Saturday, December 18, 2010

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Rated NC-17

We were supposed to get Giants-Vikings before the METRODOME BROKE. I'm guessing Bucs-Redskins instead. Wait, this is an indoor stadium...

Signal Finder: GB @ DET, CIN@ PIT, OAK @ JAX (end), ATL @ CAR (end), MIA @ NYJ

There is absolutely nothing I can say about the first half of this game. Nothing. Even the play that Rodgers suffered the concussion on wasn't all that exciting or violent or controversial. If this game ends 3-0 I'm taking hostages. If this game ends 7-3 I may still take hostages. Really, Mike McCarthy? Fourth and 1 with over a minute left and you call an all-or-nothing bomb? All right, no hostage-taking. The life has seeped out of me after sitting through this. Jay: "Good Lord, what a suckfest that was." (Lions 7, Packers 3)

I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that the Buccaneers themselves lost a game in that exact fashion back in the bad old days. (Buccaneers 17, Redskins 16)

Lede I Probably Couldn't Get Away With: "Over 1,600 flights in and out of Chicago were adversely affected by the weekend's blizzard. Unfortunately for the Bears, Air Brady was not among them." I'm not sure who took a worse beating this weekend: the Bears or Josh Koscheck. (Patriots 36, Bears 7)

I know the weather's not helping matters in the slightest but can I get one decently-played game today? Just one? Wait, did I just see that right? Are you kidding me? Wow. Stay classy, Jets coaching staff. I need to know who this Cameron Wake character is and why it seems he has three sacks in every Dolphins game I've seen this season. Last chance for the Jets and... yeah. Sanchez needs a hug. A look at the box score shows that the Jets had 31 rushes, and yet it seems like their running game has disappeared over the last month. I don't know. (Dolphins 10, Jets 6)

The Giants' plane got stranded in Kansas City. Apparently the Chiefs were also on it. (Chargers 31, Chiefs 0)

This afternoon's games have collectively set the sport back about 20 years. And letting the kicker score the other team's first 22 points — including scoring a touchdown on a fake where nobody laid a hand on him — was the radioactive cherry on top of this landfill of a sundae. (Cardinals 43, Broncos 13)

Let's try to stop the bleeding, gentlemen. That's twice in four weeks. At some point teams are going to have to start saying to themselves, "The first play might be a bomb." That's a good start. You rarely see Reid INSANE WITH ANGER like that but he's wrong here — Vick was still inbounds. Todd Herremans? Todd Herremans! I'm not sure what Vick had in mind when he threw that pass right to Sensabaugh. This is quite a contrast from the last time the Cowboys were on SNF and they just laid down and died. Did Maclin really let that one go right through his hands? That's not good. Somebody got blown up on that screen and the Cowboys are ahead. Then McCoy comes back with a run that about three Cowboys get blown up on. Vick's taking a beating tonight and yet we're tied again. Jackson brought that one all the way across the field without losing any speed. Holy crap! Scandrick almost ran him down. I had no idea he was that fast. He's a terrible cornerback but he almost got him. Oh, DeSean. You're such a jackass sometimes. But I can't completely hate you for this one because it's against the Cowboys and Terence Newman was standing right next to you and didn't do a damn thing. Then the Eagles get it back when Kitna fires off a throw with a man in his face and Roy Williams stumbles. How do you let Jon Kitna run for 10 yards on 4th and 8? How? Jason Witten getting free and scoring a touchdown? That makes sense; that happens all the time. A penalty on a touchback? That's a new one. I don't quite understand throwing a pass there. McCoy is chewing up the Cowboys' run defense at the most opportune time. THAT'S how you run the four-minute drill! Nice work. The Vick-Choice autograph thing was just... strange. (Eagles 30, Cowboys 27)

Clearly, the Giants need a better travel coordinator. Why would you leave three hours early to try to beat a storm that hit the night before? Gates: "Honestly, the only way this Vikings' season is going to get any weirder is if a UFO shows up over the Cities and starts abducting players. But, hey, there are still three weeks after this." And... the streak is over. Sign of the times: it was confirmed on a Tweet from the Vikings' equipment manager. Oh, there's a game. Well, the Giants actually won in Minnesota for once, so that's something, I guess. (Giants 21, Vikings 3)

Memo to the Ravens: Upgrade at cornerback. You can't give up two 95+ yard drives in one game, especially with your defense's reputation. You just can't. I'm pretty sure that two-point conversion pass was intended for Johnson but good on Jones for not dropping it. Oh my God. After all that, Schaub gives it away by throwing a slant to nobody. That may have been the worst pass of the year. The Ravens almost look apologetic. (Ravens 34, Texans 28, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

Jacksux 7 (6-8, L1): Well, no playoffs for us.

RANKINGS

TOP 4
1. New England (11-2) — Neither snow nor cold nor Monsters of Midway...
2. Pittsburgh (10-3) — Just doing business
3. Atlanta (11-2) — See above
4. New Orleans (10-3) — Look who's won six in a row

BOTTOM 4
29. Arizona (4-9) — Even so...
30. Cincinnati (2-11) — Three more weeks, Marvin... three more weeks
31. Denver (3-10) — To be fair, who saw Peyton Hillis blowing up like this?
32. Carolina (1-12) — *taps out*

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