Saturday, November 15, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Rise From Fire

Is this the biggest New Browns game since the playoff game? I think it is. But first, this dispatch from Steeler Nation:


Simms thinks Gresham saw the linebacker before Dalton did. The Browns changed running backs for no discernible reason mid-drive. Touchdown! Or not? Nah, it's a touchdown. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Dalton's missed everybody so far. I mean EVERYBODY. Try a running play, maybe?


 They're going for it on 4th and 10? I'm pretty sure the Browns called time out just to ask "Are they serious?" Apparently they're playing inside a tornado. So they got a pass interference flag. OK. Does Dalton now know where he is? Why didn't he run for that? Hey, Nugent made the kick after all. Fitzpatrick tried to give the return man an overhead belly-to-belly but didn't have any leverage. The Browns went right and Geno Atkins went left. Has Dalton completed a pass yet? I mean, to a teammate.


Hoyer to Benjamin on this drive is the first good pass that's been thrown so far. That is one big check.
The Browns are out here straight grinding. That 3rd down screen was doomed from the start. FROM THE START. Billy Cundiff's still alive? The Browns have "Baltimore" in their cadence? That's cold. And now the Bengals' offensive line has broken down.



Nantz: "They're moving the chains back." I didn't even see the Bengals challenge this but whatever. Fumble? No, that's not a fumble. Fumble! Now we've got a flag. That's CLOSE. Yeah, he broke the plane first — you can actually see it better on the reverse angle. As bad as Dalton's been that might do it.


Take heart, Bengals fans:


I mean, for whatever that's worth. No pun intended. (Browns 24, Bengals 3)

Signal Finder: PIT @ NYJ, DAL @ JAX (London), MIA @ DET (end), SF @ NO (OT), NYG @ SEA

Don't let Romo do anything and you'll win by two touchdowns. A field goal? After two big Murray plays? That... might get it done today, actually. Shoelace! Denard Robinson may legitimately be the Jaguars' best player. Gotta catch that punt, kid. Then the Jaguars spend too much time watching a clearly slowed Romo while Witten sneaks in behind them and sits down in the end zone. Dez just injured seven Jaguars on that touchdown. Can't turn the football over after big plays, Jaguars. Can't turn the football over after big plays, Cowboys. So if you're the Jags, you've got a minute or so left and one time out. You might as well try to score, right? Well that didn't work out so well. Wait, did Dez kill the Jaguars AGAIN? This game's over. Offensive holding in the end zone on a punt? Really? Is Goose wearing a porkpie? That's a size too small? Man, Romo and Murray should have been out of this game 35 minutes ago. And we should have been switched to Saints-49ers at about the same time. (Cowboys 31, Jaguars 17)





Wait... the Jets are up 10? And it's looked relatively easy? This Steelers defense clearly isn't good enough to pull out wins. That's old school Vick right there. Another touchdown!? Yo, Gannon, the Steelers weren't down 17 last week against the Ravens, either. It's not even close to the same situation.


It's hard to believe Jason Babin was ever good. How did Ben get out of that in time? This is a surprisingly methodical drive by the Steelers right now. Wait, what? This is the greatest day of Jaiquan Jarrett's life. Ever. I don't care if he's married or has kids. Nothing's topping this. And it's gonna stand. That probably could have been a flag for a hit on a defenseless Vick, as if this game wasn't already chippy enough. Wait... the Steelers challenged for a fumble and they should have won it?


And then Antonio Brown muffed the punt? Of course the Jets missed the field goal. They're the Jets. Are the Steelers gonna get this ball spiked? Just barely. Suisham from 53? I don't like it. Whoa, he made it.




That goal-line sequence by the Steelers... oof. Oh, an onside kick? That's the only thing that makes kicking the field goal acceptable. Offsides? They flagged Vick for that? I'd be mad too if I was Rex. Oh no. Really? There's still plenty of time for the Jets to blow this now. Nice onside kick, Suisham. Mike Mitchell just dove over the line of scrimmage into an ass-kicking, which is kind of the perfect metaphor. Also notable: THE CLEVELAND BROWNS ARE NOW IN FIRST PLACE. (Jets 20, Steelers 13)



And that was after Calvin had burned him for a touchdown earlier. Speaking of touchdowns, that last one. Stafford threw a LASER. A SIDEARM LASER. Who else does that? This review is taking entirely too long. (Lions 20, Dolphins 16)



GRAHAM!!! Pushed off. We're going to overtime. That's supreme embellishment by Cox (who was, in fact, pushed).

"Great job so far, gentlemen." Nobody's happy right now. Stay on your side, Niners. Punting on 4th and 2? I'm not sure I like this. There's a real absence of pass protection going on right now.



Fumble! 49ers have it! Dawson wins it. #23 on the 49ers is Shaun White. (49ers 27, Saints 24, OT)

Wilson gambled and lost on that one — the coverage was way too tight. Aikman's right that Eli needed a little more elevation on that pass to Donnell that was broken up. Touchdown Giants.
That's exactly how you beat Sherman — the double move. Beckham again?
The Giants are doing a bang-up job sealing the edge against Wilson. This drive is a grind.


Lynch just refuses to be tackled by one person. That's an awful throw by Wilson. Foles throws that pick and most of my fellow Eagles fans are putting him in front of a firing squad. This whole "the Giants don't have heart" thing... that's just not true. They just don't have a good enough roster. Sweet 60-yard floater, Russ. All 11 Giants were required to stop Lynch there.


Tip drill interception! That wasn't even Eli's fault, really, unless you don't like the throw. And on second glance, that throw was high and Beckham's not tall enough to catch it, which is how Sherman tipped it so easily. So it was Eli's fault. Forget I said this. Don't run it out- oh. Never mind, Earl.
Aikman with a five o'clock shadow? Not the best look, I have to say. Dude pushed Lockette right into the path of the ball. Wilson got REAL lucky there. Someone on the edge of the pile tried to pick it up and it slipped backwards out of his hands. It happened AGAIN? And Lynch makes the Giants pay for not capitalizing on good fortune. That's what, four? Christine Michael? AKA the guy who's going to be doing this full-time next year? He got down to the 1.

This time Wilson takes it in. The Giants should be embarrassed. When you're getting run on like this it usually means you're getting whipped up front, and that's what's happening here. The Seahawks, on the other hand, needed this one. (Seahawks 38, Giants 17)

I guess everybody can score for the Packers against the Bears in Lambeau. Did he just sign? Like, 15 minutes before kickoff? And there's Micah Hyde with the first of a lot of those. Who was that guy? Clay pounds Cutler into the dirt and we've got words being exchanged. I predict a fight tonight, by the way. Utterly blown coverage by the Bears secondary. But that's Jay Cutler's fault. Right. Did Nelson get both feet in? He did! This game's over.




Collinsworth eventually got around to the correct answer to Al's question. Hey, the Bears are in the red zone. How was no one flagged on that business with Jeffrey and Williams in the end zone? The Bears have to go for this on 4th down, right? That was damn near picked off. Rodgers with a 50-something yard screen pass to Lacy for another touchdown. No big deal.


Now the Bears are running reverses down 35 and that's not even working. Al: "We're not gonna flex out of the second half, are we?" Good Lord, not again. Cobb... fumbles? Yeah, he fumbled. Aaand the Bears give it right back. That's just cold, Peppers. OH NO. Insert Jim Ross Hell In A Cell commentary here. Give it up, Hurst. It's over.


And now on this punt a Bears gunner just hit a Packer in the face. Hey, a blocked punt. Let's add that to the ledger.




A field goal? I'm legitimately sad. Well there goes the shutout.


Really he's thinking, "Better you than me." Why the hell is McCarthy challenging this? Just so he can lose another one? Also, why is Cutler still in this game? Does Trestman think he has to get him killed to make a change? Now he's out here throwing up clay pigeons. That was a damn shot put. Hey, no flags! Take 20 dollars out of petty cash, 82. HOW ARE THERE STILL EIGHT MINUTES LEFT!?!?!?!? About damn time, Trestman. *crosses off Bears* (Packers 55, Bears 14)





The green jerseys HAVE RETURNED. Everyone calm down. Fumble? Fumble! Did Casey Matthews knock that ball out? Good for him. Two bad Sanchez throws later and it's field goal time. That's a bad throw by Cam and OH MY GOD CARY WILLIAMS WITH AN INTERCEPTION. Sanchez is getting plenty of time in the pocket so far. That was SO easy.


Matthews almost interfered with Olsen on that long pass, and maybe he should have. Gruden's talking about Newton's odd mechanics, which Rich Gannon tweeted about last week. Good play by Cam and Cotchery to beat the blitz. Touchdown Stewart. Cam almost didn't get that shuffle pass off... could have been a safety. SPROLES! Hard to believe he's never returned a punt for a touchdown until this year and now he has two. Just think, if the Saints hadn't given Jairus Byrd $9 million a year, they could have kept Sproles AND Jenkins for the same amount of cash. Gruden lamenting his own coaching career right now. This isn't going well for the Panthers. Things ARE going well for Jordan Matthews on this drive. Then the first commercial is Cam's PowerBeats spot that starts with him saying "They'll tell you to give up." Sanchez does seem to throw a harder ball than Foles. Don't get going for it on fourth down here. Of course, the Eagles are beating Cam up tonight.


How did Cam get that ball out? I mean, I guess I understand throwing deep on 4th and 1 — I'd make the Eagles' corners earn every penny tonight and every night — but you have to do a better job than that. A PICK SIX BY FLETCHER. THIS IS THE END TIMES.


Cam looks like he's in pain. Go home, Roman Harper. Just go home. Touchdown McCoy! About time. Glad to see Cox join the sack party — he's been creating havoc for everyone else this year.


It occurs to me that was the first time we've heard Luke Kuechly's name tonight. Good hustle by Olsen to recover the fumble, since he's been about the only Panther who's shown up tonight.


This is all Marty Hurney's fault, by the way. Why does Gruden have a Vitamix? Oh, they're talking about the sports science stuff.


There's still seven minutes left? My word. Oh, the Panthers are trying to come back. That's cute. Barkley time! And here comes the Obligatory Cheesesteak Debate.


I mean, anyone who's from here will tell you that there are about 40 places better than both Pat's and Geno's. At least they mentioned Tony Luke's, so praise be for that. (Eagles 45, Panthers 21)



RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Arizona (8-1) — But now they're back to Stanton for good
2. New England (7-2) — Will the open week cool them off?
3. Denver (7-2) — Continuing the assault
4. Philadelphia (7-2) — All right, let's do it

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-8) — Have similar problems as the Bears, if you think about it
30. Chicago (3-6) — Dick Butkus is turning over in his grave. Wait, what?
31. Jacksonville (1-9) — I feel like sending the Jags to England every year is one last middle finger from the Revolution
32. Oakland (0-9) — I'm running out of material

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