Saturday, September 19, 2020

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Run It Thrice

We'll do this as long as it lasts.

I have to agree. With no preseason and the schedule upside down because of the pandemic, there hasn't been any real buzz.

There are less than 20,000 fans here at Arrowhead, all wearing masks. It's one of the few NFL stadiums that are currently allowing fans.

The Chiefs players are lined up in the end zone. Not one Texans player or coach is out here. Anthem ends and here they come. After some stretches, everyone gathers around midfield for "a moment of silence and unity" with Mahomes and Watson linking arms at the center. Why are these clowns booing? Michele Tafoya — in the stands — reports that the midfield moment was their (Mahomes and Watson's) idea. Chiefs kick off and it's a touchback. Crowd sounds louder than 20,000. Texans go three and out and that's not a great punt. AL points out that they don't have the player intros this year because they couldn't get into all of the training camps to tape them, which makes sense. Quick pitch to Hardman gets six. Touchdown Demarcus Robinson! He makes a great over-the-shoulder catch while wearing Justin Reid like a backpack. Call REVERSED. What? Oh, that ball's out. Wow. The Chiefs end up punting. Brandin Cooks with his first catch as a Texan. And that's his second. David Johnson turns the corner and that IS a touchdown. Darrell Williams gets stuffed on 3rd and 2. Chiefs go for it because it's 2020. They get it! Clyde Edwards-Hilaire is going to destroy things in this offense. Mahomes rolls out and throws into the end zone but Robinson can't hold on. Touchdown Kelce! Your reminder that the U.S. Open is next week and back on NBC because FOX bailed on its deal with the USGA three years in, which may come back to bite them if this season doesn't finish. Michele reports there were five new COVID cases among NFL personnel (over 64,000 people) in the last three weeks. Watson gets sacked by Chris Jones, who a lot of folks didn't think would still be a Chief this season. Mahomes throws too high for Hill and it's almost intercepted. Edwards-Hilaire getting fed. Robinson breaks a tackle and gets a first down at the Texans' 11. That looks like a Sammy Watkins touchdown. Al reminds us that he had three in last year's opener, and I'll remind you that he didn't have another one until the AFC title game. Review says his elbow was down before he broke the plane, which is also correct. Edwards-Hilaire gets stuffed. Pass to Watkins and this time it counts. Andy's face shield has been half-fogged since about five minutes into the game. Fairbarn MISSES with 25 seconds left in the half. Chiefs have all three time outs. Kelce! Then get Cunningham for a horse collar. They're in field goal range, but Mahomes makes a poor throw that almost gets intercepted. Cunningham gets hit with an illegal contact penalty, but with four seconds left, it'll just make the field goal closer. It's good. 17-7 Chiefs at the half. Did Rodney leave the building? Chiefs get the ball to start the second half. Edwards-Hilaire with a nice run. He finds a hole and scores! Reid's scouts gave him tape of him at Clemson and said he could be their Brian Westbrook if they could get him. Reid saw that tape and said he was better. Al and Cris try to explain away the Texans trading DeAndre Hopkins for 40 cents on the dollar, and they end up at "They couldn't afford to pay him." Who's this other Johnson? Or did Duke change his number? (He did.) Watson gets away from two sacks but still loses one yard. Is it raining? Chiefs punt pins the Texans at their 3. Interception! Looks like Watson's arm got hit. Then Mahomes gets picked off in the end zone but pass interference negates it. Mahomes to Hill for a touchdown, and Hill tosses the ball to no one. 31-7 with 12 minutes left. Stars-Golden Knights is going to overtime. I still don't get why the Texans are still running the ball even though they got 17 there. Touchdown Texans as the refs miss a false start. Andy somehow saw it. Two-point try does not succeed. Stars win! They are a PROBLEM. Announcers discuss the case of Chiefs regular starting right guard Laurent Duvernay-Taurif, who's a doctor and opted out of this season because he's been helping treat COVID patients all year. Another garbage time Texans touchdown. Ensuing onside kick leads Cris to ask Al about the proposed alternatives. Al's intrigued. Onside kick fails because it always does.

Serena's getting her ankle wrapped. Announced attendance is 15,895. (Chiefs 34, Texans 20)

The Game You Didn't Watch Tonight: Miami (FL) 31, UAB 14

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, LAC @ CIN, TB @ NO

Cam's going to lead the Patriots in rishing, isn't he? (Because Belichick doesn't give his running backs back-to-back carries.) (Patriots 21, Dolphins 11)
Moose Johnston's with Burkhart this season, as there's been a lot of broadcast team shuffling on both sides. No Lane Johnson, either. Ron Rivera is here and on the sideline, and his offense will get the ball first. Eagles are on a W6 against these guys. Not a lot of experience on this offense, especially with Trent Williams and Adrian Peterson gone. Even the piped-in crowd noise seems louder for the Eagles. Not a great start for rookie Jalen Reagor, who fumbles the punt, but Craig James falls on it. Wentz didn't have to spend the offseason rehabbing for once. Big plays to Goedert and Jackson. Wentz avoids a sack on a blitz and throws incomplete. Chase Young jumps, giving the Eagles a first down. Washington wearing a "49" decal for Bobby Mitchell. Touchdown Ertz! Extra point sneaks through. McLaurin messes with the Eagles again. Peyton Barber (?!) gets stuffed. Punt is downed at the 3. Eagles get out of the pit, then Landon Collins hits Miles Sanders replacement Jason Huntley out of bounds. Kerrigan gets a sack off of heavy pressure (tying him with Dexter Manley for the franchise record), then blows up a screen pass. Big play to Reagor! He beats Ronald Darby for 55! Wentz goes down and fumbles, but Kelce falls on it and the ensuing field goal is good. Reagor back on this punt return after Greg Ward fielded the second one. Wentz gets sacked for the fourth time already. Eagles punt. Haskins scrambles for a first down on 3rd and 6. Avante Maddox with a pass breakup on third and 2. He probably could have picked that off. Field goal is NO GOOD. Jessica Alba's back on TV? DeSean returns just as Pam Oliver was going to report on his status. Hightower with a bad drop, then he takes a late hit with the helmet for a penalty. Ward could cement a role as a chain mover. Wentz takes something off of that one and finds Goedert for an easy touchdown. 17-0 Eagles. Antonio Gibson with Washington's first big play of the game. Option pitch does not go well. Feels like the Eagles' running game just isn't gonna be a thing today. Washington is currently .500 all-time. They haven't won a playoff game since 2005. For perspective, the first iPhone was released in 2007. We have yet to have a punt actually returned in this game. Fabian Moreau jumps in front of Reagor and intercepts Wentz. Two plays and Washington's inside the Eagles' 25. Burkhart and Moose have a Plexiglas barrier between them. No one covers Logan Thomas and he catches an easy touchdown. Wentz comes back with a bullet that goes past Jackson and hits Moreau in the chest, but fortunately he drops it. Then he overthrows Reagor, who would have scored. 17-7 Eagles at halftime. There is nowhere to run. Sims returns this punt from the 4, for some reason. Strip sack ends this Washington drive even though they recover. Wentz gets picked off AGAIN and going to Hightower just isn't working right now, either. Washington already in the red zone. Sims makes a catch at the 3. Barber scores on the second try and it's suddenly 17-14. That Ertz catch probably hit the ground but the Eagles rushed the next play. Sack ends up costly as Elliott just misses from 53. T.Y. McGill, just up from the practice squad, with a sack of his own. He's been all over the place today. Young hits Wentz's arm, forcing another interception, but Washington was offsides. Two-yard quarterback sneak? OK. Now Driscoll's walking to the locker room. Pass is too high for Ward and the Eagles appear to be going for it on 4th and 4 from the 45. Bostic blitzes and this has no chance. Haskins finds Thomas. Now Curry's down. Hopkins kick is good and we're tied. Washington's comeback started before the Nuggets' did, for the record. Alex Smith somehow made the roster. Kerrigan with his second sack. STOP THROWING SCREENS. Thomas stretches to make the catch, then dives forward to convert 3rd and 8. Now Brandon Graham's being looked at. Haskins keeps it, but he slides too soon and gets drilled by Mills (and no flag). Fourth and 1 from the 4. Riverboat Ron! Pitch to Barber and he gets the first down. Touchdown Barber. Wentz overthrows Jackson on 3rd and 3. They go for it and Ertz can't hold on. I don't get that one. Haskins rolls out and finds Sims for 19. Moose notes that this game is the reverse of last year's opener. Hopkins makes the field goal and this one's done. Wentz gets sacked again and fumbles, and this one's REALLY done. This loss is explainable, but it doesn't make it any better. (Washington 27, Eagles 17) For clarification: Collins got thrown out of this game for demonstrating what happened to him a little too well. The Bears scored three fourth-quarter touchdowns, including two in the last three minutes (and those were a minute apart, helped by a Kyle Fuller interception). Explain to me why Matt Patricia still has ths job. Tough day for Philly-related football. D'Andre Swift scored a touchdown in this game! (Bears 27, Lions 23) Damn, man. That's ice cold. Also! (Packers 43, Vikings 34) It didn't get better. (Bills 27, Jets 17) Joe Burrow time! But NOT Justin Herbert time, as Tyrod Taylor will start for the Chargers. Also, A.J. Green is finally back. Good catch by Mike Williams but he was out of bounds. Green almost dropped that one. Burrow was 9 the last time Philip Rivers wasn't the Chargers' starter. Bengals almost block this punt. Burrow takes off... TOUCHDOWN. Where did THAT come from? This good Williams catch will count. Chargers go for it on 4th and 2 with a Taylor keeper, but he stumbles and loses a yard. Bengals punt after gaining nine yards in six plays. Mike Williams AGAIN! He gets popped afterwards and I'm not sure that hit's a penalty. Yeah, it's not. This is followed by a makeup OPI call, so. Field goal is good. Chargers get stuffed AGAIN on fourth down! The Nebgals go three and out, gaining one yard. That's a completed pass to Hunter Henry. Badgley makes a field goal at the end of the half to make it 7-6. Chargers get the ball to start the second half. Nice pickup by rookie Josh Kelley. Badgley from 50... misses right. A.J. Green appears to be back. Field goal is good. Jesse Bates has been wherever Mike Williams has, and he just made a good play to beak that pass up. Burrow feeding Mixon some more. I'd have run a shorter route there but that's me. They only needed two yards. Bullock makes the kick. D.J. Reader down and the cart's coming out. That's bad, as the Bengals were already without Geno Atkins. 13-6 after 3. Touchdown Kelley, angering Austin Ekeler fantasy owners. Burrow with not great numbers. Mixon fumbles! Chargers ball! Harlan's losing it. "Mixon NEVER fumbles!" And he doesn't — that was his first one in 621 touches. Bates with another key pass breakup, this one on Henry in the end zone. Chargers settle for three but still take the lead. Bengals putting together a drive. Intercepted! Chargers read that one. Burrow starts the next drive with a run. That's a tough throw, rook. Be careful out there. And to Ross, of all people. That takes balls; he can't catch anything. That's Mike Thomas, not Michael. TOUCHDOWN Green but there's a flag... and it's on him. Won't count. Field goal will tie it, at least. NO GOOD! Is he hurt? Oh, God, he's grabbing his calf. That was bad from the jump. Holy hell. Hope Bullock's OK but that's such a Bengals way to lose.

Eh... kinda? (Chargers 16, Bengals 13)

That's just an odd sight. Saints get the ball first and they start with a handoff to Taysom Hill. My biggest question about the Bucs is if this secondary can cover. What I'm noticing now — probably because the Superdome is always so loud — is that the between-plays crowd noise is almost nonexistent. Here comes Brady. Mike Evans IS playing. O.J. Howard with a drop. He's in midseason form. Brady to Chris Godwin, who now wears No. 14. Announcers discuss the lack of crowd noise. Aikman: "It was louder in pregame warmups than it is right now." Lattimore all up in Evans's grill and that's a flag. Ronald Jones the only Bucs back to get and play so far. He stumbled earlier on a pass that Brady threw low, but he's been the guy on this first drive. Brady sneaks for a touchdown! Aikman wonders if Brady saw the opening over center (really, Saints?) and called his own number. Score bug says -6 for some reason. Oh, that's the possession dot. My bad. Still, it should probably be by the team logo. Also good to see the Bucs back in their 2000s uniforms. Cook makes a 19-yard catch on third down after getting stonewalled on third down on the previous drive. Snap to Taysom, who looks downfield before taking off.

Touchdown Kamara! Caught a screen from Brees and went in untouched. Marcus Williams intercepts Brady! That's a miscommunication. Evans stopped for some reason. Touchdown! Obligatory "these guys are old" graphic — Brees is first in passing yards, touchdown passes and completions, and Brady is second in all three. Buck low-key shitting on the Patriots' inability to add offensive talent, which hasn't happened enough. (Belichick CANNOT draft wide receivers.) Screen to Gronk, who may have gotten a yard. We got a scrap between Evans and Lattimore. Ryan Succop field goal is BLOCKED. Cook had one eye on the end zone and none on the ball. Thomas makes a tough catch in traffic to keep the drive going. Lutz makes it 17-7 with 44 seconds left before halftime. Brady wants a flag on Malcolm Jenkins here but he won't get it. Then he gets called for intentional grounding. Here's our first Leonard Fournette sighting as we start the second half. Intercepted by Janoris Jenkins! PICK SIX. Could've kept Jameis for that amount of money. Williams gets flagged for interference on Evans. Big run by Jones. Touchdown O.J. Howard! Brady throws off his back foot to Godwin. Buck notes the larger practice squad because of COVID as the camera shows a couple of the Saints' guys in the stands. Field goal cuts the Saints' lead to seven. Taysom Play goes nowhere. Brees to Cook for 46! He's still on the Saints? That guy jumps teams every 18 months. Touchdown Emmanuel Sanders. OH NO BUCS. To set this up: There was a face mask penalty on that Sanders touchdown, and the Saints took the yardage on the ensuing kickoff, placing the ball at the 50. Then they kind of pooch-kicked it and two Bucs players collided near the sideline, one of them fumbled it, and the Saints recovered inside the 25. You gotta let that go out of bounds. Short drive ends with a field goal. Saints challenge this Howard catch and lose. I feel like Payton's record on these isn't the greatest. Scotty Miller has Julian Edelman tendencies. Brady FUMBLES but gets it back, losing six yards. Short touchdown pass to Evans makes it 34-23. Going for two is actually wrong at this point, isn't it? They don't get it. LOL they piped in boos after the refs correctly overturned the Kamara touchdown.

OOF. (Saints 34, Buccaneers 23)

Four years, $5 billion, and they can't let anybody in. This fucking year. Open your eyes, Carrie! Al and Cris really selling the new digs. Rams get the ball first. Quick wheel route to Woods for a first down. Rookie Cam Akers takes over at running back. Woods with ROOM. He's at the Cowboys' 15 already. Screens out of motion. Nice. Touchdown! Donald sacks Prescott. Everson Griffen's a Cowboy? When did that happen? Not sure how I feel about the new Rams unis. Drew has decided:

Rams having their way with the Cowboys' defense so far. Rams go for it on 4th and 1 and Malcom Brown picks it up. Now they give it to Darrell Henderson on 3rd and 2 and I'm not sure he made it. Oh, he did? That's a generous spot. Field goal is... no good? Who's this dude? Gallup with a big catch to start the second quarter, but it'll come back for an illegal block. Gallup got away from Ramsey, who secretly sucked last year. Prescott to Lamb for a big play on his first catch, getting to the Rams' 20. Swing pass to Zeke, who breaks a tackle and... scores? Scores. Cooper Kupp has switched from 18 to 10. Did Marc Bulger approve this? Wait, that's grounding? How? Vander Esch is out for the Cowboys with a collarbone injury, which is never good and often bad. Field goal is good this time. The roof is translucent. Legatron's in Dallas, too? And he misses from 53. Seems like Akers is getting the early-down carries but the Rams are using Brown to get the most important yards. Field goal extends the lead. Two-minute drill is surprisingly crisp. Touchdown pass to Zeke gets called back because of OPI. Then Prescott keeps it and... scores! Nope, refs rule his knee was down. Zeke cleans it up with 17 seconds in the half. They show a shot from Friday of the "grey-orange" L.A. skies, as Al calls it. Hollywood Park photo montage, as that was what used to be here. Al says his mother used to sneak him out of school and bring him to the track, surprising no one. Michele won a pick-six when she was 10! Another big catch by Woods. Josh Reynolds (now wearing 11) beats Trayvon Diggs (Stefon's brother) and goes down the sideline to the 1. Touchdown Malcom Brown and the Rams retake the lead. Pass interference flag is picked up after realizing the pass was tipped. Good coaches have won Super Bowls and gone on to coach other teams. No one has won with two different teams, and Mike McCarthy won't be the first. Goff gets intercepted. Replay shows Aldon Smith (!!) hit him in the head, which should have been called. Field goal is good. Cowboys moving quickly here, with back-to-back catches by Cooper. Run up the middle on 3rd and 6? OK, that makes me think they're gonna go for it on fourth down here. Cowboys throw it on 4th and 3 from the Rams 13, but the pass to Lamb is short! Mike McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen. HIGBEE. Footage from a 2015 Giants-Cowboys game segues into a reference that Romo will be here next week to call the Chargers' home opener. This will be changed to an incomplete pass, as Cooper never had control before Ramsey hit him. Seriously, McVay? What are you doing? How do you punt this?

Prescott scrambles for 12 on 3rd and 13 but doesn't get the first down. Elliott picks it up. Gallup beats Ramsey, but there's a flag. Two flags, actually. OPI and it comes back. Announcers aren't sure about this one and I don't think I am, either. Fourth and 20 is incomplete. (Rams 20, Cowboys 17)

Fowler and Herbstreit on the call! (The U.S. Open ended yesterday, so Chris merely had to cross the Hudson.) Rookie mistake, coach, not getting that 4th and 1 play in in time. Giants punt. MUFFED. They get it at the Steelers' 3! Barkley runs for two, then... they call two straight passes? Neither of which is caught. Field goal is good. Why not try Barkley one more time there? First game Roethlisberger's played in about a year. Claypool!

3-3 after 1. Touchdown Darius Slayton! For some reason Fitzpatrick hesitated, Slayton beat his man, and Jones found him. Steelers go three and out. Interception! Jones gets fooled by T.J. Watt. Not sure what he was looking for there. Eric Ebron's a Steeler, by the way. Touchdown Steelers! Ben beat the blitz and found Juju in the corner. Extra point CLANGS off the upright and misses. 10-9 Giants. Big Barkley catch and run! Topped off with a hurdle in traffic. OPI gives back some of the yardage (turn your mic back on, ref), then a Steelers sack helps force a punt. Jones evades one rusher but can't avoid the second. Two-minute drill time for the Steelers. Big Ben Rumble! He stumbled slightly there but still got another first down. They go over the middle to James Washington and he fights through two tacklers and scores! This extra point is good. 16-10 Steelers at halftime. Somehow the Giants have negative rushing yards? How is that even possible? It's kind of funny, at least to me, that Jason Garrett had to get fired and hired to a lesser position by a division rival to be able to call plays again. Barkley loses four yards. Giants go for it on 4th and 1, the play fake appears to not work, but Jones eventually finds Barkley to convert it. (He had Engram open two seconds beforehand.) Jones scrambles for a first down on 3rd and 9. Barkley with a move to get inside the 5. INTERCEPTION. Dupree's been in Jones's face all night, and he forced an off-balance throw that Cam Heyward, of all people, ends up with in the end zone. Nineteen plays for nothing. That's gotta sting. No James Conner on this drive — it's been all Snell and Samuels. Field goal is good. Steelers have attacked this patchwork Giants secondary all night in all kinds of ways. FUMBLE but Juju falls on it surrounded by Giants. That's a huge break for the Steelers. Snell with a nice gain down the sideline. Whoa, there's only 6:30 left? Touchdown Juju! Giants need bigger chunks of yardage here. Slant to Slayton for a late Giants score. I'm impressed they only used one time out. Two-point try fails and that's that.

(Steelers 26, Giants 16)

And here's the official new Monday Night Football crew: Steve Levy, Brian Griese (both moving up from the college beat) and Louis Riddick. This is basically a college takeover night. No Courtland Sutton tonight for the Broncos. Is Drew Lock good? Let's find out. A few players on both teams kneeling during the anthem. Are the fireworks still going off? What is that? First play is Tannehill taking off and sliding for a first down. Screen to Jonnu Smith for 22 on 2nd and 20. Broncos force a punt and take over. Will we see Clowney tonight? Yes, and immediately, as he tackles Lock after a fumbled snap. Lots of Derrick Henry and Corey Davis on this drive. Gostkowski MISSES. He wasn't great last year. He probably should've done what Dan Bailey did and gone to an indoor team. We got an ejection here? Titans linebacker Rashan Evans is walking off. Oh, he punched a dude in that scrum. Lock makes an ill-advised throw to Noah Fant for a touchdown. Vegas next week! Melvin Gordon fumbles a screen pass and the Titans recover! Titans take over at the Broncos' 23. Wildcat? Like Derrick Henry's throwing the ball here. Tannehill throws behind Pruitt, who makes a nice spinning catch in the end zone for a touchdown. Was that supposed to be the new Bronco in that "Elway drafts for offense" graphic? Lock fumbles another snap, but picks it up and scrambles for a first down.

Pass to Philip Lindsay gets them to the 2. Broncos go for it on 4th and goal with a shovel pass to tight end Jake Butt, but it doesn't work. A.J. Brown tried to spin out of that tackle three times, but he couldn't do it. Ex-Titan Jurrell Casey knocks that pass down. Tannehill gets sacked from behind. Is this a catch? I didn't think it was. The call is a catch, but they're looking at it, and either way they almost have to put a few seconds back on the clock. Call REVERSED. Incomplete, and there are 12 seconds on the clock, but it's also fourth down. Gostkowski misses AGAIN? Levy thinks the Broncos partially blocked it. They did! I'm not sure that would have been good anyway, but still. 7-7 at halftime. That's the kind of bad decision Tannehill used to make in Miami. But it won't stand because of something dumber the Broncos (Alexander Johnson) did. Jewell just took Henry OUT. Wow. Quick pass to Brown gets a firs down. Was that ball out? Titans hurry up and go to Brown again. Casey deflects another pass, possibly costing the Broncos an interception. Gostkowski misses AGAIN! He's gonna be left in Denver at this rate. Lock doesn't see an open receive and almost gets picked by Kenny Vaccaro. Jeremy McNichols gets his helmet ripped off, so that'll be a face mask. Tannehill throws into traffic but Corey Davis hangs on. Slant to Humphries gets another first down as the third quarter ends. Fourth and goal and the field goal team is NOT out. Smith gets away and catches an easy touchdown. There wasn't anyone within five yards of him. Titans lead! Low snap and the extra point is wide left! Good God. Melvin Gordon for 25. I still don't get that signing but whatever. Jerry Jeudy's been... OK tonight. Good catches like that but a couple drops, too. Royce Freeman sighting! First and goal at the 1! Broncos outsmarted themselves last time. Gordon scores! THIS extra point is GOOD. Levy references the Nuggets. Deep comebacks are a Denver thing, apparently. That was a deflection? I thought it went off his shoulder. Titans punt from their own end zone with 4:10 left. Is this a challenge or a booth review? When was the call made? OK, so the ball was snapped with 2:01 left, so this is a Broncos challenge. Call REVERSED, so Brown was down at the 49, taking five yards away from the Titans. DPI puts the ball around the Broncos' 35. Henry takes it to the 16. Announcers want someone, ANYONE, to call time out. Titans finally do with 31 seconds left. Tannehill goes to Brown in the end zone but it goes off his fingertips. Fourth and 1. Gostkowski is out. IT'S GOOD. And Fangio screwing up his own timeout situation leaves the Broncos with only 17 seconds. Hail Mary falls incomplete. (Titans 16, Broncos 14)
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