenge game? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Washington isn't stopping any Cowboy who can run the ball right now. And of course, the Cowboys score on a pass. Cousins fumbles on a sack. Turns out Ryan Switzer is no relation to Barry but that doesn't make that not a touchdown. That's some serious speed. It's already 17-0? Crowder trying to redeem himself. Touchdown Ryan Grant. This is an Alfred Morris revenge game, which I certainly didn't see coming. (Cowboys 38, Redskins 17)

Signal Finder: NE @ BUF, MIN @ ATL, TB @ GB (end), KC @ NYJ (end), CAR @ NO

My onscreen TV guide billed this as "a battle atop the AFC East." The Patriots lead the Bills by three games. Bills get the ball first and are DRIVING. The Enigmatic Charles Clay should be his legal name. And Taylor throws a horrible interception to end it. No idea what he saw there. Romo can't believe it, which is hilarious. The  pocket fell into him. Gronk with a killer block there. That's always been an underrated part of his game. Brady with tons of time here but no open receivers and he dumps it. Field goal in the wind is good. Taylor with a big run to end the quarter, skirting the sideline but not for as long as he thought.Brady falls down and throws the ball away. Bills challenge and lose, and McDermott is now saying he wanted an intentional grounding call (which I'm pretty sure isn't actually reviewable). Lewis runs through a massive hole and somehow doesn't score. Brady then decides to throw it to an utterly covered Burkhead. Pocket falls apart and Brady gets sacked, forcing a field goal attempt. Good. WR pass? JUST missed Cadet. Oh, that was Joe Webb.


Hauschka barely good from 49. Patriots, facing 3rd and 18, concede and kick another field goal. 9-3 at halftime. Another big run by Lewis sets up a Burkhead touchdown. There's ANOTHER touchdown by Burkhead. Taylor was just carted off. I'm... I'm not sure Sean McDermott knows what he's doing.


Brady throws a pick and all hell breaks loose. Gronk jumps on the dude after the play's over, then he gets shoved. Then everyone starts milling about. And apparently Jerry Hughes said something to or bumped an official, so the Bills will still lose 15 yards. Not that it matters because this game's been over for about 45 minutes. (Patriots 23, Bills 3)

The Chiefs' offense is BACK! Well, except for Kareem Hunt. How the hell is this game 31-30? Twelve years? Derrick Johnson's been around that long? Jets kick a field goal to take the lead. But a personal foul on the Chiefs will give the Jets a first down. They called that a hold on Nelson? Really? That gives the Jets another set of downs. Just run the ball, guys. Or not. McCown sneaks it and gets the touchdown! This two-point conversion is a damn mess. There was a hold in the end zone after McCown got forced 20 yards backwards and had to throw it away. THEN Marcus Peters threw the flag into the stands. Did he get tossed for throwing that flag or did the Chiefs just pull him? After all that, the Jets try for two again and get it. Apparently Peters left of his own accord, and the Chiefs just sent somebody into the locker room to get him. And Smith throws to no one on fourth down. My God. (Jets 38, Chiefs 31)

Freeman run gets wiped out by a holding call on center Alex Mack. Fourth and 2 from the Vikings' 39 and the Falcons are going for it. Swing pass to Coleman gets 15! Field goal is good. OK, I'm going to need to see this Diggs catch. He's out of bounds. Burkhardt describes the roof of Not The Home Depot Center as a "giant pizza", which is not how I've seen it described in other places. C.J. going Ham? I apologize. This last month or so Latavius Murray's looked like he did his rookie year again. Touchdown McKinnon. 7-3 Vikings. Did my man just do the Dirty Bird IN ATLANTA? Did Ryan cross the line of scrimmage on that throw? Bryant hooks a field goal in. Takk McKinney just blew up the Vikings' line for a sack. Falcons are building a defense. They'll need that front today with no Desmond Trufant. This Freeman run will stand after holding on the Vikings. Insult to injury for Mack there — he got held, and then the flag hit him in the head. Sanu elevates to catch that. This one on the turf may get overturned, however. It does and the Falcons kick a field goal to go ahead. Fran Tarkenton visited the Vikings before they left, Burkhardt says. Keenum scrambles and finds Diggs. Murray converts 3rd and 1. Touchdown Kyle Rudolph in the back of the end zone. Freeman back. And again. Bryant... MISSES. That was kind of a loud cheer for a Falcons home game. Thielen with a big catch and that'll do it, as the Falcons are somehow out of time outs. Is Mike Smith still coaching? (Vikings 14, Falcons 9)



(49ers 15, Bears 14)

Fans at Lambeau booing as the Packers kneel to go into overtime. Packers win the toss. Hundley scrambles. Another designed Hundley run. This is odd. Touchdown Aaron Jones! (Packers 26, Buccaneers 20, OT)



FYI, Kate and Rooney are nieces of John Mara, one of the Giants' co-owners. Also, Rooney is actually Patricia (Rooney is both ladies' middle name). Davis Webb isn't even ACTIVE? What the blue fuck, Giants. This proves they were lying about the whole thing. Who made this decision? (Raiders 24, Giants 17)


Saints featuring Kamara big time on this first drive. Michael Thomas converts a third down. Kamara again. Panthers: "Nah, son." Kamara: "How about now?" He takes a hit and still scores. Touchdown Saints.


Cam mayyyy have done some acting on that one. Stewart bulls his way into the end zone. Is it this matchup where the road team always wins or is it Falcons-Saints? Brees gets flagged for intentional grounding. Ingram breaks off a 72-yard run. The Saints didn't run the ball like this when they were contending for Super Bowls. Touchdown Ingram. Punter drops the snap and tries to throw it, because why not. Why is the Saints guy running it back? That was a pass that hit the turf. Wait. Taysom Hill, the former BYU quarterback for four of the last seven years? That's a bad penalty by Peppers. Touchdown Michael Thomas. McCaffrey answers back. 21-14 Saints at halftime. A.J. Klein was left unaccounted for. No way this punt return is counting. Rivera's mad that the Saints got away with a neutral zone infraction on the sack.


Kamara breaking tackles. Touchdown Saints. Things not going great for the Panthers. Ginn victimizing his old team. Daryl Worley drops a sure interception, then Lutz misses the field goal. That could spin things. I have to say, I'm not in love with the Panthers' receivers post-Kelvin Benjamin, even if I thought he was a little overrated. Two poor holds by Matt Kalil can't save Cam from a Cameron Jordan sack. Funchess gets 20 on 1st and 25. That's a lucky pass interference penalty the Panthers drew. Going for it on 4th and 6 from the 12 because they need two touchdowns. You have to throw that into the end zone, right? (Saints 31, Panthers 21)


I hate this Eagles -6 line. This'll be a test. Chris Pratt (?) raising the 12 flag. Oh, didn't know he was from Seattle. Someone named Mike Davis announced as the starting running back for the Seahawks. Lot of quick passes by the Seahawks so far. Walsh made the kick? I'm shocked. Terrible penalty on Najee Goode. Wentz drops the snap, then runs for a first down anyway. I am also surprised they're punting here. Might want to consider shorter dropbacks, Eagles. Pass interference on Darby puts the ball at around the 20. Then they get Bradham for holding.


Touchdown Graham, who's been doing that a lot lately. Eagles go back to the run game. Ajayi and Clement with solid gains. Oh, usually it's Bennett who's offsides. Holding on Big V costs the Eagles first and goal. Oh, that was on Jeffery. My mistake. Wait, Byron Maxwell's back in Seattle? Elliott puts the Eagles on the board. For some reason Wilson tried a pump fake seven yards past the line of scrimmage. The Eagles are running the ball well tonight but Wentz isn't having a good passing game so far. Sneak works because it always does. Third down sweep doesn't work, and now nobody seems to know what to do.


The Eagles eventually punt. 10-3 Seahawks at the half. Eagles get the second half kickoff and immediately come out more aggressive than the entire first half. Carroll grabs an official even though it's Pederson who has to decide whether or not to challenge this spot on the Smith catch. (Don't challenge spots. But I actually think this is a first down.) Call stands but I disagree with it. Oh well. Sneak works because yeah. Wentz keeps it and FUMBLES out of the end zone. Touchback and that'll stand — he wasn't even close to the goal line. So many penalties. Darby probably got away with a face mask. Seahawks call time out for no apparent reason. Wilson hits Baldwin down the sideline for a touchdown. Or an apparent touchdown, at least. Out of bounds at the 1. Grugier-Hill on defense? Davis goes high and gets stuffed. Lockett gets free and catches a touchdown. Eagles go for it on 4th and 3 and K.J. Wright detonates the entire thing. This game feels over. Wilson gets crushed and flagged for intentional grounding, forcing 4th down and pushing them out of field goal range. Wentz threw that while stumbling. Agholor's been pretty good. Then Wentz throws across his body to Agholor, who beats Maxwell for a touchdown. Wilson takes off, then flips to Davis for a first down. I thought that was a lateral anyway. The Eagles don't get the challenge flag out in time.


They read the flea flicker and cover it well on the back end. Next play, Wilson scrambles and Varrett is left all alone. Then McKissock beats Kendricks(?) for a touchdown. Someone tell Al and Cris the Eagles wouldn't have won that challenge. I mean, you still do it, but you're not winning it. Neither offensive line has been great tonight. That was pass interference too but whatever at this point. Interception Maxwell in the end zone. This was inevitable, I suppose. (Seahawks 24, Eagles 10)

Wait. The Bengals blew a 14-point halftime lead to the Steelers? Color me shocked. (Steelers 23, Bengals 20)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (10-2) — Can't win 'em all, I suppose
2. New England (10-2) — Yawn
3. Pittsburgh (10-2) — This last-second victory thing is becoming a habit
4. Minnesota (9-3) — Would have liked more than 14 points, though

BOTTOM 4:
29. Denver (3-9) — Jay Cutler would be their best quarterback right now
30. Chicago (3-9) — Serves 'em right
31. N.Y. Giants (2-10) — Just a bad decision all the way around
32. Cleveland (0-12) — The Chargers wanted revenge, and they got it


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Friday, January 19, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Understuffed

Practically a cold open as we go to Erin almost immediately. Again, how do you line up offside on a KICKOFF? Lions try to draw the Vikings offside on 4th and 1 from their 49 instead of just going for it. It does not work.


Vikings driving as the announcers recount the rise of Adam Thielen from undrafted local kid to their second-best player over the last month. Nice run by Latavius Murray, who looks like his Raiders self again after Dalvin Cook's injury. Kyle Rudolph will never catch an easier touchdown pass. Extra point is BLOCKED. Pereira wondering why the Lions didn't pick up the ball afterwards. Fumbled handoff gives the Vikings the ball back. Ball pops out of McKinnon's hands and Thielen catches it for what might be a touchdown? No, his knee's pretty clearly down. They call it a touchdown for the sole purpose of reviewing it, and they overturn it. Keenum scores on a keeper. Oh, it's Thanksgiving dinner. OK.
Theo Riddick may be the best running back for this offense but he doesn't play enough, and Amir Abdullah has been disappointing. They haven't had a 100-yard rusher in 62 games? Stafford tries an off-hand flick that falls incomplete.
This Thielen catch will be short. Vikings go for it and I'm not sure why, to be honest. False start. This time they punt. First down Lions! Marvin Jones Jr. doing work on this drive. Lions beat the blitz with a screen that would have been a touchdown if Riddick had caught it. Field goal is good. Defensive holding bails out the Vikings. Kai Forbath... not having the best day. Rudolph makes a move as the Lions defender misses the ball and he streaks downfield. Touchdown Rudolph on a great throw by Keenum. Not sure how this Golladay dude stayed inbounds. DPI put the ball at the Vikings' 12. As Buck just said, with 19 seconds, they can do whatever they want. Then the Vikings commit a face mask. Touchdown Lions. Call stands after review. Jason DeRulo at halftime. 20-10 Vikings. This isn't bad for what it is. Vikings wasting NO time. McKinnon with a big run and Murray finishes it off.
That's a good catch by Jones to convert 3rd and 10. You can really hear Stafford's audibles. Buck: "Can't wait to see what 'Travolta' gives us." How about a touchdown? Now they're reviewing it. This might get overturned. It was overturned and the Lions are stuck kicking a field goal. Stafford out here throwing blocks but it's all for naught as Trae Waynes pins Riddick. Did he block Harrison Smith? That was unintentional. That Lions running game thing? Now we learn that the Lions have only had NINE 100-yard rushing games in Stafford's starts. Fumble? Not a fumble. Vikings challenge for some reason. Still not a fumble. Stafford gets sacked. Field goal is good. Taunting on Keenum? Who just got sacked? The hell? You're right, Joe; I don't believe that happened. WOW. Crazy sequence: Jones with a great catch for a touchdown! Stafford down and grabbing his knee. The Vikings had 12 men on the field (including two on Jones) and couldn't stop that. Stafford got rolled up. Lions don't go for two and it's 27-23. Who's the Lions' backup? I don't even know. Michael Floyd's on the Vikings? That's a key stop by the Lions, forcing the Vikings to choose between a 55-yard field goal by a guy who's had two kicks blocked today and a punt. They punt. Diggs! Though I'm not sure why he went out of bounds when he could have scored and ended the game right there. The Gobbler's gone? Joe can barely hide his glee. Lions forced to go for it. Interception by Rhodes. Vikings just killing time now.
Rub-it-in field goal coming. Blocked but this will come back because dude was extremely offsides. That'll be that. (Vikings 30, Lions 23)

This is the Chargers' first Thanksgiving game since 1969. Let's carve up this leg of lamb and get at it. Tyron Smith back, so at least Dak may stay upright. Chargers threaten to strike first with that bomb to Benjamin. Field goal is no good and the Chargers have had problems with kickers all year. Get the ball! They lost 11 yards on that fumble (but at least they still have the ball.) Now it's 4th and 13 from the Cowboys' 16 and they're... going for it? Did they get this? NOPE. Chargers not showing a lot of confidence in their kicking game.


Meanwhile, the Cowboys can't sustain anything. Bolts ball again. Are they gonna kick it this time? They're at the 4. Here comes Novak. Kick is good. 3-0. 
Halftime. This being Dallas, we get one of these numerous country bros. Who is this? Seriously, aside from genre and the Cowboys cheerleaders, this is practically indistinguishable from the DeRulo performance in Detroit. I am told this is Thomas Rhett, and I suppose I'll have to accept it. I can't tell 90 percent of these dudes apart anyway. Lot of Melvin Gordon on this drive. Not that that's a bad thing. Touchdown Hunter Henry, who I believe is also a country musician. Extra point is NO GOOD. What is going on? Wait, Novak's hurt? Then why were they.... never mind. Dak in the shotgun. TACKLE HIM. Dak scores but it may come back. Yep, holding on Tyron Smith. This drive is now dead.


Holy hell that catch. 
This the punter kicking the PAT? Who is this Rod Smith and where did he come from? Does Alfred Morris not play anymore? Touchdown Cowboys. They go for two and fail. Meanwhile, the Chargers suddenly can't be stopped, but what else is new for the Cowboys defense. Keenan Allen just lit them up. No reason not to go for two after that.
Dak hits Williams deep. Bad snap but Dak recovers and manages to find Dez. INTERCEPTION! TOUCHDOWN. That's a 13-point swing and that's game. (Chargers 28, Cowboys 6)

Not much going on here, either. Oh, Zach Brown got a knee to the head or something. Not sure what that was. Darkwa coverts 4th and 1. Did the Giants lose their kicker, too? Oh, there he is. Jenkins got away with pass interference on that breakup in the end zone. These bootleg Giants receivers aren't fast or good, really. Collinsworth doesn't think JPP is "quite right". It's because he's washed, Cris. just drew a solid pass interference call. Cousins misses a receiver. Field goal is good. 3-3 at halftime. That's a SACK. 2nd and 27? Sweet. Crowder! Cousins rolls out, Crowder escapes, and hauls in a touchdown. Pick-six by Janoris Jenkins! It deflected off Byron Marshall's hands. Why is Eli making the Manning Face in the background?


Looks like Cousins got a foot caught in the bad FedEX Field turf. Morgan Moses is down for the R's. Jenkins is STILL down. TD stands.


Bad sack for the R's, as it knocks them out of potential field goal range. Was that JPP? Who mocked up that version of "O.P.P"? Eli with a bad low throw on what should have been a big play and now the Giants have to punt. Now the R's have a decision to make after being stopped. The punt team is out? Gruden pulls them back and brings the offense back out. Al theorizes that maybe they had a fake punt dialed up but didn't like the look. The play clock is running! It's at 4 and they're still in the huddle! Jesus Christ.
Doug Pederson might be the best coach in this division. Cris is upset that Fox got rid of the Gobbler. "It was modeled after me!" Crowder with a catch over the middle on third down. Cousins finds Doctson in the corner for the touchdown. Giants will go for it on 4th and 3 from their own 32 because they're 2-8. It ends in a sack and fumble. Washington kicks a field goal because they can.
(Redskins 20, Giants 10)

Signal Finder: CHI @ PHI, MIA @ NE (end), CAR @ NYJ (end), NO @ LAR, JAX @ ARZ (end)

Bears doing Bears things, which in this case means "committing special teams penalties that bury you at your own 5." That's not a good punt.
Ertz stopped short on 3rd and 10 and the Eagles may go for this. They do and Ajayi picks it up. Jeffery makes a sideline catch for another first down and he's mad because if he'd stayed inbounds, he scores.


Ertz cashes in immediately. That's a great route. Jake Elliott's healthy and adds the extra point. Burkhardt's a big fan of the Eagles' celebrations. Kickoff out of bounds? Interception by Jenkins, then he fumbles it and the Bears get it back. Jordan Howard gets stuffed on 3rd down. Blount with a big run but then HE fumbles and the Bears recover.


Refs pick up this illegal block in the back flag, and they probably should have. New Bears kicker Cairo Santos from 54. Not even close. That was worse than the one that they missed against the Lions last week that got Santos this job in the first place. Jeffery already with four catches against his old squad. Spin move by Wentz and he runs for a first down on 3rd and 9. Wentz overthrows Hollins but he was held. Touchdown Agholor on a screen. The Bears aren't good — Trubisky made a bad handoff in to the end zone and Howard just barely got out of there with it. Eagles got a piece of that punt. Damn that kick was high. Elliott field goal is good. 17-0. Blount jumping over people and dragging piles on the same run. Agholor comes up short on third down, and the Eagles may go for this again. Don't challenge spots, Doug. Call confirmed. Fourth down. Wentz appears to change the play ("Kill! Kill!"), sneaks it, and gets it.
I'm still kind of surprised Clement was undrafted. Figured he'd be a fifth or sixth-rounder, even with his injury troubles. They get Amukamura for another penalty. Touchdown Jeffery! BOWLING. 24-0 at halftime. The Bears have no first downs. NONE.
First down Bears! And Trubisky is subsequently sacked. Another first down! Curry just blew up some double-reverse foolishness. I did not know he wore No. 75 for the Marshall plane crash victims. Bears get a field goal. Eagles kind of sloppy this quarter. Torrey Smith takes a hard hit. Wentz audibles to a sneak again on 4th and 1 and gets it again. That's their third fourth-down conversion today. But this won't be a fourth.
That was almost picked off. Ryan Howard in the house. Ertz somehow left uncovered. The Wentz as Buddy Christ sign is a winner. Ajayi breaks ANOTHER big run, but fumbles... but Agholor recovers in the end zone for a touchdown! This is nuts. There are 12 minutes left. Now 10 after the Bears fail on fourth down. Foles in. And Ertz goes over 100 yards receiving, the first Eagle to do so this year. The other teams without one are the Browns and 49ers, so. Blount fumbles again. Is this a pick by Douglas? Does it matter to anyone but him? Call overturned.
Corey Graham (?) gets an interception off a tip. That should do it.
Now they're filming "A Chorus Line", apparently. Oh, it's the Electric Slide. I haven't seen that in years. (Eagles 31, Bears 3)

The Chiefs can't run the ball any more. Are both L.A. teams going to make the playoffs? The Chargers are one game back. (Bills 16, Chiefs 10)

Kuechly with the scoop and score! Panthers lead! Funchess tries to one-hand it and can't. Late flag? Roughing the passer. First down Panthers. "Lazaretto"? Nice, FOX DJ. (Panthers 35, Jets 27)

CBS started coverage at 4 here and is showing the end of Dolphins-Patriots for absolutely no good reason. (Patriots 35, Dolphins 17)

CROSSFLEX. Rams need more gold and less white in their uniforms. Just as important, if not more so, than Goff's improvement is Todd Gurley's resurrection. Touchdown Sammy Watkins! Michael Thomas tripped over nothing. Zuerlein's a beast. I questioned the hell out of the Saints drafting a running back but Alvin Kamara's really good. 74 yards! Gurley has moves. The Rams are making the Saints' defense look like it used to look. Kenny Vaccaro just stopped running. STOPPED. Touchdown Rams. Kamara broke about four or five tackles on that run. Watkins juggles it but brings it in for a big gain that gets the Rams into field goal range. That Cameron Jordan sack may have just taken them out. That guy's been killing it. The Saints took a time out here and I'm not quite sure why, especially when the Rams only had one left. Personnel, maybe? Zuerlein to try from 63. It's short. Ginn tries to return it but there's not enough room. 17-10 Rams at the half. Pink's! It'll be nice to have L.A. B-roll back. That's a long way to go for three points when you needed seven, Saints. Rams are making a statement here. Touchdown Kamara and that was entirely too easy. Onside kick alert. Aaaand no. (Rams 26, Saints 20)



This may be the pettiest beef in sports. (Raiders 21, Broncos 14)

Grey Cup! There's a damn blizzard in Ottawa. Isn't Ricky Ray like 44 years old? He just threw a 100-yard touchdown pass!


We just had a 109-yard fumble return for a touchdown. It's tied! High snap on this Toronto field goal attempt. GOOD. The Argonauts' kicker wears No. 70 and is named Hajrullahu. Calgary is driving. CALGARY IS DRIVING. INTERCEPTION IN THE END ZONE. I'm not sure I would have done that. Toronto wins! (Argonauts 27, Stampeders 24)

No Clay tonight, apparently. And Martavis Bryant is starting? Brown in right away. Steelers really milking the clock on these plays for some reason. Kevin King just saved a touchdown — it looked like Bryant tripped at first. Who is Xavier Grimble and why is he scoring touchdowns? Extra point is shanked. Packers offensive line looks different again. That's a bad penalty. Somehow Cobb was left alone and he scores. This extra point is good. Interception! TOUCHDOWN. Or not, as it looks like Randall was touched down. Hundley finds Jamal Williams on a screen, he gets a block, and runs untouched for a touchdown. This is how the Packers have to do this: turnovers and big plays.
Touchdown Bryant! Didn't think I'd ever say that again a month ago. Packers try an inside shovel to Cobb on 3rd and 2 that goes nowhere. They'll go into the locker room tied. TOUCHDOWN. PACKERS. I don't understand what's happening.


Another interception! This is how it happens. T.J. Watt, a linebacker, with a solid tackle on Nelson. Clutch sack forces a 57-yard field goal attempt which isn't even close. Crazy leaping catch by Brown. Pass interference? Ben drops one in to Brown's basket and we're tied. Bell fumbles and the Packers recover! This is nuts. Touchdown Steelers! House got caught up in Brown's route and Brown blew by him, and the safety help didn't come in time. Nelson stretches for a very important third-down conversion. Now it's fourth and 6 from the Steelers' 12 with just over three minutes left. Packers are going for it, as they should. Collinsworth predicts a blitz and he's right, and the Packers have to call time because there's no way that would have worked. Adams for the first down! Touchdown Williams!


Extra point ties it as Collinsworth wonders if McCarthy had considered going for two here. You've come to expect Brown to haul that one in, or one like it. Packers need this stop and they get it. Brown... catches this? Did he get both feet in? Yeah, he's kicking up dirt. Does he keep control? That's not overturnable, I think. I might have gone further down the field here (especially with two time outs), because now Boswell's left with a 53-yarder, which isn't a guarantee. IT'S GOOD! crosses off Packers (Steelers 31, Packers 28)



Yeah, that just feels like broadcast malpractice. (Ravens 23, Texans 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (10-1) — Now things get difficult
2. New England (9-2) — Cranking it up
3. Pittsburgh (9-2) — An exercise in self-reliance
4. Minnesota (9-3) — An oddly complete package

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-8) — Yes, it's as bad as it seems
30. San Francisco (1-10) — Well, that didn't last
31. N.Y. Giants (2-9) — This victory was a tactical error
32. Cleveland (0-11) — Why are we still doing this?

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Thursday, January 11, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Requiem For a Panther

A quasi-national prime-time audience against a team with a massive fan base — a lot of eyes are going to be on the Titans tonight for the first time in a long time. This is their chance to make a statement — and they are not making it. Oh. Ohhhh. Oh dear. (Steelers 40, Titans 17)

Signal Finder: WAS @ NO, KC @ NYG, NE vs OAK (@ MEX)

The pen is back out for the R's. Good play on the interception by Swearinger. Rose cashes in the turnover with a field goal. Reverse to Ginn gets absolutely blown up. Willie Snead's a IV. Hmm.
Perine with a big run off of a free play. Touchdown Thompson and Washington breaks the 3-3 tie. Look at SPEED 2 making a catch in traffic. Touchdown Ingram. I don't remember the Saints running the ball this well when they were Super Bowl contenders. Fourth and 6 from the Saints' 39 and Cousins hits Vernon Davis to get into the red zone. That was a really good throw. Touchdown! Cousins slides and gets absolutely creamed, drawing appropriate flags. That's a bad interception by Cousins, as Crowder wasn't open. He may have dropped it, but that's a bad throw regardless. Then a false start penalty on the field goal attempt makes it a 57-yard attempt instead of 52. Gruden is PISSED. Now they're punting. And then this dude stands on the end line to cover the punt, resulting in a touchback. Back-to-back big plays to Ginn and Michael Thomas, with a great block by Alvin Kamara on the first one. Ginn is tackled short of the first down and the Saints have to spike the ball. Field goal is good and it's 17-13 Redskins. This is an ugly collision. The cart's out for Chris Thompson, and that might be it for the Redskins' season even if they hang on today. HOLY HELL. Cousins got sandwiched and still fired off a touchdown pass to a completely open Ryan Grant, who literally walked into the end zone. Saints pass up a 4th and 3 from their own 35 down 11.
Touchdown Jeremy Sprinkle and that feels like it's it. Not sure I get the Saints running here, either, especially with so little time left. Touchdown Hill. Extra point MISSED. Perine's been good today. But not there. STUFFED. Saints will get the ball back. Interception! But that was a face mask right before it, so it won't count. Thomas and Ginn both wide open and both make big catches. Kamara! Juggles it and hauls it in for a touchdown! Saints going for two. Kamara again! We're tied! Now the R's are driving. Soft coverage leaves Crowder wide open and he works his way into field goal range. What the actual fuck, Cousins? Not the best time for intentional grounding. Then cousins gets creamed and we're going to overtime. Saints are suddenly teeing off on Cousins. Ingram running wild. Saints decide against it and bring out the field goal unit. It's GOOD! crosses off Redskins (Saints 34, Redskins 31, OT)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: No Eli Apple today for the Giants, so they're out of cornerbacks as well as wide receivers. The Giants shouldn't punt for the rest of the year. FAKE!!! FIRST DOWN.
Oh, Giants. Some things never change.


Run, Eli. RUN. He gets the spot on that slide. Did he catch that? No, but that's pass interference. Touchdown Darkwa. And OF COURSE they miss the extra point, because they're the 2017 Giants. East Rutherford wind update, courtesy of Evan Washburn. Travis Kelce bails the Chiefs out of a bad Eric Fisher holding call. Field goal is good but that could have been a touchdown. Lincoln Tunnel B-roll? That's new. The Giants got the ball back inside of two minutes and punted less than a minute later. The Chiefs can't do anything with it, and it's 6-3 Giants at the half. Chiefs keep blowing chances. Field goal is good and it's 6-6, but this is not an "Andy Reid after a bye" team. That's a catch. Wayne Gallman getting lots of run in this game. A penalty puts the Giants in 3rd and 33, and the Giants aren't as successful when they have to convert it. Travis Kelce throwing a deep pass? Andy's getting desperate. Interception, and how is that unnecessary roughness?


Now Alex Smith throws an interception on a ball that ended up in no man's land. The Giants are in field goal range. Eli somehow didn't get sacked. Field goal is good. Bad spot by the refs? They can't count? Kelce! Then the refs pick up an OPI flag. Smith scrambles and then goes airborne (!) to get six yards on 3rd and 5. Bad decision by Smith to run on second down — now they have to kick. It's good and this farce will continue. Smith out here throwing check downs to backup running backs on 3rd and 10. This game's gonna end in a tie, isn't it? Giants get the ball back and are taking their time. Then Engram drops a third-down pass. They go for it on 4th and 6. Did he even catch that? WOW HE CAUGHT IT. Eli takes a knee and they send the kicker out. It's GOOD. Giants win a game they really couldn't afford to. (Giants 12, Chiefs 9, OT)

Nathan Peterman: A Life In Eight Tweets:





















By the way, Bills: Week 11 really isn't the time to decide you're gonna tank. (Chargers 54, Bills 24)

MEXICO CITYYYYY! The Patriots really do run a 4-2-5. Nantz and Romo reminding us that we are at altitude. Patriots recover their own fumble. Dion Lewis put a MOVE on some poor Raider and scores. Brady 9-for-9 on that drive. Raiders have dropped way too many passes this year, and that one managed to lead to an interception. Later, Crabtree does a good job of concentrating and bringing that one in for some yards. Cooper runs a route that isn't long enough, then he pushes off and gets flagged for it. Romo's not so sure about it after seeing it again. Cooks! He gets one of those a game, it seems. Touchdown Amendola. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Roberts let that get punched out of his hands and the Pats have it.


Lewis carried two Raiders about 10 yards and he's not a large man, relatively speaking. Gronk! Gostkowski, who's slipped a bit, will try from 62. We're 7200 feet up, remember. It's GOOD! 17-0 Patriots at the half. Apparently it's a long walk up to the locker rooms, according to Tracy Wolfson. COOKS. 64 yards off the top. Touchdown. Raiders can't get anything going. Now Lewis is out here with one shoe off. OK, 16 on the Raiders just took a swing at a Patriots defender after an incomplete pass. Del Rio challenging this Patterson play. It looks like a catch. Might as well go for it. Touchdown Raiders and at least they won't get shut out. (Patriots 33, Raiders 8)

Someone tackle that dude. First we've heard from Torrey Smith in a few weeks. Did... did these refs just flip a penalty? Barner with a fancy catch on the sideline. That's great foot control. Touchdown Barner (!) on the next play. Call stands. Second weird kickoff by Elliott tonight. Big run by Alfred Morris as Al reminds us that he was the man in Washington once upon a time. Prescott fools everyone on a keeper. Ronald Darby back, with two big plays against Bryant — a shoestring tackle and a pass breakup in the end zone on third down that forces a second Nugent field goal. Good Lord, that Theismann/LT spot for Redskins-Giants. McLeod gets an interception off a tipped pass. Barnett got to Dak unimpeded and Williams couldn't hold on. Cowboys hold and Elliott misses! Both offenses have stopped working. Barnett's been getting all kind of pressure tonight. Like there, on that Darby interception. Lot of drops by both teams tonight.


This seems like the best game Bryant's had in a while. Eagles hold and the Cowboys kick a field goal to go up 9-7. Jake Elliott's being evaluated for a head injury, we are told. Michele Tafoya saying that Elliott's out and that the Eagles won't bother kicking extra points the rest of the night. Wentz throws up a floater to Celek, who is uncovered. Then he finds Jeffrey on third down and the Eagles are in "field goal" range. Clement scores when they pull Brandon Brooks, who helps open a big hole. Going for two and they stack the right side of the formation, flip a screen to Clement, and he converts. Kamu Grugier-Hill is going to kick off, and that was actually pretty good. Decent return because Grugier-Hill would be on that coverage unit. You can't throw a pass that high for 5-10 Cole Beasley. Ajayi. AJAYI! I'm also really impressed with Byron Jones's speed there to run him down. Touchdown Smith, who may have broken the plane the first time before getting turned around. Defensive holding is declined. Then Wentz runs away from two Cowboys and finds Jeffrey for the two-point conversion. Talk on Jerry Jones's sudden vendetta against Roger Goodell. I don't know who you root for there and I'll leave it at that.




The Cowboys have had a few of those big runs tonight, but they haven't amounted to much. They can't get any of their receivers downfield. Ertz, finally. More elusiveness from Wentz and a good catch by Jeffrey to convert that third down. Blount with a big run. That's terrible tackling on that Agholor touchdown. Oh, that isn't a touchdown — his knee's down. (It's still terrible tackling.) So they're going for it on 4th and 5. Jeffrey with a diving catch! Is he in? It's a first down at least. They gave him the touchdown? OK. Conversion is no good (Ertz got stripped of the ball) and it's still 29-9. Barnett with pressure AGAIN, and this time Dak fumbles, and Bradham scoops it up and scores.


Eagles 3 for 4 on two-pointers tonight. There's still eight minutes left.


Who the hell is Cooper Rush? Sounds like one half of an NXT jobber tag team.


(Eagles 37, Cowboys 9)

Monday Night in Seattle? EXPECT SHENANIGANS. Not sure I've seen a kicker get piefaced on a kickoff before. It's definitely been a minute. Kickoff coverage has been... suboptimal so far. Heck of a tackle by Russ after that interception. Falcons making all the tough catches on this drive. It took four years but the Seahawks have finally figured out how to use Jimmy Graham in their offense. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Yeah, that's a fumble. SPECIAL TEAMS SHENANIGANS. FAKE FIELD GOAL. DENIED! OK, that Bladwin touchdown was too easy. He caught it and rolled right up into a kneel. NO. NOOOOO. BLAIR WALSH NOOOOO.


(I mean, I don't know about this, but I certainly wouldn't have kept throwing in the middle of the field with no time outs.) That has to be it for him, right? (Falcons 34, Seahawks 31)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (9-1) — Hook that to my veins
2. New England (8-2) — Well, that was easy enough
3. Pittsburgh (8-2) — Shutting the whole thing down
4. New Orleans (8-2) — A near-miss

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-7) — Usually it's the Lions who lose games that way
30. San Francisco (1-9) — That two-week Bay Area celebration is going to be INTENSE
31. N.Y. Giants (2-8) — This victory was a tactical error
32. Cleveland (0-10) — Once you get to 10, you have to start talking about the possibility
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Saturday, January 6, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Amateur Tip

So the leading rusher in this game was Adrian Peterson. That's... to be expected, given the parties involved. He only had 29 yards. That should be concerning to all parties involved. (Seahawks 22, Cardinals 16)

 Signal Finder: MIN @ WSH, PIT @ IND, LAC @ JAX (end),  CIN @ TEN (end), DAL @ ATL

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Great play on the interception by the Colts there, and it looks like Martavis Bryant got owned yet again. Not a great throw but he never saw it. Is that Joe Haden walking off? Nobody near Moncrief and he walks into the end zone. Touchdown Colts. Whoa, Speedway B-roll? I feel like that's not as common as it should be. Steelers not doing much offensively. Field goal is good. 10-3 Colts at the half.


The Steelers' secondary hasn't been the greatest. Safety goes the other way and it's touchdown Colts. Steelers pushing back. Touchdown Juju after a sick play fake. Extra point BLOCKED! He could go! One man to beat... and he doesn't beat him. 


Brissett pass goes through Doyle's hands and Shazier, who's tied up with Doyle, somehow intercepts it. Ben with enough time to eat a Primanti's before finding McDonald for the touchdown. Steelers go for two and Bryant(!) converts. Boswell MISSES. Steelers get it back and start making moves. I'm surprised they let Bryant come back, honestly. Brown! Boswell in position again... and it's good. (Steelers 20, Colts 17)



That's the Austin Seferian-Jenkins play again. The Bears can't do anything right. (Packers 23, Bears 16)

Bridgewater active! Also Washington's got the left side of its line back. Someone forgot to cover Ryan Grant on the crossing route. This is probably a touchdown. It's DEFINITELY a catch. Who is this dude? Oh, practice squad. Overturned and give them the points. Diggs beats Josh Norman pretty badly for a huge gain. Latavius Murray with the touchdown. Both 99 and 22 (Harrison Smith) on the Vikings have different-looking identical numerals on their jerseys. Cousins may have been hit late. Ah, helmet-to-helmet contact. Washington's going for it on 4th and 2 from the Vikings 35. Complete to Chris Thompson, and he scores easily on a better throw. Fumble? Fumble! And Kelley's hurt either way. Nah, his knee's down. Good hold by the Vikings defense and the field goal is good. #DeceptiveSpeed from Adam Thielen? Touchdown Diggs. Washington just shuffled four O-linemen in and out on three plays. Middle of the field EMPTY for Crowder. Vikings challenging the spot. They'll lose. Don't take me seriously. Washington going for it again. They're at the 4?? They get it as Samaje Perine goes to the 1. Cousins sneak. Touchdown about a minute later. Did he bobble the snap? Jesus, that was ugly. They seemingly refuse to cover Thielen, and then he makes Norman look foolish and snatches that pass for a touchdown. Then Cousins throws a not-good interception. Yep, too high. Aaand touchdown Vikings. Cousins takes a knee and it's 28-17 Vikings at halftime. Thielen AGAIN! I thought Josh Norman was good. Case Keenum is ON FIRE. Touchdown Vikings! Big play to Crowder, who follows it up with two red-zone drops. And Davis notes that that's the second time Sendejo's knocked the ball out of a WR's hands in the end zone. The Vikings look... legitimately scary. And I never thought I'd say that about a Case Keenum-quarterbacked team. Then he does that.


In no man's land again. 4th and 6 and Cousins' pass gets tipped. Another interception by Keenum! Did I jinx him? Cousins keeper is ruled a touchdown. Is it? Yeah, he's over before the ball falls out.
Vikings with a decision now. 4th and 12 from the Washington 40. Field goal time. Forbath good from 53 and it's 38-27. Now it's 4th and 1 from the Vikings' 33. The R's have ended up here a LOT today. Thompson LOSES five yards! Cousins can't take that sack. 4th and 25. Good Lord. They still have to try the field goal, but now it's a 56-yarder. It's GOOD? Oh. Onside kick fails. (Vikings 35, Redskins 30)

Saints literally running all over the Bills. Why'd they trade Marcell Dareus again? (Saints 47, Bills 10)

Wait, didn't the Jaguars take the lead? Bortles throwing into coverage. Did Hurns get hurt there? He's crawling quickly to the sideline. THEY GET BOSA FOR ROUGHING. Bortles smartly doesn't get sacked twice and the Jaguars have a chance to tie. New long snapper alert. Kick is still good. We're tied. Who does Bortles throw to these days with no Allen Robinson, no Allen Hurns, and apparently also no Marquise Lee? At least Philip Rivers has Keenan Allen. EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME.


Is this gonna end on a pick-six? Oh, no. OK. Even so. (Jaguars 20, Chargers 17, OT)

So finally, no Ezekiel Elliott. Also, no Tyron Smith today. Dez getting heated up early, and that's bad if you're a Falcons fan. Prescott sacked. Buck with the preemptive warning as we see that Dez was... look, in hockey, that's two minutes for boarding. Ryan throws an interception, which he's been doing a lot of lately. Xavier Woods? What? Freeman walking off, and that's bad if you're a Falcons fan. Play-action read-option and Prescott takes it himself. Well-designed. Ryan hitting his targets on this drive. Hooper makes a move to get a first down. Comes up short on the next one and Bryant kicks a field goal. Sean Lee's hurt again? Christ. Nice catch by Butler. Cowboys run a fake punt? OPI on the receiver. Alford MAY have sold that a little bit. That's a perfectly executed punt. No, really. Cowboys cover man was in great position and downed it right at the 2. Brief mention of Jerry Jones' dispute with Goodell's contract and Arthur Blank.


Prescott sacked again. Falcons back on the move.
Now in the red zone, where they could really use Freeman. That's too far for a dive, and Coleman does come up short. He doesn't that time, though, and it's 10-7 Falcons. Prescott doesn't get sacked and runs for a first down. Another run by Dak, who looked tired after that one. Completions to Beasley and Witten keep things going. ANOTHER sack and this time Prescott fumbles and the Falcons come up with it to go to halftime. Julio! Touchdown Falcons as Ryan was perfect on that drive. Cowboys come back with some big Morris runs. Field goal is NOT good. Hooper... does not score. This time he does. That was the same play, wasn't it? "Well, we got 18 yards last time. We can get two THIS time." There's another sack for Adrian Clayborn. Falcons are just running over the Cowboys now. SIX sacks for Clayborn. Buck is straight clowning Aikman at this point. (Falcons 27, Cowboys 7)



That Garrett Celek touchdown... oy. It's not like he's, y'know, fast.
(49ers 31, Giants 21)

Lot of glitches in this anthem performance. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.


And the Pats score immediately on a slant to Rex Burkhead. Osweiler finds Sanders (who IS playing) for a much-needed big gain. Field goal is good. JESUS. Broncos special teams. Dude PUSHED Lewis to a touchdown. That's Devante Booker, who's the backup running back — not used to tackling people. Sanders single handedly keeping the Broncos' offense running. Another field goal. And there's Gronk. Third and goal from the 1 1/2 and you go shotgun? You deserve to get sacked. Then this happened:


And now a BLOCKED PUNT. My God. Patriots challenging this Gronkowski catch. I'm not sure I can overturn this. So that cost Belichick two time outs. Field goal is good. Sanders AGAIN. Does Thomas even play any more? Touchdown Dwayne Allen, against Von Miller, and that's... that was his FIRST catch of the season? I thought he already had one. Christ, the Colts really have robbed the Pats twice in trades. 27-9 at halftime and the Broncos just look bad.


Demaryius Thomas lives! Anderson didn't get in. And it's offensive holding anyway. Touchdown Thomas! Penalty's on the Patriots so it'll stand. Pats busy answering. What's wrong with this defense? Lewis goes right through a big hole for a touchdown. Thomas almost made a great catch over Gilmore. Wait, why did they punt there? Harris gets away with interference on Cooks. Collinsworth: "Great cornerbacks are like great magicians."
Touchdown James White. Collinsworth talking about how Osweiler told him that he felt like his fundamentals got better during his brief stop in Cleveland and he immediately gets intercepted. Pats playing in Mexico City next week, so they're staying here to practice in altitude. Brian Hoyer in. Hard to say what exactly is wrong with the Broncos. It's more than one thing. In their last four games, they've given up 51 and 41 AND been shut out. They've blown it at quarterback, obviously, but the defense has been awful the last two weeks. Thomas, who's ostensibly their No. 1 receiver, hasn't been part of the offense for about 14 games going back to last season.
Small "Brady" chant breaking out. "And it's on to Mexico." (Patriots 41, Broncos 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-1) — Rest in the nest
2. New England (7-2) — Not quite like clockwork, but effective nonetheless
3. Pittsburgh (7-2) — Seriously, that was way too close
4. New Orleans (7-2) — Have never run the ball like this

 BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-6) — Already playing out the string, it seems
30. San Francisco (1-9) — The first of... some?
31. N.Y. Giants (1-8) — This isn't going to get any better, is it?
32. Cleveland (0-9) — Where's the foundation?

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