Monday, July 23, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Ribbons and Bows

So the NFL and the networks decided on... no Sunday night flex this week. That's unexpected and surprising and I'm not sure how I feel about it.


Signal Finder: DAL @ PHI, CLE @ PIT, CHI @ MIN (end), CIN @ BAL, CAR @ ATL

Can the Browns win? CAN THEY? Stevan Ridley's still in the league? Darius Heyward-Bey's still in the league? He just scored on an end around. Going into the break with Run DMC's "It's Tricky"? I see you, CBS DJ.
Landry Jones throws an interception as the snow starts falling. The Browns do nothing with it, of course. Juju and then Ridley gashing this Browns' D.
Fourth and goal from the 3 and the Browns HOLD? Turnover on downs! I'm amazed the Browns are able to punt here and didn't allow the Steelers to score. But the punt did go off someone's helmet, so.

Touchdown Steelers. First down Browns! Duke Johnson Jr. is their best back. Kizer throws a rainbow to Josh Gordon for the touchdown! Or not, as he went out of bounds at the 2. Johnson finishes it off. Steelers coming right back. Myles Garrett gets flagged for roughing the passer on 3rd down and Adam Archuleta is not a fan of the call. Touchdown Ridley on the next play. Then Kizer comes back with another good throw to Higgins for a 56-yard touchdown and we've got something cooking here.
They're reviewing this fumble, and I don't think it's a fumble. The announcers are talking about how there should be a time limit for reviews, and I thought there was one, or at least there used to be one. Call overturned. The Browns have "BROWNS" on their uniform pants? What the hell? Horrible tackling by the Browns on this Bryant play. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Is that a fumble or an interception? 21-14 Steelers at the half.
Touchdown Browns! WE'RE TIED! JUJU RUNS BACK THE KICKOFF!! THAT. IS. SO. BROWNS.

Kizer looks good on this drive, probably the best this year. If Josh Gordon's trustworthy, whoever eventually ends up as the Browns' quarterback has a straight-up weapon. Fumble! Gay swooped in and slammed the ball out of Johnson's hand. Haden almost had an interception. That's a very late flag on that hold. And that IS an interception.




Two minutes left and the Browns are DRIVING. Fourth and 2. Kizer's dead to rights, but he escapes... and Corey Coleman straight up doesn't catch it.




Man, I know the Browns have said that Hue Jackson's not getting fired, but I'm not sure 1-31 should be survivable. (Steelers 28, Browns 24)
Bad drop by Torrey Smith, who will be elsewhere next season. Then they go for it on 4th and 7 and don't get it. Cowboys go for it on 4th and 1, as they should, and Elliott gets shut down. Third series for Foles, and he throws an interception. (After dropping a snap before that.) Fourth series and he's just off. Misfiring everywhere.
Prescott come sup short on a third-down scramble. SUDFELD. That was a nice throw to Marcus Johnson that got wiped out by a penalty. What the hell, Donnie Jones? Were you not expecting to work today?

Fumble? Fumble! Nope — holding on the Eagles. Big catch by Dez but it's coming back. Seems like every four plays there's a penalty flag. Scoreless at halftime.



Has either team crossed midfield? For a brief second I thought Elliott was going to wind up for a halfback pass. Barner almost coughed up that punt, which would have been fitting. Smallwood in for the first time in about eight weeks. 20-yard run by Sudfeld gets by far the biggest cheer of the game. And then a face mask! WE'VE CROSSED MIDFIELD, GUYS. Aaand the drive stalls. They needed another first down for a field goal try and couldn't get it. Jones pins the Cowboys at the 1. SCORELESS AFTER THREE.



Cowboys finally reach Eagles territory. Eagles bring the blitz and Prescott beats it for a touchdown to Butler. Bailey misses the extra point. Cut him. Will Beatty with a hold. Some things never change. 4th and 2, why not run the ball? Bailey shanks the field goal attempt with 13 seconds to go. Launch it. LAUNCH. IT. Good Christ. (Cowboys 6, Eagles 0)

Freeman already having a better game than last week. Touchdown Falcons. Feels like Cam's already the Panthers' leading rusher. Not a lot going on now as both defenses have tightened up. I think the Panthers only have two first downs. Well there's a third one. Third and 23, nice work. Good job, Not Cole Beasley. Same long blonde hair and same jersey number. I've never seen him before and never will again. Touchdown Funchess. 7-7 at halftime. Ryan scrambling? OK then. Touchdown Falcons. Or not, as this is being looked at. Nope. They settle for three. Cam, what was that? I'm with Aikman; I can't figure out where that was supposed to go, either. Panthers aren't having a lot of things go right on offense, either. They're still in this game because they've managed to keep the Falcons out of the end zone, but it's tenuous. They need to capitalize on that Funchess catch. He did a good job reaching out and getting it from where it needed to be (and out of Trufant's reach). Bryant from 56. That was almost blocked. Good! That feels daggerish. Cam's latest look for Olsen goes high, and it's intercepted. That may do it.




Did they really bring in a New Audience just as the Falcons knelt for the last time? That's hilarious. (Falcons 22, Panthers 10)


I'M MIKE WALLACE. The Titans have won (Boooo. They need a better coach) which I believe eliminates the Chargers. Dalton throws an interception on the run, but defensive holding nullifies it. Bengals still alive. Fourth down. Caught! TOUCHDOWN BENGALS! 44 seconds left!




Ravens have all of their time outs. Sack by Dunlap, who's been wrecking the Ravens all game. Why throw underneath, though? Fourth and 14, complete to Watson... he's short. That's unbelievable. Bengals win.



And welcome back to the playoffs, Buffalo Bills! (despite throwing away a game with Nathan Peterman) crosses off Ravens (Bengals 31, Ravens 27)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. New England (13-3) — Was there ever any doubt?
2. Philadelphia (13-3) — Mulligan!
3. Minnesota (13-3) — Prep the pillows and mattresses
4. Pittsburgh (13-3) — Ruining the Browns always goes down smooth

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (4-12) — Welcome to the hot seat
30. Indianapolis (3-13) — That soon, I guess
31. N.Y. Giants (2-14) — And back to my point at the top: Todd Bowles outlasted Ben McAdoo
32. Cleveland (0-16) — Welp

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