Friday, December 30, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Haters in the House

Brock Purdy is starting tonight despite his injuries. McCaffrey finally gets the first first down of the game on the 49ers' second series. Kittle over the middle for a touchdown.
Geno gets wrecked on a safety blitz and loses the ball but a Seahawks lineman recovers. Seahawks offense has done nothing.
Purdy finds Aiyuk on the move. Drive ends and now the Seahawks finally get something going. Three people move early on third down, including Tyler Lockett, who gets called for it. Geno scrambles for 20 and Carroll wants a flag for a tackle out of bounds. (He doesn't get it.) Field goal is good. Quandray Diggs drops an interception. Travis Homer fumbles and it bounces right to Chavarius Ward, who returns it inside the 10! Touchdown McCaffrey with 50 seconds left.
Another blown coverage, another Kittle touchdown. 49ers' pick-six is called back because of a roughing call on Bosa. Um, OK. Then a deep ball to Young is called back because of a hold on the Seahawks. They salvage a field goal, making it 21-6. There were THREE different penalties on the 49ers on that play? I'm with Herbstreit, I've never heard of that before. Seahawks decline them all. Seahawks punt pins the 49ers at their own 2, and they never really get out of there. Now the Seahawks are on a third and 23, if you're wondering how things have been going since then. Al inadvertently "mini-kiboshes" Gould, who misses right from 45. 5:08 left. Seahawks go into hurry-up. Touchdown Fant! 67 yards in 85 seconds. Purdy keeps it, rolls right, and slides at the marker. They give him the first down and Carroll challenges. Call stands.
That's the game, right? Seahawks are out of time outs? OK, so the next first down will be the game. And there it is, as Mason goes for 54 before getting knocked out at the 2. (49ers 21, Seahawks 13)

Colts return the opening kickoff to midfield. Jonathan Taylor is down and hurt after three plays. That's not great. Zach Moss not getting a lot here. He loses seven yards at the 1 and the Colts kick a field goal. BLOCKED PUNT TOUCHDOWN! He caught it IN THE AIR? Vikings' special teams are in ruins. Big run by Cook. FUMBLE! Colts ball! Dear God.

Touchdown Deon Jackson and it's 17-0 Colts. This is a self-immolation even by Vikings standards. They run C.J. Ham on a fullback sweep on third and 2 and it doesn't work. They go for it and get NOTHING. Jebus.
Colts take over on downs. Taylor ruled out. Nate Burleson (who's calling the game with Noah Eagle) is doing his best to explicitly not call the Vikings' effort "soft", saying out loud that that's the worst thing you can call a football team. (Especially one that he played for.) Another McLaughlin field goal makes it 20-0 and this remains a game. Cousins sacked after a first down. Hockenson goes down one yard short of the first down. Vikings punt. Oh WAIT it's a fake, but the pass is high and incomplete.
Ryan missing throws. Third down pass for Pierce is way too far and it's another decent stand for the Vikings' defense as McLaughlin hits from 49. Cousins sacked again on third and 2. Pittman gets stopped well short of the first down. The ball comes out and the Vikings pick it up and run it back, but the refs ruled that forward progress was stopped, and that can't be challenged. Burleson doesn't like the call. Vikings start at their own 5 after the punt. Jefferson goes down for a couple of minutes before walking off. PICK SIX FOR JULIAN BLACKMON. Well, we hadn't had one of those yet. 30-0 Colts. Christ.
First down pass to Osborn gets a Bronx cheer. Osborn AGAIN! Colts challenge, and they might win this one. Call REVERSED, as his hands came off the ball when he hit the ground. Pereira spotted it first. Colts driving again as we reach two minutes. Vikings use their time outs to try to get a two-for-one, as they'll get the ball to start the second half. Highlight of Burleson returning a punt for a touchdown against the Colts on 2004 on Monday night. He says he was expecting to be player of the game. Eagle: "What happened?" Burleson: "Peyton Manning." Colts run off left tackle on third and 5. Really? Field goal makes it 33-0. Fans booing pretty loud at halftime. Vikings go three and out. OSBORN! This one will actually count, too. Perfect throw to Osborn for a Vikings touchdown. Colts return the kickoff to the 40. Hate that screen on third down. McLaughlin good from 52 and it's 36-7. "Let's Go Crazy" to break.
Vikings trying to rally? There'll be no big return THIS time. Big Reagor punt return is coming back. Jefferson gets flattened by Gilmore — taking a shot to the head — but still holds on. He's MAD. Cousins throws deep and it's picked off! Another bad throw or did Reagor run the wrong route? Who's to say. They're all frauds. Thielen finally gets a catch with 6:49 left in the GAME. Dude just vanishes in this offense at times like he never did when Zimmer was coaching. Osborn to the 14. Colts get called for interference in the end zone. Touchdown Thielen! PAT is good and it's 36-28. No clue why the Colts are leaning on Moss instead of Jackson here, as Jackson's clearly been the better back today. Ryan finds Campbell for a first down on third and 3. Jackson fumbles and Chandon Sullivan picks it up and scores... but they call it down AGAIN. That's the second time that's happened not just today, but TO HIM. Oh, that ball is OUT. Did the Vikings challenge or did the refs change the call? A furious Sullivan throws his helmet down and he gets flagged. Its Vikings ball, 15 yards back from where the fumble occurred. Vikings forced to go for it on 4th and 10, and they false start. Now it's 4th and 15. They should punt, honestly. Cousins gets sacked from behind. Moss runs for a first down. He gets stopped a yard short on third and 7. Ryan sneaks it and this'll be close. He didn't get it! Saturday just challenged the spot.
Still didn't get it. Dalvin Cook catches a screen pass. Shameful tackling by the Colts. Oh my God. TOUCHDOWN! Vikings have to go for two here. Hockenson ties it! Jebus.
Colts come up short on third and 5. They're not punting? Seriously? FALSE START. Now they have to punt.
Odeyingbo runs down Cousins. Colts call time out with 22 seconds left, but they let about 12 seconds run off before that. Punt is down at the 1 and we've got ten more minutes of this slop. They've delayed the kickoff for Ravens-Browns. Vikings win the toss. They get Buckner for a helmet-to-helmet hit on Cousins. Cook gets another first down. Cousins gets sacked, then his pass gets knocked down. Vikings punt instead of trying a 57-yard field goal. 4:50 left.
Tough catch by Pittman. Ball pops out, but it's ruled an incomplete pass (and the Colts fell on it anyway.) Pittman stretches out for the first down. Ryan hit as he throws and it's almost intercepted. Colts punt. 1:41 left. The last time any NFL team had two ties in one season was 1973, the year before the NFL introduced overtime. FOUR teams did it (Chiefs, Broncos, Browns, and Packers.) A tie would be deserved here, because despite everything, this has been a horribly played game. Cousins finds Thielen at the Colts' 41 with 35 seconds left. Jefferson makes a catch and the Colts swarm to him to prevent him from getting up. That'll draw a delay of game penalty, because they made it too obvious. Seven seconds left. Joseph from 40. It's GOOD. And that's the biggest comeback in NFL history.
Good teams win, etc. (Vikings 39, Colts 36, OT)

We arrive in Cleveland at the start of the second quarter. There's no score. Bill was being optimistic:

The Browns have a third down. Field goal unit comes on and we have points. No Lamar Jackson for the Ravens, who have simply decided to run the ball even more. Tucker ties it at 3. Watson goes downfield to Njoku, who gets inside the 5. He overthrows Njoku in the end zone on third down, who doesn't get the flag he wants. 6-3 Browns after the York field goal. First big play from Mark Andrews in weeks, it seems. Tucker MISSES? From 48?? It's the apocalypse. 6-3 Browns at the half. Huntley scrambles inside the 20 for a first down. Interception by Ward!
Two Cooper catches get the Browns into the red zone. Slant to Peoples-Jones for a touchdown. DeMarcus Robinson fumbles after the catch and the Browns have it. But they lose seven yards and punt. J.K. Dobbins for 37! Are those snowflakes? Tucker's 50-yarder is BLOCKED! This is his worst game ever. (Browns 13, Ravens 3)

Tua finds Mostert on a checkdown swing pass, and he sends Milano to the deep end. Waddle won't have to wait until the fourth quarter to catch a pass this week. Mostert picks up fourth and 1. Tua gets sacked as the pocket collapses and he didn't see Hill's slant. Field goal is good.

Allen to Knox for 45. Touchdown Quinten Morris and I don't know how he caught that pass. That looked like it was going off the defender's helmet. Mostert finds a hole on the right side, breaks FOUR tackles, and goes for 61 to the Bills' 8. Add half the distance for a horse collar and it's first and goal at the 4 to start the second quarter.
Why throw to Trent Sherfield there? Tua getting no help from his receivers. Field goal makes it 7-6. ZIP. Hey, a Gabriel Davis sighting. Play action to Diggs and the Bills are in the red zone. Wheel route to Hines for a touchdown. Announcers ask Pereira what the officials can do about all the snowball throwing. "They can run for cover." While that conversation happens, the officials briefly pause the game because of it.
Tua finds Waddle downfield. Tre'Davious White almost gets an interception on a ball thrown behind Waddle. Hill goes up to get it at the Bills' 11. Touchdown... Salvon Ahmed? He's only up because Jeff Wilson's hurt. Knox can't haul this one in. Singletary gets the first down. Another missed catch by Knox. Allen finds McKenzie at the 19. That holding penalty is the third one against the Dolphins on this drive. Allen scrambles right as the clock runs — and he finds James Cook in the end zone with zeroes on the clock.
Steve Smith with ski goggles on the field set at halftime. WADDLE! He won't be caught by anyone. He does the penguin dance in the end zone afterwards. Dolphins go for two but it's incomplete. The Dolphins almost don't catch up to this punt, but they manage to down it at the Bills' 1. Bills bring all the linebackers and get to Tua. Bills come after the punt but they hit the punter and that's a first down for the Dolphins. The Bills can't tackle either Mostert or Ahmed. Tua drops it in Tyreek's basket for a touchdown. Dolphins lead. McKenzie cuts off Diggs on a route and catches the ball. It's ruled incomplete. But maybe it wasn't? He got the knee down but did he keep control? Call STANDS. Diggs loses Xavien Howard deep (he fell down) but Allen overthrows him. Bills drop an interception. Allen is strip-sacked by Jalen Phillips and the Dolphins recover! Sanders hits a 47-yarder to make it 29-21 Dolphins with 12 minutes left. Allen takes off! That's designed. Gotta be. Allen gets hit out of bounds after another run and we got a scuffle on the sideline.
Allen gets rushed but finds Knox in the end zone! Allen tries to leap the pile for the two-point conversion, but he loses the ball, which gets knocked all the way back to the 30. The Bills challenge this, saying that the ball broke the plane before it came out — and they win it! We're tied! No one on the broadcast mentioned a challenge, and we didn't see anything until coming back from commercial.
Cedrick Wilson with a catch off a Bills' helmet. Snow is REALLY coming down now. Oh, I don't like this DPI call. Oh, never mind. They could have gotten the other Dolphins defender for holding, too. Ball's at the Dolphins' 11. Singletary goes down at the 2! Bills players try to scrape out a little landing patch for Bass. I guess it's good; I can't see the ball. But Bass just did a celebratory slide on his stomach, so I guess the game's over. (Bills 32, Dolphins 29)

Signal Finder: PHI @ CHI, PIT @ CAR, KC @ HOU (end), DAL @ JAX (end), CIN @ TB

After a long time, Teven Jenkins is carted off the field after an injury. Bears roll Fields left, but Wallace catches up to him before he can get the first down. He LOST a yard. The Bears go for it, but the pass in incomplete. Smith somehow stays inbounds for a 20-yard gain. Hurts rushes this throw and it gets picked off. Sweat with a sack on third and 10. Eagles go three and out. Hargrave with a sack. Smith takes a quick slant across the field and goes for 43! Slant to Brown for 17. Jalen Johnson with a great play to break up what would have been a touchdown for Brown. Field goal is good. Fields escapes the blitz and finds Montgomery for a good gain. Reddick blasts Fields but the Bears recover the fumble. Fields follows up with a ridiculous run (aided by some abysmal tackling). He's ruled out at the nine-yard line. Montgomery scores untouched. Extra point misses left. Hurts throws another interception, and it's returned to the Eagles' 25.

This time Reddick finishes the sack. Alex Leatherwood showing why he was a first-round bust with the Raiders. The Bears are punting? And passing up a 48-yarder? Ouch. Fans rightly booing this decision. Hey, a Sanders carry. Two minute warning. Smith's having a half. 37 on 3rd and 3. I wasn't sure he'd catch that. He's only got three catches? Huh. Bears bring the safety and Hurts runs right past everyone for a touchdown! He could have walked in backwards. Sweat sack ends the half. 10-6 Eagles. Boston Scott returns the second half kickoff to the Bears' 44! Rainbow throw to Brown inside the 5. Hurts sneak finds paydirt. Riley Reiff's a Bear? That's three-quarters of the NFC North for him. Hargrave with his second sack today and the Bears have no answer for the Eagles' defensive line. Sanders FUMBLES and it's Bears ball at the Eagles' 14. Eagles blitz, leaving Montgomery wide open for a touchdown catch. The Bears keep losing guys off an already undermanned defense, leading to the announcers talking about how healthy the Eagles have been. Hurts gets popped on a draw. Bears run an end around but it's fumbled and Reddick's on it! Hurts gets sacked when he had time to throw it away. Brown gets nine back and they go for it on 4th and 6. Johnson knocks it away from Brown. Bears go three and out, but the punt is downed at the Eagles' 3. Eagles beat the blitz on third down with a screen to Smith. Sanders with a good run, which the running backs haven't had too many of. Eagles go on 4th and 2 and Hurts gets three. Chains come out and he JUST got it. Hurts overthrows Smith in the end zone. Elliott field goal CLANGS off the upright and it's no good!
Fields gets to 1,000 rushing yards. Bears get called for holding on the next play and Fields comes up limping. Nathan Peterman is in on third and 14. Slay breaks up the pass. Hurts goes deep for Brown, who finally beats Johnson and goes down the sideline for 68 yards before Brisker comes in to save the touchdown. Sanders gets to the goal line but not over it. Replay clearly shows his elbow was down. Hurts sneak works but there's a flag. TWO Bears were offsides. Then they line up to go for two (with backup center Cam Jurgens in motion!) and the Bears jump again. This time Hurts goes left and goes in (and gets rolled up afterwards.) Fields back in. Fields scrambles, and everyone loses Byron Pringle, who has the easiest touchdown ever. Eagles quickly move into Bears territory. Two-minute warning. Slant to Brown on third and 6 finishes it.
(Eagles 25, Bears 20)

Yep. Zach Wilson wasn't great, but that was a winnable game and the coaches blew it. (Lions 20, Jets 17)

Trubisky starting for the Steelers with Pickett in concussion protocol. Harris pushes Chinn out of the way and rolls over another defender into the end zone. Darnold throws to the near corner of the end zone. If Moore caught that, that's a touchdown. He did, it is, and we're tied. Gumbel trying to sell the badness of the NFC South as "intriguing," but I'm not even sure he's buying it. Jaylen Warren goes in from three yards out. Refs rule that what looked like a great play to down this Steelers punt at the Panthers' 1 didn't work, and it's a touchback. Corgi derby at halftime! Steelers run a reverse with Steven Sims out of tempo and he gets 22. Diontae Johnson doesn't have a touchdown catch? I know the Steelers haven't been great this season but that feels weird. Johnson spins out of two tacklers TWICE to get this first down, but then he gets called for taunting. Warren gets stopped at the goal line, but Trubisky doesn't. A 21-play drive? Good God. 21-7 Steelers. Darnold keeps it for some reason on third and 8 and goes nowhere. Ball comes loose but he's ruled down. Field goal is good. The Steelers defense has been awful between the 20s in this half but isn't allowing anything at the goal line. Panthers settle for another field goal with 6:30 left. Trubisky sneak picks up third and short. Boswell hits from 50 and that should do it. There's a scuffle on the Panthers' onside kick but let's not get too dramatic. (Steelers 24, Panthers 16)

Cowboys choking like dogs. Delicious. It was 27-10 at one point! Zay Jones has THREE touchdowns? He's FEASTING.

He should give all of the money back. Cowboys come back and retake the lead. 2:01 left. OH NO JAGUARS. Lawrence got blasted and fumbles. Are the Jaguars gonna get the ball back? Yep. Patterson from 48. It's GOOD. Overtime! Prescott pass gets batted around and Rayshawn Jenkins comes up with it! He's running it back! TOUCHDOWN? Yeah, that was a clean scoop! Jaguars win! WOW. (Jaguars 40, Cowboys 34, OT)

The Texans get paid, too, you know. Mahomes scramble. Texans call their last time out. Butker misses from 51. Reid playing for a field goal there didn't make any sense, especially with all of their time outs. At least try to get closer. Kelce picks up a first down. Drive stalls and the Chiefs punt. Mills gets hit from behind on the run and fumbles! Big scramble, and William Gay comes out of the pile with it, and the refs finally signal Chiefs ball! Touchdown McKinnon on the first snap!

They've seemed happier. (Chiefs 30, Texans 24, OT)

If I had Matt Patricia and Joe Judge trying to run an offense, I'd yell at people too.

Stevenson! Patriots lead somehow, after all of... that. Then the Keelan Cole "touchdown" happened. Weird to see the Patriots get screwed by bad officiating for once. WHAT THE HELL???
Belichick's lost it. That's a fireable offense.
McDaniels taking a big risk meeting Belichick at midfield. That's a good way to catch a shiv. (Raiders 30, Patriots 24)

Tannehill came back into this game after being carted off earlier. Ekeler gives the Chargers the lead in the fourth. Dicker does it again! The Titans have lost four in a row... and the Jaguars are one game back. (Chargers 17, Titans 14)

Carlton Davis gets an interception off a tip. Bates should have had that end zone pick. Field goal is good. Bengals challenge this Evans catch on fourth and 2, claiming it hit the ground. Call STANDS. Brady finds Gage in the back corner for a touchdown on fourth and goal from the 2. 10-0 Bucs. Burrow was getting a fingernail on his right hand worked on during that drive. Bengals offense just can't get started. Succop misses from 50. Brady's 600th attempt of the season is a completion to Godwin. Quick screen to Godwin and he scores. Bengals get into field goal range, but Burrow checks down with 12 seconds left and they can't get out of bounds. They end up spiking it and McPherson salvages a field goal. Buccaneers try a fake punt, but Gio Bernard drops the snap! Bengals get the ball deep in Bucs territory. (Why even run a fake there?) Bucs have shut down Chase and the Bengals kick another field goal. A SIX-yard kickoff return? Brady gets picked off! Chase wants a flag on Murphy-Bunting, and he should have gotten it. They go for it (the Bengals are the worst fourth-down team in the league) and Burrow gets chased all the way back to midfield — but a defensive holding call gives the Bengals an automatic first. That's a makeup call but what the heck was Burrow thinking? They flag Davis for a face mask on Chase, giving the Bengals first and goal at the 5. Touchdown Higgins. Two-point pass is knocked away. Brady gets sacked on third down and fumbles! Bengals ball! Chase fights for eight yards. Every Bengals running play is a slog. Touchdown Boyd! The Buccaneers have self-destructed in this quarter. Higgins barely holds on to the two-point try. 20-17 Bengals. Buccaneers fumble AGAIN! Fournette straight-up dropped the handoff and D.J. Reader recovers! Then Murphy-Bunting drops a sure interception. Burrow finds Wilcox for 18. Touchdown Chase and this is an implosion. Twenty-seven unanswered. Burrow is somehow the first Bengals QB with back-to-back 30 touchdown pass seasons.

Did they call that an interception? How does Bowles not challenge that? Bengals punt and the Bucs start at their own 2. They get nine yards, but decide to punt with 9:24 left.
(Bengals 34, Buccaneers 23)

MSNBC's Steve Kornacki is absolutely clowning the entire Football Night In America team for unanimously picking the Dolphins last week. (The Chargers won last week.) (It's the fifth time that's happened on FNIA.) FLEXING, by the way. Another tie would be unspeakably hilarious. "From just outside our nation's capital." The winner's in great shape; the loser's in really bad shape. Commanders moving, helped by Curtis Samuel converting fourth and 1. Heinecke sacked. Collinsworth is glad to be at a Giants-Washington game that matters again. The wind's in the Commanders' face, so they punt instead of trying a 52-yarder, but Richie James returns the punt 23 yards. Brian Robinson running tough. Heinecke runs for a first down. Slye hits from 41 for the game's first points. Heinecke's already 29? McCain stops Hodgins and the Giants punt. That's a good kick. Thibodeaux blows the whole thing up, forces a fumble, and recovers it for a touchdown! Fuller swipes at Hodgins to save about 15 more yards after Hodgins went down after the catch. Jones to James inside the Commanders' 20. Hodgins gets to the 5. Tirico and Collinsworth say the Giants are just starting their rebuild and say Jones and Barkley are their biggest offseason decisions. Touchdown Barkley. 14-3 Giants at halftime.
McLaurin! Dotson catches a touchdown on a throw from Heinecke that had no room for error. Commanders go for two and get it, but it's called back for OPI. Then they miss the kick! Jones fumbles! But his elbow was down, so this'll get reversed. Barkley runs through the pile for a first down. Gano makes it 17-9. Dude gets bent the wrong way on this punt return but he's ruled down. Field goal makes it 17-12.
Commanders force a punt with 9:12 left. Heinecke to Dotson for 61! Heinecke takes a bad sack and now it's 4th and 9. Wait, the Giants are challenging and saying that Heinecke actually fumbled. Oh BOY. This might work. It does! Giants ball!
Payne leaves early and Barkley runs through the hole he left behind. Barkley again. And AGAIN. The Commanders can't stop him. The Giants can't get third and 6 and we're at the two-minute warning. Gano from 50 is good. No one tracks Samuel and the Commanders are at the 30 already. High snap, and then McCloud drops a sure interception in the end zone. Heinecke scrambles to the 1 and gets hit inbounds. Giants call their second time out. They review it and rule that he did go out of bounds, so the Giants get their time out back and eight seconds back on the clock. Robinson goes into the pile for the touchdown, but an illegal formation penalty wipes it out. Heinecke forced into an incompletion. Pass is broken up!
(Giants 20, Commanders 12)

What is this terrible song they've been using in the ads for this game? It's 15 degrees at kickoff. Rams lose their center on the first snap. Preston Smith finally gets Mayfield down after a few too many seconds. Rodgers currently on a W8 on Monday nights. He finds Lazard on the sideline, then the returning Romeo Doubs for 11. Packers want a flag on Ramsey for interfering with Watson but he doesn't get it. (Did no one see Ramsey grab Watson's jersey?) Then he gets sacked on third down. Field goal is good. Aikman talks about how hard it had to be for Mayfield to pick up any of the Rams' playbook in two days. Quay Walker almost had a pick-six. Gay ties it at 3.

Packers call time out on 4th and 3 from the Rams' 17. Peyton doesn't think it'll work if they go for it, while George Kittle predicts they'll kick the field goal. Everybody's wrong, as they hand it to Aaron Jones and he gets four. Touchdown Dillon. Mayfield goes down and fumbles but the Rams keep it. Then he finds Van Jefferson for 15. Drive stalls and Gay hits from 55. 10-6 Packers at halftime. Two Rams collide and Cobb still drops the ball in the end zone. Late flag comes out and it's illegal contact on Ramsey — who was on the opposite side of the field. Touchdown Dillon, his second of the night. Ray Lewis and DeMarcus Ware join the show. They will be the Mannings' respective defensive coordinators in the Pro Bowl flag game. The first topic of discussion is the Patriots doing some top-shelf Raiders shit. Short Rams punt gets returned to midfield, and a face mask against the Rams moves it 15 yards closer. Jones touchdown catch on the sideline makes it 24-6. HIGBEE. Two-point try fails. Lewis clowns Ware for getting completely fooled on a Peyton bootleg touchdown against the Cowboys. He was lined up on that side of the field! Rasul Douglas intercepts Mayfield, then he tries to lateral it, drawing the expected response. Aaron Jones appears to fumble. Let's see what the flag is. There's two: a face mask on the Packers before the fumble, and unsportsmanlike conduct on the Rams after the play ended.
So it's Rams ball at their own 15 with 10:55 left. They go nowhere. Lil' Wayne's on. Are they gonna ask him if the's ever gonna make a good song again? Make that a W9 for Rodgers on Monday night. The Packers are still technically in it. (Packers 24, Rams 12)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (13-1) — Just cold enough
2. San Francisco (10-4) — Hurt Purdy does just enough
3. Buffalo (11-3) — Control yourselves, please
4. Cincinnati (10-4) — Defying the Super Bowl losers' curse

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (4-10) — Real lost season here
30. Chicago (3-11) — Tough, but outmanned
31. L.A. Rams (4-10) — Out of ammo
32. Houston (1-12-1) — So close yet again

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Friday, December 23, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Know Your Formulas

Well, this will probably suck. Touchdown Jacobs, who's been on fire the last few weeks. John Wolford starts at quarterback for the Rams. Al and Kirk dancing around the fact that if the residents of L.A. had their druthers, they'd rather have the Raiders back than the Rams. Bobby Wagner blows up this third-down play. Carlson makes a 52-yarder over Ramsey to make it 10-0 Raiders. Here comes Baker Mayfield, who just joined the team two days ago and is wearing No. 17 because that's the only eligible QB number the Rams have left. First play is a pass and it's complete to Van Jefferson for 21! Al says the Rams were the only team that put in a waiver claim on him. Rams get on the board with a field goal.
Mack Hollins lives! 13-3 Raiders. This offense is moving under Mayfield. Skowronek with a jumping catch on third and 13. Then Cam Akers fumbles and the Raiders recover. Adams picks that one out of the air. A big part of the Raiders stopping sucking is that they're finally getting that guy the ball. Carr throws a floater into the end zone and it gets intercepted. What happened there? It stays 13-3 going into halftime.
Jacobs is out with a hand injury. Atwell gets bumped in the open field, drawing a clear DPI flag. A Rams lineman shoves a Raider after third down, drawing a personal foul and basically putting them out of field goal range. Gay can't hit this. It's 61 yards. Nope.
Jacobs back in, and he shakes out his right hand after a stiff-arm. Carlson makes it 16-3 Raiders. There's no reason to overturn this catch. And they don't. HIGBEE. Rams should probably speed up a little bit with 7:30 left. It's down to 4:40 and it's fourth and goal from the 2. Herbstreit says he arrived in L.A. on Wednesday morning — before Mayfield. Pass to Akers and he gets the first down at the 1. Touchdown Akers.
The Raiders PUNT on fourth and 1 at the two-minute warning, and it bounces down the sideline before stopping at the Rams' 2. My goodness. Maxx Crosby's been eating Havenstein alive all night. Then Jerry Tillery commits a stupid personal foul by knocking the ball out of Mayfield's hands after the play was over. Skowronek goes over the defender! Skowronek again! Mayfield spikes it with 15 seconds left. TOUCHDOWN JEFFERSON!!! Nine seconds left!
PAT is GOOD. That was a really good throw. He went 98 yards on two days of practice!

Taylor Rapp with a game-sealing interception. crosses off Raiders (Rams 17, Raiders 16)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYG, HOU @ DAL (end), MIN @ DET (end), KC @ DEN, TB @ SF

The Giants will have Barkley today despite a neck injury. They'll also have the ball first. Two sacks after a first down puts an end to any good opening drive vibes. Let's see if Sirianni has been told about Boston Scott versus the Giants, who are still missing McKinney and Jackson from their secondary. Brown with a not-great drop. Hurts finds Smith for a first down with a perfectly placed throw. Defensive penalty gives the Eagles another first down. More Calcaterra on this series than I was expecting.

Touchdown Sanders. Giants get another first down and then the drive stalls again. Hurts looks for Sanders deep down the sideline but he can't stay inbounds. He beats a third-down blitz and finds Quez for a first down. The Giants send pressure again and this time Hurts runs for the first. How you do deal with this? Fourth and 7? Really? Hurts lofts it to Smith, who catches it between two Giants and walks into the end zone! The safety whiffed on it and that was that. Moose compares it to how the Minneapolis Miracle happened. I would not have done that but I don't have those dudes at my disposal. Rinse and repeat for the Giants. The Giants punter drops the snap, which may have saved at least the distance he actually kicked it, because that was almost blocked. Apparently you can't kick the ball after you drop it? I didn't know that and I feel like I should've.
Refs discuss it and it's a 10-yard penalty against the Giants and loss of down for an illegal kick. Eagles ball at the Giants' 33, and Hurts finds Brown immediately for a touchdown. 21-0 and it's been entirely too easy. Barkley gets a second first down on a Giants drive. Blankenship slips on the turf and is hurt. Giants punt pins the Eagles inside their own 10, their best play so far. Thibodeaux gets to Hurts. Punt is BLOCKED! Siposs picks it up and runs with it, then comes up limping. That sack set that up — he was punting from the 2 or something like that. Giants take over at the Eagles' 15. Jones rolls out, buys time, and finds Isaiah Hodgins for the score. Boston Scott with a 66-yard kickoff return! Sanders to the 10. Giants getting pressure now. Eagles settle for a field goal (with Covey replacing Siposs as the holder.) Eagles force a punt and lead 24-7 at halftime. It's raining harder as the second half begins. Sanders and Hurts running over the Giants now.
Brown run the wrong route there? Smith can't stay inbounds on third down. Field goal makes it 27-7. Jones rolls right and takes off. Brightwell? Good job by Jones to get the ball out there. Jones keeper gets in. Eagles sneak gets whistled dead because of an injury, then they line up to do it again but pitch it outside to Sanders for a first down. Hurts scores on a draw. 34-14. Offensive pass interference cancels out a fourth down pickup by the Giants. Moose isn't sure about that one, but the Giants punt. Elliott has to punt with Siposs out. That was... fine. Reddick misses Jones, who finds Slayton (who actually catches it) for 38. Eagles bring everyone on 4th and 8 and Jones throws incomplete. SANDERS! That's it. Tyrod in for the Giants. Graham sacks him and Patrick Johnson recovers. Minshew in for Hurts now. Eagles have their backup offensive line in and the Giants still can't stop Boston Scott. (Also, Lane Johnson's out with an abdominal injury, which bears watching.) That's Graham's third sack today.
PLAYOFFS. (Eagles 48, Giants 22)

Welcome in, Jameson Williams. That touchdown looked... familiar. PENEI SEWELL with the catch on a tackle-eligible play! Start the bus. They sent that man in MOTION. 49-yarder ices it. Vegas KNOWS. (Lions 34, Vikings 23)

The Texans get ANOTHER interception! This is a very different sequence if Dameon Pierce is out there instead of Rex Burkhead. Don't you have to kick the field goal at this point? I didn't like any of that. Dak finds Schultz immediately for 21. Schultz again for 13. Hey, maybe cover that guy, Texans? And Zeke scores. That's unfortunate. Hail Mary is picked off. (Cowboys 27, Texans 23)

Mahomes just flips it to McKinnon under duress and he takes it 56 yards. 13-0 Chiefs.

The Broncos don't seem to have an answer for McKinnon, of all people. He's got another touchdown and it's 20-0. OH MY GOD. Willie Gay tips this Wilson pass, catches it, and turns it into a pick-six. Now it's 27-0. Does Hackett survive this half?
Refs rule this a Broncos interception. Chiefs seem content to just let Wilson run the ball himself. A misplay on defense leaves Jeudy alone in the end zone and it's 27-14 at the half. Broncos get the second half kickoff. MARLON MACK LIVES! It's 27-21! WTF, Chiefs?
Broncos sack Mahomes on third and 4. Chiefs get to Wilson on back-to-back plays. Mahomes with plenty of time to find Gray. Mahomes runs around and finds Smith-Schuster in the back of the end zone. 34-21 Chiefs. Broncos go for it on 4th and 4, and Jeudy may have baited Trent McDuffie into pass interference. Wilson gets cracked going for the end zone and he hits the ground hard. Yeah, he's out, and you can tell he's out by looking at him. Brett Rypien comes in and he finds Jeudy for his third touchdown catch today. Mahomes with a God-awful interception. What the hell was he looking at and how did he think that pass was going to get anything but intercepted? Rypien still in as we learn (unsurprisingly) that Wilson's in concussion protocol. Then he gets pressured into an interception two plays later! Broncos are rattled. They can't get a stop and the Chiefs are just gonna run out the last five minutes here.
That's 14 in a row for the Chiefs over the Broncos. That's hard to do! (Chiefs 34, Broncos 28)

One hundred tickets for Club Brady as he returns to Northern California. Keanu Neal sacks Purdy but hits him high. Kittle! McCaffrey gets 20. Deebo takes a pitch from the backfield and he's got a touchdown. Succop misses from 55. Purdy doesn't see Jennings downfield, scrambles out of bounds, but there was offensive holding anyway. Long touchdown to Evans comes back because of a hold. Bucs can't regroup. Another penalty from Neal — this one interference — sets up the 49ers with first and goal. Purdy drops back, gets pressured, and runs it in himself.

Kittle in the backfield, McCaffrey out wide, and it's McCaffrey who catches the long touchdown. They're reviewing this for possession? He got both feet in and regained possession. This should stand. And it does. 21-0 49ers.
Deebo's down. And here comes the cart. Brady hits a long pass to Godwin. Fourth and 1 and the Bucs line up in the shotgun. Brady throws behind Evans. Those two just haven't connected this year. Purdy gets intercepted, but a questionable penalty on Carlton Davis wipes it out. Then he finds Aiyuk for a touchdown on the next play! Aiyuk SMOKED Dean. My goodness. 28-0 49ers at the half.
McCaffrey finds a hole in the middle, cuts to the outside, and outruns everyone in the stadium.
Very generous of the 49ers to allow the Buccaneers to score. Gould misses from 50. There's still five minutes left?
(49ers 35, Buccaneers 7)

FLEXING. Tua vs. Herbert! Dolphins stuff the Chargers on third and goal. Carter loses his footing after the catch and gets stopped short!

The other thing is that Carter can't be your guy there. Tua finds Tyreek to get out of the end zone and to the 16. Two Chargers had a shot at an interception on third down but neither got there. Dolphins challenge this deep pass to Joshua Palmer to no avail. That ends a scoreless first. Dicker hits from 33. Tyreek loses track of the ball. Joshua Kelley runs to the Dolphins' 12. Herbert rolls out and Mike Williams reaches out and catches it for a touchdown! Good job by him both getting it and getting both feet down, as that pass looked badly overthrown. Wait, what? WHAT?! Tyreek just picked up a fumble and ran 50 yards for a touchdown! Replay shows it somehow got knocked out of the pile-up and Hill saw it, picked it up, and took off.
Herbert finds Allen for another first down. He finds Palmer on the sideline after overthrowing him on a deep shot earlier. Sack! Ekeler gets all the way back to the 1 before going out of bounds. I don't need to tell you they're going for it here. Ekeler goes to the left side and punches his way in. How the hell is that roughing the passer? Everett with a bad misplay. Mostert gets a few yards on the ground for a Dolphins team that's done nothing on offense tonight. UNTIL NOW. Tyreek in single coverage? No chance. 17-14. Herbert finds Williams for 56! Man, if he goes the other way when he gets up, he scores because I don't think he was touched when he went down after making the catch. Allen goes out of bounds at the Dolphins' 8. They kick the field goal, which honestly surprises me. The fourth quarter opens with Waddle finally catching a pass. Tua scrambles for a first down. That's intentional grounding.
We finally get a reference to these teams' 1981 playoff game with the famous shot of Kellen Winslow being helped off the field. Palmer wants a flag but doesn't get one. Lot of Allen on this drive. Herbert scramble! Chargers are trying to just end this game. Fumble but they recover. Dicker makes a 28-yarder with 2:45 left and it's 23-14.
Sanders hits a 55-yarder with 1:10 left. Onside kick and we got a SCRUM. The Chargers end up with it — and a much-needed win. (Chargers 23, Dolphins 17)

Murray's down after a scramble. Colt McCoy's in. Corey Clement! Prater misses left! Genuinely surprised that Parker catch stood. Now Stevenson's down for the Pats. Prater hits from 30. Bill Simmons is on the Manningcast as the second quarter begins. (There's... history here.) I believe this is his first on-air appearance on ESPN since he was fired.

He thinks the Cardinals might be better off with McCoy against the Patriots. Have the Celtics overtaken the Patriots in Boston? Bill's going to Celtics-Clippers after this. Touchdown Kevin Harris, who's filling in for Stevenson, who's filling in for Damien Harris, if you're wondering how things are going on offense for the Patriots. Now Conner's down on the sideline. Hopkins spins out of a tackle and into another one. THEY SHOWED THE HELMET CATCH. Simmons admits that the 2007 Giants team legitimately beat them, but that the 2011 Patriots gave the game away. I think the '07 Giants beat the brakes off the '11 Giants. McCoy overthrows Hopkins in the back of the end zone. Eli: "Can we see it one more time?"
Field goal makes it 7-6. Simmons doesn't think Belichick will step down any time soon. Conner back in for the Cardinals, which is a rare piece of good injury news tonight, as the Patriots have also lost Parker. RIDIDCULOUS one-handed catch by Robby Anderson. And that's a touchdown for Conner. Cardinals pass on a field goal for no good reason. Big-time throw from Mac. Did Mac just fumble the snap? Peyton: "What in the world?" It was a bad handoff and there's four seconds left. These two teams are not coached well, and you haven't been able to say that about one of these teams in a long time. Field goal is good and it's 13-10 at halftime. Eli says it should be 20-7 or 16-7.
The Mannings are wearing big hats, Brian Robinson style. Folk field goal ties it. Noted Lions fan Keegan-Michael Key is on and he predicts that the Lions will make the playoffs. Hopkins fumbles and the Patriots pick it up and return it for a touchdown! McCoy gets hit as he throws and it's picked off. This fell apart QUICK. On the NEXT PLAY, the PATRIOTS fumble and the Cardinals return it for a touchdown! Did it even hit the ground? Now they're calling it an incomplete pass. I'd challenge that. The Cardinals don't, which is why they stink. Fullback touchdown. 27-13 Pats. We now have a montage of Adam Viniatieri trick plays. McCoy somehow never backed up either Manning brother. (He got to New York after Eli retired.) They marvel over Baker Mayfield winning a game with two days of prep in advance of Rams-Packers next week, the last regular season Manningcast. (Patriots 27, Cardinals 13)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (12-1) — A little bit of everything
2. San Francisco (9-4) — That was... unexpectedly great
3. Buffalo (10-3) — Had to grind this one out
4. Dallas (10-3) — This is why nobody takes them seriously

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Chicago (3-10) — The way forward is obvious
30. L.A. Rams (4-9) — A win worthy of Hollywood
31. Denver (3-10) — I cannot process that
32. Houston (1-11-1) — So close!

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Thursday, December 15, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Go Your Own Way

Patriots almost fumble on their first drive. Now the Bills are moving backwards. Are they going for it? They get there! And it ends with a field goal. Stevenson fumbles again but the Patriots recover again.


Note: Marcus Jones is the defensive back who had the game-winning punt return against the Jets, if you were wondering about the state of things in Patriotsland. James Cook converts a long third down. Allen finds Diggs in the back corner for a touchdown.

A hold on the ensuing kickoff pins the Patriots deep and they can't recover. Bills picking away at this defense. Allen scrambles to the sideline and throws back across to Gabriel Davis for a touchdown! He still had a guy on him when he threw that.


Not much more from the Patriots offense so far. This Diggs touchdown is called back because of a penalty. Ball's out! Judon recovers for the Pats with 1:20 left in the half. Why are they running the ball? Oh, right, because they have a defensive coordinator and a special teams coordinator running their offense. Folk hits from 48. No. Bullshit. Five yards out of bounds and they say Poyer lost control? Fuck that. That's an interception. And then they call a five-yard route on 3rd and 14? The Patriots are, once again, an unserious franchise.

Diggs gets held and still makes the catch. Always awkward. Diggs is basically unguardable tonight. Touchdown Singletary. Mac slides short of the first down, is slow to get up, but finds Thornton to pick up fourth and 1. Mac throws a hospital ball to Meyers, who drops it after getting sandwiched in the end zone. Hamlin gets tossed for the hit. Mac gets sacked.

Two minutes left like this isn't a foregone conclusion. (Bills 24, Patriots 10)

Signal Finder: TEN @ PHI, NYJ @ MIN, WSH @ NYG (end), KC @ CIN, LAC @ LV (end)

Eagles starting off choppy with two false starts on the first set of downs. Then Hurts finds Smith wide open on third and 8. Nice spin move by Gainwell. Hurts throws too high for Watkins, then he finds Smith at the 2, and he spins into the end zone.


Hargrave sacks Tannehill on third and 4. Henry getting nothing after first contact so far, which is critical. Tannehill overthrows Hooper on third and 7. Then he takes off on fourth down and picks it up. He finds Burks in traffic in the end zone, and Burks takes a hit but holds on to the ball. Epps hit him helmet-to-helmet and that's what the flag was. Six penalties already for the Eagles after one quarter.

Vrabel challenges this Smith catch. This isn't a smart challenge even if he wins it. Call REVERSED. Hurts to Jack Stoll for 26, who then false starts on the next play. Hurts throws deep for A.J., who has what looks like a touchdown called back because his right foot was out of bounds. Now he's wide open for another touchdown, but what's THIS flag? It's defensive pass interference on Kristian Fulton, who didn't survive it. 14-7 Eagles. This time Cox doesn't let Tannehill escape. Not crazy about this call against the Titans on the Hurts run. Dillard in at guard? Huh? Brown trying to keep the peace after Hurts took a shot to the helmet. ANOTHER false start. Olsen's as baffled as the rest of us. Hurts fumbles, but the Eagles recover, but lose four yards and they're out of field goal range. Bradberry just misses an interception. Okonkwo over the middle for 40!

False start on the Titans on third and 1. Sweat gets to Tannehill. Bullock hits from 36. Burkhardt correctly describes this first half as "disjointed." Hurts underthrows Brown but that's a DPI flag. Olsen doesn't like that an underthrown ball can draw that flag. "What's a defender supposed to do?" Hurts draw gets stopped at the 2. Bootleg turns into cash. Eagles get the ball back and throw a short pass to Smith with one second left. He gets blockers but doesn't score. Halftime. Eagles challenge this incompletion to Woods, contending it's a catch and fumble. Call STANDS. Reddick and Sweat sack Tannehill. Britain Covey having his best game as a punt returner. Touchdown Brown! Took that off the defender's shoulder. That's good coverage! I thought it was Byard at first before I saw the jersey number was 30. Tannehill back in after getting his ankle taped after another sack. The Eagles have bottled Henry up, and this may be the worst wide receiver group in the league without Burks. Burkhardt: "If we could go, say, three plays without a penalty, I might throw a party at this point." Another sack! DOUBLE REVERSE FLEA FLICKER? Gets four yards. How do you call a false start on the quarterback? SNEAK. Brown still in Adams' face about twisting his leg after a tackle earlier. Field goal is good but there's a flag.

Neutral zone infraction on the Titans, and that's an easy one. Now it's 4th and 1 again, and the sneak pays off. Touchdown Sanders. I'm surprised the Titans sent Tannehill back out there, and Olsen's saying it's time to go get him. Willis is in on this next drive.

Truth. (Eagles 35, Titans 10)

The last time DeShaun Watson quarterbacked a team for a full season, it was the other team and they won four games. Let's remember that, too. Meanwhile, FUNFER. Peoples-Jones breaks two tackles and takes this punt 77 yards back for a touchdown!


Texans finish with a hard 14. (Browns 27, Titans 14)

That's deflected and intercepted by Harrison Smith. Then the Vikings get one yard and kick a field goal. Jets tie it with a field goal of their own. Jefferson makes a one-handed catch and takes a lick from... Jordan Whitehead? He's a Jet? Huh. (He also got called for unnecessary roughness.) Jefferson can't bring in a deep ball over his shoulder. Cousins takes off (!) and just beats C.J. Mosley to the first down marker. Reagor making plays? What are the Jets challenging here? The spot? Call STANDS. Alexander Mattison follows a big hole and scores easily. 17-3 Vikings. Legatron hits from 60. Garrett Wilson with a tough catch over the middle, then he breaks a tackle. White finds Uzomah downfield for a big gain. The drive dies inside the Vikings' 15. Field goal makes it 20-12. Jets are back in the red zone. Too much Brandon Berrios here. Third down pass gets knocked down at the line and the Jets again settle for three. Touchdown Jefferson! That will do it, probably. This Vikings defense has been bending all game. White keeps it at the goal line but he's ruled short. Jets challenge. This is close. No, it's not — he's in. Call REVERSED. Touchdown Jets with 6:45 left. Quinnen Williams down and that's a huge problem. Jets get a big sack. White just overthrows Garrett Wilson, and that was a touchdown. White finds Corey Davis on fourth and 10! Knight's not the guy here. Where's Robinson? Fourth and goal. Berrios drops it! That was a case of going to the wrong players in a big moment. The only good thing here is that the Vikings are inside their own 5. Jets defense holds and they get the ball in Vikings territory with 1:19 left. White to Wilson and the Jets are in the red zone! Three straight incompletions. Interception! The Vikings escape AGAIN. (Vikings 27, Jets 22)

This is the kind of game the Ravens have been losing for the last two years. But the Broncos offense is so bad it won't matter, even without Lamar. (Ravens 10, Broncos 9)

Dotson making MOVES. Touchdown and it's tied at 20. We come here still in overtime with 1:42 left and the Giants lining up on 4th and 3. Vilma's completely wrong here — if they punt, they're not getting the ball back. The Giants then take the delay of game and punt, which is a terrible decision. You don't think Barkley can get three yards? Come on, man.


The Commanders don't block Thibodeau and he almost gets a safety! That was WAY too close. Forty-nine seconds left and the clock's running as the Commanders set up to punt. Giants get the ball back with 28 seconds left. Here's Gano from 58. SHORT. That's the Giants' first tie since 1997, which was also against Washington. Oh my GOD did the Giants blow this. (Commanders 20, Giants 20, OT)

TRENT SHERFIELD? REALLY? And now Garoppolo's being carted to the locker room.


Broken foot for Garoppolo. Christ. (49ers 33, Dolphins 17)

Bengals have Chase back, but not Mixon. Boyd to the Chiefs' 5. Burrow scores on a quarterback draw. Mahomes has a pass knocked down on third down, then tackles a defender who was closing in on it. Romo points this out but CBS cuts the replay off before they can show it. Field goal is good. Thornhill picks off Burrow but it's coming back. Another big Chiefs penalty. Touchdown Higgins. Chase gets called for taunting and Zac Taylor is livid. Chiefs shooting themselves in the foot — a holding call brings back a big Justin Watson catch. Chase with an obvious pushoff. Has anyone pronounced Christine McVie's name correctly today?


Mahomes throws into what turns into triple coverage. Smith-Schuster continues to pay dividends. McKinnon finds a hole and gets to the 1. Then he runs into his own lineman. Mahomes throws to him for a touchdown. 14-10 Bengals. Chase! He hurdles Thornhill and goes out of bounds after getting 40 yards. The Chiefs cannot defend these guys. Nantz mentions the tie and calls them the Redskins. Bengals go for it on 4th and 1 from the Chiefs' 3. They don't sneak it and Carlos Dunlap (!!) blows it up!

Kelce finally with a catch against the Bengals. Touchdown Pacheco and the Chiefs lead. Boyd drops an easy touchdown. Wow. Field goal ties it. MVS with a big play! Wildcat to McKinnon goes nowhere. Now the Chiefs are going for it. Mahomes has to keep it, and he goes up over a defender into the end zone! He fumbles but it's ruled that he broke the plane beforehand. Burrow scrambles! Third quarter ends. Burrow throws for Higgins but he's out of bounds in an almost carbon copy of the Brown play in Titans-Eagles. Chiefs accept an illegal man downfield penalty, and the Bengals can't convert third and 6. Kelce gets the ball stripped and the Bengals have it! Touchdown... Chris Evans? (Not that one.) Mahomes gets caught from behind and he limps off. Butker from 55. This is doable. He hooked it right! Bengals take over. They get too cute with clock management and Burrow ends up getting sacked on the long side of the two-minute warning. Burrow with a laser to Higgins and that's it. And the Bills are back in the 1-seed. (Bengals 27, Chiefs 24)

Some major collisions on this Cowboys punt, and there's a flag and the Colts will have good field position. They turn it into three on a 52-yard McLaughlin field goal. Cowboys run hurry-up after this Schultz catch where the ball came out afterwards. And they were smart to do so, as that may have actually been a fumble. Lamb spins out of a tackle and scores. Was anything down? The Colts seem to think so but I don't see anything. Ryan finds Alec Pierce on the sideline. Touchdown... Ashton Dulin? He beat Trayvon Diggs BADLY, which is a thing that happens. Zeke gets 12 on third and 15. "Backwater" into the break.

Colts can't tackle Lamb. Pollard touchdown puts the Cowboys back in front. Gilmore drops an interception. Gilmore does NOT drop this interception five plays later. Ryan gets pressured into an overthrow and the Colts settle for three. Ex-Colt Malik Hooker then gets an interception off a deflection. They rule him out of bounds at the Colts' 26.


Zaire Franklin with a great pass breakup on Schultz in the end zone. Dak rolls out and finds Gallup between three Colts, and none of them can stop him from scoring. 21-13 Cowboys at halftime. Taylor gets tripped up. (The ball comes out but he was down.) Taylor converts a 2nd and 15. Campbell with a leaping catch. Taylor gets stopped on third and 1. RYAN SNEAK? It works. Pierce fights off Joseph and goes up for the touchdown. Two-point try is dropped. We come back from commercial to see Anthony Brown being carted off with an ankle injury. Cowboys get lucky a poor throw by Dak hits the ground, as Isaiah Rodgers thought he had an interception. And on top of that, Franklin went helmet-to-helmet on Lamb after the play was over.

I don't know if you win the challenge, but you don't lose anything by challenging. Colts can't tackle Lamb. Touchdown Gallup. Mo Alie-Cox fumbles and Hooker returns it for a touchdown! Oh well. High throw is intercepted again. This is why Ryan got benched the first time.

Pollard with an easy touchdown through this Colts "defense". You know what that ISN'T? Defensive pass interference. There's still seven minutes left?

Look, this is the only thing we were waiting for. (Cowboys 54, Colts 19)

Buccaneers moving early. What just happened on the pirate ship? That's right, I don't think Aikman ever played at this stadium. Sixteen plays? Fournette gets taken down short of the goal line by Marcus Maye and the Bucs settle for three about eight plays after Buck tired to avoid the announcer jinx with a red zone graphic.


Dalton gets sacked on third down. More graphics: It's Michigan (Brady) vs. TCU (Dalton) in the college football semifinals. Dalton hits Shaheed for 40!

Bucs completely lose Trautman. Then they lose Taysom Hill and he catches a 30-yard touchdown. Randy Moss on the Manningcast! They're playing the interception Fournette tried to throw for Brady in Germany. Moss doesn't understand why Brady's teams keep doing that. Olave with a drop on third down (his first of the year) and the Saints punt. Moss spots that this Evans incompletion should actually be a catch. Call REVERSED. Then Brady gets picked off! He threw it right to Damarrio Davis. Landry drops a pass on third and 2. Moss is disappointed. Saints curiously kick the field goal with two time outs left.

Saints lead 10-3. Both of these teams are under .500 and you can see why. Rachaad White fumbles a pass and the Saints recover. Saints settle for another field goal. Though, really, the Bucs' offense has been so bad tonight that 13 points might be enough. Dana White's on. They dig up a picture of White as a kid in a Patriots No. 81 jersey. Peyton correctly guesses it's Russ Francis and pokes fun at White for not knowing. "I was nine years old in that jersey!" Peyton: "Can you get Gronk to Tampa in the second half?" Then he thinks third down is fourth down and then jokingly asks White if he thinks they'll go for it on third and 10. This game's so boring they're showing preliminary footage of White's slap fighting league that's launching next year. How does it take six years to launch a slap league? Saints driving again. Well, they were until Carl Nassib knocks down the pass on third down. Field goal makes it 16-3 Saints. Peyton announces that he and Eli will be coaching the Pro Bowl teams in the new flag football game. Saints gotta tackle somebody. Does Brady secretly not have the deep ball in his arsenal any more? There it is! Evans doesn't make the catch but that's because he was interfered with. Bucs cash in with Brady to Cade Otton and it's 16-10 with three minutes left. Dalton gets sacked, then Hill gets a great pass knocked out of his hands. That drive took 20 seconds.

Godwin gets to midfield with 1:59 left. Coming back from commercial, SVP compares this to the Rams game. Scottie Miller gets flattened but still gets the first down. JULIO! I thought that was picked off. Saints call time out. Godwin touchdown is called back for offensive holding. Twelve seconds left. Godwin stumbles out of bounds but that's probably OK. Brady to Rachaad White for a touchdown. The Mannings lament the knockout chances the Saints passed up.

That's his latest game-winning touchdown pass by time left in the game. I'm so tired of this man. Like, I've really had enough. (Buccaneers 17, Saints 16)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (11-1) — Unstoppable flight patterns
2. San Francisco (8-4) — OK, NOW what?
3. Dallas (9-3) — Late night snack
4. Buffalo (9-3) — Righting the ship

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-10) — Nobody left on defense
30. L.A. Rams (3-9) — Was it worth this?
31. Denver (3-9) — Another winnable loss
32. Houston (1-10-1) — Looks like they're drafting a quarterback after all

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