Friday, January 13, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Pull Back

Rain at MetLife HQ. Quinnen Williams sacks Lawrence and the Jets end up with the ball. They turn it into three. Even Engram's been better as a Jaguar than he ever was as a Giant. That never happens. Big run by Etienne after a deep ball to Marvin Jones falls incomplete. Jaguars tie it with a field goal. Why is Chris Streveler in the game? More importantly, who is Chris Streveler? The Jets don't appear to know, either, as they all screw up the snap count. They punt and put the Jags at their own 4. Engram! Etienne to the 2. Right guard Brandon Scherff hobbles off. Lawrence leaps over the pile and the ball comes out, but after it broke the plane.
Wilson goes down under a blitz. Then Williams knocks down his next pass. The back of Engram's jersey is already unreadable. Jags use some double motion to spring Etienne for a big catch and run. Patterson misses left from 44. 13-3 Jaguars at halftime. Whoa! Someone's a little late on the delay button! The fans here have completely turned on Zach Wilson. There's a "Flacco" chant going, for God's sake.

Streveler finds a wide-open Uzomah! Wait, is he IN? Corey Davis with a bad drop on third and 4. They go for it and Garrett Wilson makes the catch on the ground. He looks for Wilson again on fourth and 2 from the Jaguars 13 but they can't connect. Field goal makes it 19-3 with 3:48 left. It's over for Zach Wilson. He isn't any good, he's been benched TWICE, and the fans have completely turned on him.
That's Hell on earth. Enjoy the XFL, kid. (Jaguars 19, Jets 3)

Signal Finder: NYG @ MIN, CIN @ NE, PHI @ DAL (first half)

Touchdown... Trent Irwin? OK then. 22-0 Bengals. It's hard to say anything about the Patriots in this game when they haven't done anything in this game. Eagle: "Nobody is lateraling anything." Half ends with audible boos. Marcus Jones intercepts Burrow. Uh-oh. He's gonna score! PAT is no good. Bourne with a 32-yard catch to start the fourth. Surprised he held on to that with three defenders around him. Touchdown Bourne! He waited and broke late in the back of the end zone.

Two-point attempt fails. 22-12. Burrow goes to the end zone but it goes off Irwin's fingertips. Then McPherson misses left at the same end of the field where he missed earlier. Did Bourne actually catch this? Patriots challenge the incomplete call. Reversed! Jones dumps it under pressure. It's an incompletion, but it's also intentional grounding. Now the Bengals have challenged to see if Mac actually fumbled this. Call stands. OH MY GOD. The Bengals knocked a pass out of Scottie Washington's hands, but it goes right to Meyers (who I'm amazed is still alive after last week) and he walks into the end zone! Then Folk misses the extra point! What is going on? Bengals throw a screen to Chase, but he fumbles and the Patriots get it back. Marcus Jones, who recovered the fumble, is still down. He's back in the game on offense but the Pats run it. There's a delay here, and it turns out that Stevenson didn't get the first down after all. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Bengals have it! Mac gets called for unnecessary roughness after the play ends. This final Patriots series has been brutal, and a delay of game on fourth and 10 will likely cap it off. Deep ball is broken up and the Bengals hang on. *crosses off Patriots* (Bengals 22, Patriots 18)

Cousins gets picked off, but they're reviewing it.

Is that control? Call REVERSED. Cousins getting lucky today. He finds Jefferson in traffic at the Giants' 30. Jefferson gets another first down on third and 5. Hockenson goes up and brings it down for a touchdown! Vikings go back in front. Patrick Peterson picks off Jones! That never had a chance. Shockingly, it's the first interception Jones has thrown in five games. Thielen and Jefferson get crossed up on fourth and 2 from the Giants' 45. Giants take over. Richie James with a bad drop on third down. Gano hits from 55 with 6:24 left. Giants force a punt. Then the Vikings force a punt. Blocked! Touchdown Jefferson. Another drop by James. Slayton gets a critical first down on a crossing route, then goes upfield for 32. Giants facing fourth and 2. They give it to Barkley, who finds a hole and scores! Giants go for two and I'd just run that again. They don't but Jones finds Bellinger in the back of the end zone! We're tied at 24 with 2:01 left. Giants send everyone but Jefferson makes a sliding catch. Cousins gets sacked with 17 seconds left. Jefferson gets the first down and the Vikings spike it with four seconds left. This is a 61-yard try for Greg Joseph, whose career long is 56.
I can't see the ball. IT'S GOOD!!! (Vikings 27, Giants 24)

A.J. beats Diggs twice in a row and the Eagles are already at the Cowboys' 10. Two runs go nowhere. Cowboys blanket the end zone, forcing Minshew to scramble and get knocked out of bounds. Elliott makes the short field goal. Zeke stops short to jump and make a catch, then dives for a first down. Dak rolls out and throws it right to Josh Sweat! Touchdown Eagles! Bad throw by Dak, who had Schultz wide open behind Sweat. 10-0 Eagles. The Spinners' "Rubberband Man", produced by Philly's Thom Bell, who died this week, takes us to break.

Dak scrambles for a first down on third and 5. Schultz falls down near midfield. Maddox blitzes and gets to Dak, but he stays upright and finds Gallup for a first down. Pollard jukes Maddox and it's first and goal. Easy score for Zeke. Minshew makes a bad decision and it's intercepted. Cowboys try a flea flicker but the Eagles aren't fooled at all and Maddox brings down Dak. They go for it on fourth and 8 and T.Y. Hilton (!) draws an illegal contact flag on Slay. Milton Williams back in and causes a four-yard loss. No one's on Lamb and he's got an easy touchdown. Goedert back. Watkins! Minshew overthrows Watkins, who would have scored easily. Gainwell leaps too soon and gets stopped at the 2. He gets stopped again! Why not use Sanders here? Minshew sneaks it in after Olsen suggests the Eagles might run something else off of that formation (as they did against the Giants). Sweat jumps and Dak finds Lamb down the middle for 23. Lamb catching everything right now. Gallup can't bring down the ball in the end zone, and Olsen wonders if the intruding sun was a factor there. Maher field goal ties it. OK, DPI gets a free first down. High throw is almost intercepted. Goedert breaks a tackle and gets 20. Smith gets a good spot on third down. Goedert false starts, and the Eagles use their last time out to save ten seconds. Cowboys get good pressure and the Eagles end up kicking a 47-yarder to go into halftime up 20-17. We're in a shootout, which is the opposite of what I thought this game would be. And I'm not sure who a shootout favors. Turpin returns the second-half kickoff to midfield but there's a penalty, because there always is. So the ball goes back to the 14. And apparently both teams are throwing it all over the yard with reckless abandon. Both these Minshew picks have been suspect, but the Cowboys can't seem to cover Smith, so it's kind of evening out? OH NO SANDERS. The Cowboys only getting a field goal after that says a lot about a lot of things.
Now they're in a prevent defense. Eagles in the red zone? Incomplete. That's unfortunate. (Cowboys 40, Eagles 34)

This was all planned out. This game was scheduled when it was because yesterday was the 50th anniversary of the Immaculate Reception. They were going to retire Franco Harris's No. 32 at halftime. Kenny Pickett's back at quarterback for the Steelers, who are wearing era-appropriate uniforms that they really should go back to. Snow is starting. Boswell's kick misses left. According to Warner, this is new turf put in after the state playoffs. Pickett had to work HARD to make that sneak work. Pass goes right off Freiermuth's hands and is luckily not intercepted. Boswell tries again from 44 and this one's good. Carr lofts one to Waller that he has to come back and get. Waller gets triple-teamed on third down and the pass hits the stanchion. Carlson hits a wobbly 40-yarder. 10-3 Raiders at halftime. NFL Network is carrying the ceremony. Art Rooney: "The big man was supposed to be standing here beside me." His No. 32 is only the third number the Steelers have retired. Chandler Jones on the sideline. Denzel Perryman intercepts Pickett.

Then Carr throws a high ball that Moreau can't handle and the Steelers get it right back. Boswell misses AGAIN? Jeez. Steelers get another pick off of a mishandled pass. Big Jacobs run gets called back because of a face mask. Highsmith sacks Carr. Fourth quarter begins with a terrible punt. The Steelers' offense can't finish anything off. Here comes Boswell again. Good from 40. 10-6 with 9:47 left. This Freiermuth catch should stand and does. Najee Harris breaks two tackles and gets to the 24. Harris gets out of bounds at the 19. Did he catch this? I don't think the Steelers think he did, but the refs say he did. They're reviewing it. Eisen: "Can you believe we're sitting here tonight wondering if a Harris made a catch against the Raiders?"
The refs rule it incomplete, which actually helps the Steelers, as they gain eight seconds and get their time out back. Freiermuth catch is short. The Steelers sneak it... and they make it. Pickett limping slightly afterwards. TOUCHDOWN PICKENS! He hadn't made a circus catch tonight, so how about a touchdown instead? Extra point is GOOD with 46 seconds left. Adams gets knocked out of bounds trying to make a catch. Carr overthrows Renfrow and Sutton picks it off! What did they call a penalty on? CONNOR Heyward, Cam's brother, gets free and slides to end the game! crosses off Raiders (Steelers 13, Raiders 10)

Good thing we've got basketball today, because these games SUCK. And no chance of snow in any of them to boot. Marcedes Lewis is still out here catching short passes for touchdowns.

WADDLE. He's still running! Touchdown! Eighty-four yards! Long ball to Lazard for 42 under duress (and an uncalled hold) ends the first. Rodgers throws way too long for Watson on fourth and 2. Tua goes deep to Tyreek and it's 52 yards to the Packers' 1. Jeff Wilson finishes it off. Don't like that coverage on Hill at all. Packers run a fake punt but the Dolphins swallow it up!
Tua over 200 yards already on only six completions. A sack and a second fumble leaves the Dolphins settling for a field goal. Mostert fumbles at midfield and the Packers take over with 1:55 left. They get a field goal to make it 20-13 with two seconds left.
Did Moose lose a bet? What is this jacket? Packers go for it from their own 31. Psychotic. But it works! Deep ball to LEWIS? 31-yard catch nearly doubles his receiving yardage.
Dillon gets in on his second try. Sanders misses right. Rodgers throws long and it's intercepted in the end zone! Dolphins get away with one there? Kinda looks like it. Tua sails one right to Jaire Alexander! That's a weak roughing the passer call. Dillon fumbles the handoff but gets it back. Rodgers escapes the rush but the Dolphins have it covered well, and the Packers settle for a field goal, but do take their first lead.

Hill makes his first catch of the second half. Devondre Campbell picks off Tua! Mostert never turned around — did he run the wrong route or just have no idea the pass was coming? It appears to be the latter. (We would later learn that Tua suffered another concussion, which likely explains why he fell off so dramatically in the second half.) Good catch downfield by Doubs. Jones gets 19. Dolphins' defense holds again and it's 26-20 with 2:07 left. Tua throws another interception! Jeez. It's nuts how every result the Eagles needed went against them and they lost, while every result the Packers needed went in their favor and they won. (Packers 26, Dolphins 20)

This may be the worst regular-season game Nantz and Romo have done. Also, the poor Nickelodeon audience. Dylan Schefter! They've got a trophy for NVP this time around. Akers goes left for eight. Mayfield mishandles the snap and it's third and 28. Wait, they're in field goal range? Gay hits from 55. Spongebob approves. Ramsey breaks up a pass intended for Sutton, who's had a bad season that even stands out on this Broncos season. Wilson sails one and it's picked off. HIGBEE. TOUCHDOWN. SLIME. PAT is followed by SNOW CANNONS. They've really blown the budget out here.

Bobby Wagner picks off Russ, much to Patrick Star's chagrin. "That's not what he wanted to cook." Touchdown Akers. Remember, he wanted out midseason, and now he's the only one left. Wilson finally makes a good play, then follows it up with a sack. They've got Gronk doing rules pop-ups. Sutton makes a diving catch on the sideline, but it's called incomplete. That's a catch, though. They finally throw the challenge flag. Call REVERSED. That was quick. McManus is good from 54. HIGBEE. First and goal Rams. Mayfield throws it away and it hits the crossbar. Burleson talks about how he's seen quarterbacks have contests throwing at the goalposts in practice. Mayfield just gets it away and finds Higbee for a touchdown. 24-3 Rams. Burleson's daughter Mia drops in with some fun facts, like how Broncos linebacker Josey Jewell is a Christmas baby. Dylan's dad with a surprise: Ravens-Steelers has been flexed into Sunday night Week 17. We're up to three female NFL officials now. Patrick Star would be hard to tackle because his legs just grow back if they're torn off. Higbee making a strong case for NVP in this half. Touchdown Akers and this is a beatdown. Wilson scramble! Then he finds Jeudy, who gets out of bounds with one second left. McManus hits from 49 to end the half. Ball's out! Rams have it! They don't'? Refs say he was down by contact. Rams challenge and this is close. Noah Eagle reminds Burleson that they were at Colts-Vikings last week. Call CONFIRMED. BUT they rule that he didn't get the first down after all, so the Rams won't lose a time out. Great play by Ramsey to get the interception in the end zone. Wilson gambled and lost.
Akers finds a hole and gets 21. Rams pass on a 42-yard field goal and get a first down, but end up kicking a 30-yarder instead.
Good God. Mayfield wins the NVP vote, the first player from the winning team to do so.
(Rams 51, Broncos 14)

Rachaad White with a big run to start. This is Brady's first Christmas start. That's interference. Brady misses an open Julio Jones in the end zone. Field goal is good. TRACE McSORLEY SZN. Fake punt! This one works! Cris: "And the first 40-year-old to complete a pass tonight is... Andy Lee, the punter." This is gonna have to be the game tonight for the Cardinals. Bucs blitz and McSorley never saw it. Fumble! Devin White recovers for the Bucs. Fournette still runs with power. They should do that again. They do, but it doesn't work. Fourth down and the Cardinals stop Fournette again! J.J. Watt's wife, mom, and newborn are here. Prater from 56. Good. That's his 69th 50-plus field goal. Nice. Godwin's short here. Bowles looked annoyed at the spot but it's correct. So they sneak it with Brady and get it. Jones touchdown is negated by a penalty, and they end up settling for another Succop field goal. Brady gets pressured into an underthrow, and it's picked off by Marco Wilson. Prater's 53-yarder CLANGS and bounces through, putting us at 6-6 at halftime. That does sound more like a DOINK, now that I hear it again.

Not at all. This Bucs team is a slog to watch. Tirico asks if the Buccaneers running game misses Gronk's blocking and Collinsworth says "Absolutely." Watt stones Fournette. Then Wilson gets his second interception tonight! He went up and got that one, too. Hollywood! Prater puts the Cardinals in front to start the fourth. Short punt and a good return and the Cardinals are in business again. Touchdown James Conner!
Fournette takes off for 44. Quick pass to White and he reaches the pylon. Dortsch picks up a good gain. Cardinals may need to run the four-minute offense for eight minutes. Noooo! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Buccaneers fall on a fumbled pitch and they get the ball at their own 40. Cardinals realize they've left Evans uncovered and frantically call time. Third down pass is broken up in the end zone. Succop ties it with 2:27 left.
Hopkins falls down on third down (he's done nothing tonight) and the Cardinals have to punt with 1:50 left. Now the Cardinals force a punt on 4th and 2 with 56 seconds left. Cooper makes a mistake fielding it at the 1, but he does get to the 20. Conner gets to midfield and the Cardinals spike it with eight seconds. Hail Mary is intercepted and we've got overtime. The longest game in NFL history was a Christmas Day playoff game between the Dolphins and Chiefs in 1974, which the Dolphins won in double overtime. "Tampa Bay, you are still the visiting team." Why would that change? Cardinals win the toss. Hollywood gets the first down after a review. Pass for Hopkins is too high and the Cardinals have to punt. Brady finds Gage near midfield. Evans makes a one-handed catch. Cardinals can't tackle Gage and he's in the red zone. Succop hits it! That's a shame. (Buccaneers 19, Cardinals 16, OT)

Chargers win the toss and defer. Nick Foles starts for the Colts. Kenneth Murray drops an interception. On the second drive, Saturday challenges a spot and wins, getting a first down out of it. Interception!

Keenan Allen can't handle the pass (thanks to Zaire Franklin) and the Colts get it right back. Three plays later Foles throws ANOTHER pick, this one to Derwin James, who somehow manages to stay inbounds — that left knee is in.
Now Saturday's challenging this Allen catch. I think it's a catch. Aikman doesn't. Call REVERSED, incorrectly, IMO. But Saturday gets a free spin out of it. (He's 4 for 5 on challenges.) Punt is nearly blocked. Buck: "Nobody's doin' nothin'!" No score after one, which shouldn't surprise you. Herbert sneaks to the 2. Touchdown Ekeler. James LEVELS Dulin and the flags go flying. And he's tossed, as Aikman predicted. McLaughlin puts the Colts on the board. Dicker makes it 10-3 Chargers at halftime. Another Chargers interception. Foles having a rough night. No excuse for that one. Allen gets seven on fourth and 1. Buck and Aikman are surprised to see the field goal unit out now, but 13 might be enough tonight. Khalil Mack gets to Foles. Punt goes off of Carter's face and now there's a mad scramble. The Colts grab it and run into the end zone, but it's ruled that a Chargers player was on the sideline when he touched it. That ball's out. We got a problem. Herbert is sacked and fumbles! Colts ball! Boos as the third quarter ends with the Colts not going for it, and heading to the other end of the field to do whatever they're going to do. Foles sneaks it but it doesn't look like it worked. It DIDN'T. Mike Williams finally showing up. Ekeler to the 1, and then he scores. Chargers are in the playoffs. (Chargers 20, Colts 3)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. San Francisco (11-4) — Rocket to the top
2. Philadelphia (13-2) — Well, that sucked out loud
3. Buffalo (12-3) — A rare ground offensive
4. Cincinnati (11-4) — Coming in hot

BOTTOM 4:
29. Indianapolis (4-10-1) — So much for the experiment
30. Denver (4-11) — The last straw, as Hackett was fired the next day
31. Chicago (3-12) — Reminding me of last year's Lions, talent-wise
32. Houston (2-12-1) — A mildly surprising victory

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