View Finder: SD @ NYJ, OAK @ KC (end), NYG @ SF
Philip, I'd advise you to take a good look around. Scout the winds; note the dimensions, know where all the exits are. Just... familiarize yourself with this place. I'm not saying; I'm just saying. Touchdown LDT. Touchdown LDT. Touch... yeah, you know the rest. Brooks Bollinger's back! Maybe this means they'll finally put Vinny down for good? Martin's 100th career touchdown? Pshhh. Tomlinson may get that many this season at this pace. Are the Chargers gonna blow another one? Okay, no. Butch: "You know what I'd like? To root for a boring team. That'd be nice."
Hey, who's that guy in the red and white hanging out in the pocket throwing laser beams?
Watch Out For: Jacksonville.
Anyone here seen the Bears play yet? Are they actually any good or just the best of a sorry lot? Tiger Stadium probably drew more for Arkansas State or whoever LSU played last week. The Saints just can't score touchdowns. It's unfathomable what's gone on down there.
"Six of the last seven Chiefs-Raiders games in Arrowhead have been decided in overtime or the last 25 seconds of regulation. The teams are 3-3 in those six games, but the last three have gone to the Chiefs." So you know where this is headed. As you see above, I caught the tail end of this and... wow. Just... wow. Not only to go for it there, but to call a running play. Vince McMahon's grapefruits are nothing compared to Dick Vermiel's.
Better catch: Burleson or Shockey?
Speaking of the Giants, it looked for a long time like they were gonna screw up and lose this one. All the penalties, the two long field goals Nedney hit... they just didn't look good for the longest time. I'm not convinced yet.
We did the math and figured out that in a hypothetical Seahawks/Cardinals Sunday night game, Shaun Alexander would rush for 529 yards.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 2. Anthony Wright, 3. Brett Favre, 4. Chris Simms, 5. Josh McCown.
This'll be... interesting. Donovan's moving better than he has since he got hurt, but like Patrick said, that likely just means he feels better than he had been. It doesn't mean everything's all right. Brown could've run another 50 yards and not been caught, that's how good a route that was. FUMBLE... ah, they got it back. I still haven't digested the Failed Fake Spike yet. It's almost like Donovan forgot to tell anyone else he was gonna do it. It's a David Akers sighting! And there's another fumble the Redskins get back. OMG a BILLY McMULLEN sighting! You know who's good is Chris Cooley. How many breaks are the Redskins going to get tonight? Good Lord. Nice to see the Eagles acting with the appropriate sense of urgency here, but even if they score, there might be too much time left... but that's no longer an issue, is it?
Colts score first! That's massive. Even after the Patriots tied it, I didn't get the feeling that the Colts felt like they were in any danger. Maybe it was just early. What nobody pointed out on the "Which runner was ruled down?" fumble was that the reason the ball came loose again was that David had thrown it away after recovering it. So he knew he was down, but nobody else did, and everyone comically chased it down another 35 yards or so. High comedy. Going for it in that spot? An onside kick that early? What's Belichick thinking? The other part of Madden was saying about how the Patriots' defense looked tired was all the guys they had to move around because of the injuries, and then just ineffectiveness. (Hello, there's a reason Duane Starks was cut by the freakin' Cardinals.) That was Dennis Quaid doing the open? Really? Has Indy punted yet? The thing is, now, the Colts might not even see the Patriots again this year.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (5-4, W1): MARVIN HARRISON IS A GOLDEN GOD. Going into Monday night I had Harrison, Wayne and Vanderjagt while Wade had Peyton and David Givens, who I was expecting to be the difference. But it was Marvin's second touchdown catch (and Wade not having a second available RB) that enabled me to win by seven.
JackSux (8-1, W1, clinched playoff spot): That's right, friends. The Captains of Charisma are already in the playoffs. I trailed the Iceflame Freaks by a fraction of a point going into MNF and basically just needed Wayne to show up. Next week I have to go without Tomlinson, though.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (8-0) - Season's over
2. Denver (6-2) - Will week off turn them back into choking dogs?
3. Cincinnati (7-2) - Bengals get physical against rivals
BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (2-7) - Circumstances aside, this team blows
31. Houston (1-7) - Return to form
32. Green Bay (1-7) - The sad thing is, they can't even draft Leinart
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Tuesday, November 1, 2005
By the PIgskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Houses of the (Un)Holy
View Finder: WSH @ NYG, JAX @ STL, OAK @ TEN (end), PHI @ DEN
RIP Mr. Mara. Hey, between putting up 52 points last week and this, the Redskins are screwed, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Packers-Bengals. It's obvious the Benglas still aren't quite used to this whole "being successful" thing. I mean, seriously: no Green, no Walker, no defense... how does this even count as a league game? The reaction to the fan running on the field and taking the ball out of Favre's hands had to have been total shock -- how else do you explain that he's still alive? You have to pound him down like a piece of veal, am I right? Didn't Favre do something like that a couple of years ago?
Two bright spots for the Vikings: 1) Daunte doesn't have to suffer anymore; 2) Frankly, the way he'd been playing, Brad Johnson's an upgrade at this point.
This will not reflect well on the Browns.
Me, September 8: "This year I'm telling you that Joey Harrington will be just fine." Clearly, I deserve to be taken seriously. Although he could have gone out there and done that. I think the Bears just clinched the NFC North.
On the other hand, I'm riding this "I can't believe how everyone fell for the Cardinals" wave into the ground. "Experts." Pssssshhhhhh.
Hey, it's the Rams' B-teamers again. Furrey's the guy who took the ball away from Ernie Conwell last week, right? Stephen Jackson is just carving up the Jags' defense here, and it's a good thing he is, because I don't know if anyone else who's left can. MATT JONES! WHO! All right, that's the first and last time I'll do that. You know who's been ruling for the Jaguars is Ernest Wilford. Why do all their receivers wear numbers in the teens again? And are they about to pull off another comeback? Never mind.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The Browns; 2. The Redskins; 3. The Eagles; 4. The Buccaneers; 5. The Lions.
The best way to break this down, I think, is like so: The first 25 minutes were the Eagles-Chiefs game. The second 20 minutes were the fourth quarter of every Broncos game this year. And the last 15 were every time Plummer's led a comeback against the Eagles. Nice leaping one-handed grab by Alexander. And did T.O. actually not celebrate after faking Champ out of his jock? Let me just say that Donovan's not playing on the defense that gave up 49 points.
If this continues, Ken Dorsey and Craig Krenzel are gonna end up teammates. Cadillac's clearly not fully recovered and it shows, and it's not doing Simms any favors. Did that pass hit the official in the head? Someone tell the 49ers that where all the red paint is... that's the end zone, and the object of the game is to get the ball in it. Pickett coming off the field after the tackle on the punt return and switching helmets was tremendous. Did... did that just happen? It's official, folks: the NFC blows.
That "Tomlinson has more touchdown passes than any New York Jet" stat says a lot about a lot of things.
Of course Tedy's been on the field almost every play -- the Patriots' defense can't get off the field. I still love how announcers bring up Holcomb's past big passing performances and leave out the fact that he lost. Normally I'd say the Bills' inability to get touchdowns is going to cost them in the end, but the Pats' offense doesn't look like it's here yet. You know who's still good is Eric Moulds. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, a Corey Dillon sighting! This may sound strange, but this is the best thing the Colts could have hoped for -- all the Bruschi hoopla's out of the way, and they won't be facing the Pats coming off a home loss. It is, after all, the Biggest Game Ever.
No Ray and no Reed? This could get ugly in the bad way in a hurry. Ben can punt? Who knew? And points to Al Michaels for off-handedly suggesting it when he said that the Steelers could do a quick kick from that formation. Insult to injury right there. Ward's leap-take the hit-bobble-take the second hit-catch-and-point is Play of the Week and it's really not close. The only reason this game is stil competitive is because of the rivalry factor -- remember that these two teams do not like each other. CLANG! That'll cost 'em. See? Jeff Reed knows how it's done.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (4-4, L1): Up against Tiki and Antonio Gates, and with Brunell and Cooley posting negative numbers, and Harrison and Wayne on their bye week... well, you can guess this result. 102-43. Wade looms in the near distance.
JackSux (7-1, L1): Lost to Johnny 97-80 on the shoulders of an unrelated Barber (Marion) and me getting nothing from Brunell.
RANKINGS:
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - A win next week and it's probably over
2. Denver (6-2) - Eight games down, eight to go
3 (tie) Pittsburgh (5-2) - Steelers win a close one when it counts
(tie) Cincinnati (6-2) - Lucky and good
BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (1-6) - Make no mistake, there's still problems here
31. Cleveland (2-5) - Because really, they lost to the Texans
32. Green Bay (1-6) - You know it's bad when even fans are forcing turnovers
RIP Mr. Mara. Hey, between putting up 52 points last week and this, the Redskins are screwed, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Packers-Bengals. It's obvious the Benglas still aren't quite used to this whole "being successful" thing. I mean, seriously: no Green, no Walker, no defense... how does this even count as a league game? The reaction to the fan running on the field and taking the ball out of Favre's hands had to have been total shock -- how else do you explain that he's still alive? You have to pound him down like a piece of veal, am I right? Didn't Favre do something like that a couple of years ago?
Two bright spots for the Vikings: 1) Daunte doesn't have to suffer anymore; 2) Frankly, the way he'd been playing, Brad Johnson's an upgrade at this point.
This will not reflect well on the Browns.
Me, September 8: "This year I'm telling you that Joey Harrington will be just fine." Clearly, I deserve to be taken seriously. Although he could have gone out there and done that. I think the Bears just clinched the NFC North.
On the other hand, I'm riding this "I can't believe how everyone fell for the Cardinals" wave into the ground. "Experts." Pssssshhhhhh.
Hey, it's the Rams' B-teamers again. Furrey's the guy who took the ball away from Ernie Conwell last week, right? Stephen Jackson is just carving up the Jags' defense here, and it's a good thing he is, because I don't know if anyone else who's left can. MATT JONES! WHO! All right, that's the first and last time I'll do that. You know who's been ruling for the Jaguars is Ernest Wilford. Why do all their receivers wear numbers in the teens again? And are they about to pull off another comeback? Never mind.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The Browns; 2. The Redskins; 3. The Eagles; 4. The Buccaneers; 5. The Lions.
The best way to break this down, I think, is like so: The first 25 minutes were the Eagles-Chiefs game. The second 20 minutes were the fourth quarter of every Broncos game this year. And the last 15 were every time Plummer's led a comeback against the Eagles. Nice leaping one-handed grab by Alexander. And did T.O. actually not celebrate after faking Champ out of his jock? Let me just say that Donovan's not playing on the defense that gave up 49 points.
If this continues, Ken Dorsey and Craig Krenzel are gonna end up teammates. Cadillac's clearly not fully recovered and it shows, and it's not doing Simms any favors. Did that pass hit the official in the head? Someone tell the 49ers that where all the red paint is... that's the end zone, and the object of the game is to get the ball in it. Pickett coming off the field after the tackle on the punt return and switching helmets was tremendous. Did... did that just happen? It's official, folks: the NFC blows.
That "Tomlinson has more touchdown passes than any New York Jet" stat says a lot about a lot of things.
Of course Tedy's been on the field almost every play -- the Patriots' defense can't get off the field. I still love how announcers bring up Holcomb's past big passing performances and leave out the fact that he lost. Normally I'd say the Bills' inability to get touchdowns is going to cost them in the end, but the Pats' offense doesn't look like it's here yet. You know who's still good is Eric Moulds. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, a Corey Dillon sighting! This may sound strange, but this is the best thing the Colts could have hoped for -- all the Bruschi hoopla's out of the way, and they won't be facing the Pats coming off a home loss. It is, after all, the Biggest Game Ever.
No Ray and no Reed? This could get ugly in the bad way in a hurry. Ben can punt? Who knew? And points to Al Michaels for off-handedly suggesting it when he said that the Steelers could do a quick kick from that formation. Insult to injury right there. Ward's leap-take the hit-bobble-take the second hit-catch-and-point is Play of the Week and it's really not close. The only reason this game is stil competitive is because of the rivalry factor -- remember that these two teams do not like each other. CLANG! That'll cost 'em. See? Jeff Reed knows how it's done.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (4-4, L1): Up against Tiki and Antonio Gates, and with Brunell and Cooley posting negative numbers, and Harrison and Wayne on their bye week... well, you can guess this result. 102-43. Wade looms in the near distance.
JackSux (7-1, L1): Lost to Johnny 97-80 on the shoulders of an unrelated Barber (Marion) and me getting nothing from Brunell.
RANKINGS:
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - A win next week and it's probably over
2. Denver (6-2) - Eight games down, eight to go
3 (tie) Pittsburgh (5-2) - Steelers win a close one when it counts
(tie) Cincinnati (6-2) - Lucky and good
BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (1-6) - Make no mistake, there's still problems here
31. Cleveland (2-5) - Because really, they lost to the Texans
32. Green Bay (1-6) - You know it's bad when even fans are forcing turnovers
Friday, October 28, 2005
Like Philadelphia to Memphis... Through Atlanta
The title of this post refers to the flight route my parents took when they went on vacation to Memphis and Nashville a few weeks ago.
But this post has (almost) nothing to do with that.
I was surfing "My Recommendations" on amazon.com earlier and I was astounded at some of the reasons they made some of the recommendations they did.
Astounded in a good way and a bad way.
Recommending Theory of Poker because of Super System being on my wish list is obvious. The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy album because of Swingers makes perfect sense. But -- and I'm sure I'm not the first person to notice this -- some of the connections they make are truly bizarre:
How do you get to a wireless broadband router from Super System II?
How does the Miles Davis classic Kind of Blue lead to a Jet Li movie? (Hero, for the curious.)
The Comedy Bible to The Quick and Dirty Guide to Salsa? (The dance, not the condiment. Although the condiment would probably make even less sense)
And how exactly do you get from Chappelle's Show: Season 2 to Madden 2006? Is it because they both have black men on their covers?
But this one takes the cake: I was recommended a mixer - you know, the kitchen appliance - based on owning Norah Jones's Come Away With Me.
That's a connection that completely eludes me. I think of mixers and I don't think of Norah Jones, I think of cake batter. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter... Norah Jones...
...
I suddenly have to go.
But this post has (almost) nothing to do with that.
I was surfing "My Recommendations" on amazon.com earlier and I was astounded at some of the reasons they made some of the recommendations they did.
Astounded in a good way and a bad way.
Recommending Theory of Poker because of Super System being on my wish list is obvious. The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy album because of Swingers makes perfect sense. But -- and I'm sure I'm not the first person to notice this -- some of the connections they make are truly bizarre:
How do you get to a wireless broadband router from Super System II?
How does the Miles Davis classic Kind of Blue lead to a Jet Li movie? (Hero, for the curious.)
The Comedy Bible to The Quick and Dirty Guide to Salsa? (The dance, not the condiment. Although the condiment would probably make even less sense)
And how exactly do you get from Chappelle's Show: Season 2 to Madden 2006? Is it because they both have black men on their covers?
But this one takes the cake: I was recommended a mixer - you know, the kitchen appliance - based on owning Norah Jones's Come Away With Me.
That's a connection that completely eludes me. I think of mixers and I don't think of Norah Jones, I think of cake batter. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter... Norah Jones...
...
I suddenly have to go.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 7: Reasonable Doubt
View Finder: SD @ PHI, DEN @ NYG, DAL @ SEA
Wait! Wait a minute! That's... THAT'S JEFF GARCIA'S MUSIC! This crowd is stunned!
Is anyone left for the Rams? This is the second week in a row that a player's punched an opponent in the junk. This trend needs to stop, right? Afterwards, Saints C LeCharles Bentley wanted Rams DT Damione Lewis to be suspended, saying "Maybe that's how he was raised." And isn't that the perfect metaphor for what actually happened to the Saints in this game. Jamie Martin is 36?
So I'll pass the time before something actually happens here by playing Devil's Advocate: The Chargers' secondary isn't all that. And during the streak of 25 straight passes, 22 of them were completed. You attack the weakness and good things can happen. I have to say I've been quite disappointed in T.O.'s celebrations this year. Did LDT miss the flight? Does Lorenzo Neal actually have more yards than he does? There's been an awful lot of pushing and shoving in this game for teams that never play each other. All right, Andy. First, why are you going for it; and second, why are you going for it by throwing a five-yard overhead to Lamar Gordon? It's BLOCKED! TOUCHDOWN! We believe that's the first time the Eagles have ever done that. I can't tell if it was a fumble or not, and whatever was called on the field was going to hold up because no matter which way you go, you can't convincingly say that it was something other than what the refs said it was. If that makes any sense.
Is this the Penn State game again?
So this Edinger, he does a 180 every time he kicks for... what? Momentum? The Bears actually cut him for Doug Brien, if you can believe that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I was expecting this score to be doubled. On both sides. A few years ago I asked Chris if that season's Vikings were the worst team to ever beat Favre in the Metrodome. I think these guys take the cake.
"Dear Cincinnati Bengals: Just wanted to make sure you didn't forget about us. Sincerely, The Pittsburgh Steelers."
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Titans-Cardinals.
REVENGE THE TIME IS NOW! Ah, Seattle weather. Is everybody tired all the time because it's so overcast? Is that why the coffee boom happened there? This is one of the most boring games ever and I saw the first half of Chargers-Eagles. I think Alexander's wherever Tomlinson was. Why would you interject yourself into any argument Bill Parcells is having? Oh, wow. That last pass was Testaverde-esque. Didn't this happen three hours ago?
The Giants' fumble recovery on the final kickoff cost Ed his fantasy league game.
Well, that's an inauspicious beginning for the Jets. And it continues. And it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon. Good thing the Falcons can run the ball, eh?
FANTASY REPORT
aPA SmackDown! (4-3, W2): LaMont Jordan's three touchdowns and Mark Brunell facing the 49ers adds up to our first winning streak. 97-50 over Gutter Trash.
JackSux (7-0, W7): 100-64 as the Falcons' defense goes to town on the Jets. This is eerily familiar. Poor Johnny lost by .01.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - Two weeks to prepare for The Biggest Game Ever
2. Pittsburgh (4-2) - The formula will work until proven otherwise
3. Cincinnati (5-2) - Not yet, boys
BOTTOM 3:
30. Green Bay (1-5) - And now Green's out
31. San Francisco (1-5) - Now Smith's hobbled on top of everything
32. Houston (0-6) - Somebody may need to be mercy killed
Wait! Wait a minute! That's... THAT'S JEFF GARCIA'S MUSIC! This crowd is stunned!
Is anyone left for the Rams? This is the second week in a row that a player's punched an opponent in the junk. This trend needs to stop, right? Afterwards, Saints C LeCharles Bentley wanted Rams DT Damione Lewis to be suspended, saying "Maybe that's how he was raised." And isn't that the perfect metaphor for what actually happened to the Saints in this game. Jamie Martin is 36?
So I'll pass the time before something actually happens here by playing Devil's Advocate: The Chargers' secondary isn't all that. And during the streak of 25 straight passes, 22 of them were completed. You attack the weakness and good things can happen. I have to say I've been quite disappointed in T.O.'s celebrations this year. Did LDT miss the flight? Does Lorenzo Neal actually have more yards than he does? There's been an awful lot of pushing and shoving in this game for teams that never play each other. All right, Andy. First, why are you going for it; and second, why are you going for it by throwing a five-yard overhead to Lamar Gordon? It's BLOCKED! TOUCHDOWN! We believe that's the first time the Eagles have ever done that. I can't tell if it was a fumble or not, and whatever was called on the field was going to hold up because no matter which way you go, you can't convincingly say that it was something other than what the refs said it was. If that makes any sense.
Is this the Penn State game again?
So this Edinger, he does a 180 every time he kicks for... what? Momentum? The Bears actually cut him for Doug Brien, if you can believe that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I was expecting this score to be doubled. On both sides. A few years ago I asked Chris if that season's Vikings were the worst team to ever beat Favre in the Metrodome. I think these guys take the cake.
"Dear Cincinnati Bengals: Just wanted to make sure you didn't forget about us. Sincerely, The Pittsburgh Steelers."
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Titans-Cardinals.
REVENGE THE TIME IS NOW! Ah, Seattle weather. Is everybody tired all the time because it's so overcast? Is that why the coffee boom happened there? This is one of the most boring games ever and I saw the first half of Chargers-Eagles. I think Alexander's wherever Tomlinson was. Why would you interject yourself into any argument Bill Parcells is having? Oh, wow. That last pass was Testaverde-esque. Didn't this happen three hours ago?
The Giants' fumble recovery on the final kickoff cost Ed his fantasy league game.
Well, that's an inauspicious beginning for the Jets. And it continues. And it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon. Good thing the Falcons can run the ball, eh?
FANTASY REPORT
aPA SmackDown! (4-3, W2): LaMont Jordan's three touchdowns and Mark Brunell facing the 49ers adds up to our first winning streak. 97-50 over Gutter Trash.
JackSux (7-0, W7): 100-64 as the Falcons' defense goes to town on the Jets. This is eerily familiar. Poor Johnny lost by .01.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - Two weeks to prepare for The Biggest Game Ever
2. Pittsburgh (4-2) - The formula will work until proven otherwise
3. Cincinnati (5-2) - Not yet, boys
BOTTOM 3:
30. Green Bay (1-5) - And now Green's out
31. San Francisco (1-5) - Now Smith's hobbled on top of everything
32. Houston (0-6) - Somebody may need to be mercy killed
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: The Dark Side of the Moon
View Finder: JAX @ PIT, NYG @ DAL (end), ATL @ NOSA (very end)
No Ben and no Hines Ward? This can't end well. No Taylor? That's... to be expected, quite frankly. I'm starting to think maybe the Steelers would've been better off with Charlie Batch - Maddox looks like he hasn't seen a football in two years. The Jags haven't been great by any means, but this game is begging to be stolen, and it's gonna happen right... oh, no, it's NOT. Byron overthrew that one. Did Mathis jump that route? Am I a prophet?
Chris Weinke's still alive?
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Browns-Ravens.
Ricky's BACK. And... is rendered inconsequential? And Brown isn't doing so well either. That'd be the Tampa D we all know and mostly fear. OMG a Chris Simms sighting? Are the Bucs really 5-1?
They gave up 28 points to that offense? Are we absolutely positive the boats returned to shore?
Flipped to the last two minutes of regulation in Giants-Cowboys and saw the turnovers graphic. I appear to have not missed anything particularly scintillating or even watchable. The Giants drafted Brandon Jacobs to be what Ron Dayne never ended up being (and even gave him Dayne's number), but he's so tall and he runs upright and that's what's gonna happen. I still don't know how Thomas didn't get nailed for a safety on that second-down run. I guess Shockey's back. Does anybody want to win this game? Ah, there we go. You know, after watching this, I suddenly feel better about our own chances.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bengals-Titans.
Oh, come on! Everybody holds! That was awful.
Who are you, and what have you done with Jake Plummer? You get the sense that everything is just adding up badly for the Patriots right now. Didn't we see this two weeks ago? Did that guy just hit him in the junk? What's that about? If Brady's going to pull this one out, he'd better get on the stick. Ah, here he comes, with Champ in the locker room to boot. But I'd like their chances better if Dillon was playing. And sure enough. The Bruschi announcement: inspiration or desperation? Discuss.
I think this Tomlinson kid's got a future in this league.
Shaq : 2004 Dolphins :: the Astros : 2005 Texans. Mr. Sunday Night is BACK.
See, this is how this offense is supposed to work. It'd be bad form to fire Martz right at this moment, wouldn't it? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. What kind of name is "Cato June" for a human being? OK, once again I don't know who the Rams' backup QB is. Jamie Martin? That sounds familiar and yet it doesn't. You know what nobody's talking about is the season Edge is having so far. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, there's something we've never seen before.
FANTASY REPORT
aPaFL Smackdown! (3-3, W1): We're back at .500 after a tough 101-89 win over an improved Mercs squad. Brunell continues to pick on bad defenses and put up shockingly good numbers.
JackSux (6-0, W6): Have I mentioned how much I love having Tomlinson on my team? Yahoo really needs to start increasing his projections -- I was projected to lose this game. Instead, I beat the tar out of poor Dupin to the tune of 120.28-52.20.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (6-0) - This was a test, and the Colts passed
2. Denver (5-1) - Plummer plays big in important win
3. San Diego (3-3) - I think they beat the Bengals
BOTTOM 3:
30. Minnesota (1-4) - 67 points, third-fewest in the league (Baltimore, No. 32)
31. San Francisco (1-4) - Alex Smith shoud have made his first start this coming week
32. Houston (0-5) - Thankfully, nobody cares at the moment
No Ben and no Hines Ward? This can't end well. No Taylor? That's... to be expected, quite frankly. I'm starting to think maybe the Steelers would've been better off with Charlie Batch - Maddox looks like he hasn't seen a football in two years. The Jags haven't been great by any means, but this game is begging to be stolen, and it's gonna happen right... oh, no, it's NOT. Byron overthrew that one. Did Mathis jump that route? Am I a prophet?
Chris Weinke's still alive?
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Browns-Ravens.
Ricky's BACK. And... is rendered inconsequential? And Brown isn't doing so well either. That'd be the Tampa D we all know and mostly fear. OMG a Chris Simms sighting? Are the Bucs really 5-1?
They gave up 28 points to that offense? Are we absolutely positive the boats returned to shore?
Flipped to the last two minutes of regulation in Giants-Cowboys and saw the turnovers graphic. I appear to have not missed anything particularly scintillating or even watchable. The Giants drafted Brandon Jacobs to be what Ron Dayne never ended up being (and even gave him Dayne's number), but he's so tall and he runs upright and that's what's gonna happen. I still don't know how Thomas didn't get nailed for a safety on that second-down run. I guess Shockey's back. Does anybody want to win this game? Ah, there we go. You know, after watching this, I suddenly feel better about our own chances.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bengals-Titans.
Oh, come on! Everybody holds! That was awful.
Who are you, and what have you done with Jake Plummer? You get the sense that everything is just adding up badly for the Patriots right now. Didn't we see this two weeks ago? Did that guy just hit him in the junk? What's that about? If Brady's going to pull this one out, he'd better get on the stick. Ah, here he comes, with Champ in the locker room to boot. But I'd like their chances better if Dillon was playing. And sure enough. The Bruschi announcement: inspiration or desperation? Discuss.
I think this Tomlinson kid's got a future in this league.
Shaq : 2004 Dolphins :: the Astros : 2005 Texans. Mr. Sunday Night is BACK.
See, this is how this offense is supposed to work. It'd be bad form to fire Martz right at this moment, wouldn't it? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. What kind of name is "Cato June" for a human being? OK, once again I don't know who the Rams' backup QB is. Jamie Martin? That sounds familiar and yet it doesn't. You know what nobody's talking about is the season Edge is having so far. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, there's something we've never seen before.
FANTASY REPORT
aPaFL Smackdown! (3-3, W1): We're back at .500 after a tough 101-89 win over an improved Mercs squad. Brunell continues to pick on bad defenses and put up shockingly good numbers.
JackSux (6-0, W6): Have I mentioned how much I love having Tomlinson on my team? Yahoo really needs to start increasing his projections -- I was projected to lose this game. Instead, I beat the tar out of poor Dupin to the tune of 120.28-52.20.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (6-0) - This was a test, and the Colts passed
2. Denver (5-1) - Plummer plays big in important win
3. San Diego (3-3) - I think they beat the Bengals
BOTTOM 3:
30. Minnesota (1-4) - 67 points, third-fewest in the league (Baltimore, No. 32)
31. San Francisco (1-4) - Alex Smith shoud have made his first start this coming week
32. Houston (0-5) - Thankfully, nobody cares at the moment
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 5: Raising Hell
View Finder: ATL @ HOU, TB @ NYJ, CHI @ CLE (last 1:00), NE @ ATL, ATL @ HOU (still), PHI @ DAL, ATL @ HOU (yes, STILL)
No Vick? Well, the Falcons are losing, then. This is going predictably as expected, isn't it? Oh, wait, wait a minute, what's this? They're rallying! Who's that guy? The punter? Is that the first time a punter's been iced? (That NEVER WORKS, you know.) Someone made the point that Vick wouldn't have been able to make some of the runs Schaub made because the Patriots would have been expecting it. Holy crap, the kid's gone and tied the game. How do YOU think this is gonna end?
The 3 is a bigger surprise than the 52. Discuss.
Two ejections? Is that a record? The Ravens were getting roasted in the papers after this farce, and rightly so.
This settles it... Vinny's clearly undead. It's a problem for the Bucs that they've already become so dependent on Cadillac that they're struggling so much without him. I'm shocked Ronde didn't get tossed for that -- even though he probably didn't mean to hit the ref, he still took a swing at somebody, and the league frowns upon that. Is Clayton injured or something? The idea at the end of the game is to throw toward either the sidelines or the end zone. That was neither.
In light of recent events, my "You mean Mike Martz doesn't normally not see what his team is doing and half-ass a game plan every week?" joke really isn't all that funny.
Hey, Fox, thanks for switching us to the Browns game *after* they made their comeback. That interception Dilfer threw early -- worst-thrown ball of the year?
The Original Alex Smith is starting against the Colts? This may be a mistake. I know he's gotta play, but to start him against these guys? If I'm a Colts fan, I might be a little worried that they're not really being tested so far.
Am I the only one who thinks Brunell could have run it in himself at the end?
Just copy the first half of last week's Eagles-Chiefs entry and paste it here, except for the "Hey, look, T.O.'s open" parts. The Cowboys threw the ball on three of their first four plays. To my recollection, that's the first time Parcells has ever done that. The difference between this game and last week is the Cowboys are actually playing defense for 60 minutes. I'm physically ill right now. The only thing that would have cheered me up was if Bledsoe had popped Keyshawn in the mouth. I'll say it: this was the Eagles' worst loss under Reid. Technically, someone has to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, right?
Chad resuscitating the ball~~~
Start the Bus! This really isn't gonna work if the Chargers keep settling for field goals. Forget I said that. And just like that it all goes for naught. You know, you can't keep a great back down. Ouch! Uh-oh... good thing the Steelers were already in field goal range because Maddox was already hurt. That didn't look good at all. This NEVER WORKS. See?
McAllister's done for the year? Is it too early to cross off the Saints?
FANTASY REPORT:
aPA SmackDown! (2-3, L1): This one really shouldn't have been as close as it was -- I was starting Chris Cooley as my second RB, for fuck's sake. Yet I only trailed Dave by seven going into Monday night, and had McCardell found the end zone, I would've won. Alas, I lost 66-60. The Ravens' D is getting dumped; I just don't know for who yet.
JackSux (5-0, W5): Newly signed fill-in Mark Brunell's shockingly good performance vaulted me over Rob, who didn't get a lot of help for an underperforming Peyton.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (5-0) - The last men standing
2. Pittsburgh (3-1) - Though Ben's staus could change things quickly
3. Denver (4-1) - I, for one, am surprised
BOTTOM 3:
30. Baltimore (1-3) - Another trendy pick eating dust
31. San Francisco (1-4) - At least they won't draft first again next year
32. Houston (0-4) - Some questions just don't have answers
No Vick? Well, the Falcons are losing, then. This is going predictably as expected, isn't it? Oh, wait, wait a minute, what's this? They're rallying! Who's that guy? The punter? Is that the first time a punter's been iced? (That NEVER WORKS, you know.) Someone made the point that Vick wouldn't have been able to make some of the runs Schaub made because the Patriots would have been expecting it. Holy crap, the kid's gone and tied the game. How do YOU think this is gonna end?
The 3 is a bigger surprise than the 52. Discuss.
Two ejections? Is that a record? The Ravens were getting roasted in the papers after this farce, and rightly so.
This settles it... Vinny's clearly undead. It's a problem for the Bucs that they've already become so dependent on Cadillac that they're struggling so much without him. I'm shocked Ronde didn't get tossed for that -- even though he probably didn't mean to hit the ref, he still took a swing at somebody, and the league frowns upon that. Is Clayton injured or something? The idea at the end of the game is to throw toward either the sidelines or the end zone. That was neither.
In light of recent events, my "You mean Mike Martz doesn't normally not see what his team is doing and half-ass a game plan every week?" joke really isn't all that funny.
Hey, Fox, thanks for switching us to the Browns game *after* they made their comeback. That interception Dilfer threw early -- worst-thrown ball of the year?
The Original Alex Smith is starting against the Colts? This may be a mistake. I know he's gotta play, but to start him against these guys? If I'm a Colts fan, I might be a little worried that they're not really being tested so far.
Am I the only one who thinks Brunell could have run it in himself at the end?
Just copy the first half of last week's Eagles-Chiefs entry and paste it here, except for the "Hey, look, T.O.'s open" parts. The Cowboys threw the ball on three of their first four plays. To my recollection, that's the first time Parcells has ever done that. The difference between this game and last week is the Cowboys are actually playing defense for 60 minutes. I'm physically ill right now. The only thing that would have cheered me up was if Bledsoe had popped Keyshawn in the mouth. I'll say it: this was the Eagles' worst loss under Reid. Technically, someone has to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, right?
Chad resuscitating the ball~~~
Start the Bus! This really isn't gonna work if the Chargers keep settling for field goals. Forget I said that. And just like that it all goes for naught. You know, you can't keep a great back down. Ouch! Uh-oh... good thing the Steelers were already in field goal range because Maddox was already hurt. That didn't look good at all. This NEVER WORKS. See?
McAllister's done for the year? Is it too early to cross off the Saints?
FANTASY REPORT:
aPA SmackDown! (2-3, L1): This one really shouldn't have been as close as it was -- I was starting Chris Cooley as my second RB, for fuck's sake. Yet I only trailed Dave by seven going into Monday night, and had McCardell found the end zone, I would've won. Alas, I lost 66-60. The Ravens' D is getting dumped; I just don't know for who yet.
JackSux (5-0, W5): Newly signed fill-in Mark Brunell's shockingly good performance vaulted me over Rob, who didn't get a lot of help for an underperforming Peyton.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (5-0) - The last men standing
2. Pittsburgh (3-1) - Though Ben's staus could change things quickly
3. Denver (4-1) - I, for one, am surprised
BOTTOM 3:
30. Baltimore (1-3) - Another trendy pick eating dust
31. San Francisco (1-4) - At least they won't draft first again next year
32. Houston (0-4) - Some questions just don't have answers
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Strange Days
View Finder: CHW @ CLE, STL @ NYG, SD @ NE (middle), PHI @ WSH, PHI @ KC
The winner of the inaugural Fred Taylor Memorial "Offense Gets Its Licks Back" Award: Kevin Jones. Hey, a Michael Pittman sighting. Hold everything; the Lions are coming. Touchdown! What? WHAT? Holy Christ, the Lions got jobbed. He was in. That wasn't even close. Before everybody gets all giddy, the Bucs' schedule? Heavily back-loaded.
Vinatieri MISSED? All right, I'm gonna say it: something's gone awry here. It's like the Chargers have a magnet or something on the spot where Harrison would normally be. Tomlinson continues to run wild. When did it change from "Foxboro" to "Foxborough"? When did that happen? I haven't seen Brady look this off since the Miami Monday Night game last year, and we all know how that turned out. Wow. This was just an ass-kicking. Remember when the Pats were shut out in the season opener against the Bills the week after they cut Milloy? This was worse. Marty: "At what point in time are you pushed over the edge because you can't go on replacing good players forever?"
IT LIVES! IT LIVES! THE COLTS' OFFENSE LIVES!!! [/Frankenstein]
I don't remember even the '86 Giants being able to just put up points in bunches like this. See, the tricky thing about the double reverse is, you have to make sure that the ball gets into someebody's hands. What we have here are two teams that are clearly going to struggle stopping people. This kid Eli? I think he's gonna be all right.
Is anyone else wondering why the Seahawks didn't try to get closer?
There've been, like, three AFC late games all season so far. What must it have been like to be Anthony Wright here, to look across the field and actually see a quarterback more overmatched than you?
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brooks Bollinger; 2. Charles Rogers; 3. The poor bastard on the Bucs who Jones plowed over; 4. In any way associated with the Packers; 5. The 49ers after the first eight minutes.
Speaking of inauspicious starts, if you ever want to see everything go wrong for a team in the first 20 minutes of a football game, just watch the Eagles here. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. There's no better way to potentially turn a game around than running an interception back for a touchdown. And there's no better way to piss all that momentum away by allowing the ensuing kickoff to be returned for a touchdown. Can we put out an APB on Brian Westbrook? Hey, look, T.O.'s open. Really? The Chiefs have never blown a 17-point halftime lead? That's a long time considering they were an AFL franchise. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. It was absolutely comical how often that happened. Did they forget who he was? Can we put out an APB on Tony Gonzalez? That settles it; Donovan should never be healthy again. Dawkins said "They don't score on us again" and they damn near pulled it off. You're going to think I'm crazy as an Eagles fan for saying this, but this should never have happened.
"...the Georgia Dome fans gasping when they realized who was injured." The Hawks could only dream of such a response. Did Culpepper just get sacked again?
Cowboys, Raiders. Cowboys, Raiders. Lethal injection, the chair. Lethal injection, the chair.
I predict this game will do irreparable damage to U.S./Mexican relations. The Cardinals have never seen a crowd like this. ¡PROTEJA EL BALOMPIÉ! COMPRENDE? It's a statement of something when Neil Rackers is easily the best player on the field. I can't remember a more roundabout way to get to 21 points. I have to question Nolan bringing in The Original Alex Smith at this point in the game. All this talk about a quarterback controversy in Arizona? Stop it. Just stop it.
Well. That's the opposite of what the Packers needed. Again, where the hell is Ahman Green? Did Martin actually catch that? Then Ferguson got the ball taken out of his hands. That's where Ken Lucas ended up? (Not that I cared; I just found it odd.) Foster dragged that guy further than he dragged Simoneau in the NFC title game three years ago. I thought he was the speed back. I guess Good Brett escaped his chains and got out to the field for the second half. We've seen this movie before, haven't we? And look -- there's a conveniently placed "Brett Favre On Monday Night Football" highlights package! Didn't this happen about 29 hours ago? Oh, wait, never mind. Was this the alternate ending of the Eagles-Chiefs game and nobody told us?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (2-2, W1): The Colts' passing game finally came alive, and new QB Mark Brunell actually didn't suck out loud and I beat Charlie fairly easily. The search for another running back continues in earnest.
JackSux (4-0, W4): This is eerily similar to the tSC league last year. I'm just rolling over people. This week's big performers were the Falcons' defense and Tomlinson, of course. I need a quarterback for next week against Rob since Pennington was my backup, but there aren't any good matchups out there for the available candidates.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis - And there are the rest of the cylinders
2. Philadelphia - That doesn't happen at Arrowhead
3. (tie) San Diego - That doesn't happen at Foxboro(-ugh)
3. (tie) Cincinnati - Now it starts to get tough
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco - One less place to seek asylum
31. Houston - So much for that
32. Green Bay - Is it 1985 again?
The winner of the inaugural Fred Taylor Memorial "Offense Gets Its Licks Back" Award: Kevin Jones. Hey, a Michael Pittman sighting. Hold everything; the Lions are coming. Touchdown! What? WHAT? Holy Christ, the Lions got jobbed. He was in. That wasn't even close. Before everybody gets all giddy, the Bucs' schedule? Heavily back-loaded.
Vinatieri MISSED? All right, I'm gonna say it: something's gone awry here. It's like the Chargers have a magnet or something on the spot where Harrison would normally be. Tomlinson continues to run wild. When did it change from "Foxboro" to "Foxborough"? When did that happen? I haven't seen Brady look this off since the Miami Monday Night game last year, and we all know how that turned out. Wow. This was just an ass-kicking. Remember when the Pats were shut out in the season opener against the Bills the week after they cut Milloy? This was worse. Marty: "At what point in time are you pushed over the edge because you can't go on replacing good players forever?"
IT LIVES! IT LIVES! THE COLTS' OFFENSE LIVES!!! [/Frankenstein]
I don't remember even the '86 Giants being able to just put up points in bunches like this. See, the tricky thing about the double reverse is, you have to make sure that the ball gets into someebody's hands. What we have here are two teams that are clearly going to struggle stopping people. This kid Eli? I think he's gonna be all right.
Is anyone else wondering why the Seahawks didn't try to get closer?
There've been, like, three AFC late games all season so far. What must it have been like to be Anthony Wright here, to look across the field and actually see a quarterback more overmatched than you?
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brooks Bollinger; 2. Charles Rogers; 3. The poor bastard on the Bucs who Jones plowed over; 4. In any way associated with the Packers; 5. The 49ers after the first eight minutes.
Speaking of inauspicious starts, if you ever want to see everything go wrong for a team in the first 20 minutes of a football game, just watch the Eagles here. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. There's no better way to potentially turn a game around than running an interception back for a touchdown. And there's no better way to piss all that momentum away by allowing the ensuing kickoff to be returned for a touchdown. Can we put out an APB on Brian Westbrook? Hey, look, T.O.'s open. Really? The Chiefs have never blown a 17-point halftime lead? That's a long time considering they were an AFL franchise. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. It was absolutely comical how often that happened. Did they forget who he was? Can we put out an APB on Tony Gonzalez? That settles it; Donovan should never be healthy again. Dawkins said "They don't score on us again" and they damn near pulled it off. You're going to think I'm crazy as an Eagles fan for saying this, but this should never have happened.
"...the Georgia Dome fans gasping when they realized who was injured." The Hawks could only dream of such a response. Did Culpepper just get sacked again?
Cowboys, Raiders. Cowboys, Raiders. Lethal injection, the chair. Lethal injection, the chair.
I predict this game will do irreparable damage to U.S./Mexican relations. The Cardinals have never seen a crowd like this. ¡PROTEJA EL BALOMPIÉ! COMPRENDE? It's a statement of something when Neil Rackers is easily the best player on the field. I can't remember a more roundabout way to get to 21 points. I have to question Nolan bringing in The Original Alex Smith at this point in the game. All this talk about a quarterback controversy in Arizona? Stop it. Just stop it.
Well. That's the opposite of what the Packers needed. Again, where the hell is Ahman Green? Did Martin actually catch that? Then Ferguson got the ball taken out of his hands. That's where Ken Lucas ended up? (Not that I cared; I just found it odd.) Foster dragged that guy further than he dragged Simoneau in the NFC title game three years ago. I thought he was the speed back. I guess Good Brett escaped his chains and got out to the field for the second half. We've seen this movie before, haven't we? And look -- there's a conveniently placed "Brett Favre On Monday Night Football" highlights package! Didn't this happen about 29 hours ago? Oh, wait, never mind. Was this the alternate ending of the Eagles-Chiefs game and nobody told us?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (2-2, W1): The Colts' passing game finally came alive, and new QB Mark Brunell actually didn't suck out loud and I beat Charlie fairly easily. The search for another running back continues in earnest.
JackSux (4-0, W4): This is eerily similar to the tSC league last year. I'm just rolling over people. This week's big performers were the Falcons' defense and Tomlinson, of course. I need a quarterback for next week against Rob since Pennington was my backup, but there aren't any good matchups out there for the available candidates.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis - And there are the rest of the cylinders
2. Philadelphia - That doesn't happen at Arrowhead
3. (tie) San Diego - That doesn't happen at Foxboro(-ugh)
3. (tie) Cincinnati - Now it starts to get tough
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco - One less place to seek asylum
31. Houston - So much for that
32. Green Bay - Is it 1985 again?
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