By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 7: Day of Destruction

Signal Finder: MIN @ PIT, NE vs. TB @ Wembley, ATL @ DAL, NO @ MIA (end)

Well, one longtime power got upset today; can another one be far behind? Um... no. I should really be having fish and chips while sitting through this. I'm disappointed in myself. Hey, a Josh Freeman sighting. Yeah, it looks like it's time. (Patriots 35, Buccaneers 7)

This is playing out the way it probably should be playing out so far. Aaaaaand the Vikings' defense is collapsing at the end of a half again. I'M MIKE WALLACE. As soon as he caught it I knew he was going in. Favre seems to be targeting Rice to the exclusion of all others. I don't love the play calling down here. You have the best back in the league; I think you have to run it at least twice. One play-action pass is fine, but two pass plays? Dubious. Rice didn't catch that? I thought he caught that. Oh, there we go. Wait, what? And it's LaMarr Woodley and six of his closest friends. I still haven't seen the play where the alleged tripping occurred so I won't pass judgment. It's not over, though – here comes Percy Harvin with the kickoff. And it's definitely not over after Mendenhall fumbled while trying to jump over one of his linemen. Harvin's shoulder's going to be a problem all season. Didn't we JUST see this? Yeah, that'll be that. You gotta catch that, Taylor. (Steelers 27, Vikings 17)

There's another aspect of the Browns' quarterback situation that no one seems to have brought up: Mangini inherited both of these guys and might not actually like either of them. (Packers 31, Browns 3)

Speaking of quarterbacks, looks like it's Round 2 for Alex Smith. (Texans 24, 49ers 21)

If I'm a Cowboys defender I think long and hard about trying to make a stop on third down sometime during this drive. Or... not. Whatever. It's mind-boggling how little they've gotten out of Roy Williams. I thought he was going to be better than Fitzgerald coming out of college and he's dropped two of the easiest catches ever. Seriously, PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Actually, that hadn't been a problem for the Falcons until today. Hey it's that Miles Austin guy again. He went to Monmouth? How about that. The Cowboys should be throwing down the field with the Falcons' pass defense issues. Boy, this turned around in a hurry. (Cowboys 37, Falcons 21)

The thing is, Cedric Benson has either forgotten or just doesn't realize that all the things he got bashed for while he was with the Bears... were true. And that's what makes this somehow even more compelling. We were trying to think of another player whose career improved after voluntarily joining the Bengals. The best we could do was Jon Kitna when he was the starter in Carson Palmer's rookie year. Also, Jay Cutler was bad today. But he wasn't playing defense. Although... (Bengals 45, Bears 10)

James Brown: “What is JaMarcus Russell missing?” The Rest Of The NFL Today Crew: start laughing And if “Bruce Gradkowski” is the answer, I don't want to know what the question is. (Jets 38, Raiders 0)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Bills 20, Panthers 9

So is Boldin playing or not? The visor's usually not a good sign. Oh, all right then. Is Wells really still going by 'Beanie'? Come on; you're a grown man and 'Chris' is a fine name. Um... OOPS. That certainly wasn't DRC's intent. Are the Cardinals ahead here? Wow. They've never had any real success in the Meadowlands (or anywhere, really.) I'm half-paying attention because of Game 6 but every time I look up the Cardinals have the ball. What happened to the Giants? I never thought they'd lose two in a row, and certainly not these two. And just as important: are the Cardinals, of all teams, trying to break the curse? They are back in first place. (Cardinals 24, Giants 17)

That's more like it. People were actually up in arms last week that the Eagles traded Brandon Gibson to get Witherspoon. Yes, really. I hope those two plays silenced their concerns. G-56! (Obligatory Bingo reference.) Did they forget to cover Jackson again? He was ridiculously open there. Oh, that's not good. I wasn't really paying attention at first and thought it was Westbrook's brother who was down because 'Brian' and 'Byron' sound ridiculously alike. Cooley's down? Wow. The Redskins' offense is basically dead now – he's their best player at this point. This is depressing to watch in a way. I mean, I didn't think the Redskins would be good this year, but I had no idea their offense would be this bad. Like the Raiders, they can play a little defense but they can't move the ball at all. It's one thing to hear about it, but quite another to see it. (Eagles 27, Redskins 17)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (4-3, L1): A weird game from Drew Brees (Three interceptions? Two rushing touchdowns?) and Hines Ward and Willie Parker not even getting me a point combined led me to get stomped by 52 by Hijo Atomicoooo~! Fun fact: Two of my running backs have all but lost their starting jobs.

JackSux6 (5-2, W1): Halfway through the schedule and we're in first place by ourselves after beating the Lunatics in a first-place showdown.

Lincoln Continentals (6-1, W4): Welcome back, Wes Welker. Not that you really went anywhere, but still.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (6-0) – At halftime, I said, “They have the offense to come back” and they did

2. Indianapolis (6-0) – Seems like they're under the radar, which I'm sure they're OK with

3. Denver (6-0) – Players actually didn't want week off, and who can blame them?

4. Minnesota (6-1) – A slight tumble

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (2-5) – Worse when you see it live

30. Tampa Bay (0-7) – Clearly not used to flying east

31. St. Louis (0-7) – At least they held Peyton under 300 yards. “LET'S BUILD ON THAT!”

32. Cleveland (1-6) – Not exactly swimming in options

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Listening to: Bitter:Sweet - The Mating Game
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 6: Lines of Demarcation

Signal Finder: BAL @ MIN, BUF @ NYJ, PHI @ OAK

So who's the Redskins' backup quarterback? It's still Todd Collins? Yeesh. (Chiefs 14, Redskins 6)

What's happened to the Ravens' defense? Seems like they've lost some teeth with Rex and Bart Scott leaving maybe. After sputtering at the start, the Ravens' offense is getting something going thanks to some random Vikings foolishness. This may actually be Favre's best game so far – I haven't seen a truly horrible throw yet. And now the Ravens are getting some big-time plays – Ray Rice seems to be putting nails into Willis McGahee's coffin by the week. We also learned on that play that there are only about six guys left in the league who can tackle. I mean, the Ravens aren't supposed to score points that quickly. Childress needs to be yelling at his defense, which has been embarrassed on three touchdown drives today. Jebus. Drive safely, everybody. Are you kidding me? That one never had a chance. (Vikings 33, Ravens 31)

The Lions in Lambeau? Yeah, whatever. (Packers 26, Lions 0)

I'm very upset that I didn't get to see this one. The really impressive stat from this game to me: the Giants didn't sack Brees once. They didn't even get close to him. And when a guy's got all day to throw and all those guys to throw to, you can't cover them all forever. That's just math. (Saints 48, Giants 27)

Russell drops back and that's a recipe for disaster. Although this one wasn't his fault. I just saw that, didn't I? Ouch! Murphy just took out two guys and Miller just followed the blocks all the way to the end zone. This is how it happens. The Raiders just got jobbed out of another touchdown – that wasn't pass interference at all. Winston Justice is looking at what's happening to King Dunlap and having flashbacks. You know who's good is Zach Miller. You know who's really good is Richard Seymour. How many more guys are the Eagles going to lose? How about that pigeon just chilling on the field? The Eagles are just getting punched in the mouth repeatedly, and yet I still feel like there's something big coming. You know that tension you feel when you're filling up a balloon and you feel like it's going to pop, but it doesn't? It's kind of like that. I mean, they'll win this game if they manage to score a touchdown. But that's not going to happen, is it. I also blame Antonio Pierce. I'm glad John Madden enjoyed this one. Because I didn't. (Raiders 13, Eagles 9)

I was going to say “Looks like the Jets came crashing back to Earth” but that'd be wildly inappropriate. I feel like nobody really wanted to win this game. (Bills 16, Jets 13, OT)

This... this... I think I used up all the words I had to describe this when it was happening every week two years ago. Driving in to work, I picked this game up on the radio just before halftime and the announcers were talking about how just about everyone on the Titans had made a crippling mistake. Then the punter shanked one off his foot and it went about six yards. Can the Pats take a knee to start the second half? Is anybody else watching at this point? Is there precedent for the away market to get switched to a different game? Because no one in Tennessee needs to see any more of this. Maybe Vince Young can play defense. (Patriots 59, Titans 0)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Any Tennessee Titan; 2-4. Jim Zorn; 5-15. A member of the Chargers' kick coverage units; 16. Dante Wesley (Seriously, you can't do that.)

Fisticuffs! You heard? And clearly the Broncos are still angry over their Week 17 chokeout here last year that led to everything that's happened. I'm not sure Royal was touched on that kickoff return. Were his feet inbounds? looks closer All right, I'll take it. Is this off a punt? You're kidding me, right? The Chargers should sign the pigeon from the Raiders game. Or just have Sproles try doing the same thing. I'm getting that same feeling again I had for the Eagles game where it could break at any moment. Wait, they called that a touchdown? I don't think so. I'd like to join the crow-eating hordes now, please. (Broncos 34, Chargers 23)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-2, W2): Brees is back, putting up 39 for the aPa Seagulls this week as we just held on to beat Scott by a little more than a point.

JackSux 6 (4-2, L1): Despite getting 32 from Wes Welker and having everyone score in double digits, I still lost because Russ got 36 from Moss and 26 from Hines Ward to beat me by seven.

Lincoln Continentals (5-1, W3): You tend to like your chances when you're playing a team with a baseball-related name.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (5-0) – Why, yes, this was a statement game. Why do you ask?

2. Indianapolis (5-0) – Recharging the batteries

3. Denver (6-0) – Anyone who saw this coming is LYING

4. Minnesota (6-0) – A little luck never hurts

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (2-4) – Once-proud franchise now national punchline

30. Tampa Bay (0-6) – Lost to those guys

31. St. Louis (0-6) – Getting closer? Probably not

32. Cleveland (1-5) – You know it's bad when Rolling Stone is taking shots at you

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 5: The Worst of the Best

UFL notes: These are some of the worst color schemes I've ever seen. ... In case you were wondering, J.P. Losman still isn't all that good. ... Overtime rules: each team gets one possession, then it becomes sudden death. They're getting closer. ... How about Kordell Stewart as a sideline reporter interviewing Denzel Washington? That's about ten different streams crossing there. Also, Denzel will be the most famous person on any UFL field for at least three years.

Signal Finder: TB @ PHI, PIT @ DET (end), CLE @ BUF (end), NE @ DEN

Would this qualify as a trap game? I'm not sure because Andy's never lost this one. Besides, what would the trap be? Going to Oakland next week? Please. Welcome to the show, Mr. Maclin. I don't recognize any of these people playing for the Buccaneers. This Johnson guy's got a good arm on him. Too bad he doesn't have anyone besides the Soldier to catch balls. Sure, why not. You're 0-4 and going to suck all year probably. CAN WE GET A STOP ONE TIME. Oh, OK. What? Eh, if you say so. Let's go down and get the touchdown anyway. In addition to Al Davis, I'd also like to thank the Cleveland Browns for allowing us the services of Jeremy Maclin. Seriously, you don't think the Browns could've used him? Back to the present: how will the Bucs not score this time? Never mind. Where's the ball? OMG. The left tackle? This could get comedically disastrous. I think Samuel just bounced off him. Well, so much for that. The Eagles really are blitzing this kid like it's going out of style, and rightly so, probably. The Bucs have been getting killed by the big play all year, and today was no exception. (Eagles 33, Buccaneers 14)

Here's the thing: Normally when a key player's status is in question, there won't be a line on the game. Eli was listed as questionable all week and the Giants were still favored by 15. I don't expect Eli to be in very long. LOL at Boomer's “we're contractually obligated to show these highlights” line. (Giants 44, Raiders 7)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: It's like I'm looking at a bad team and a better version of the same bad team. If that makes any sense. Are the Chiefs actually ahead here? Cowboys fans have been talking up Miles Austin for about four years while the rest of us waited for him to actually do something. He'd become the Houston Texans of individual players. And he finally came through today. Though it should not have come to that. (Cowboys 26, Chiefs 20, OT)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Browns 6, Bills 3

Wait, are the Browns playing again? What are those things? They really are going all out with the AFL tribute thing, especially with the Patriots calling themselves “Boston” for this game. I do like the hat on that one Broncos' PR guy. That pass hit Welker right in the back. I just noticed that the Patriots have not scored since halftime. Brandon Marshall does it again! See, this is how you get paid. You see the benefits of shutting up and playing? Wow, Brady missed Moss big-time there. He's had bad games before just like everybody else, but I don't ever remember him being so inconsistent. Oooovertime. This isn't a lock. Well, now it is. So instead of a brief, awkward hug that would have been psychoanalyzed to death by the woefully under-qualifiedd, Belichick and McDaniels agreed to just give each other a courtesy wave afterwards, and now McDaniels is in the end zone doing his best Tiger Woods impression. What a bizarre game. (Broncos 20, Patriots 17, OT)

Seriously, it's high time for Vince Young, Round 2, isn't it? I mean, it's not Kerry Collins's fault, but this season's over. (Colts 31, Titans 9)

Hey, a Marc Anthony sighting. Gloria Estefan still looks good, by the way. Is that Ricky Williams going off? Edwards is playing? Interesting. Fake punt~~~~~ Okay, how do you fall for it the second time? Chad Henne is picking the Jets' defense apart, and that's not a sentence I expected to write this year. Nice catch by Edwards, who's fitting in well so far despite the fact that he's down at the 1 here. SPEED! Can't anybody here hold a lead? I'm sorry, that's not pass interference. This certainly isn't the game I was expecting to see. What's crazy about this is that the Ravens defense – which Rex was in charge of – completely squashed the Wildcat in their playoff game last year. Why is Rex still looking at the clock? TOUCHDOWN. (Dolphins 31, Jets 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-2, W1): Sure, Carson Palmer had a lousy game. But you know who didn't? Ronnie Brown. The Vikings' defense. And Andre Johnson (Desperation fourth-quarter touchdowns~~~~).

JackSux 6 (4-1, W1): That's better. Peyton basically only needed to show up for me to beat Rob. And he did – to the tune of three more touchdowns and over 41 points.

Lincoln Continentals (4-1, W2): Won again despite leaving 68 points on the bench in Ahmad Bradshaw and Glen Coffee, of all people.

RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Giants (5-0) – Big test next week

2. New Orleans (4-0) – Rested and ready for G-Men

3. Indianapolis (5-0) – Seriously, Peyton can't be stopped right now

4. Minnesota (5-0) – Favre might be right about his “best team ever” comment

BOTTOM 4:

29. Tampa Bay (0-5) – Things might get better eventually

30. Kansas City (0-5) – Had a chance, but just aren't good enough

31. St. Louis (0-5) – This... this is gonna take a while

32. Cleveland (0-5) – Clearly a seller's market

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 4: Aged Like Fine Cheese

Signal Finder: NYG @ KC, NYJ @ NO, DAL @ DEN

If you have NFL RedZone, you could have heard this: Rich Gannon questioned the Bengals calling time out before their game-winning field goal attempt, saying “That leaves just enough time for the Browns' Joshua Cribbs to run the kickoff back for a touchdown.” Oh really? Mr. Gannon, I believe you know Mr. McNabb and Mr. Ward; have a seat. We... have something to discuss. (Bengals 23, Browns 20, OT)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I mean, it's bad enough that you're a terrible team. You can't do THAT. It's almost as if the two Steve Smiths switched bodies or something. I see the Chiefs haven't gotten any faster. Or stronger, as Jacobs just ran over three guys. What the heck was Eli jumping for? The play before the touchdown pass to Nicks (which he had no business scoring on, by the way) he jumps before pump-faking again and missing Smith, then he reaches down and grabs his foot. Why did he jump? Who knows. The Chiefs' playcalling down here is pretty atrocious. How did THAT work? Not only did the protection completely fall apart and Cassel almost got taken down twice, but Wade and the other guy almost collided. If they had, it would have seemed... somehow appropriate. (Giants 27, Chiefs 16)

Butch: “Did Steve McNair's girlfriend put a bullet in the whole goddamn franchise? WTF?” Seriously, does what's happened here make any sense? Albert Haynesworth wasn't that important, was he? crosses off Titans (Jaguars 37, Titans 17)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Redskins 16, Buccaneers 13

Why don't the Broncos have their name or logo or something in the end zones? Nobody else plays there. The Cowboys sure are doing a good job of letting the Broncos hang around. I mean, can Romo overthrow any more receivers? OOOOH. Roy got lit up by whoever that was. OK, let's break down the Marshall touchdown: He jumps over Newman's back and picks the ball off his head. Then he turns and runs across the field into the rest of the Cowboys' secondary. He breaks a tackle, then reverses field and outruns five guys to the end zone. Look, I know Hurd made that big catch for you earlier, but why are you throwing to him twice down by the end zone? With Champ Bailey covering him, no less? Isn't that why you people pay Jason Witten? Champ's still got it. (Broncos 17, Cowboys 10)

Ah, the classic matchup. That's how Darren Sharper rolls. Remember how I said the Saints' defense only needed to be better than last year's for them to be dangerous? Well, this Saints' defense is better than last year's, and the classic matchup has been reversed. Sanchez looks like a guy with four career starts, but you knew this was going to happen at some point. (Saints 24, Jets 10)

I'm going to condense all of the analysis, both good and bad, you've heard about this game down into 10 words: You know why the Steelers won? Because they had to. (Steelers 38, Chargers 28)

Here's the other thing: Favre going into Lambeau in Vikings purple is – legitimately – a much, MUCH bigger deal than this. You know who hasn't done much so far is Adrian Peterson. And that won't help the cause. Someone please explain to me why the Packers, of all teams, aren't rushing Favre. You'd think they'd know better than anyone else how to mess with his timing and consistency. Seriously, they're practically daring him to beat them and he's doing it. Conversely, Rodgers is getting crushed out there and it's surprising that the Packers are still sort of in this game despite that. Playing the role of Mark Clayton tonight will be... Donald Lee. Most bizarre replay challenge ever? I say yes. Favre: “Well, I guess you gotta be remembered for something.” This game ended up being the most-watched cable program in history, and when you consider it knocked the likes of "High School Musical 2" from the top spot, is that really the worst thing in the world? (Vikings 30, Packers 23)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (2-2, L2): Johnny beat me on the strength of 39 points from the 49ers defense. This is what happens when you play the Rams.

JackSux6 (3-1, L1): Damn that Jared Allen. If Donald Driver catches one more pass I wipe out a huge deficit and beat Butch. Oh well.

Lincoln Continentals (3-1, W1): Beating Rob is always fun.

And now, one week later than usual, the debut of... RANKINGS! (I compromised. WITH MYSELF. I'm doing top and bottom four this year.)

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Giants (4-0) – Development of WRs key to early surge

2. New Orleans (4-0) – Have won with offense and defense

3. Indianapolis (4-0) – In case you haven't noticed, Peyton's on fire

4. Minnesota (4-0) – Hard to argue after Monday night

BOTTOM 4:

29. Tampa Bay (0-4) – This was to be expected, but maybe not quite this bad

30. Kansas City (0-4) – Slow and stupid loses the race

31. St. Louis (0-4) – This... this is gonna take a while

32. Cleveland (0-4) – I'll tell you what, I'm gonna run out of things to say by Week 9 at this rate