Thursday, September 29, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Preparation and Opportunity

Jets-Bills doesn't deserve this much expense. This segment sucks.

Fitzpatrick probably should have just run with that one. That's a good catch.  Fumble! The Jets were very lucky to get that back. There's no reason to challenge this, Rex. They overturned it?!?!?!? That can't have been worth it. And the Jets got the first down anyway. Then Fitzpatrick loses the ball again. That should be an incomplete pass. Good, they got it right finally. Fitzpatrick first down sprint. The Jets keep putting the ball on the turf. BOOM! Marquise Goodwin tried to qualify for the Olympics. You're NOT catching that dude. And Revis got toasted.

Marshall's wincing badly. We get that face mask? He got up and walked off but that doesn't mean anything. Good defense by Goodwin on Revis there. Yeah, that's what I meant. 3rd and 20. Splendid. 3rd and 30?!?! Outstanding.

Marshall's back in. It really does feel like Eric Decker puts up 6-80-1 every week. Fourth and less than 1. E.J. Manuel's coming in? Taylor's split out wide. Sneak! Got it. Now McCoy forgets to go out of bounds. Kick is just good. 20-10 Jets at the half. Between Enunwa and Goodwin, tonight's the night of the No. 4 receiver, apparently. And there's another long touchdown for the Bills, who have been beating the Jets' DBs deep all night. And that's a fumble picked up for another score! Bills lead! Dude's head got knocked into the ball, which made him drop it.
Decker should know better than to toss a ball at an opposing player in front of an official. And then it hit him, which will (and should) always draw a flag.
Marshall didn't need to jump. He thought he did, and he ended up dropping it.
I feel like that's the first Jets run to gain positive yardage. Fitzpatrick looks good on this drive. Touchdown and the Jets are back in front. Taylor just took a shot. Manuel in for real now.

I guess Taylor wasn't finished with the test, because they showed three guys block him after he stood up off the bench. That's underthrown and intercepted.
Hey, a rare big run by Shady these days. Wait, Manuel's back in? Did the ball come out? Guess not. Yeah, Manuel's back in and the Bills are going for 4th and 1 from the Jets 45. Time out. That spot looks like it's short. Denied! Still the right decision.
Solid run blocking on the Forte touchdown. Taylor back in for the Bills. Greg Salas is on the Bills? Good Lord. That wasn't a touchdown? Weird. That's definitely a touchdown by Gillislee. And so ruled. Onside kick fails but the Jets still have to run plays.

I don't get why teams just don't punt it with three seconds left on the play clock. If the ball's in the air, that's 3-4 more seconds the other team loses. (Jets 37, Bills 31)

Signal Finder: CIN @ PIT, DAL @ WSH, SF @ CAR (end), IND @ DEN

Just don't actually kill each other, guys. It is pissing down rain out there. Steelers' second drive and they throw their first pass. 4th and 5 from the Bengals 39 and there's no decision here. Jones would have been better off letting that drop and giving the Bengals 15 more yards. Still not much happening. BOOM! Coates for 40! Touchdown! Maybe? Touchdown. The footing isn't the greatest out there now. Didn't it rain last time, too? THREE fouls on a punt return? And the refs don't even know what they all are. Bengals stay being stupid. Three and out and Dalton got rid of that to save himself. And then on the next Steelers punt, dude called for a fair catch at the 5 and then there was an unnecessary roughness penalty on the Bengals, putting the ball at the 3. Not a good punt from the Bengals' own end zone. Whoa! Who's got this? Interception Bengals! Kirkpatrick had it all the way, too. You'll be seeing Gio and not Jeremy Hill on this series, as this situation is perfect for him. Why does Brandon LaFell keep getting work? Now the one in the end zone wasn't his fault; that was a good play by the rookie Burns. Field goal is good. 10-6 at halftime.

That's a great deep ball by Ben and Coates hauled it in for 53. Touchdown Steelers as Jesse James makes a catch in traffic. The Bengals' receiving corps is A.J. Green and a bunch of dudes. But on this drive, they're working. Jeremy Hill got stuffed. Uzomah couldn't get both feet down before he got pushed. Why not go for it, Bengals? It's raining again. Little late to wonder if the Bengals should have challenged that 3rd down play in the end zone, isn't it, Iain? Like, it happened five minutes ago in real time. Ben escapes the rush (not new) and runs (new) to the 5(!) The Bengals flat-out forgot to cover DeAngelo Williams and the Steelers score again. Bengals coming back with three straight passes to Gio. Has Dalton missed on this drive? Touchdown Gio! The Bengals should have gone for two there, right? They may not get the ball back. Then the Steelers needed to run more clock than that. And the decision to not go for two doesn't look as bad, even though it still kind of is. Did the Bengals just Bengal? Actually, Boyd's knee might be down. That stood? I... don't know about that one.
(Steelers 24, Bengals 16)

Sure. (Giants 16, Saints 13)

The Cowboys' kickoff returners almost collided. That's already more yards than Bryant had last week. And that's more catches. Cowboys are keeping Bryant away from Josh Norman. That's... Prescott ran out of options quickly and that's another red zone disappointment. Washington needs to feed DeSean, like Burkhardt said. That ended poorly. Hey, Alfred Morris back. Penalty? Declined. 4th and 1 and the Cowboys roll out Prescott and he finds... Jeff Swaim? WHO? First and goal! Breeland's shook — he held Cole Beasley, of all people. Cowboys power in for a 10-0 lead. Who did Claiborne hold? He wasn't anywhere near DeSean. Jones... gets the pylon? Can't tell from those angles. Not sure. "Stands" seems right. The Cowboys are doing work up front. This Baker injury leaves Washington really short. OK, he's back. Hey, Washington got a stop on third down for once. Cousins misses Jackson again. I agree with the decision to kick and with Lynch's reasoning — with less than 30 seconds and no time outs left, you don't really have much time left to go for it. 13-10 Cowboys at the half. Washington comes out and gets two early hits on this Cowboys defense. They are marching. Touchdown Crowder.

And the Cowboys are coming right back. Breeland can't catch up with Bryant and that's gotta get fixed. Prescott runs in for the touchdown. Onside kick? Really, Cowboys? Ten yards, you idiot! How many third down situations can this team botch? Field goal ties it at 20. Hey, Josh Norman did something finally! Forced a fumble with a punch. Sweet. Then the Cowboys blitzed everyone (and roughed Cousins in the process) and it's now first and goal. But Cousins missed twice and they had to kick. The tight ends have been cutting the Cowboys up today. And then Cousins throws a terrible interception into the end zone.




Elliott fumbles AGAIN but the Cowboys get it back. Morris in now. And he scores! That's a ridiculous hole. Burkhardt jinxes Chris Thompson on that drop. Then he got wrecked by Sean Lee and Justin Durant. Washington will use the two-minute warning to think about this. They're going for it. NOPE.



Redskins get the ball back. FALSE START. That's a 10-second runoff, too. One more shot. NOPE. (Cowboys 27, Redskins 23)

 This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close:



Garoppolo down? And is that the one play Kiko Alonso makes this year? I don't understand why Jacoby Brissett threw any passes. It was 21-0 when he came in!




I'M SAYING. Tannehill's been on fire in the second half. Gostkowski misses? Wait, this can't happen. Can it? Nope. Order is preserved. (Patriots 31, Dolphins 24)

Vance McDonald? REALLY? Where was the coverage? You have to remember that the Panthers had the highest-scoring offense last year without Kelvin Benjamin. FOZZY. That drive took three minutes off the clock and got the Panthers three more points, which is the least you can ask for. Blaine Gabbert, ladies and gentlemen! Now you're just piling on. (Panthers 46, 49ers 27)

It's like Jeff Fisher only tries to beat the Seahawks. (Rams 9, Seahawks 3)

Good Lord, that hit Cromartie put on Sanders. The Colts cannot afford to lose any more corners. McManus... misses? Oof. This Broncos drive seems easy. Touchdown Anderson and they're back in front. Siemian playing better than he did last week. Cromartie back for the Colts, probably out of necessity. And as soon as I compliment Siemian, he lobs a three-yarder to Darius Butler — who's a Colt — and Butler was going to score until he just fell to the ground. Did he cramp up? Oh, he had a bad ankle? Very strange. Still, Colts ball. I'm not sure how much longer Frank Gore can last. It was a hamstring. Thanks, Tracy. Why is Gary McCord here? Halftime. Luck just ran for 21 yards on 3rd and 20.




Good leaping catch by Dorsett — I didn't think he got his feet down but he did. It's not easy to be offside as a safety but T.J Ward just did it. Turbin scores after two tries and we're... tied, somehow. I feel like this Colts defense wouldn't be good even if it was at full strength. I also think the secondary, where they're missing everyone, was its strength. Still, they hold for a field goal and it's 16-13 Broncos. Talib! Not sure Luck should have thrown that one.


Can't hit a sliding quarterback anyway. Nice tightrope walking by Frank Gore and it's a three-point game.


Strip sack by Miller! Touchdown Broncos! It's over. (Broncos 34, Colts 20)

Let's take the seal off this joint. Sam Bradford? OK. Rooftop acoustics must not be the greatest. I couldn't hear that horn at all. That's the longest pass Bradford's thrown in the NFL. (And it was nowhere close to anyone.) Fumble! Wait, what? They BOTH fumbled? If I'm Zimmer, I might challenge this. And I then thought that shouldn't this be an automatic review because it was a turnover? So still Packers ball. Fine. Lacy does look less fat. Blocked punt! Surprised Montgomery's not back returning it. That's what he did at Stanford. Al: "Terence Newman, still around." That's two PIs on Newman in three plays. Still not a touchdown. Play action! That'll do it.


So many fumbles! And the Vikings keep that one. Gotta say I'm surprised that the Vikings went for it from the Packers' 16. Touchdown Kyle Rudolph! Way to reach for a superlative, guys. We don't need to know Pro Bowl MVP awards. Bradford's running off? Oh boy. Clay's helmet rammed into his hand? Eep. Is this three-and-out good for the Vikings? Bradford's back in. No TV timeout at the 2-minute warning? Oh, here it is. Rudolph does... not get the first down. I mean, they went for it on 4th down earlier from seven yards closer than this. Oh, NOW they're going to kick it. Al: "Blair Walsh needs to make this kick." TOO SOON, MAN! Yeah, that's pretty blatant OPI by Adams. Shame, too; it was a good catch. Bradford's been pretty good so far and Stefon Diggs seems to want to become a Thing this year. No time for Rodgers. Fumble! And the Packers get it back AGAIN! This is unbelievable. Is McCarthy taking a page out of Zimmer's book by going for it here? Maybe. I mean, he didn't make it either. Peterson being helped off. Touchdown Diggs! And Randall held him for about 10 yards.

Are they carrying Peterson through an atrium or something? Is that a restaurant? Who designed this place? Masochists? SICK catch by Nelson in traffic after Rodgers ran around for weeks looking for somewhere to go. Then he himself runs for a touchdown after everything breaks down for the Vikings. (Then he gets hit late and there were... words exchanged.) How the hell does 34 not get flagged for hitting Rodgers? This is not how you answer, Vikings. Someone spotting The Replacements' "Alex Chilton" as a bumper makes me wonder why every bumper tonight hasn't been a Prince song. Get on your horse, SNF DJ. Packers are driving again. THEY LOST A FUMBLE! Well, it had to end sometime. That's a good punt. Interception! And it's Trae Waynes, who's had a rough night.
What a strange game. (Vikings 17, Packers 14)

I didn't realize the Bears had been so bad at home the last two years. Gruden doesn't recognize any of these people. Cutler's already under siege. The Eagles are already moving with pace. One good thing about the Chip Kelly era was very few delay of game penalties. Audible? Sproles? Not Sproles. Going for it. DGB! Took a hit but not soon enough to not get the first. More no-huddle. That's a generous spot. That's a suboptimal ending. The Bears find something with the screen to Royal. Cutler created that one himself and he's still getting no time. Brooks almost comes up with an interception on a 3rd down play. Here is Not Robbie Gould, Connor Barth. CLANG! Alshon Jeffrey just took Jalen Mills to school. Yeah, that's interference. Touchdown Bears.

Uh-oh, it's last year's Jason Kelce again. 3rd and 20? Yeesh. Graham with a sack. Someone forgot to cover Jordan Matthews, and a good throw by Wentz finds him. I'm not sure why the Eagles are running so relatively little, and mostly with Sproles. Burton! And add Roughing the Passer to that. Yeah, blow to the head. Then he takes a lick after that run but he was still inbounds. Good pass breakup to prevent a touchdown. Sturgis good. Eagles spreading things out again. Ohhh Matthews just dropped a touchdown. And then they can't even get closer. 53 yards? GOOD. Bears got away with pass interference on Agholor. What the hell? Cutler stepped right into a sack and fumbled.
Wentz wasn't great on that drive, underthrowing Agholor and getting the next ball knocked down. Where's the running game? No Lisa Salters? Who's this dude? The Bears are running out of guys, it seems. Lot of funky play calling by Pederson. Touchdown Ryan Mathews! He was stuffed and then bounced it outside and away from everybody! It's rare to see defensive players look so openly and obviously confused. Willie Young has no idea what just happened.

Jay Cutler, ladies and gentlemen. Touchdown Eagles. So Salters IS here? Then what's this other guy there for? Cutler being taken to the locker room. It's Brian Hoyer time! It helps to have Alshon Jeffrey. ANOTHER Bears turnover. Is that the third one in a row? (It was the second of a back-to-back and the third in four possessions.) They're stretching out Sturgis's leg? Might explain the missed extra point. I don't like the third down run, Gruden. Especially when your kicker might not be available. I don't get that one, either. What? Penalty on the Bears? Oops. This time Mathews gets it and scores. I still would have thrown on 3rd down, though. Sturgis out for the extra point? Odd. That's some good blocking on that Royal punt return touchdown. That's a sorry onside kick.

(Eagles 29, Bears 14)
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Thursday, September 15, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Feet First

And we're off.


That's two misses so far. The Broncos have a fullback? Weird. Also weird that they're throwing so early, but they may just be trying to give the kid confidence. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.

Hey, Kelvin Benjamin back. The Panthers missed that dude.


Hey, it's Demaryius Thomas. Haven't seen him since Week 17 last year.
And just as I was about to say how well Siemian was doing so far, that happens. Gotta eat that one, kid.
Whose idea was that shovel pass to Tolbert on 3rd and 6? Because it was a bad one. That's why you go get Andy Lee. Well, no that exactly, but you get my point. Kid has wheels? Hmm. THE FULLBACK JUST SCORED?!? I don't think Janovicz thought he was getting the ball, Cris.





Wait, the Panthers are out of time outs already? This has been a LONG drive. Good job by Cam to get away and find Olsen, who was open because everyone blitzed.


This was a big problem in the Super Bowl — the Panthers' tackles got lit up. Not so much tonight. Gotta wrap up. Too many runs by Newton in this sequence, IMO. Smart of Olsen to dive for the sideline there, and as Cris pointed out, Ward should have tried to touch him down. Take these points. These Broncos turnovers are getting worse and worse. That ball was underthrown and easily picked off. Can't forget about DeMarcus Ware. THAT'S why you go get Andy Lee. Cam's limping? Oh, he got hit by Miller's helmet. Sup, Peyton. Well, Cam's throwing again, so this may have been nothing. Well, he wasn't across the line of scrimmage — ohhh. Face mask on the center.


There's no reason to bring up Cam flossing on the sideline. Man, I thought that completion to Virgil Green was another pick for a second. Touchdown Broncos! Finally they finish a drive. There's no reason that Target ad needed to be that long. Tip drill interception and the Broncos are back in business. Siemian's put the ball into some tight spaces tonight. There's another one. Is Rivera about to challenge a spot? He's gonna win this one, though. Now the Broncos have a choice to make. Kick for the tie, or go for 4th and half a yard? That's... close. It's close to a first down, but nothing else. That third effort may have gotten it. Yep. Whoa! Good thing Kony Ealy was there to, at the very least, postpone the inevitable. Tight end was completely open in the end zone. And there it is. Touchdown Anderson and the Broncos take the lead. The Broncos can't cover Olsen. That's a crucial stop by Talib. The Panthers kick the field goal, showing Rivera's faith in his defense to get another stop. And they got that stop. Good punt... for the Panthers. Lot of confusion here, which is not abated by that explanation. The Panthers are going backwards. That won't help. Miller, finally. Fourth and 21. Hands to the face on the BRONCOS? That's the right call, too. I don't get running there. Aaand that's their last time out. Thank God for Olsen. That's at least the third time the Broncos have gone helmet-to-helmet on Cam.


This is also grounding probably. Offsetting penalties. There's Benjamin, finally. I'd try to get closer. And they do. Nice catch, SPEED 2. THIS NEVER WORKS. Here we go. N... nope? OH MY GOD, IT WORKED? THAT NEVER WORKS. Gary Kubiak is a damn warlock.


(Broncos 21, Panthers 20)

Signal Finder: CLE @ PHI, CIN @ NYJ (end), GB @ JAX (end), NYG @ DAL, DET @ IND (end)

We really do need more instrumental anthems. Remember, touchbacks come out to the 25 now. Who moved? The Browns, that's who. Nice catch, Ertz. He had 75 catches last year? Wow. Touchdown Matthews! Woooo. That's a good throw, too.


Here's how bad things are for the Browns: Terelle Pryor is starting at wide receiver. Not sure why the Browns are rolling out Griffin on 3rd and 9 but whatever. Jamie Erdahl just invented the word "jitterish." Three men on Josh Huff? Seriously? Now who moved? The Eagles this time. Well, they can't all be winners. Sproles? Sproles. That's the first indecision-caused sack. That's... no good. Wait, the one official signaled good while the one on the side where the ball was signaled No good? These Pac-12 refs? Fake punt? Really? Look, Hue. I know your team stinks, but you don't have to make it so obvious.


Have the Eagles run any play-action yet? Wentz rushed that third-down throw and it was high. First down, Cleveland! That's a sick catch by Pryor, push off or not. It occurs to me that we've cut to the studio for an update exactly once so far. Jenkins is mad but that's probably the right call. But after those replays I'm not sure. Touchdown Browns. Who whiffed on that tackle? Looks like Carroll. There's the RG3 everyone remembers. TIP DRILL INTERCEPTION. Wentz is up again. Oh, hey, huddling. Welcome home, Carl Nassib, I suppose.


Wentz threw that third-down pass really hard and it hit Sproles in the hands but he couldn't hold it. Wasn't this kid in the Febreze commercial named "Carl" before? "Why is he "Josh"? And why am I so concerned? Field goal is good. Let's address the Browns' uniforms. It's hard to get something good out of their colors (Virginia Tech has the same problem). But CLEVELAND across the front looks so high schoolish. Crowell does... not get out of bounds.


Why are you previewing the Thursday night game AT HALFTIME ON SUNDAY? That's not how you want to start the second half if you're the Eagles. The Browns have to be pleased, though. Burning a time out already? Not the best look. Good hold. What an odd call. Trent Green just called himself out on calling Wentz "Palmer."
Cheesesteak B-ROLL. FOOTBALL IS BACK. High snap? Safety! Browns gonna Brown.


FOOTBALL IS BACK. The hell? That's Michael Weatherly? Dude looks OLD. Green trying to plug the mothership. Hey, a DGB sighting. Nice hand fake, and good job by Nassib not to fall for it, but Wentz gets the completion anyway. 4th and 3 from the Browns 40 and they're going for it. That should be good... and it is. Touchdown Agholor! That pass looked a lot like the first touchdown.


Hey, a sack finally. How is that offside and not delay of game? Come on, stripes. Big run by Barner, who was the Eagles' best back in the preseason. 22-10 after 3. Barwin sack. Wentz somehow salvaged an incompletion out of that bad snap. They're giving Matthews that? Wow. Replay shows it wasn't as close as I thought, either. Good stuff. Tip drill — salvaged by Agholor? What? How does the quarterback false start? Griffin took a shot from Jalen Mills on the sideline. It's almost like Griffin ran into him, which seems suboptimal. Someone lost a helmet. They are working to get Ryan Mathews this touchdown... and it finally worked.


(Eagles 29, Browns 10)

Wait, how did the Chargers blow... oh, right, Chargers. (Chiefs 33, Chargers 27, OT)

Honestly? Adams; catch was better than Rodgers' throw. Draft underachiever Luke Joeckel with the holding penalty there that may doom the Jaguars. It took away a first down, at the very least. Interception! But defensive holding cancels it out! I have no idea how Robinson got that ball back after it got knocked out of his hands. What the hell was that call on 4th and 1? A screen? With no time outs and 20 seconds left? That's some Mike McCarthy foolishness. (Packers 27, Jaguars 23)

I mean, it doesn't look like the Saints' defense is improved at all. They got it! And now Crabtree's gonna get flagged for a celebration penalty, which is moronic. 61 yards? They're gonna try this? Madness. It's... NO GOOD! Raiders win!


(Raiders 35, Saints 34)

I'm surprised Jason Pierre-Paul can shake hands. YEAH, I WENT THERE. Oh, it's W. and Laura Bush. Nice rotation on the toss, George. The Cowboys got a trumpeter, too? Sweet. Good job by Prescott avoiding the blitz and finding Dez. His helmet looks weird. That's a good stop to save a touchdown, because Bailey's not going to miss this.


Beckham tried to one-hand that one. That doesn't always work. Alfred Morris already? Hm. Doug Free's still on the Cowboys? And Witten gets flagged for holding on the field goal attempt. Of course, Bailey still won't miss.


Ladies and gentlemen, the allas Cowboys.


The idea is to keep the Cowboys' D as underexposed as possible. Dez! Landon Collins is adamant that he didn't have it.


Let's see. That ball is... out of his hands. Good job by Buck to add that supplemental explanation — Bryant was out of bounds before he got the ball back into his hands. Good shot on JPP's new glove. Good run by Prescott. Another field goal? That can't make the Cowboys happy. Victor Cruz lives! And again, this time schooling Brandon Carr. And AGAIN. Does McAdoo know he has all three time outs and he's allowed to use them? There we go. Touchdown Giants! That's Sterling Shepard, the rookie. Extra point no good? And Bullock's been around the block. The Cowboys have pretty much dominated the numbers, yet are down by four at halftime. That's literally the first good play Brandon Carr's made as a Cowboy. Also, I don't know what Aikman's talking about... Eli wasn't under any pressure that I could see. That's, what, Beasley's seventh catch? Is Terrence Williams dead?
Tough running by Elliott, and then an actual touchdown. Yeah, that's a penalty. How is Morris Claiborne still on this team? Nobody's quite sure what that was. Was it a lateral? The Cowboys should have at least considered challenging regardless. Shane Vereen carries? What madness is this?
Oh, there's Williams. Morris gets stuffed. But not that time. Bailey's not going to miss. The Giants are moving the ball again. I'm amazed how much they're running with Vereen on this drive. Try the middle of the end zone, maybe? That throw sailed and carried Beckham out of bounds. SEE? Told y'all. Everybody salsa. Have we heard from Dez since the overturned touchdown? Seems like Prescott's been throwing to everyone else... and missing at bad times. Giants ball and now they're just going to run it if they're smart. Yep, not a single pass play called. Cowboys ball with 1:05 left. They need to hit one of those deep balls. Where is Dez Bryant? What... what did you do, Terrence Williams? Why did you do that? What the hell were you THINKING?




Can you do a sarcastic sad trombone? (Giants 20, Cowboys 19)

GET OUT OF BOUNDS! Megatron would have gotten out of bounds. It's deja vu out here. Are the Lions about to pull a Chargers here? (Really, it'd be more like "reclaiming their birthright".) Prater missed an extra point from that exact spot earlier, they just said. It's... GOOD! Lateral time? This helps no one. I'm sure one of those was an illegal forward pass. Safety! I'm pretty sure the Lions have never won this game before. (Lions 39, Colts 35)

At least now we're doing crappy knock-offs of a song by the artist performing it. But does it count as Carrie's or Miranda's? Because Carrie breaking the sass meter makes the original. Little early for smelling salts, isn't it, Garoppolo? Are all of the Patriots' receivers white guys? Well, the newest one, Chris Hogan, just torched a Cardinals DB for a touchdown.


Good footwork by Floyd to stay inbounds.
It's important to remember that Garoppolo's been in this system for two years already. That's a good escape by White to keep this drive going. This seems close. Field goal is good. Chris Long is angry. They flagged the other guy? OK. Two face masks. Cardinals ball and that's Chandler Jones, who the Patriots traded away, with the recovery.




Look at Goodell out here trying to act like he cares about player safety. HI-larious. Belichick is abusing Brandon Williams, who was a running back until less than two years ago. Blount bulls for the touchdown. Bad decision by Palmer that was almost costly — Fitz wasn't open at all there. That drive was pointless. Fumble! Back to the Cardinals. That was quite a hit Palmer took and a good delivery under that pressure. Twelve guys and you couldn't get a stop? LOL Patriots.


Edelman is the Hogan of the second half, and Amendola's the highest-paid No. 3 receiver in the league. Gostkowski, straight and true. Don't feel bad, Patriots. He does that to us all the time. Good play by the defender to knock that touchdown out of Floyd's hands. Then the Cards come right back and go to Floyd, who gets the first down at the 2. THAT FITZ CATCH THOUGH. Touchdown Cardinals!


Hey, there's Amendola finally. That was fast. Someone's got to stop the Patriots here. There we go. Gostkowski puts the Pats back in front. Two big catches by Fitz and the Cardinals can actually slow down a little now. (They're out of time outs for some reason.) Oh, bad holding penalty. 3rd and 23? Sheesh. That's good for about 19 and that'll work. Here comes the field goal unit rushing onto the field — time-out Patriots? Time out Patriots. Now they're out. Kick is... NO GOOD. Oh, that's a terrible snap. The Pats got a gift and they might start 4-0 regardless. (Patriots 23, Cardinals 21)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Fumble! Wait, what? Kerrigan lost it again? Steelers eventually recover. The good news is it's still Steelers ball. The bad news is it's 2nd and 22. And a well-blocked screen and a pass to Brown erase that. Then Brown fumbles! Wait? They called it incomplete? Hmmm. I guess there's no "football move." They're reviewing it and it's the same call. 4th and 1 now. Over the top... TOUCHDOWN Antonio Brown!


Cousins got better last year when DeSean returned. I'm surprised he didn't take No. 10 back. That's a dumb penalty. 4th and 6? This one I'm less sure about.


They didn't get it! That's twice now Washington's failed to stop DeAngelo Williams on a short-yardage third down. Third downs have killed the R's on this drive. And then the Steelers get a tip-drill touchdown! This is nuts. The Steelers' ground game isn't being stopped right now. Boswell drills it and it's 17-6. That's four penalties for Washington now. That's been happening a lot — there it was Crowder coughing it up and Garcon finding it. And there's Kirk Cousins. This is a hell of a runback that'll probably be shortened somewhat. Low snap... and a rocket caught by Sammie Coates. He's another one of the guys who will have to replace Martavis Bryant (and Markus Wheaton's out tonight as well.) Then Brown beats Breeland, who's Washington's second-best defensive player.


Also, why isn't Josh Norman on him? Again, it's not like Cousins and the offense haven't moved the ball They just keep bogging down at unfortunate times. I mean, let's see how this next drive ends. Good catch by Garcon. Crowder took a hit. Vernon Davis is here? Oh, hey, a touchdown. Are they gonna kick this or not?


I'm 5 percent surprised they didn't consider going for two here, since they'll have to at some point. Why's Norman running his mouth? That's the first time he's covered Brown tonight. And again the Steelers win on third down.


And it ends with a James Harrison interception. Or not. Whatever. (Steelers 38, Redskins 16)

The best quarterback in this stadium is standing next to Chris Berman. The second-best quarterback in this stadium just took a knee during the national anthem. The third-best quarterback in this stadium might be in street clothes. That's actually a good parallel between the Fearsome Foursome/top RBs and Donald & Co./Todd Gurley. I hope it's true that this whole Kaepernick protest thing has rallied the 49ers around him, because they're going to need him at some point this year. And if Chip keeps running Gabbert like this, "some point this year" might be "in the third quarter."


Of course, the Rams aren't helping matters with Case Keenum taking snaps.
Touchdown Carlos Hyde. Did the 49ers complete a single pass on that drive? I know Gabbert ran four times. Blaine Gabbert, ladies and gentlemen!
Unless Gurley said something to the official, I don't see how that's a penalty. Interception! Interception? Somehow the ball didn't hit the turf, so interception. This move to linebacker has saved Mark Barron's career. More Gabbert running! The biggest criticism of him was always that he had happy feet and was bad at sensing the rush. Touchdown... Shaun Draughn? OK.


Case Keenum isn't good. So how bad is Jared Goff? Or, possibly, Jeff Fisher?


At least Gabbert caught the ball in the end. The 49ers have shut down Gurley and the Rams don't have anything else.


That's in reference to Berman and Young talking about how Chip's always had a great running game. This attempt at consolation to St. Louis fans by Berman is just... strange. Then he threw in a Hartford Whalers reference and it became awkward. Keenum just got thrown to the turf and nothing was called. That's the best run Gurley's had all night. Then Keenum gets sandwiched and one of his linemen gets flagged for hands to the face. I'm not sure I see this getting better. Tavon Austin punt return! Tavon Austin catch! Hey, the Rams might score here! Or not.


Quinton Patton just ran out of bounds and fumbled. Touchdown? Was his knee down first? I guess not. Touchdown. Apparently somebody just ran onto the field and outrushed Gurley to do it. And now we've got a fight? Sure, why not. There's still seven minutes left? Jebus. Aaron Donald's having a bad night. That's pass interference and the Rams have lost their cool. That's a touchdown. Is Kaepernick coming in? He looks like he's loosening up. I'm with Steve: At least TRY to get a first down, Rams.


Kap enters to mostly cheers. Good job, Santa Clara. (49ers 28, Rams 0)


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Thursday, September 8, 2016

Fearful Forecast 2016

So I'm doing something a little different this year with these. First, I'm not breaking them up into AFC and NFC like I've done the last few years. Second, I'm bringing back postseason picks. Third, I'm adding confidence ratings to my divisional picks. If you're not familiar with the concept, I'll be assigning a number to how confident I am that I've gotten the order of finish right. Here's an example. My most confident pick will be an 8, and my least confident a 1.

As usual, predicted playoff seeds are in parentheses.

AFC EAST (Confidence Rating: 8)

 (1) New England -- Look, I know Tom Brady's going to miss the first four games for maybe possibly using too-soft footballs. But based on talent alone, the worst the Pats should do is go 2-2 before Brady gets back. And then you've got Brady back without four games of wear and tear on him and with a chip on his shoulder. This doesn't end any other way.

(6) N.Y. Jets -- The Jets surprised under first-year head coach Todd Bowles and were a disastrous Ryan Fitzpatrick half away from a playoff spot. After somehow playing to a draw with their quarterback in a high-priced game of chicken, everybody's back to make another go of it.

Buffalo -- Like the Jets, the Bills got unexpected competence from quarterback Tyrod Taylor but fizzled late and missed the playoffs. Rex Ryan gave himself two years to get the Bills back to the postseason. This is Year 2. Is he a man of his word?

Miami -- Ryan Tannehill is well on his way to becoming this decade's Jay Cutler, which probably explains why the rudderless ship that is the Miami Dolphins hired Adam Gase as their new head coach. Gase got one of Cutler's best-ever seasons out of him, and it'll be up to him to find out if Tannehill will ever be anything other than a tease.

AFC NORTH (Confidence Rating: 2)

 (3) Pittsburgh -- Like the Patriots, they'll be down some key personnel early (Le'Veon Bell and Martavis Bryant), but, as in recent history, it will all depend on Ben Roethlisberger's ability to maximize whatever he's given to work with. And there's still plenty there -- Antonio Brown may be the game's best receiver, the offensive line is improving, and the front seven on defense is good enough to protect a vulnerable secondary.

(5) Cincinnati -- It's rare that you'll see a team's season end in such a spectacular disaster as the Bengals' did last year. They have the talent and skill on both sides of the ball. But did they learn anything from their playoff flameout?

Baltimore -- A lot of things went wrong for the Ravens last year, and they still seem one step behind. The defense, which has coasted on its reputation for several years now, is showing its age, and even the normally durable Joe Flacco finally succumbed to the injury bug. This feels like a critical season for everyone involved.

Cleveland -- Hue Jackson deserved another shot at being a head coach. Robert Griffin III deserved another shot at being a starting quarterback. They both also deserved a better opportunity than this Superfund site of a franchise. Yes, the perpetually-building Browns are trying one more time. At least the Cavs won.

AFC SOUTH (Confidence Rating: 3)

 (4) Houston -- Is Brock Osweiler the quarterback the Texans desperately needed, or is he just the new Matt Flynn? The former Bronco got big money based off of six decent starts, but he does have offensive talent around him. J.J. Watt will, as usual, lead the defense, but the Texans would really like former No. 1 overall pick Jadaveon Clowney to stay healthy and finally produce.

Jacksonville -- Time to find out if Gus Bradley can coach. QB Blake Bortles has already surpassed my Blaine Gabbert-esque expectations, and he's got two good targets in Allens Robinson and Hurns. They also added the draft's best defensive player in Jalen Ramsey to help solve their secondary woes. A division title is possible, but marked improvement is almost a requirement.

Indianapolis -- Andrew Luck's bad year ended up putting a lot of the Colts' problems on display, most surprisingly, the rift between head coach Chuck Pagano and general manager Ryan Grigson. With that seemingly patched up, they drafted Ryan Kelly to be their best offensive lineman. But a defense that's already been hit hard by injuries and departures could end up being their undoing.

Tennessee -- I wish the Titans had hired a better coach. They have shaken up the roster dramatically to find players that will help QB Marcus Mariota grow. DeMarco Murray should be rested after his year in Philadelphia, which will be fine when Heisman Trophy winner Derrick Henry takes over as the featured back in Week 8.

AFC WEST (Confidence Rating: 4)

 (2) Oakland -- I'm calling it! Last year proved that the worst was over for the Silver and Black. QB Derek Carr (who's already better than his older brother ever was) seems primed to take the next step, and some smart additions have the Raiders possibly ready to seize what is suddenly a wide-open division.

Kansas City -- Under the steady (if oddly sized) hands of Andy Reid and Alex Smith, the Chiefs finally ended their playoff victory drought last year. They're going to miss star pass rusher Justin Houston for however long he's going to be out, but otherwise not much has changed -- run the ball and play defense is still the (fairly successful) plan here.

Denver -- Peyton Manning rode off into the sunset after winning his second championship. Now, I get that he was below replacement-level last year, but at least he was a known commodity. Trevor Simien is not, and even the league's best defense can only do so much.

San Diego -- After a year-plus of utter foolishness ranging from possible relocation (which is still hanging in the air) to Eric Weddle walking out to the ridiculousness of the Joey Bosa contract dispute, the Chargers are still in San Diego and Philip Rivers is still their quarterback. Protecting him -- which they couldn't do last year -- will be paramount. One has to wonder about all the bad mojo surrounding this franchise, though.


NFC EAST (Confidence Rating: 1)

(4) N.Y. Giants -- I shouldn't do this. I really shouldn't. I thought the Giants should have completely cleaned house after last season instead of just firing Tom Coughlin, and free agent spending sprees haven't gone well for them recently. However, Eli Manning had a good year under newly elevated head coach Ben McAdoo last season, and this division is suddenly so bad again that anyone could win it.

Washington -- Management basically told Kirk Cousins, "Prove it." He's still under .500 as a starter (11-14), and the R's didn't beat a team with a winning record last year on its way to winning the tire fire that was this division. New CB Josh Norman has to avoid not being a bust like so many of this team's other big-ticket free agent signings over the years. Put it this way: The only team in American sports with more to prove in 2016-17 is the Golden State Warriors.

Dallas -- Oh, look, Tony Romo's hurt again, and this time it's his back, which is especially troubling for a man of his age and recent injury history. When's he coming back? And what will he be when he does? It falls to rookie Dak Prescott to hold down the fort, and it's a good thing he has a top-flight offensive line to protect him... because the Cowboys also don't have a defense to speak of. (They will eternally regret taking Ezekiel Elliott over Jalen Ramsey.)

Philadelphia -- Chip Kelly is being disavowed like he was a captured IMF agent. The Eagles' quest to divest themselves of every vestige of his tenure culminated with last weekend's surprise dump-off of Sam Bradford onto the Vikings, putting rookie Carson Wentz under center and ensuring a total rebuild. Any reasonable success they see this season will be because of their defense.

NFC NORTH (Confidence Rating: 7)

(1) Green Bay -- If everyone's healthy, things should return to normal in Packerland, where the expectations are understandably high. Otherwise, the Packers will need everyone on deck as they try to get back to the Super Bowl. I still think their biggest weakness is on their own sideline (five of their seven playoff losses under Mike McCarthy came on the last play of the game), but they'll be dangerous because of the guys between the lines.

(6) Minnesota -- Ultimately, having Sam Bradford at quarterback replacing the grievously injured Teddy Bridgewater changes nothing. The plan is still to give Adrian Peterson the ball, play solid defense at all three levels, and get enough plays in the passing game to win. But this franchise has demons, which we saw manifest again in last year's playoffs. Can they overcome themselves?

Detroit -- Things got better for the Lions in the second half of the season... then Calvin Johnson retired. Now they have to reconfigure their entire offense in a way they haven't been used to for about a decade. Is Jim Caldwell up to the task? More importantly, are Matthew Stafford and Golden Tate up to the task?

Chicago -- This feels like the beginning of the end of... something. A lot of veterans were sent packing as the Bears search for an identity under John Fox and his staff. Stealing offensive lineman Josh Sitton from the rival Packers was a surprise, and Danny Trevathan, Jerrell Freeman and first-round pick Leonard Floyd should help on defense. Even so, they'll still rise and fall with Jay Cutler... but who knows for how much longer.

NFC SOUTH (Confidence Rating: 5)

 (3) Carolina -- I did not expect the Panthers to run over the conference on the way to the Super Bowl last season, especially after losing their top receiver, Kelvin Benjamin. Cam Newton was the MVP without him, and I expect Cam to still be mad over losing the Super Bowl. Their destiny is completely in their own hands.

Atlanta -- The Falcons got off to a fast start last season and looked like a surprise contender before fizzling out just as quickly. WR Julio Jones is as good as it gets, but coach Dan Quinn made his name on defense, and that's where the Falcons will need to see improvement.

New Orleans -- It turns out my worries about Drew Brees declining may have been overstated, but it's still something worth paying attention to. The big question for the Saints will be the same one it's been for years: Are they good enough defensively to supplement their high-powered offense?

Tampa Bay -- You're going to have to convince me that the Bucs firing Lovie Smith so they wouldn't lose Dirk Koetter was a good decision. A point in favor of that is that rookie Jameis Winston looked like the real deal. But the recent constant coaching turnover has to be cause for concern -- will they ever find the right guy to lead this team?

NFC WEST (Confidence Rating: 6)

(2) Seattle -- Getting passed by the Cardinals late last season didn't sit well with the Seahawks, and if there's any team that'll find motivation in that, it's this group. Questions abound on the lines, however, especially the offensive line. They're still virtually unbeatable at home, though, and that should save them in the end.

(5) Arizona -- The pressure is on like it has never been. The Cardinals' recent sustained success has smart observers thinking it's time for them to get to the Super Bowl. Carson Palmer's clock is ticking. How many big years does he have left, and can he avoid falling apart in the postseason again?

Los Angeles -- Man, does that look weird to type. The repatriated Rams rolled the dice and traded up to No. 1 to overdraft quarterback Jared Goff, who will sit behind Case Keenum as Jeff "7-9" Fisher inexplicably remains at the controls. Fortunately, the Rams have budding star Todd Gurley to run the ball, and their defensive front is among the best in the league.

San Francisco -- Are we sure Chip Kelly doesn't have personnel control? Because this roster is terrible. Blaine Gabbert, who legitimately does not belong in the NFL, is your starting quarterback. American hero/American pariah Colin Kaepernick, after a dalliance with the trade market, is back as his backup. Not that any of this matters, as the 49ers have to be the early-line favorites to win the Deshaun Watson sweepstakes.

PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

 WILD CARD
Arizona over N.Y. Giants
Carolina over Minnesota
Cincinnati over Houston
Pittsburgh over N.Y. Jets

DIVISIONAL ROUND
Green Bay over Arizona
Seattle over Carolina
Pittsburgh over Oakland
New England over Cincinnati

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
Seattle over Green Bay
New England over Pittsburgh

SUPER BOWL 51
New England over Seattle

(Look, I don't like this any more than you do.)

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