Saturday, October 21, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Bouncearound

The 49ers are walking down the field here almost despite Purdy's inaccuracy. And that's without Aiyuk. Giants get three of their own. 49ers punting on 4th and 1 from midfield? Cowards. That's a good punt though. Bosa sacks Jones and he's ruled down at the 1. Deebo picks his way through a screen and picks up 30 on 3rd and 15. Touchdown 49ers. Javon Hargrave with a sack on third down. Rookie Ronnie Bell, who scored the touchdown, catches a deflection off a high pass by Purdy that Deebo couldn't handle.

That's roughing the passer? Whatever. Purdy gets bailed out again, as Kittle didn't have the first down. McCaffrey cashes in. Slayton with a basket catch on the sideline. Paris Campbell falls, forcing the Giants to use their last time out. Jones overthrows Hodgins. Gano drills a 57-yarder. This is close but I think it's fair catch interference. Touchdown Brieda! Way too early to go for two, Giants. It doesn't work.

That's an obvious illegal contact on Thibodeaux, bailing out Purdy again,. Daboll not happy with the refs after the 49ers kick a field goal to go up eight. Jones misses Waller deep. Uncalled contact, but that's is OPI on Waller if anything. Big pickup by Kittle to end the third. Deebo fights off eight tackles before going down, and he stays down. for a bit before getting up and walking off. Three plays later he's back in and that's a touchdown. We're done here. Especially after that interception that was tipped TWICE before Mufanga got it. Tyrod in for Jones's own protection.

Al: "Avoids a sack, one that a lot of people wanted to see him take, for, well, you know what I'm talking about." Actually, no, this time I don't. He's gotta be talking about a prop, right? (49ers 30, Giants 12)

Signal Finder: NE @ NYJ, NO @ GB, LAC @ MIN (end), IND @ BAL (end), DAL @ AZ

The wind's starting to pick up. Jets get the ball first. Jets audible right into an unblocked rusher. Romo: "That's a bad check." Nantz: "Most bad checks bounce back. That one did for a loss." Mac broke Romo's record for completions in the first two games of a season with 66. Patriots' kicker Chad Ryland wears No. 37 because why not. Patriots lead for the first time this season? Hall fumbles but manages to fall on it.


Mac finds Bourne with a laser beam. Defensive Michael Carter almost gets a pick off a deflection. I thought he had caught it, personally. This time Ryland misses from 48. It's a lot mistier at MetLife Headquarters than it was in the first quarter. Wilson immediately loses 12 on a sack. Then he pulls the string on a pass that falls incomplete (and may have been picked off if he threw it, and he seemed to realize that). Jets go three and out to boos.

Mac finds Pharaoh Brown, their third tight end, wide open down the seam, and that's six. Legatron gets the Jets on the board. That's two bad snaps on missed Patriots field goals. 10-3 Pats at halftime. Only thing happening in the third quarter is a bunch of procedure penalties on the Patriots' offensive line. Now the Jets are arguing on the sideline. And now we've got a scuffle after a Mac sneak. Lazard has the best two catches for the Jets today. The first red zone snap of the game comes with 6:40 left. Give Randall Cobb an Emmy or a Tony or something. Touchdown Jets. Fullback renaissance? Judon spins past Becton and gets the safety! Gipson gets 15 on the punt return after the two-minute warning. What was that checkdown, Zach? Dude can't see the field. (He missed Garrett Wilson on the play before that.) (Patriots 15, Jets 10)


I mean, Russell Wilson isn't responsible for this.

(Dolphins 70, Broncos 20)

The Packers do something truly stupid on fourth and 2 at midfield. Was that supposed to be a flea-flicker? Touchdown JIMMY GRAHAM? Shaheed returns the punt 76 yards for a touchdown! There was one gap that wasn't that big, and there were three Packers and no one else there, and he beat them all. 14-0 Saints. Carr throws up a desperation heave and Shaheed ends up playing defense. Multiple Taysom sightings as Vilma talks about how he's in basically every offensive position room during the weekly meetings. Field goal puts the Saints up 17-0 at the half. Then Love starts the second half by getting intercepted. Carr gets slammed to the turf and goes to the medical tent. Now he's headed back to the locker room and Winston is in at quarterback. Packers go for it and pass up a short field goal and this doesn't work either. Back-to-back interference penalties? Not great, Saints. Love eventually keeps it and scores. Packers go for two and get it! 17-11 with 6:58 left.

And that's why Jonathan Vilma's the worst color man in the NFL. Love takes off to the left and keeps going, staying in bounds and picking up 24. Touchdown Doubs! We're tied! Defender didn't see it until Doubs jumped, and then it was too late. PAT gives the Packers the lead with 2:56 left. The rookie Grupe on for a 46-yarder with 1:10 left. Wide right! Packers win after being absolute trash for three-plus quarters. This league. (Packers 18, Saints 17)

Brandon Staley, you absolute moron. You punt there every single time.


Pass to Addison is broken up in the end zone, but Jefferson's down on the other side of the field. There was an illegal contact flag on the guy defending him, then Jefferson took a weird step, started hobbling and went down. Now Hockenson's down after taking a shot. Jefferson back in — he cramped up is all. Vikings facing fourth and 5. Hockenson! Snap the ball! Hockenson can't handle it, it gets tipped twice, and intercepted!

Kenneth Murray just saved Brandon Staley's job, at least from me, 'cause I fire him immediately if they lose.

(Chargers 28, Vikings 24)

Lamar's carrying literally two-thirds of this Ravens team. (They're down seven starters.) Minshew pulled an Orlovsky, then Matt Gay tied the game for the Colts before Tucker missed a 61-yarder at the end of regulation. Is a woman calling this game? This has to be the first time ever, doesn't it? Let's see who it is. It's Beth Mowins. Ravens stuff the Colts on forth and 1 at midfield. Isaiah Likely drops the ball on third down. Ravens go for it on fourth and 3 because 65 is too much to ask even for Tucker. Incomplete and NO flag. Are we serious right now? Speed straight up tackled Flowers. Colts get it back with 3:21 left. Matt Gay from 53. It's GOOD! That's four 50-plus field goals in one game, a new record. The Ravens, who always have a grievance no matter the outcome of the game, actually have one this time. (Colts 22, Ravens 19, OT)

Cardinals with an early lead? Cowboys down their center and right guard. Hollywood draws a DPI flag on Bland, Travon Diggs's replacement. Did the Cowboys defense not scout Josh Dobbs? Touchdown James Conner. Cowboys jump offside on the PAT, so now they're going for two. They run it with Conner but get nothing. Xavien Collins comes unblocked and sacks Dak. That'll be a flag on Thompson, who grabbed Lamb twice. Big cheers for that as I'm sure this place is packed with Cowboys fans. Moose: "They're gonna forget about Hunter Luepke." I've never heard of him, sir. Cowboys need Gallup to be better than he was last year. Bad decision by Dak to try to throw it past Chris Barnes (he didn't). Field goal is good. Rondale Moore lines up at running back, gets behind the Cowboys defense and scores! Two-point pass is incomplete. Pollard with some nice runs. Cooks can't stay in the end zone. Touchdown... Rico Dowdle? Good screen to pick that up. Cowboys struggling against the run. Prater hits from 51 though it was almost blocked. Did dude come early? He may have — there's a flag. That's five yards, which is first down Cardinals. FOX has started doing a thing where they put a player in a yellow flash — they just did it to Parsons. Cards kick a shorter field goal to go up eight. Lamb gets hit with OPI. Prater hits from 62 to end the half.


Lamb finally gets open downfield. Dak escapes a sack and picks up third and 12.

But they stop the next one and force a field goal. Turpin with a big punt return, but the Cowboys get called for holding, which will put them inside their own 20. Gallup! Cardinals gag on third down again. McCarthy going for it on 4th and 4 from the Arizona 5. Dak gets flushed out of the pocket and throws incomplete. Parsons finally gets a sack as the third quarter ends. Cardinals predictably crumbling now. This rookie Clark is doing work on Lamb today. Aubrey makes it 21-16 with 9:33 left. That's Michael Wilson, a third-round rookie who just lit the Cowboys up for a NICE gain. Hollywood cashes in and it's 28-16 Cardinals.

They might not blow this! Kyzir White (so that's where he ended up) picks off Dak in the end zone! CLASSIC. There were three Cardinals there. The heck was Dak seeing?


(Cardinals 28, Cowboys 16)


Chiefs currently putting on a better show than she does.

(Chiefs 41, Bears 10)

The Steelers offensive line's PFF rankings seem... not good? Carrie in the house! It's the first time she's actually been at SNF, and they show her visiting the production truck. Garoppolo gets crushed barely after he hands it to Jacobs. FUMBLE? Automatic review correctly overturns it. This is close. Raiders go for it, and the run play action deep to Adams, who catches it for a touchdown! Peterson never saw the ball. The Steelers come back with a big play of their own, as Pickett hits Calvin Austin for 72! Kid ran away from Marcus Peters and outran Marcus Epps.


Jimmy G feeding Adams. Pressure forces Garoppolo into an interception to Levi Wallace. The Raiders should consider not letting Pickett break contain. He's done it twice in a row, and the first one was called back. McDaniels tells Melissa that Garoppolo will return in the second half. Lo and behold, he's back out there. He just tries to put Adams in the hospital with that one. Clean hit, and the refs pick up the flag. Boswell hits from 57! Peterson intercepts Garoppolo, who just threw that one up there. Graphic shows that breaks a tie with Harrison Smith for the most interceptions by an active player. Steelers stringing together some chunk plays. Pickett throws on the run and hits Freiermuth for a touchdown. Raiders looking at 2nd and 34. Nice work. That's a really good catch by Jakobi Meyers to stay inbounds. We finally get around to discussing the weird Chandler Jones situation, which nobody seems to know anything about, and Tirico says the Raiders aren't talking. Shot of T-Mobile Arena, for some reason, which spurs how the Aces and Golden Knights are their sports' reigning champions. Raiders on the move, but it feels too late. Are they calling this helmet to helmet on Fitzpatrick? Because I'm not seeing it. McAuley is also skeptical. Quick slant to Adams is a touchdown. There's another questionable flag on Chandon Sullivan on the two-point try. This time they run play action and Michael Mayer doesn't have anyone within a mile of him. 23-15. 5:41 left. Jacobs gets stopped after the Raiders were moving the ball through the air. The field goal team's coming out? Down eight? The kick's good, but there's a flag. The Raiders seem to think it's on the Steelers, and it's a leverage call. First down.

Meyers can't haul it in on third down and the Raiders send the kicking team out again???

Biggest fraud in the league. It's good, but the Raiders still might not get the ball back. Pickett flings it to Allen Robinson for a critical first down, and now the Raiders probably won't get the ball back. They do manage a stop. That's a good punt. MUFFED but the Raiders are lucky to get it back. Aaaand it's intercepted. (Steelers 23, Raiders 18)

Big-time punt return by Covey. Nice to see that. A run on third and 6? No one else would do this. Elliott hits from 36 after the drive bogs down in the red zone again. Rashaad White has moves. Mayfield with plenty of time. Buck brings up Mayfield's red zone interceptionless streak. Aikman: "Oh no." Good work by the rookie Sydney Brown to knock a touchdown away from Evans. McLaughlin ties it. Eagles pick up the blitz and Hurts finds Goedert. I hope Zaccheaus was inbounds. Touchdown Zaccheaus! Buck was right: "Time ran out." Is it raining there, too? It is. Blankenship with a diving interception. Sneak may not have worked? Never mind. Now they're reviewing it? Why is the booth reviewing spots? Call stands. Then Hurts throws a bad ball right to Devin White.


Cox and Carter team up on a sack. Then Carter forces a fumble and the Eagles get it back. The Buccaneers hadn't turned the ball over all season, and as Buck said, that's two in three snaps. Lane Johnson may have gotten away with a jump. They're reviewing whether A.J. Brown got out of bounds or not. They somehow reverse this? That's not enough to overturn that. It's not a HUGE deal, but it's the principle of the thing. Elliott hits from 38 to end the half. Swift could have driven a bus through that hole. 26 yards after a hurdle. Pass is too high for A.J. Sneak doesn't reach the end zone? Shocker. They run it again from about the half-yard line and it's good.

Another big run by Swift. If he cuts right at the end he probably scores. Hurts gets picked off again! That's a hell of a play. A.J. having a tough night. Safety! How are you offsides on a free kick? That adds five to another nice return by Covey.

Ridiculous catch by Evans. Godwin gets knocked out of bounds at the 1. Why are the Bucs in shotgun? Touchdown Evans on a ball that wasn't thrown all that well. Aikman also criticizes Evans for not running a flatter route. Two-point try is good and it's 25-11. Scorigami territory? Pitts saves a Gainwell touchdown. There's no reason to show that Ronde Barber highlight. Troy singles out A.J. one-on-one up top, and he breaks a tackle after the catch and gets 25 on third and 13. This is probably over. Slant to Brown and the Buccaneers won't get the ball back. Eagles Scorigami! They hadn't beaten Tampa in 10 years? What? (Eagles 25, Buccaneers 11)

Is Burrow playing or not? He is, as the Bengals get the ball first. They don't do much. Stafford keeps missing Kyren Williams. Burrow's limiting himself to short throws. Field goal is good. Stafford to... Tutu Atwell for 47. I swear, every Rams player on the outside — on both sides — is off the street. Rams kick another field goal to go ahead. Donald with a sack. Higgins with a drop. They're trying to get him involved but it's just not going well. Burrow's also been under a lot of pressure.


Stafford gets rushed into an interception. That is, if Logan Wilson caught it clean. He did! The Bengals have to do better than settle for long field goals — McPherson's tried from 48, 56 (which he missed) and 53, which he hits at halftime to tie this sad game at 6. Burrow's not limping, per se, but he's laboring to walk. Chase bails him out on third down, going behind his back to make the catch. Riddick notes that that was primed to be intercepted otherwise, and Orlovsky says Burrow threw it there on purpose. Mixon breaks through the hole and that's a touchdown. Crowd CHEERS. Chase! Higgins having a ROUGH night. Burrow gets picked off by Witherspoon! That was NUTS. Stafford gets pasted. All of McPherson's field goals have been 40-plus. This one's from 54 and makes it 19-9.

Trey Hendrickson's killing this dude. Stafford finally hits Puka deep. Touchdown Atwell but I fear it's too late. Onside kick goes how you'd expect. (Bengals 19, Rams 16)
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Thursday, October 12, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Traditions Upheld

It's Thursday night, and you know what that means. (Some truly terrible football coming your way.) Some Hall and Oates to open. This animation in the intro is cool. "Featuring Kaylee Hartung." Eagles get the ball first. Hurts escapes the rush on third and 4 and gets the first down. Hurts goes deep to Devonta! But again the offense gets bogged down in the red zone. Field goal is good. Jefferson with a big play, but he's stymied on the next snap. Cousins, under pressure, can't connect with Osborn. Covey fumbles the punt after getting spun around but the Eagles recover. Eagles lose contain on the return, but there's a fumble and they get it back! Swift finally does something. That's three straight carries. These tight end screens aren't getting any yards. Hurts throws long and gets picked off. Then Mattison fumbles! Christ.


A quarterback counter? Really? Elliott misses right from 55. Goodell here with Vick and Curtis Martin. Cousins finds Hockenson for the Vikings' first big play. Two plays later he breaks a tackle and scores. Eagles staying on the ground and it's working. Slant to Brown has never been stopped. Vikings call time out to prepare for the Hurts sneak and still can't stop it.

Jefferson converts a third down at midfield. I'll note that Maddox is also now out for the Eagles. Osborn wide open in the flat. Jefferson makes the catch, but loses the ball at around the 1. Al and Kirk wonder if this is actually a touchback. Terry McAuley thinks it is. This is a booth review.


Call REVERSED, as they rule the ball went over the pylon when Jefferson lost it. Eagles ball. The rule still sucks, by the way. Scott with a 21-yard run to midfield and the Eagles suddenly have a shot at more points. They look deep but it's not there. Elliott from 61. It's GOOD. 13-7 Eagles at halftime. Cousins FUMBLES and Cox gives the Eagles the ball at the Vikings' 7!

Swift to the goal line. Guess what happens next. 20-7 Eagles. Cunningham blows up a screen. Third and four and Hurt finds Smith for a touchdown! Herbstreit notes that Harrison Smith didn't drop deep on that play. Cousins uncorks a bomb to the rookie Jordan Addison, and he spins away from Jobe for a touchdown. The Eagles may not throw a pass again, except for four-yard hitches to Goedert. Rashaad Penny finally gets a carry! The Eagles get the Vikings to jump on third and 3! Hold on Penny cancels out an A.J. Brown touchdown. Hurts goes for Brown again but he can't bring it in. Akayleb Evans got away with one. Osborn drops a big gain. Udoh, who's replacing Darrishaw (who's been trying to play hurt tonight) is getting carted off. Jefferson having a much better game than last time. Osborn left wide open again, this time for a touchdown. 27-21 with 7:41 left.

Can't cover an 11 with a 98, Vikings. Swift! Eagles have rushed for 225 yards tonight. Then Swift cuts back inside for a touchdown. Most of Jefferson's big catches tonight have been against Goodrich, but he took the ball away from Slay there.

Another Vikings fumble, but it's taken off the board by an offsides call. Touchdown Hockenson with 1:10 left. Eagles recover the onside kick, ensuring that the Vikings will fall to 0-2 in one-score game after going 9-0 last year. Though it does ALSO secure the backdoor cover, for those of you interested in such things. Cousins can't throw it that far. I'm not sure anyone can. (Eagles 34, Vikings 28)

Signal Finder: KC @ JAX, GB @ ATL, NYJ @ DAL, WSH @ DEN (end)

The signs of success: This is the Chiefs' only 1 p.m. kickoff this season, and it probably wouldn't be most other weeks. Mahomes gets hit and Donovan Smith ends up catching the ball. Donovan Smith is the starting left tackle. Charles Davis is wondering why the Chiefs even threw on third and a foot.


Jaguars struggling to snap the ball properly. Ridley drops a long ball but there's a flag, and it's on Snead for interference. Jags get three out of it. This is a fumble and Jaguars ball. Then Kelce gets hit with an unsportsmanlike conduct call afterwards. Are we really not going to show this review? That might be a lateral and a turnover. It is! Chiefs ball! Then Mahomes almost fumbles it away on the next play. THEN he throws deep and Sisco makes a leaping interception! Agnew gets a first down by about two inches. Pederson going for it on 4th and 5, or is he? They call time out. They go for it but Chris Jones sacks Lawrence.

Touchdown Moore, already a massive improvement over last week.

Calvin Ridley back? Flag on the Chiefs and it'll stand. It sets up ex-Bronco Brandon McManus for a 49-yarder, and he hits. Big run by Pacheco to start the second half. How does Kelce get that open? Iain: "Kelce finds a blank space for the score!" Come on, man. Chris Jones highlights montage. Eagle wonders if they were rope-a-doped on Jones being on a snap count. Davis says he thinks Jones is winning the discussions on the sideline about it. Lawrence goes deep to Kirk. Engram never tried this hard as a Giant. Zay Jones with a nice over-the-shoulder grab but he can't stay in the end zone. DPI gives the Jags first and goal at the 1.

Nobody buys the fake on this Lawrence bootleg. Run the ball, Doug. Jesus. Field goal squeaks through. McKinnon gets pulled down just short of the marker but the announcers seem to think he made it? Even forward progress doesn't get him there. Yeah, he's short, but the Chiefs pick it up on fourth and short. Chiefs moving backwards. Moore slips past the defense and that's that. (Chiefs 17, Jaguars 9)

Geno turned back into Geno at the end of regulation, then shredded the Lions in overtime. Lot of regression here. (Seahawks 37, Lions 31, OT)

Likewise, the winner of the "Who's going to screw up the end of this game worse, the Chargers or Mike Vrabel" contest ended up being the Chargers. (Titans 27, Chargers 24, OT)

No Aaron Jones, no Watson, and no Bahktiari for the Packers. Not great. Why is Mack Hollins a starter? (For the Falcons.) So many flags. How did Jonnu Smith catch that? Falcons are giving Ridder a lot of short passes, not letting him hold on to the ball. Smart. Four tight ends? OK. See now they're trying to get cute. Two passes from the 2-yard line? Just give the ball to Bijan. Well, that didn't work either. That entire sequence sucked. They go for it — and false start. HOT MIC! Falcons stuck settling for a field goal. Big spot here on a Dillon run. Packers challenge and it's successful. Touchdown Jayden Reed, who stepped on the pylon. Falcons get a fourth and 1 on a toss to Bijan. Touchdown London! 10-9 Pack at the half. Someone named Octavian Wicks has a touchdown catch for the Packers.


Another PI call against the Falcons. And now Reed has another touchdown. FLEA FLICKER to Hollins! Fourth and 4 and Ridder takes it in himself. 24-19. Not smart leaving Bijan open like that. Fourth and 7 with 8:17 left? Falcons kick it, which is probably the right move. Packers not only fail to get the Falcons to jump, but they jump themselves. Ridder scramble is ruled short. Falcons challenge. Still short. They go for it and GET it! Vilma thinks Bijan got this first down. Shockingly, he's right. Then this gets reviewed and they say he didn't. I didn't think he did, either. Falcons call time out before sending Koo out for a 25-yarder. It's GOOD with 1:01 left. Love gets plastered. Was this even caught? Dean Blandino doesn't seem to think so. Incomplete! Falcons win in spite of themselves. (Falcons 25, Packers 24)

So did Burrow come back too soon from his leg injury in camp, or is he just bad right now? (Ravens 27, Bengals 24)

Big catch by Lamb. Dak runs past the blitz and gets upended at the Jets' 5. Touchdown Ferguson, the first opening-drive touchdown the Jets have allowed in their last 15 games. Jets run a fake punt with a direct snap to the up man and it works. Quarterback sneak doesn't work, which allows Romo a chance to contrast it with the Eagles' sneaks and talk about how not every team uses the subtleties the Eagles have. 10-0 Cowboys in the second after a field goal by Aubrey. The Jets can't sustain anything offensively. Wilson to Wilson touchdown! Lamb with a great job holding on to this catch after getting hit in midair. Oh man, that's a pick-six for Sauce if he holds on. Deuce Vaughn making moves. Dak gets taken down. That's not pass interference. Touchdown Luke Schoonmaker. OK then. The Jets held AND roughed Dak on that play. Nice work, guys. They're going for two? Weird. It works, though. The Zach Wilson scramble has become the Jets' best play in the two-minute drill. Replay on the third-down incompletion shows DeMarcus Lawrence got his hands on that pass, making it come out wobbly. Jets get a field goal and trail 18-10 at halftime. Pollard breaks one off. Cowboys have two guys open on third and goal and don't score. Good stand by the Jets.


Yeah, there's a reason the Jets traded for Aaron Rodgers. And I would have sent Zach Wilson out in that trade. There was no reason to keep him around. (Cowboys 30, Jets 10)


Like, if the Giants lose today, they could be staring at 0-6 and a home game against Washington that they may not be favored in. The Giants score! The Giants KEEP scoring!

The Giants LEAD! But Barkley's hurt. Oh boy. (Giants 31, Cardinals 28)

What happened, Broncos defense? It was 21-3! Broncos taking their sweet time down two scores. Now their offensive line can't block. Wil Lutz in for a field goal with 1:50 left. (I didn't realize McManus had left Denver when the Broncos traded for Lutz.) Wilson throws up a Hail Mary but it'll be short. KNOCK IT DOWN! TOUCHDOWN BRONCOS! Two-point try is INCOMPLETE. Sutton wanted a flag and probably could have gotten it.



Are we sure it's Russ who's washed? (Commanders 35, Broncos 33)

Wait. Was Carrie trying to play drums last week? I'm very interested to see how this Dolphins defense functions without Jalen Ramsey, who got hurt in preseason and will miss the year. Marcus Jones is down for the Patriots, and he's replacing Jonathan Jones. Patriots hold the Dolphins to a field goal, like last week. Tirico tells us that there was a $250 million renovation at Gillette Stadium, to enclose it and put in that big new video scoreboard you're looking at. Eli Apple committing a stupid penalty? That's never happened before. Mac takes a shot deep but Bourne can't bring it in. FUMBLE. Dolphins ball! That dude's benched for the rest of the game. Waddle slips through some blockers and only doesn't score because he tripped over his own feet. Then he gets hit late and pops up in the defender's face. Marcus Jones is down again. In fact, Jones got hurt trying to stop Waddle, whose foot hit him in the head. Mostert goes left and scores. Dolphins challenging this incompletion, saying it's actually a fumble. Call STANDS. Pats are held to three. Tua's placing the ball well on this drive. But THAT one was a great play by Brandon Berrios between two defenders. He's ruled inbounds, which will cost the Dolphins a 10-second runoff. Quick pass to Tyreek for a touchdown. Tua was 7-for-7 on that drive. Dolphins have started to attack downfield more with all the injuries in the Patriots' secondary. Oh, this kick's getting blocked! Dude ran in from out wide and came in untouched (and almost unseen.)


Belichick challenging a spot? He's lost it. LOL at him angrily spiking the challenge flag. He's also (predictably) lost this challenge. Did Xavien Howard intercept this and stay inbounds? He did! Dolphins lead 17-3 after 3. Touchdown Henry and it's 17-10. Cris points out on the replay that all sorts of illegal things happened here, including Henry catching the pass after blocking someone. Tua corrals a high snap and hands it to Mostert, who salvages positive yardage. Leaping interception by the rookie Christian Gonzalez! Patriots ball! But the Dolphins force a three and out. Mostert! Touchdown! Another penalty on Apple. Cris says that's one of those penalties where "you just ask: Why?" proving he's clearly new to Eli Apple. Parker caught that? Huh. Juju gets shoved out of the end zone onto the field before making this catch. Touchdown Stevenson and it's a one-touchdown game with 5:25 left. Belichick does NOT like this personal foul call that sees Waddle knocked to the ground. But it's a helmet-to-helmet hit with no illusion of playing the ball, which is what Belichick claimed. The Dolphins have had some bad snaps tonight. Sanders from 55, but he's not good from 50-plus. He misses left. Mac finds Bourne near midfield. Chubb with a sack! Gesicki gets 14 on third and 18. They throw it to Gesicki, who gets stopped short, but he laterals it to a lineman, who might have gotten it? They're reviewing this. Tirico invokes the Dan Connolly kickoff return. They call him short.


Gesicki slams his helmet in disgust. And that's how the game ends! (Dolphins 24, Patriots 17)

It's a little weird that they put Fowler with Orlovsky and Riddick in the booth, but maybe it's just because Bryce Young's playing and Fowler's seen him more than the other guys. Shaq Thompson's probably the second-best player left on the Panthers. He's not a guy they can lose. I remain stunned that Michael Thomas is still a Saint. Saints gotta challenge this — Thomas caught that. Oh, the refs changed it? OK then. Carr and Tony Jones can't connect on third down. Saints go up 6-3 on another field goal. Carr makes another bad decision and this one leads to a Vonn Bell pick. Did Riddick call them the "Carolina Saints"? Now Young gets hit and he fumbles. And the Saints again can't capitalize. 6-3 Saints at halftime.


Van Pelt recaps the foolishness in Browns-Steelers. Fowler: "Thanks for sorting that out, Scott." Saints are buried in their own end. Panthers move on fourth and 1, making it fourth and 6. Piniero hits a 54-yarder to tie the game at 6. Juggling catch by Olave on the run. Touchdown! Jones! Wait, Johnny Hekker's in Carolina? Long drive ends with the Panthers losing four on third down and kicking a field goal with 5:30 left. Carr finds Shaheed deep. Olave on the move! He scores but this might come back? They ruled he stepped out of bounds at the 7. Touchdown Jones and that'll ice it. Young finds fellow rook Jonathan Mingo inside the 10. Thielen with a late touchdown. Young does everything wrong on this two-point try (rolls straight, throws across his body, AND into traffic) and Thielen still catches it. Onside kick fails, because of course it does. (Saints 20, Panthers 17)

Chris Stapleton and Snoop? OK then. And we start with a pick-six by Alex Highsmith! The Browns are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! It went off Harrison Bryant's hands, Fitzpatrick got it, the Bryant ran into HIM and knocked the ball out, but it went right to Highsmith. Browns come back with an actual drive but Joey Porter Jr. ends it with a pass breakup. Field goal is good. Now Grant Delpit intercepts Pickett! Watson gets sacked. Hopkins MISSES from 43 and the Browns get nothing out of it. Steelers don't do much, either. This Elijah Moore play is correctly ruled incomplete. Watson keeps and gets it, but Tomlin challenges it after the break because the ball came out, and even though the Browns got it back, was it across the line of gain when that happened?


Wait, they're saying the Steelers recovered it? Buck: "We're going back in time," as they go back to the first quarter by putting 22 seconds on the clock. Then the Steelers false start. Quite the exhibition here tonight. FUMBLE! Browns ball! FUMBLE! Did Olzewski even catch this? Delpit's on it again. Now HE fumbles, another Browns player tries to pick it up, and then the ball goes out of bounds. Aikman's not convinced the ball was caught in the first place. Call stands. Buck: "I'm being told this is definitely the end of the first quarter." Fitzpatrick's down for the Steelers. And Chubb's down for the Browns. Oh man — Fitzpatrick ran right into Chubb's knee. The cart's out and Chubb goes off to applause.

Game resumes and Watson finds Jerome Ford for a touchdown. They go for two (?) and get it (.) Jaylin Warren wheel route gets 30. Steelers get a field goal out of it. Pickens! 71 yards untouched. Pickett gets up slowly after taking a hit. The Browns jump on the PAT attempt, and the Steelers then decide to go for two (which they probably should have done originally.) Does the Holy Roller rule apply on two-point attempts? That's a yes. 16-11 Steelers. Steelers lobby for a flag on this Browns punt and get it. Aikman doesn't think the guy ever saw the fair catch signal. Hopkins drills one from 55. 16-14 Steelers at halftime. Boswell makes a 50-yarder after a shady snap. Ford takes a counter to the left side, gets a block from Watson, and goes 70 yards — but he stumbles and is ruled down at the 1, which he was. That's a STUFF. Pierre Strong Jr. punches it in. They get two after Watson gets flushed from the pocket. Watson overthrows Goodwin and Levi Wallace watches an interception go through his hands. Then Watson gets flagged for a face mask. You don't see that every day. Najee Harris finally waking up. Tomlin's about to lose this challenge on this Cooper catch. Dawand Jones, the Browns fourth-round rookie tackle filling in for Jack Conklin, is a massive human being. Njoku fumbles and it's Steelers ball! Pickett gets sacked by Takitaki. Watson hit and fumbles! Touchdown Watt! This is the best terrible game of all time. Ford's having a night. Whose dumb idea was that Pickett keeper?

Is Watson washed? He was bad after his comeback last season, he wasn't great last week, and he made some terrible mistakes tonight.

(Steelers 26, Browns 22)
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Sunday, October 1, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: The Road Rises

No Kelce tonight after all. I've never heard of this woman. Is that Chris Jones up there?

Chad Henne banging the drum. Chiefs win the toss and defer. McKinnon reaches up and pulls down a third-down fling. Lions fake punt from their own 17? And they give it to the up man? It works!

Lions MOVING here. Touchdown Lions on an Amon-Ra crossing route. Don't let Mahomes out of the pocket. WHAT DID I JUST SAY? Cris: "You don't need me. Just watch the show." Lions sniff out the double reverse. But they don't see Rashee Rice in the end zone. 7-7. Chiefs defense clearly missing Jones. Snap hits the motion man? THAT'S Lions football! FUMBLE. There it is. That's a good punt. Oh COME ON, Mahomes. That's Justin Watson's second big play tonight. Hey, Lions, why did you accept the holding penalty? Touchdown Blake Bell? OK. Mahomes gets picked off on a deflection! Touchdown Brian Branch! That pass went right through Toney's hands. Mahomes now misfiring somewhat. Don't love the Lions punting from midfield. That's pass interference. Toney mishandles another one, but at least he only dropped it this time. Donovan Smith kneed Hutchinson in the chest. Field goal is good. That's not a fumble on the punt return — James's elbow clearly hits the ground. McAuley notes that right tackle Juwan Taylor is nowhere near as far up on the line as he should be. Cris likes being surprised by Carrie's Sunday Night Football song. It's... the same every year? Chiefs get another field goal. Big catch by Reynolds. And another one. David Montgomery runs with power and scores! Lions lead! Jet sweep but the Lions don't bite, and the Chiefs punt with 5:38 left. Lions got for it with 2:32 left from the Chiefs' 45, but the Chiefs knock the pass down! ANOTHER drop by Toney. Then Moore catches the same pass, but a hold brings it back. (And of course it's on Donovan Smith.) Now the Chiefs are going on 4th and 20 with 2:09 left. A false start makes it 4th and 25. That's incomplete. Two minute warning. First down Lions! THEY'RE TAKING KNEES. How about their fans traveling? Props. They hadn't won their opener in seven years!

(Lions 21, Chiefs 20)


Signal Finder: SF @ PIT, CIN @ CLE, TEN @ NO (end), JAX @ IND (end), PHI @ NE, GB @ CHI

Burrow's new extension dropped right after kickoff Thursday night, 5/$275 million. Garrett rushing from the middle? OK then. The Browns, on the other hand, need Watson to be a lot better than he was when he came back last season, There's a press conference at 2 about the guy who escaped from a suburban prison last week. I guess they caught him? Fumble by Jerome Ford ends a promising Browns drive. The Bengals' offense is bogged down right now. So is the Browns', if we're being honest. The cart's out for Jack Conklin, which isn't a good sign. At least the rain's stopped? Mixon gets nothing on third and 1. (Turned to the press conference. They think dude's still in Pennsylvania, for some reason, and they have a van on a trailer.) Elijah Moore making MOVES. Nice catch by Peoples-Jones. Watson scrambles and scores. 10-0 Browns at halftime. Watson throws a terrible interception right to Dax Hill AND the Browns were holding. McPherson misses from 51. Garrett wrecks Burrow on fourth down. And the Browns turn it into a touchdown. Two-point try is... good? Good. 24-3 with nine minutes left. Burrow pulled for his own protection. Hey, the Princeton kid's in for the Bengals. The Browns haven't won a Week 1 home opener since 2003? That's... actually not that surprising when you think about it for more than three seconds. (Browns 24, Bengals 3)


Good for her! 49ers' pass rush is twitchy to start. McCaffrey gets stopped on third and 1. Kittle's playing, to the surprise of some, and he gets the fourth down conversion. Touchdown Aiyuk as he was just sitting in the middle of the end zone. Oh, the defender slipped. Later, Diontae Johnson slips and Charvaris Ward picks off Pickett on a high throw. Wet field? Four Steelers jump offside. (At least.) AIYUK! He outfights Patrick Peterson and that's another touchdown. 17-0 49ers. Warner drops a possible pick-six. That's more pressure than Clelin Ferrell ever brought as a Raider. Pickett is under siege. Did Watt knock the ball out on this sack? Somehow the 49ers keep it, as Purdy reached behind his back to hold on to it. They rule that Purdy was down. Tomlin throws the challenge flag but he'll probably lose, and he does. Field goal makes it 20-0. That's a good kickoff return. Do the Steelers have a first down yet? I'm serious. Harris JUST got their first one right after I asked. Suddenly the Steelers' offense has awakened. Poor throw by Pickett on third down. They're going for it? They get it. Touchdown Freiermuth! 20-7 Niners at halftime. McCAFFREY! Aiyuk and McCloud with good blocking downfield and that's a 65-yard touchdown. I don't see this getting any better.

(49ers 30, Steelers 7) BIJAN. Bryce Young? Not so much so far. (Falcons 24, Panthers 10)


Refs are reviewing this Shaheed catch but that should stand. Jamaal Williams run seals it. (Saints 16, Titans 15)

Why does Justice Hill have two touchdowns? And apparently Dobbins has gotten hurt AGAIN, so he'll probably have more. Dude's cursed. WEEK 1 SCORIGAMI. Praise be. (Ravens 25, Texans 7)

No need for Richardson to take off there. MInshew comes in to likely finish the game, with only 59 seconds left. (Jaguars 31, Colts 21)

J.J. Watt joined The NFL Today? Huh.

The Patriots are down three starting offensive linemen. Let's ruin this party.


Eagles get the ball first. Bad snap, but the Patriots were in the neutral zone. Those things might be related. Good run by Gainwell. Hurts on a draw gets 14 on third and 11. Judon gets a free run at Hurts on the following third down. Elliott hits from 32. It's Nantz's 20th year as CBS's No. 1 NFL guy. Zeke's a Patriot now, and he goes right for a first down. Intercepted by Slay! Touchdown! That wasn't a great throw and Bourne couldn't handle it, and it's 10-0 Eagles early. And now Zeke fumbles (a rare event in itself) and Zach Cunningham falls on it. Defensive holding negates a sack. Devonta with a sliding catch for a touchdown. Extra point goes wide but it's already 16-0. Juju can't handle a low throw and the Patriots punt again.

Now both offenses look sluggish. Pats go deep for Bourne but Slay breaks it up. Juju makes a play, then Mac finds Damario Douglas across the field. Ty Montgomery's still in the league? Hunter Henry reaches up and pulls in a touchdown. That's a tough call on Dickerson for a chop block. Wait, he TRIPPED. What? Sweat gets drawn offsides. Mac scramble? Touchdown Bourne, who outran Bradberry. Good punt return by Covey. That slant to Brown hasn't been stopped yet. Holding on Mailata creates first and 20 and eventually leads to a 56-yard Elliott field goal try — which he hits! The Eagles' defense looks tired. Two offensive holding penalties have set the Pats back here. Then they lose yards on a sweep and are out of field goal range. Bama really had Hurts, Tua and Mac all at the same time. And now they don't have anyone. Elliott makes it 25-14. Bourne. Juju. Bourne again for a touchdown! That was FAST. Mac scrambles and gets the two-point try, but it's coming back for holding, and they don't get it the second time. Hurts gets PLASTERED and the Patriots recover! Why not slide there? Sweat with a TIMELY sack. Eagles can't convert and the Pats will get a final shot with two minutes left. Oh, they're going for it? They throw it and it's incomplete, and Christian Gonzalez may have gotten away with a hold.

Gesicki left wide open on the sideline. Jalen Carter gets his first sack. Fourth and 11. Mac finds Boutte at the 8, but it looks like he's out of bounds. Call REVERSED. WHEW. Sirianni's won all three of his season openers, all of which have been on the road. (Eagles 25, Patriots 20)

Bears run two straight quarterback sneaks and fail to fool the Packers both times. Here's Jordan Love. Packers now moving backwards. They bring out the chains after this Doubs catch, and it's a first down. Ill-advised shovel pass falls incomplete. Touchdown to Doubs. Bears getting jumpy on the offensive line. They've used three different running backs on three straight plays. Fields takes off and gets hit and we've got some unpleasantries being exchanged. That's a legal hit, but then D.J. Moore shoves Jaire Alexander in the back after it's over. Offsetting penalties, but somehow that's not one of them. Second field goal makes it 7-6. Wait, Mason Crosby's gone? 10-6 Packers at halftime. Big catch and run by Aaron Jones to get inside the Bears' 10. He scores three plays later. Bears do nothing. Another touchdown for Jones, but he pulls up holding his leg afterwards and he's on the bench. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Bears force a three-and-out after that, then Fields finds Mooney for a touchdown. Two-point conversion makes it 24-14 after three. Then the Packers score, then Quay Walker gets a pick six.


Some things never change.

OOF. (Packers 38, Bears 20)

TUA. Go off, son. That game-winning pass to Tyreek was art. (Dolphins 36, Chargers 34)


This is the correct response. (Rams 30, Seahawks 13)

The hell is this outfit, Carrie? At least they've gotten rid of the unnecessary key changes this year. Tirico describes "The unmistakable New York skyline" which they are nowhere near. Barkley gains four on the first touch of his last season as a Giant. Darren Waller's wearing #12? Jones gets hit in the head as he slides. Good bootleg. Bad snap! BLOCKED FIELD GOAL. TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS. That was ridiculously easy. PAT is... no good? Wait. The Cowboys' new kicker didn't kick in college, and only started kicking this year in the USFL? Who's making these decisions? Parsons flies through the gap and gets to Jones. Lamb freezes McKinney with a stop-and-go and gets about 20 more yards. New kicker's name is Brandon Aubrey, and he make a shortie to put the Cowboys up 9-0. Barkley gets the pass knocked out of his hands and Bland runs it in for a touchdown! The Giants are starting two rookie cornerbacks? Jeez. Cowboys go for it on fourth and 3 around midfield and get it just to piss the Giants off.


They add another field goal and it's 19-0. Now this is ruled an interception by Stephon Gilmore and it's Cowboys ball AGAIN. Unless it skipped off the turf and not his hands. It didn't, and this place is silent. Touchdown Pollard. Hooker almost gets another interception. Giants driving? Jones gets sacked. Gano MISSES. This game's over.

Phil Simms, Jeff Hostelter and Eli are here to support a group for suicide prevention, which may be extremely needed on the premises at this moment. Pollard fumbles a pass but the Cowboys still keep it. A touchdown here may end Dak's night. Touchdown Pollard. And let's see. Well, Jones has been sacked six times now, so he probably shouldn't stay in this game any longer, either. This massive leg tattoo Dak got — it was 11 hours in total, right? You can't do that shit in one session, right?

Jesus. Get your starters out before someone dies. Are they gonna be able to turn the field around in 24 hours for Bills-Jets tomorrow night? Let's find out! (Cowboys 40, Giants 0)

Did her mic cut out? That was weird. Bills get one first down and that's all. "Here comes 8." But it's Breece Hall who gets 26 on the first play. Rodgers eludes a sack and throws it away, Oh my God. Rodgers is down. He's being helped off and Zach Wilson's in the game.


He completed a pass! Buck saying that there's a cart over by the medical tent. They load him onto it and Peyton's in shock.



Now James Cook is outshining big brother Dalvin so far. Bills are driving. Sack sets them back. Bass hits from 40 over Peyton's objections. Good throw by Wilson to convert third and long. But he gets sacked on the next one.

Allen gets stood up and the ball comes out, but the refs rule forward progress was stopped. This throw is too long and it's picked off. HALL!!! 83 yards and he doesn't score? That's so Jets. They end up kicking a field goal and we're tied. Rodgers ruled out with an ankle injury of some kind. Allen finds Davis in a crowd. Then he rolls right and flips it to Diggs for a five-yard touchdown. The officials take a look to see if Allen had crossed the line of scrimmage — he just barely didn't — and it's officially 10-3. Matt Milano picks off Wilson and gets hit with a taunting flag afterwards. That throw was why the Jets traded for Rodgers in the first place. LOL some Jets fan just flipped the bird on camera.

Buck says this 24-hour stadium turnaround hasn't happened since 1987 AND there were two big concerts here last week. Refs pick up a holding flag. Quincy (not his younger, larger brother Quinnen) Williams with a pass breakup in stride. Field goal makes it 13-3 Bills at halftime. Zach Wilson just blew that drive and the Jets are stuck kicking another field goal.

Jordan Whitehead picks off Allen AGAIN, this time in the end zone! Quincy's having a night. That punt was almost blocked. Hall's trying to win this game all by himself. And Allen's trying to lose it all by himself. That's THREE interceptions for Whitehead! Zach Wilson finds a wide-open Lazard. OH MY GOD TOUCHDOWN GARRETT WILSON. He juggled that three times. We're somehow tied with 4:55 left. Now Allen mishandles the snap and the Jets have it!

And now we got a fight. They'll measure after this short Dalvin Cook run. I don't think he got there. That's about a foot, if that. Jets go for it. Wilson sneaks it and gets it, which, as Aikman pointed out, keeps the clock running as well. Legatron's a Jet? He just gave them the lead with 1:45 left. Allen takes a hit after a run. They get Diggs for OPI! Allen beats the blitzing safety and finds Diggs for 15. Bills use their last time out. Bass on for a 50-yard try with six seconds left. CLANG and it goes through! It actually hit the flag. Bills win the overtime coin toss. Not a great punt. Kid's got a block. TOUCHDOWN.
Xavier Gipson, take a bow. (Jets 22, Bills 16, OT)
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