Thursday, September 12, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Setting Up

One hundred years of... this. Al and Chris are in vests with "Press" hats, as per the time period. Gotta say, Al's making it work. Anthem is followed by the intro to "Zoot Suit Riot", which would be more appropriate in Los Angeles. Virginia McCaskey narrates the intro, and she probably has seen more football games than anyone else. I guess they're saving the new song for Sunday night.




Packers will get the ball first. First play is a handoff to Aaron Jones for nothing. Offensive holding on a sack finishes off a three-and-out. Tarik Cohen fumbles the handoff after the Bears line up in a full house backfield.

Defensive holding leads to a first down. Trubisky scrambles for a first down. Meanwhile, Serena Williams just demolished Elena Svitolina in 70 minutes. Kind of like what Blake Martinez just did to Trubisky, coming in unblocked. Rookie David Montgomery makes his first appearance for the Bears. Bears in... FIELD GOAL RANGE. Here comes the survivor of the Chicago Kicking Wars, Eddy Piniero. It's GOOD! Huge pop. He went to Florida after being turned down by Alabama. Then he sends the kickoff out of bounds. Packers can't do anything. Montgomery breaking tackles, as was his trademark in college. 3-0 Bears after 1.




When did the Bears get Cordarrelle Patterson? Kevin King drops an interception. The Packers had -12 yards in that first quarter.




Reminder: Thursday night games almost universally stink. Rodgers goes deep to Valdes-Scantling and hits him for 47. Swing pass to Marcedes Lewis. Touchdown Jimmy Graham! That took 1:35.




OOPS. Rodgers to Adams to convert 3rd and 5. Good protection there. That's a good punt. Suddenly it's the Packers defense that's imposing its will. Both quarterbacks have been badly off target a lot as the half winds down. Al recounts the story of new Packers coach Matt LaFleur tearing his Achilles in minicamp, of all places. Packers get the ball back with 22 seconds left and a time out. Graham gets to midfield. Hail Mary time? Yeah, that only works at the end of games. 7-3 Pack at halftime.

Trubisky sacked again as the offenses have reverted to first quarter form. Montgomery makes the first Bears offensive play in the second half with a catch. Nagy passes on a 50-yard field goal try to go for it on 4th and 10. It does not work. FISTICUFFS! YOU HEARD? Davante Adams trying to go one-on-four after the turnover on downs. I'm amazed there was no roughing call. Pretty sure Rodgers was past the line of scrimmage on that throw that didn't count. Still 7-3 after 3. Add 15 to that Robinson catch for the late hit out of bounds. Is that still Tramon Williams? LaFleur seems to be just as bad at challenges as his predecessor. Call stands.




That's... not an interception. Ball hit the ground. It was VERY close, though. Trubisky throws up a jump ball... that's caught by Taylor Gabriel! But the refs say he DID push off here, and it'll come back. FIRST AND 40. Trubisky throws incomplete on 3rd and 31 and the crowd boos. Adams limps off the field out of camera shot. Rodgers gets sacked again. This game's really gonna end 7-3, isn't it? Or not. Crosby field goal makes it 10-3.




Cohen makes a move on the outside to get a first down. Gabriel makes a falling catch on the sideline, but the Packers challenge. This one they should win. Overturned. Robinson picks them up with a catch on the next play. Trubisky lofts one in to the end zone and it's intercepted by ex-Bear Adrian Amos!




Packers throw on 2nd and 5 for some reason. And then they punt it TO Cohen? That's a good kick, though. Newcomer Preston Smith gets what looks to be the game-ending sack. Cubs-Brewers was 10-5, by the way. Tirico's the only NBC guy who picked the Packers! (Packers 10, Bears 3)

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, IND @ LAC, NYG @ DAL, DET @ AZ (end)

No Adrian Peterson for the Potatoes, who's a healthy scratch and not everybody's happy about it. The same man (Lud Wray) was the first coach of both of these teams. Eagles win the toss and defer. Lot of youth on this offense. But it's the old man — Vernon Davis — who jumps over Darby, breaks a tackle where about four Eagles collided, and scores. He's walking off slowly, like he tired himself out. Wentz hits Jackson, who got the biggest ovation in pregame introductions and for that catch. Then he gets into a scrap with Quinton Dunbar and gets flagged, even though it looks like Dunbar started it. (This is why I can't root for the dude. He's extraordinarily stupid.)




Third and 17 now, and it ends as you'd expect. Eagles secondary doesn't appear to be any better than it was last year so far. Keenum goes to Richardson in the end zone. This is covered well, but Richardson catches it... but he's out of bounds. Graham says "Not this time" to Davis on third down. Field goal is good. Jordan Howard with a catch. Notable that Miles Sanders actually took the first snap but Howard's in now. Fourth and 2 from the 29 and Pederson's going for it. Knocked down at the line. Keenum almost immediately hits rookie Terry McLaurin for a 70-yard touchdown, beating Rasul Douglas badly.




Eagles call a deep pitch to Sproles on 3rd and 1 for some reason and he loses two yards. Eagles finally get some pressure and force a punt. Jeffery finally gets into the game. Goedert takes a strong shot and can't complete the catch. Wentz lobs one to Jackson for a touchdown! Guice is stopped on 3rd and 3, and Washington's lining up to for it. They're on their own 35, by the way. This was just an offsides feint that doesn't work. Who do they think they're playing? The Bengals? Seriously, who names their kid Tress? (The Eagles got close to that punt, by the way.) Offensive holding forces a re-kick. This one goes for 57 and the Eagles end up losing two yards.




McLaurin makes a difficult catch on the sideline to get into Eagles territory. Finally, a sack. They get some back and Hopkins will try from 48. Barely good. 20-7 Potatoes at the half at a rage-filled Linc.




That's... strange. Pederson going for it on 4th and 1. Charles Davis isn't a fan. QB sneak picks it up. Why is Sproles getting so much run? Oh. Sanders probably could have scored there. Got tripped up from behind. Davis notes that Brandon Brooks tore his Achilles in JANUARY and is back. Landon Collins is finally spotted. Touchdown Jeffery, who was covered by linebacker Jon Bostic because Josh Norman went to cover Desean, who's not really a goal-line threat. Graham and Cox with big stuffs force the Potatoes to bail out. Desean AGAIN! Touchdown! That's his 31st 50-plus yard touchdown of his career.




I know I was all over him earlier, and wrote a whole thing a few years back (and a few lines up) about how hard he is to root for, but he brings something the Eagles haven't had since he left. Extra point is good and the Eagles have taken the lead. Good cameras on Wentz's eyes on the replays. Keenum overthrows McLaurin, who would have scored. Washington goes three and out.




Jackson alone on the sideline for 19. Is that Agholor's first catch? Jebus, this team is stacked. Ertz with some yards after the catch and they'll end the third quarter inside the 5. Inside screen to Jeffery for a touchdown. Eagles going for two here? Sproles loses his footing briefly, but two spins later it's 29-20. This has become the Jaguars season opener from 2014. Wentz rolls left and finds Ertz for a first down. Howard with his first big play as an Eagle. Offensive holding negates Sanders' first touchdown. Harold Carmichael getting some video footage love. Dude was 6-foot-8 playing wide receiver. Wentz sneak gets it to the 10 and creates first and goal. This drive has gone for more than nine minutes. Is Howard the "closer" back? Field goal is good. 3:10 left. Welcome, New Audience. That Malik Jackson injury is worrisome. Late touchdown for Washington is shrugworthy but also Significant To Some. Onside kick fails. (Eagles 32, Redskins 27)

What the hell, Falcons? (Vikings 28, Falcons 12)

Weird weekend for the Brown family. Lamar Jackson is GOING OFF.







The Dolphins might go 0-16. IT'S 42-3 AT THE TWO MINUTE WARNING. OF THE FIRST HALF. RGIII in to start the fourth. Could the Dolphins manage to go 0-19?




TAG. Also:







(Ravens 59, Dolphins 10)

I thought Gurley wasn't going to be on a play count? (Rams 30, Panthers 27)




Um, Browns? What in God's name are these end zones? Well this certainly won't provoke any overreactions. (Titans 43, Browns 13)




Ouch. And we were all worried about Wentz getting hurt again. Wait, what? Their backup is WHO?




Tyreek Hill's hurt? That's a shame. Internal power outage in Jacksonville — they apparently don't have replay in the stadium. (Chiefs 40, Jaguars 26)




Yeaaaaah. (Bills 17, Jets 16)

DIGNITY HEALTH SPORTS PARK. It is now truly the Jacoby Brissett era. Is that stadium rim new? That's actually a decent-sized crowd, and considering Recent Events, it's probably also mostly L.A. folks. Chargers ball first. First series ends in a sack. Brissett gets lucky his first pass wasn't picked off. Chargers moving, but the drive stalls inside the 10. Kicking note: the Chargers' punter is handling kicking duties this week, as their kicker got hurt last week. It's good, but a penalty on the Colts gives the Chargers a first down that they take. Touchdown Austin Ekeler (half of Melvin Gordon's two-headed replacement) and the plan pays off. Jack Doyle was pretty wide open there. Colts keep moving the ball. Touchdown Hilton. Viniatieri missed that? Was that Mark Sanchez on the Colts' sideline? I thought he retired. This is an interesting contrast on offense as the Chargers start this drive by going long to Keenan Allen. Touchdown Chargers! Darius Leonard down for the Colts. Chargers field goal is good. Colts drillin'. I think I like Devin Funchess as a No. 2 possession guy here. Thought he was pushed beyond his station in Carolina. DIGNITY HEALTH SPORTS PARK is the 51st stadium Viniatieri has kicked in. He still hasn't made one, though, missing a field goal at the end of the first half. 17-6 Bolts.




Marlon Mack breaks off a 63-yard touchdown run! 24-16 Chargers. Hilton gets 16 on 3rd and 17. Colts punt. Muffed! Colts get it back! Oh, Sanchez is the punter. OK, that's solved. Touchdown Ebron! No? It's ruled incomplete. Colts have to challenge this. This one's tough, because he gets both feet down in the end zone, but he bobbles the ball as he's falling. Call STANDS. Viniatieri CLANGS and misses again! Trent Green points out that all three of his misses have been at the same end of the field. Rivers throws an interception in the end zone! Great play by Malik Hooker to swoop in and bring it back to the 20. (He ONE-HANDED that. I didn't realize it until watching SportsCenter.) Colts running it with Mack and taking their time, but he loses five here. Brissett to Hilton only gets 16 on 3rd and 19. Colts facing 4th and 4 just across midfield. They go for it as Gumbel and Green debate what play to call. It's a quick hitch to Funchess that works. Colts return to the ground for the most part. Mack didn't get this first down. Oh, he DID. Crucial. Hilton spins away from a guy, streaks down the sideline... and gets it in? He does! Colts have to go for two. They give it to Mack and he gets there! We're tied! Chargers spin their wheels and we go to overtime. Chargers win the toss. Rivers to Keenan Allen for 18. That's a catch. Rivers to Hunter Henry for 17 and into Colts territory. Big run by Ekeler. Derek Watt picks up 2 on 3rd and 1 from the Colts' 9. Touchdown Ekeler! Chargers win! And Gordon loses a little bit. (Chargers 30, Colts 24, OT)

Troy thinks this Cowboys team might be as good as some of his and... I don't know about that. The Cowboys planned 55 snaps for Elliott if he hadn't held out? That's nuts. Cowboys get the ball first. That went well.




Barkley fumbles on his first carry but his fullback recovers. I'm sorry, but whenever I hear "Xavier Woods", I'm always going to default to the wrestler. Barkley gets it again and goes for 59! Giants have to burn a time out two plays later. Eli rolls out on a play fake and finds a wide-open Evan Engram for a touchdown. Elliott turns a screen into a 15-yard first down. Dak finds Blake Jarwin wide open for the touchdown.




Engram gets some good blocking on a 19-yard tight end screen. ELI RUNNING. Did that thing get deflected? It looks like Demarcus Lawrence hit Eli's arm, causing that ball to float up like a duck. Two plays later, Eli gets flushed from the pocket and flagged for intentional grounding. Dak hits Michael Gallup for 36, beating Giants rookie De'Andre Baker. Is this game gonna get to halftime before Phillies-Mets ends? Dak to Gallup again. The Giants don't have a pass rush or linebackers. Expect to see a lot of stuff like this. Randall Cobb (!) fights off a tackle and gets first and goal. TOUCHDOWN JASON WITTEN. Jerryworld's as loud as it's ever been.




Cowboys blow up a screen and fall on the ball, but it's an incomplete pass. Dak gives a defender a shoulder shot while running for a first down. Why do the Cowboys have an ex-quarterback coaching tight ends? Witten and a Giants defender get their shoes tangled up somehow. Dak hits Cooper in stride in the end zone.




Giants throw a Hail Mary that falls flat. 21-7 Cowboys. So I missed who's actually starting at WR for the Giants with Golden Tate suspended and Sterling Shepard maybe still hurt? Nice catch by Cody Latimer, who's one answer to that question. Giants lose Cobb, who walks into the end zone. For some reason, Eli decides to run outside, gets crunched, and fumbles. No flag for illegal contact since he was out of the pocket. Cowboys ball. Dak hits Gallup for what turns into a 62-yard catch-and-run. Zeke runs for 8. Touchdown Elliott and this is what Giants fans have to look forward to all season. That's a bad defense, friends. 35-10 Cowboys after 3.




Now we go into an extended discussion of Daniel Jones and the Giants finally having some sort of succession plan at quarterback. Oh, and here he is, since there's no reason to risk Eli further. (Cowboys 35, Giants 17)


This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Seahawks 21, Bengals 20

I'd ask how the Lions blew their lead, but they're the Lions. Touchdown Fitzgerald! Murray flips it to Christian Kirk and we're tied! 44 seconds left! This is SO LIONS. Overtime. The result will be on brand. Which result? Doesn't matter. It's the Lions and the Cardinals. IT WILL BE ON BRAND. Cardinals win the toss and receive. Murray throws a strike to Fitzgerald for 45 yards!




See? The Cardinals not getting a touchdown here was extraordinarily Cardinals. Did Jones catch that? I thought it bounced off the turf. Guess not. And the Lions settle for a field goal and we're tied again. Pass knockdown leads to a 4th and 7 for the Cardinals from the Lions' 46. They bring out the punt team. They do, in fact, punt. Down at the 5. Stafford is sacked! Trumaine Brock drops an interception! That reaction shot of Murray and Kirk was great. Stafford throws it away and that's game. TIES ON FOX. Also, the second straight season we've had a tie in Week 1. (Lions 27, Cardinals 27)

I thought defense was supposed to be ahead of offense this early in the season. Instead we get a 59-spot, as well as a 43, a 40, a 35 and a 32.




Seriously. Medvedev just won to force a fifth set.




NBC brings back "Waiting All Day" and leans ALL THE WAY INTO IT by having Joan Jett play with Carrie. Fuck this banner raising. There's still games going on.




And of course it was Michael Bennett. Brady becomes only the fourth player in history to spend 20 seasons with one team. Teams trade first possessions without incident. Hot take: The Steelers could very easily miss the playoffs again. You don't lose those two dudes and come out the other side better off. (And if they do, then everyone owes Mike Tomlin an apology.) Ben goes deep for rookie Johnny Holden but misses. Wide receiver pass! Edelman flips it to James White, who goes for 32. Josh Gordon breaks two tackles and scores. I'll tell you what: if Antonio Brown had been eligible to play tonight, best believe Belichick would have him returning kicks, if nothing else. I'm gonna get real sick of #LaundryNight, aren't I? Edelman's 500th career catch gets the Pats to the Steelers' 11. The Patriots' new center is Ted Karras III. Yes, that Karras (Alex is his great-uncle). Field goal is good. 10-0 Pats. Jerod Mayo's the Patriots' linebackers coach? Didn't he, like, just retire? James Conner gets swarmed on a 3rd and 1 sweep. Jamie Collins returning to this team after he trashed them on the way out proves just how strong the Kool-Aid is.




Al points out that the Patriots don't play a single playoff team from last year during the first half of the season. Try covering Edelman, guys. Touchdown Dorsett. Cris: "Not a chance I'm getting you on Tom Brady's diet. I've seen what he eats. You ain't eating that."




Ben hits Juju for a first down before this drive also stalls. Field goal is good. 20-0 Patriots. Steelers get the ball to start the second half and are actually driving. Ben finds James Washington for 45 yards and they're in the red zone. Fumble! Steelers recover but lose four yards. Not even a fake field goal try? Welp, Tomlin's given up. Is it a sad field goal in the third quarter?




Seriously! It's a three-score game and there's plenty of time. Another touchdown for Dorsett. Two guys just let him go. T.J. Watt gets to Brady but he completes the pass anyway. Then Brady delivers a deep ball to Gordon in traffic, and he hangs on through a double-team and a big hit. I was waiting for the ball to come out and it... didn't. Steelers hold them to three. 30-3 after three. I pull Brady after this drive (which will end in points, as that Edelman completion put them in field goal range). This is the kind of game that encourages cheap shots. (The Pats kicked another field goal, by the by.) Talk turns to Belichick's future. I completely disagree with Collinsworth here: I don't believe Belichick — who's already 67 — will ever coach another quarterback. I do think Brady would stick around and play for McDaniels (because nobody else will hire him after that Colts stunt). Steelers drive ends with an interception in the end zone and I don't know why I'm still bothering.




EDIT: About that last bit... (Patriots 33, Steelers 3)

And 50 years of Monday Night Football! Hey Texans: The Astros put up 21 yesterday. Your move. I don't understand how Will Fuller caught that pass. At least — AT LEAST — the down and distance marker is staying on one side of the screen this year. Texans challenging a spot. Don't do this. Oh God, this is the ref from the NFC title game? Call stands, and the Texans actually blew two time outs on this because they called one to buy time, then lose the challenge. Texans going for it. (It's 4th and inches on the Saints 20.) Watson keeps it and goes left... Touchdown! Refs rule he cleared the pylon.




Saints come out with an unbalanced line. Watson's in the medical tent. Field goal is good. Watson back. That's the third time Hopkins — who's normally ridiculously sure-handed — hasn't made the catch. Carlos Hyde goes for 21. Booger pointing out how many new players the Texans have brought in in the last couple weeks and how continuity and communication aren't necessarily what they should be. Duke Johnson! Two minutes warning and the Texans are in the red zone. Hopkins caught that one. Texans devour a screen. Officials reviewing the spot on this sideline play. They change it to a first down. Lot of new cameras this season — pylon, first down stick. Because the play was changed to a catch and a first down, the officials run 10 seconds off the clock, to the audible disdain of Saints fans. (And it turns out they screwed THIS up, too — there should have been 15 more seconds on the clock than there were.) First and 10 from their own 47. That pass was deflected and shill should have been caught. They cross midfield and Lutz will try from 56. Long enough, but slightly left. 14-3 Texans at halftime. Band out here just walking on behind Suzy Kolber & company like they're not there. Is that the LSU band? Steve Levy, Brian Griese and Louis Riddick are doing the late game. I'm surprised "G-Eazy" was available as a rap name this late in the game.




Brees hits Kamara in stride for 41, followed by Latavius Murray running for 34 and a touchdown. The Saints lose track of Watson and he scrambles for a first down. Lattimore picks off Watson in the end zone, but there's a flag — offsides. It won't count. Watson to Hopkins for another touchdown. Brees heating up. Pitch to Taysom Hill gets seven, then he catches a touchdown pass!





Right before that play, Booger asked where J.J. Watt was. The answer? Being triple-teamed.




Though there's no reason to chase two points this early, I wouldn't have been against it, necessarily. Watson goes deep for Fuller but Marcus Williams picks it off, then Hopkins hits HIM with a German suplex and things get violent. Kamara with another big run. Touchdown Tre'Quan Smith and the Saints start the fourth quarter by taking the lead. Big run by Hyde to salvage a 3rd and long. This Saints front is also missing some key dudes. 3RD AND 28. That's hard to overcome twice. After not being able to hang on to a bullet from Brees, Kamara runs through four or five tackles. Somehow this drive ends with a punt that goes out at the Texans' 3. Try covering Hopkins, guys. Thirty-two Duke Johnson yards later and the Texans are in Saints territory. Or were, until Laremy Tunsil (another new Texan) gets beat on a sack.







Brees drops one in Ginn's basket for 40 to lock this one up. Late field goal makes it 27-21 with 50 seconds left. Hopkins! Texans ball inside the Saints; 40! TOUCHDOWN KENNY STILLS!! Watson barely beat the corner blitz and found Yet Another New Texan.




Extra point is... WIDE RIGHT. But the Saints get flagged for roughing the kicker! WHAT IS GOING ON. Oh, that's obvious. You cannot do that. Re-kick is good and the Texans lead.







Thirty-three seconds left. Three straight completions by Brees get them to the Texans' 40 with two seconds left.




The general consensus here is that the officials would have ruled that Ginn gave himself up, blowing the play dead. That would have made them scramble to call their last time out. As it was, all Colvin (who's been awful with the Texans and was released on Tuesday) did was give the Saints time to call time. Lutz from 58. GOOD!  (Saints 30, Texans 28)




Levy: "We'll have what they had, huh? Give us some of that." Raiders are already in the red zone. Carr finds Tyrell Williams for a touchdown. I mean, technically, the Raiders' offense never actually HAD Antonio Brown, so. And now, Joe Flacco, Bronco, and John Elway's latest attempt to find a quarterback half as good as he was. (Steve Spurrier had the same issue.) What the hell was that play call? Antonio Brown is described as an "energy vampire." Brian Griese says the Raiders called Vontaze Burfict "one of the smartest players they've ever been around" which is TERRIFYING.




Right? This shit isn't hard! Broncos are stinking up the joint. Flacco fumbles, and though the Broncos recover, they're out of field goal range now. These teams are gonna be BAD. Carr to Williams again. Amazing that Hunter Renfrow ended up on the Raiders and not the Patriots. Touchdown Josh Jacobs. Also amazing that this team still has fans after how they've treated the city of Oakland. They are chanting some unspeakable sentiments about Brown, so there's that. First catch for Emanuel Sanders, a former Steelers teammate of Brown. DaeShawn Hamilton catches a ball that Courtland Sutton could not. Flacco misses Sanders badly but he was interfered with, only for draft reach Clelin Ferrell to deflect Flacco's next pass attempt.




McManus from 64... no. 14-0 Raiders at halftime. Broncos driving to start the second half. Philip Lindsay somehow evades a tackle on 3rd down and gets to the Raiders' 6. Flacco gets sacked on the subsequent third down. Gruden's gonna lose this challenge — Flacco's down before the ball comes out. The refs also missed defensive holding and a facemask. Call stands. Field goal is good.
Gareon Conley took his teammate's leg to his head and he's still down. We go through two commercial breaks before he's stretchered out. I've never seen someone in this position in so many restraints. (UPDATE: He is fine. The teammate who hit him, Johnathan Abram, had already wrecked his shoulder before this and is probably done for the season.) Hamilton drops a touchdown pass. Field goal is good. 14-6. That's a good punt. Jacobs running hard after the catch, getting 10 more yards. Williams has become the No. 1 receiver for the Raiders, outjumping Chris Harris to create first and goal. Carr is 21 for 25. Touchdown Jacobs! Flacco goes deep to Sanders, who catches it! Then he runs out of time on 3rd and 2. That was a COVERAGE sack. That was airtight. Field goal is good. Did Dwayne Harris shove his own teammate out of the way on that kickoff return? It went 71 yards. Allegiant Stadium? O... kay. It's a three-score game again after a Raiders field goal.
Flacco tries a keeper that does not work. Touchdown to Sanders. Broncos kick the extra point and it's 24-16, then they kick it deep and get a touchback out of it. There's still 2:15 left, so they still have the two-minute warning to stop the clock as well as two timeouts. Two straight first downs seal it. Gruden greets some fans as he leaves the final Monday night in Oakland. (Raiders 24, Broncos 16)
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