Thursday, September 6, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Absolute Madmen

Philadelphia is ALL OVER this pregame. From the Eagles coming out to a Meek Mill song, to Leslie Odom Jr. singing American the Beautiful, to Pink singing the anthem (Over/under: 2:14).




ANTHEM TIMER: 1:55! That was a damn sprint. Is that some kind of record?

Well, I guess we gotta do this.




Patriots win the toss and defer. Everything is terrible. Three straight completions from Foles to start. First run is by Blount and he gets put in a sleeper hold. Smith goes up to pick up a 3rd and 12. Al sort of recapping the Jay Ajayi situation in Miami. Screen to Clement gets them inside the 10. False start? Not great. Eric Rowe breaks up a corner fade to Jeffery on 3rd down and Elliott comes in. Kick is good. Spoon's "The Underdog" goes into commercial.







What the hell, Sprint. About time we got a Solo trailer.

No tape on Brady's hand. He catches the Eagles with 12 men on the field. Brady to Chris Hogan for 28. Eagles getting no pressure and Brady's picking them apart. Mills saves them with a breakup of a pass that was behind Gronk. Gostkowski makes it and we're tied.

LOL ETRADE.

Run-pass options explained to an Hall & Oates song. TOUCHDOWN JEFFERY! Great catch over Eric Rowe. Once again, this is too short for Elliott. Mills beaten again. Cooks tries to hurdle McLeod and fails spectacularly, Field goal is SPECTACULARLY missed. Oh, that's a very bad hold after a not-great snap. No one was anywhere near Amendola. Scary. Cooks gets cracked by Jenkins. No flag, as he was a runner. He's heading off, and that's  big loss for the Patriots. Double reverse pass? TO BRADY? He can't hold it. Gisele was right. Who knew?





Jeffrey can't pull in an airmailed throw from Foles, but makes up for it with a sweet over-the-shoulder catch. Ertz with a big gain over the middle. Blount! TOUCHDOWN. They're going for two? I don't like it. Foles can't connect with Jeffery and it's still 15-3. Mike Trout in the house. Rex Burkhead makes an appearance and catches a pass for a large gain. Corey Graham getting a lot of run here. Brady starting to get knocked around a little. Was that a shot put? Gostkowski good from 45.


Heck of a time to lose the signal. We come back and learn that Cooks will not return. Ajayi's so good after getting hit. Then Foles makes his first big mistake — throwing to Jeffery in tight coverage (by Gilmore, finally), it's tipped and the Patriots intercept it. At least they're pinned deep. Gronk not a factor so far. Holding on Mills gives the Pats another first down. Brady loading up... and he hits Hogan on a deep ball. Bad tackling helps James White score.




Gostkowski SHANKS the extra point. He just botched that one, man.




So that was all a setup for an Australia tourism ad? Well played, mates.

Clement! CLEMENT. 55 yards for the kid. Already over 600 combined yards and it's not even halftime (and you'd think there'd be more points with that kind of yardage). Then he gets an inside run and just churns for an extra four yards. Jeffery trying to sell it but no one's buying. Pederson at least thinking about going for it here. They call time out and Foles goes back out there. Blount is NOT in, for the record. Burton takes the second handoff from Clement and passes... TO FOLES! TOUCHDOWN!! THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN. That is unreal.











Burton went to Florida as a quarterback, got moved to receiver, and became a tight end in the pros. I guess you don't forget how to do that. 22-12 Eagles at halftime.

Watching the replay on the highlights afterwards, Foles may not have gotten enough credit. He sneaks away from the center just before the snap (it went right to Clement), tucks in behind Lane Johnson as if he's calling an audible, waits to release, gets wide open when he does release, and look at the form on that catch! Just tucked it in. Insanity.

This sure isn't Gaga's entrance. How you gonna show up on a ramp with four other dudes who aren't the rest of N'Sync?




ALSO, the leader of this backing band was born in Trenton and grew up in Willingboro. "Sexy Back" third, which seems right.




It's SO. BAD.




So no Prince hologram... but they project him onto a sheet while Justin's at the piano covering "I Would Die 4 U." That external shot with the stadium roof and then the surrounding area turning purple was AWESOME.




The rest of it was... not great.

Jim Halpert IS Jack Ryan. Could we have gotten one line out of him? Kelly Clarkson's joining The Voice? TRAITOR!

Downingtown:




Michele reports that Malcolm Butler isn't playing because of "best chance to win" boilerplate. To be fair, Butler hasn't been good this year. There's Gronk. And again. And AGAIN. And again for the touchdown.

Why is Tide everywhere?

Collinsworth: "We've had more passes thrown to quarterbacks than punts." Agholor was wrapped up, but he escapes and gets a first down. Ajayi keeps his feet and crosses midfield. Swing pass to Ertz gets another first down.




The Pistons, Al? Hell of a career move. Foles hits Clement down the seam for what is called a touchdown after a brief convo. I'm not convinced.





Call STANDS. Collinsworth doesn't buy it.







Why is Steven Tyler on a race track on the moon? And now driving backwards on said race track? Oh, it's a DeLorean disguised as a Kia.

Brady doing whatever he wants in the passing game. There's been no pass rush at all from either team. This could get to the 40s. Brady with 403 passing yards and we're still in the third quarter. 29-26. Celebrity crawl: Mayweather, Jimmy Fallon (who has a show to do in about four hours), Bradley Cooper (of course.)

Mechanicsburg:




Another excellent throw by Foles to Agholor for 24. Seems like a lot of the Eagles' runs have been to the right side even before Wisniewski went out (he's now back in). Another reverse to Agholor. 955 total yards ALREADY. Third quarter over.

"Dirty Dancing" by Eli and OBJ. When did Beckham have time to rehearse that? Didn't his foot fall off?





Agholor gets drilled and the Eagles have to settle for three. Elliott kick is good. Monster's making headphones now? Brady tearing the Eagles' defense apart. And there's Gronk in the back of the end zone. They were painting the hashmarks over those logos like an hour and a half before kickoff, which is about where the extra points are kicked from. It's good and the Patriots take the lead.





Alexa spot with Gordon Ramsay, Cardi B (twice) and Rebel Wilson ends with Anthony Hopkins feeding Goldfish crackers to a peacock while doing a Hannibal Lecter impression. Yes, you read that right.

VERY IMPORTANT 3rd and 6 here. Ertz picks it up. Third and 1 now. Screen to Smith (after the Pats blew up the run lanes) comes up short. The Eagles go for it on 4th and 1 from their own 46 — as they should — and Ertz jumps up to get the first down. Seriously, you can't punt it there. Not against those guys.




Peyton shilling for Universal Studios. "Megatron? I thought he played for Detroit."

Foles is throwing DIMES tonight. And Agholor's having a big game. Al and Cris talking about time becoming a factor.





WE STAN A WOMAN SCORNED. (Did I do that right?) 2:30 left. (After the game, Steve Young pointed out (correctly) that with 2:03 left, the Eagles should have thrown on 2nd down here.) Foles hits Ertz over the middle and he goes into the end zone. What are we looking for here? Did the ball pop up after he rolled over or did the ground cause it? Is he a runner or still a receiver at this point?









Cris: "I cannot wait for them to change this rule." (Narrator: "He was waiting a long time.") He's a runner! Touchdown! Thank you for explaining that. Julie sighing with relief in the cheap seats. "Cheap", of course, being relative.





Also, this is too much time. Two-point conversion is unsuccessful again.




SACK! FUMBLE!! EAGLES BALL!!! Brandon Graham knocked it out! That's that formation where the Eagles slide Graham or Curry inside. Patriots use their last time out, which is huge.




Third down run gets stuffed. Eagles should run the clock down and kick it here. Elliott from 46. GOOD. The Patriots take the kickoff, and they try to reverse it and get stuck at the 9-yard line.




Two straight incompletions. Finally pressure's coming. 4th and 10. Caught by Amendola inches off the turf. Brady spikes it with 26 seconds left.




He finds Gronk twice and the big man gets out of bounds twice. Darby almost had a pick, and why are they throwing a 9-yard out to Philip Dorsett here? 1152 total yards. Hail Mary.

Incomplete.

THAT'S IT.







I don't know what to do with my hands.









Millville:













Now we go to this weird procession they've started doing with the Lombardi. Darrell Green's doing it? Way to troll R's fans, guys. I approve. Lurie was GOING to get that dedication in.




Delran:



Stafford Township, N.J.:







It wasn't supposed to be this year. It wasn't supposed to be this team. It certainly wasn't supposed to be this quarterback. I'm sitting here trying to remember how I thought I would feel if this ever happened. I can't. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm sitting here in shock.

Fly on, Birds.

(Eagles 41, Patriots 33)
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