Thursday, September 5, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Some 600 Reasons

There's a weird non-buzz around this one. There's a LOT of Patriots fatigue (this is Belichick and Brady's ninth Super Bowl together) as well as a feeling that the Rams shouldn't be here because of the refs' fuckup two weeks ago.

Are they re-presenting the Man of the Year award? Chris Long already got it last night. Why are we also doing "America the Beautiful"?






KIMMY NO.







There's NO WAY Gladys Knight comes in under 1:47 for the anthem. Are there any original Pips left? Are the Pips even still a thing? Oh yeah. Not even close. I'm calling it 2:04. And now the roof hole will close again. Dr. King's daughter Bernice, Rep. John Lewis, and Andrew Young are our honorary captains, which is hilarious considering Colin Kaepernick's being blackballed. Pats call heads. It's TAILS. Rams defer to the second half. Let's do this. That's a good return. Michel gets a first down immediately. Interception? Interception! See what happens when you play the ball, Nickell?




That ultimately didn't go anywhere but it kept the Patriots off the board. Edelman picks up a 3rd and 9. I didn't see an illegal helmet hit anywhere. Neither does Romo. Burkhead catches a pass on 3rd and 9 for 11 yards. Gronk left open in the middle of the field for some reason. The Pats have never scored a first-quarter touchdown in the Super Bowl? That doesn't make sense.

What the hell, Olay.

Fowler stuffs a run (?) on 3rd and 8. Gostkowski from 46. Hooking left... NO GOOD!

I'm not sure a Kraken was necessary for this Bud Light ad, either.

We come back to a Boston vs. L.A. montage. Goff completes it to Reynolds and gets into Patriots territory. He them misses badly on a first down throw. Delay of game on a 4th and 3 punt. Nice work. And why are you punting there in the first place?




The Rams can't do anything with Edelman at the outset. Peters almost gets a pick. I'm not sure what Brady saw there. Seriously, they might want to double Edelman or something. Sack! Patriots recover the fumble but that's more damage than Brady took two weeks ago against the Chiefs. Gronk gets most of it back, leaving a 3rd and 5. Brady under pressure again and throws incomplete. Scoreless after 1.







Oh, it's Carell. OK. THANK YOU GAME OF THRONES.

Gostkowski BARELY gets that one through. We have points!




Goff saw what Van Noy did to Mahomes — twice — in the AFC title game and decided he wanted no part of that. What's particularly damning so far is that the Rams have had better starting field position throughout this game and managed to do nothing with it. Things aren't going that much better for the Patriots, either, as both teams continue trading punts. Patterson does NOT get this first down. Rams call time out. Patriots go for it. NOPE. Maybe next time.




Rams have done nothing on offense. Halftime. 3-0 Patriots.




Time for HALFTIME HEAT. Featuring five well-known indy stars and a 23-year-old wild man. Oh, also Maroon 5's playing.




Bravo, NFL 100. BRAVO.

"Aleister Black" is such a better name than "Tommy End." For as much grief as WWE gets for renaming indy guys, they needed to change that one and they hit gold. Also, if he's 215, so is C.J. Anderson. It's also weird that the heels work under their indy names. HBK on color? Did Dream pick his title shot already?

NOT opening with "Moves Like Jagger" is an amateur move. Spongebob? I'm not that familiar with Travis Scott. Does he do this all the time? Adam trying to dance like him is hilarious. The Halftime Heat crowd is somehow louder. This is not the time to go low-key, dudes.




(I didn't want to say anything.)

Bring Spongebob back! Big Boi here to save us, hopefully. He's doing "The Way You Move", which will help. They put Adam in at ATLiens jacket. That's hilarious. This match is a straight-up spotfest that somehow has to go 20 minutes. How the hell was that not a segue into "Moves Like Jagger"? That's just logical!




Ricochet just kicked out of Cole's top-rope Canadian Destroyer (Panama City Sunrise). HERE'S M-L-J, FINALLY. Seriously, who books this stuff? Dream pins Cole!







Dietz Nuts.




Seconded. Gurley lives! This dude can catch the ball; try using him in the passing game to get him going. Chung down? They're putting an air cast on his arm, Nantz says. He walks off, but I can't imagine he'll be back. Goff misses badly high on 3rd down — he's 0-for-6 on third down now. Edelman AGAIN. The Rams have no one who can slow him down, which seems wild.




Punt is downed at the Rams' 2.

Why is a robot from "Replicas" in a Michelob Ultra spot?




Goff almost gets blasted in the end zone but gets the ball away just in time. It's incomplete, of course. Romo: "This is hard to watch." That's the longest punt in Super Bowl history and the announcers are PUMPED.







Is a wide receiver going to win the MVP in a 3-0 game? Peters with good defense on Chris Hogan on 3rd and 5. Finally a Brian Flores mention — the Patriots' linebackers coach is taking over the Dolphins tomorrow. They calling this a catch? Yes! Woods gets the Rams inside the Pats' 30. Rams call time out, as they are unused to being this far down the field. Jason McCourty swoops in at the last second to deny Cooks a touchdown.







Goff gets sacked by Van Noy and Hightower, making this a much longer field goal attempt if they choose. Legatron from 53. GOOD. Tied at 3. Romo: "They got points!"




Wasn't "Hanna" a movie? Am I remembering right? (It was. One of Saiorse Ronan's first lead roles, in fact.)

Rams can't afford to give first downs away on penalties. Michel with a 19-yard run. End of 3.

INSPIRA HEALTH CARE ROBOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER SOUTH JERSEY. Patton was right!

We've never had a Super Bowl without a touchdown through the first three quarters. Good work by Anderson getting nine yards after that catch. Anderson fumbles but it goes out of bounds. Gilmore punched it out and the Rams got real lucky there.

Hooray, Microsoft.

Gurley! Finally! 13 yards for a first down. And of course, it gets called back for holding, because we can't have nice things in 2019. Goff takes a hit on the sideline but I think it's inbounds and legal. Then he overthrows Cooks. Why run on 3rd and 22?

Clydesdales in their natural habitat — a wheat field. Andy Warhol? Really?

Every Super Bowl the Pats have been in has been a one-score game. There's 9:49 left in this one. Brady hits Gronk down the sideline. Gronk to the 2!! WELCOME TO A RED ZONE. Touchdown Michel and this game's over. Win or lose, McVay's been completely outclassed tonight.




Harrison Ford and Abbi and Ilana in the same commercial. That's a thing that happened. Rams finally starting to put something together. I don't think the fact that Cooks was in this game last year for the Patriots (until Malcolm Jenkins took him out) has been brought up yet. Patriots blitz Goff, who throws up a floater that gets picked by Gilmore. That's game. Remember when this happened?




In retrospect, we should have known this was possible after the divisional playoff against the Cowboys, which got overlooked because they won. I don't count the Saints game because that was its own beast of incompetence. But yeah... this is exactly the opposite of what Pederson did last year. You cannot coach scared against these guys.

We doing ASMR now, Michelob?

Big Michel run gets the Patriots out of their own end. Is he gonna backdoor his way into the MVP award? And when did the Rams run out of time outs? Romo thinks the Rams should decline this penalty to make it second down. They do not do this, not that it matters. Two minutes left.




Michel spins but doesn't quite get the first down. Why is this taking so long? Is Belichick just trolling everyone now? They finally bring the field goal team out. A miss here would be HILARIOUS. It's good. Is it a sad field goal if it's the second one? Doesn't matter, he missed anyway. What a trash fire this was.










Brady hugs Cooks before interviewing with Tracy Wolfson, which reminds me that Cooks is two-thirds of the way to becoming Marian Hossa. It's a damn rugby scrum out there. Somebody go help Tracy, God.




Ridley Scott's doing Turkish Airlines ads? Wilfork's slimmed down. Falcons fans can't be happy about this. Goodell getting booed back to Savannah. Edelman MVP. Should a wide receiver really have a playoff beard?

I'm genuinely sick of these people. And my team actually BEAT them! (Patriots 13, Rams 3)
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