Thursday, November 27, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Mojo Fallin'

Because some things you just have to see for yourself. Like this: TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. That may have been the Raiders' best drive in the last three years. That "no Chiefs receivers have a touchdown catch" stat is amazing and unsustainable.


The Chiefs should just stop running that play. It's. Not. Working. LaTavius Murray. OK.


I mean, think about what's happening here. Janikowski is legitimately a top 5 player on this roster. Amazingly, Charles Woodson, even now, is another one. (The others are Carr, Mack and probably James Jones. Or maybe it's Justin Tuck.) Oh, Raiders. A muffed punt. That pass was uncatchable. The Raiders hold! That's not quite a safety, Woodson. I've seen better punts. Is he hurt?


I mean, Carr has nothing around him and he's managed to not be historically bad this season. That was a bit close, Seabass. This Fasano maybe touchdown is close. Bank it.


Yeah, you'd think the Oakland Coliseum would be in worse shape than it actually is. (I mean, it's not GREAT now, but you'd expect spikes in the turf or something.) Charles! And Smith busted out one of those Stafford-angle throws. Like some sidearm shit. Hey, John Madden's here tonight. Almost borderline tackle by the #athleticpunter. That hit the ground. It didn't? Oh, wow, it didn't. My mistake. Horrible bootleg right into Justin Houston. 4th and 1.


Carr sneak and... he made it. The Chiefs are acting like this pass interference is going to be on the Raiders and they're wrong as hell. Another quarterback sneak on 4th down works. TOUCHDOWN. RAIDERS. It's sad that the two most competitive Thursday night games so far have involved the Jets and Raiders. They overturned that catch? Wow. Smith's taken some hits on this series. Three flags on one play? That's Raider football! That's a gigantic sack on third down. Calm down, kids. Good looking out by Tuck to call that time out with two of his guys on the other side of the field. He's still wearing that weird face mask, too.




And that pass... was not even close to anybody. Raiders win! Theeeee... Raiders win!


(Raiders 24, Chiefs 20)

Signal Finder: TEN @ PHI, AZ @ SEA, MIA @ DEN or WSH @ SF

THE JOSH HUFF REDEMPTION TOUR BEGINS.


The bad news is the defense has to go out there. Or maybe not. Mettenberger looked like he was going to get that pass off on 3rd down but Barwin hurdled no one to sack him. Wait, the Eagles are at the Titans' 20 already? I never thought I'd see the day when Darren Sproles became a fantasy football touchdown vulture. Leon Washington spinning like a top. That was probably uncalled pass interference but whatever anymore. McCoy CAUGHT that? How? Oh, that's how. The Titans' offense has gotten nothing done so far. That incompletion was the first Sanchez throw that's looked like it had something on it. Now words are being exchanged. Gumbel: "Easy, fellas, this isn't a NASCAR race." What even happened? Oh, Griffin laid out Brad Smith before he even jumped for the ball. I think they called that penalty on the wrong person. Now the hit on Matthews is how you do that in today's NFL. Why did the Eagles stop running the ball? Again, that throw that was intercepted was just flat. Lot of blame to go around for that one. McCoy gets loose in a secondary for the second time all year.
So what happened there? Then Curry gets flagged for a close face mask to keep the drive alive. And that's a touchdown. This crowd is furious. Hey, Ertz is back. We still don't know why Huff's off kickoff returns, though. Griffin's in some real pain there. Cooper caught that? Did he stay inbounds? Hey, they gave McCoy the ball at the goal line! Imagine that. Whisenhunt is addicted to these big formations. Covering Delanie Walker would be nice. As well as the middle of the field.


This one-minute drill is confusing. They have to review (and overturn) that Maclin catch, right? Oh, this might stand, actually. Parkey missed? Oof, off the upright. This has been an interminable first half. We got a lot of pinballing going on on this one. "The ball was fumbled and recovered by...." Recovered by who? RECOVERED BY WHO? THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART. Oh, good. OK.


That's the first time Nate Allen has touched a football this year. Good throw by Sanchez on the touchdown (and good recognition of the coverage.) Offsetting penalties? Fine, the Eagles will just sack Mettenberger again. How do they pick that flag up? I have no idea where Sanchez was going with that one. I guess the Titans don't like being competitive. Now it's a flag festival. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I don't know if that flip to Celek was planned but it sure didn't look like it. What's going on with the snaps? Is Kelce hurt again?


I know they're up 40-17 but enough with the giving up big plays. Oh, Washington pushed off? Why is Whisenhunt mad? This game's never going to end. For our own sanity, Chip, don't challenge this. Why did you challenge this? It's irrelevant. Even though you won. 27:11? "Thank you." We're still here? Why are we still here?(Eagles 43, Titans 24)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Mike Smith; 2. Jim Caldwell; 3. Brian Hoyer; 4. Matthew Stafford; 5-57. The New York Jets

To elaborate: Mike Smith called that time out with 55 seconds left because "they (the Browns) would have called it if we didn't." Which is EXACTLY THE POINT. You're SUPPOSED to make the other team use its time outs when they don't have the ball. The happiest guy in the Georgia Dome after that farce ended was Hoyer, since now nobody's going to talk about how bad he's been the last two weeks. Still, the Falcons are going to win the NFC South, and Mike Smith will still be fired. (Browns 26, Falcons 24)

The 12th man is angry about that pass interference call but it was probably the right one. That kick is... NO good. These fans are awful ornery for some reason. The Cardinals' pass defense broke down on that long play action pass to Lockette. Then they sack Wilson twice in a row. Two bad throws in a row by Stanton — the first one Ellington made a neat behind-the-back catch on, the other one was intercepted. This is the best the Seahawks' defense has looked all year, and that includes the opener. They just haven't had the same mojo. Who'd they get for an illegal block on the Wilson run? I  missed it. Wilson may not survive behind this offensive line. Campbell has three sacks this quarter. And now the field goal gets blocked?


The Cardinals have five receivers named Brown and one of them just dropped a touchdown pass. Oh, Cardinals. You don't have the quarterback to steal that from the Seahawks' playbook. Blocked punt! And again the Seahawks can't get close to the end zone. Lynch!! How about covering him, Cardinals? Who's THAT dude? OH MY GOD A TOUCHDOWN. That might seal it. WOW! John Brown is SICK. Great stop by the Seahawks defense, which has basically saved their season today. Now Lynch can go to town. Well, sort of. (Seahawks 19, Cardinals 3)

Nantz: "There may be a challenge flag, and whoever sent down that one got some bad information." Confirmed. That makes it even worse. Speaking of mojo, what's up with the Broncos? Tannehill walked into the end zone like it was nothing. Well, they do still seem to make any running back look like a world beater. No Julius Thomas, so his backup scores and it's called back by offensive pass interference on Demaryius. Is that snow? Good coverage but perfect placement by Peyton on the touchdown. The Dolphins can't hold on to the ball. Clean catch in the end zone by Wallace. Quick snap! Peyton caught the Dolphins off guard, then they jumped the route five yards in and got lit up. Touchdown and how does Demaryius get that open? Off the upright? Tannehill got crushed on that sack. That's a fumble on the punt. That John Denney guy's played 155 straight Dolphins games and I have never heard of him before this moment. A tipped ball behind the line of scrimmage gets intercepted and then fumbled. Then a holding call on the Broncos gives the Dolphins a first down and about 15 yards back, because it somehow happened before the interception, which happened immediately. Touchdown and the Dolphins are about a quarter away from getting everybody's attention. Of course, they might want to consider covering Demaryius. I mean, with anyone. This drive is a dissection. There was one incompletion on that drive and there was a defensive penalty on that play. Ward picks Tannehill and and two plays later the Broncos are up 11. We're done here. OR ARE WE? Yeah, actually, we are. (Broncos 39, Dolphins 36)

I still haven't seen that alleged penalty that nullified the Tavon Austin touchdown. That's how bad it was. (Chargers 27, Rams 24)

Does Prime Time Romo show up tonight? This Giants drive is inspired. Nice screen setup. Bad decision, Eli, but you got away with it. Touchdown. The Law and Order theme? OK. Seriously, Beckham? SERIOUSLY?!?! AND his arm got hooked before he got free.




And I wasn't sure he was inbounds at first, and it's like, he had room to SPARE. Dez took a big hit there. Murray disappeared in that pile then came out the same way he went in. That was almost a handoff. Odd call that worked and it's a touchdown for Witten. The Giants in general are inspired.
This... feels like a fumble but I don't know if they can overturn it. Yep, stands. And Williams makes up for it by scoring on the next play. The Giants have absolutely handled this "improved" Cowboys defense tonight. Hey, they got a stop on the next drive. Both Eli and Romo are getting hit. That's... a fumble? That's incomplete. No, that's a fumble. And that's a big penalty against Dallas to give the Giants more yards. So it's intentional grounding.


Coughlin gave up the time out to prevent the half ending, which is interesting. Throw it up! Well that was doomed to failure. NFL Network has been plugging Cowboys-Bears almost as long as NBC was promoting Seahawks-49ers on Thanksgiving. Oh man, Dungy just stealth-trolled Rodney Harrison.
Didn't Fox announce Bruno Mars for the Super Bowl halftime last year in, like, Week 1? Katy Perry. So I guess she settled that deal with the NFL.


That hold by Tyron Smith on JPP was to save Romo. Cole Beasley lives! We haven't seen much of him this year. Al is skeptical of that not being intentional grounding. Just keep running the ball, Giants. That's a late hit. Wait, what? The ref just said Beckham flopped. ALL RIGHT THEN. (Aside: If soccer refs did that more often we'd make some progress.)


Damn you, Giants, I TOLD you to RUN THE BALL. I blame the play calling. That was also a bad throw. Dez is somehow wide open and scores and the Cowboys may have just won this game. Oh wow, Scandrick slipped and Eli had Beckham for a bomb but checked down because he was being rushed. Cris making a good point about the Giants' lack of playmakers with Beckham now hurt.


I'm legitimately tired of these two eternally trying to sell me on the idea that Orlando Scandrick is good. The Giants are moving the ball again. Jennings got free on the screen and dodged two tackles. I think his head got in, but the ball didn't. Touchdown Giants! And they didn't throw any fades! Of course, now they need a stop. And they're not going to get one. My goodness that was inevitable. Romo had a week to throw those last two passes.




So Eli has 61 seconds and three time outs. This 4th down spot will be extremely close. I think he's short, guys. And he didn't make it. Wait, Giants fans were selling their tickets to Cowboys fans? That is the weakest of all sauce. (Cowboys 31, Giants 28)



I mean, maybe that's what it takes. Or maybe just play the Jets every week. Vick got hurt trying ot make a tackle on a bad pass that was intercepted. That sums it up, I'd say. (Bills 38, Jets 3)

Gruden: "Drew Brees off to a very good start." It's the first play of the game, man. So that's probably not a fumble. I assume they're going for it here. I mean the ball's on the 2-yard line and they've lost two straight at home. Ingram got STONEWALLED. Flacco's thrown three passes and they're in the red zone already. The Ravens have to call time out coming off a Saints time out? That's poor. That Steve Smith catch is the opposite of poor. Somehow Jimmy Graham was uncovered. That shouldn't happen ever. Smith just bulldozing people. Uh-oh. This one's interesting. Was he down? If not, who ended up with the ball? The Saints did. So they're at, what, their own 3? Oh, the 1. That's even worse. Oh, never mind. Why is there a guy dressed as Master Chief in the crowd? Another challenge! This one the Ravens may win because I don't think Stills was inbounds. Call stands. OK. Ingram's done nothing tonight. Graham just dropped a touchdown. Will Hill's a Raven? Of COURSE they'd pick up a guy who got dumped for violating the drug policy. Brodrick Bunkley went out with an injury and the Saints can't stop the run anymore. STEVE SMITH FIGHT. Gruden thinks Vaccaro started it. I'd have flagged both guys myself. Not a good throw by Brees. And there's Hill! This Saints offense hasn't been itself, and part of it is that Brees has lost a tick, and a bigger part of it is that Marques Colston, despite his touchdown tonight, has fallen off a freaking cliff. The thing about Justin Forsett's success is that it's a sign of a guy who has talent, but couldn't get an opportunity.


Torrey Smith just embarrassed Patrick Robinson. Or Robinson just embarrassed himself, I'm not sure. Forsett JUST made that. And then he finishes it off.


That's the first jump ball Graham's won tonight. My God, that schedule graphic. Is anybody in this sorry lot winning six games? (Ravens 34, Saints 27)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (9-2) — They just don't look beatable
2. Arizona (9-2) — Could be a critical hiccup
3. Green Bay (8-3) — No one better than Rodgers right now
4. Denver (8-3) — The usual Peyton heroics save the day

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (2-9) — Gave away a game to a less talented Bears team
30. N.Y. Jets (2-9) — Whatever needs to be done, they won't do it right
31. Jacksonville (1-10) — Stay in Blackpool and think about what you've done
32. Oakland (1-10) — I mean, this could happen, guys
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Saturday, November 22, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Alarm Sounds

Man, when's the last time a Bills-Dolphins game mattered? This Landry kid can run back a kick or two. There's a haze on the field. Is that fog, fireworks smoke, or what? The Dolphins are abusing the sidelines. Not a fan of the solid color look. 3rd and 24? They GOT it? That field goal is a win for both sides. Hey, a Bryce Brown sighting. Hmmm. And a field goal for the other side. Big run by Miller with a separate shoulder. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Things were going so well. One of the reasons the Bills traded for Bryce Brown is that his contract runs past this season, while Jackson's and Spiller's didn't. He's not at 300 yards yet? Kyle Orton scrambling is... not the best idea.


So that's where the on-set guys hang out during the game. Oh, right, Mario Williams. You forget who's even on the Bills. WTF with those contacts, Mario. MORE FIELD GOALS. Did two Bills run into each other? That's a close call on that grounding in the end zone. But why does it matter if the ball got back to the line of scrimmage? Oh, right, because he was still in the pocket.  The Bills recovered the free kick?! They did! Delmas dropped an interception because he ran into the ball. You know what's coming, right? Oh, a MISSED field goal. Even better! This game sucks.


Oh, word? I think Landry's short of the end zone here. Touchdown stands and that might be it given the Bills' sorry red zone offense. And it is sorry. Of course, I'm assuming they even reach the end zone again, which is a dicey proposition at best. (Dolphins 22, Bills 9)

Signal Finder: CIN @ NO, SF @ NYG, PHI @ GB

The ref's mics aren't working in New Orleans. They still aren't. At least the announcers realize it. Did Gresham fumble that and get it back? Yeah, he was trying to extend the ball over the plane (even though he wasn't nearly close enough) when he lost it, then it got kicked and he fell on it. Hmmm. A linebacker on A.J. Green? You do you, Saints. Dalton's already completed more passes than he did the whole game against the Browns. Did A.J. pick that off the ground? NO, it hit the ground first. Encroachment on a defensive back? That's almost impossible to do. And yet... Not only should Hill have gone out of bounds, if he cuts outside he probably scores. I mean, there's no reason for Vaccaro to lower his head there. That's just stupid.


Gresham will never catch an easier touchdown.Brian Leonard's still in the league? Oh, the Saints just signed him. OK. Feels like the Saints have had the ball for an hour. And that touchdown will end this drive. So how do the Bengals come back? All A.J. Green, All The Time. Now this is interesting. Did his left foot touch out of bounds in the end zone? Oh, they're saying it was down first when he caught it, so they're counting both feet. That might do it. This fourth quarter has been a dud.


(Bengals 27, Saints 10)

J.J. Watt is an offensive juggernaut. JUGGERNAUT, I SAY.


See? (Texans 23, Browns 7)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Terrible tackling by the Giants so far — the Kaepernick 3rd down run, the guy trying to strip Carlos Hyde of the ball and failing, the two guys who had Boldin stoned before he got away. Fumble, FINALLY. The 49ers had been playing with ball security fire that whole drive. Giants are open all over the field. OH MY GOD A TOUCHDOWN. That's their first opening-drive touchdown in 20 games. I'm not sure that's pass interference but turn around and it doesn't get called.


Did the 49ers just give Vernon Davis the ball on a straight handoff? They don't need to try so hard. That didn't go well. Eli telegraphed that but that was a good play by Borland to intercept it. Kaepernick's having accuracy issues on third down. Another field goal. Nice catch by Donnell through contact. Oh, Eli. What was THAT? And John Lynch's explanation made absolutely no sense — the ball slipped out of his hand? Really? Why did the Giants down that punt? If they let it roll the clock runs out. Crabtree just embarrassed several Giants defenders. With Preston Parker going off with an injured something, the Giants are running out of receivers. Onside kick! Harbaugh might win this challenge because Shaun White-looking dude's knee was down. Of course, I've been wrong before. And that was worst Eli — he completely airmailed that one. I'm sure there were some illegal blocks on this return but that's not the big story here. Thing is, he hadn't been doing that a lot this year. Bad snap on the field goal attempt? That's a sign, 49ers. Challenging spots is always dicey but I'm not sure how Beckham didn't get that spot. Denied! How did Eli not run into his own man there? Big play by him and Beckham to get out of that hole. Eli got crunched on that fourth pick.


Hey, Randle's back. HOLY CHRIST BECKHAM. I was going to tell Harbaugh to throw the flag immediately but there's no way he wins this one. Now the Giants are busy dropping corner fades in the end zone. Is Kevin Gilbride still calling these plays? RUN THE BALL! Unbelievable. 1st and goal from the 4 and four straight passes? With the last one being intercepted in the middle of the field? That should get someone fired.




The 49ers failed miserably at running the clock out and now the Giants still have a chance.


But, apparently, not much of one. (49ers 16, Giants 10)

Listen, I don't know what happened that the Broncos are now allegedly having offensive line problems, but Richie Incognito's the answer to a question you really don't want to ask. (Rams 22, Broncos 7)


Damn it, Troy, you really should shave. Looks like a slick track at the Tundra. Rodgers has not been intercepted at home this year. That's not easy to do. Fletcher's burn percentage just went up. I don't understand the Packers' uniforms. Run the ball, Packers. That's... not a catch — Nelson only got one foot down. That's a win for the Eagles' defense right there. Maclin couldn't keep his feet either after that catch. Tobin got blown up on that sack. How did Cobb get loose in the second- oh, right. Are those new flurries or snow being blown in from outside? Rodgers with a week to throw. 3rd and 23? Who jumped? DON'T INTERFERE! DON'T INTERFERE! So they're not going to be able to stop 3rd and 18, either.


Good thing I had this marked as a loss when the schedule came out. Well then. Wait, Sanchez has been hit in the head twice already? That is gimmick infringement and I will not stand for it. Hey, an Eagles drive. Sanchez ran right into that sack.


There are open Packers everywhere. That touchdown to Nelson was perfection all around. It's weird that the Eagles are running the ball so much down 21. The Packers even recover their own fumbles. That's all Fletcher can do at this point. The Eagles were never winning this game but I didn't think it'd be THIS bad.


Sanchez adjusted to the bigger throw and it worked? That's the first time ever. (I'm not kidding.) And then he gets sacked again and some of these hits are taking are clear fouls. A bad handoff leads to a fumble. Hey, the Packers are punting! So Sanchez throws a pass that Huff drops, then a terrible interception to Peppers and then gets flagged for an illegal block. This one's over. Poor Jordan Matthews, holding on to Peppers for dear life. Aikman's right — the Packers have had the same struggles against good teams that the Eagles have allegedly had. The place kicking in this game has been... interesting.


Why is Rodgers still in this game? Why is Sanchez still in this game? He doesn't need reps that badly. The real takeaway here: The Packers, barring a Biblical collapse, just won the NFC North. The Lions never win in Lambeau anyway, and the way the Packers are playing at home right now, do you really think they have an answer for this? (Packers 53, Eagles 20)

Brady looks straight-up evil in his photo in the intro. Roof is CLOSED. Because it's likely balls cold outside. The Patriots are making this look easy. That's... suboptimal coverage on Wayne. Twice, even.
What the heck, Brady? I thought you'd stopped doing that. Coby Fleener's getting a lot of run so far. Deflecterception off... someone's fingertips. It was Wayne, and Revis was on him. Brady with a slant to nobody but apparently the Colts bumped someone off his route, hence the flag. Jonas Gray? Who? Apparently he played at Notre Dame but nobody knows who he is. The Patriots have been overloading the offensive line on runs all night so far. Here's the thing on the second Brady interception: Brady saw it was man coverage, which means he probably should have known the rush was coming, and Adams got him again anyway. Nicks caught a touchdown pass! I'm stunned. Cris with some good tactical advice for Michele Tafoya. I feel like nobody scouted this Jonas Gray dude. Was he even on the team three weeks ago? Wayne keeps getting open somehow. They're gonna kick this? I know it's Vinatieri but still. No doubt about that one. Why did Belichick look surprised? You running a play here or what, Tom? Make up your mind. The Colts cannot stop this guy. It's amazing. That's an odd explanation of why that's a touchback and not a safety. This has to be frustrating for the Colts — they've put together good drives but haven't finished most of the night. Bradshaw didn't get in. He still didn't.


Tackle eligible! Touchdown! And that DANCE. Seriously, did Vereen get hurt or something? I haven't seen him since the opening drive and Gray has 30 carries. After Gray scored again they cut to Luck on the sideline with a look on his face like "Who IS that guy?" The Colts are going on 4th and 10? Oh, I didn't realize how late the game was. Gronk just put on a SHOW. Wow.


This conversation Al and Cris are having about Reggie Wayne raises a legitimate Hall of Fame question, but is he the best No. 2 receiver ever? It's either him or John Stallworth, right? Hey, Brady and Belichick broke their Indy losing streak. Good for them. (Patriots 42, Colts 20)

Who thought putting the Titans on Monday Night Football in November was a good idea? This is a game you put on Week 3 while there's still a chance they might not be terrible.


Wait, Brian Hoyer started a game for the Cardinals? That... is an inauspicious beginning. Nowhere to go but up, Zach. Good job helping him out, Kendall Wright. Hey, Bishop Sankey's finally starting. He's only their best back by a  mile. Ben is throwing passes all over the place. These fans don't seem to like Heath Miller. That wasn't a great throw to Bryant in the end zone. That one to Brown was much better. I thought Sankey fumbled for a second. And where was the left tackle going?
Like, I'd forgotten Michael Griffin was still on the Titans. that's how anonymous and irrelevant this franchise is. I'm amazed that wasn't intercepted (and in the hands of many other quarterbacks, it would have floated over Brown and, in fact, have been intercepted.) That was Eli-esque, Ben. They picked up the blitz and he just threw it to McCourty. But let's give the Titans credit for at least playing defense tonight — they've mostly gotten stops at the right time. Jesus. Nate Washington just torched the Steelers' defense and the Titans have the lead. When he was a Steeler, he was guaranteed one of those a game. Ben's getting beat up in this half. Mettenberger has a better arm than I remember. Hey, the dude who punched out a Ravens coach two weeks ago scored! Yeah, might be time to run with Bell for a while, Steelers. They really don't like Heath Miller in Titansland. What's that about? Well, this'll get several looks. Oh, I think he's short. Well clearly I'm bad at this. Ray's right — those old Ravens-Titans games when the Titans were good were throwdowns. Antonio Brown just beat a double team to give the Steelers the lead back. Man, Bell is just going off now.


Seriously, why would the booth be open-air? Doesn't make sense. The Steelers STILL have the ball? So much for a last-second rally, huh? (Steelers 27, Titans 24)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (8-2) — "Will the open week cool them off?" Apparently not
2. Arizona (9-1) — But now they're back to Stanton for good
3. Green Bay (7-3) — Establishing their presence with authority
4. (tie) Denver (7-3) — Wait, what?
(tie) Kansas City (7-3) — Hey, look who's red hot right now

BOTTOM 4:
28. (tie) Tampa Bay (2-8) — Saddest of the NFC South's sad sacks
(tie) N.Y. Jets (2-8) — Whatever needs to be done, they won't do it right
(tie) Washington (3-7) — Can't do anything right
31. Jacksonville (1-9) — Stay in Blackpool and think about what you've done
32. Oakland (0-10) — I mean, this could happen, guys



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Saturday, November 15, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Rise From Fire

Is this the biggest New Browns game since the playoff game? I think it is. But first, this dispatch from Steeler Nation:


Simms thinks Gresham saw the linebacker before Dalton did. The Browns changed running backs for no discernible reason mid-drive. Touchdown! Or not? Nah, it's a touchdown. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Dalton's missed everybody so far. I mean EVERYBODY. Try a running play, maybe?


 They're going for it on 4th and 10? I'm pretty sure the Browns called time out just to ask "Are they serious?" Apparently they're playing inside a tornado. So they got a pass interference flag. OK. Does Dalton now know where he is? Why didn't he run for that? Hey, Nugent made the kick after all. Fitzpatrick tried to give the return man an overhead belly-to-belly but didn't have any leverage. The Browns went right and Geno Atkins went left. Has Dalton completed a pass yet? I mean, to a teammate.


Hoyer to Benjamin on this drive is the first good pass that's been thrown so far. That is one big check.
The Browns are out here straight grinding. That 3rd down screen was doomed from the start. FROM THE START. Billy Cundiff's still alive? The Browns have "Baltimore" in their cadence? That's cold. And now the Bengals' offensive line has broken down.



Nantz: "They're moving the chains back." I didn't even see the Bengals challenge this but whatever. Fumble? No, that's not a fumble. Fumble! Now we've got a flag. That's CLOSE. Yeah, he broke the plane first — you can actually see it better on the reverse angle. As bad as Dalton's been that might do it.


Take heart, Bengals fans:


I mean, for whatever that's worth. No pun intended. (Browns 24, Bengals 3)

Signal Finder: PIT @ NYJ, DAL @ JAX (London), MIA @ DET (end), SF @ NO (OT), NYG @ SEA

Don't let Romo do anything and you'll win by two touchdowns. A field goal? After two big Murray plays? That... might get it done today, actually. Shoelace! Denard Robinson may legitimately be the Jaguars' best player. Gotta catch that punt, kid. Then the Jaguars spend too much time watching a clearly slowed Romo while Witten sneaks in behind them and sits down in the end zone. Dez just injured seven Jaguars on that touchdown. Can't turn the football over after big plays, Jaguars. Can't turn the football over after big plays, Cowboys. So if you're the Jags, you've got a minute or so left and one time out. You might as well try to score, right? Well that didn't work out so well. Wait, did Dez kill the Jaguars AGAIN? This game's over. Offensive holding in the end zone on a punt? Really? Is Goose wearing a porkpie? That's a size too small? Man, Romo and Murray should have been out of this game 35 minutes ago. And we should have been switched to Saints-49ers at about the same time. (Cowboys 31, Jaguars 17)





Wait... the Jets are up 10? And it's looked relatively easy? This Steelers defense clearly isn't good enough to pull out wins. That's old school Vick right there. Another touchdown!? Yo, Gannon, the Steelers weren't down 17 last week against the Ravens, either. It's not even close to the same situation.


It's hard to believe Jason Babin was ever good. How did Ben get out of that in time? This is a surprisingly methodical drive by the Steelers right now. Wait, what? This is the greatest day of Jaiquan Jarrett's life. Ever. I don't care if he's married or has kids. Nothing's topping this. And it's gonna stand. That probably could have been a flag for a hit on a defenseless Vick, as if this game wasn't already chippy enough. Wait... the Steelers challenged for a fumble and they should have won it?


And then Antonio Brown muffed the punt? Of course the Jets missed the field goal. They're the Jets. Are the Steelers gonna get this ball spiked? Just barely. Suisham from 53? I don't like it. Whoa, he made it.




That goal-line sequence by the Steelers... oof. Oh, an onside kick? That's the only thing that makes kicking the field goal acceptable. Offsides? They flagged Vick for that? I'd be mad too if I was Rex. Oh no. Really? There's still plenty of time for the Jets to blow this now. Nice onside kick, Suisham. Mike Mitchell just dove over the line of scrimmage into an ass-kicking, which is kind of the perfect metaphor. Also notable: THE CLEVELAND BROWNS ARE NOW IN FIRST PLACE. (Jets 20, Steelers 13)



And that was after Calvin had burned him for a touchdown earlier. Speaking of touchdowns, that last one. Stafford threw a LASER. A SIDEARM LASER. Who else does that? This review is taking entirely too long. (Lions 20, Dolphins 16)



GRAHAM!!! Pushed off. We're going to overtime. That's supreme embellishment by Cox (who was, in fact, pushed).

"Great job so far, gentlemen." Nobody's happy right now. Stay on your side, Niners. Punting on 4th and 2? I'm not sure I like this. There's a real absence of pass protection going on right now.



Fumble! 49ers have it! Dawson wins it. #23 on the 49ers is Shaun White. (49ers 27, Saints 24, OT)

Wilson gambled and lost on that one — the coverage was way too tight. Aikman's right that Eli needed a little more elevation on that pass to Donnell that was broken up. Touchdown Giants.
That's exactly how you beat Sherman — the double move. Beckham again?
The Giants are doing a bang-up job sealing the edge against Wilson. This drive is a grind.


Lynch just refuses to be tackled by one person. That's an awful throw by Wilson. Foles throws that pick and most of my fellow Eagles fans are putting him in front of a firing squad. This whole "the Giants don't have heart" thing... that's just not true. They just don't have a good enough roster. Sweet 60-yard floater, Russ. All 11 Giants were required to stop Lynch there.


Tip drill interception! That wasn't even Eli's fault, really, unless you don't like the throw. And on second glance, that throw was high and Beckham's not tall enough to catch it, which is how Sherman tipped it so easily. So it was Eli's fault. Forget I said this. Don't run it out- oh. Never mind, Earl.
Aikman with a five o'clock shadow? Not the best look, I have to say. Dude pushed Lockette right into the path of the ball. Wilson got REAL lucky there. Someone on the edge of the pile tried to pick it up and it slipped backwards out of his hands. It happened AGAIN? And Lynch makes the Giants pay for not capitalizing on good fortune. That's what, four? Christine Michael? AKA the guy who's going to be doing this full-time next year? He got down to the 1.

This time Wilson takes it in. The Giants should be embarrassed. When you're getting run on like this it usually means you're getting whipped up front, and that's what's happening here. The Seahawks, on the other hand, needed this one. (Seahawks 38, Giants 17)

I guess everybody can score for the Packers against the Bears in Lambeau. Did he just sign? Like, 15 minutes before kickoff? And there's Micah Hyde with the first of a lot of those. Who was that guy? Clay pounds Cutler into the dirt and we've got words being exchanged. I predict a fight tonight, by the way. Utterly blown coverage by the Bears secondary. But that's Jay Cutler's fault. Right. Did Nelson get both feet in? He did! This game's over.




Collinsworth eventually got around to the correct answer to Al's question. Hey, the Bears are in the red zone. How was no one flagged on that business with Jeffrey and Williams in the end zone? The Bears have to go for this on 4th down, right? That was damn near picked off. Rodgers with a 50-something yard screen pass to Lacy for another touchdown. No big deal.


Now the Bears are running reverses down 35 and that's not even working. Al: "We're not gonna flex out of the second half, are we?" Good Lord, not again. Cobb... fumbles? Yeah, he fumbled. Aaand the Bears give it right back. That's just cold, Peppers. OH NO. Insert Jim Ross Hell In A Cell commentary here. Give it up, Hurst. It's over.


And now on this punt a Bears gunner just hit a Packer in the face. Hey, a blocked punt. Let's add that to the ledger.




A field goal? I'm legitimately sad. Well there goes the shutout.


Really he's thinking, "Better you than me." Why the hell is McCarthy challenging this? Just so he can lose another one? Also, why is Cutler still in this game? Does Trestman think he has to get him killed to make a change? Now he's out here throwing up clay pigeons. That was a damn shot put. Hey, no flags! Take 20 dollars out of petty cash, 82. HOW ARE THERE STILL EIGHT MINUTES LEFT!?!?!?!? About damn time, Trestman. *crosses off Bears* (Packers 55, Bears 14)





The green jerseys HAVE RETURNED. Everyone calm down. Fumble? Fumble! Did Casey Matthews knock that ball out? Good for him. Two bad Sanchez throws later and it's field goal time. That's a bad throw by Cam and OH MY GOD CARY WILLIAMS WITH AN INTERCEPTION. Sanchez is getting plenty of time in the pocket so far. That was SO easy.


Matthews almost interfered with Olsen on that long pass, and maybe he should have. Gruden's talking about Newton's odd mechanics, which Rich Gannon tweeted about last week. Good play by Cam and Cotchery to beat the blitz. Touchdown Stewart. Cam almost didn't get that shuffle pass off... could have been a safety. SPROLES! Hard to believe he's never returned a punt for a touchdown until this year and now he has two. Just think, if the Saints hadn't given Jairus Byrd $9 million a year, they could have kept Sproles AND Jenkins for the same amount of cash. Gruden lamenting his own coaching career right now. This isn't going well for the Panthers. Things ARE going well for Jordan Matthews on this drive. Then the first commercial is Cam's PowerBeats spot that starts with him saying "They'll tell you to give up." Sanchez does seem to throw a harder ball than Foles. Don't get going for it on fourth down here. Of course, the Eagles are beating Cam up tonight.


How did Cam get that ball out? I mean, I guess I understand throwing deep on 4th and 1 — I'd make the Eagles' corners earn every penny tonight and every night — but you have to do a better job than that. A PICK SIX BY FLETCHER. THIS IS THE END TIMES.


Cam looks like he's in pain. Go home, Roman Harper. Just go home. Touchdown McCoy! About time. Glad to see Cox join the sack party — he's been creating havoc for everyone else this year.


It occurs to me that was the first time we've heard Luke Kuechly's name tonight. Good hustle by Olsen to recover the fumble, since he's been about the only Panther who's shown up tonight.


This is all Marty Hurney's fault, by the way. Why does Gruden have a Vitamix? Oh, they're talking about the sports science stuff.


There's still seven minutes left? My word. Oh, the Panthers are trying to come back. That's cute. Barkley time! And here comes the Obligatory Cheesesteak Debate.


I mean, anyone who's from here will tell you that there are about 40 places better than both Pat's and Geno's. At least they mentioned Tony Luke's, so praise be for that. (Eagles 45, Panthers 21)



RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Arizona (8-1) — But now they're back to Stanton for good
2. New England (7-2) — Will the open week cool them off?
3. Denver (7-2) — Continuing the assault
4. Philadelphia (7-2) — All right, let's do it

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-8) — Have similar problems as the Bears, if you think about it
30. Chicago (3-6) — Dick Butkus is turning over in his grave. Wait, what?
31. Jacksonville (1-9) — I feel like sending the Jags to England every year is one last middle finger from the Revolution
32. Oakland (0-9) — I'm running out of material

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Saturday, November 8, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Shift Left

So no one's going to score from the opponent's territory? Got it. Brees just fumbled off his own dude. Then the refs are looking for the ball and the Carolina guy's sitting there holding it up. I feel like Kelvin Benjamin's been a top-3 rookie this season. Maybe it's just because I've seen him so much already.



Feel free to lose the CBS portion of your graphics, NFL Network — that little dance ended last week. Dangerous throw by Newton. Still nothing. That was just a straight run by Newton. Why is that guy out on a pass pattern? It went right off his hands. I guess he's not used to having the ball come straight at him. Ben Watson's still alive? Cam almost threw another pick.




Hey, Jerry Richardson playing footage. Another fumble? Of course, now Cam's got it but they call it Saints ball. Yeah, there it is on the third replay — Curtis Lofton comes in at the very end and grabs it, it looks like. Ingram! Nantz and Simms are spending an awful lot of time on this clock issue that's going to be completely irrelevant. See? Let's look at this. Yeah that's interference. Graham! The Saints are hoping he's back. Cam is painfully inaccurate tonight. For some reason Olsen stopped and didn't put down a block or Cam probably would have scored. So we'll be looking at this, then. Yeah, that'll count. Not this time, Ingram. Or this one, either. Brees got it over. Crowd is MAD. Knee's down. This'll come back. And that ended up being a big reversal.


Graham abused everybody on this drive. I think he's recovered. And Ingram seals it. (Saints 28, Panthers 10)

 Signal Finder: PHI @ HOU, SD @ MIA, NYJ @ KC (end), WSH @ MIN (end), DEN @ NE


Cha-CHING. Wasn't that the same pattern as last week? Sacks on top of sacks. Moose just jinxed Foles. And good job not even trying to tackle him, rest of the offense. The Eagles' offensive line isn't playing great right now. And Foles might be legit hurt — he's going to the locker room. When did Brandon Graham stop sucking again? Jesus, this punt. Lechler may still be the best in that business. It's Sanchize time. NO REST FOR THE WEARY. Wait, what did Maclin even do there? Remember, Sanchez played well in preseason — it's not like he doesn't know the plays. Touchdown to Matthews and that's good placement.







That one was too high. Huff's only like 5-9. Fitzpatrick had tons of time and Foster sold the false route well. I mean the Eagles' offense has moved the ball despite the O-line's struggles. Chip's going for it? Hey, it worked! Jesus, Watt somehow came completely free. That shouldn't happen ever. The second kick was better than the first. Another high snap. And the handoff to McCoy was high, too. Sanchez got lucky on that one. Oh, God, not again. Fletcher completely lost Hopkins. He's running in the other direction.

Field goal is... no good? I think Chip didn't expect the running game to do as well as it has. Hey, a rushing touchdown. Can we get LeSean some of those? Foster is limping and pissed off. Sanchez has no idea what happened.


That's the second time Hopkins has come across the field and no one's covered him. OH COME ON. Ryans intercepts the pass, them fumbles it? There's no way that's a good sign. And now he's hurt. Hopkins and turnovers are the only reason the Texans are still in this game. Sure, run the ball, why not. The Texans can't stop it. Sanchez can't slide, either. Mercilus left with an injury earlier, and a lot of guys have gone off injured in this game. Chip's going for it again, seemingly showing more confidence in his short-yardage game than he has earlier in this season at times. I think Polk got it. BOB is challenging the spot and that's always dicey. Let's not be losing yards here. Maclin? Maclin! I wasn't sure until the replay that it was a clean catch but it was.


And that will seal that deal. Oh, apparently they run Houston. That's worth something, I guess. (Eagles 31, Texans 21)

Good Lord, what is happening in Miami? I mean, Tannehill is carving the Chargers up. This is unbelievable. Now it's 30-0. Not sure why we haven't been switched to Jaguars-Bengals yet. Does it have to get to the fourth quarter first? Oh, never mind. Wait... Jets-Chiefs? (Dolphins 37, Chargers 0)


And we switch just in time to see Vick get hurt and MATT SIMMS start warming up (because Geno hurt his shoulder in addition to being benched.) This is going about as well as you'd expect. Why/How is Vick back in? P.S. The Chiefs have rebounded nicely and are one or two wins away from becoming a factor again. (Chiefs 24, Jets 10)

Watching the CBS crew between games. First of all, why aren't they showing Jags-Bengals? Second, why would anyone think Brandon Weeden would be good today? He hasn't been good since college.

Why didn't Griffin run for it? (Vikings 29, Redskins 26)

"Phil, some final thoughts." "Well, Jim, I just hope my son's chest didn't get caved in on that blitz earlier." That's the story of Brandon LaFell's life, right there.


Yeah, but you're gonna need touchdowns, Phil. That ball hit the ground. That's probably pass interference. I mean, it's close. And why IS the Peyton-Brady game always in Foxboro(ugh)? The only regular season meeting I remember that wasn't here was in Indy the year Brady was hurt. Oh, wait, there was another one. The one where Belichick blew that 4th and 1 play and the Colts won on a last-minute Peyton drive. Simms thinks Ninkovich changed direction on Peyton — something clearly happened because he was the closest guy to that pass. The Broncos aren't even pretending they can stop Gronk. And that was before the holding penalty. HOW did Edelman catch that?
Wow. The Broncos punter drops the snap (and got lucky to even get it off) and Edelman brings it back to the house.


Hey, Sanders is back in the game. "Nobody gets outside to contain Peyton Manning" was a sentence that was just unironically uttered.


That's always a jarring sound when the ball bounces off an upright. They got that back pretty quickly. Good job. Are the Broncos going for it on 4th and 6? Well, he just missed from 41 and I've already said that field goals aren't going to win this game. Well, that was the worst possible outcome.


Now the Patriots are running the two-minute drill to near perfection. Edelman AGAIN. Look, we've all seen the Broncos' offense but this feels like it's over. Oh, hang on a second... that ball hit the ground? It sure did. Let's try again. Doesn't matter. That's a clean pick. Julius! We may have something here. MAY. Belichick somewhat curiously calls a middle screen on 4th and 5 from the Broncos' 37 and Vereen bails him out, if only temporarily. Welker got popped. He used to catch those.




Interdeflection. And the Patriots score IMMEDIATELY. That might be it. The Pats are giving Ronnie Hillman zero respect. He's getting pounded out there. Sometimes legally. Good Lord that Gronk one-handed catch.




I'd say Belichick's getting ornery in his old age but let's be honest with ourselves. Some things never actually change. (Patriots 43, Broncos 21)

 This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Seahawks 30, Raiders 24. The mystique is gone, man. Gone.

I'm ready for someone to die. This Steelers-Ravens on Sunday night montage is fantastic. Lots of punting and disillusionment so far. Jacoby Jones is still not bad at that particular thing.




He sure did. Something tells me Ben won't be throwing for 522 tonight. That screen to Steve Smith was... suboptimal. I mean, Polamalu had him lined up for a beatdown but still. I would not have picked Ben to be the guy with two 500-yard games. I know Aguilera's from Pittsburgh, but "Genie In A Bottle"? Yeesh. Was that three sacks in a row? Good Lord. Someone needs to be cut in-game for that.




That's a fumble. Wait, that happened to Ben before? The EAGLES did it? If it's the game I'm thinking of, that was just a weird game all around. Three flags on one play? All Harbaugh can say is "Wow."




Yeah, call some runs, take a load off. Whoa. Normally you don't see backs make catches like that. Wait. James Harrison just did a thing? In 2014? Is this the first Steelers game Collinsworth has seen this year? They run Archer out of the backfield all the time. And Bryant is SAFE. Collinsworth speaking truth about Steve Smith there. I have no trouble believing he outwrestles Terrell Suggs. None whatsoever. Oh man, Harrison got hurt in that pileup? And now it's 4th and 1. Flacco sneak works! Hey, a "Wind Direction" graphic. Stay innovating, SNF. I mean, Tucker's not missing this. Wheaton just beat that dude like a drum. Bad snap on the extra point... and the holder throws for two!




How is that not good unless he wasn't on the edge? Now it's getting chippy.
What are they looking at here? His knee wasn't down and that's clearly a forward pass.
That's a borderline dirty play by Suggs there on a guy who's been stopped by forward progress. And things are starting to get ugly. Are the refs handing out warnings? Sure seems like it. How did Suggs not get tossed for going over to the Steelers bench? EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.




Ben threw a strike to Brown, who ran across the field for the touchdown and that might do it. OR NOT. Remember when I said earlier that Jones was still kind of good at that? Nice hit by Ben to Bryant. OK. THAT should do it. Look, you can't both have it. Throwing it on 4th and 2 with a 12-point lead and two minutes left? That is some world-class trolling, Steelers. World. Class. (Steelers 43, Ravens 23)

That was a long way to go for no payoff, McConaghey. And how is he a Redskins fan from Texas? How did he stay alive? Chris Botti! An instrumental guy I've heard of! Eli scrambled up in the pocket and threw it to absolutely no one. It's really been a year and a half since the Giants have scored an opening drive touchdown? That seems impossible.




Coughlin was talking today or yesterday about how Luck just doesn't get sacked. Luck did what Eli just isn't capable of. 3rd and 15? Sure, run Peyton Hillis.




The Giants are determined to make life hard for Luck in the pocket. Lot of angry people going after that ball. Whelan ran right into his own man. Also "Griff Whelan" sounds like a lax bro. The Colts beat the replay flag! And nobody was anywhere near Fleener. Hillis? Hillis! And it ends in sadness. The Giants just don't have a good enough roster. Now Prince is out? DRC was already slowed by a bunch of things. Fleener? No. The officials discussed that and got it right that he was out of bounds. Now JPP's walking off? They're gonna have to get Strahan a uniform at this rate. You know who might not be all that good is Julius Randle. He just flat dropped that one.




The Giants haven't been bad defensively. And then... it appears whatever ails the receivers is contagious. I'm sure Steve Weatherford's loose. Holy hell T.Y. Hilton. DRC just got owned. Nice move, rook. Well that changes things. That's not grounding. Reggie Wayne's still got it, somewhat. Was that a fumble? I guess so. The Giants' defense seems to have been worn down... they're not getting enough help from the offense.




NOBODY covered Dwayne Allen. Fantastic play fake. This one seems finished. Ah geez, Richburg. Eli has the best hands on the Giants tonight. And that one didn't even count. (Colts 40, Giants 24)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Arizona (7-1) — Cardinals rising?
2. New England (7-2) — Holding the fort

3. Denver (6-2) — A predictable hiccup
4. Pittsburgh (6-3) — Late '70's version redux

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-7) — Pulling off that last drive was just too much to ask
30. Jacksonville (1-8) — At least Denard Robinson's doing well
31. N.Y. Jets (1-8) — So long, Rex
32. Oakland (0-8) — Put up a fight, at least
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Sunday, November 2, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Same Old, Same Old

I feel like we've been here before. Did Montee Ball get hurt and I don't remember it?




That was... ill-advised. Especially since Rivers hasn't missed many yet. Gates! Keenan Allen scored a touchdown! Stop the presses! This is an interesting call. Carey says fumble... and the on-field refs disagree. Oh well. That was damn near picked off. Jeez, make it any easier, why don't you. I don't know what they're looking at — that's a clean interception. I can read Philip Rivers  lips, and he is not praying. These audibles look panicked, Touchdown Broncos!  Or not? Good spot by either Nantz or whoever saw that. That was a quick review. Sanders again? Comparisons to Eric Decker (who he effectively replaced) keep popping up. The Other Brandon Marshall's been having a real hot stretch.
Floyd caught that! Wow. Allen needs longer cleats. That's at least the second time he's slipped. Good thing they picked that flag up or there would have been two questionable pass interference calls in the end zone on the same drive. Gates again! That felt like it took 36 plays. Don't run it out, Weddle. Jeez. And someone held anyway so it doesn't even count. This feels over — not that it matters but the Chargers have had no running game tonight. Until now, of course. GATES. They missed the field goal? Man, Rivers. Floyd was never open. Go somewhere else next time.




I think we can safely wrap this up. (Broncos 35, Chargers 21)


Tally-ho or something.

Really, any decision Ryan made at that point would have been a bad one — he just happened to choose the worst one. I mean, that was right out of the Book of Favre. On top of that, the Falcons have fumbled about eight times and somehow not lost a single one that I'm aware of. Lot of guys on this Lions offense you've never heard of. Theo Riddick? The Falcons aren't as close as they think they are. They still need about 10 more yards for a reasonable field goal attempt. And they get zero more yards. Splendid. Good punt, though. And in two plays the Lions are in Falcons territory. They're going to blow this, aren't they? DEFENSIVE HOLDING. Well, here we go. Seriously? He MISSED it? Oh, delay of game, which strangely helps the Lions here. And how does that even happen with the clock stopped? Also the snap was bad but really? IT'S GOOD. THE LIONS MADE A FIELD GOAL.




(Lions 22, Falcons 21)

 Signal Finder: SEA @ CAR, BAL @ CIN (end), PHI @ AZ

The Bears' defense has two good players on it, one of which blew out his knee celebrating a sack while down by 25 points. You can blame Jay Cutler for a lot of things, but this game is not one of them. (Patriots 51, Bears 23)


Newton didn't get that. And the spot is closer than I thought he got. They're going for it and I assume it's a Newton sneak. Yep and it's good. Benjamin needs to catch that. That goal-line sequence was... unproductive. What is Thomas Davis doing? Stop running! That was so obviously a pass. A bounce pass, but still a pass. This isn't a good idea either. And yet it worked! Bad snap, the line breaks down, and Newton still gets the first down. That fumble ruins another good Panthers drive. Fouts said it: Neither guy wanted to take the football. Here come the Seahawks? This is why getting so little out of those earlier drives hurts, especially against a team that's reeling. No one was anywhere near Kearse. Lynch lost yardage on that pass. Interception? Interception! Lynch has to catch that. Is he tanking? There have been some dumb turnovers in this game and that's another one.




Wilson just threw a knuckleball that was almost caught. Willson didn't catch that? Oh, Kuechly hit him and knocked the ball out. Lynch has been the worst of Seattle's running backs today — Turbin's completely outplayed him in every aspect. That's another blown quarterback-running back exchange. And that's a bad snap and it's Panthers ball. This game has been terrible. Sherman was back on the punt return? That's some desperation right there. Man, a safety deciding this would have been SO appropriate. BENJAMIN!! And yet again no one can get into the end zone. Russ has this look on his face like "I'm going to have to do this myself again, aren't I?" OH MY GOD A TOUCHDOWN. Harper's hit knocked Willson into the end zone. Another sack! That's it., right? Who called THAT play? (Seahawks 13, Panthers 9)

Oh, Andy Dalton. You're so confounding. That's pretty blatant OPI. A screen pass on 4th and 20, Ravens? That's the same play the Panthers called on 4th and 25. And we all saw how well that worked out. (Bengals 27, Ravens 24)




How in God's name were the Jets favored? I mean, they were only favored by three and odds include a three-point advantage for the home team but they should have been a 12-point dog. Vegas doesn't know everything, people. (Bills 43, Jets 23)

Roof is CLOSED. Is this game in slow motion? The Cardinals are already burning time outs? Myers: "The officials, so far, have been the stars of this game." Well they're the only ones who've done anything. Don't jump. Don't jump. Christ. Wait, that one was on the Cardinals? Why are they punting? You're indoors! That's a big break for the Eagles. Foles beat the blitz and Matthews only had one guy to worry about. Good throw there. Sounds like there's some Eagles fans in the house. I've noticed that Foles always rolls left. The Eagles stay running screens like bosses. Maclin is the anti-DeSean in many ways, including touchdown celebration dances.




And once again, the Eagles can't cover Larry Fitzgerald. This'll be an interesting spot. The Cardinals are going for it because I guess they figure they'll need touchdowns. Got it. And once again, the Eagles can't cover Larry Fitzgerald. Matthews dropped that — it'll be incomplete. Not a particularly effective hold by Peterson. A defense with that guy on it should be better against the pass than this. The hell just happened?





And now the Cardinals are at midfield because no one saw the ball and Cole got flagged for roughing the passer.



I see you, Cooper. What's this challenge now? Also, that's a weak roughing the passer on the Honey Badger. I mean, Foles didn't even bother selling it, that's how bad it was. Now the Cardinals are out of challenges. Oh dear. Bucannon got Maclin with his helmet (which is why it flew off). They're still down. Hey, Foles rolled left. The Cardinals are blitzing like crazy now, and with Cromartie going off, it may continue. Earl Wolff just got steamrolled on that kickoff. I'm... I'm not even surprised any more. The pick wouldn't have mattered. Fitzgerald has made his career on tearing the Eagles to shreds. Does McCoy ever run straight ahead? This has been a strange series. It's gone from bad calls to bad non-calls. Parkey from 54? Good!




That touchdown to Maclin was pretty much perfection. Foles bought time and dropped it in the bucket. The interception, on the other hand... The Cardinals' goal-to-go offense looks like the Eagles'. So. Many. Penalties. Does this play calling seem odd to anyone else? I'm surprised they haven't tried play action here. NOW what do you do? And they've got the whole two-minute warning to think about it. They're kicking the field goal. OK. What.. What.. How? HOW?!?!?! HOW DO YOU LET THAT HAPPEN MY GOD THIS SECONDARY IS THE HOTTEST GARBAGE. Barber: "I don't know how that happened." I'll tell you how it happened, Ronde: You could put on an Eagles jersey right now and you'd be their best defensive back. Always the Cardinals. ALWAYS the Cardinals. YOU HAD ONE JOB. ONE FREAKING JOB.




I don't even care about this last drive because it's not going to work BECAUSE THE FOOTBALL CARDINALS HAVE THE SAME DEVIL MAGIC THE BASEBALL CARDINALS DO, BUT IT ONLY WORKS ON THE EAGLES. (Cardinals 24, Eagles 20)

DAMN YOU PRISON JERSEYS. DAMN YOU. The Steelers' offense isn't the Bengals'. Luck had been red hot but that was a bad pass. That, on the other hand, was a good one. No. 10 got lost in the coverage. The touchdown to Allen was a bullet. That throw to Bryant was so telegraphed and yet so perfect at the same time. Encroachment on a field goal? That's... not good. Pagano is furious.  How did Brown get his hands on that ball to catch it? Phil Sims called Greg Toler one-half of the best cornerback tandem in the NFL, proof that jet lag is real. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger has been a machine this half. Of course, this also means Luck has them right where he wants them. Hilton spun away and got open at the last second. I mean, the Colts might want to find someone who can cover Brown. Also, the Steelers might want to find someone who can cover Hilton. If Luck had gone right he might have made it. That first half was a bum rush. It keeps going! This Martavis Bryant needs to be the Steelers' No. 2 guy ASAP. Hey, Bradshaw scored on an actual run. Who is Donte Moncrief? How did the NBA Live NPCs get into this game? Also I should point out here that the Colts have made this a one-score game and I told you Luck had them right where he wanted them. That flag was in the end zone, wasn't it? What a buzzkill. Roethlisberger just hornswaggled the Colts defense. (Steelers 51, Colts 34)


Did Corey White wear that hat indoors? THAT didn't take long. I don't like the Saints' chances tonight — the only game their defense hasn't been pathetic in was the Vikings win after the Adrian Peterson thing broke. I've said before that commercial bumpers for games in New Orleans should be nothing but street musicians. Brandin Cooks! The Saints have been waiting for that kid. And Eddie Lacy comes right back with a 67-yarder. Packers got a little too tricky with that pass to Peppers. Well that completely backfired.






An onside kick? The hell is McCarthy doing? Hey, good job covering Colston. This may be Colts-Steelers but closer. "These defenses aren't too bad either." No, Cris, they're terrible. Field goals? Come on, guys. Hey a Jimmy Graham sighting! Ingram got smoked. Of course, the Saints were in that no-man's land where you don't love any of your 4th and short options. Rodgers is unhappy about something. Oh, he grabbed his leg. Interception off of a deflection. Now it's the Packers' turn to give up a bunch of big plays. Rodgers probably wishes that series had lasted longer.




The Packers are going to go for this? I mean, it worked earlier. Not even close. Graham!  That felt inevitable. Another forward progress deal? OK. This looks like the end. Rodgers weirdly walked in to the end zone there. You don't often see two terrible onside kicks in the same game but this is where we are. I mean, that one went BACKWARDS. Ingram's run ices it. I didn't think the Packers' defense would end up being the worst one on the field tonight but you can't predict this stuff. (Saints 44, Packers 23)

I'm always up for a good instrumental anthem. Especially after... last night. Harris ran into his own man on that punt return. Wait, now what? I understand nothing.




Hey, there's DeSean beating a Cowboys defensive back. That's never happened before. Unsportsmanlike conduct for that? That seems like a misapplication of the term.




Jesus, Tony, snap the damn ball. And they still didn't pick up the blitz. And Murray's left completely uncovered. Good job, everyone. /sarcasm Dez just fought three guys to score that touchdown. They need to pay that dude. Lot of interesting interpretations of the rules going on here tonight. Any reason DeSean's not getting flagged here? Oh, they both did. I only saw the tail end of that. Those Morris stats with or without Griffin do say something also. Didn't seem to bother him there, though. This has been a surprisingly low-scoring game. Romo almost got victimized by a knockdown there. He just took a SHOT. He's down. Took a knee to the back. That was actually good for the Cowboys that that wasn't a fumble... it may buy them a little time. But not that much.






It's Brandon Weeden time. And that is ALL he needs to do.




That's good coverage by that kid twice on Dez. The Cowboys can't tackle. We've seen far too much of Colt McCoy's parents tonight. Quarterback draw for a touchdown!





That fumble's on Weeden. Nice screen. Real nice. Someone got a sweet block downfield. Hey, nice coverage on Witten, Redskins! One thing I've noticed tonight is McCoy hasn't hit Jackson in stride once. Romo's back in the game? At his own 3? This is moronic.





This has to end with a pick, right? That works, too. Wait, the Cowboys got it back? They can now review this and they're finally going to after 15 seconds ran off the clock. And how was that not intercepted??? They're running out of time, though. "Dork Elvis?" Romo gets cadence calls from Bill Simmons nicknames? That's intentional grounding. I'd have had DeSean back there to return that punt but that's me. Overtime. Excellent catch on the sideline by Jordan Reed. The Redskins have moved the ball on this drive. There's the field goal.




The Cowboys have looked utterly discombobulated since Romo came back in. They deserved this loss.


Also, somebody won a bet. (Redskins 20, Cowboys 17, OT)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Denver (6-1) — It's an easy game, this football
2. Arizona (6-1) — When you've got it, you've got it
3. New England (6-2) — Oh shit, son...
4. Dallas (6-2) — Dr. Jones in the house?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-6) — Just gave up on a former top-10 pick
30. Jacksonville (1-7) — Well that was short-lived
31. N.Y. Jets (1-7) — So long, Geno
32. Oakland (0-7) — At least Derek Carr isn't terrible
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