By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Rocks of Gibraltar

That was quick and possibly way too easy. Did somebody fall down there? What happened to the game? Oh, our cable and Internet are out. Let's go the highlights. The Vikings' receivers are struggling. Things just seem off. I mean, usually the defenses start out ahead of the offenses in preseason, but the gap's not usually this large by Week 1. Maybe it's the shorter week. This sure isn't last year. Not yet, anyway. (Saints 14, Vikings 9)

Signal Finder: CAR @ NYG, CIN @ NE, MIA @ BUF (end), GB @ PHI, AZ @ STL (end)

Arian Foster? Really? (More on him later.) I'm not sure if this represents a shift or not yet. Get back to me when the season's over. But even by itself, this was massive. (Texans 34, Colts 24)

It looks... pretty much the same. First observation: FOX's new score ticker is way too small.
Matt Moore, ladies and gentlemen... Matt Moore. Stay down, Grant. Stay down! That's a key reversal. Nice catch by Nicks. Did the Giants inherit the Steelers' kick-coverage units from last year? There's another big kickoff return by Carolina. That wasn't an easy throw by Moore so I'll give him credit for that. The Giants' punter is struggling. If I've told you once, Eli, I've told you a thousand times: You didn't get that contract with your feet. That sneak was about as bad as the one in the Eagles playoff game. Try covering The Original Steve Smith please. I mean, it's just not a good situation when your second-leading receiver is your third-string running back. Wait, do they really have a Scott Norwood jersey on display in the Legends Club? That is COLD. Seriously, it's like Jake Delhomme never left. (Giants 31, Panthers 18)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Buccaneers 17, Browns 14

Here's the worst thing about the blown call at the end of the Lions-Bears game: Even if you go by the rule they cited, Johnson had already completed the catch. The rule doesn't need to be changed, just applied properly, which it wasn't in this case. Poor Matthew Stafford. (Bears 19, Lions 14)

Hey, a Wes Welker sighting! *applauds respectfully* The Bengals have a good defense and the Patriots are cutting it up like it's nothing. Oh, it's starting to get ugly in all phases now. No on e was even close to tackling Guyton on that interception return. Well, Cincy's trying to make a game of it. I guess the Patriots scored again because I'm now watching Dolphins-Bills. (Patriots 38, Bengals 24)

Ah, same old Raiders. (Titans 38, Raiders 13)

Apparently Reid's calling the Packers' offensive plays also. I like these uniforms. You can actually tell they're green. These offenses look sluggish. Oh my God. Friends, the human knee is not meant to bend in that direction. I gotta go back to Napoleon McCallum to find one that bad. The Eagles' blitz pickups have been awful so far - Clay Matthews is wrecking people like Lawrence Taylor in his prime. Like... right there. Ouch. Are the Packers actually gonna try this? 56 yards! Props. CONTINUING TREND: The Eagles giving up points just before the half. A concussion for Kolb? What, did they screw up the first diagnosis? Because I saw that hit and he went back out after they said it was his jaw. Ah, well. Let's see what Vick can do. That's a good start. Shame the Eagles have given up 20 unanswered points, which has also caused the running game to grind to a halt, along with Weaver's absence. Why's Brandon Jackson getting all this run? Not a good throw by Rodgers on the Allen interception. I'm tempted to think Reid should have waited until the five-minute mark to start using his time outs but it's not his worst clock-management performance ever. Well that was telegraphed. This result was expected. The path taken was disturbing. Dad: "WHO IS THE QB NEXT WEEK?" Me: "God only knows." (Packers 27, Eagles 20)

The fact that the Redskins are wearing the burgundy jerseys, which happens twice a year tops, makes this look even stranger than it already would have. I find it strange that NBC would choose to show us the first meeting between these teams last season... oh, wait, it's not? Are you sure? Bigger news than the idea that the Redskins don't have anyone who can cover Miles Austin is that the Cowboys don't seem to have anyone who can cover anyone - Santana Moss has been running wild out there. Well, as much as one can run wild in a 3-0 game. Why aren't they just taking a knee here? WHAT WAS THAT. Phillips, to Andrea Kremer: "You gotta just take a knee there." Aren't you the head coach? Can't you tell them to take a knee? On a related note, has anyone's coaching star fallen as far as fast as Jason Garrett's? I will say I'm enjoying Andre Gurode's Long-Awaited Revenge. OK, we've established that you don't have anyone who can cover Austin, but you could at least try. Wow, Roy caught a pass! A flag? HOLDING? Dear Lord that's fantastic. And just think, Doug Free was the Cowboys offensive lineman everyone was concerned about. (Redskins 13, Cowboys 7)

There's been a lot of this this weekend. We'll just wait a bit. Yep, still looks the same as it did yesterday. Most of the time, new/renovated football stadiums don't usually have the same "wow" factor on TV or in person like baseball stadiums do, probably because you can play around more in baseball with walls and field dimensions and architecture and all that. Nick Folk found work? I'm stunned. Wait, wasn't the field goal unit on just now? Did Cundiff miss another one? Ohhhhhh. The Jets ran into the kicker. And it was like fourth and 1 so it's a first down and Harbaugh took the points off the board. It would help Sanchez a lot more if Shonn Greene could hold on to the ball. We've got a defensive struggle on our hands, people, and we shouldn't be too surprised by that. What we should be surprised about is how bad the Jets' defense has been on third downs. It doesn't seem like Flacco's thrown 33 passes. Wait, what? Did Ray Lewis hit Dustin Keller so hard that he forgot how to count to ten? Ray Rice: "HBO is not going to win the Super Bowl." (Ravens 10, Jets 9)

How'd the Chiefs score this spot? The Jamaal Charles run shows you something they just didn't have last year. Remember last year when I was astounded by how slow the Chiefs were? With Charles, Arenas and McClusker in key skill/speed spots, that's not the case anymore. In the future, the Chargers might want to try kicking away from the kids. They look disjointed and Rivers is furious. Is this happening? Some horrible tackling on the big pass to Floyd. There were three Chiefs covering Gates on the final play. I think they miss Vincent Jackson. I also think it's September and things like this happens to the Chargers in September. (Chiefs 21, Chargers 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (0-1, L1): So, yeah... I left Arian Foster on my bench. And yet I was only down by seven going into the Monday night doubleheader. I'm not sure if that says more about my team or more about the Special Crocs. I ended up losing by 14.

JackSux 7 (0-1, L1): A good effort against Dupin. Just not good enough.