Monday, October 28, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Eyes Aloft

2nd and 26? Good job, Jets. Also still not very good: the Patriots' offense. Dude on the Pats' defense just tried to give Breece Hall a gutbuster. It wasn't very good, and he got caught and flagged for unnecessary roughness. Touchdown LAZARD?

Um, Hall got in. What are we doing here? Call REVERSED. 14-0 Jets. Hall with three stiff-arms on one run. Rodgers just overthrows Garrett Wilson. Legatron shanks it left! That ball came out like a pancake. Brissett gets drilled on this Hail Mary attempt and it's 14-3 Jets at halftime. This isn't going to get any better, is it? Hey, a Drake Maye sighting. (Jets 24, Patriots 3)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NO, MIA @ SEA, BAL @ DAL

Malik Willis is lighting the Titans up. They did him no favors while he was there. Are they just bad? (Packers 30, Titans 14)

Feels like either a long day or a short one. Saints can't be stopped. Carter knocks down Carr's third down pass and the Saints kick the field goal, which takes a weird hook before going through.

Eagles do nothing. CJ comes up with this pass intended for Shaheed but it's ruled incomplete, ad he knocked it to the turf when he punched it out. Hurts to Goedert for 44! Hurts gets picked off by Honey Badger in the end zone! Olsen puts it on Smith for not running a better route.


Carter knocks down another pass. Hurts gets flushed out of the pocket and fumbles. This is a disaster. Becton and Lane Johnson go out for the Eagles on the same play? Not great! Pam reports that Lane's been sick and throwing up, and after the two-minute warning, we see Becton trying to work his left hand. Hurts takes off for 20. Now they're saying Lane's concussed. Meanwhile, Saints center Erik McCoy got hurt on their first drive and has been ruled out. They run a fake on the Shove on 4th and 1 and give it to Saquon, who goes left — but doesn't make it! Saints lead 3-0 at halftime. They go for it AGAIN and Hurts gets sacked. Sirianni and Moore haven't made a single right call in a crucial situation all day. Especially here, with two backup offensive lineman in, you have to kick the field goal here. I know you weren't expecting to end up in a rock fight, but you're in one, and you've got to act accordingly.

Quinyon Mitchell breaks up a pass he probably could have picked. Now Devonta's out with a concussion? That's what that cheap shot on him was.

SAQUON!~ 65 yards and the Eagles lead. They're really trying a 60-yarder here? Elliott kicks it right and it's not even close. Saints lose 15 after getting a first down due to unnecessary roughness. Now Slay's coming off. Touchdown Olave with nobody near him. Saints go for two and don't get it. 12-7 Saints with 2:09 left. It's over. GOEDERT?!? 60 yards down to the Saints' 5! Touchdown Barkley, and I'm not sure the Saints let them score there. Eagles line up to go for two and I'd just do that again. They do, and it works. 15-12 with 1:01 left. Interception by Blankenship! He's really good at those diving picks.

I don't see anything that'll overturn this. Call STANDS. What a completely undeserved win. But you take them any way you can get them.

Also, I just learned that's their first win in the Superdome in 17 YEARS. (Eagles 15, Saints 12)

What the hell, Texans? (Vikings 34, Texans 7)

Myers from 56? GOOD. Now Sanders will try from 57 but he pushes it left.


Geno with along ball to DK inside the 5. Touchdown Charbonnet. Myers misses from 53. Fourth and 39? Good job, Dolphins. Like, I said last week Tua shouldn't play again at least this season, but this season might be over if this keeps up. Now Skylar's down. Tim Boyle warming up. Skylar favoring his right arm and Boyle's in the game. Campbell knocks this pass from Geno into the air and Seiler comes up with it! The Dolphins get a break for once. Shot of Marino in a suite. Surprisingly, he is not on the phone with anyone, but there's a lot of game left. Charbonnet touchdown seals it. (Seahawks 24, Dolphins 3)

Cowboys win the toss and take the ball. They're out of sorts. Two false starts? Lamar scores on a keeper after a good drive. Aubrey hits from 65! Sicko behavior. Remember that 71-yarder he almost tried last week? Burkhardt says McCarthy wanted to do it but got talked out of it. Agholor jukes the rookie and gets 51 after the catch. Henry punches it on the second try. Cowboys put Parsons on top of the center on a blitz and he forces Lamar to throw short. This Dak play in the end zone is a lot: If it's intentional grounding, it's a safety, because Dak wasn't down, but the only Cowboy in the area was his left tackle. There also might be illegal touching, which is what they go with, giving the Cowboys a break. Cowboys cannot get a stop. Touchdown Bateman. They cut to Dak on the sideline and I thought he'd thrown a pick that led to this, but the Cowboys just couldn't stop the Ravens. Then a hold offsets the obvious pass interference in the end zone and the Cowboys have to settle for a 51-yard field goal.


Cowboys have nothing for Henry. And again. 26-yard touchdown and it's 28-6. Van Noy gets to Dak for the second time today. Dak follows up a bullet to Jake Ferguson by dropping the ball in the pocket. Brady's already done with the Cowboys. Tucker misses from 46 but I doubt it'll matter. Touchdown Tolbert. Cowboys go for two but don't get it. That is NOT roughing the passer. Touchdown Turpin and oh my God, are the Ravens about to do it AGAIN? Lamar keeps it and gets the first down! That's that. (Ravens 28, Cowboys 25)

Jauan Jennings has three touchdown against a Rams team that isn't very good. Atwell TOASTED Charvarius Ward. Touchdown Williams and we're somehow tied. That's a good punt. That's a BETTER return. Rams ball at midfield. So many flags, and the Rams take the one for pass interference that's 25 yards. Who's this guy? The guy that just won the game for the Rams, that's who. (Rams 27, 49ers 24)

Cool intro from Samuel L. Jackson talking about selling concessions for the first year of Falcons football while attending Morehouse College. I mean, the Eagles didn't leave Drake London THAT wide open last week. No Pacheco tonight for the Chiefs, as he's down with an ankle injury. Justin Simmons picks off Mahomes in the end zone! That's his sixth interception of Mahomes in his career. Mahomes pump fakes three times and finds Watson for a big first down. Touchdown Rice and we're tied. Cousins hits Pits down the sideline for 54! Bijan scores on the next play. They're not booing, they're saying "Koo." Bijan kicks a fumble out of bounds, which is definitely against the rules. Butker's third field goal puts the Chiefs in front. Touchdown Juju. Butker's PAT misses right, so it's 22-14.


Why are the flags at the top of the goal posts moving? It's a dome. The roof is open tonight. I stand corrected. Bates punches the ball out of Kelce's hands to force a punt. Snap goes high, Matt Ariaza (so this is where he ended up) manages to get the punt off, then Avery Williams fumbles it! But he's ruled down. Falcons driving. How does Cook NOT get called for DPI on Pitts? The Falcons pass on the field goal and Cousins and London can't connect again. Nick Bolton does what CJGJ did on Monday night. Difference is, now the game's over. (Chiefs 22, Falcons 17)

Allen hits rookie Keon Coleman in stride and it's 20-3 Bills. Damar Hamlin with the interception! Crowd goes NUTS. Lawrence overthrew Brian Thomas and there it was. Khalil Shakir makes a Jaguar miss and he takes off. He's tacked at the goal line and falls into the end zone. 27-3 Bills.


Touchdown Ty Johnson and it's 34-3 at halftime. Not that it matters, but the Jaguars had goal to go and ended up at the 18 on fourth and goal, and Von Miller murdered the right tackle.

It's gotten bad for the Jaguars. Trent Baalke may be the worst GM in the league. Press Taylor is a Chris Jericho-esque albatross. Doug may have been the worst coach in the league his last year in Philadelphia. Trevor Lawrence looks lost. Mac Jones fumbled. No, that actually just happened. (Bills 47, Jaguars 10)

Bomb to Chase and the Bengals are on the board first. Commanders strike back with a Brian Robinson touchdown. Tee Higgins back? Commanders back on the move. Wait, that's where Austin Ekeler ended up? He's got a touchdown and the Commanders have got the lead. MacPherson makes it 14-10. You know who's been good tonight is Jayden Daniels. And he just threw a bomb to McLaurin for 56! Then he keeps it and scores. BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN for reserve lineman Trent Scott.


Chase Brown with a tough run. Burrow just overthrows Higgins and he can't get both feet down. They go for it and Iosivas just gets over the line. You don't need to go for two just yet, Bengals. But they do and get it. 28-20. Daniels SLIDES! Stop the presses! Dude was notorious for having zero disregard for his own body in college. Field goal makes it 31-20. CHASE! These guys can't cover him one-on-one. Two-point try fails and it's 31-26 with 9:42 left as the Bengals beg for a flag they should have gotten. Zach Ertz as a Commander is just wrong. But him as the safety valve on 4th and 5? That's right. Touchdown McLaurin! He's set Taylor-Britt on fire tonight. Daniels got absolutely pasted on that throw, too. These defenses have been not good. That's interference. Bengals get a touchdown but the onside kick fails. They're 0-3 and they've got problems. No turnovers or punts? What? (Commanders 38, Bengals 33)

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Saturday, October 5, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Cutting Three Ways

Josh Allen's hand is all kinds of wrapped up. Al describes Tyreek's Sunday as "a weekend he'll never forget." Really? Interception! Pass went off the receiver's shoulder pads and right to a Bills defender. Herbstreit points out that the receiver's really new here. Bills go for it on fourth down and James Cook is wide open for an easy touchdown. Touchdown Achane. Bills get another pick as the receiver stops and Benford doesn't. That was a weird way to announce the important folks on this field goal. 10-7 Bills. Wait. 24-7? Cook just scored again but did I miss a touchdown? The Bills have won four of their last five against the Dolphins and it looks like this is headed for five out of six. This is... not the greatest clock management. At least they made the field goal at the end of all that. 24-10 Bills at halftime. Oh, Jesus. Pick-six and that's one's Tua's fault alone. 31-10 Bills.

Well shit. Is Skylar Thompson still the backup? And what was Tua thinking there, running directly into Hamlin like that? Man, the discourse postgame is more heavily slanted towards "he shouldn't play again" than it's ever been. I think he should sit for the rest of the season at minimum. And given how the Dolphins' offense falls off a cliff when he's out, well... this may turn out to be a franchise-altering night. (Bills 31, Dolphins 10)

Signal Finder: NO @ DAL, NYJ @ TEN, NYG @ WSH (end), LV @ BAL (end), CIN @ KC

Saints march down the field on the opening drive. Touchdown Kamara. That's concerning.


Dak missing deep late. That one that was intended for Lamb (and that the refs only called offensive holding on) was uncatchable. The ball wasn't even on screen during the replay. Aubrey hits from 52. The Saints immediately come back with a bomb to Shaheed for a 70-yard touchdown! 14-3.
Saints have to kick off from their 20 after a penalty on the PAT, which means they have to kick it to Turpin. Good return to near the 40. Good drive for the Cowboys ends with a sack on third and 10. Another kick makes it 14-6. Screen to Kamara and he's got blockers. He's gonna go! Touchdown Saints! This is not last year's Saints offense and the Cowboys are in the spin cycle. Two Saints get crossed up, Lamb slips through them and he's gone. All this motion is wrecking the Cowboys. Kamara down the sideline! Kamara gets to the edge and there's another touchdown. He's not as fast as he used to be, but he can still move it. Now Dak gets picked off! The receiver fell down and we've got a return here, too. Saints start at the Cowboys' 20. Olave with a leaping catch at the 1! Carr sneaks it in. It's 35-13. It seems like the Cowboys have a truly embarrassing home loss every other season. Kamara breaks a tackle, bounces it outside, and scores! That's his fourth touchdown! And now Zack Martin's being helped off the field. Carr gets picked off by Donovan Wilson and is there a chance here? Zack Martin back in. And the Cowboys give it right back! Honey Badger jumped right in front of that pass. Well, that's that.

(Saints 44, Cowboys 19)

Will Levis isn't good.



So here's what happened: Harlan's calling 49ers-Vikings and threw to the studio for a Game Break, and you can hear Nate Burleson saying "I can't hear you." So Harlan just called the highlight of Levis's touchdown to Calvin Ridley to tie the game, then went right back to his own game. Legend. Braelon Allen (who?) goes in untouched from 22 yards and the Jets lead with 4:43 left. The Jets... can't tackle Levis? Sack! Fourth and goal from the 16. Incomplete. Tyler Boyd's a Titan? I missed that. Kind of like he missed that catch. I'm sorry, that was mean. (Jets 24, Titans 17)

Daniel Jones threw a touchdown pass? To a fellow Giant? Stop the presses. We come to Giants-Commanders tied at 18 right after the two-minute warning. Malik Nabers is mad about something. Giants can't contain Robinson. Austin Siebert on for his seventh(!!!) field goal try today. It's GOOD! The Commanders scored 21 points and won with no touchdowns. This is an indictment, but I'm not sure of who. (Commanders 21, Giants 18)

The Raiders came back after a bad start and we're somehow tied with 2:39 left when CBS arrives. That's a terrible punt. And then a Ravens player went out of bounds on the kick, so it's five yards shorter. That may be the game. Ravens call their last time out with 1:57 left. Raiders go ahead with 27 seconds left. Likely can't bring it in on the far sideline. One second left. Lamar starts pitchy pitchy woo woo with a 35-yard run by himself, but there's an illegal forward pass in there somewhere. Catalon: "The game is over, and so are a lot of survivor pools in this country." (Raiders 26, Ravens 23)

Burrow finds Gesicki, who finds room after coming across the field and gets inside the 10. Chiefs hold and the Bengals settle for three. Chiefs making it look easy. Pacheco! Mahomes slips on fourth and 1 but still gets the ball to fullback Carson Steele, who gets the first down. This time the Bengals hold and the Chiefs can only tie it. Mahomes gets picked off to end the first quarter.


Touchdown Iosivas! Did he get that right foot down? He did. Mahomes dives for a first down. Rice beats Taylor-Britt down the sideline for an easy score. Refs miss defensive pass interference, then Steele fumbles on the next play and the Bengals recover. Chiefs accept this offensive holding penalty to make it 3rd and 14. Romo says it's risky. The Bengals get nine yards back and McPherson hits from 48. Butker from 68?? Yeah, I doubt they'll actually do this. Tracy says he hit from 66 in practice. Yeah, here comes the punt team. Kelce gets to the 1. Touchdown... Wanya Morris? From Boys II Men? Chiefs lead. Now the Bengals are driving. This feels like an important goal line stand. Bengals go for it from the 3, as they probably should against the Chiefs. Touchdown Iosivas AGAIN. PAT goes wide right, and that WILL matter later. Taylor-Britt wins round 2 with a leaping interception. Burrow fumbles? Touchdown Chiefs? Let's see. The camera from the far end zone seems to show that the balls out. Touchdown! Two-point try fails and it's 23-22 Chiefs. Chase is angry about something on the sideline. Nantz wonders if he thought his face mask was grabbed or if he thought he was getting hip drop tackled. And HE just got hit with a penalty. Two minutes left. Kelce gets the first down, but it's erased by a holding call. Fourth and 16. Incomplete... but there's a flag, and that's DPI.

Yeah. It's not even Hanlon's Razor because the call was correct. It's just that this keeps happening.

Butker from 51. It's GOOD! (Chiefs 26, Bengals 25)

This is the first Sunday Night Football game in Houston in five years. Roof is OPEN. The hook for this matchup is Williams vs. Stroud, and their moms do the intro. Santos DOINKS one off the crossbar camera but it still goes through to tie it 3-3. After the commercial Tirico says that the camera is mounted on the back of the crossbar so that if the ball does hit it, you know the kick is good. Texans go for it on fourth and 1, roll Stroud out, and he finds the tight end for a first down. Touchdown Collins. Bears blow a challenge on an obvious Diggs catch. Stroud with a ridiculous throw on the run to Collins. Diggs is ruled short of the first down, and I'm disappointed they're kicking the field goal here. It's 6 inches! Then the Bears go for it on about the same distance from their own 40. Are we sure Herbert got that? Tirico recalls the nutty last week of the 2022 season that started the ball rolling on all of this. Marcedes Lewis is STILL playing? Graphic shows he was taken five picks before DeMeco Ryans, WHO NOW COACHES THE TEXANS. Touchdown Herbert, the Bears' offense's first of the season. This Collins catch on the sideline... hmmm. Booth looks at it, and the call STANDS. Then the Texans false start and they may be out of field goal range. Fairbairn from 59. It's GOOD! I forgot he has a 61-spot on his belt. Chain gang guy is down? He backed up because a play was coming in and fell backwards and hit his head, Melissa says. Caleb throws a bad pick, but the Texans got caught holding. We got a situation on the Bears sideline after Caleb gets hit on it. He was more inbounds on this one that he was on an earlier one. Oh, the refs missed Al-Shaair throwing a punch. He absolutely should have been tossed.



Then Will Anderson sacks Caleb to end this drive. This is a McCarthy-esque challenge by Eberflus on this would-be interception. That ball hit the ground. Now Caleb throws a pick that'll stand. Fairbairn from 53 makes it 19-10. Lassiter gets Caleb AGAIN, and that might be it even with 12:55 left. He may have been trying to throw it away and just didn't throw it high enough. FUMBLE? Bears are adamant they have it. Bears recover at their own 3! That Caleb scramble is the longest play of the night. Late intentional grounding flag comes out. Kmet picks up the first down. Caleb misses D.J. Moore and the Bears have to try a 54-yarder. It's good.

Bears will get one more chance after all. Caleb under pressure AGAIN. Yeah, this isn't happening. (Texans 19, Bears 13)

A quarterback draw on third and 9? OK then. Bijan is spinny. Grant Calcaterra getting some run early. The Falcons can't tackle Saquon. Hurts had Goedert for a moment. They're going for it on 4th and 4? This is a bad decision. Incomplete. I thought Mitchell had that interception. Allgaier making moves. Bijan just drops the ball but he gets back on it. Cousins pulls his pass back for some reason and gets one yard on third down. Field goal is good. Everyone remains 0 for third down. Hurts takes it himself and converts fourth and 3. Really? We're calling delay of game for that? The Eagles haven't done a great job protecting Hurts, but he escapes again and gets 15 on third and 11. Touchdown Smith!


Refs pick up a holding call on the Falcons. Graham sacks Cousins, but the refs call illegal contact on Dean. No one has covered McCloud in two weeks. He gets flagged for grabbing CJ's face mask after CJ ripped his mouthpiece out.

Falcons running over the Eagles now. But they get a stop on first down, and two Cousins incompletions follow. Field goal is good.

Boathouse Row in green tonight. 7-6 Eagles at halftime. Falcons come out running again to start the third quarter. Milton Williams with a sack on third and goal. Field goal puts the Falcons up 9-7. Jason Kelce joins Buck and Aikman in the booth. Buck announcer jinxes Hurts into a sack. He recovers with a nice throw to Smith. Smith with another juggling catch. Eagles quickly shift this field goal try into a fake, but Jason correctly calls that they're just trying to trick the Falcons into a penalty here. It doesn't work, and Elliott kicks a 29-yarder. Footage of Jason and Lane Johnson at WrestleMania. Falcons going for it on 4th and 4 and Cousins finds McCloud. Darnell Mooney wrecks CJGJ for a touchdown, first putting a move on him, then breaking a bad tackle attempt. Falcons go for two but the pass is broken up. Hurts finds Covey on the run. Shove time! Got it. Kelce: "I don't miss that play. Not one bit." This game is flying by. Hurts takes off again. Barkley's knee is down on this catch, and he's short, but they do get the first down. Barkley fantasy owners in shambles. Shove for six. Eagles go for two here. They give it to Barkley, and I'm not sure he made it. I think he jumped too early. Officials say he got it! Oh, there it is on the second effort. Eagles up 18-15. Pitts gets stopped short of the marker. Falcons go for it and Bijan gets stuffed! Screen to Barkley gets a first down. Barkley is ruled short of the first down after the two minute warning, which Aikman says actually helps the Eagles, because the Falcons will have to burn a time out here. A Falcons player just jumps offside. Absolutely intentional. The Eagles smartly decline it. Shove is successful again. Saquon drops a third down pass, and Elliott makes a 28-yarder after Braden Mann controls a bad snap. Zero pressure on Cousins and the Falcons are in the red zone in four plays.

Touchdown Drake London. An unsportsmanlike conduct flag for celebration makes this PAT 48 yards but Koo's not gonna miss it after that. Hurts throws deep under pressure and Bates picks it off. Cousins has won four of his last five Monday night starts? Huh. Both teams got what they deserved. (Falcons 22, Eagles 21)
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Sunday, September 15, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: The Recipe

And we start off with... a weather delay? Apparently there's LIGHTNING, and we won't get going until 8:40. We kick off on time! Ravens get the ball first after the kickoff lands in the end zone. Flag on the first play. They get Ronnie Stanley for lining up too far back off the line of scrimmage. Cris notes that the league said they were going to emphasize that this season, which means they'll be ignoring it completely by Week 5. Didn't the Ravens sign Derrick Henry so that Lamar wouldn't have to do this any more? Touchdown 22. They give Xavier Worthy the ball on a reverse and he just kind of runs just a little faster than anyone else. Touchdown on his first NFL touch and it's 7-7.

CRIMES. Justin Madubuike changed his name to Nnamdi on Tuesday. Lamar fumbles and its Chiefs ball in the red zone already. Butker makes the field goal. No targets for Travis yet. Agholor whiffs on a block, thwarting the Ravens going for it on fourth down. Mahomes finally finds Travis on a busted play on third and 12. And there's our first shot of Taylor. Mahomes just broke Len Dawson's career passing yards record. Tucker MISSES from 53! We're done here. Mahomes gets picked off! Tucker hits and it's 13-10 at halftime. Chiefs suddenly finding holes in the Ravens' defense. LOL Pacheco kept that pile on its feet for about 10 seconds before finally scoring.

Mahomes pulls a Lamar and catches his own pass, but he does it with two guys on him. Ravens will have another shot. Lamar finds Bateman at the 11! Was he touched? (Yes.) Likely is hurt in the end zone after Lamar overthrows him. Don't you have to spike it there? Oh no, Flowers was wide open and didn't see it? No, that was a bad throw. LIKELY??? That's close. That's SO CLOSE. That first foot might be on the line. Call REVERSED. Wow. (Chiefs 27, Ravens 20)

This is BRAZIL!


Gotta love loopholes. Sao Paulo has 23 million people? Dude named Zeeba's singing the anthem. Both teams had 12 men on the field, negating this Jayden Reed touchdown. I don't think I've ever seen that. Rookie Quinyon Mitchell with good coverage on Watson. Packers go for it on 4th and 6, but they jump, and now they'll punt. Saquon slips on his first carry and loses five yards. Hurts throws late into triple coverage and ex-Giant Xavier McKinney picks it off. Baun with a sack, but Jalen Carter gets called for a personal foul. Sloppy game so far. Packers get three out of it. Early snap hits the ground and the Packers recover. Eagles stuff Jacobs on third and 1, but he gets fourth and 2 after a second push. OPI on Doubs. And now Watson slips in the end zone or he'd have had a touchdown. Hey, an Eagles first down! Another one! Shove time? Hard count draws the Packers offside. Hurts lofts one to Saquon for a touchdown! I say "lofts" but it was basically perfectly placed.

Packers burn their last time out with 10:24 left in the second. Jet sweep to Reed and this one will count. Two-point try is stuffed. MOTION!!! The first real Shove is successful.

Saquon! Love then finds a wide-open Reed for a 70-yard score. Hurts finds Smith on 4th and 3. Elliott field goal ends the half. 19-17 Packers. Bomb to A.J.! Touchdown! Refs letting nothing go. DPI on Maddox leads to a Watson touchdown. Blankenship with a diving interception! Three touchdowns for Saquon! CLANG and it's still 31-26 as the third quarter ends. Another bad Hurts decision and Jaire Alexander intercepts him in the end zone. Someone cover Reed. Why throw there? And an ineligible man downfield on top of it. Holding on the Packers bails them out.

Shouldn't the Packers be using their time outs here? Hurts to Smith for a first down. And AGAIN. That's ballsy but it worked. Elliott is money. The Packers return this kickoff out of the end zone? That wasn't smart. And again NO ONE covers Reed. Love down after the next play. Five seconds left. Love is helped off, as well as center Josh Byers. Malik Willis is the new backup and he's got the arm for a Hail Mary. He slips and Zack Baun brings him down to end it. Jebus. (Eagles 34, Packers 29)

Signal Finder: PIT @ ATL, NE @ CIN, ARZ @ BUF (end), TEN @ CHI (end), JAX @ MIA (end), DAL @ CLE

BIG news morning. Tyreek gets detained on his way to the game, the Cowboys finally reach a deal with Dak (more on that later) and Kendrick Lamar's doing the Super Bowl halftime. Suck it, Drake.


So let's break this down: The Steelers signed Russell Wilson after the Broncos cut him. Then they traded for Justin Fields when the Bears decided they were drafting Caleb Williams. Wilson then beat Justin Fields for the starting quarterback job. But he suffered a calf injury, so Fields is going to start. Meanwhile, the Falcons signed Kirk Cousins, who suffered a torn Achilles tendon last season, to a four-year contract. Then they drafted quarterback Michael Penix Jr. with the No. 8 overall pick. Got all that? Bijan's getting touches? Whoa. Things ARE different. Also, and I forgot about this, Arthur Smith, who the Falcons fired after least season, is the Steelers' new offensive coordinator. Steelers having snap problems. Boswell from 57(!!) to tie it at 3. Why is Ray-Ray McCloud the Falcons' best player right now? Steelers offside on a Cousins fumble. Touchdown Pitts! Is that his first one?

So the Steelers' punter took a long time to get that off, and there's a flag. It looks to me like the Falcons player was blocked into the punter. They call holding on the STEELERS and they have to punt again, but this guy is hurt. There's no way he can kick this. Boswell's gonna come in to punt. Cousins gets picked off! That's why I'm out on the Falcons. You KNOW you can't trust that man. Boswell makes it 18-10 with his sixth(?!) field goal of the day with 28 seconds left. (Steelers 18, Falcons 10)

Jamar Chase is out with an illness? Yeah, he's sick of Mike Brown's cheap ass. Burrow fumbles the snap but falls on it. Oh, he's playing? Never mind, then. Mike Gesicki hits the Griddy after an apparent touchdown, but it's overturned on review. Then Hudson fumbles on his way into the end zone and the Patriots recover! The Bengals are SO back. Fumble on a punt return? The Bengals are ABSOLUTELY back. Joey Slye makes it 13-0 Patriots. And the Patriots will run it out. You know what? Good for Jerod Mayo. (Patriots 16, Bengals 10)
So Sam Darnold completed his first 10 passes against the Giants.


You can guess how the rest of this went. (Vikings 28, Giants 6)


Simone BIles's husband just returned a blocked punt for a touchdown! What the hell, Levis? Pick-6 and the Bears lead. This is only the fourth time that the No. 1 pick has won the season opener in his debut. And the Bears didn't score a single offensive touchdown! (Bears 24, Titans 17)

Bills go up six with two minutes left. Oh, that's a bad drop. Why is Greg Dortsch the target there? You drafted Marvin Harrison Jr. for a reason. (Bills 34, Cardinals 28)


Sanders from 52. It's GOOD! And it all stems from Etienne's goal line fumble, which would have put the Jags up 27-7. Apparently after the game, Calais Campbell said he got put in cuffs by the same cops who stopped Tyreek. What the hell's going on down there? (Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17)

The Broncos have TWO safeties? In the SAME QUARTER?


Yeah, they're gonna be bad again this year, too. (Seahawks 26, Broncos 20)

So the Cowboys gave a guy who's never been to a conference championship game in eight years as a starter an $80 million signing bonus and $231 million guaranteed. This feels like the definition of insanity. Cowboys get the ball first.


Offensive holding, then a sack. Then a crappy punt that's returned into Cowboys territory. Then the Browns false start on 4th and 2. They're still going for it? Why are they trying to get the Cowboys to jump on 4th and 7? Just kick the field goal, you clowns. Hopkins hits from 51. Lamb wins that battle against Ward for a 44-yard gain. The Browns lose Cooks and he catches an easy touchdown. Mike Periera's back! Ward wins round 2 with a near-pick. These Brady promos are weird as hell. "Why don't you buy a soccer team?" "Got one." (I did not know he bought a stake in Birmingham City.) Did they rule that a catch? That's not a catch, and they expedited the review and realized it wasn't. Touchdown Zeke, which is all he's good for at this point. Tip drill pick for Eric Kendricks.

Why are they showing Brady watching his own Tostitos commercial? That was Edelman? The Cowboys brought Aubrey on to try a 66-yarder, he HIT it, but they didn't get it off in time. They're going for 71! Now the Browns call time. They're not gonna do this. They don't. 20-3 Cowboys at halftime. I know he doesn't have Chubb or his two starting tackles but Watson's looked terrible. Turpin with a punt return for a touchdown. Refs forget to give the Browns a first down. Christ. It's SECOND and goal. How did this happen? Touchdown Jerry Jeudy, which may be his first career one. (He was bad in Denver.)

(Cowboys 33, Browns 17; Buccaneers 37, Commanders 20)

Oooh, a new arrangement. I like it. Calvin Johnson doing the intro. Lions are jacked up. Good Rams drive suddenly gets throws into reverse. Third and 23? Sure. If I'm the Lions I'd be using Montgomery more in these short yardage situations. Good juke by Gibbs, though. Oh, this is close. Refs say no. Call REVERSED. Touchdown Lions. Bad throw by Stafford under pressure and he's picked in the end zone. Puka Nakua is out after being hurt earlier, coming back, and getting hurt again. Touchdown Jameson Williams, who put a double move on Tre'Davious White and set him on fire. If he's figured it out... Touchdown Kyren Williams. Yeah, that's interference. Lions hold Rams to three, which will matter later. John Johnson picks off Goff. Did he hold on? I think he did. Call STANDS. Rams ball. OK, that's great footwork by Kupp. The Rams did the Lions a favor by hurrying to get that next play off, because the Lions would have challenged it, and they would have lost. Touchdown Kupp and the Rams lead. This Gibbs run is interesting — if he's ruled down inbounds, does either team call timeout to save 10 seconds? He is, and they don't. Goff can't hit Gibbs, so they settle for a field goal try. We're tied 20-20 with 17 seconds left. Carlton Davis watches an interception go through his hands. Hutchinson sacks Stafford and we're going to overtime. Montgomery with a 31-yard blast. He's certainly fresh. Have the Lions attempted a pass on this drive? And should they, seeing how they're rolling the Rams here? Touchdown Montgomery! (Lions 26, Rams 20, OT)

No McCaffery? Uh-oh. Jets get the ball first. We're on a snap count. Even Buck's on it after two three-and-outs. (Also, Leonard Floyd, who took Rodgers out last year, is a 49er this year.) Warner punches the ball out of Breece Hall's grip and the 49ers have it. Deebo wearing 1 now. Moody puts the Niners on the board. Big catch by Garrett Wilson over Lenoir. Touchdown Hall on a drive that was all him and Wilson. Nice run by Jordan Mason, yet another undrafted (in his case) or low-drafted guy that a Shanahan has gotten a lot out of, as Buck mentions. And this 49ers' offesnsive line isn't even that great outside of Trent Williams. Double reverse to open the second quarter gets blown all the way up, but Deebo manages to salvage enough that the 49es can still try a kick.


It's good from 51. Mason slashes through for a touchdown, but Deebo gets caught holding. Redemption! Touchdown Deebo and it's 13-7 49ers. They'll get the ball to start the second half after another field goal. This Jets defense is gassed. They can't get a stop! Touchdown Mason. Interception! Rodgers had to rush that throw a little and Lenoir tipped it to a teammate.

Talk turns to the Hasson Reddick situation, which was COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE. Moody CLANGS one in from 53. Rodgers with a strike to Lazard on a free play. He can't keep getting away with this. They give it to Hall but he doesn't make it. 26-13. Legatron's kick hits in the landing zone before rolling in to the end zone, so it's 49ers ball at the 20. Jets can't convert third and 1 or fourth and 1.
Moody is 6 for 6. 32-13 with 4:20 left. This was a roasting. Wait. Is this...

It is! (49ers 32, Jets 19)
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