Thursday, September 21, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Under The Wheels

And we kick this sucker off with the only good Thursday Night game we'll have this year. And even I'm not sure how good this one's going to be. With no Spencer Ware for the Chiefs, who's next? A rookie named Kareem Hunt, who fumbles? Ouch. He never lost a fumble in college? That's impressive and also doesn't explain this. Mile Gillislee already paying dividends.



That's a perfect pass by Smith to Hunt and the Chiefs... lead? Alex Smith out here doing his best John Elway impression. Also, the Patriots suddenly can't do anything.

You know it's serious business when Musberger's getting loud. This isn't the first unexpected beating the Chiefs have put on the Patriots, either.


"On to New Orleans." NEW ORLEANS? Dear God, Brady could go for 550. (Chiefs 42, Patriots 27)

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, IND @ LAR, AZ @ DET (end), SEA @ GB






BECAUSE THEY'RE TANKING. (Bills 21, Jets 12)

That was... unwise. Man, that new Fox score bug is boring. I'm convinced that these teams aren't that far apart, and that the Eagles have been on the bad end of matchup problems more than anything else. Pryor lost that ball in the sun or something, yeah. Bradham damn near had that picked. Should have caught it.


Man, both teams airing it out on the first play. Norman almost intercepted THAT.


Place is LOUD. Nice elusiveness by Wentz. Agholor! TOUCHDOWN! Wow.


That's a good screen from Cousins to Grant. FUMBLE. Looks like Cox knocked it out. Agholor suddenly looks like an NFL player. I don't know what happened. What was THAT? Washington ball after what might have been the start of a WR pass? Maybe? Wentz threw it high and Agholor couldn't corral it. Pryor struggling with tracking deep balls so far. Also, Cousins has been long on quite a few of these throws. Who is #41? Oh, it's Darby. I thought he was #35? Fine. Who jumps to field a punt? Washington having trouble catching the ball all around. Eagles get it back after a three-and-out. Why is Wentz elusive? Fun fact: Zach Ertz led the Eagles in catches last season. Wentz has lofted a few throws, too. Wouldn't expect Blount to be the guy to catch that pass but touchdown Eagles. OOPS. Wait, did they not go to commercial after the extra point or was it just so fast that I missed it? Darby's hurt? Uh-oh.


Reed did not make it. Did he slip on the way back? No, he just kicked up some dirt. That's a good punt. Hey, an Alshon Jeffrey sighting! We're only halfway through the second quarter. Kerrigan with a pick-six on what looked like a bad throw by Wentz. It was tipped? Hmm. Did they just change that penalty? I don't remember the last time I've seen that. Wait, Fox hired Blandino, too? Neither offensive line has covered itself in glory so far. Seems like Chris Thompson always hurts the Eagles — that was three missed tackles on that touchdown. I'm also not a fan of the time out indicators below the team names looking like the possession bar. Peters has a groin injury? That's a point of concern. Big V's brothers are named Kevin and Will? Who'd he piss off? What are they looking at? Oh, that's probably a catch. I can't say for sure it's not. Call stands. Sturgis from 50... GOOD. 16-14 Eagles at the half. Smith finds an opening for his first catch as an Eagle. Junior Galette lives?!? Rather take the five yards than burn a time out this early. That fooled no one. Field goal good. Jernigan with the sack. Another sack gets... negated by holding? Bad job, guys. Pryor caught a pass finally! Cousins has been their best runner on this drive. Then Long whiffs on a sack and the drive continues. Nice tip by Jalen Mills, which may be the first actual good play of his career.


This should be grounding. There it is. What took so long? Jeffrey almost caught that, and that's his specialty. He probably hangs on if it's single coverage. That's a bad penalty. Interception Mills! And Washington won't get anything out of this. Smallwood caught that? Oh. We've had a LOT of misses on deep passes in this game. Ertz just saved Wentz. What was with that screen pass? The Eagles didn't score, but they took five minutes off the clock and pinned Washington at the 1. Did they really throw three straight passes from their own 1? And I just complained about the Eagles' play calling. OK then. It's weird that the Eagles have runts much play action without running the ball so much, and Jeffrey was pretty open there. Going for it here? OK. I'd move Blount up a couple yards — he's constantly seven yards behind the line of scrimmage. Ah, Pederson changed his mind. Kick is good, 22-17. All right, Cousins. Fumble? FUMBLE! BIG MAN RUMBLING. This... might be an incompletion, actually. OHHHHH. That surprised ME.


The Eagles will certainly take it, though. Eagles fans doing some traveling.


FINALLY they beat those guys. (Eagles 30, Redskins 17)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Especially considering how it started:


(Steelers 21, Browns 18)



Also, is Watt already hurt? Jesus.




WATSON'S IN. The under wins handily. Somehow, the Texans didn't. (Jaguars 29, Texans 7)

That's a truly terrible interception, Matt Stafford. Good bounce back, though. Pick-six? OK. Boy, did this flip in our absence. (Lions 35, Cardinals 23)

Is it a problem when your No. 2 announce team is better than both your own and your primary broadcast partner's No. 1 teams? (And I like Buck and Aikman more than most.)


Wait, the Rams brought in both former Bills starting WRs? Scott Tolzien starts for the Colts. And that's an inauspicious beginning. Terrible underthrow.


Wait again... neither of these guys has won a start? The Colts have an undrafted rookie free agent starting at center, too. Is Aaron Donald still holding out? I don't see him out there. (Ed: He was.) You know who's still good is Frank Gore. That's not a touchdown? I might have challenged that. Two Colts receivers collide and Trumaine Johnson (who had the pick-six earlier) drops another one. Colts settle for three. Eagle: "Goff just filled the Kupp." Don't do this, Iain. Touchdown Todd Gurley. Did he score any last year? Listen to ex-Colts punter Pat McAfee break this down:


My goodness. Goff looks like a professional. And the Colts don't.


I didn't know Vontae Davis was out, too. Fourth and 7? Down 24-3? Might as well. Nope. Legatron lives. 27-3. My. God. And now Viniatieri missesd. It's over, isn't it? Well, it is now. That's an interception for a touchdown by LaMarcus Joyner and it's 37-3.


Damn shame CBS doesn't have another game to switch to here. Jacoby Brissett in, who's been here less than a week. I just realized that with Luck and Davis hurt and Donald still holding out, this game is missing its three best players.Touchdown? Touchdown! Viniatieri misses AGAIN? It's over. SAFETY DANCE. (Rams 46, Colts 9)

This just in: The Seahawks' offensive line is still garbage. The Michael Bennett anthem protest just reminded me that Martellus is on the Packers (and they showed him on the other sideline with his fist raised) Delay of game after a penalty? Sweet. Interception? BIG MAN RUMBLING. TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS. Flags? Rodgers is PISSED. OH WOW. No touchdown and Jeremy Lane just got thrown out. This is also an Eddie Lacy return to Green Bay, and that's him on the carry and looking smaller. Don't see a punch on the replays of the Lane-Davante Adams altercation.
That was almost intercepted too. I should point out that there has been no scoring yet. The Seahawks offense has looked terrible. First quarter: Cobb. Second quarter: Adams. Still no points, though.


Clay Matthews and the Packers defense absolutely blew up the Seahawks on that one. I'm amazed Wilson got that pass completed, even if it was for a loss.


Sheldon Richardson's been a Seahawk for like a week and a half. (I just remembered the Jets traded him, too. TANKING.) Rodgers throwing into double coverage, for some reason. That Baldwin catch gives the Seahawks a chance to do something here. Wilson for 20 or so. (29, actually.) The Seahawks may have just tripled their total yardage on those last two plays. Are two guys supposed to be in the same spot there? For some reason the Seahawks replaced Steven Hauschka with Blair Walsh. Field goal is good. 3-0 AT HALFTIME. Fumble! Packers ball! I thought Montgomery was changing his number. Guess not. Touchdown Packers. Wait, it's first and goal for the Seahawks? Lots of contact down there. No flag? Hmmm. That ball's probably catchable. Now 7-6. Rodgers may be the Packers' leading rusher. Lot of Seahawks going down to the turf recently. Which makes it somehow ironic that the Packers may have caught them with 12 men on the field on that touchdown pass. Nice throw, too. Bobby Wagner's good, but asking him to cover Nelson is too much to ask. Is Baldwin the only Seahawks wideout with a catch? That's... not really a horse-collar. Settle down, Cheeseheads. There's also been no score crawl on Fox during this second half, at least. It's all been fantasy stats.
If Rodgers slides, none of that happens. (Packers 17, Seahawks 6)

The hell are you wearing, Carrie? This year's opening is... shorter? All righty then. Plus one for instrumental anthems. Jaylon Smith is back! Good for him, seriously. Bush 43 in the house. Do the Giants still have nine running backs or did they cut down this year? "Justin Pugh, Council Rock High School South." Look, I don't blame him for not claiming Boston College.


Seriously, why is Cole Beasley good? Great catch and concentration by Butler. Jump ball to Dez? Nope, only got one foot down. Why aren't you running the ball, Cowboys? Dan Bailey won't miss, though. The Giants can't block anyone.




Although, given how clunky these talks have gone in the past (particularly with Collinsworth) maybe it's for the best. Witten just broke Irvin's team receiving yards record. Peyton in the house. Not sure who actually came up with that, and it does look like Garrett was talked out of this challenge. Wait, there's a roof here? Good looking out, Sunday Night Football DJ. Collinsworth talking about using Beckham as an actual total decoy. Touchdown Witten. Collinsworth talking about how the Giants need to get first-rounder Evan Engram involved in the offense. it would help if he or anyone else could block.


Wait, the Cowboys got the ball back already? Scrambling here. Do they run another play? They could... but they won't. Bailey FG is good and it's 16-0 at halftime.


You know your offensive line is bad when the Cowboys are getting pressure with four. Hey, the Giants are putting together a drive here. And Eli gets sacked. That was a long way to go for that. Dez carries Landon Collins about 20 yards downfield. Just saw that Don Ohlmeyer, who is responsible for a lot of this, has died. Guy produced Monday Night Football. And they just found out in the booth.
Rough night for Eli Apple as he misses an interception and then Beasley circus catches one on him. He caught it off his own back! What IS that?


Well, Eli just threw a pick. That's 18 in a row for the Cleveland Indians. And that was less of a slog than this. (Cowboys 19, Giants 3; Indians 3, Orioles 2)


Wait, Hank Williams Jr. is back? And who are these other dudes? This return to Minnesota isn't going as well as Adrian Peterson hoped. Why are they running play-action for him? He's never been a pass catcher. You know your defense isn't good when Sam Bradford lights you up. (Vikings 26, Saints 9)


Now we have two African-American coaches making their debut against each other. Not sure this is Rex Ryan's forte. Boy, the Broncos tried real hard to lose this game, but the Chargers wanted it just a little bit less, it seems. (Chargers 24, Broncos 21)
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