Thursday, September 28, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Bouncing Bad

THIS! IS! THURSDAY! NIGHT! FOOTBALL. And like I said last week, this game's probably gonna suuuuuuck.


Heh. "Feels like." Texans out here with no real tight ends tonight. Joe Mixon just worked J.J. Watt. Dalton overthrows LaFell, who would have dropped it anyway. Crowd BOOS. Texans starting to chip away with some yards here. Geno Atkins waited a second and a half and just owned everybody on that sack. AND WATSON GETS THEM RIGHT BACK. Touchdown Texans! Collinsworth: "That's the undefined." Even the defensive players are giving him love. Eifert getting yards. Good two-minute drill by the Bengals now — it's like the Watson touchdown woke everybody up. Not the best throw into a double-covered Green. Bengals settle for three. Oh, it's Watson's birthday? Nice.
Was he inbounds? Oh, he was. Nobody was quite sure. Man, Collinsworth has Jeremy Hill's bags packed. (And he's not wrong to do so.) Big stop by the Texans here. Bengals going for it on fourth and 2 from the 19. Hill over the top! FUMBLE? No, down by contact. Touchdo- er, no. Official's hat means he stepped out of bounds first and he probably knew it. Bengals settle for three again. 10-9. At least they have points this week. This thing Watt pulled off was amazing, and Collinsworth is right: Watt locked up the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award before the season started. It took Cody Bellinger longer to win NL Rookie of the Year. Big gain by Eifert. Oh, wait, a costly drop by Brandon Lafell? That's never happened before.


Massive blitz by the Bengals stuffs the Texans down here. Shane Lechler's still a beast. Adam Jones commits a touchdown-saving penalty because he was BEAT. He and Hopkins have been scrapping all night, and Jones got Hopkins finally. OPI's gone from one per week to one per game, it seems. Is Watson gonna get this one, too? Nope, but they're definitely in field goal range now.


Kick is good. Who moved first? Refs stay Bengals. Fourth and 9. NOPE. Trickeration! And Watt straight up kills the Bengals' center. And the Bengals still don't have any home touchdowns. (Texans 13, Bengals 9)

Signal Finder: PHI @ KC, OTT @ MTL, NYJ @ OAK, AZ @ IND (end), DAL @ DEN, WSH @ LAR

Reid with extra time to prepare is frightening. It's jarring to see Alex Smith going down the field. This drive looked like it was sure to end in seven. Jesus, Fox. At least put the logos in the go-to-commercial score box. Just green and red squares. BORING. Eagles also start quickly. Smith slipped or he probably scores. Great route, also. We've already seen more of Jeffery than we did all last week. Oh, right, no Eric Berry for the Chiefs. Didn't the Chiefs' drive end the same way? Sure did. Welcome to the show, Jake Elliott. 3-3. Also also, this is either the first or second Kelce brothers' meeting in the NFL.


The Hill catch and then the Hunt catch in traffic. Game of inches, man. Smith just overthrew a sure Hill touchdown. McLeod's hurt? That's... potentially bad. Rookie CB Douglas on Hill now and he greets him with a solid tackle.


Torrey Smith's gotta start catching those. Dee Ford with another sack.


Charles Davis with an interesting hypothesis that the Chiefs were worried about the hits Alex Smith has taken (and he's taken a few). Basically saying that the Chiefs wouldn't have thrown on third down if they thought he was hurt. Really, both defenses have been better than the offenses so far. NO SPROLES FUMBLED THE PUNT. Chiefs ball. Another Eagles sack. They hold the Chiefs to a field goal. A run? OK, Doug. Ertz catches it off the bounce! They're in field goal range! But he misses. That's why the Bengals cut him. 6-3 Chiefs at the half. Torrey caught that one. The Chiefs fans want a flag on Jernigan's tackle on Hunt but they're not gonna get one. Alex may not survive this. Hey, the Eagles ran the ball! Um, that's a touchdown?  Pederson challenging this Jeffrey catch.


That's a touchdown. Extra point is good.


DeAnthony Thomas just made a mistake. Alex Smith takes it himself and I guess he's feeling better. Hunt just blew up. Elliott ties it from 40. That tipped interception was the second tipped pass in a row. Oh, that was off the guy's helmet? Sheesh. Alex Smith somehow escapes another sack and gets a first down. Jesus. Travis Kelce has jumped over three guys on this drive, including two to score that touchdown.


They've found Hunt this second half. He posted up to get that last touchdown and that feels like it. Bennie Logan with the sack and that might be it. Or not. Touchdown Agholor but it's too late. OR IS IT? ONSIDE KICK RECOVERED. Hang on, people. Great play by Trey Burton. Gota be a Hail Mary here, no? It's up... and nada. (Chiefs 27, Eagles 20)

Me, last week: "Brady could go for 600." Well, 447. That's still a beatdown. (Patriots 36, Saints 20)

Ryan Lindley? THAT Ryan Lindley? Things are dire in Canada. TSN/ESPN2 has apparently lost its video feed here. This dude just took a missed field goal 112 yards for a touchdown. Montreal's benched its quarterback. Was that former Rutgers and Guy The Patriots Cut Super Bowl Week wide receiver Tiquan Underwood on that two-point conversion? Hm. (Redblacks 29, Alouettes 11)

Remember overtime is down to 10 minutes. HONEY BADGER INTERCEPTION. Can't throw that pass, Brissett. So Phil Dawson got got by the kicker-freeze time out earlier? Also, Phil Dawson's the Cardinals' new kicker because the kid they had last year stunk. Got this one. (Cardinals 16, Colts 13, OT)

Jared Cook's a Raider? Oh. Touchdown Crabtree. Jets doing nothing of note. Lynch's backup with a big run here. Touchdown Crabtree. That's a terrible unnecessary roughness call on Irvin. Del Rio's still mad and he should be. I recognize no one on this Jets offense. Wait, that's not true... I Know who Jermaine Kearse is. Touchdown Jets. Muffed punt! Raiders ball! Oh, Jets. Lynch three times and it finally works. Richard with another long run and this time he hits paydirt. 35-13. TANKING. Is CBS just showing random pictures of kids now? Oh, it's Fouts. OK. (Raiders 45, Jets 20)





That's two weeks in a row this kid's missed a field goal at the end. (Dolphins 19, Chargers 17)



Is Buck trying to get "Glad you're with us" over? See, I know I'm going on about this again, but the Cowboys and Broncos in the score bug are the SAME COLOR. Reminder: The Cowboys' defense still isn't great, or even good. Sanders with two good catches on that drive, including the touchdown. Is that rain?McManus misses? Huh. "Inclement weather?" I guess that was rain, and there was a lightning strike or something. Look at Pereira breaking down the weather delay situation. Bonus coverage?

Yep. Washington-L.A. The Coliseum is huge and the StubHub Center is so TINY. Washngton already running the ball better than last week. Hey, Aaron Donald showed up! And he almost took that pitch for himself but Thompson got it and scored. Remember when the Rams' defense was good? What's going on right now? Big play from Goff to Everett. Touchdown Gurley? Touchdown Gurley.
Someone else hurt for Washington? (Redskins 27, Rams 20)




We back. Prescott takes an awkward tackle and the Cowboys will punt. Siemien sacked and fumbles! This isn't a touchdown. Or is it? If they're saying the first guy didn't have possession when he went down, then it would be a touchdown. But it's not. Dez cashes in. Wait, that's the second time Nolan Carroll's been hit in the head by a teammate? A shame Fowler couldn't haul that in. We got a leverage call against the Cowboys here? Yeah, that's against the rules. So the field goal comes off and it's a first down. Anderson put a sick fake on Heath and got open for that touchdown pass. Oh, man, this is the Broncos' first-rounder? Rough. Is... is that Siemian's fourth touchdown pass? This Cowboys defense is BAD.  This Broncos defense, meanwhile, is GOOD. Elliott's done nothing today. Dez has to catch that, but Harris does and that's a turnover. Touchdown Anderson.


Buck: "We have our first Riley Dixon sighting. He's the punter for the Broncos." Later, the Cowboys punt on 4th and 3 down 18 with 11:45 left.


Aqib Talib with a pick-six. People are going to take all the wrong lessons from this game. I can see it now. (Broncos 42, Cowboys 17)


Let's open this roof.


The other big feature here is this ring scoreboard/video board that circles the stadium, the one with Samuel L. Jackson currently talking on it. Was Austin Hooper stoned for his intro shoot? This Packers secondary may not have a chance against Julio Jones. Touchdown Freeman on a dive. Wait, was that...


The Packers are missing both regular tackles, it seems. Handoff to Cobb. Rodgers to Rodgers as the tackles get some help. Montgomery somehow ended up completely uncovered and takes it inside the 5. Touchdown! Even Eric Weems is getting in on the act. That's frightening if you're a defense. OK, so Clay and Jake are cousins. I can never keep all those guys straight. Touchdown Freeman.



"Our House" by Madness into the break. DJ is killing it tonight. Tevin Coleman is fast. 17-7 Falcons. Do all the Falcons linebackers wear numbers in the 40s? Did Adams just lose track of that one, or...?
Trufant picked that off? It looked like it was 100 percent going through his hands. Wait, I missed Nelson getting hurt? Falcons in good shape. And now in great shape. Touchdown Coleman and it's 24-7. The unsportsmanlike conduct penalty applies to coaches, too? GET TOSSED, MIKE.


That said, seeing the replay of the pick call on Bennett, he's right to be upset. So what's this? They call it a backward pass, which makes this a Falcons touchdown. And if it were a lateral, it would still be a touchdown. That is RIGHT down the line. Call stands.


Gotta secure that ball, Montgomery. Oh no, Geronimo. That was a touchdown. Seriously, McCarthy? Taking the field goal early in the third down 24? Oh, NOW you go for it. SURE.
Adams rolls into the end zone possibly. Yeah, that looks good. Now, do you go for two here if this is a touchdown? It is, they go for two, and they... don't get it. Now nobody seems to be playing with any real urgency. Adams fights for the end zone buy doesn't get there. Touchdown and suddenly it's an 11-point game. Hmmmm.


RUN THE BALL, FALCONS. Good job. You can throw it if you throw it to your best guy who can catch it. That guy, of course, being Julio Jones. Oh, that's right, Steve Sarkisian somehow ended up with the Falcons. Just burn the clock. Just burn the clock. OK, I think we're out of the woods. (Falcons 34, Packers 23)

That's a bad throw by Eli that deserved to be intercepted. Yeesh. Also, this O-line is still bad. SPECIAL TEAMS. I feel like the Lions are historically a bad road team, so this was probably good. (Lions 24, Giants 10)

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