By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Limo Wreck

Rivers is playing? That stuns me. So much for LDT. You know, with all the talk about how cold it's gonna be in Green Bay, this ain't exactly Cancun up in here. The pass Jammer picked off looked like what happens when a clay pigeon launcher malfunctions. I like Turner and Sproles but they're just not getting it done here. That may have been the weirdest-developing reverse I've ever seen. When did Vincent Jackson stop sucking? BANG! What sometimes goes underappreciated (somewhat by design) about the Patriots' offense is how well they hide guys in their four- and five-receiver sets. I want to know what the studio guys are looking at (besides the two INTs in two minutes, which happens all the time to better quarterbacks than Rivers) that they're so adamant Rivers needs to come out. I think Sam Ryan's actually getting a cold as she delivers this report from Lambeau. She sounds awful. Man, these Chargers goal-line situations look so familiar to us Eagles fans. On both sides. Is Gates playing? Because if he is, you wouldn't know it - he hasn't been a factor at all. What the heck, Tom? DON'T RUN IT OUT WHAT THE... I mean, I get the excitement of the moment and all that. But you've got to pay attention and recognize where you are. You're not gonna beat these guys with field goals. It must be bad if Tomlinson's still on the bench. Wes Welker! Well, this game's over. Man, the Chargers never got the ball back after that. And this is why New England's going 19-0 - 'cause they'll beat you however they feel like it. If they want to drop 40 on you, they'll do it. Passing game not working? They'll run Maroney and Faulk for three touchdowns and hold you to four field goals. (Patriots 21, Chargers 12)

Don't they heat the TV booth? Seriously, that's obscene. Careful, Koren. You don't think of Driver as a speed merchant. I'm wondering how Wilson didn't make a play on him - he had a good angle but he just didn't get there for some reason. Seriously, what is with Plaxico having big games in the playoffs? Steelers fans everywhere are seething. Grant just can't get going. And now the Packers are shooting themselves in the foot with penalties on top of penalties. Did Jacobs just do a Lambeau Leap fakeout? You can get smacked with a frozen bratwurst for that. (I've never actually tried bratwurst. Anyone?) Nice kickoff return by Williams. I'm not sure what Madison did but complaining to Strahan after the Packers score isn't going to help his case. Also there's been a Vernand Morency sighting, which sort of makes you wonder. GUNSLINGER. Holy crap, what a break. If the Packers pull this out, that'll be the play of the game. How is McQuarters still employed? I again find it interesting that Bradshaw's getting all the run at this point in the game. Tynes missed? That's not all that surprising. The Giants have been all over that screen play all night - maybe stop using it? Maybe the Packers punter'll retire. What was THAT? And again, how is McQuarters still employed? You know who I haven't mentioned at all who's been coming up pretty big is Steve Smith The Younger. High snap! He missed AGAIN! And Buck said right before that that the Giants had a rookie replacing their injured regular long snapper. Bad throw, Brett. This isn't a lock. If he misses, it's the Jay Feely/Seahawks game again. Wow. Didn't see that one coming. Johnny just reminded me of something. Two weeks of Boston vs. New York. WTF, seriously. (Giants 23, Packers 20, OT)

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Big In 2007

Blog Post of the Year (Home Team): Out and Back: Roy Rogers

Blog Post of the Year (Offshore): Better Off Dead: A Look Back (includes special '67 Camaro-related bonus link)

Culinary Revolution: Freshly ground pepper has done nothing less than change my life. You think I'm kidding.

Worst Case For a Pay Raise: L.J. Smith. (This was Andruw Jones in a walk through the end of November but my God. Plus, Andruw actually took a pay cut in the first year of his deal with the Dodgers if you don't count his signing bonus.)

Underrated Hottie: Rachael Taylor

Just Because: The New York Knicks

R.I.P.: Bite-size croutons. Seriously, what happened?

People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Michael Vick; 2. Alberto Gonzales; 3. Barry Bonds; 4-28. The 2007 New York Mets; 29. Carlos Mencia; 30. Bill Gazes

Slightly Dirty Feeling: The Allison Stokke blowup

I've Seen Just About Enough Of: 2girls1cup. And by "just about enough", I mean "I haven't seen any of it, and if I were to see any of it, even by accident, it would be entirely too much."

I've Seen Entirely Too Much Of: This business

Best Unprintable Line: "The only person that choked worse than Tony Romo this week was Saddam Hussein." (after the Seattle playoff loss)

Best Sex I've Had This Year: chokes on own hysterical laughter

Formerly The Lindsay Lohan Fall From Grace Of The Year: Britney Spears, who finished off such a massive tumble that we're putting her name back on this award. (The Miami Heat are a distant second.) And in a related matter...

Most Unexpected Development: Kevin Federline as acceptable father figure

Things It Doesn't Get Much Better Than: This

Ambition For 2008: New wheels. More "Out and Backs". Also, I feel a full investigation into what exactly "giving someone the business" entails is in order

Commercial of the Year: "The story ends with me puttin' him in the wall."

Bold Prediction For 2008: T-Pain moves on to the coat check girl

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By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Weather and Travel Advisories

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. What, again? Are you kidding me? And that was effectively back-to-back plays. The Packers are in trouble. I'm happy that I ended up being right about Jennings. I think the Seahawks just got hit by lightning. Thanks for your contribution, Deion Branch. Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast. And the Packers can't be stopped, either. "Oh, here you go." "Oh, thanks, Brett." The Seahawks' receivers have the dropsies back. Seriously, this is a beatdown. We can't even see the yard lines anymore. I enjoyed Fox abandoning the overhead camera near the end of the third quarter, though I am wondering how they kept the yellow line working. Nice field view comparison shots "This was the opening kickoff." It is really coming down. Good for Grant. Hey, a Brandon Jackson sighting! Everyone's forgotten he was the starter at the beginning of the season and he sucked. I think I saw the Packers' punt return gunners building a snow fort with the Gatorade coolers on the sideline. (Packers 42, Seahawks 20)

See, here's the thing: Yeah, it was nice that the Jaguars were able to eat up some time and keep the Patriots' offense off the field for that opening touchdown drive. The Pats only need one play to tie it up. (Also, we all thought Garrard's knee was down.) And you can't turn the ball over. You just can't. Brady hasn't missed yet? Really? Taylor and Jones-Drew haven't done all that much so far. I feel like the Jags' receivers have been playing over their heads for the past month. Whoa. This kid's no Vinatieri, I'll tell you that much. Wait, what? Was that the Statue of Liberty? And here's the other side of what I was saying earlier: the Jags can't score that quickly. Like right there. Jones has to catch that. Intercepted! Seriously, 26 of 28, one was dropped, the other one went off Watson's fingertips, and Moss might as well have not even shown up. Who's beating these guys? I ask you. Even funnier was Reggie Nelson doing his best Anthony Smith impression after the fact. (Patriots 31, Jaguars 20)

Welcome back, Marvin! Or not. Rust, obviously. So have the Colts adopted the Seahawks' strategy of not running the ball ever? Gates is playing? Huh. Oh, that's never good and I don't
care how good Michael Turner is, there's gonna be a drop-off. Norv is furious. Blood pressure! There were two holds on Cromartie's return - the Weddle one wasn't the one that got called. See, you go get a Chris Chambers when he's better than everyone else you have. Notice the Colts have come out and run the ball more to start the second half. The hell? Was that a busted play or something? The Colts' red-zone offense today looks like the Eagles'. Or the Redskins'. Pass interference? Where? Blood pressure, Norv! Wayne did... not step out of bounds. There goes Sproles. Nice move. We got a game here, people. Now Rivers is hurt? There's no way. Gonzalez did... not step out of bounds. I forgot this was where Volek ended up. I'd say Rivers is lucky he's not doing that in Oakland but they're so beaten down out there he might get away with it. TOUCHDOWN VOLEK. Sing the song? Not yet... it's not like Peyton hasn't done this before. Who's your hot? "Clark." I don't like throwing on second and goal there. Seems like a lot of Peyton's passes have been high today. That's a clutch punt. But you're giving Peyton another shot... but Wayne's on the sideline hurt. Is no one open? Holy crap. What's gonna get lost in this is that the Colts' vaunted defense got absolutely shredded. Ladies and gentlemen, your Super Bowl XLII champions: the New England Patriots. You think I'm kidding? (Chargers 28, Colts 24)

Seriously, somebody wash my face with liquid nitrogen. How have these teams never met in the playoffs before? Nice tackling on the Toomer touchdown. Oh, look, the Cowboys' running game is back. Barber's starting? Interesting. Also of note is that Bradshaw's getting more run than Jacobs. This drive's taking forever. Twenty plays? Is that even possible? Then Eli - of all people - leads a drive to tie it up in less time than it took to huddle up. I'm honestly surprised it took this long to get to Romo's run for the border. Bahahahaha. "Who he was with." They interviewed Witten before the game, for crying out loud. Damn, Brandon. What'd the play clock ever do to you? Well that came right out of the Book of Favre. And there's yesterday's highlight right on cue. Romo probably could have run for that. This game hasn't been all that great, to be honest. Bad pass at the end. That's a pretty ignominious exit for the 'Boys... but don't let the door hit you on the way out. Ladies and gentlemen, your Super Bowl XLII champions: the New England Patriots. You think I'm kidding? (Giants 21, Cowboys 17)

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By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Moderately Wild Card Edition

So much for the Redskins sustaining a drive. And now they've basically become the Seahawks what with the not running the ball anymore and all that. Burleson got away with a push-off there. That was quick. Nice catch by Randle El. And another one by Landry. Was he down? OK. What happened there? Did anyone touch it? Can they just recover a kickoff like that? Guess so. Oh WOW. How did he miss that? 30 yards? That's a gimme. And this game may have just turned completely around again. So who was Collinsworth calling out there - Moss for giving up on the route, or Collins for throwing it anyway? Rick: "I guess Sean Taylor stopped watching." That's not right. Speaking of Collins, you knew it had to end at some point. Is Gibbs finished? (Seahawks 35, Redskins 14)

It's gonna have to go exactly like this for the Steelers if they want to get anywhere. That's gotta be one of the worst feelings in the world - taking a kick all that way and not scoring. Madden: "That's happened in this city before." Jebus, Ben. What are you doing out there? No, seriously, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Hang on, folks, the Steelers are... rallying? If you're not gonna kick it, don't do that. There have been some ill-conceived two-point conversion calls in this game. Specifically, this one and the one before it. I take issue with AP's description of Garrard as "not an exceptional runner." The Steelers really shouldn't host playoff games. (Jaguars 31, Steelers 29)

Something's gotta give. Apparently it's hot down there. And I don't just mean "warm because it's Florida, even in January," it sounds like it's legitimately hot. Ah, same old Giants. What exactly did Ronde say that isn't true? So Eli responds by going to the reliable guy. Seriously, you forget Toomer's still around and yet they rely on him more than you'd think. Bradshaw's been killing it over this last month. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, the NFC South must have been worse than I thought. (Giants 24, Buccaneers 14)

I'm surprised there aren't more highlights from their first meeting in the introduction video package. The hell is that? This is like that draft commercial with the Texans a couple of years ago. Eric Moulds is still alive? I mean not by much, obviously, but enough so that it's pointed out. The Titans got down the field really quickly on that first drive. Oh no. Losing Gates is going to be bad. That's a bad miss by Kaeding. Is anybody else getting a "whoever scores next wins" vibe here? When did Vincent Jackson grow a pair of hands? That's a bad miss by Bironas. Did he get in? Yay second effort. (Chargers 17, Titans 6)

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Trespasses? What Trespasses?

CBS because they would've had it on a Sunday before NBC stole it from them (natch). For such an historic circumstance, I'd really like a better play-by-play guy than Bryant Gumbel. Hey, way to blow a challenge two plays in! And people wonder why I'm all for Coughlin keeping his job. Eh, we've seen this before. It's not gonna happen. When are teams going to realize that zoning up against these guys doesn't work? If I'm the Patriots, I just keep doing that - abusing a secondary that isn't that good to begin with. Now there's something we haven't seen much of yet - special teams coming into play. What, Moss totally caught that. Someone was asleep at the switch there. The Giants' offense looks good for the first time in about a month. It's not gonna happen, though. Yes, I know they just took a 12-point lead. I'm telling you, there's no way this holds. Wow, these Giants DBs are getting owned. Did Moss think, "This is too easy" and just take his eyes off it? Well, he got that one. I don't want to say the Patriots couldn't have made this comeback last year, but I will say it would have taken a lot longer. (Patriots 38, Giants 35)

Signal Finder: BUF @ PHI, DAL @ WSH, PIT @ BAL, MIN @ DEN (end)

You can tell both these teams are 7-8. The Eagles' goal line defense strikes again. Nice stand-up tackle by Rocca. See, this is that crappy, indecisive wanna-be rain that I hate. Again Curtis is Johnny-on-the-spot. I wonder what's gonna happen to... J.P. Losman. (Eagles 17, Bills 9)

Parcells couldn't have been a fan of this. (Bengals 38, Dolphins 25)

If I'm the Steelers, I put somebody else back there. I mean, I at least think about it, 'cause that can't happen twice. Troy Smith has to at least get a shot at the starting job next year. (Ravens 27, Steelers 21)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Cardinals 48, Rams 19

Why can't the Cowboys run the ball anymore? Seriously, they haven't been the same team offensively since the Packers game. Meanwhile, Portis seems to have found himself after a slow start. You can look at any series of about 11 plays and tell who's trying to get into the playoffs and who's just coasting. This isn't how you're supposed to do a rivalry game! Where's the hatred? (Redskins 27, Cowboys 6)

I'm not sure I get switching to this game now that it's completely irrelevant but whatever. (Broncos 22, Vikings 19, OT)

Friends, I've found the worst wide receivers in the NFL: the Tennessee Titans'. Vince isn't even pretending to throw to them. Speaking of Vince, how many of his former Texas teammates are on this field? I like how Peyton still threw 16 passes before leaving. Did Jim Sorgi actually get his own motion chyron bumper? Did they really do that? And is he gonna mess around and end up winning this game? Kerry Collins lives! Then there was a moment near the end when Sorgi got flattened and it looked like Peyton might have to come back in. crosses off Browns (Titans 14, Colts 10)

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (16-0) - Was there any doubt?
2. Indianapolis (13-3) - Slowly removing the bandages
3. Dallas (13-3) - Have they already peaked?

BOTTOM 3:
30. Kansas City (4-12) - Blow it up!
31. Atlanta (4-12) - Who'd want this job?
32. Miami (1-15) - Enjoying gift from Brian Billick