Tuesday, January 12, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Crash Plan

Joe and Troy on the call. Saints start first with an 11-yard run by Kamara, who is wearing one red shoe and one green shoe. Saints hand it to Emmanuel Sanders and he gets 12. Kamara bursts through a hole and that's a touchdown. Buck: "Gotta be the shoes." Thielen with a catch on the Vikings' first play. Jefferson gets another first down, then Cook. Not a lot of defense to start. Cook runs through tackles for a touchdown. Ty Montgomery's still in the league? The Vikings are down several linebackers, while the Saints don't have Michael Thomas or Tra'Quan Smith. The Saints have a fullback? Aikman wishes Burton a Merry Christmas after he gets seven yards. Brees to Cook to the Vikings' 20. Latavius Murray with a catch to create first and goal. Flags everywhere on this pass as multiple Saints hit the ground. Touchdown Kamara. 14-7 Saints and we're 10 minutes in. Saints get a stop! Wasn't sure that would happen today. Juwan Johnson?


Kamara moving piles. Murray just running through people. Someone named Carr catches a pass that probably shouldn't have been thrown, but he's out of bounds. Brees placed that almost perfectly for a bad decision. Third-down pass to Kamara is broken up in the end zone. Lutz makes it 17-7. Cousins looks to Johnson, who gets 13 after Janoris Jenkins misses a tackle. Pitch to Cook on 3rd and 1 almost doesn't work, but Cook gets the first down. Jefferson catches a slant over the middle. Touchdown Mike Boone? OK. The Vikings can't stop Kamara. Sanders finds himself wide open and takes it inside the Vikings' 25. Brees is intercepted by Harrison Hand. Line collapses and Cousins goes down. Saints call time out after a punt. Buck notes that they didn't go to commercial afterwards, which may have caused some confusion. Payton is displeased. Eric Wilson almost intercepts Brees but Callaway ends up playing defense and knocks it out of his hands.


Kamara with ANOTHER touchdown. Vikings malfunctioning as the half ends. 24-14 Saints. C.J. Gardner-Johnson ends up with the ball and takes it back for a touchdown. But this is very clearly an incomplete pass. It's overturned and the Vikings punt. Sanders can't handle the throw and Hardy Nickerson Jr. (!) picks it off the deflection. Cook chased out of bounds at the Saints' 1. Play action leads to an easy touchdown catch for Irv Smith. Bailey MISSES the extra point. Sanders CAN handle this one. Kamara scores AGAIN and that's four. Thielen! Saints suddenly can't get out of their own way. Smith makes another touchdown catch and this time Bailey converts the extra point. Vikings are unable to tackle Jared Cook and he picks up 29. Touchdown... guess. Yeah, that's five now. Saints immediately get the ball back and now we're just waiting for it. Taysom out here kill-stealing. 45-27 with four minutes left. It's probably over. Vikings get a touchdown with 2:10 left but the onside kick fails. Brees to Trautman down the sideline! GO OUT OF BOUNDS. He does. Well, he gets pushed. First and goal at the 2. AND KAMARA GETS NUMBER SIX ANYWAY.


Considering how little he was used (and how clearly misused he was), I'm not sure this is an exaggeration. That ties Ernie Nevers, who did it for the 1929 Chicago Cardinals. Good job, everyone. (Saints 52, Vikings 33)

This is Brady's 300th game and 298th start, the latter tying Favre. No Ronald Jones for the second straight week. Lions blitz and Brady goes down, but they were offsides. Evans wide open for 33 yards. Oh, his man fell down. That explains it. Touchdown Gronk! He outreaches Tracy Walker and stumbles into the end zone. (That's their 96th TD hookup.) Extra point CLANGS and is no good. The Lions are without their interim coach, Darrell Bevell, as if they don't have enough problems. Stafford getting looked at on the sideline after that drive. Brady goes deep to Godwin, who makes a diving catch at the Lions' 30. Evans beats his man and hauls in a touchdown. SO Chase Daniel is in at quarterback as we see Stafford hop to the locker room. WR coach Robert Prince is filling in for Bevell today. The Lions can't stop the Bucs. Touchdown Fournette, who doesn't even need the hole — he just follows the push of his line. 20-0 Bucs. Touchdown Godwin. Did the Lions even have the ball between those two scores? This is a massacre. JPP drops an interception. The Bucs only have one Pro Bowler? That's... odd. Bucs run two fakes and Brady finds Godwin for a touchdown that won't count because they did too much and a lineman got caught downfield. So he hits Brate, who takes it to the 11. Touchdown Antonio Brown! That was a laser into a tight window that got tighter when the ball actually arrives. The Bucs have 410 yards of offense. Three guys have more yards than THE LIONS. Brady won't play in the second half.


Blaine Gabbert just threw a touchdown pass to Gronk. PUNT RETURN TOUCHDOWN. THE LIONS ARE ON THE BOARD. Missed the Bucs' next touchdown to watch the end of Kentucky-Louisville, so it's 47-7 now. Schlereth: "This clock can't run fast enough." This would be a fireable offense if they hadn't already fired everybody. Brady on the phone, possibly ordering vegan pizzas. Who knows.


Not sure why Brown and Evans are still in for the Bucs. This is their first playoff appearance since 2007. (Buccaneers 47, Lions 7)

The wave of the future. I actually had to Google those "how to watch" articles that seem like fronts for pirated streams at first glance. Funny thing about this matchup: CBS is producing it (the broadcast team is Andrew Catalon, James Lofton, and Sheree Burruss) but locally it's being aired on Phoenix's FOX affiliate and NBC Bay Area in San Francisco. Kirk with an over-the-shoulder catch on the sideline for 38. Pass to Kirk in the back of the end zone is high and Kirk takes a hit afterwards. Field goal is good. C.J. Beathard will start for the 49ers. Kittle back?


On the next drive, he makes a move after the catch and gets into Cardinals territory. They run a direct snap to Juszczyk, who scrambled under center, and he gets third and short. Beathard finds Wilson in the middle of the field, and he takes it in for a touchdown. That has to be his longest of the year, right? Good downfield coverage forces Murray to dump it off to Drake, and he gets nothing, ending the drive. Broadcast looks fine so far. I'm watching on the Prime Video Twitch channel and there were a couple of hiccups at the start of the game, it's been fine since. Fitzgerald reaches for the first down but doesn't get it. Cards going for it from their own 35, and Drake picks it up. But that's where it ends. This game hasn't been good. Reddick sacks Beathard at the 49ers' 2. Cardinals going for it again. 49ers send Warner on a blitz, but Murray runs away from him and picks up nine. Murray throws off balance and Hopkins can't hold on in the end zone, and he's slow to get up. Looks like he landed on Jason Verrett's arm and is holding his stomach. Field goal is good. Jordan Hicks watches an interception go right through his hands. This is called a fumble and the Cardinals eventually fall on it. On replay, it looks like the ball comes out before Beathard's arm starts forward. 7-6 49ers at halftime. Prime has its own halftime show! Beathard throws a block on an Aiyuk reverse that gets a first down. Beathard to Kittle for 18. Drive stalls. Hopkins misses the Cardinals' first play but returns for the second. Murray goes down. Beathard hits Kittle for 28. Screen to Juszczyk for a touchdown. Dan Arnold with a catch and fumble. Refs signal 49ers ball after Warner comes out of the pile with it. This'll get reviewed. I think he's down by contact but I don't see enough to change this call. And now my internet's gone down. Call STANDS. 49ers proceed to lose three yards on three plays. Cardinals go for it on 4th and 5 from their own 42, and Murray keeps it and takes off for 12. It's still wild to me that the Cardinals have a wide receiver named KeeSean Johnson WHO WEARS NO. 19. Drake leaps over the pile for a touchdown! Cards go for two and Murray throws a pass too short for Hopkins to reach. After a 49ers three-and-out, the Cardinals go for it again on fourth down, this time a 4th and 2 from their own 32. This one doesn't work.


Touchdown Wilson! Actually no. They rule him down at the 1 and Juszczyk gets in on the next play. Cardinals driving here. Hopkins fumbles out of bounds. Murray runs for 30! OH NO. Intercepted in the end zone. That wasn't nearly as bad as the one last week but it could end up being far more damaging. The 49ers can run this clock out if they play it right. That doesn't include throwing an incompletion at the two-minute warning, though. Gould MISSES! Cardinals have 1:09 and no time outs. GO DOWN THE FIELD. They do but Murray and Kirk can't connect. Fourth down pass is incomplete and Murray goes down. Does the NFC have seven playoff teams? Does it even have six? (49ers 20, Cardinals 12)

Carr back starting for the Raiders. Jacobs to the Dolphins' 5. Touchdown! Dolphins' drive stalls when Grant can't make a clean catch and gets stopped three yards short. Or does it? Tua rolls right on 4th and 3 and picks it up, but there's a flag. Defensive holding. The Dolphins fail on third down again and this time sanders kicks a 37-yarder. Jacobs barely gets the first down. Carr gets sacked. Richard gets 18 back of the 3rd and 19. Raiders keep the offense out at the Dolphins' 8. Field goal is good and it's 10-3. Dolphins try Lynn Bowden Jr. on a reverse. Third down pass comes up short. FAKE PUNT! They get 22 and a first down.


Not a fan of the Dolphins' third-down play calls tonight. Sanders field goal makes it 10-6. Raiders are in field goal range. Warner wondering why they ran a running play on second down here. Carlson makes it 13-6 at halftime. Tua dumps it to Gaskin, who breaks a tackle and goes in for the score. PAT is good and we're tied. Tua gets crunched on a sack. Agholor breaks a half-hearted tackle attempt. Waller with a sliding catch on a tough throw by Carr. Witten makes a catch. Dolphins hold and the Raiders kick a field goal to regain the lead. Tua's lucky that wasn't intercepted. Waller with another great catch. But again the Raiders can't capitalize. Tua gets sacked on third down AGAIN. Renfrow with a nice punt return. Is that Gesicki's first catch tonight? Also, I just realized: where's Davante Parker? No wonder this offense looks so bad. Gesicki extends and makes a fingertip catch inside the Raiders' 10. Fitzpatrick in on 2nd down for some reason, and Mack Hollins drops the pass. Then he misses Gesicki on third down. Dolphins settle for three and we're tied with four minutes left. Apparently Fitzpatrick came in to start that drive? OK. Agholor with an over-the-shoulder catch! he bobs and weaves and he's going into the end zone! 75 yards! That's the best he's tracked a deep ball probably ever. Extra point is MISSED! Fitzpatrick throws short to Gaskin, who spins to the right, goes down the sideline, and HE'LL score! PAT is good and the Dolphins lead with 2:55 to go. Carr goes deep to Agholor and draws a DPI flag. Oh, I don't know about that one. Jacobs slides at the 1-yard line, which I don't recommend since it happened right after Liberty tried this twice in their bowl game and fumbled the second time. Raiders take a knee on third down, then Carlson hits from 22. Hollins makes the catch on a blown coverage, and a facemask will add 15 yards. That face mask happened while he was throwing the pass! They're in field goal range with time for a shot at the end zone. Pass is incomplete, and here comes Sanders. 44 yards. It's GOOD!



The Raiders blew their season thanks to an unnecessary and stupid penalty? That's never happened before. This final score, however, actually hasn't happened before. (Dolphins 26, Raiders 25)

Signal Finder: IND @ PIT, NYG @ BAL, CLE @ NYJ (end), PHI @ DAL


Didn't even try to run the ball. Colts don't have their starting tackles and Watt sacks Rivers on second down. Colts pick up 3rd and 8. Floater from Rivers almost gets picked off. First and goal Colts. Taylor gets enough blocking to get into the end zone. Snell gets stuffed on third and 2. The Steelers' schedule has been absolutely fucked, yes, for reasons completely not of their own making, and I'm not sure enough has been made of that. Another three and out. Rivers gets sacked again and the ball's out. Steelers recover! That feels like the first break they've gotten in three weeks. First and goal at the 3. Colts jump on a third down incompletion. Second chance leads to a Conner touchdown. Taylor picks up another first down. Then he breaks three tackles and scores from the 2-yard line. Rivers beats the Steelers' blitz and goes over the top to Pascal for a touchdown!


Ben misfires on third down and the Colts will get the ball back. Long run by Hines will come back. Reich outsmarts Tomlin by staying in a no-huddle but waiting to snap the ball until there are five seconds on the play clock and 24 on the game clock. Then the Steelers don't call time (they had all three!) until after the third-down play, leaving them no tine to do anything.


The Colts will get the ball to start the second half.


Colts driving again. Steelers get a clutch sack on third down. Blankenship adds a field goal. Steelers DRIVING? Been a while since that's happened. Ebron makes a catch to se tup first and goal. Snell gets nothing on first down. They run the play that cost the Seahawks a Super Bowl on third down and Claypool doesn't even catch it. Fourth down pass is broken up! Roethlisberger goes downfield to Johnson, who makes a diving catch for a touchdown! Steelers showing signs of life? They get a needed stop after that score. The Colts' Moore gets hit with a DPI. Touchdown Ebron! It's a three-point game! Heyward slams Rivers to the turf. Conner gets what feels like the longest Steelers run in six weeks. Rhodes gets flagged for illegal contact. Ben pump fakes and finds Juju for the touchdown! Steelers LEAD! Nantz plugs the Week 17 lineup with "We have no idea how this is gonna play out." Rivers gets hit on a long ball and Mike Hilton picks it off! The Steelers have never had a comeback this big under Tomlin. Colts call their last time out with 2:29 left. Pass to Johnson is short and he gets knocked out of bounds. Fourth down pass is incomplete but they're gonna get the Steelers for interference. Rivers misses T.Y. Hilton completely on second and 7. He goes down on third down. The fourth down throw is a little too high for Pascal and the Steelers pull it out! (Steelers 28, Colts 24)

The loser's likely toast. Tackle eligible on the first play? What? Ravens keep running it. Jackson drops back, has all kinds of time, and finds Hollywood for an easy touchdown. Giants moving backwards. Jackson finds Snead for a first down at the Giants' 19. Dobbins takes it to the 3. Touchdown Dobbins and it's 14-0 Ravens early. Weird bit when Jackson attempts a pump fake and the ball slips out of his hand. Dobbins breaks through a tackle and picks up a first down. Tucker hits and it's 17-0. Morris picks up a necessary first down for the Giants as we hit the two-minute mark. Jones overthrows high for Austin Mack in the end zone. Humphrey breaks up the pass on third down but gets flagged — but the refs pick it up. Field goal is good. Jackson to Andrews, who breaks away from Peppers and gets out of bounds with 42 seconds left. Jackson keeps it and gets to the 30. Ravens call their last time out. The Ravens keep their offense on the field with seven seconds left. The GIANTS call time out. Then the Ravens change their minds and send Tucker out to make it 20-3. Edwards with a big run before being caught from behind at the Giants' 40. Ravens end up punting. Judo blows up Shepard on a screen. Giants kick a field goal for some reason. Another big Ravens run, this time by Dobbins. Edwards turns the corner and gets inside the Giants' 10 as the third quarter ends. Dez! Touchdown! Judon brings down Jones. McPhee brings down Jones. Board brings down Jones. ROUGHING THE KICKER. Really, Ravens? It was 4th and 22! Lewis runs through a big hole. Jones finds Shepard for a touchdown. Jones is sacked for the sixth time. Edwards... is NOT in. Ruled out of bounds at the 1. Is this a fumble? It is! Giants have it but I doubt it matters at this point. Aaand it doesn't. (Ravens 27, Giants 13)


This is also true. (Chiefs 17, Falcons 14)
So there's that.
Hooper doesn't get the first down, but he does get out of bounds, which helps a little. So it's 4th and 1. Mayfield sneaks and I'm not sure he got it. Did the ball come out? It did! Are the Jets going to win AGAIN? Neither of these teams can do anything right. And now the Jets are locked in at #2. (Jets 23, Browns 16)


(Panthers 20, Washington 13)

No idea why this game's still in the late window. Also no idea why DeSean's active, let alone starting. Also not sure that hit on Sanders was actually late. Back-to-back scrambles by Hurts and the Eagles are in the red zone. I wouldn't throw a single pass today if I were coaching the Eagles. As soon as I say that, he completes one to Reagor for nine yards. Sanders picks up the first.


Hurts goes right and runs over Jourdan Lewis for the score, but replay shows he stepped out of bounds at about the 6. Still, this Cowboys defense is pathetic and drafting CeeDee Lamb in the first round instead of defense (Arnette, Queen, or Chaisson) was a fatal error. Sanders scores anyway. Dalton to Cooper for 35. Jacquet interferes with Gallup, who'd beaten him downfield. Dalton throws too far for Pollard. Field goal is good. JACKSON. WHAT THE HELL. TOUCHDOWN. Cowboys just gave up on that play. In better news for Dallas sports fans, the Mavericks are up 50 on the Clippers at halftime.


Elliott runs into the line on third and 4. That doesn't work. Cox on the sideline with his jersey off as we start he second period. That's a bad sign. Elliott catches a pass for a first down. Gallup reaches out to make a catch in traffic, then weaves through defenders for a touchdown. Scott fumbles the kickoff and it's ruled that the Cowboys recover! But replay shows he was out of bounds when he got the ball, so the Eagles should keep this. SHOULD. We have been here before. It's Eagles ball. Somehow the Giants are still alive if the Cowboys win this game. Hurts with a ton of time and he finds a wide-open Fulgham. Why is Jordan Howard getting carries?


That's a bad punt. Is Johnston still concussed?


Gallup speed down the sideline and is forced out after a 55-yard pickup. Dalton rolls right on 3rd and goal but he won't make it. Cowboys kick the field goal, which seems unwise even with how mediocre Zeke has been this season. Hurts finds Ward for a first down, then Goedert for another one. Elliott hits from 37. Dalton finds Schultz for 16 on 3rd and 2. The Eagles can't cover Gallup, who makes a great catch on the sideline. The Eagles can't cover Gallup, who catches a touchdown over Jacquet. 20-17 Cowboys at halftime. FOX's new cinematic camera is being wasted on this game. Lamb lights up the Eagles for a 52-yard touchdown. Eagles have gotten zero pressure on Dalton. Graphic says it's been 24-3 Cowboys since Cox went out. Eagles go three and out. Now it's Cooper making a big play downfield. That's 70 yards. My God. Jacquet fell down, it seems.


Why run the ball, Cowboys? Field goal is good. Quez Watkins again, this time for 43. Then Hurts is hit and fumbles, but Mailata is on top of it. Run the damn ball, Doug. Eagles get a stop? They line up to go for it on 4th and 3 but can't draw the Cowboys offside and get hit with a delay of game. I don't know why you do that with a running quarterback in a must-win game. Slay picks off Dalton! He jumped in front of Lamb. That's the first interception by an Eagles cornerback this season, which is an absolute joke of a stat. Eagles moving backwards as the third quarter ends. Another false start makes it 3rd and 23. DeSean makes his first appearance since his touchdown. Pass to Ertz comes up short. Vilma's actually right here; why not try a 51-yarder?


Zeke gets 13 on what has to be a gassed defense. Eagles suddenly find something in the passing game. About time, as the Cowboys' defense is bad all the way around. Reagor catch gets them into the red zone. Hurts is flushed to the left, throws on the run, and it's intercepted in the end zone. Jeffery draws a DPI flag. Hurts scrambles but the ball comes out. Cowboys have it. His knee's down. This should be Eagles ball. Call STANDS? The fuck? Also, it doesn't actually matter. It's just the principle of the thing. Lamb takes a jet sweep to the house. It's for the best. (Cowboys 37, Eagles 17)

Goff's looked awful the last two weeks. So have the rest of the Rams, to be fair. And now he's got a broken thumb? Uh-oh. (Seahawks 20, Rams 9)

Is Al back? Tirico's back in the studio. FROZEN TUNDRA. It is ACTIVELY snowing.



Al IS back. Packers get the ball first. Jones with a run for a first down. Allen Lazard back? Adams dives for a touchdown after eluding Adoree' Jackson. That was surgical. Extra point is no good. Titans decide to punt with Kern in stead of trying a 50-yarder in these conditions. It doesn't go well. Rodgers scrambles for 13. Defensive holding gives the Packers a first down. Tonyan's broken out this season. Is that a slide outside Lambeau? Footage of a lone skier "walking" a dog on the empty Green Bay streets. Second quarter starts with a touchdown pass to St. Brown. Packers go for two but it doesn't work. 12-0. Rodgers' two touchdowns tonight break a tie with Favre for the most ever by the home quarterback at Lambeau. Titans just have to keep doing what they do here. Which is NOT Tannehill throwing interceptions. A.J. Dillon getting some run tonight. Touchdown Adams! Zadarius Smith gets Tannehill. Another catch by Adams. Rodgers overthrows Tonyan on third and 8. Field goal is BLOCKED! And we've got a return! Al has NO idea what yard line they're at. THE TITANS WERE OFFSIDES. NONE of that counts. Wow. Cris: "That was very close to not being offsides." Now it's 4th and 3 and the Packers will go for it now. Sack! So the offsides ends up costing the Titans 52 yards of field position, but they still keep the Packers from scoring again and get the ball. Tannehill steps up in the pocket and finds Jonnu Smith in the end zone. 19-7 Packers at halftime. A.J. Brown runs off to the sideline after a catch. Third and 1 and Tannehill fakes it to Henry and keeps it. Is he gonna outrun these guys? Touchdown!


Jones appears to be stopped, but bounces it outside and goes down the sideline to the Titans' 10. Oh, he stepped out of bounds well before that. There's no challenge! The Packers get the next play off! Collinsworth notes that that run was down the Packers' sideline, and they sure weren't gonna say anything. Adams gets away from a double team and catches a touchdown pass! Back from break and we learn that not challenging the Jones play cost the Titans 56 yards. Dillon gets it on 4th and inches and goes 30 yards into the end zone untouched. Kirksey picks off Tannehill. Then Butler picks off Rodgers. Titans get nothing out of it and that's probably it for tonight. Washington-Philadelphia's the Sunday night game next week? WHY? That's a terrible game if Alex Smith doesn't play and will be a wipeout if he does.


Titans can't handle Adams. Touchdown Dillon. He does a Lambeau Leap and Lazard almost shoves him over the wall. (Packers 40, Titans 14)
We haven't seen Sony Michel in MONTHS. Double pass is DROPPED. Field goal is good. Andre Roberts returns the kickoff to near midfield. Mostly Singletary on this drive, even catching a pass for a first down. Field goal ties it. Cam's not human. How do you wake up at 4:30 in the morning and not have coffee for three and a half hours? Bills run a FAKE PUNT PASS and get a first down out of it! Allen has tons of time, but Taiwan Jones drops a touchdown despite having no one within five yards of him. Zack Moss gets a first down. The Bills rush the next play to get it in before the quarter ends, Allen throws an interception, but there's an offside penalty on the Patriots. Then Knox drops a touchdown. Moss finally just runs it in. J.C. Taylor? Both teams emptying the practice squads tonight, I see. Newton somehow escapes a sack, everyone stops for a blink, and then he takes off, makes three guys miss, and scores! Folk misses the extra point. Touchdown pass to Gabriel Davis is waved off. Knox catches a deflection in traffic. Allen to Lee Smith, their third tight end, for a touchdown. The Pats' top sacker only has three and a half? It's worse up there than I thought. Allen finds Diggs in a tight window, and he outruns double coverage and stumbles into the end zone. 24-9 Bills. Jordan Poyer tackles Cam and clearly loses that battle.


His replacement comes on a blitz two plays later and gets him. Then a bad low throw on third and 9 ends the drive. It's halftime. Pats challenge this Knox sideline catch and lose. Touchdown Diggs! Newton still in this game for some reason. The Bills have a left-footed punter. You wouldn't know that, as the Bills have the fewest punts this season. All kinds of contact on this fair catch. Let's sort it out while we pay for the cameras. Or not. Belichick already ready to challenge. The refs decide that no one actually contacted the ball, so the Patriots will get it after all. Stidham in at quarterback. Diggs makes a sliding catch for his third touchdown of the night. This is payback. Nothing more. I still can't believe Belichick came back after Brady left. (Bills 38, Patriots 9)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Kansas City (14-1) — This is actually probably sustainable
2. Green Bay (12-3) — Learned their lesson from last week
3. Buffalo (12-3) — Feels like they're getting hot
4. New Orleans (11-4) — Don't forget


BOTTOM 4: 

29. (tie) Philadelphia (4-10-1) — Nothing's really changed
29. (tie) Cincinnati (4-10-1) — Rivalry games just mean more
31. Jacksonville (1-14) — Mike Glennon? Seriously?
32. N.Y. Jets (2-13) — NO DON'T DO THIS

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