Thursday, December 27, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Covered In Eggs

Eric Berry back, yet again. Hopefully this is the last time we have to go through this. Of course you gotta get ribs in the opening montage. We're in Kansas City! Underthrow by Rivers leads to an interception. Williams turns the corner for 14 yards. Mahomes gets run out of the pocket and Williams bails him out with a third-down catch. Who is Darrell Williams? Mahomes had a week to throw that pass and he finds Robinson in the end zone. The Chargers are standing around stunned. Rivers to Gates, because that's never happened before. Tripping by the offensive line on a sack. Good job, dude. Damian Williams is left open and almost reaches midfield. He's faster than Kareem Hunt is, I think. Also, no Spencer Ware yet? Touchdown Darrell Williams! Again, who? Chiefs penalties keeping this Chargers drive going. Allen thinks he caught a touchdown here, but he's out of bounds before he actually gets control. Touchdown Mike Williams. SPECIAL TEAMS. Chargers somehow survive the kickoff being returned into their own territory and force the punt. Tyrell Williams catches a "hell with it" pass from Rivers to get them out of their own end. Obligatory River/Eli/Ben graphic. Aikman takes an unwitting(?) shot at Eli by saying that nobody in L.A. is talking about how much time Rives has left. Pass into the end zone is... intercepted? Review says yes. Chiefs ball. Noted Canadian Ryan Reynolds is part of the halftime show. Hill takes a shot and still somehow hangs on to that ball. Now it's first and goal, because of course it is. Touchdown Damien Williams. 21-7 Chiefs. Tony Gonzalez went into the Ring of Honor tonight and joins the guys in the booth. Imagine this team with him on it. Good Lord. Chargers getting a lot of run out of this Jackson kid. Mike Williams touchdown RUN? Well then. 21-14. AFC playoff picture graphic. HOT PURSUIT! Mahomes out here throwing sidearm incompletions with his off hand. I didn't see a hold there, either. Bomb on a free play goes off Hill's helmet, and it turns out Hill left early also. Aikman makes a Jose Canseco joke. Illegal shift cancels a Williams first down run. Mahomes sneak... works? Yes, it works. Touchdown Chiefs.




Gates is 38, runs a 5.9 40 at this point, and is still out there making guys miss. What. Touchdown Justin Jackson. Travis Benjamin switched to #12? Rivers just misses Tyrell Williams and we're at the two-minute warning. Benjamin picks up 4th and 8 and gets to the 10.




Clock under a minute and still running. Incomplete to Jackson. Rivers gets sacked. That's a clean hit. Or is it? In slow motion there's definitely helmet contact. Still, that's not the worst one refs have missed in recent weeks. Incomplete to Mike Williams in the end zone, but the Chiefs get called for pass interference. I don't see that either. Touchdown Mike Williams. Being reviewed, of course. The Chargers' offense is still on the field, by the way. Aikman was sure that pass interference the play before this was actually on the Chargers. Back to this play, Pereira thinks Williams maintained control. It's ruled a touchdown. Buck remembers that this was done to the Chargers earlier this season and didn't work. Mike Williams is WIDE open and the conversion is good!




Chargers squib the kickoff and the Chiefs don't kneel immediately, instead trying pitchy pitchy woo woo. It's over! Rivers actually wins at Arrowhead!




(Chargers 29, Chiefs 28)

Curt Menefee and Nate Burleson in the NFL Network booth with Mariucci. DeAndre Carter starting for the Texans as the third WR. Designed Watson run gets 25. Miller hurt. Whistle gets blown on Watson in the grasp, potentially costing them a touchdown because who knows. Field goal is good. Darnold misses Anderson in the end zone. Ex-Titan Rishard Matthews makes a diving catch for a first down. Watt jumps offside and blames the Jets. He still gets flagged. Robby Anderson catches a 7-yard pass on 3rd and 3. Field goal is good. Texans go back in front. Fumble! Watt causes chaos and the Texans take over just across the 50. No Isaiah Crowell for the Jets, by the by. Touchdown Hopkins, who turned into an outfielder on that lob from Watson.




Field goal makes it 16-3 Texans. Darnold rolls out and hits the tight end for a first down. Two minute warning. Anderson gets open and gets to the Texans' 5. Touchdown Anderson! That's the Texans' first punt? Huh. Touchdown Roberts! Extra point is MISSED for the second time! The Jets should actually be up one right now.







Watson evades a rusher and turns a sack into a one-yard gain. Jets' defense popped on that series. Carter caught that pass from Watson and no one seemed to notice. Jamal Adams gets Watson on a blitz, the sixth sack for the Jets today. The Texans' offensive line is bad. Field goal is good. 19-15 Texans with 12:33 left. Darnold gets a first down on a sneak. Then he finds the tight end Herndon after a scramble for 27 yards. Announcers think the Jets should challenge this spot on fourth down, but it's the Texans who call time out just before the Jets snap the ball. The Jets SHOULD challenge that, and I'm not an advocate of challenging spots. No idea what any of that was about. Darnold to Anderson gets it anyway. Darnold sprints left and gets inside the 10. Jets push into the end zone and take the lead. Extra point is GOOD. 22-19. Hopkins! Morris Claiborne gets caught holding Hopkins three plays later. Watson gets away and finds Thomas inside the 25. Hopkins fights off Claiborne in the end zone and makes the catch! He's hurt. Watson and Blue carry him off the field. Extra point is good. Texans up four. 2:15 left. Darnold had a shot at Anderson deep but Joseph knocked it down. Menefee reminds us of the Jets' two missed extra points. Anderson jumps up on 4th and 14 but can't quite get to the ball. Texans SURVIVE. (Texans 29, Jets 22)

Two fringe playoff contenders here? Wild. That's the best catch Breshad Perriman's ever made in the pros. Touchdown Browns. I did not know the Chubbs were cousins, though it makes sense. (And with their interest in Nick, the Broncos ending up with both of them — making them teammates AGAIN — would have been nuts.) That pass to Duke Johnson was almost intercepted. Jamie Collins goes helmet-to-helmet on Courtland Sutton and gets flagged. DPI gives the Broncos first and goal at the 5. Devin Booker does... not score? Hmmm. Keenum rolls out on third down and dives into the end zone. Tied at 7.




David Njoku helps bail Mayfield out of 3rd and long. Mayfield goes deep into traffic and it's knocked down. Broncos have had the ball a lot and haven't done as much with it as they should. Field goal is good. Duke Johnson with a rare carry for 16. That's a coverage sack. And it's because there was some holding on that coverage. I thought he said 29, not 21. No matter, as it's first down Cleveland. The Broncos haven't really tested the Browns deep much, but it's helping Keenum, who's hitting on a lot of short routes. There's one to LaCosse for a first down. And there's another one to Sutton for another first down. Aaand that may be why. Good play by Peppers in the end zone to pick that off. Now it's Mayfield's turn to throw an end-zone pick. We go into halftime tied at 10. How the hell is that taunting? Mayfield, with time, manages to find Njoku, who extends to make the catch and get a first down. Fumble! Broncos get it. Field goal is good. Holding wipes out a 35-yard Chubb run. Greg Robinson's been a terrible pro. I swear there's been a flag every three plays this quarter.




Miller sacks Mayfield to end the third quarter and set the new Broncos sack record. Interception Browns! Pass into tight coverage almost gives it back but Landry manages to snare it. Higgins gets the Browns into the red zone. Touchdown Callaway! Browns lead! Philip Lindsay with a much-needed big run for the Broncos. This DaeSean Hamilton catch is close. Refs say he's short and the Broncos challenge. Call reversed. This crowd's been hyped all game, by the way. I don't like this decision to kick a field goal with less than five minutes left. Chubb breaks off a 40-yarder! Swing pass on 3rd down comes up short. I don't know why they're reviewing this; it's not a first down.




Call stands. That didn't need to take as long as it did. Broncos burn their last time out, for some reason. Then the Browns coaches call time out as the Broncos had jumped offsides! WHY ARE THEY GOING FOR THIS? Chubb is STUFFED. Dear Lord. Broncos take over with 1:48 left. Bad tackling helps Booker get into Broncos territory. Jabril Peppers with the sack! It's over! crosses off Broncos (Browns 17, Broncos 16)

Signal Finder: DAL @ IND, TEN @ NYG, OAK @ CIN (end), PIT @ NE

No Beckham for the Giants again. Gotta make those, Succop. The Derrick Henry diet is back, ladies and gentlemen. Review overturns this touchdown. That's not a good angle but fine. Mariota... doesn't make it? Oh, there he is. Refs say no. I'd have challenged that. Henry DOES get in on fourth down. Barkley loses 10. Oof. This Henry run will stand. I'll need more context than I got here. Giants force a punt, then run their own fake punt. Oh, wait, that was not designed. He lost his grip on the ball, the Titans stayed home, and he took off. Insane. Now they have an outside shot at points here. Eli gets rushed and sacked to end the half. Sterling Shepard with a big catch. That's a great play by Byard to pick that off. What's the review here? Down by contact? Sure, OK. It's still Titans ball. Mariota waits for Luke Stocker to get ridiculously open and finds him for a first down. Titans cover the hell out of this punt. Eli fumbles and it's Titans ball. Giants appear to get a stop at the 3 but a facemask gives the Titans a new set of down. Touchdown Henry. Dion Lewis getting in on the action. He's like salad substitute, I guess. Field goal is good and that's it. Eli hits Bennie Fowler for about 45 inconsequential yards. I should point out now that with the Jets playing here yesterday afternoon (and the weather being bad), the end zones were not painted this weekend. Off throw by Eli hits Byard in the back and that's that. Titans still alive! (Titans 17, Giants 0)

Dak throws behind Hurns. BLOCKED FIELD GOAL. No whistle? TOUCHDOWN COLTS? Nah, it's #97, Charles. They eventually (correctly) rule that Darius Leonard was down by contact after recovering the ball. Of course, that's a clear recovery. Fuck this league. Big run by Marlon Mack. Suddenly it's first and goal at the 1. Lawrence wrecks the right tackle and forces Luck into a bad throw that Hilton cant bring in. Touchdown Mack.




Oh, upon seeing it again, it was #96 that actually blocked the field goal. My apologies. Elliott making moves in space. Second quarter begins with the Cowboys in the red zone. Maybe not the ideal time to throw to the fullback? Cowboys going on 4th and 1 from the Colts' 3. NAH, SON. Hilton has a problem with that illegal blocking call. Wilkins turns a screen that looked doomed into a seven-yard gain. Ryan Grant spins out Byron Jones and gets a first down. When did Eric Ebron stop sucking? Colts' O-line letting them down with penalties. Tyron Smith gets flagged for picking up a defensive back by his shoulders. Dak wasn't good on that drive. Cowboys go for 4th and 1 again in no-man's land (the Colts' 41 or so) and Elliott picks it up. Dak gets sacked on 3rd and 9, ending any hope of scoring on this drive. Just ran out of time there.




At this point, Sean Lee over Leighton Vander Esch is a downgrade. Colts in a two-minute drill. T.Y. Hilton scores if he doesn't slip. Refs miss pass interference on Iwubize. They do get Anthony Brown on a hold on the next play. Viniatieri's kick is good. 10-0 Colts at halftime. Colts running right through the Cowboys' defense right now.




Touchdown Mack and that was easy. Hilton with a clutch sliding catch. Luck takes off for six yards. Field goal is good and it's 20-0 Colts. Interception gets called back. Colts end up kicking a field goal. This has been thorough and decisive.




Mack fumbles with 4:04 left, putting the shutout in jeopardy. Or not, as Dak throws a bad pick four plays later. (Colts 23, Cowboys 0)

No James Conner but replacement Jaylen Samuels already doing big things. Touchdown McDonald! Brady's numbers at Heinz are sick. Play fake destroys two Steelers and Chris Hogan is as open as anyone has ever been. Ben to Road Dogg. Nantz: "And yes, that is a catch." Two straight sacks? Not good.

Eli Rogers back? He's been on the PUP list all season. Late pass interference flag on the Patriots. Touchdown Brown! That was a bullet into traffic. 14-7 Steelers. Big Michel run is called back because of a hold. Pats have two guys dive to get this punt out of the end zone, and the second man (Burkhead?) succeeds.





Steelers stuck at their own 1. Not any more! The saving grace for the Steelers might be that this Pats' defense just isn't great. Interception! Three minutes left in the first half and Gronk has yet to see a pass. Patterson picks up 3rd and 5. Then on 3rd and 9 he spins out of a hit and gets another first down. Was he down, though? It's being reviewed as Romo suggests the Steelers should call time out. After five different replays, we finally get the best angle of the shin that Steratore's talking about. Call reversed. 4th and 1. The Pats bring their offense out, then pull everyone off the field and bring on the punt team while the clock runs! The punt leaves the Steelers with 15 seconds, and they'll just go into halftime. A Grammys promo? Really? Two big plays from James Washington get the Steelers into the red zone on their first drive. Samuels runs left and gets to the 4. Get sacked or take an intentional grounding call? It's a tough choice. Boswell MISSES! This is how it starts. What happened to that dude? Seeing Edelman's stats flash onscreen makes me realize we haven't heard much from him, either. T.J. Watt with a sack. Brady throws incomplete on third down, but Haden interfered with Hogan. Oh, yeah, that's obvious and unnecessary, as Romo says. Screen to Edelman is stopped one yard short (and was almost a pick-six by Bud Dupree). Pats false start on the field goal attempt but still make it. Another interception by Harmon after way too many people were in the same place at the same time. (Brown and Rogers, for some reason, and three defenders.) There's the big Edelman play we've been waiting for. Morgan Burnett ran into a teammate to open that up. Steelers want to challenge what they think is a fumble, but they can't because the ruling was that forward progress was stopped. I'm not sure they'd have won anyway. Gronk! He fights through two Steelers and sets up first and goal. Pats are moving backwards. INTERCEPTION! Romo's right; I don't think I've ever seen Brady do that. Good job by Samuels to stay inbounds after converting that 3rd and 9. That's great defense by Jackson on that pass to Juju. Someone lose a shoe. Boswell on now. It's GOOD. Patriots don't get the ball snapped before the two-minute warning. Edelman! ANOTHER pre-snap penalty on the Pats. Belichick's going to blow several gaskets after this, win or lose. Brady misfiring all over the place now. Gronk just hasn't been open. One last chance. INCOMPLETE!





Wow! Steelers WIN! That NEVER happens. Man, I got this one ALL the way wrong and I couldn't be happier. (Steelers 17, Patriots 10)

I'm not sure that was necessary. Eagles win the toss and defer, choosing not to prolong the misery. That's an insane punt. Sproles gets into Rams territory. NBC's still doing that thing where they discolor the field? Field goal is good. Watching the Rams snap the ball so quickly, I'm reminded that the Eagles used to do that even last season at times. Woods picks a ball out of the air for a first down. Gurley already has more yards than last week. That's a pretty screen play. Gurley powers into the end zone. Cox limping off? Well, this game's over. Jeffery beats Talib. Sproles! Collinsworth talking about all the third and fourth downs they converted last year: "The numbers were unsustainable." John Johnson knocks the ball out of Ertz's hands to prevent a touchdown. He's been great this year, yes. Elliott field goal is good. Woods takes an end around 19 yards. Interception? Yes! Maddox with a diving pick. Foles throws one up and takes a shot from Donald, while Agholor can't bring it down at the other end. Eagles go for it on 4th and 1 from the Rams 49 and it's not close. That's a wasted turnover.




Gurley back. That's certainly a hold by Woods. Eagles finally get pressure and Cox sacks Goff on third down. Field goal is good. Aaron Judge and Tommy Lasorda are here. Where's Trout? The Rams burn a timeout with 2:09 left. Foles to Jeffery for 35! Jeffery with another catch at the Rams' 6. Touchdown Adams! Woods takes a screen in to field goal range. And that's all they get.




Shockingly, we're tied at 13 at halftime. See, the ideal thing to do would be to involve Ertz AND Jeffery equally in the offense. Pro tip: Don't back up inside the 5 to field a punt. Weird play calls by the Rams inside their own 5 — an outside run and a hitch route. That was a great series by the Eagles' defense. Foles with a bomb to Jeffery for 49 yards! Not sure why he AND Agholor were in the same spot. Touchdown Smallwood! What is going on?




Michele says the Rams have been working on Gurley's knee. LeBlanc down for the Eagles, who may have to call Mark McMillan soon. Smallwood with a nice run. There will be a metric assload of bad anti-Wentz takes, but here's a good one: Nick Foles knows Alshon Jeffery, Nelson Agholor and Golden Tate are on the team. Field goal is good. Maybe the Rams are just bad on NBC? What! Goff turns it over while being surrounded. What was he trying to do? He's gotta just go down. (That all started when his center stepped on his foot.) It's ruled an interception for stat-keeping purposes.




Eagles have the ball at the Rams 12. TOUCHDOWN SMALLWOOD. This is insane. Rams go three-and-out. Collinsworth's spent several instances pointing out that teams have started playing way back against the Rams to prevent the big plays. Fake punt! Pass is... caught? Caught. Eagles challenge. Call OVERTURNED. Huge cheer goes up from the many Eagles fans in attendance.




Foles gets picked off by Talib, who brings it to the 35. Woods breaks a tackle on 3rd and 3 and gets 11 yards. Goff misses Everett for what would have been six. Two plays later, he's slightly off target for Gurley in the end zone. At 4th and 13, you kick the field goal. Shelton Gibson lives? Ertz gets a first down. Down to 6:25 left. Rams still being stuck with the underneath stuff. Then he hits Reynolds for 34 yards and a touchdown. Or does he? No touchdown after review. Just run Gurley here. There it is. Extra point is good. 30-23. Block in the back by Johnson puts the Eagles in a deeper hole. Foles got lucky that wasn't intercepted. I just noticed the Rams are wearing their pre-St. Louis uniforms, which they should stick with. Eagles are forced to punt. FUMBLE! Eagles get it! That kid Matson has struggled with punts this year. The play clock is such where the Eagles can run it down to the two-minute warning now. Don't understand that call. This is the edge of field goal range. Why not go downfield? Rams are out of time outs, I should note. Elliott from 53. NOPE. Wide right. Surprised the Rams didn't spike it here. But if they had a play ready, might as well run it. 20 seconds left. Gurley doesn't go out of bounds, for reasons utterly unknown. He had a shot before he was tackled. Rams spike it, leaving them four seconds. 18 yards to go.




They did not. Too high and that's it! That's a more improbable win than the Super Bowl. And now, the two words every football fan hates: Quarterback. Controversy. (Eagles 30, Rams 23)

Wait. Cam got hit in the head and the refs threw a flag? STOP THE PRESSES. Panthers go for it on 4th and 3. HALFBACK PASS. TOUCHDOWN PANTHERS. I thought dude was gonna get caught from behind but he somehow didn't. Chris Manhertz. (Indeed.) Good kickoff return by Kamara. Ingram takes off for 29 yards. That ended abruptly. 7-3 Panthers. Brees with days to throw and he finds Watson downfield. I also thought he was down by contact. Brees sneak does NOT work. (He's only 6 feet tall.) Field goal is good. 7-6. Cam shows 'em how it's done. That wasn't necessary, Andrus Peat.




We never did find out, either. (One of the underreported problems with this broadcast is that nobody is on the same page half the time.) Panthers are pinned deep and the Saints hold. Whoa! Good play by Thomas Davis to break up the pass, then Bradberry comes up with the deflection! Panthers ball at the Saints' 45 after the return. Was this a designed run for Cam? That almost didn't work. He does get the first down. Then he makes a bad read looking for Funchess and Eli Apple picks him off. Saints lucky to only be down one at halftime. Brees wanted Watson but he couldn't hold on. Saints challenge but the call of incomplete stands. In case you were wondering whatever happened to Kenyon Barner, he just got wrecked on that punt return. Morstead gets roughed pretty badly. He's still down. OK. He's up in time to punt again. Cam slips on a third down dive and Tessitore thinks he got a bad spot. Panthers challenge. They win the spot. First down. That handoff to D.J. Moore was perfect up until he fumbled. Saints ball! By the way, it's still 7-6. I'm with Rivera... that was uncatchable. Hey, a Taysom Hill play that actually worked! Touchdown Kamara! Saints go for two. Intercepted! THIS IS HAPPENING. That's two points for the PANTHERS! So it's 12-9. That was a terrible decision by Brees. Looked like some of the passes Brady threw on the last drive yesterday. Kamara finds open space. Brees to Smith on 3rd and 10 and this is gonna be close. Just short. Witten predicts Payton will go for it here. He does and it works. Two minutes left. Panthers use their last time out with 1:51 left. NO! The Saints fumble out of the end zone! Panthers ball! There's not enough here to overturn this. Did Lewis not know they didn't need a touchdown at that moment? (It's still an awful rule.) Catanzaro's replacing an injured Gano? Welp. Cam gets sacked AGAIN. And Catanzaro won't even get the chance to blow it, as Cam gets blitzed and throws incomplete. crosses off Panthers (Saints 12, Panthers 9)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. New Orleans (12-2) — Can't remember the last knock-down drag-out they won like that one
2. L.A. Chargers (11-3) — In another time, we'd be singing the song
3. L.A. Rams (11-3) — Has the puzzle been solved?
4. Kansas City (11-3) — Tough one to take

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-11) — Was it supposed to be this bad?
30. San Francisco (4-10) — At least they've found a backup QB
31. Jacksonville (4-10) — This has been quite the collapse
32. Oakland (3-11) — Enjoy Reno next season


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Saturday, December 15, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Don't Look Down

Jaguars! Titans! Thursday Night Football! A tradition unlike any other. I'm pretty sure it's in the CBA.


Titans not bothering with throwing the ball or anything. Not sure Lewis would have scored on that whether he'd stepped out of bounds or not. Henry pushes through everyone for the touchdown. Kessler is starting again. Aikman notes it took him 12 starts to get his first win. Buck: "He's way ahead of you." Fournette back after his one-game suspension for being stupid. Ereck Flowers starts at left tackle, if you needed another symbol of how bad things have gotten. Titans continue to not make Marcus Mariota throw passes. Oh, here's one, a third-down completion to Taylor. Throw is too high for Tajae Sharpe and it's picked off. Subsequent punt is muffed, and it ends up as a safety as seven Jaguars pile on. That ball can't end up in the end zone. At worst, just fall on it the first moment you can.




Kessler to Westbrook for 22. Aikman isn't buying this illegal block penalty. Kessler sneak... doesn't get it? Weird. OK, so the Jags are going for it. Second sneak picks it up. Rollout doesn't work, as the pass is a little high but the fullback doesn't catch it. Fournette tries it on 4th and goal and... nah.




Titans take over. WHAT. Derrick Henry just gave us the new Beast Mode. 99 yards down the sideline, and throwing people around the whole way.





Extra point is missed because Thursday night. Casey sacks Kessler, forcing a punt. Jags use 16 seconds to go three-and-out. Good job, guys. Sharpe somehow catches this (did it hit the ground? Hmmm) and somehow stays in bounds and gets 18 yards, but it's being looked at. Call reversed to an incomplete pass. We got a 16-2 halftime score, people! You can tell Buck's not familiar with the Jaguars because he called this season something "nobody saw coming." I mean, you could see this coming when they extended a quarterback they won 10 games without needing. Taylor Lewan took a boot to the head on that Mariota scramble. Derrick Henry does. Not. Care. Touchdown. Kessler hits Cole for 35 at the expense of Malcom Butler, who's had a terrible season. Of course, the Jaguars fumble it away on the next play. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The NEXT PLAY? Derrick Henry has four touchdowns. 30-2.



Kessler overthrows Westbrook in the end zone on third down, tries again on fourth down... but it doesn't look like Westbrook got his left foot down inbounds. This is gonna count, as it was ruled a touchdown. That was a mercy ruling. The third quarter somehow just ended. Titans try passing into the end zone. They had to know THAT wouldn't work.



They play Jack Buck's radio call of Dorsett's 99-yard run because why not. I've punched out. (Titans 30, Jaguars 9)

Signal Finder: BAL @ KC, NYG @ WSH, CAR @ CLE (end), ATL @ GB (end), PHI @ DAL

I'm Sorry You Had To See That:



Yes, he won them both. Doesn't matter. That's a poor use of resources in low-leverage situations. And why was this FOX's big early game? These teams are going exactly nowhere. The most compelling matchup in the 1 p.m. slot is Panthers-Browns. (Packers 34, Falcons 20)

Lamar Jackson starting again, as Flacco practiced Friday but isn't ready to return. Ravens win the coin toss and defer, which seems like folly. Spencer Ware is now the starting running back. Kelce elevates to convert a third down. Hill down on one knee on the sideline, pointing to his wrist. Kelce gets another first down. Touchdown Damian Williams. Ravens on the move on their second drive. Imagine being named Gus in 2018. Touchdown Ravens. Butker misses? That's rare. Jackson forced into an incompletion under pressure. Field goal is good but you knew that. Hill back. He just picked up a 3rd and 19 by bouncing off a defender three yards short, spinning out, and diving across the line. Kelce catches an easy touchdown. Chiefs get the ball back and this ridiculousness happens:




Then Mahomes slings one past Suggs to Ware, who goes down hurt after the play. Field goal is good. 17-10 at halftime.




Yeah, I don't get that, either. Fortunately it didn't cost them. Jackson throws a wobbler to Willie Snead for a first down. Interesting spot on this Crabtree catch. I'm slightly surprised the Chiefs didn't challenge. Ravens really working the running game right now.




Touchdown Maxx Williams? Yes. Tie game. Mahomes throws a dangerous sidearm pass across the field to Kelce, gets away with it, but then the Chiefs take the penalty the Ravens committed and get a first down anyway. How did they not score? Wild. 3rd and 24. COOL. Big sack by the Ravens to force a three-and-out. Ravens return the punt 55 yards! Touchdown! Ravens lead! Great touch on that pass by Jackson and John Brown had an easy play on it. Two minute warning and the Chiefs are still on their side of the field. Screen to Ware gets stuffed. 4th and 4 and the Ravens call time out. The Chiefs false start. Wow! Mahomes throws across his body again and finds Hill peeling back towards the ball for 48 yards! How did C.J. Mosely end up on Hill? That's a terrible mismatch. Now 4th and 3 from the 5. Mahomes finds Williams for the touchdown! Extra point is GOOD and we're tied with 53 seconds left. Strip sack! Chiefs ball! Did anyone block Justin Houston? Didn't look like it. Field goal is... wide right! Overtime!




Chiefs win the toss. Mahomes goes to Hill back-to-back. Hill out of bounds at the Ravens' 12. Mahomes just drops the ball, but Eric Fisher falls on it. Field goal is good. Jackson throws a deep ball that was closer to being intercepted than caught. RGIII in as a receiver? Jackson rolls right and runs for six yards. Three minutes left. Offensive holding negates a Jackson run. Ravens officially killing themselves with penalties. 4th and 22. Yeah. (Chiefs 27, Ravens 24, OT)

No Beckham for the Giants. Fox has exactly one good matchup today and it's Eagles-Cowboys. Two drops on this first drive (including one where Sanchez stood in the face of a blitz) ends Washington's first attempt. SANCHIZE GONNA SANCHIZE. Throws a pick-six from his own 4-yard line. What in God's name was he looking at? Yeah, the ball was tipped but there were three Giants closer to that pass than Michael Floyd was. Eli hits Corey Coleman deep. First and goal. Eli loses 15 yards on a sack. Washington only brought four. That's how bad the Giants' offensive line still is. Rosas has had a good season. 10-0 Giants. BARKLEY. 17-0 Giants. Ogletree has three interceptions in two weeks.




No one even bothered covering Sterling Shepard. Touchdown Giants. Barkley again, this time to the Washington 6. Touchdown Giants. Another drop by Crowder. Sanchez has been bad today but he's gotten zero help. Evan Engram's back, and he picks up 30 yards on a catch and run that gets the Giants inside the 5. Shepard plays good defense to prevent an interception. Field goal is good and it's 34-0 at halftime. My God. And the Giants get the ball to start the second half? I'm not doing this.





Seriously. Contract these clowns. (Giants 40, Redskins 16)




OH MY GOD. Why is Gronk even out there instead of, say, someone with pursuit speed? There's no way Tannehill was even attempting a Hail Mary on one leg. I'm not sure he could throw it that far with three legs. Seeing Bill Belichick fuck up that thoroughly, especially in a situation he never gets wrong, is amazing.




Tannehill couldn't throw that ball 75 yards if he had three legs, let alone one. Also, Brady's now 7-10 in his career in Miami. (Dolphins 34, Patriots 33)

Oh, that's a fumble. Pederson eventually throws the challenge flag. Call STANDS? No clear recovery? Grugier-Hill GAVE the officials the ball! There wasn't a Cowboys player within three yards of the ball after it came out. That's a joke. Dak hits Sidney Jones in the back. Tate throws a block that helps Adams turn a loss into a 24-yard run. Gregory sacks Wentz, forcing a punt. Eagles hurting themselves with penalties here. Oh, hey, Bennett was offsides. That hasn't happened in a while. Field goal is... good? Good. Wentz juggles the snap and is lucky to be able to hand off to Clement for a three-yard loss. Clement going into the locker room and that doesn't look great. Aikman points out how bad the Eagles' tackling was in their first meeting. Intercepted! GET DOWN, RASUL. OK, fine. Third down option to the short side of the field? That's a bad play call and received the failure it deserved. Punt hits the scoreboard. Wait. Punt HITS THE SCOREBOARD? You can't give Cooper that much room. Second offensive holding penalty of this series against the Cowboys. Douglas has been the Eagles' best player so far today, yes. Another good stop. Maher MISSES from 45, and that would have been a much shorter attempt before the two holding penalties. Refs stop the clock after Kelce takes a shot to the head. Ertz gets out of bounds at midfield. Wentz fumbles and the Cowboys recover. Then they almost give it right back. I'm not entirely sure why the Cowboys are passing on 2nd and 1 with a timeout left. Holding on Tyron Smith takes them out of field goal range. This game has been terrible. Maher from 62. GOOD. 6-0 Cowboys at halftime. Kelce's back but Clement won't be. The Eagles should probably take a shot deep at some point. But it'll have to wait to the next drive. Jarwin makes a catch and gets inside the 5. Eagles... hold? Field goal is good. A touchdown probably would have ended it, but whatever.




Montage of Jeffery not being open at all today, then Wentz hits him for 10 and a first down. He then drops a third-down throw. Eagles punt on 4th and 3 and this team has no mojo. Interception! Dak overthrows Gallup badly and Corey Graham returns it to the 2. Touchdown Jeffery on a quick slant. Extra point is... missed? Yeesh. Looks like Elliott kicked it off the side of his foot? I dunno. Anyway, it's 9-6. Cowboys on the move with Elliott. Dak is sacked. Fumble! Eagles ball! Are we SURE? Yes! Hey, Brandon Graham actually did something. Sproles gets 24 on 4th and 3. Field goal is good. I'm gonna say this and it won't be popular, but that's a bad call on Elliott for leading with his helmet. He was being pushed down the entire time. Cooper beats Jones for a touchdown. Eagles go three-and-out and that's probably it. Bennett wrecks Elliott and the Cowboys get flagged for an illegal shift. Wentz to Jeffery, then to Goedert. Touchdown Goedert! Extra point is good and we're tied.




For one damn play until Cooper turns poor De'Andre Bausby to ash. Goedert? Touchdown gets called back for OPI, and nobody in the booth likes the call. Oh my GOD, that's atrocious. There are four people in this stadium having a good game.





Wentz then gets sacked, but he gets a roughing call. Wentz gets sacked AGAIN, but the Cowboys get called for illegal contact. AGHOLOR! Down to the 2! That's his first catch today, I think. Wentz loses two yards on a keeper. Wentz flips to Sproles, who spins away and scores! Should've happened a minute ago. Eagles move to kick the extra point, surprising both Buck and Aikman. It's good and we're tied. I maintain that no one may actually deserve to win this game. Holding on Corey Graham gives the Cowboys a first down. Refs out here just throwing flags at random now.




Bad snap costs the Cowboys five yards. 3rd and 12 now, and the Cowboys are out of time outs. Cox with a sack and we're going to overtime. Cowboys win the toss. Who are these randoms the Cowboys have at tight end? Another sack by Cox, and the Cowboys were holding. Don't you have to stay with Cooper no matter what? Elliott gets stopped on 3rd and 1 at the Eagles' 19. Cowboys going for it for some stupid reason. 4:01 left, incidentally. Second effort by Elliott... gets it. Why aren't the Eagles calling time out? Touchdown Cooper. Off a DEFLECTION.



You know how I'm always going on about how unfair it is that the Patriots always get every break on top of being better than everyone else and having no problem taking advantage of the rules to the point of breaking them? This game, for the Eagles, was the exact opposite of all of that. crosses off Eagles (Cowboys 29, Eagles 23, OT)



No we are not. Seriously. The Eagles and Steelers are now in the exact same situation: facing must-win games they will both 100 percent lose. (Raiders 24, Steelers 21)

Bears start with the ball. Trubisky overthrows Miller and Marcus Peters, who's had a rough year himself, picks it off. Legatron hits it and the Rams take an early lead. You almost can't tell what's going on with Jordan Howard anymore. Some weeks he's just not in the game plan. This doesn't look like one of them; I'm just saying. Parkey ties it at 3. That's... not a great punt. Roquan Smith with the pick. Surprising defensive struggle breaking out here. Bad throw by Goff. Sanchez-esque, even. Meanwhile, the Rams' DBs are flying around breaking up passes. Field goal is good. Goff's having a rough night — that one was almost picked, too. Fake punt pass works! Or does it? The refs say Everett was short. Rams challenge. This is close. Call reversed; first down Rams. That's the 21st fake punt Hekker's run. Drive stalls and maybe defense isn't dead. 52-yarder is good. Eagles-Rams next week is sponsored by the equally monumental disappointment that is the Venom movie. (Any attempt at a Venom movie without Spider-Man's involvement is, quite simply, fraudulent at its core.) Bears line up to go for it on 4th and 1 from their 46. BOTH teams then run 22 NEW PLAYERS back onto the field. The play clock stops and the Rams pull their players off and put their defense back in. Then the refs say the official on the near side was knocked down by the phalanx of players. Christ. What a disaster. Not one bit of that made logical sense. The Bears eventually punt. Matt Nagy is livid. Rams get two straight completions. They still end up punting. That Robey-Coleman interception was the end result of a series of bad decisions. Then a Goff Hail Mary is intercepted. Halftime. Safety! Eddie Goldman gets Goff in the end zone. 8-6 now. Collinsworth wondering why the Bears haven't attacked a recently-returned Aqib Talib. Robinson fights through a Talib attempted tackle for what is ruled a touchdown. I thought he was down, myself. He was out of bounds, actually. Bears bring Akeim Hicks in... but they fake it to him and throw it to offensive lineman Bradley Sowell for the touchdown! Did these teams switch playbooks?





Rams nearly fumble it away but recover after a few bounces. Replay of the touchdown. Cris: "If you have (Eddie Goldman and Bradley Sowell) on your fantasy team, you're a real bad fantasy player." Trubisky gets picked and this is a good return by Johnson. And Goff gives it back on the NEXT PLAY.



Bears-Rams highlights from 60 years, 37 days ago. Al was there — in his bassinet. Hey, a Todd Gurley sighting. He gets one yard for a first down. Rams starting to cook as Everett gets another first. Woods gets 22 on a crossing route. Rams have used two time outs in less than a minute. Collinsworth thinks they may have been up to some shenanigans but the play blew up. Legatron MISSES off the upright! Rams take over after the Bears fail to capitalize. Goff rolls out and takes it himself on third and short. Rams go on 4th and 4 with 4:34 left. SACK. That's it, man. (Bears 15, Rams 6)

Why, Seahawks? Why? No Doug Baldwin, who's out with a hip injury. That was... odd, Kirk. Wilson with a key third down scramble. Lockett! Field goal is good. Rashad Penny picks up 17 yards. Wilson overthrows Lockett, missing a touchdown. Now we got a donnybrook for no apparent reason. Now the Seahawks have to punt. The Vikings' offensive line is getting beaten up as badly as the Rams' was last night. This pass to Moore is... not a touchdown. Left foot wasn't down.



Wilson almost slips, runs around some more, and then throws an interception to Eric Kendricks to end the half. Once he slips, there's nothing he can do. He's gotta eat the sack. Witten was right about how it would have been much worse if Kendricks hadn't fallen down. (What's with the turf up there?) 3-0 Seahawks at halftime, and yet it should be so many other things.



I don't get that pass to the right tackle, either. Cousins is absolutely stinking up the joint. That's Thielen's first catch with 6:05 left in the third quarter. Cousins throws it short for Diggs, and Shaquil Griffin knocks Diggs even further back. 4th and 1 from the Seahawks 41. NOPE. Flag is against the Vikings. Nothing has gone right for them tonight. Turnover on downs.



Third quarter's over. Still 3-0. That pass interference penalty on Rhodes is the second-longest play of the night. Third down pass into the end zone is way too high. Field goal is good and that's a moral victory for the Vikings. DIGGS! That was 48 yards on a mismatch. Thielen stumbles through some bad tackles (Mychal Kendricks missing an easy tackle? Color me shocked.) and spins to the Seahawks' 5. Murray gets one yard, then Cousins throws it too far over the far corner, then Cook gets stonewalled. Witten and Booger disagree on what to do here (Witten says go for it, as the Vikings do, while Booger says kick it.) Pass is knocked away. Wow. This DOES back the Seahawks up at their own 2, and they fail to get out. Jet sweep to Thielen gets nine. Too bad Diggs held. Shaquill Griffin made two big plays on that drive to force incompletions. Bailey from 47. Partially blocked! Looks like Wagner got it. Jesus CHRIST, Vikings. WILSON! He even accelerated. That's 40 yards and this game may have just ended. Ciara celebrating in the box. Then it was all Chris Carson after that, ending with a touchdown. Seahawks going for two and Booger reads my mind: "I don't think there's any danger of Kirk Cousins scoring 14 tonight, guys." Sweep to Lockett gets it. About four game-time minutes after the fact, Triplette weighs in that Wagner should have been called for leverage on the blocked field goal, and the Vikings should have gotten a first down. Fumble! Touchdown Seahawks! This is officially a disaster. Hey, when's the last time three of the NFL's final four missed the playoffs the following year? Thielen with the big play they could have used two hours ago. Cook gets 17 yards on a screen and it's first and goal. That won't count. Cousins was over the line. Wait, what? That should not have counted. Oh, whatever. (Seahawks 21, Vikings 7)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. New Orleans (11-2) — That's more like it
2. L.A. Rams (11-2) — Got beat up in Chicago street fight
3. Kansas City (11-2) — Thrill a minute
4. Chicago (9-4) — Announcing their presence with authority

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-10) — Still so much to do
30. Jacksonville (4-9) — So much for the Cody Kessler era
31. San Francisco (3-10) — You're supposed to LOSE this game
32. Oakland (3-10) — You too


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Thursday, December 6, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Give What You Take

At least interfere in a way that prevents the catch, Eli Apple. Play action yields another big play to Gallup. Dak goes down and somehow cut his hand — you can see the blood as he walks off. Field goal is good. Kirkwood drops a first-down pass. Holding? OK. Saints bring five and get to Dak again. I thought Thomas caught this, and so does he, and he goes right to Payton and tells him to throw the flag. Call stands and the Saints have to punt. Gallup already has three catches. Holding on Apple is declined (it also did not work). Buck: "There's a reason he was available." There's Cooper for the first time tonight. Good play there to slide Elliott around his blockers on the screen pass. Another screen pass to Elliott results in a touchdown. That was almost too easy. Maybe Taysom Hill shouldn't return kickoffs anymore? Aikman wouldn't mind getting rid of kickoffs altogether if it'll stop the unending penalties on returns. It's been a long time since we've seen a Cowboys defense that's actually good.




Cooper makes the catch but he fumbles and the Saints recover. Ingram with a run to the 20. Now the Saints fumble a catch at the 5, but it's then called incomplete. Payton challenging this one, too, as Thomas ended up with the ball at the Cowboys' 7. They win the challenge, but that's their last one with more than 10 minutes left in the second quarter. Kamara gets stopped at the 2. Saints go for it. Not even CLOSE. Lawrence comes across the line and tackled Kamara from behind. One pass and the Cowboys are out of the hole. This play to Cooper gets them to the 40. Prescott makes three Saints miss on a first-down run. Another completion to Cooper. Two minute warning. Dak fumbles but gets it back. Field goal is good. The Saints average 37 a game and have nothing with 45 seconds left. And after that Brees fumble, it'll stay that way. 13-0 Cowboys at halftime and nobody saw that coming.




Field goal isn't really what the Saints wanted here. The Saints' defensive front is holding up its end. Cowboys using their inside pressure to disrupt passing lanes. That shot downfield draws a pass interference flag. Saints run on 3rd and short and get stopped AGAIN.


The punter gets roughed, giving the Saints a first down. Randy Gregory out here screwing up again. The Cowboys have committed four penalties on this drive, two of which gave the Saints first downs. Touchdown Kirkwood! In traffic, no less. Saints are back in it and they really shouldn't be. Garrett wanted offensive pass interference on Kirkwood on that touchdown pass, and Pereira thinks it should have been called. (Seriously, has Randy Gregory helped the Cowboys at all?) Saints force a punt as the fourth quarter begins. Saints fumble, but there's a penalty. Gregory was offside. No turnover.


Brees gets sacked on a corner blitz. That's a ...good punt? Nope, the officials rule that the Saints player's hand was on the goal line. Meanwhile, they completely missed a helmet-to-helmet hit by Jaylon Smith on Kamara on the third down play before that.


Dak runs through two tacklers and dives for the first down. Gallup had his man torched and the ball went right through his hands. That's not a first down, and if Payton had a challenge left, he could have won that one.




Elliott runs for another first down. Prescott gets roughed, giving the Cowboys another first down at the Saints' 11. 3:21 left. Dak is sacked AGAIN. Fumble! Saints ball! Flag was on La'el Collins for holding and Good God, that's obvious. Brees gets pressured up the middle again and throws an interception! Call stands. Cowboys throw into the end zone, have Cooper, but it's dropped. Interference? That was both guys, not that it matters. Imagine being outcoached by Jason Garrett. (Cowboys 13, Saints 10)

Signal Finder: CHI @ NYG, BAL @ ATL, MIN @ NE

It's really not that interesting that Kyle Lauletta's up for the first time this year, guys. It's really not. That kickoff was a disaster on both ends. Interception! Touchdown Giants! Ogletree practically picked it out of Chase Daniel's hands. Two strong series so far for the Giants' defense.
Hey, that's Jordan Howard's biggest play in six weeks. Two Giants get caught completely off guard and Shaheen is wide open in the end zone. Touchdown Bears. Can't let a linebacker end up on Beckham. Oh, Eli.




Oh, Chase. Ogletree again! I'd love to know how Amukamara got away with that. The Bears almost got to that punt. Jordan Howard back. See? Robinson! WHAT. Direct snap to Howard on third down and that doesn't work. I thought he fumbled it for a brief second. Bears going for it. Akiem Hicks in on offense. HE GETS THE BALL. TOUCHDOWN BEARS.




That's probably a drive-killing sack by Leonard Floyd. And Barkley almost salvaged that. Giants are going for it! They pick it up! Are they gonna try a field goal here? From 57? It's GOOD! 14-10 Bears at the half. BECKHAM. TO. RUSSELL. SHEPARD. The Giants have clearly stopped giving a damn about convention. Maybe they didn't need to draft a quarterback this year. Shepard was playing center field. Also, the more Eli throws, the better it is for the Bears. Unless they forget to cover Barkley on 3rd and 5. The Bears probably need to make a stand here. I don't know why you're not throwing into the end zone from the two-yard line. Giants going for it? Sure, why not? Their season ended weeks ago. Absolute defensive collapse by the Bears as Beckham has half of the end zone to himself. NO ONE had any idea where he was. Touchdown. Something that hasn't come up enough is how much pressure Daniel's been under today as he gets sacked again. Weird sequence where the Bears lose a touchdown when the whistle was improperly blown on that big pass play to Cohen (he wasn't touched), then Delay of Game should have been called on the next play, then Daniel's next pass somehow doesn't get intercepted and Josh Bellamy goes low to catch it. There's been some bad quarterbacking in this game. Field goal is good. 24-17 with 9:45 left. Giants get two first downs and it's starting to look bad. Is this grounding? Yeah, that's grounding. Barkley back in after apparently banging his elbow on something. Mack with a sack! That's just abuse. So much for the field goal try. Bears are pinned at their own 2. Fumble! Giants recover! Sean Chandler repping Camden High and Temple University. Giants kill much less time than it feels like, then kick a field goal to go up 10. Daniel gets hit as he throws and still finds Cohen down the sideline. Add a roughing penalty and it's suddenly first and goal. Bears don't take any chances and kick the field goal. Icing an onside kick? Really, Giants? Bears get it! Cohen with another catch. He's got over 100 receiving yards. Daniel takes another bad sack instead of throwing the ball away. That's the Bears' last time out. Cohen AGAIN! First and goal with 11 seconds left! Pass interference on the Giants in the end zone. Three seconds left. OH MY GOD. COHEN passes to Anthony Miller for the touchdown! Extra point is good and we have overtime. Jesus Christ, Giants. Giants win the toss. Barkley down the sideline for 29 yards. Eli almost had Sterling Shepard in the end zone but he couldn't quite hold on. Field goal is good. Bad snap leads to a sack. No clue how Robinson caught that. Fumble! Bears get it back. Rinse and repeat! That's the third time on this drive. Fourth down and 9. Daniel under pressure... and the pass is knocked away! Wow, that's a terrible loss for the Bears. Good thing this isn't college. (Giants 30, Bears 27, OT)

Nice catch, Julio. The sun's in Nantz and Romo's eyes, somehow. I know the roof's open, but still. Ryan overthrows Coleman, who'd beaten his man. Falcons take the field goal. Keeping an eye on Lamar Jackson. The guy knows how to move in the pocket... you can see that on this third down pass to Crabtree. Little dangerous throw, but it worked. Touchdown Jackson! The Ravens are also using Ty Montgomery in the backfield. Just noticed that. Falcons try a 4th and 1 from midfield. It... does not work. Ravens run a fake punt! It went far better than the one Georgia tried yesterday in the same building. (By the way, I'm impressed that they seem to have gotten the end zones repainted in time. That game ended close to 8 last night. They had maybe 14 hours.) Jackson fumbles! Vic Beasley picks it up! Touchdown Falcons! Jackson was the only one with even a remote chance of tackling him, and he was blocked out twice. Ryan throws that one too hard to Jones in double coverage. Neither team doing a lot offensively right now. Ravens get a field goal to tie it going into halftime.
Jackson keeps it and gets inside the 10 for first and goal. Field goal is good and the Ravens go back in front. Wait, what? Griffin's in for the Ravens? What did I miss?







You read that right. Field goal is good. The Falcons' offense has been dormant. Jackson back in. He's made some risky throws today. But this offense is getting just enough to set up Tucker for field goals. 19-10 now. Ryan is sacked and fumbles! Touchdown and that feels like it's it. Ryan with a scramble? Sure, why not. Ridley touchdown catch gets called back. This one will not. Two-point conversion fails. (Ravens 26, Falcons 16)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Jaguars 6, Colts 0

We were supposed to get bonus coverage of Cardinals-Packers but Bears-Giants went into overtime and we never got there. That's the first time the Cardinals have ever won in Lambeau Field? Seriously? How is that possible? They've been around for 100 years! They've moved twice and changed their name three times! Also, we can officially call this the end for Mike McCarthy. Three hours later I didn't mean NOW! Whoa. Not sure how much difference this'll make except for it'll give the Packers a head start. By the way, I think it's the opposite of disrespectful that they fired him today. I think they're respecting him and what he did win there by cutting him loose now and not letting him twist in the wind. (Cardinals 20, Packers 17)

We come in at the end of a 27-yard run by Dalvin Cook with the Patriots already up 7-0. Patriots sack Cousins. Where's the holder? Field goal is no good. Brady is forced out of the pocket and runs for a first down? Is that a career long? Trae Waynes got kneed in the head by his teammate, it looks like. Pats driving again. White picks up a first down, as he does. Incomplete. Brady furiously whining for a flag, as per usual. GO FOR IT. Field goal is good. (Cowards.) Another good run by Cook; another good run by Cook squandered. Gronk with his first catch. Vikings challenge the spot and... win? Sure, why not. Now they're resetting the game clock back from the two-minute warning, forcing the Patriots to run a play beforehand. Direct snap to White does not work. Rudolph goes up and makes a play for 23 yards. Diggs finds room over the middle for another first down. Touchdown Thielen, his first catch of the game as he gets behind the defense in the corner of the end zone. Was that a baseball rundown? And they let Thielen get away? White gets a free run to about the Vikings' 25 but time runs out. 10-7 Patriots at halftime. Brady grounds the ball and gets away with it. Thielen lays out but can't make that catch. Patriots take over. Hogan makes a catch on 4th and 1 and just powers past the first down marker. Pats' offensive linemen keep getting caught holding. There'll be no field goal try after that.




Patriots are about to lose this challenge on this Rudolph catch. Yep. Field goal is good and we're tied. Brady hits Gronk over the middle for 15. White does some more White things. Touchdown Josh Gordon. Vikings do nothing on their next drive. That's a good punt return and the Pats will start at midfield. Pass interference? Fine, fine. Touchdown Develin. That holding penalty on Riley Rieff may have cost the Vikings their best shot at getting back into this. Why throw a four-yard route on 4th and 11 down by 14 points? Especially to Laquon Treadwell, whose career is sure to be rehabbed by the Patriots in three years? Brady finished this game with 1,000 career rushing yards, which is shockingly high. (Patriots 24, Vikings 10)

Well, it seems that Kareem Hunt failed to learn the lesson Jay-Z taught us all in that elevator with Beyonce's sister. And listen: We had jokes. We had a lot of jokes. But in the end, Hov did the right thing. Because he knew what he could have lost if he didn't. And I'll point out again: as much as the NFL dropped the ball on looking into this at the time, they still came down harder on Hunt than out legal system did. (Chiefs 40, Raiders 33)




I'm not sure which part of this is more impressive. (Seahawks 43, 49ers 16)

FLEXING. Wait, since when is Mike Pouncey a Charger? Also we have T.J. Watt vs. Derek Watt.




Chargers start with the ball. Keenan Allen down the middle. Another new kicker. Al says he's "stabilized" the position, then he proceeds to miss from 52. I'd have just signed Zlatan at this point. He can't be any worse. Ben goes deep and hits Brown at the 1. Conner punches it in. The Eli-Rivers trade is revisited. Switzer draws a pass interference penalty in the end zone. This time Conner needs two tries to score. Extra point is missed. Is it raining? No Melvin Gordon this week for the Chargers, as he has an MCL injury that's somehow not a tear. Touchdown Travis Benjamin. That was a pretty blatant false start on that play. Ben gets intercepted by Derwin James. Who's Defensive Rookie of the Year? Him or Denzel Ward? Illegal block on the return but it stands. Al and Cris compare him to Kam Chancellor. Steelers block the punt! Terry McAuley slips up and says "San Diego." Ben barely misses a wide-open Justin Hunter. Field goal is good. Chargers probably should have gotten a pass interference flag on that third down pass to Ekeler. Cris legitimately wonders why Derek Watt isn't D.J., since his middle name is Joseph. Juju with a big catch that he actually caught. Review of this Brown catch and I don't think it'll stand. James knocked him out of bounds before he could get his left foot down. Chargers get hit with defensive pass interference. Touchdown Brown! That pass was a howitzer and Brown outran double coverage. 23-7 Steelers at halftime. Keenan Allen time. Mike Williams for 20 at midfield. Somehow, that's touchdown Chargers and not an interception/touchback for the Steelers. That throw was right into double coverage and Allen caught it off the bounce. Chargers go for two and get it with Gates. Chargers finally get a sack. 3rd and 29? Cool. PUNT RETURN TOUCHDOWN. The Steelers' long snapper is walking off hurt, and that's important, too. Chargers go for two. Rivers gets rushed but still gets it to Allen. Tie game! Rivers family graphic. Which one's his wife? He still lives in San Diego and commutes every day. What. That's the Chargers' longest run of the night. Touchdown Justin Jackson, whoever HE is. Chargers... lead? Yeah. I don't believe it, either. Juju with a diving catch that I think leaves him short on 3rd and 10. They measure and he's short by about a ball length. Easy call to go for it, but Tomlin challenges first. Call stands. Conner dives and picks it up. Switzer gets absolutely pasted (helmet-to-helmet, which gets flagged) but holds on for the catch. So what's this? Not a fumble, I can tell you that. Touchdown... Samuels? He almost dropped it. PAT is good and we're tied again. Forty-five minute commute my ass. I've never been out of the Eastern time zone and I know that's not true. OK, now I'm seeing 90 minutes. I still don't buy it. Chargers can slow down here with all three time outs left. Another run by Jackson.




Chargers should be playing for seven here, really. Steelers force Ekeler out of bounds, stopping the clock. Watch that. Allen picks up 3rd and 4. Kick is up... no good! Steelers were offside! Badgley on again, this time from 34. BLOCKED! But they left early AGAIN! Dear God. Let's try this AGAIN. This one's GOOD! Even after the Steelers jump offfside a THIRD time. Christ.




(Chargers 33, Steelers 30)

Eagles get the ball first. Jeffery fights off two defenders and gets six on 3rd and 4. Wentz eludes pressure and somehow hits Tate in stride for 22 before Tate fumbles out of bounds. Eagles having trouble holding on to the ball, as Adams and Clement lose it on consecutive runs. Touchdown Tate and I have no idea how he caught it. Also, the Eagles scored on their opening drive? It's a Festivus MIRACLE! Odds are against AD breaking out tonight — the Eagles have historically bottled him up fairly well. Doctson gets into Eagles territory off of play action. Pass interference on LeBlanc gives Washington a first down on 3rd and 11. This is Jonathan Cooper's, like, sixth team, isn't it? First quarter ends with McCoy taking a sack after being flushed out of the pocket. 3rd and 20. 3rd and 30 after a penalty. Field goal is good. Defensive holding on a sack? Good job, D.J. Swearinger! That's not OPI. Wait, what happened to McCoy?




Scratch what I said about Peterson earlier. Ninety yards is a career long? Really? Wentz to Agholor for 39. Ertz gets to the 2. False start pushes the Eagles back, and Agholor gets stopped at the 1. No Ertz? Sneak, probably. Adams gets crushed, loses three yards and the Eagles end up with nothing. Sanchez throws to no one. He's now thrown a pass for the Eagles, Cowboys and Redskins. Not a terrible return by Sproles. Clement making moves. Sproles! Touchdown! That's good work by Kelce to hold that lead block on the linebacker. Bad tackling on that Reed catch and Washington's in Eagles territory. Then Sanchez to Crowder for 11.




Sanchez taking a shot deep? Out of Doctson's reach. Then he's hit as he throws and it's almost what happened last week. Hopkins good from 47. McCoy update: He broke his leg and he's out for the year. Jesus. Very quick 3 and out to start the second half. This is Tate's best game as an Eagle. And that drive ends with Wentz underthrowing Jeffery and Josh Norman picking him off. That was Sanchezesque. Second-string right guard goes off for Washington. They show the clip of Witten losing his helmet in 2007. They're not even trying to pick up these third and longs.




Nice run by Adams. The Eagles' rushing attack features two local guys who were undrafted free agents.




Grats, Zach. Jeffery picks up 3rd and 5. The Eagles' screens have been on point tonight. Doug got those from Andy.




Slant to Jordan Matthews for the touchdown! Eagles go for two up seven. Tate picks it off the turf and the conversion's good. Tessitore and Witten bring in Lisa Salters to handle the inevitable Reuben Foster discussion. I'm not sure who Washington talked to. It sure wasn't the Tampa police.




Witten (who's done work for domestic violence survivors, and whose mother is one) comes out ALL THE WAY against it. Which is odd because he was supportive of the Cowboys bringing in Greg Hardy when he was still playing. During the discussion, Sanchez gets blitzed by Sidney Jones and Nathan Gerry picks it off.




Flea-flicker is incomplete. Field goal is good. 25-13 with 11:41 left. Pitchy-pitchy woo-woo at the 11-minute mark? That's the work of a desperate man. Not sure why they're punting — they're done if they lose this game. Time of possession is almost double for the Eagles. Elliott makes it 28-13. Why yes, Fletcher Cox IS still underrated. Talk then turns to Aaron Donald, who's having an unreal season. Offensive holding on a sack. LOVE IT. Peters off injured again. An underreported thing with the Eagles is that they need to find his successor in the offseason, because I'm not sure he's on the roster right now. crosses off Redskins (Eagles 28, Redskins 13)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. L.A. Rams (11-1) — Kings in L.A., but not of it
2. New Orleans (10-2) — Seriously, what happened here?
3. Kansas City (10-2) — So now what?
4. Houston (9-3) — That's nine in a row now

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (4-8) — So much for the Cody Kessler era
30. N.Y. Jets (3-9) — Get a roster, then we'll talk
31. San Francisco (2-10) — Pete Carroll's war against the West Bay continues
32. Oakland (2-10) — At least you tried

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