Thursday, January 28, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Busy Signals

Roby wasn't a first-rounder, was he? Huh, he was. I stand corrected. Didn't see the actual hold but it may have been earlier in the play. Broncos are mixing it up nicely on this drive. Did the Broncos own the Patriots on that touchdown play or did the Pats own themselves? Thomas was being shadowed by a linebacker and he didn't get the catch — a completely uncovered Daniels did. Not much activity so far from the Patriots. Crowd noise, Phil? That's a good punt return by Amendola. Wait, what? They called it on the wrong guy but the Patriots' center headbutted a dude. Hillman didn't see that pass coming, or he saw Freeny WAS coming. Challenge?




It's a lateral and Patriots ball! That was unnecessary, Ward. Touchdown Stephen Jackson. Gostkowski MISSED? Only his second extra point miss ever. First since 2006. Good ups by Sanders to get that pass. The Patriots' offensive line is still not great. Von Miller in coverage? Von Miller with the interception! The Broncos don't seem to be getting a lot from their running game so far. Daniels out here making moves. Touchdown Broncos. All three scores have come as the direct result of screwups by the other side. Wait, the Patriots are having trouble with their tablets? Oh, that's so good. So delicious. FEED ME.


The Broncos are getting a lot of pressure up the middle. How do you let Brady run for 10 yards?


Gostkowski makes a kick. Stop the presses. That Surface is HUGE. Is someone running a starship on that? ANOTHER interception? And Brady was under pressure again.


What, did the Broncos miss the kick? Jeez. Oh, they lost, like, 20 yards. That's somehow worse.


That's not interference on Logan Ryan? Field goal is good. 17-9 Broncos. Butler's stepping to the kicker? Really? (And McManus is bigger than he is, which is also unusual.)


Big, deep kicks and punts to start the second half. Was that a Gronk sighting? Amendola got wrecked but somehow held on. Gronk being on the sideline for this play is a problem. And it's incomplete. Pats settle for three. Get outta here with that Batman v Superman comparison, Nantz. PEYTON RUNNING. First down and the crowd goes wild.


That's a big stop by Butler on third down to shut that down. Why punt on 4th and 1 at midfield? Oh. Miller sacked Brady without a second thought. These offensive lines aren't good.


Brady sacked again. And AGAIN. How many is that? Five? Six? Anderson gets loose! Peyton just missed Norwood on the same route he missed Sanders on in the first quarter. Except this was third down. Where is Thomas? A touchdown would have ended it. Has there been a single deep ball thrown in this game? Still no. THERE'S one, but White couldn't haul it in. This is interesting. There's six minutes left, so the Pats have time to get the ball back if they kick the field goal, but it's 4th and 1.


NOPE. Harris stuffed Edelman.




It's so bad DeMarcus Ware's getting pressure. Way to kill ZERO TIME, Broncos. A Brady sneak that didn't work? Oh, and a false start to boot.


Cannon's had a terrible game. Wait, how is that an incompletion? These rules. The Broncos are challenging? OK. Still incomplete. Fine. 4th and 6. Jump ball to Gronk in the back of the end zone? Really? That can't have been the first read. Incomplete. Gronk thinks that was a hold. I think it might ave been but it didn't impact Gronk's ability to catch the ball. So the Broncos throw deep on 3rd down for no good reason. And then the punt only goes to midfield. Everyone's covered and Brady has no time. Ware's tired of Miller and Wolfe having all the fun.


FINALLY GRONK! Brady keeps getting hit. I'd love to see these stats after the game. 4th and goal. Gotta triple Gronk, right? HOW DO YOU NOT  TRIPLE-TEAM GRONKOWSKI?! Gotta go for two now. Intercepted!! This is two points if dude scores... but nope. Onside kick time! Yeah, no. Praise be.


(Broncos 20, Patriots 18)

Is FOX playing the Star Wars theme or is it the stadium? Cardinals are getting Patriots-level pass protection right now.


SPEED! And some elusiveness to boot. What was that last almost-block? Fitzgerald passing? In the first quarter? The Cardinals are already desperate. Brown! He's gone. These Panthers receivers aren't the greatest, but they've got some speed, too.




So far, David Johnson's been the Cardinals' best offensive player. Is this last week's game again? Sack, fumble, Panthers ball. The Cardinals needed to stop this drive cold and they did. They may have a chance. Fells jumps into Davis for no real reason. Palmer seems to have found a rhythm or something finally. Johnson? No. NOW Johnson and the Cardinals are on the board. That's a mistake Patrick Peterson usually doesn't make. Just overran it. And he just got hit for holding Ginn on that missed deep fly route. Two big runs by Stewart. Cam with the sneak? Did he get there? Refs say he did. Yep. Ball's across. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Palmer coughs one up and it's Panthers ball again. Then Cam overthrows his guy and it goes right to Peterson. He caught that better than he fielded that punt earlier. PROTECT. THE. FOOTBALL. No, I'm not kidding — Palmer just threw one right to Coleman in the end zone.


I didn't even have time to note that Ginn — who's still a top-5 fastest guy in the league — ran down Peterson, who may also be a member of that club. Oh, it's halftime? OK. Cam's arm is something else. That looked like a sidearm pass. Eight catches for first downs for Olsen in the playoffs. What was Cam thinking there? That was a little too complicated. Don't throw short of the end zone. Field goal is good. SPEED with HANDS! How did that not get intercepted? Defensive backs really shouldn't try to do this. Took three of them to bring Cam down. And none of them are going to stop him here.




This feels like it's over, doesn't it? Especially after another Fitz drop. Well, maybe not? Touchdown Fells. That two-point conversion took too long to develop and they were lucky it eventually worked. Now they need another break. That may not have been it.


That's interference because Fitz might have had a shot at catching it if he hadn't been held. That's... not a good read by Palmer, or a good throw. That's Coleman's second interception tonight.


What are they looking at now? Oh. Strange how the Eagles may have had an effect on how today's games turned out: Palmer hurt his finger in that game, and the Pats arguably never fully recovered from losing to them at Foxborough. Olsen open again. This isn't fair any more. Touchdown Devin Funchess, breaking the streak of Ohio State dudes. Why are they going for two? The math doesn't dictate anything.


Then Kuechly comes up with a pick-six. Stop the match. Christ. It's Drew Stanton time. Rivera's been consulting with Madden? Interesting. Wait, did Cam really not know who won the first game? I hope he didn't DVR it. Of course, that game ended right before this one kicked off, so he may have just not seen the end. Also, I've never heard anyone call Peyton "The Sheriff" before. Did they change the Halas Trophy? (Panthers 49, Cardinals 15)

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Thursday, January 21, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Lines in the FieldTurf

Seven defensive backs and NOT ONE of them can cover Gronk. Splendid. Also, how did Brady not get sacked there? I almost feel like you need to bring weapons against him. Like, actual weapons. Touchdown Gronk and Sean Smith doesn't know what happened.


Have we figured out what happened to Maclin yet? The Chiefs have burned two time outs already? Andy Reid, ladies and gentlemen!


Sweet toss play off the fake to pick up that 3rd and 4. Let's see if Fouts is right. Nope, straight drop-back that wasn't close to being catchable. So we'll kick a field goal then. Oh, Maclin did come back in. Good. We need to discuss how close that was to a pick-six by the Chiefs. It bounced off Edelman's hands and then Smith dropped it. Hey, a third-down stop, finally.


Right? The Chiefs ought to be mad. That was unnecessary and dirty. And of course, because they're the Patriots, it doesn't matter. Brady drops one into Keshawn Martin's bucket for 42 yards. That hit on Brady was also a little late. Stephen Jackson's still alive? BRADY RUNNING. That's not a touchdown. Paid a price for nothing. Seriously, boo all you want, it's not a touchdown. That, however, is. Jason Avant's still in the league?


Supreme goal-line run by the Chiefs here. Why did the Patriots call time out? They just let the Chiefs off the hook. Field goal is good. 14-6 at the half. Is it just me or have the Chiefs run six plays and made zero progress? I know they had that penalty, but did they move the ball at all? This is better. The thing about the Chiefs switching their running game after Charles went down is that Davis is a fumbler who fumbles, and they knew that. ON CUE. Is that the first Masters promo of the year? Seems... early, actually. Who throws a pass to that part of the field? Great catch, Edelman. Wait, what? Yeah, I thought his knee hit first anyway, too. Somehow, Gronk got completely open. Oh, Brady pump-faked Berry out of his cleats, that's what happened. This game's over.


Four yards per attempt for Smith? Yuck. Then THAT happened. Ducked four guys and found Avant, who had to elevate to even have a chance to catch it. The Chiefs dodged a bullet there — half a second later and that's picked off. This is the right decision on 4th and 3 because the Chiefs have to score a touchdown. So did they take the penalty or not? No matter. Touchdown Chiefs. They should have gone for two there, right? Now the Patriots are playing the long game, bleeding the Chiefs dry on this drive. White! That ending in a field goal is almost disappointing. That probably isn't a catch but who knows. I will say this challenge is petty as hell, which is par for the course with Belichick. Eagle: "Even when they lose, they win." And that's why everyone hates the Patriots. That's not grounding?


Why aren't the Chiefs using their time outs? Then Wilson somehow gets wide open and doesn't immediately go out of bounds (and didn't reach the end zone on top of it.) Good Lord, they're HUDDLING. Even the French can't believe it:


That's pass interference. Touchdown West but it's too late. Onside kick right to Gronk. That bounce is the other reason everybody hates the Patriots. (Patriots 27, Chiefs 20)

Wait, does Phoenix have subways? Did Veldheer just shout out Hillsdale? And now we're talking about Palmer's finger while the camera is centered directly on his ass. David Johnson's almost been the Cardinals' best player this last month. Palmer just got blown up on that sack. That's a good catch by Michael Floyd if he actually got his feet in. He did. Touchdown Cardinals.

They just gave Rodgers 20 yards. Another Rodgers free play? How did Cobb catch that in coverage? He wasn't open at all! It won't count, though? There were three flags down there. So the Packers shifted illegally because the Cardinals had 12 men on the field? That tracks. I feel like all of these deep cut Packers receivers went to Wisconsin.


That's not a good throw, Aaron. So none of that will count. LOL at Arians' reaction. Yeah. that's against the rules. And all that will get the Packers only three points. The Cardinals have so much speed, man. And guys who can go up and make plays. I miss that. No Cobb? That's a real problem for the Packers.


These dudes are making catches, though. Can't deny it.


That kid's a Packers fan in disguise. And again the Packers can't make the end zone. Strange throw by Rodgers. Maybe not as blatantly bad as the one that Peterson picked that didn't count, but maybe a little less explainable .Then Palmer chucks one into double coverage and Clinton-Dix picks it off. That'll stand. Yep. BIG run by Lacy through the middle of the Cardinals' defense. Rodgers could have taken off and run that one to the left side. The Cardinals can't contain him. He had a week to throw that pass. Packers lead. Pretty sure that Fitzgerald catch was the Cardinals' longest play of the night. That's an... odd rule. Collinsworth calls it the "Hines Ward" rule which I guess makes sense. So what are we looking at here? Control? I mean, I can't overturn this. Brown! That's another bad pass by Palmer and that cost them at least three points.


Now the Cardinals need a stop. That won't do it. Huh? Oh, that's definitely not a catch. That stretch by Fitzgerald may not have been the smartest move. Never challenge spots. Oh, OK. (They didn't have to.) Hey, a Johnson run. They haven't had one of those all night. Good job by Brown to come back and help Palmer out. Wow, Palmer just almost threw another terrible interception. They gotta dial this game plan back. They clearly don't listen to me. Johnson made a crazy catch... and got the first down by the tip of the ball! Not even the whole nose. THE TIP. Tipped... TOUCHDOWN FLOYD!


You know you haven't had a good night when you're left shaking your head after throwing a touchdown pass. This extra point is NOT a lock. Got it. Know also that the Packers only have one time out left. That might have been interference but the official would never have seen it. This is now the Eagles-Saints playoff game from several years back where the Eagles were down 4 late at a similar spot on the field and also punted. Why in God's name did the Cardinals just throw a pass? That guarantees the Packers will get the ball back. Field goal is good and it's 20-13. Freeney with a sack! OK, that's interference but Jeff Janus is never getting that call. BUT HE CAUGHT THAT ONE. (And I didn't even spell the man's name correctly. It's J-A-N-I-S. My humblest apologies.) Wait, why are they running a play here? Spike it, you fools! The packers weren't set. Jesus Christ, McCarthy.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

DID HE HOLD ON?




The throw is ridiculous. TOUCHDOWN!!!! And HOW DO YOU LET THAT HAPPEN TWICE?


Arians didn't really cover himself in glory in these last three minutes. Even LeBron's taking shots:


Then the coin doesn't actually flip on the overtime coin toss. Cris: "Come on, Al. How long you been doing this?" That slo-mo on the coin flip replay though.


And then the Packers' defense completely shuts down. Palmer bumps into his own man, throws across the field and across his body (the throw they tell you NEVER to make), and no one is covering Fitzgerald, who almost scores. And the he DOES score on a shovel pass, of all things.


Insane. (Cardinals 26, Packers 20, OT)

Turf issue? What? I missed the beginning of that. THAT'LL get the juices flowing. And his backup won't get another carry for a while after that. Even Newton's getting into the act. Touchdown Stewart and that drive was just four punches to the face. It's also Lynch's first game back in a while, and his first carry... didn't go as well. Then Wilson gets pressured into an interception that Keuchly brings back for a touchdown. That's... not much better, Seahawks. You guys awake yet?


I think they're discussing who moved first. Oh, they got Blind Side. OK. The Seahawks chose wrong and left Olsen far too open than he should be. Give it up, Sherman. The play's over. There's Dickson open over the middle. Touchdown Stewart. This got ugly fast.


Another pick? Oh boy. This is Panthers-Falcons I all over again. And now Okung — the Seahawks' only non-terrible offensive lineman — is down. That pass breakup by Sherman may have, at least, postponed the inevitable. THAT OLSEN CATCH THOUGH. We've played 21 minutes and this game is over.


Is that an "MVP" chant? It should be. So now the Seahawks decide to get more than one first down, and Wilson had to get that one himself. Kearse was out of bounds and not in the end zone anyway. Good footwork by Lockett to make sure that was a catch. They probably have to go for it here. Baldwin catches it and... doesn't get there. Game, set, match. There's some Andy Reid-level clock management going on here by Carroll right now. Not that it matters. Oh, now they're kicking a 55-yard field goal? And missing it? BRILLIANT.




Kickoff return! OK. Seahawks have picked up the pace on this drive. Touchdown Kearse? Yep. I don't know about this spot. I mean, it might be right, but I can't tell. That's a big sack. Wilson missed a wide open Baldwin and he's not happy about it. Have the Panthers' secondary stopped covering people? Apparently — Lockett torched Coleman and caught a touchdown pass in the end zone. This isn't happening, is it? This Panthers drive is taking up time the Seahawks can't afford to  lose, but every point they don't score helps the Seahawks at the same time. Fake punt? Fake punt! That sack by Norman is what they were trying to do on the play that Lockett scored on earlier. 3rd and 24? Splendid. Oh, NOW they punt? Come on, man. Olsen took a shot from Chancellor and still got the first down. Wait, what? Sideline warning? Well, Carroll's been screaming at the officials all game and I guess they've about had it.


This might be a catch, actually. Carroll has to challenge it.


Yeah, that's a catch, and a big one. Kearse has been the Seahawks' guy today. Hey, a Marshawn Lynch sighting. Buck: "Well, it's third down." Dammit, Troy. That looked like Wilson was throwing it away but Kearse AGAIN. Touchdown Seahawks.


Stop leaving Olsen open, Seahawks. That's... better? OK. I'm not sure why Carolina punted there. But that still took too much time off the clock if you're a Seahawks fan. This one's closer. Stands. I'm not sure the Seahawks have enough time. They don't. Two offensive penalties won't help, either. The Seahawks' receivers have been complaining about being interfered with all game, mirroring complaints from EVERY SEAHAWKS OPPONENT IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS. You know it's true. So this'll go field goal, then onside kick if it's good. There's one, and there's the other, and Thomas Davis recovers the onside kick and that's it. I'm gonna need you to make up your minds here, stripes. (Panthers 31, Seahawks 24)





And Ben starts the game with an overthrow on a deep ball. The Steelers might want to consider tackling this dude. That didn't go as far as it should have. Field goal is... good.


I like the decision to go for it, but why load up with three tight ends only to go play-action to the end zone when you only need one yard? Seriously, what are the Steelers doing? Thanks for contributing, Jay Feely. No one mentioned the wind being up. Being beaten this badly in the field position game isn't sustainable for either side, especially if the Broncos aren't going to score touchdowns off of it. Big, giant play by Bryant, who they'll need with Brown out. "Fitzgerald Toussaint" is a name from 100 years ago. Touchdown Steelers. Ben seemed fine on that drive. We've found a pass that even DHB can't drop.


Peyton's not getting the help from his receivers. The throws haven't been great, either. Basically, it's how Peyton Manning playoff games after a bye week often look. This is an interesting decision to go for it at this point in the game. I'm not against it, but I'm surprised Kubiak went for it. That would have been caught if Mitchell hadn't hit Bryant so hard. The purposeful bad punt. I think I like it. Snap the ball. Damn. Way to sneak the safety up and blitz him, Steelers. They fumble the snap? Wow. At least they'll get a field goal attempt. Good. 10-9 at halftime. That screen was a bad play call on 3rd and 5 and without Thomas and Sanders on the field. That had no chance to work.


I feel like the Steelers are just calling better plays. Look at Bryant finding holes in the defense to weave through. Are the Steelers confused here or is this just some Peyton-style fake audibilizing? I think now they're confused — they JUST got that play off. Then Talib broke up the pass anyway, so. Field goal. Again. Wait, WHAT? They didn't consider that a slide, I guess. This is what Tomlin's arguing; whether or not Peyton "gave himself up" as they say. It looked to me like he honestly slipped, but he wasn't touched.
That's a touchback and not a safety because the punt was muffed, not fumbled. Steelers are marching. I await the inevitable stall at midfield. FUMBLE!! Broncos ball! I believe that's also the first play DeMarcus Ware's ever made in the postseason. That could turn this game. Man, 79 on the Broncos has got to go. He's sucked for the last six weeks. Who is THAT guy? Good job, everyone. Let's... run it again, I guess? Hey, touchdown Broncos! I mean, at least make them think you might run on this two-point try. Got it. 20-13. Three minutes left.


That might be it. That... should have been a fumble, actually, unless "in the grasp" is still a thing. This field goal will end it. Or not, as that penalty was on the Broncos. That'll get them a field goal try. 47? That's cake. The Steelers have a nine-year-plus onside kick drought. Which will continue.


(Broncos 23, Steelers 16)

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Thursday, January 14, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Freezing, Fighting, and Failing

GOOD LORD. That was over when he crossed the 20. His own 20. Supreme blocking by the Chiefs there. The Texans aren't covering kicks well. Oh, a flag. Alex Smith throwing deep? That's new. He missed, though.


Seriously, Hoyer? How do you throw the pass there? Berry would have picked that off if it exploded. Wait, what? The Texans get it right back off the tip and that wasn't the best throw either. The Texans' plan seems to be "Throw it to Hopkins" and that's the best plan they can possibly have. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Did Hoyer run into his own lineman? Oh, it was the other way around. Jeez.




Field goal is good. Somehow it's only 10-0. Still nothing from the Texans' offense? No? OK. Just making sure.


Dude didn't have quite enough speed to reach the edge there. 13-0. Blue breaks off a badly needed big run. Grimes is from somewhere around here. Let's check. Watt AND Wilfork on offense? BOB's gotten desperate. WATT TOOK THE SNAP FROM CENTER. WHAT IS THIS. Then THAT happened.


Wow, Hoyer. That's a place where you're actually better off taking the sack.


They called that a catch? I don't think so. Good challenge, O'Brien. And Hoyer rewards him by throwing up a punt. This is Ryan Lindley-esque. Spencer Ware just trucked two guys. How did that fizzle out?
Oh, right. Grimes went to Paul VI. Now Hoyer's taking time outs two and a half minutes into the third quarter. And then he was lucky to not have THAT pass picked off. Three-yard pass on 3rd and 10? I'd boo too, Houston. I'd boo too.


Alex Smith just outran the entire city of Houston. But it won't count because of offensive holding. What, Gruden? 48-21 in his last... 50? What? Meanwhile, that touchdown pass by Smith could have easily gone the other way. Wait, what happened to Maclin?


And it looks like Watt went out on the same play. Touchdown Ware and this farce needs to end. This is a career-ending performance by Hoyer here. It's not like these picks are tipped or off of bad routes or things like that. He's throwing it right to these guys. It is the Jake Delhomme game again.


It's hard to shut a team out, man. The drought is over! (Chiefs 30, Texans 0)

McCarron was 4 months old? Lord. That's fair catch interference or something. Sweet pooch punt. You don't see those any more. But why in God's name are you punting from your opponent's 38? We got some extracurriculars here? Hit was kinda late, but an assistant coach shoved Nelson, they're saying. He grabbed his arm, but, really?


Is this rain or snow? OK, rain. Couldn't tell on that replay. Fumble! Bengals keep it. 3rd and 23? Let's run it! Grand. Now we have an unsportsmanlike conduct on the Bengals after that sack. FUMBLE. The heck? Wheaton just dropped it. Wait, is that Boomer? That was... odd. Problem at the stadium, it sounds like. That's the worst interception I've seen all day and I watched the first game.
That's uncatchable. Field goal is GOOD and we have points finally. McCarron just barely avoided another bad pick.


The Steelers can't get out of their own way. That's a vicious hit on Wheaton. I know why it was called at full speed.


Good LORD, A.J. I don't think you're any good but are you actually THIS bad? Big run by Hill, which the Bengals needed. Fumble? Oh boy. OH NO. Two fumbles and the Steelers get them both. This is a Steelers touchdown.


Oh, but it's not. They're saying (correctly) that the second fumble wasn't a fumble. And the Steelers still can't get into the end zone.


Great catch by A.J. Green. Uh-oh, Brown got loose. And now the Steelers are barking at Burfict. Touchdown Bryant. Wait, WHAT? He pinned it against his leg, got both feet in, and flipped over!




That feels like game over. Don't understand that 2-point try by Tomlin, but it still feels like game over. That's incomplete. Overturn it! Not the Bengals' best playcalling tonight. But they've got a quarterback who can't throw downfield with any accuracy. Shazier just killed Gio Bernard. Now Jeremy Hill's trying to fight four Steelers. Also, that was a fumble.


(We would find out after the game that this SHOULD have been a penalty.) Shazier will be down there, but it's Steelers ball and this game is definitely over. I think the fans are madder at the hit than the turnover. Thanks for the Burfict warning, Tracy. He's sure to do something moronic in the next five minutes. He just crushed Ben on that sack, so maybe that'll calm him down. We may need Sam Wyche to give a speech at this point. That's the Bengals' second-best play of the night. Ben's out? Wow. And touchdown Bengals at the same time. Oh, Landry Jones is the No. 2 ahead of Vick? That's... interesting.




Did Simms just say "The tables have switched?" That's... not how that goes. Nice diving catch by Eifert. Not sure about this decision. I might have gone for it. Though I think that it's McCarron — who has not been good tonight by any stretch — had a lot to do with it. We just had a false alarm on Roethlisberger, too. Landry does... nothing. That's a clutch return by Pacman and the Bengals suddenly have a chance. 3rd and 1 and you're lining up in an empty backfield? Marvin and Hue are confusing me tonight. Good catch, Marvin Jones. A.J. GREEN!!! TOUCHDOWN BENGALS!!!


Everyone was out of position. Go for two, Marvin. Good job. The hell was that? Then Jones throws a pick to Burfict. Where is he going? Good thing he was down — Nantz just name-checked Jim Marshall. And then the Bengals fumble it right back? Does nobody want to win this game? I don't understand anything any more.


Also, I'm pretty sure I didn't win Powerball — those numbers look nothing like my numbers. I mean, I want Hue Jackson to coach the Eagles next but I haven't liked anything about his game plan tonight. How much arm does Ben have? We honestly don't know.


4th and 3 and you have to go. What do they do? I mean, you have to cover Brown, Bengals. Flag? Flag. Yeah, Burfict went after Brown's head. NOW what? Now another penalty on Adam Jones and the Bengals just cost themselves this game. There's so much to process here.


Why was Steelers assistant Joey Porter on the field? Will Brown be able to play next week? Boomer is LIVID. Bart Scott chastising anyone for playing dirty is pretty rich, if we're being real. Cowher just took a shot at Lewis. Is this the game that gets him fired?


Everything is terrible. (Steelers 18, Bengals 16)

When's the last time any of these dudes were up this early for work? I'm not talking about the players, either.


And ESPECIALLY Al. Bud Grant's still alive?


Wait, Bennett jumped offsides? THAT'S never happened before. That tidbit about his daughter complaining about it was hilarious. That was... well scouted, I'll call it. Sneak on 4th and 1? OK. Hey, it worked.


1485 seems like a low number for the league's leading rusher. Let's look into that, too. That was... also well-scouted. Seahawks guarding against a fake here? And would the Vikings really run one two weeks in a row? Guess not. The Lynch saga this week was odd — seemed fine all week, then ruled out on Saturday morning. Bad snap on the punt! Ryan probably didn't have to try to hurdle three guys to get the first down (and he didn't). Peterson had to fight for that last yard. Looked it up and it's the lowest total for a rushing champion since 2007. Feels like every play is into traffic. Not sure what happened with Wilson there. This is a key spot. First down. Don't challenge this. See? Russ is losing equipment. So Ryan's out to punt again. How does this go? Another low snap but he gets the punt off this time. Thomas just barely caught up to McKinnon to break that pass up. Good fake on the Wilson option run. Delay of game? They've been playing with that fire all day so far. Wait, what? They go for it on 4th and 13 from the Vikings' 30 and throw an underneath route to Fred Jackson? Good job, guys.


Did Al just say "Jeff" Harbaugh? Pass interference? That's the biggest play of this game. And it'll all be for naught. That's grounding, not a fumble. Baldwin!! Someone forgot to block Floyd. Now it's 4th and 3 and everybody's convoluted. This game ending 3-0 is legitimately in play, isn't it?


Especially after that interception. That late hit on Bridgewater helps no one. Well, except the Vikings. Kick is good. Now the Seahawks' offensive line is getting exposed again.


And then they commit a horse-collar on the punt return. I don't think they want to win this game. Crucial catch by Diggs on 3rd and short. The Seahawks came after that field goal attempt but didn't quite get there. 9-0 and it feels like it's over. Oh wow. They just showed the replay of the field goal and it was closer than even I thought it was. Bad snap... and Wilson tries to salvage it, and finds Lockett completely open and he gets to the Vikings' 4.


Touchdown Baldwin and it's a game all of a sudden. Then Peterson fumbles! Seahawks ball! Chancellor took it out of his hands. And the Seahawks cash in with a field goal and take the lead. The Vikings needed to not go three-and-out on this drive. Wilson was lucky that wasn't intercepted. The Seahawks have turned it up another notch defensively on this series.
Was that a catch? No? Wouldn't have mattered anyway because of the holding call. They got Chancellor for pass interference? Hey, a Kyle Rudolph sighting!


Al: "Well, we finally got to zero. I told you it was gonna warm up today." LOL at the Vikings acting like Peterson got that first down. He wasn't even close. Here comes the kick. NO GOOD!!










And it wasn't even close! My God. (Seahawks 10, Vikings 9)





Too many patterns, Pereira. Too. Many. Patterns. The Packers have a center playing left tackle this week? Good Lord. That's a false start on that dude. Safety! This is how it's gonna be, isn't it? I see Desean's already pissing people off. Jordan Reed is a mismatch against what's left of this defense. Great, now Desean's got reason to run his mouth. Or not. No touchdown.


Oh, NOW the Packers are gonna make a stand? Well then. SO just a field goal. Oh, boy, Rodgers. Missed Cobb by a mile.
It really seems like the Packers' defense is going to have to win this game for them.
Number 10? I doubt RG3's on the punt team, stripes. Reed just saved Cousins from an interception and possibly a deficit. Reed destroyed the seam on that touchdown. Is that a "USA!" chant? Morons. Missed extra point! We got an elevener, guys!


Hey, the Packers got a first down finally. Feels like James Jones has saved this offense at times. Cobb is the Packers' leading rusher. The Packers caught the Redskins scrambling and Rodgers found Cobb for the touchdown.


This kickoff holder story and Aikman saying he never held on kicks reminds me that Jay Novacek was actually the holder for those Cowboys teams. There's Garcon down the middle. Yeah, this Redskins offensive line has done a good job protecting Cousins. Jinx? Jinx! Packers get the fumble. Good play by the WR-turned-CB on the Redskins to break that up. Crosby's kick is good. 11-10.
He was down anyway. This two-minute drill is going well for the Packers so far. Pot Roast and Baker were teammates in high school? That's kind of cool actually. Good time for Adams to actually hold on to a pass. Whoa, how'd Adams get that open in the end zone? Packers lead because the Redskins are vulnerable on the back end. We're doing tackle-eligibles on the first play of the second half, Redskins? You're only down one; no need to panic. Cousins hasn't missed on this drive, which is kind of remarkable and exactly what the Redskins need right now. Third down quarterback keeper? OK. Touchdown Redskins. The Packers, at the very least, are getting into short yardage situations on later downs. Don't challenge this spot. DON'T. Good. Lacy just got 11 yards on 4th and 1 and that was big. The next 30 yards he just got were even bigger. Touchdown Starks and the Packers lead again. Another thing I'll have to look up is how many of Lacy's best games this season were called by Buck and Aikman. (Well, at least three and maybe four of the five times he broke 85 yards rushing, Buck and Aikman were on the call.) The Packers aren't even pretending they haven't switched gears. And the Redskins can't stop it. Starks. More Starks. Lacy. Touchdown. Odd time for a "Go Pack Go" chant. This may not even be reviewable. Tough last couple of plays for Randall. First Reed falls on him and then he gets wiped out by his teammate going for the interception. Did Reed stop short on that 3rd down attempt or did Cousins misfire? No matter.


Yeah, we haven't heard Desean's name at all since the first quarter. Cousins gets sacked on 4th and 10 and that'll put this on ice. This was a hard 35. Don't fret, Kirk. You're about to become ridiculously overpaid.


Meanwhile, if the Packers can keep this up, they may have a chance after all. (Packers 35, Redskins 18)

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Friday, January 8, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Staking Claims

Signal Finder: PIT @ CLE, PHI @ NYG, BAL @ CIN (end), SD @ DEN, SEA @ AZ

Steelers already out here screwing up. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Gumbel: "Either the review was a relatively quick one..." It was... pretty obvious, Greg. Then the Browns almost give it back because, well, you know. Then they go for it on 4th and 5, which is fine. But they didn't make it. Let the Antonio Brown Show begin again. Traffic! It took Ben forever to find an open guy. He still didn't, but Miller caught it anyway for the touchdown. Oh, Browns. More penalties.


Meanwhile in Buffalo, that's the second rushing touchdown the Jets have allowed to a quarterback this season. It's their third total this season.
A missed field goal?
Meanwhile, in Buffalo, the Jets are choking like dogs.


Snow? I haven't seen any yet. Meanwhile, in Buffalo, touchdown Brandon Marshall.
Anonymous Browns receiver catches the ball at the marker, slips the defender and falls down at the same time. Fortunately, he got the first down. And the Browns still can't find the end zone. They're still not playing any defense, either. Brown is lighting them up. I mean, he does that, but still. Oh, there's the snow.
Wait, Terrelle Pryor just caught a pass? And it was a good catch! (Although Antwan Blake is terrible and has been all season.) The Browns are allergic to touchdowns.
Interception by the Browns! This linebacker's making moves like Barry Sanders and the Steelers can't tackle him. This is why Mike Pettine's getting fired: Calls a drop-back pass on 2nd down and goal after a good first-down run. Then Davis throws an interception RIGHT to James Harrison. The Steelers still haven't reached their own 20? LOL THEY HAVE NOW. The only reason DHB didn't score was because he's not as fast as he used to be.
Another bad 3rd down pass by the Browns. And now they're kicking a field goal?
Meanwhile, touchdown Eric Decker and the Jets are within two.
Davis just fumbled. Steelers ball. And they score immediately. Seems like an odd time to go for two but OK. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. (I normally don't say it twice during the same game but the Browns just fumbled the kickoff return.)
Looks like Fitz threw an interception into the end zone. That's the second one this quarter? And Davis throws another interception to officially end this farce. What a joke of a franchise.




Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick's officially turned back into a pumpkin — that's his third interception THIS QUARTER. Trent Green makes a good point — does anyone there know the Bills have won yet? They know now. crosses off Jets (Steelers 28, Browns 12; Bills 22, Jets 17; Dolphins 20, Patriots 10)

Everything we've seen today indicates that this is Coughlin's last game, which... it should be. Murray just ran for 54 yards, doubling his season total.


Oh, happy birthday, Eli. That should have been intentional grounding. The Eagles are single covering Beckham with E.J. Biggers because they're down two corners. A screen pass in the end zone? Really, Pat Shurmur? That's the 700th dropped pass by an Eagles receiver this season. How many carries does Vereen have? (57 to 53 catches at this moment.) Eli throws a fade to Myles White on 2nd and goal from the 5. Ertz! And he's still going! Sproles just found the edge.


This is just like last year's game: Nobody wants to be here and it's obvious. SACK BY MARCUS SMITH. SHUT IT DOWN. Then apparently Bradford threw an interception. I'm not really watching this game. Touchdown Will Tye, who embarrassed Kendricks, who's also had a bad year. We're headed for 45-42, aren't we?


Nice coverage on Matthews. There's another rare Vereen carry. That's good coverage by Biggers. THAT? Not so much. Bad challenge, Coughlin. Wait, a Murray fumble set up that Giants touchdown? Christ. He's barely had a better year than I've had. So who moved? The Giants, I guess. That's an ugly-looking pass that got intercepted and run back for a touchdown. Oh, Barwin tipped it out of Eli's hand? Fine. Why are the Giants punting? Why? Agholor and McBride crashed at about the 3-yard line after that run. Remember, the Giants are basically out of safeties with the Meriwether injury (McBride's a corner replacing him.) Touchdown Matthews. Why is Moose talking about Craig Dahl like he doesn't suck? LOL at Moose talking about an Eagles pick-6 as "vintage Tom Coughlin." The man deserves better than that. So does whatever new audience just got switched to this game, of all games. Nicks just dropped about a 40-yard pass. The Giants should also fire their GM, if we're being real. And we try to. (Eagles 35, Giants 30)

Seriously, FOX, why? Why you bring us here? I wonder if the Ravens know their efforts last week were all for naught. Fucking END, game. (Bengals 24, Ravens 16)

Meanwhile, Jerry must have given the Cowboys the day off. Or at least the first 75 minutes of real time. (Redskins 34, Cowboys 23)



Congratulations, Brian Hoyer, I suppose. Also, what a ridiculous comedown for the Falcons. (Texans 30, Jaguars 6; Saints 20, Falcons 17)

Consider the case of Chuck Pagano. Wins eight games (including today with Josh Freeman and Ryan Lindley as his quarterbacks) with a horribly constructed roster overseen by a bottom-5 GM, loses his franchise quarterback after he was having a terrible season, and goes 3-2 with one of the last three guys from the 1998 draft. As for the Titans, I hope Joey Bosa likes country music. (Colts 30, Titans 24)

Touchdown Broncos. Yes, right off the top. Second play. Really, Sanders? Big gain like that and then you give the ball away at the end?


Good catch by Thomas. Then Osweiler throws an interception. Another Broncos turnover? Jeez. The No. 1 seed's on the line, guys! The Broncos still have problems up front, which isn't helping Osweiler at all.


Then Simms answers his own question about putting Peyton in. Not behind this line, I wouldn't.
BLOCKED PUNT SAFETY IN KANSAS CITY. 16-10 Chiefs.
Anderson FUMBLES to start the second half. FIVE TURNOVERS. How are the Broncos winning this game? Aside from his own fumble, none of these turnovers have been Osweiler's fault, which is why I don't get this. Me, two sentences back: "How are the Broncos winning this game?" Well, thanks to a great one-handed catch by Gates, they aren't anymore. SOUND THE ALARMS.




That's a good run by Anderson. And there's another one for a touchdown. Did Peyton audible that? Well, that isn't. But this is. Wait, THIS isn't either? Good Lord. FINALLY. Jebus.


Hey, the Chargers are coming back! Nice coverage by the Broncos on absolutely nobody. The Chargers are bringing in receivers off the street. I assume this dude just wasn't scouted. Is it just me or has Peyton not actually completed that many passes? Yet everyone's playing better. Intangibles! Not sure what happened on that Rivers interception, whether the ball just sailed on him or the receiver didn't see it. So much rushing. Touchdown Hillman. Peyton only completed five passes? Huh. Godspeed, Charles Woodson. (Broncos 27, Chargers 20; Chiefs 23, Raiders 17)

That's the best run Christine Michael's ever had in the NFL. (The "e" is silent, FYI.) Hey, a Bryce Brown sighting. Can you slide into the end zone? I don't think this is a touchdown. Carroll's gonna lose this challenge. And the Seahawks score anyway. That was a weird interception. What, did they miss an interference call? Arians is angry.


Fitzgerald! Touchdown! Blocked extra point? Kid's missed five this year? Cut him. Yeah, it's been a weird path that led Michael back to Seattle. The Seahawks seem pissed off after last week. Touchdown Tukuafu and it's 17-6. Palmer's out here breaking Neil Lomax records? Jeez. And Aikman makes the good point that you'd have thought Warner got a few of those. Literally everyone thought that punt return was coming back. Either Sherman's a great actor or that happened much earlier in the play than when they threw the flag. And the Seahawks score immediately. Wait, did I miss a score? How'd the Seahawks get to 30? Christ. I don't know why Palmer threw that. There was no way it was getting through. If I'm the Cardinals I bench everyone at halftime. There's no reason to risk a disastrous injury.


Bad miss by Hauschka. Even worse miss by Catanzaro.


And Stanton's warming up. Right call, Cardinals. I wouldn't keep Wilson out there much longer, to be honest — the Seahawks have even less at stake. (Seahawks 36, Cardinals 6)

Meanwhile, the Rams and 49ers are in overtime, because this sport hates us.


Well then. (49ers 19, Rams 16, OT)

"Frozen tundra? That's redundant!" Costas is ornery tonight. The Packers' entire O-line being on the injury report is hilarious and sad. So Sitton's gotta play tackle for the first time ever tonight. If the Packers win, we get a rematch. If the Vikings win, the Seahawks come back here and the Packers go to Washington. FAKE PUNT! Oh, it was a direct snap to the up man. I was thinking, "Damn, this punter's got some wheels."


That's the second deep ball Bridgewater's overthrown on this drive. The Packers are starting two rookie corners, which is unheard of. "Stupid Girl" by Garbage is a solid, deep reference because the non-Shirley Manson members of that band are from Wisconsin. I have no idea what's happening here. So... completion, no fumble. OK. Not sure why Bridgewater threw a seven-yard pass on 3rd and 10. And now I have no idea what Zimmer's thinking. Apparently nothing. OK. So after all that, they're going to punt. Cobb got stopped really short. 19 on the Vikings has been the only guy to do anything on offense. First the fake punt and now this. Touchdown Peterson, who's got the rushing title locked up. Collinsworth knows the guy who does the Derby odds? That perked Al right up, I'm sure. Sick interception by Micah Hyde. And that replay showed us HOW sick. Backhanded?! And Bridgewater pulled an Eli and threw it with his left hand. He'll learn not to do that. Then THIS happens. The "empty hand"? I'm not sure I've heard of this. And yeah, Rodgers took off the other way immediately. What a bizarre sequence. So fumble and touchdown Vikings and I'm gonna need an explanation for this one. This game feels like it's over. Deep ball to Jones! So maybe not? Packers pretty much have to go for this 4th and 4 here. Cobb! The Rodgers connection hooks up for a touchdown. Wait, Peterson's out? Rodgers is doing this mostly by himself at this point. Crosby hits and it's a 7-point game. Patterson just got the ball knocked out of his hands by MASON CROSBY. He has to retire now, right? There's no coming back from that. Cobb! Jones! Kuhn with hops! How Rodgers didn't get sacked I'll never know. Somebody screwed up and the Packers have to waste a time out. Mike McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen! INTERCEPTION. FUMBLE? Thank God for Peterson, who's back in the game. So the Packers will get the ball back after all.


They converted 4th and 8 and then Cobb got out of bounds on the next play. He's still inbounds! And it's 4th down, so the Packers can't spike it! Hail Mary up... Hail Mary down. Here's the other improbable thing this sets up:  Kirk Cousins as a probable favorite in a playoff game... against Aaron Rodgers. (Vikings 20, Packers 13)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (15-1) — Back on the proverbial horse
2. Arizona (13-3) — Ran into angry Seahawks at wrong and right time
3. New England (12-4) — Seem to get exposed more every week
4. Denver (12-4) — Now what, Kubiak?

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (4-12) — Another close call that went the other way
30. San Francisco (4-12) — Seriously, this is their own fault
31. Tennessee (3-13) — Here's your clock
32. Cleveland (3-13) — That was inevitable, I suppose
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