Sunday, December 13, 2020

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 13: Roadkilled

Signal Finder: CLE @ TEN, NO @ ATL, PHI @ GB

Big pass to Rashard Higgins, who had all kinds of room in the zone. Peoples-Jones drops a touchdown. Flags everywhere. That's on the Browns. They call a five-yard pass play on 3rd and 10 for some reason. Field goal is good. Did the Titans just try to throw to a backup offensive lineman on 3rd and 1? Yes, because they're going for it on fourth down. The Browns had it covered, even. Henry probably gets it? They say no! Browns ball. Titans challenge the spot. Call STANDS. Wide receiver pass from Landry to Mayfield! It's still roughing the passer even if the passer isn't the quarterback. Touchdown Landry. Henry FUMBLES! Browns driving again. Browns run the SAME tackle eligible pass play and they get a touchdown!


17-0 Browns to start the second quarter. Titans stop running and Tannehill finds Brown for 40. Touchdown Davis! Great leaping catch. A.J. Brown is down. Replay shows him losing his footing. He walks off and the extra point is good. Peoples-Jones set this poor guy on fire. Touchdown!


Third time to Higgins becomes the charm. Mayfield slides under a tackle attempt and gets a first down. Touchdown on a perfect throw to Higgins. 31-7. Browns are cutting the Titans' pass defense to pieces. That's another touchdown. My God. 38-7 Browns at halftime.


Titans run a play fake and get an easy flip to MyCole Pruitt for a touchdown. That was FAST. Two-point play fails. The Browns have held Henry in check today. Davis with his second big catch on this drive. Whoa! Brown gets hit at the 1, fumbles, but Pruitt picks it up and he scores! 38-21 and now it's getting weird. Chubb breaks one off. Browns add three more. Interception by Sendejo?! There's a flag, though. And of course it won't count because of an unsportsmanlike conduct call on the Browns. Henry with a couple of decent runs. Tannehill sacked on 3rd and 5. They go for it on 4th and 12 and the Browns get caught holding. Don't know why we're involving Batson at this stage of the game. Vrabel throws the challenge flag. This is debatable. Call REVERSED. It's a catch. Pass hits Humphries in the face, he can't control the ball, and it ends up in the Browns' hands. This is solid no-huddle offense by the Titans. Tannehill's doing a good job spreading the ball around. Why is McNichols in on this series? Especially after that holding penalty that'll turn fourth and 1 into fourth and 11? Davis! Touchdown McNichols! 1:23 left. Onside kick doesn't work because why would you trust Gostkowski to pull one off at this point? FUMBLE. BROWNS NO. And Mayfield had the first down, too. Still, there's only 57 seconds left and that probably isn't enough time. Touchdown to Batson. Second onside kick also doesn't work. Thank God. That would have been a devastating loss. (Browns 41, Titans 35)


Dear Lord. (Lions 34, Bears 30)

Taysom is hit on this throw that's almost intercepted, and Grady Jarrett gets flagged for hitting him low. Then he gets sacked. THEN he takes off for 43! He finds Tra'Quan Smith for a score. Falcons getting Jones involved early. Smart. Falcons on the board with three. Hill's starting to heat up, but then he throws a ball short for Thomas that almost gets picked off. Pitch bounces off Kamara's helmet, somehow, and he loses four as the first quarter ends. Lutz MISSES. Ryan goes deep to Ridley, but there's a penalty on the back end. The refs pick up the flag, which would have been for DPI. Vilma and Pereira disagree on that (Vilma would have called it.) Meanwhile, Lutz grabbed his leg after that missed kick and is going to the locker room. Saints force a punt. Taysom misses Lewis deep. Saints going for it on 4th and 7. Kenny Albert notes that Lutz is back on the Saints' sideline. Why would they try to draw them offsides on fourth and 7, Vilma? Pass to Cook is incomplete. Jones again. Io Smith takes it on 3rd and 2 and gets 10 to the Saints' 11. Falcons end up settling for another field goal. A wide-open Sanders falls down in the zone for a first down catch. Two minute warning. Touchdown Cook. That's Hill's second touchdown pass. Ridiculous one-handed catch by Ridley with Lattimore all over him. This is being reviewed and it sounds like it's getting changed to an incompletion, as it bounces when he hits the ground. I'm not so sure he doesn't still have control, though. Call STANDS. Ryan takes a bad sack. That's never happened before. Another field goal. 14-9 Saints at halftime. I'm actually not surprised they're letting Taysom pass so much — the Falcons' defense has been their biggest problem since the Super Bowl and is why Quinn got fired. Kamara scoots in for a touchdown. Lot of punting now. OOPS. Saints challenge this incompletion, and the refs rule it's actually a fumble. Six plays later Hill gets sacked and appears to fumble. Falcons recover. Hill is saying his arm was going forward. I don't think it was. Russell Gage and C.J. Gardner-Johnson get into it and Gardner-Johnson gets the penalty. It does look like he started whatever it was. Ryan overthrows Ridley but there's another flag, and this one won't get picked up. Gage beats his man and dives into the end zone. That's the first touchdown the Falcons have scored against the Saints this year. And they're gonna get the ball back with five minutes left. Ridley with another catch over Lattimore, who he's been working over all game. Jones makes a diving catch over the middle for another first down. Falcons snap the ball at 2:01 and Gurley gets six. Gurley loses yards on this third down run. Fourth and 9. Ryan throws for Jones in the end zone but the pass goes off his hands. I don't get that throw. Hill fumbles and the ball rolls backwards out of bounds. That's about a six-yard loss. Ridley spins away from Lattimore but wastes two seconds before getting out of bounds. Nine seconds left. Hail Mary falls to the turf. Is there a second left? Nope. And thanks to that debacle in Chicago, the Saints are in the playoffs. (Saints 21, Falcons 16)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Trevor Lawrence; 2-7. The Jets' secondary




Seriously, some absolute fuckery leaguewide in these last 15 minutes. (Raiders 31, Jets 28)

How was nothing flexed this week? Broncos-Chiefs won't be any good and this is going to be a massacre. I don't let Wentz throw a pass on any down less than five yards. Oh, well. Ertz back?


Wentz looks for Scott on 3rd and 10, and Scott might have had his arm grabbed? No call, and Elliott is on for a 52-yarder. It's GOOD. Jones can't handle the pitch. Hargrave sacks Rodgers. End around to Reagor. Jordan Howard back, for some reason. Back-to-back sacks and the Eagles are out of field goal range. Rodgers 5 for 5 to start. Rodgers slings one past Singleton to Adams, who is called down at the half-yard line. Slay breaks this one up, but Adams outfights him for the next one. Touchdown Packers. Eagles pick up a first down on a penalty. Wentz sacked again.


Marcedes Lewis takes this one for 36, which is disgraceful. Tonyan gets away from the coverage and fair-catches this touchdown. Wentz finds Goedert for nine and calls time. Another sack. This goes nowhere and we'll go to halftime. YOU'RE calling the plays, Doug. MVS can't hang on. Adams pulls one down between two defenders. Lazard with another big catch. Jones with a nice run. Adams fights past Slay for a touchdown. Hurts is in. Reagor! That's 35 yards. Nate Herbig on for Peters at right guard. Let's make that change permanent. Hurts picks up two yards. Offensive holding call on Semualo kills the momentum, if you believe in such things. Packers being deliberate here. Good defense by Maddox on this ball to Adams in the end zone. No, I'm serious; he got his arm between Adams's hands and broke it up. Now he's down on the sideline as Crosby kicks a field goal. And the big question gets answered: Hurts comes back out for the Eagles' next series.


Hurts to Goedert, then Ertz. Third down throw is too high for Ward and takes him out of bounds. Then Jeffery pushes off on 4th and 9 and gets called for it. Hurts rolls right and Ward gets open for a touchdown. Uh-oh. Reagor drops the punt. He picks it up and... gets some blocks? He's going down the sideline?? TOUCHDOWN??? When's the last time they got one of those? Hurts's next drive only goes five plays.


Jones finds a hole and... uh-oh. He's STILL going. Great tackling, Eagles. That's a 77-yard touchdown. Darnell Savage picks off Hurts.



The Eagles just keep creating their own problems, don't they? (Packers 30, Eagles 16)

Meanwhile, the Giants may have just won the NFC East. (Giants 17, Seahawks 12)

Seriously, this isn't any kind of game, either. Mathieu picks off Lock at the Chiefs' 9. Good start. Mahomes throws deep for Hill but it's off-target. Chiefs punt. AIR YARDS. Lot of short stuff for the Broncos ends up with a 53-yard field goal by McManus. It's early to see Bell, as Edwards-Helaire has been sick (not with COVID.) Robinson gets free for a 20-yard catch and run. Broncos hold the Chiefs to a field goal. Hill almost makes a jumping catch in the end zone but he can't hold on. Wait... Oh my God, the ball never hit the ground! The Chiefs don't realize it! They're punting. Wow. Michaels points out after the commercial break that Hill himself didn't think he still had it, otherwise he'd have been up immediately begging Reid to challenge. Gordon finds a hole for 63 yards! Lock rolls out and finds Fant for a first down. Gordon plows his way to the goal line. I thought he might have gotten the ball over the plane but no. Anthony Hitchens walks off for the Chiefs. Tim Patrick catches the touchdown in the back of the end zone. Hill takes a sweep for a nice gain. Mahomes takes off after seeing the left side of the field open up, and he'll get inside the 5. Direct snap to Bell, who gets stopped at the 1. Goal line stand holds and the Chiefs kick another field goal. Gordon breaks through for 12. I feel like you can throw deep on the Chiefs but the Broncos haven't really tried to so far. McManus MISSES from 57. (That's what you want to avoid.) Twenty-eight seconds is plenty of time for the Chiefs. Travis Kelce sighting! Chiefs get three to make it 10-9 at halftime. Big run by Bell. Kelce with another catch. There's Hill again. Kelce with a drop. Mahomes gets sacked on third down. Field goal is good and the Chiefs lead. Collinsworth points out that Broncos rookie Jerry Jeudy has been silent tonight.


Patrick makes the catch but is called out of bounds. Wait a second. Officials discuss it and call it a touchdown. Yeah, both feet got down. That's good. Broncos go for two up by four but Lock misfires. 16-12. I know there's like one guy in the league who can run with Hill, but you can't give him space in the open field, either. Mahomes off target for Hardman. Then he does his best Aaron Rodgers impression by turning a free play into a touchdown to Kelce. Collinsworth notes the number of players slipping on the field tonight, mostly Broncos. And there hasn't been any weather out there. Broncos punt. Edwards-Helaire hasn't played at all tonight, FYI. Mahomes throws one past a guy in his face and to Kelce between two defenders. Sammy Watkins sighting! Broncos challenge the completion. Call overturned. Hill touchdown is negated by offensive holding.



I'll call it: They won't get the ball back after that. Watkins picks up a first down. Kelce gets nine on 3rd and 12 at the two-minute warning. They try a field goal but get called for delay of game. Reid keeps Butker out there and he makes it anyway. The game ends as it began — with a Honey Badger interception. It was also a lot better than I expected. Thanks for making me look like an idiot, guys! (Chiefs 22, Broncos 16)


Yeah, it appears that this game is only going to the markets that would have carried it had it been on yesterday. Steelers get the ball first. Ebron runs a slant but it isn't long enough. Sims stretches to the marker but he's already out of bounds. "False start, everybody but the center." Well that's no good. Then Juju can't handle the subsequent pass and is NOT happy about it. Moose: "Do not block the man if you can see his name." Logan Thomas has become a good tight end. Washington can't convert 3rd and 11. They call roughing the kicker on the Steelers, giving Washington a first down. Gotta sell it to make sure. Not much else happens afterwards. Sims drops a pass. he was wide open. Everyone seems out of sorts. Washington punts and McCloud gets run into. He's saying he signaled for a fair catch, but there's a holding penalty on the back end. Wait, didn't a Washington player fall on the ball after the collision? Or did the ball not touch McCloud? Somehow it's Steelers ball. First quarter ends with an actual first down. Roethlisberger finds Johnson for 17 on 3rd and 12. Ebron with a jumping catch. Johnson touchdown is called back for an illegal man downfield. Claypool gets a first down. Johnson gets a touchdown anyway. Boswell's hurt, so Matthew Wright kicks his first extra point. Is that a foghorn? Is there a ship on the river outside? Meanwhile, Thomas tries to stretch this pass for a first down. It looks like the Sims play earlier where he was already out of bounds when he did it. That's what the refs decide after Rivera challenges. Washington goes for it, lining Thomas up under center, but the Steelers blow it up. Steelers run a pass to an eligible tackle on third down but it's broken up. They go for it on fourth down and Snell does... NOT make it! I initially thought he did. Washington can't get out of its own end and they'll have to punt. James Washington makes Fuller miss, runs away from Everett and he's GONE. Burkhardt: "James, that is, not the team." Deep pass for McLaurin is broken up. Fitzpatrick slow to get up. That's a lot of blood on Alex Smith's leg. A replay shows he might have taken a cleat to his leg there. (It's not THAT leg. Still, though.) The field goal team runs onto the field, but the ball isn't anywhere to be found. They stop the clock to get a new ball, there was a penalty on the Steelers, so it also gets moved five yards closer. Hopkins kicks it through. 14-3 at halftime. Washington gets the ball to start the second half. Two penalties later and it's 1st and 23. The Steelers can't bring down Sims. He goes for 30! Is Antonio Gibson hurt and I missed it? Haven't seen him much today. Smith goes long to Thomas, who goes down at the 1. Holding on T.J. Watt on fourth and goal gives Washington a new set of downs. Dummy. Touchdown Barber. Another drop by Ebron. Johnson converts third down. Wright field goal is good to open the fourth. Steelers decide to run the ball on 3rd and 10 from their own 10 for some reason and absolutely nothing good was going to happen there.


How have the Chiefs clinched a playoff spot before the Steelers have? McKissic is somehow left open. This has been his drive. Touchdown Thomas! We're tied. Ben with a spin move! Juju gets just enough room to get a first down. Sidearm pass to Juju is incomplete. They'll go for it on 4th and 1. Pass to McFarland? Why? Incomplete. Washington takes over. That's a great one-handed catch by Sims. But he can't bring this one in, and now Hopkins is on for a 45-yarder with 2:07 left. It's good, but there's a flag. Steelers were offsides. Roethlisberger's pass is deflected and picked off! Hopkins from 45 again and it's good!


(Washington 23, Steelers 17)

8:15 to Glendale? Bills go for it from the 49ers' 2. Allen's throwing it here? Incomplete. Mostert back for the 49ers with a big run. Mullens stumbles and throws incomplete. Aiyuk with a tough catch over the middle. Did that hit the ground? No! Nice work.


Juszczyk is called down before the ball broke the plane. Replay shows it's the right call and the ball never actually broke the plane. 49ers challenge. They'll probably lose. Call stands. They go for it and DON'T make it! Bills take over. Fumble! 49ers recover! Mullens fires one to Aiyuk for a touchdown on second down. Beasley for 35. Allen's never thrown an red zone interception. That won't change here. Touchdown Beasley. What... what is this touchdown celebration? That seemed excessive. 49ers punt. Warner intercepts Allen off a deflection but it's not going to count. Allen's sneak is stonewalled. This is a "don't run into the center of the line" kind of night. Singletary takes it outside on 4th and 1 and appears to get there. Allen to Knox for a touchdown. Jeff Wilson bounces off a Bill and gets six. Mullens throws on the run to Aiyuk. Montage of Berman picking the Bills and 49ers for the Super Bowl for about 12 straight years (it never happened once.) I like that the Jets aren't even represented in this Home Alone-inspired animation. (It's Cam and Ryan Fitzpatrick looking in the windows, while Allen sets up the paint trap.) The Bills are still looking for their first MNF win this century, which is wild since we've had two 0-16 teams this century alone. Bills don't seem to be in any hurry to do anything here with a minute left. Oh, there's a pass play. Field goal is good and it's 17-7 Bills at halftime. Wilson takes off on a run. Tevin Coleman loses nine. Mullens to Aiyuk for 20. Gould hits, because of course he does. That's roughing the passer, I suppose. Allen can hardly miss tonight. Touchdown McKenzie, who was pretty wide open. Aiyuk can't catch this ball, juggles it, and Micah Hyde ends up with it. He's got a return here. Down to the 49ers' 7. Allen is forced into about a 33-step drop by the blitz, and the pass to Beasley comes up short of the goal line. A holding penalty sets them back, and they run a draw for some reason, then kick the field goal they were likely going to kick regardless. Deebo makes a tough catch on a crossing route. Bomb to Aiyuk for 49! Juszczyk catches a short pass and this time he scores. That's the end of the third quarter. Dion Jordan's still in the league? He put tread marks on Dion Dawkins and trucked Allen, and the Bills were lucky to recover the ensuing fumble. Diggs picks up a third down. Touchdown Gabriel Davis as Sherman was frozen on the outside. That guy's not what he used to be. 34-17 Bills. 49ers driving. This is... not a touchdown. This pass to Bourne might be? Bourne rolls across the line for a touchdown. Review says he's short, and it looks like he is.


Mullens scrambles and throws it to Wilson in the end zone, but TreDavious White takes it away from him! Riddick and Griese discuss the 49ers' inconsistencies at quarterback, even with Garoppolo healthy (and he often hasn't been.) Is this Josh Allen's best game ever? (Bills 34, 49ers 24)


DURING WARMUPS. I don't know anymore, people. Cowboys start. Wide receiver screen for no gain on 2nd and 24. Jackson and Ingram are both back for the Ravens. Jackson rolls right and picks up a first down. Pass to Brown goes off his hand and is intercepted. Dalton misses Gallup in the end zone. Field goal is good. Dobbins takes off for a big run. Bad snap! That's been a problem for the Ravens all year, regardless of who the center is. The ravens get a few yards back here. Fourth and two, Jackson keeps it, finds a gap, and that's it. He knew at the 20 he wasn't getting caught. HUGE kickoff return by Pollard inside the Ravens' 30 for 67 yards! Gallup catches this touchdown pass. Flag is on the Ravens, so this will stand. Gus Edwards takes off for 36. Dobbins takes it outside but gets cut down. What are the Ravens doing here? Getting called for a false start on a field goal try, it looks like. THEY JUST JINXED JUSTIN TUCKER. Dalton's pass is deflected and Patrick Queen has it! Miles Boykin is wide open, has to jump, makes the catch, stumbles, and scores almost untouched anyway. 14-10 Ravens. Somehow that was his first catch since Week 9. Lamb with another ineffectual catch. Zuerlein misses from 40. Dobbins takes off and gets 30 yards after DPI put the ball at midfield. Tucker makes this one. New streak starting? Refs miss a late hit on Dalton and pass interference on Lamb on the same play. That's no mean feat. Ravens call time out and Joe and Troy wonder why the Cowboys are trying a Hail Mary here, as there's no way they can get the clock stopped if they don't score. Pass goes through Lamb's hands, it looks like. Halftime. Dalton runs away from five Ravens and somehow finds Schultz. Dalton misses Gallup by a lot in the end zone. 53-yarder goes left. Still 17-10. Jackson converts another third and long on the ground, his second on this drive. Great throw to Hollywood for a touchdown. Dalton finds Noah Brown and he gets to the Ravens' 30. Pass intended for Elliott gets tipped and surprisingly not intercepted. Zuerlein misses AGAIN, this one from 52. Edwards breaks off a 20-plus yard run. Why run outside, Ravens? The middle of the Cowboys' defense literally has not stopped you yet. The fullback Ricard takes a hit after a catch. Jackson throws short for Boykin in the end zone and they settle for three. That's Elliott's best run of the night. Pass in the end zone gets broken up and almost intercepted. Chuck Clark breaks up a pass in the end zone but gets called for interference. Replay shows the pass before that may have been intercepted, as Fort's knee landed inbounds. Maybe he didn't have control? (There was no challenge.) Elliott gets stuffed twice. Make that three times. They finally throw it and Cooper somehow gets both feet down for a touchdown. Will the Ravens remember they're allowed to touch the ball on an onside kick? Yes! Touchdown Dobbins. Orlando Brown Jr.: "EASY MONEY!" FOX plugging the hell out of the MLS Cup with Michigan-Ohio State cancelled. Cowboys throw a screen to Gallup for... some reason. McCarthy's one-and-done, right? (Ravens 34, Cowboys 17)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Kansas City (11-1) — Almost gave that one away
2. Pittsburgh (11-1) — Not in the best form right now
3. New Orleans (10-2) — Offense is starting to open back up again
4. Green Bay (9-3) — I'll have the usual

BOTTOM 4:
28. (tie) Philadelphia (3-8-1) — This could all have been avoided
28. (tie) Dallas (3-9) — Yeah, that was a white flag
30. Cincinnati (2-9-1) — It's just hard to care with Burrow not around
31. Jacksonville (1-11) — Just trying anything at this point
32. N.Y. Jets (0-12) — It's inevitable

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