Friday, January 15, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Cut Out

Signal Finder: DAL @ NYG, PIT @ CLE, AZ @ LAR, GB @ CHI, TEN @ HOU (end), SEA @ SF (end)

Nobody's playing in this game. Including Roethlisberger.


Mason Rudolph is starting instead, which leads to an early recounting of last year's incident with Myles Garrett, which both men have said they'd like to put behind them eventually. Chubb takes off for a 4-yard touchdown. Josh Dobbs now in at QB as the Steelers are clearly just trying shit. Jet sweep is sniffed out. Browns haven't won on Week 17 since 2009, which tracks. Mayfield to Higgins for 44. Field goal is good and it's 10-0 Browns. Apparently the Steelers don't want the 2 seed. Dobbs keeps it and gets a first down a the Browns' 8. They end up settling for a field goal. Browns stay on the field on 4th and 4 but the Steelers don't bite and they punt. 10-6 Browns at halftime. Rudolph hits Claypool deep. Pass to Conner comes up short but the Steelers are out of no man's land. Field goal is good. Browns having no trouble getting yards on this drive. Mayfield scramble. Touchdown Hooper and it's 17-9. MJ Stewart picks off Rudolph. Did the snap go wide? Mayfield finds Hodge at the Steelers' 5. Jet sweep to Landry to star the fourth quarter. Touchdown! 24-9 Browns and is it happening? Dobbs actually throws a pass. And it's even caught! Rudolph to Claypool on 4th and 10 for a touchdown! Browns pass on a 53-yarder and Mayfield throws incomplete. 3:35 left. Rudolph goes deep for Johnson and he's got it at the Browns' 10!


Touchdown Juju! Steelers go for two but the throw is high. 1:35 left. Wait, wait. All this — for a REMATCH next week? Mayfield keeps it on a bootleg right... and gets the first down! The drought is over! (Browns 24, Steelers 22)

Mike Evans got carted off? Oh no. (Buccaneers 44, Falcons 27)

I believe the way this works is the Giants would win a three-team tiebreaker, while the Cowboys would win head to head with WFT. Gallman should get 40 carries today. Play action reverse to Shepard! Touchdown! Extra point is an absolute botch job. Dalton gets picked off but Buck's pretty sure there was interference. Defensive holding, actually. Dalton gets sacked. This another new Cowboys punter? Gallman fumbles and the Cowboys have it. He never secured it. This is why these teams have six and five wins. Second post-play scuffle in a row after this. Dalton gets sacked again on third and 9. Jourdan Lewis headbutts a dude for no good reason and gets caught. Elliott still not back in the lineup. He tries to warm up again but comes off the field. Yet another Cowboys punt. Buck invokes Hank Stram by calling this game a "taffy pull." Shepard with another touchdown, this one on a catch in the near corner. Cowboys field goal is good. Flashback to the 1993-94 season finale between these two teams, where Emmitt separated his shoulder but still racked up 222 yards in a Cowboys win. It was Simms's and Taylor's last games as Giants (LT's last sack was Aikman). Dante Pettis beats Lewis and hauls in a touchdown. Will this count? Well, the penalty was on the Cowboys. Call STANDS as it's ruled he has possession long enough after breaking the plane. Zeurlein hits from 57 to end the half. Bradberry drops an interception. Cowboys punt. Donovan Wilson picks off a deflection that Engram can't handle. Dalton escapes another sack but Gallup can't haul in the touchdown pass. Cooper reaches for the pylon but is ruled out of bounds. Elliott cashes in. 20-16. Dalton slides for a first down. Field goal is good and it's 20-19. Dalton now on the sideline with a glove on his left hand, and he's not using it to hold his tablet. Lawrence sacks Jones on 3rd and 11. Shepard with two big catches back-to-back. McCarthy doesn't challenge this Pettis catch for... some reason. I mean, that's obviously not a catch. Come on, man.


Gano from 50. It's GOOD. Pass to Cooper only gets six on 3rd and 7. Cowboys run a read option, Dalton keeps it, and he picks it up. Two-minute warning. Dalton sacked AGAIN. Dalton on the run, throws it up, and it's intercepted in the end zone! Gallman picks up the first down but fumbles AGAIN! Who has it? One official says Giants, but another one says Cowboys.


Call is Gallman was "down with possession?" What does that even mean? You can see the ball pop up out of the pile. This is chaos. It's started to rain. Another view shows Gallman on his back with the ball somehow back in his hands.


I don't know how he got it back, but it's Giants ball and this game is basically over. crosses off Cowboys (Giants 23, Cowboys 19)

Couple of lost seasons here. Imagine having to follow that Lions regime. (Vikings 37, Lions 35)

All that and they won't even get Trevor Lawrence. Was it worth it, Jets? (Patriots 28, Jets 14)


(Ravens 38, Bengals 3)

Isaiah McKenzie has three touchdown! He barely plays!


(Bills 56, Dolphins 26)

Boomer in for Romo, who's in COVID protocols. No Goff or Kupp, but Murray's playing. John Wolford in the house for the Rams. First pass is intercepted by Jordan Hicks. No, really. Threw it right to him. Now Murray's hobbling off the field after a sack. HIS backup is former CFLer Chris Steveler. Touchdown... Jonathan Ward? Who? It's his first-ever carry, apparently. This time Wolford completes it to a teammate. Two straight option quarterback keepers to the left? OK then. Woods makes the catch inside the 10. Field goal is good. Murray throwing on the sideline. Wolford's been the Rams' best offensive player since that pick. Akers fumbles at the 1 and the Cardinals recover. But where did they recover? They rule that Murphy was stopped at the 1, also. It'll be Cardinals ball. That's holding in the end zone, and a safety. 7-5 Cardinals. Troy Hill intercepts Steveler! He's gonna score! Rams lead 12-7 at halftime. Jordan Hicks hurt? SHOCKING. HIGBEE. QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY? Rams end up kicking a field goal. Tracy reports that Murray won't be back. Hopkins makes a diving catch on a dangerous throw but gets flagged for OPI. Then he says something to an official and gets hit for 15 more. Wolford finds Akers open in the flat for a 38-yard catch and run. Rams go for it on 4th and 3, and they get it to HIGBEE for a first down. Another field goal at the start of the fourth makes it 18-7. Murray's back in, and his first pass is complete to Drake for 10. Someone tell Kingsbury to slow down. Who is Sherfield? Maybe don't call running plays for a quarterback with a bad leg?


Field goal is BLOCKED! The Cardinals get the ball back and now they should probably be hurrying up a little more. Why are these fools punting?


Seriously, Kingsbury's probably the Cardinals' biggest liability right now. Is he already on the hot seat? crosses off Cardinals (Rams 18, Cardinals 7)

Saints have to try doing this without any actual running backs. (Saints 33, Panthers 7)

crosses off Dolphins (Colts 28, Jaguars 14)

Patterson touches this kickoff while he's out of bounds, putting the ball at the 40. The Packers challenge, apparently saying he touched it before he was out of bounds. If that's the case, the ball goes back to the 1. Call STANDS. Montgomery gets his leg extended and comes out of the game. Third-down run gets stopped. The Bears go for it and Miller reaches out to make this catch and take a hit. Patterson gets a carry. Montgomery back in and he scores.Left tackle David Bahktiari is out. Jones breaks a tackle, spins away form another one, and picks up 15 on 3rd and 8. Roquan Smith down for the Bears. Packers give it to Jones on 3rd and 5 but he doesn't even get close. They go for it, and Adams was held. Akiem Hicks and Lazard exchanging pleasantries? That was... something. Tonyan catches a play action pass for a score as the second quarter begins. Trubisky gets sacked. Tavon Austin fumbles the punt and the Bears are all over it. Field goal is good. Bears blitz, Trevathan ends up covering Valdes-Scantling, and that's a mismatch. 72-yard touchdown! 14-10 Packers. FUMBLE! Packers ball. Touchdown... Dominique Dafney? Oh, so it's like that. Montgomery with a clutch run. Santos on for a field goal. It's good. Rodgers and MVS can't connect on this deep shot. Moose wants to see Trubisky try one. He eventually does and Mooney brings it down! Great catch. Bears settle for another field goal after Montgomery gets stopped at the 2. Swing pass intended for Jones nearly becomes a pick-six for Mingo. NO idea why Rodgers threw that. Montgomery run on third down comes up inches short. Trubisky sneak gets it. Rinse and repeat. They run into this situation a third time and this time Trubisky passes on fourth down, but can't hit Robinson. Packers take over and straight-up march down the field, finishing off the drive with a Jones touchdown run. Interception by Amos! Oh boy. So much for THAT. Packers score two touchdowns in 50 seconds. And the Bears will back into a playoff spot they really, really don't deserve, and really, really, don't want, because now they're stuck with Trubisky, Nagy and GM Ryan Pace for at least another season. (Packers 35, Bears 16)

Good for Justin Herbert. Went from "the first-round quarterback nobody really liked" to the probable Offensive Rookie of the Year. (Chargers 28, Chiefs 14)

The Seahawks still end up winning the NFC West. But things feel weird. (Seahawks 26, 49ers 23)

And that's 2000 yards for Derrick Henry! Tannehill keeps it on a sneak and it looks like he gets in. There's a flag — it's on the Titans! It won't count. Tannehill gets very lucky that wasn't  intercepted. He boots left and scores! I don't understand how Henry doesn't get the ball on any of those plays but whatever. Still 1:42 left. Watson makes a sidearm throw to David Johnson, who takes it to the Texans' 41. Now we've got a simultaneous catch. Ruled Texans ball. Deep ball into the end zone ins broken up. Fairbarn on for a 51-yard try with 22 seconds left. It's GOOD! Tannehill goes long and A.J. Brown catches it! 54 yards and there was shockingly no safety help. Gannon can't believe it. Sam Sloman, Gostkowski's replacement, is on the field. Kick is up... and it CLANGS off the right upright and BOUNCES THROUGH! IT'S GOOD! JESUS CHRIST. (Titans 41, Texans 38)

I just feel like we're finding out why it took Vic Fangio so long to get a head coaching job. (Raiders 32, Broncos 31)

I'm watching the end of Wizards-Nets. Fuck this game and fuck the suits who thought people would want to see it. At least with Alex Smith playing it'll be a massacre instead of an unwatchable morass. Irving and Durant both miss game-winner attempts at the end and the Wizards pull it out by one point.


I'd make a rule that all eliminated teams must deactivate their punters in Week 17. It's not like you need to evaluate him at this point. Somehow that McLaurin touchdown was the first first-possession score by Washington this season. Screw it, make Greg Ward the starting quarterback.


Playoff schedule! I'm stunned ESPN isn't getting the worst game of the slate this time (which would involve whatever this game decides.) Also, NFC playoffs on CBS via cross-flex! Is it just me or are both of these teams playing like crap? Seriously, this shouldn't be a three-point game.


Hurts plants a fourth-down throw into the turf three yards in front of a wide-open Watkins. Sudfeld? Really? OK. Al and Cris never wanted to be here in the first place and now they're talking about tanking. As if the Jaguars didn't give Mike Glennon four starts this year or the Jets didn't bring Adam Gase back for this season. We can't actually be having this conversation. This is the NFL's fault, by the way — if this game was at 1 o'clock alongside Cowboys-Giants like it should have been, nobody cares that Nate Sudfeld's playing in the fourth quarter. Now Giants fans all over Twitter are pissed like they deserved to win this division. Well, maybe they would have if their Pro Bowl tight end who mishandles three passes every game had caught one in that stadium.


Hell, they should be thanking the Eagles for improving their draft position by more than the Eagles improved their own! (Washington's win means the Eagles will pick sixth instead of ninth, and the Giants will pick 11th instead of 19th, since division winners are automatically moved down in the draft.)








Also, if the Football Team plays this badly next week, they may not score a point. Brady'll do to them what Steph Curry did to the Blazers. (Wizards 123, Nets 122; Warriors 137, Trail Blazers 122; Washington 20, Eagles 14)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Kansas City (14-2) — Still the target
2. Green Bay (13-3) — Rodgers really does love beating the Bears
3. Buffalo (13-3) — A fifty-burger? Seriously?
4. New Orleans (12-4) — Fine-tuning, perhaps

BOTTOM 4:
29. (tie) Philadelphia (4-11-1) — So... now what?
29. (tie) Cincinnati (4-11-1) — Do we really believe in their future?
31. Jacksonville (1-15) — Welcome to hell, Trevor
32. N.Y. Jets (2-14) — Seriously, I hope you clowns are satisfied


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