Thursday, April 27, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Bowl of Superlatives

Roof is CLOSED. Wait, who's singing the anthem? Oh, Luke Bryan. OK.
America the Beautiful AND the anthem? Isn't this a bit much? "...And sisterhood." Well all right. Not too shabby, Luke.

I'd forgotten Ghost in the Shell was even happening. Are we actually kicking off on time? No, of course not. The eldest Bushes are both here to flip the coin and have gotten the biggest pop of the night so far. Falcons win the toss and defer.


Dan Quinn has coached in three of the last four Super Bowls. Let's go!! Touchback.

I see Chris Hogan's deal with the devil hasn't expired yet. Lot of sacks so far. We're really going ot have a scoreless first quarter. Wouldn't have made that call.

Well done, World of Tanks. Well done.

Fumble! Falcons have it.


Sure, but then they can just hand it to Freeman. Touchdown Freeman! That was at least a 10-point swing there.

Patriots go three-and-out. Falcons changing things up with who they target now as Gabriel and Hooper get throws. Touchdown Falcons!


Reminder that the largest deficit overcome in a Super Bowl is 10 points.


Febreze!

MORE HOLDING. This is ridiculous. Hey, an earned first down by the Patriots for once. Martellus Bennett is Very Important right now. Interception! TOUCHDOWN!!! Brady was the only chance and you knew he wasn't stopping Alford. 21-0.





John Malkovich is ANGRY, y'all.

James White with a badly-needed big gain. Then he converts a third down. Edelman dropping that pass actually helps the Pats. Offensive holding? So much for being inside the 5. Who called this trash?




Field goal is good, but it seems empty. 21-3 Falcons (!) at halftime.




Alfa Romeo? Really? Roof is opening for Gaga, who also just had a Tiffany's spot that was good.






My God. Is she on the roof or was this part pre-recorded? (It's 50-50 with her, if we're being honest.) Nope. SHE WAS ON THE ROOF. Starting with "Poker Face" because sure. This is oddly low-key for a Gaga performance. But there's still time. A KEYTAR?!?! "Hey, Dad. Hi, Mom." She has to do "Applause", right? "Bad Romance"! That was a quick outfit change. OK, here's the Gaga we know and love and sometimes also fear.


THANK YOU, WIL. I spent that whole sequence trying to figure out why those things looked familiar. Did she just jump through the floor?



That baby commercial was TERRIFYING. A Monmouth University spot? It's been an hour since the Falcons' offense was last on the field. What does that mean? Let's find out. Three and out. Good punt return by Edelman.


Extremely.

We come back to see that Quinn challenged... something. They say Edelman stepped out of bounds sooner, for a net gain of eight yards. Two missed catches on that drive and the Patriots also go three and out. And here's THE Busch spot. Meanwhile, the Martha Stewart-Snoop friendship is the romance for our times. Mack doesn't look like he's playing with a broken leg.


I know I've already asked this, but how the hell did Taylor Gabriel get away from the Browns? Coleman, then Freeman. Patriots swallowed that one. COLEMAN! Jebus. Nobody had this.





Pretty good weekend for Melissa McCarthy. A Stranger Things 2 promo? That came out of nowhere.

Celebrity crawl! Mark Walhberg's looked happier. VP Pence in the house. James Baker's still alive? Good for him.





Saw that WR pass coming, but Lewis couldn't haul it in. Aikman's right; the Patriots are just trying things. Gotta go for this. Amendola picks it up. You know it's desperate times when Brady takes off for a "run." Well this is a problem. Freeney's and Bennett's helmets are stuck together. White slips under a tackle for a touchdown. Extra point MISSED.


Onside kick? Falcons get it, but it may have touched a Patriot anyway.



So the Baywatch movie's gonna be a comedy? I think I can get on board with that.

Patriots still trying things. What's happened to their pass protection? This Falcons defense has stiffened down here. It's a very young group that's coached by a guy who knows defense. That kills any thoughts of going for it on 4th.


Field goal is good. 28-12. The GHOST OF SPUDS McKENZIE?!? Fumble! Patriots ball! Don't know why the Falcons were passing on 3rd and 1 with a 16-point lead, though. Freeney still getting things done. Mitchell converts 3rd and 13. Touchdown Amendola! (There's that stolen possession Barnwell said the Pats needed earlier.) High snap? No! Direct snap and White converts. 28-20. Nice coverage on Freeman, guys. JONES! I might challenge — no. That was amazing.


Oh, that's a bad sack to take there. Followed by offensive holding, which makes things worse. 3RD AND 33. Nothing. That turned disastrous in a hurry.


That was damn near a safety. Brady's been under siege for a surprising amount of this game. Edelman? EDELMAN!!! That's insane. Falcons challenge and will lose.






Buck calls back to the Tyree catch (and also mentions the missed interception by Asante Samuel before that that everyone forgets about.) Now Amendola with a big play. This is what they do. James White, three times. Touchdown. Amendola converts, Falcons were offside, tie game. TIE. GAME. What a horrible turn of events.




Falcons get the ball back and look to have resigned themselves to overtime, as they have no time outs somehow on top of everything else. Dion Lewis just blew out his knee for — nothing, really. Overtime. This game is in overtime.

Patriots win the toss and this game is probably over. That 18-play drive in the third quarter gassed the Falcons' defense. White again. Edelman.
That's pass interference and this game's over. Horrible. Touchdown White and that's it.















And now, for the only enjoyable part of this scenario: The trophy presentation. Strahan's thinking, "Yeah, but I got one off y'all." Goodell getting booed back to New York.


SO. MUCH. SHADE from Kraft right now. You'll notice Goodell got the hell out of there as soon as reasonably acceptable.

Nice shot of Howie and Chris Long (with Chris's kid, to boot!).

This. This, though. This was...

Look. I hate the Patriots. I hate their smug arrogance. I hate that they flaunt the rules. I hate that they're better than you without flaunting the rules. I hate that they seem to get every single break imaginable. But Tom Brady became the all-timer tonight because he did something that had never been done in the Super Bowl. He has five rings. He should probably have at least six.

And the Falcons. I mean, and Atlanta. This was every great playoff game Dominique Wilkins had that wasn't good enough. This was every lead the Braves' bullpen blew in the 1990s (and they won a title!) This was Man of the Year Eugene Robinson getting popped for solicitation the night before Super Bowl XXXIII. This was the latest incredible disappointment for a city that already has a bad reputation for pro sports fandom as well as a long string of near misses. This... many not be recoverable.

This was unbelievable.



Amen, Ms. Knight. Amen.

(Patriots 34, Falcons 28, OT)

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Wednesday, February 15, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Conference Titles: Lock 'Em Up

Seriously, why are we already closing the Georgia Dome too, Atlanta? It’s barely been 20 years.


The Packers might not have any defensive backs left. What is this chant? That’s very close to a first down. Oh, they gave it to him. I mean, not seeing the fullback isn’t that surprising. Another third down converted. I think the Falcons have used everyone on this drive. Sanu almost dropped that pitch but it’s a touchdown nonetheless. Nelson starts for the Packers.


I don’t understand that time out. You know who’s good is Deion Jones. Crosby MISSES.


Everyone’s hurt on January 22. Gabriel, then Sanu. Falcons spreading the ball around. Direct snap to Sanu now. Someone tell Kyle Shanahan to stop showing off — he’s already got the job. Packers are lucky to only give up a field goal.


Apparently Atlanta teams have strict 25-year mortgages. Goodell in the house! Because he CERTAINLY isn’t going to Foxboro(ugh). Cobb! Montgomery limping off? Uh-oh. More fullback action. Fumble! Falcons ball! Is this a touchback? Because smart job by Collins rolling into the end zone if it is.


Wait, is that not legal? Apparently it’s a touchback. Let’s see this. I guess it’s fine.


The Packers can’t cover Julio Jones. 51 years of Falcons football. Steve Bartkowski’s hair, though.


Alex Mack’s down? That’s not good. But he only misses one play, which is good. Might want to put a man on No. 11, Packers. MATT RYAN JUST RAN 12 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN.


Shouldn’t the Packers have gone for it here? They’re down 17-0 and it’s not really “early” any more.


Falcons got lucky to keep that ball after the fumble on whatever that was. Hey, a stop! Packers not doing a lot right on offense or defense. Rodgers just got taken down by the toe of his shoe. Then he throws a bomb that gets intercepted. It’s basically a punt but it’s not. Then Ryan throws up a bomb (and gets hit) and nobody can come up with it. Gabriel with a nice catch for a first down on third and 10. Freeman! Ryan running again. Touchdown Jones! Not sure why the official took so long to make the call, since he nodded his head immediately. 24-0 at the half. Who had this?






Not a good series for Jared Cook. JONES!! Nice hold by Gunter on the guy who scored a 73-yard touchdown. I know the Falcons are also getting pressure on Rodgers but the Packers can’t call any more running plays. Lot of Cook on this drive. Aikman noticing Rodgers’ unusually poor accuracy. Even the touchdown to Adams was low. Also, I’m not sure why they kicked the extra point. What the hell is going on here? Delay of game on the KICKOFF? Christ. GOOD LORD THAT CATCH BY JONES. Got hit with Total Elimination and still held on. Ryan wants the short route but goes deep and gets a pass interference flag in the end zone. Jump ball between Freeman and Burnett. It’s ruled Falcons ball at about the 1-foot line and the Falcons challenge.


Touchdown! They said the ball was over the plane after all. I still want to know how the new place isn’t named Home Depot Stadium. Rodgers with the Packers’ biggest play of the day… a run. Lang is still down. Interception? No, it's not, actually. Rodgers runs for it on fourth and 2. Touchdown and the over is still in play. THERE’S STILL A QUARTER TO GO. More Jones. Touchdown Coleman.
Quinn isn’t challenging this because it’d be petty to do so. (McCarthy would, and would somehow lose.) Aikman notes the lack of urgency with the Packers and I’d be wanting to get out of here as soon as possible. Nice flop by Alford after Rodgers brushed past him. Also, that may be the first time I’ve ever seen a face mask penalty on a quarterback. Touchdown Packers, if you’re still wondering. There’s still 6:45 left.


Yeah, better just punt this. Rodgers out.


I also just realized we’ve got Clay Matthews and cousin Jake in this game. Little early for the Gatorade shower, isn’t it? That description of Dan Quinn makes him sound like the Pete Carroll disciple he is.


(Falcons 44, Packers 21)



SHAAAAAAAADE. They dug up Edwin McCain for this? This a Trump rally? That was good but I’ll almost always prefer instrumentals these days. Edelman jumping over people. Field goal is… good? OK. That looked dicey off his foot. Roethlisberger misses Coates and that’s a play you can’t afford to miss up here. Steelers get a stop of their own. Butler almost intercepted that but Brown may have prevented it by himself.


Look at Chris Hogan getting all this run. This shouldn't be surprising anymore — the Patriots love to take guys you've never given a second thought and turn them into people who matter. Especially from division rivals. Touchdown Hogan. Bell hobbling off? That could be a problem. They got help from everyone else on this touchdown drive, and they may need more of that. More Hogan. Flea flicker! Touchdown!




The Steelers don't need to go for a big play here but it'd be good for them to get one. As it is, they're working their way down the field pretty well. Touchdown Steelers. Or… not?


No. This’ll get overturned. And now the Steelers can’t get into the end zone. Hell of a stop by the Patriots. NO first-half penalties? Kudos to all involved.

Brady sneak gets it. Fumble? The Steelers think so but the refs disagree. This is a bad challenge. I’m not sure what’s happening. Mitchell can’t get both feet inbounds. Field goal is good. 20-9. We’re really seeing Bell’s absence hurt the Steelers. That’s pass interference by Chung. Why are the Steelers punting?


Two bad decisions by Tomlin here in the last few minutes. Someone left 46 uncovered. Jesus, Blount. He fought all of those guys. Then he finishes it off and this game feels like it’s over. Did Rogers catch that? Yep, which makes it a fumble and now this game is probably over. Edelman somehow ends up completely open in the end zone and now this game is over. Get that man a handkerchief. My God.
The Steelers can’t even score touchdowns correctly any more. Fourth down and… no. And there’s an interception. THERE’S STILL TEN MINUTES LEFT. Steelers hold them to a field goal like it matters. Garoppolo ought to get some run here at the end. He won two starts!




When’s the last time the Steelers scored a touchdown? Oh, there’s one. Finally.


Nantz giving us updates on the elder Bushes shows you how far gone this game is.




Bob Kraft is TURNT, y’all. (Patriots 36, Steelers 17)

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Thursday, February 9, 2017

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Divisional Playoffs: Frozen Punches

Seriously, MORE INSTRUMENTAL NATIONAL ANTHEMS. Running Russ is back. Baldwin goes high to convert third and 7. Beasley made a huge jump from his rookie year to Year Two. Who is McKissock? I know who Graham is, and he knows where the end zone is.


And there’s Julio Jones, doing what Julio Jones does. Both offenses are moving at great speed so far. It’s the second quarter already?
Touchdown Jones on a quick slant that was run to perfection. Devin Hester back? Wait, what? What’s this flag? So it’s against the Falcons, so it’s a touchdown. Oh, the defender touched him, though. Down at the 22. Someone forgot to block Brooks Reed. Wilson misses Baldwin and it’s field goal time. Then the Seahawks catch another temporary break when that completion was overturned. Devin Hester back! There’s a flag, of course.
And a 79-yard runback gets deep-sixed for holding. The Falcons got an offensive lineman on the D-line? SAFETY! And he's going to get credit for it! God, this Seahawks offensive line is trash. How do you get beat by one of your own? “C’mon, man,” —Jon Ryan, probably, after whatever that was.
It’s 12-10 Falcons. It should be 17-7 Seahawks. It COULD have been 16-10 Falcons. Nuts.
That’s a hell of a punt. I’m not sure this Seahawks defense can contain Julio Jones. And that frees up so many other things, like Tevin Coleman coming out of the backfield for a touchdown. 19-10 Falcons.


Seahawks content to sit on the ball? OK. Shead’s hurt, which doesn’t help the Seahawks secondary. Both Coleman and Freeman running through gaping holes. Now Bennett’s down, and that could really pose a problem. Freeman again? Nope, knee’s down and he’s still got the ball. Bennett back in, and Freeman scores after getting tripped up. Beasley with the stuff on third and 2. Someone lined up wrong on the punt? Wow. First down Seahawks on a drive that was over. Nice job by Wilson to find Alex Collins on that flip pass. Lynch is right — they probably need a touchdown here. They won’t get it, and that seemed to take more time than you’d like. Freeman! They beat the blitz and Earl Thomas isn’t there to clean up the mess. This Terrell kid’s getting roasted. Ryan could’ve run that himself. Third quarter in the books. Field goal is good. Wilson overthrows Baldwin, who had a linebacker on him for some reason. Then he runs on third down and takes a hit, ending this drive. That should have been intercepted. Meanwhile, this is a catch and I don’t know what the refs were looking at. This isn’t really the time for the Seahawks to be throwing flat patterns to their backup running back.


Wilson running is a little better. That’s a big sack, potentially a game-ender, because the Seahawks have to get a touchdown on this drive. Interception! And a big return on top of it. Wilson had to escape too much pressure and he threw up a duck. That’s some power running by the tight end after the catch. Those rushing stats for Freeman and Coleman don’t even tell half of the story of what Lynch is talking about. The Falcons are running the four-minute offense with eight minutes left. Touchdown Sanu and that’s game. HESTER!!!! Baldwin! Touchdown Seahawks, but was it too late? They’ve mentioned that this may be the last game in the Georgia Dome about six times. Wait, Richardson CAUGHT that? No, it doesn’t look like he did, actually. Whoa! That ball was tipped three times before Jones came up with the pick. We’re done here. (Falcons 36, Seahawks 20)

This probably won’t go well.


Christ. Lewis SPED UP at midfield. SPED. UP. Wait, Brady threw a pick? What? The Texans aren’t doing a god job of trying to capitalize on this. A run on third and 16? (It almost worked.) Field goal makes it 14-6 Pats. That ball’s out. Texans recover! Touchdown! Uncharacteristic Patriots mistakes are really the Texans’ best shot here. Brady scrambles into a sack.


Both Hogan and the defender lost track of that ball at the same time, but Hogan found it first. That Mercilus sack may have forced a punt. Yep. Brady’s protection has been somewhat lacking tonight.


Edelman! Pretty sure he pushed off but there you go. Brady ran there because there was nowhere to throw, and he almost paid dearly for it. Blount gets denied at the 1-yard line, and that’s a big stop as the field goal unit comes on. How does that second-half opening drive by the Patriots yield nothing? What’s happening out here? The Texans REALLY can’t afford three-and-outs. Hogan again for the Pats. Touchdown James White and this is starting to look like we expected. And that Osweiler interception definitely looks like what we expected. Brady’s not happy about that hit, but he needs to be mad at his line.


OPI on Floyd. Fourth and 20 and the Pats down their own punt at the 2. Running may be the best thing Osweiler can do here. Suddenly the Texans are at the 45. Wait, they called that a fumble? What’s going on down there? Ah, they changed it. Fuller just dropped a touchdown. ANOTHER interception. Lot of traffic down there. He only threw two all year!


Field goal is good. Brady’s been hit a lot tonight. Interception. How did that not hit the ground? Not a good read by Brock. What’s coming up off the surface? Did they leave the roof open in the rain or something? Touchdown Lewis, his third of the night. Lechler was drafted before Brady. Jesus. We’ve got two guys down on this play. Field goal is good and that seems like the end. That’s only the second time Osweiler’s gone deep tonight, and the first time actually turned out better than that one. Godspeed, Vince Wilfork? (Patriots 34, Texans 16)

JerryWorld crowds usually aren’t this loud. Playoffs! Packers win the toss and defer. All passes so far. Safety blitz? That’s why you run sometimes.


The Packers can’t afford to lose any more DBs. I’m slightly surprised they’re kicking this. I don’t want to put Aaron Rodgers on the field any sooner than absolutely necessary. How does he ALWAYS manage to do that?


Montgomery runs, which Buck points out the Cowboys didn’t see the first time. RODGERS FREE PLAY TOUCHDOWN. It’s practically a trope at this point. Wait, what happened? Guy came into the huddle and then left? Seems strange to call it unsportsmanlike conduct, but it’s against the rules.


Rodgers stays making plays. Church on the sideline with what appears to be contact lens issues. Scandrick gets away with an egregious hold on Adams, who gets revenge on the next play for a big gain. Montgomery scores and the Cowboys’ defense has gotten them in trouble. Prescott hits Williams in the chest. No catch. Meanwhile, T.J. Lang’s helmet straight-up broke and they’re still fixing it. GERONIMO. Adams? Nope, out at the 1, they say. And he is. Thanks, Pylon Cam. Montgomery finishes it off. Bryant back. BRYANT. Touchdown Cowboys and this seems less dire. Should have taken the knee, dude. Refs doing the Cowboys a favor giving them that time out when Rodgers was prepared to quick strike again. Hey, a stop. Also, that’s the third time Adams has been held.


Cole Beasley got POPPED. Good defense in the end zone by the Packers to break up that pass. Happy birthday, Super Bowl. 21-13 Packers at halftime.


Buck thought Rodgers was throwing that away and was rightfully stunned when Cobb caught it. The Cowboys defense is getting torn apart on this drive. Cook catches a touchdown after setting it up. The Packers just intercepted a screen pass.


That cost the Cowboys at least three. Montgomery doing everything on this drive. Interception! That didn’t look like a great throw, either.


Witten scores uncontested after some sharp short-pass work by Prescott with a few Elliott runs sprinkled in.


Elliott doing things. He just ducked and spun right past Clay Matthews. Touchdown Cowboys as Dez had to stretch for that one.


Going for two because there’s no choice. Prescott takes it himself — and gets there! We’re tied, somehow. Rodgers and the Packers slowing it down as much as they reasonably can. Rodgers rolls out for a first down. That’s a deep pass to nobody that gets picked off, but let’s see what this flag is. DPI. Wait, now what? Oh, they’re moving the ball. Whatever that was supposed to be, the Cowboys were ready for it. Not a great throw into coverage on third down. Crosby from 56?!? GOOD.


Prescott immediately finds Williams at midfield. The Packers aren’t doing a good job of covering Cowboys receivers. They didn’t need to spike that. Pass is knocked down. Fourth down and Bailey’s on for a 52-yarder. It’s GOOD.


BUT. There’s 40 seconds left and the Packers have two time outs.


Sack! Rodgers immediately calls time. Incomplete to Cook. WAIT NO. WOW. Look at Cook’s feet. That’s a catch. My God.




35 yards on third and 20. Unreal. THIS ALMOST NEVER WORKS.


So we’ll try again. IT’S GOOD! And just barely. The first one was closer.


Give Mason Crosby a medal.


Yeah, there's that, too.  (Packers 34, Cowboys 31)

Perhaps some barbecue? It’s cold in K.C. tonight. This game was supposed to be at 1 but an ice storm pushed it back. Steelers get the ball first and are moving. It’s really kind of amazing how different a player Bell is now than what he was in college. He lost about 15 pounds but didn’t lose any power. Parker says “NOPE,” to Eli Rogers. Did Ben just wave off the field goal unit? Chiefs call time out because nobody knows what’s happening. Steelers kick the field goal after all. Now the Chiefs are doing things with Hill and Kelce. Touchdown Wilson. OK.


Blitz does not work that time. And why in God’s name is Justin Houston in solo coverage against Antonio Brown? Drive stalls and another field goal. YOU ARE NOT RETURNING THIS KICKOFF. Another Steelers field goal. Is this the second Bengals game again? Alex Smith can’t throw interceptions. Road Dogg wide open. Then Roethlisberger gets picked by Berry in the end zone. Didn’t we just see this sequence? That's the big Bell run we’ve been waiting for. THEY MOCKED UP A FROGGER OVERLAY FOR LE’VEON. He already has 101 yards? Another field goal. This is the second Bengals game again. First and 15 with 20 seconds left? Are the Chiefs kidding themselves? Wait, that was a fumble? Christ. The Steelers aren’t really gonna try a 58-yarder. No, they aren't. So they throw it to Brown, who has no teammates around him and gets stopped at the 10. 12-7 Steelers at the half. Somehow that’s not defensive pass interference on the Steelers. Bell gets away for about 35 more yards. More Bell. The Chiefs can’t stop him. ANOTHER field goal? The Steelers must have passed or something. 15-7 now. The Chiefs just threw a pass where the receiver fell down and lost yardage.


Tale as old as time. Harrison with the sack. Good punt. Seems like Cracker’s “Low” is always in the SNF DJ's rotation. That’s a good point: Where’s Maclin been? Kelce just flattened Cockrell, who’s been abusing Chiefs receivers all game. Oh, THERE’S Maclin. That didn’t work so well. Santos field goal is good and it’s 15-10. Roethlisberger just pump-faked the entire Chiefs defense out of their shoes.


That ball went through Maclin’s hands. Same play? Also incomplete, and add a face mask on the Chiefs. Fourth and 8 and… the Chiefs get there? Huh. Maclin having a discussion with an official about… something. Maybe that penalty, perhaps? Yeah, that was pretty bad. Shovel pass to Kelce gets stuffed. Why not bootleg Smith down here?


Oh, that’s why. Chiefs probably can’t kick this with 3:29 left. They get the first down! I’m always surprised anymore to see an actual fullback. Touchdown Chiefs! They go for two and get it! But offensive holding on Fisher cancels it out! Unbelievable. And he had to do it because Harrison would have killed Smith otherwise. Now they have to try again from the 12. This time it fails.


That kickoff probably shouldn’t have been fielded if it wasn’t completely necessary. Steelers throw on second down? Good thing it was caught. Um, it’s not quite over — Brown went out of bounds after that catch. My God. This WAS the second Bengals game.


(Steelers 18, Chiefs 16)


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Sunday, February 5, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Wild Card: Whatever's Left

Roof is CLOSED. (Because nobody needs to see this, especially not while flying overhead.) If Connor Cook is anything more than God-awful today it’s a win, right?




Clay Walker with an ill-fitting jersey/collared polo combo. McDonough immediately points out that stopping the opening kickoff is already a win for the Texans. Osweiler runs through a blitz but it ultimately amounts to naught. Cook not doing much here. That’s a bad punt by a good punter. Texans already in field goal range. Novak hits it. Clowney breaks up the screen and comes up with an interception. Touchdown Miller. Rookie quarterback, new left tackle, against this defense? This game might be over. Gruden’s wrong — that ball hit the ground. Then the Raiders screw up downing the punt inside the 5 and it goes into the end zone. I’m also not sure about that pass interference flag. Gotta wrap up and that’s a big return for the Raiders, which they desperately need. They’ll ride their running game if they know what’s good for them. And appropriately, Murray scores. Was that pass to Crabtree Cook’s first completion? (It actually wasn't.) Osweiler doing things? Osweiler doing things.
Another run by Osweiler. What’s all this? That pass should have been intercepted. Raiders punt it away. Fuller! They’ve needed someone other than Hopkins to do something. Speaking of Hopkins, this is a catch. Your not-frequent-enough reminder that the Raiders’ pass defense isn’t the greatest. Touchdown Texans. Gruden: “I used to change quarterbacks every week.” That’s why you’re in that booth, Jon. That’s not grounding on Cook? 20-7 Texans at the half. Wait, McGloin’s dressed? If he’s healthy, why the hell isn’t he playing? And the Raiders have lost their second-best offensive lineman. If Watt was playing, I’d fear for Cook’s life right now. I kind of do anyway, but even more so.


This drive has been all Cook to Holmes. (What happened to Crabtree?) Including that touchdown. Think it’s too early to onside kick here. That’s… not a good throw by Cook.


That interception may do it. I mean there’s still more than two minutes left but let’s not act like it matters. (Texans 27, Raiders 14)

Devin Hester up in here. Well, someone’s screwed up the call there. Top Pot? "Official Donut"? Sure, I guess. It’s the first half, so expect Zenner to go off. Michael Bennett offsides because it’s a Seahawks game. Another Eric Ebron drop. Jimmy Graham can’t reach that pass and then he takes a hit. Eighteen different ball carriers for the Seahawks? Lord. Graham back in but he can’t save Wilson from being sacked. That’s a good block by Zenner at the last minute to save Stafford from Wagner, and Stafford then connected with Ebron for a first down. This Stafford scramble will come up short, and we’ll walk the length of the field while Caldwell decides.


If you’re gonna run a bootleg on fourth and 1, don’t throw a screen off of it. Good run by Rawls after the turnover. People are interviewing Tom Cable for head coaching jobs? Good Lord, why? Are they desperate? Touchdown Seahawks and I don’t know how Richardson caught that.


Boldin shoved somebody on the Seahawks sideline after that incompletion and the official’s RIGHT there. Be smarter, man. Rawls is having a half. Another nutty catch by Richardson. Hauschka makes his field goal attempt. Oh. Ohhh. That's what Stafford was upset about on the Richardson touchdown. That’s a face mask. Now they’re gonna look at this Jones catch on the sideline. That’s close but I think it’ll stand. Confirmed. Well then. Field goal is good. 10-3 at halftime.


Firestone as in the tires? Zenner! Collinsworth said the Lions would need to keep this close so they could keep using him. Rawls has been running wild tonight. Now he’s down. Russ with a questionably legal block on that run. Macklemore and a 12 lit on a building somewhere off a body of water. Rawls back in after a couple of pass plays. Big stop by the Lions and the Seahawks settle for three. Al just pointed out, because nobody else said it, that that’s Boldin’s second personal foul. That means he’s out of the game. Then he corrects himself and says that it’s only unsportsmanlike conducts that stack like that. Still, that kills this drive.




Baldwin moves the chains. THAT’S a catch. Touchdown Rawls! Hauschka MISSES. 19-7.


The Lions needed more than they got there. Richardson AGAIN. That seemed more “unnecessary” than “roughness”. Baldwin’s adamant he caught that one. Maybe he did. Carroll challenges.
Somehow that ball never hit the ground.


Call reversed. Then Baldwin scores on a route mixup and a ball that may have been meant for Kearse. Been that kind of night.


MVP discussion starting. Collinsworth: “I don’t know what else Tom Brady could have done this season.” How about play 16 games? (Seahawks 26, Lions 6)

The Dolphins, man. Nobody had that. Cold down there. That October game was the first time Jay Ajayi went nuts and the Dolphins stopped throwing the ball as a concept after that. How is that Brown’s first postseason touchdown? The Dolphins might want to not do that again. Brown making up for lost playoff ducats.


Also, Roethlisberger is 7-for-7 so far. Also also, what happened to the coverage?


Third and 13 and Moore finds Stills for considerably more than that. Field goal is better than nothing, I suppose. This is already the Steelers’ longest drive of the game by time. They’re letting Bell have this one, it looks like. That’s some sick blocking up front to spring him on that touchdown(?) run. They rule him down, and I thought he was down before propelling himself into the end zone. Bell gets stuffed twice… but this second time looks good on replay. Tomlin challenges. Overturned. Touchdown.


CLANG. 20-3. Fumble? Still Dolphins ball. “Piles and piles and bags of stuff.” Fake punt without hesitation. We got a donnybrook down here? Heyward-Bey is MAD. Someone tell him his guy started it. Moore just got his clock cleaned and the Dolphins are going after the guy who did it.



T.J. Yates (!) warming up. Offsetting? That seems weak.
Yates is the other quarterback in this stadium with a playoff win. Moore back in after ONE play. What the hell. This isn’t over and this game could get ugly later. Tracy reporting that Moore actually motioned to his back after the hit, of all places. At least they’re in field goal range. Kick is good and it’s 20-6. The Dolphins just prevented themselves from intercepting that pass.
And they probably should have gotten that one, too, but James out-reached everybody. They got one! Needed a tip to do it, but they get a pick before halftime. Dolphins driving? No one blocks Harrison and the Steelers recover the fumble. Is that our first Masters promo of the year? Lot of guys tugging on Landry there. Moore runs into his own man (Ajayi) and fumbles, and it’s Steelers ball, killing that drive. Bell finding space in the smallest holes.
As well as the larger ones. Hey, a sack. That’ll force a field goal attempt, which is good. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. What even happened there? Roethlisberger run comes up short. Going on fourth and 3? I don’t get that. Just kick it. They got for it and get it? Huh. The Steelers have been blowing up the Dolphins’ defensive line all day today, and Bell just walked in for another touchdown. Two minutes left in the third and I feel like we can call this. It’s the fourth quarter and this is the Steelers’ first punt. Moore takes another big hit.
Touchdown Ajayi’s backup. I'm not sure if it’s wise to keep Roethlisberger in when the Dolphins are just ready to tee off like this. (Steelers 30, Dolphins 12)



I don’t think the Giants have run for 200 yards this year. Victor Cruz lives.


I’m… not sure I would have punted. I don’t know how the wind is out there, but that’s the no-man’s land area of the field where there are no great options. Three and out? That’s new. Shepard! That’s Beckham’s second drop and that would have been a touchdown.


Then Shepard can’t reel one in in that same corner. Lot of mishandled balls so far. Field goal is good. I think that sack just canceled out the Nelson catch. Both quarterbacks are a little off right now. That play fake didn’t work. For a defense that’s only average at rushing the passer with four, the Giants are giving Rodgers nowhere to maneuver.


That’s two straight high balls from Rodgers — one for Nelson, one for Adams. They’ve gotten nothing going. Eli finds Will Tye for 51(!) I think the Giants have run the ball like three times. Beckham’s still mad about not getting a call on that end zone ball but it was too close. Gould is good. 6-0. Good kickoff return by Janis after a not-great kick. That’s grounding, and that’s another opportunity wasted. Adams! FINALLY someone catches a deep ball. Rodgers being Rodgers. Runs around and threads the needle to Adams for the touchdown. Nice work on the FOX replay so you could see when Aikman was talking about Bulaga’s work on that play.


Giants call time out right before the two-minute warning? Strange. Stranger: Why run on third down there? And, as Buck just said, why run with Rainey, who’s your smallest back?


HAIL MARY CAUGHT BY COBB. TOUCHDOWN PACKERS. That’s ridiculous.






LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.




The Giants ran the ball? Huh. Now the Packers are running the ball. Christine Michael lives! Jordy Nelson, however, will not return tonight. Don’t like the Packers going for it here. And really don’t like it after Montgomery lost four yards. Touchdown WHO? I’ve never seen that man before.


Cobb! And the Packers strike right back. The Giants just don't have it. This looks like the end. Cobb again.


Beckham returned that kickoff? That’s playing with fire. Is this a fumble? Clay thinks it is. “Fine,  I’ll get it myself.” Fumble! Packers ball! Wait, they’re at the goal line again already? Touchdown Packers and this is now a massacre.


Eli throws an Eliception in the end zone and Randall’s just stuntin’ on ’em now. Then he gets tripped and 15 gets in his face like this isn’t the final score: (Packers 38, Giants 13)

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Thursday, January 19, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Tamed West

Gary Kubiak’s resigning from the Broncos due to documented health issues? The first half of that sentence is surprising; the second half isn’t.

Signal Finder: DAL @ PHI, CLE @ PIT, NYG @ WAS, OAK @ DEN, KC @ SD

Prescott starts but not Elliott. Tyron Smith is hurt. Sean Lee missing a game on his own accord for once. I’m not sure if Sproles would be playing if Mathews, Barner and Smallwood weren’t all hurt. Agholor hurt? No Jordan Matthews, either? Jeez. Fake end around fools no one. Wentz and Ertz can’t connect, and it’s up to Sturgis, who makes it. Mike Trout in the house! In his usual end zone seats, even. Did Jess get a haircut? Slightly surprised Prescott’s still in this game. Bailey hits because of course he does. Terrell Watson with his first carry. Romo? Romo. And he guns it up on his first play. You got the call, Dez. Stop being mad. Touchdown to Williams. Looks like Romo’s done. Sanchez time.



I’m not sure that’s a catch by Butler. Hicks gets an interception off a blitz.





The Eagles’ offense has stopped, and now it’s against backups. Jones bangs out a 66-yard punt and plants it at the 1-yard line. Hicks again! He just owns the Cowboys. Wentz is all “Fine. I’ll do it myself.” Touchdown to Ertz. PAT good and we’re tied at 10 at halftime. Peters out, and Big V replacing him. That throw to Beasley was a top-5 all-time Mark Sanchez pass. Pretty sure DGB peaked in high school. I don’t understand this call on the Watson catch.


Ertz is practically the only guy out here Wentz can rely on. 17-13. Marshall showing some speed on this run. More Ertz! Meanwhile, in the press box:

That’s a big sack. Blocked punt? Sure, why not. The Eagles want Watson to get this touchdown. And he does. (Eagles 27, Cowboys 13)

 Patriots to Dolphins: "Don't get cocky, kid." (Patriots 35, Dolphins 14)

No Roethlisberger or Bell, at least, for the Steelers, either. That’s Griffin’s first touchdown pass with the Browns. It’s Week 17. Chyron: “CLEVELAND: STRENGTHS: ???” I mean, it’s true. The Steelers have three yards after the first quarter. That’s how little they care about the outcome of this game. Another one. 14-0 Browns. Bad, BAD interception by Griffin. Wow, I didn’t realize they were that close to their own end zone. Steelers call time out and don’t tell their players. Touchdown DeAngelo Williams after breaking a tackle. You hear this? The last time the Browns won in Pittsburgh, Tim Couch and Tommy Maddox were the quarterbacks. And Harlan just said that Maddox got hurt in that game and Roethlisberger replaced him. The rest is history, of course. Not a good effort by Eli Rogers on that interception. Wait, what?


SO. BROWNS. Looking at the replay, dude just dropped the ball. It wasn't even knocked out of his hands. Touchdown Williams and we’re tied because Browns. Have the Browns had the word "BROWNS" on their pants all season? Horrible. Griffin should have been intercepted again there.


Still tied at 14. Not anymore, it's not. Ayers slipped out of the coverage and outran the corner to the end zone. Touchdown Steelers. Big run by Crowell! 67 yards! Touchdown Browns! Steelers have to punt and the Browns actually have a chance here. Pryor straight-up clowned Burns on that route. FUMBLE. STEELERS BALL. All they had to do was NOT THAT. (And if you really want to be pedantic and ultra-conservative, all they actually had to do was take two knees and kick the field goal.)


Wow. We’re going to overtime. Browns win the toss and are driving. RIP sideline mic dude.


Mitchell stops Coleman short of the goal line, then gets flagged for a face mask. Mitchell’s in shock. “He grabbed mine!” He’s right! They grabbed each other’s!! I’m amazed he didn’t curse. The Browns just lost 14 yards on a screen pass. Field goal, miraculously, is good.
Touchdown Hamilton! Because Browns. (Steelers 27, Browns 24, OT)

Meanwhile, in Nashville,it's Tom Savage vs. Matt Cassel. Wait, what?


Seriously? We have to go through this again? At least this game wasn't for the division title. (Titans 24, Texans 17)

Matt Barkley just caught a touchdown pass. It was the only Bears touchdown of the game. Another year, another Sam Bradford season that doesn't end above .500. He and Jeff Fisher really were perfect for each other. (Vikings 38, Bears 10)


And in a sign of blatant disrespect, we will begin the second half of our day in Denver. It's been a while since we've seen the Broncos' offense look this good on a drive. What was that Talib-Crabtree confrontation about? Talib ripped Crabtree's chain off? Why are you wearing jewelry during a game, dude? We went through this with Jon Ryan's wedding ring. McGloin's been off so far. Like, really off. That's a flag for helmet-to-helmet and McGloin looks shaken up. They’re looking at his neck? No way that’s good. Siemian just finding holes in this Raiders defense. That's another touchdown for Booker. And Connor Cook is in. God help us. He's been as bad as McGloin, possibly worse. That's a fumble. Touchdown Broncos and this is approaching inevitability. 
They’ve switched to Chiefs-Chargers here. Just saw the pick-six Smith threw and I didn't realize it was tipped until the replay. That's why the ball looked like a dying quail as it fell. The Chiefs scored on that same play to the same guy? Bad job, Chargers. And worse job on the Hill punt return, letting him take it to the house from his own 5. The only person who offered any resistance was his own teammate and Hill shoved him to the ground. Are we gonna get switched back?  That'd be historic, no? Now I’m wondering if the Raiders angered a god. Godspeed, Coach Kubiak. Farewell again, San Diego? (Broncos 24, Raiders 6; Chiefs 37, Chargers 27)

That Cousins pick. Man. He and Andy Dalton are destined to duel over who claims the mantle of Lesser Eli, aren't they? I'm not sure Garcon would have caught it regardless... that pass was high and a little behind him. Is that a faint "DRC" chant I hear? That's distressing. Cousins has to beat a good team at some point, right? crosses off Redskins (Giants 19, Redskins 10)

And with that, this game is now only for the NFC North title, and a rematch next week is impossible. “LOSER: WILD CARD AT # 3 SEATTLE.” YOU DON’T WANT TO LOSE THIS GAME. Tate just missed a touchdown the Lions really could have used. Zenner had three 2000-yard seasons in college? Wow. So the Packers need a right corner or something.
Al just jinxed Prater. How did Rodgers get out of there? There’s the other Rodgers.
Touchdown Packers. T.J. Jones? Never heard of him. That’s how Stafford is doing all of this without Megatron: The Lions brought in a bunch of experienced receivers to pick up the slack. Penalty cancels out the sack. Touchdown Lions! Clay just dropped a potential pick-six. Boldin still doing Boldin things. Zenner having a solid first half, just like last week. That’s a risky throw that Boldin ended up with. Touchdown Tate.



The Lions somehow left the sideline open deep. Is this too long for Crosby? Nope. Still, Lions lead at halftime, which I'm not sure I would have called. Another Al jinx: he talks about how well the Lions have defended Nelson and they immediately stop doing it. The penalties, while mostly declined, don’t help, either. Touchdown Adams! Packers lead. Montgomery back in after some weirdness and gets a nice gain on a reverse. That’s a heck of a catch by Jones. Rollins is still down? It didn’t look that bad but now the cart’s out. Rodgers takes off for a first down. Then he finds Cook for another one.

Also, just like last week, Zenner's been stifled in the second half. GERONIMO! Rodgers running around for about 10 seconds before finding Allison in the end zone for a touchdown. Okay, nine seconds. Still, though. Ridiculous.


Prater makes a 56-yarder and it’s a six-point game. This is a very generous spot and Caldwell should and will challenge. That didn’t take long. Rodgers picks up the first down on a damn bootleg. Then he catches the Lions with 12 men on the field. This drive has taken almost five minutes. Touchdown Adams and it’s over. This drive won’t mean anything in the end because the Lions never beat the Packers. See? Boldin catches a late touchdown and at least it wasn’t Tate. I’m gonna win a fantasy football title! (Packers 31, Lions 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Dallas (13-3): Pretty sure Kevin Sweeney was next man up
2. New England (14-2): Biding their time
3. Kansas City (12-4): This is how you survive
4. Pittsburgh (11-5): Definitely trending upward

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-13): Probably the end for Cutler
30. Jacksonville (2-14): On to new direction 6.0 or thereabouts
31. San Francisco (2-14): It's a bad job, but someone's gotta take it
32. Cleveland (1-15): Only the Browns, man...
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