Thursday, September 24, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: The Wastelands

"05"? Let's get it together, graphics guys.




This is what the Broncos will have to do now — run the ball more. That's a big gain and it's going to get bigger because Smith got hit low. It seems like every play other than that one has gone for the exact same amount of yards. Mind showing us what the guy did, CBS? Charles isn't going to make this. Oh, and he fumbles!





Was Peyton even touched on that sack? That pass for Sanders sailed over his head. Now DeMarcus Ware is wreaking havoc. 3rd and 24? That's an all-time bad throw by Smith. The pass rushers of both sides are in control right now. Peyton escaped that time and found Sanders under duress. He cranked that one up, didn't he? Did Sanders drop that or was he hit from behind? Houston came in practically unblocked on that one.
Where are the people behind Game of War getting all this cash? First Kate Upton, now Mariah Carey? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Shotgun on 4th and 1? That seems like a bad idea never mind. Wait, somebody called time out? The play doesn't count? LOL. And the second time is NOT a charm. Is Eric Fisher playing tonight? No? Still hurt? Just wondering. More flags. More flags!




Charles just burst up the left side and bunny-hopped over the goal line. The Broncos can't stop this pass rush, and that's why Peyton got intercepted. A penalty on the KICKING team on the kickoff? That's... rare. And THAT one almost got picked. Let's track this. I still think if you're the Broncos, you need to run the ball to keep the Chiefs' blitzers off Peyton's back. That somersault by Sanders seemed unnecessary but whatever. And then the Chiefs throw two straight passes even though the Broncos have no time outs (for some reason) and Talib intercepts the second one. Brilliant!




That's getting overturned. That dude juggled it about three times before finally catching it and just like that we're tied. Now we've got smack talk going into the locker room, which doesn't make sense. That was almost a great catch by Thomas on the sideline.




Oh, that was good? It curved back in or something. DeAnthony is out of bounds. There's that pass rush again.




This game is playing out like a sandwich with rotted bread. Poor Alex Smith had to juke Von Miller and got nothing for his heroism. The Broncos blew up that Maclin pass attempt. And there's an interception by the Broncos. Oh God. What was Smith even trying to do there? Then Peyton throws into double coverage and it somehow doesn't get caught by ANYONE. This game deserves to end in a tie, but we don't deserve to sit through overtime of it. And thanks to Travis Kelce, we may not. And Knile Davis scores the touchdown? Fantasy owners everywhere are livid.
Really, Simms? I'd blitz like there was no tomorrow. The Broncos can't protect against it. And Thomas just had to jump to save an off-target pass. Wait, they called that uncatchable? Seriously? Thomas goes high again for a catch. One ball short and one off a receiver's fingers. SANDERS! Do the Chiefs have time to do anything? Well, there's THAT. Sweet Jesus. Can't throw it, can't run it. Was that Charles again? The Other Brandon Marshall forces the fumble.
















This is amazing. (Broncos 31, Chiefs 24)

Signal Finder: ATL @ NYG, NE @ BUF, TB @ NO (end), DAL @ PHI

Have the Falcons run the ball at all so far? I'm noticing early that the Giants seem to be getting a little more pressure on Ryan. Jones has six catches already? I don't think that ball broke the plane. Neither do the Giants. And, it turns out, neither do the refs. There's a six-inch mark? Like, specifically? Beckham's out of bounds. But not on that one. So Eli's going to run again? OK. Well hang on here. The Giants are going for it? Penalty? Yeah. At least the kick was good. It's pretty amazing how well the Falcons play-action works when you consider that they never run the ball. Of course, now they do run the ball. It looked like what happened to Casillas was what happens to receivers when they see a defender coming over the middle — he took his eyes off the ball for a split second and couldn't bring it in. That Eli to Beckham touchdown was textbook. I mean, that's the ideal end result of something so well-done. ELI RUNNING! That's the most raw athleticism that guy's ever displayed.




This is why the Patriots never let Vereen carry the ball. Look at all those missed tackles. Sad. Donnell caught that? He did! That's a good run by Andre Williams. That's Biermann's second forced fumble in two weeks. I remember the first time I saw his name was "Kroy" and we all thought it was a typo. Hey, there's Julio Jones again. Odd that after that, the Falcons run more on this drive than they have most of this game. I thought Freeman fumbled on that third and 1. Hankerson again! He's already been better in Atlanta than he ever was in Washington. Jones just mind-screwed Meriwether. (Not that that's any kind of feat.) Jeez. Broncos fans everywhere are wondering, "Where was this Robert Ayers?" I'm not sure about punting here, Falcons. Delay of game? AFTER a Falcons time out? Coughlin's lost it. And then the play clock runs down to 2! Did the Giants hire Greg Roman? (And Roman notably has not had these issues in Buffalo so far.) And then they throw short of the sticks to somebody not named Odell Beckham, Jr. That's a rookie mistake by Landon Collins — he has to touch Hankerson down there. And Jones burns them again! Flag? Oh, defensive holding. Jones's knee is down, though. Now will the Falcons do what the Giants didn't do last week?




I don't think Freeman got there but I see no way to overturn it. "MUST stand." Such candor. Beckham's been abusing Alford all game and he had to hold him there. All of Eli's passes on this drive have been high. Clayborn saved that one by getting in Eli's face and hitting his arm. Is that grounding? Eh, maybe not. And that one hit the ground. Game over. (Falcons 24, Giants 20)

Aaaaand Lesean McCoy's fantasy owners get vultured again at the goal line. Man it's loud up there. Edelman just managed to slip just far enough away to make that catch. Here's the downside of Rex Ryan: When you don't play disciplined, like most of his teams do, things go downhill really fast.




Nice camera work on the Butler interception, CBS. There were  two Bills near Gronk, but... actually, there were three. I stand corrected. And he still ran free into the end zone.




That's as good defense on Gronk as I've seen in some time, and it was by a situational pass rusher. That's a fumble. Do the Patriots not have any other running backs? Because Lewis had a bad fumble in the opener too and he actually played this week.




I wouldn't have given Fletcher No. 24 if I was the Patriots. Even if he asked for it. And that flag helps the Bills overcome another dumb penalty and score a touchdown. That pass protection. That poor Bills linebacker is so overmatched. Seriously, do the Patriots not have any other running backs? I think I'm surprised that CBS is still with this game. Brady fumbles! Bills ball and this thing might not be over yet. Two passes later it's a one-score game. Oh, and three guesses which Patriot got torched... again. Crazy catch by Amendola. This is a big 3rd down for both teams... and the Bills hold. All right, Taylor. Seventy-five seconds and no time outs. Do you have it? Apparently not, as his first pass is tipped and intercepted. (Patriots 40, Bills 32)




It's important to note that the Steelers have had kicker issues since training camp started, and they've apparently just thrown in the towel on the whole "extra point" thing. (We'll come back to this.) Man, Roethlisberger treated the 49ers secondary like it was... well, his own. (Steelers 43, 49ers 18)

Why are the Saints only calling passes in the middle of the field? They're out of time outs! That's good end zone defense by the Bucs. Chris Conte's still in the league? For the love of God, why? And that's incomplete. The Superdome fortress is no more. (Buccaneers 26, Saints 19)

And now Dez could be out for three months. Did they botch the surgery or what? (We later learned that they had to do a bone graft, of all things.) The Eagles' defense is angry to start. I just noticed the Cowboys are wearing their blue jerseys, which is still weird. That's a good punt return. Not sure about that 3rd and 1 pass. Good stop. Maxwell needed that.




That flag was late as hell. Bradford's arm was hit and the refs called the wrong number. Not a lot good going on so far for either offense. Man, Maxwell is getting no respect. Five straight tweets on my timeline asking why Ryans is on the field. What happened to my signal? This is worth challenging even though the Cowboys will probably lose it. Maybe next time. Shouldn't that have gone to Witten? Oh, that's why Ryans is on the field. ALMOST a nice catch by Austin but Patmon knocked the ball out. He may already be their best defensive back. Nothing is working for the Eagles so far. Buck: "I hope America likes defense."




We're still going with the gold 50-yard lines? And then when they get a first down, it gets called back. Is there nothing open down the field? Really? Against a secondary this bad? There's another penalty against the Cowboys and that's the biggest reason it's still only 3-0. And now The Eagles commit two stupid penalties in a row. And now a hold on Ryans gives the Cowboys another first down. No Kiko and now Kendricks is out. Wait, what? Yeah, I don't see how that's a fumble. Wait, WHAT? What was that penalty? Oh. Thanks for finally getting to it, FOX crew. That Romo bootleg was not planned but that entire side of the field flew open.




Another false start. Aikman's not a fan of that illegal contact on Maxwell. Somehow, the Eagles' defense, despite all the penalties and blowing the Romo run, managed to bleed enough clock to keep the Cowboys out of the end zone. That's kind of amazing.






The Eagles' running game is getting blown up on every play. Even the tackles can't help any more. Oh God. A blocked punt returned for a touchdown and the punter's hurt. Remember when the Eagles used to do that to other teams? Pereira's against the flag being picked up for that hit and that might be it. I actually have to disagree here... the helmet-to-helmet was incidental. STOP DROPPING PASSES. Lance Dunbar just lit the lamp for a 39-yard catch. The bow may have finally broken. Fumble! But they didn't return it for a touchdown so it may not make a difference. Also, Romo is down. Now he's leaving the field. Corrente's explanations have been Hochuli-esque. All of Murray's best plays as an Eagle so far have been in the passing game. Brandon Weeden's being told he will not actually throw any passes. That's obvious pass interference. Wait, the Eagles are in the red zone? I don't think we've seen Ryan Mathews yet. What the hell, Bradford? There was nothing there. This game's over. Seriously, that was the worst interception of the entire weekend. Even worse than the Nebraska quarterback, who at least was on the run outside the pocket.




Jordan Matthews can't catch anything. Lot of anger in this stadium right now. Murray hurdles Carr! Aikman says what I'm thinking: Why is the kicker on the sideline grabbing anyone? I thought that was going to go against Murray for throwing the ball at him but I'm glad they got it right. Bad throw by Bradford, who missed a wide open Agholor. At least they got a field goal out of it? Man, I don't know. What the hell, Bradford? Kelce's furious — did they get crossed up on the snap count? A few things are becoming apparent: Letting Evan Mathis walk was a mistake. (Herremans not so much.) They could have paid Maxwell 20 million less and found another corner with the rest of that money. Did... did that actually just happen? I mean, did that really just happen?





Apparently I also missed all six of the balls Jordan Matthews DID catch. Welp, looks like the NFC East sucks again this year.




The Eagles' leading rusher? Sam Bradford. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, PEOPLE. (Cowboys 20, Eagles 10)

And here's a hell of a thing: The guy the Jaguars kept when they traded Josh Scobee to the Steelers? He kicked the game winner. (Jaguars 23, Dolphins 20)

THE ULTIMATE GRUDGE MATCH. McCarthy's been there 10 years? Christ. I've lost all perception of time. Earl Thomas MAY have gotten away with one there. And of course McCarthy's going to punt on 4th and 1 with a top-five back. Wait, I take that back. Of course McCarthy's going to blow a challenge on how many players the Seahawks had on the field. Wait, the 12th guy was Avril, who was going off injured? That's SO PETTY.
Why is James Jones so hot right now? Rodgers zipped that past Sherman, I think. And look: They actually threw in his direction! Maybe they've learned something from last year.




And now the Packers call time out for no apparent reason.
Someone on the Packers blew a coverage. Hey, a Fred Jackson sighting. Are the Packers really out of time outs already? Of COURSE they are! Because MIKE McCARTHY!  Why is Rodgers in a position to have to stiff-arm people? Fumble! Another Packer down?
Lynch has struggled... well, not quite ad bad a Murray, but pretty bad. as the Seahawks' line isn't that good either. Jeez, the Packers are running out of dudes fast.




Did Cobb not get in? First off, Cary Williams held him, because he's Cary Williams. Then we need to see if he stepped out of bounds first. THEN we need to see if he got both feet down or not.




Wow, that's close. I think it's a touchdown. of course I also thought Cobb scored on the last play so what do I know? So no catch. But what about the hold, ref? And now an incompletion. Field goal! This first half wasn't Cowboys-Eagles bad but it's been pretty bad. Why does Luke Willson have more catches than Jimmy Graham? Touchdown... Fred Jackson? OK. Wilson just ran 20 yards without even breaking a sweat. Touchdown Baldwin. That was a laser. Starks just broke one with a nice slip to the right side. Michael Bennett's pretty great when he's not jumping offside. That was almost blocked. (Yes, I'm ignoring the fact that McCarthy kicked an 18-yard field goal. With no Lacy it's a little more justifiable A little.) Lynch fumbles! That's a lot of flags. Oh, the Packers were offside? OK then. And they have to burn a time out after the clock stopped? That's probably grounding but who knows what the hell the grounding rules are anymore. Oh, Ty Montgomery's in the NFL finally? Felt like he was at Stanford for seven years. At least Byron Maxwell doesn't do that, I guess? This is probably a touchdown, and Rodgers helped with that by just running around for five seconds.




Aaron could have run for that two-point conversion almost. Oh, dude caught that! Despite being interfered with. I'm pretty sure Russell Wilson's the Seahawks' leading rusher tonight. That's either a good play by the defensive lineman to intercept that or Wilson badly overthrew that screen. That's definitely a fumble. The Seahawks guy has the ball though? Oh well. NOW what? This game has been hard to watch. This hatred is real as hell. Wright got run? He got into a scrape earlier tonight, too. That's bad for the Seahawks.
The Packers are just killing time now. And there's Crosby to put them up 10.




PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. This was not a good day for aesthetics. But a little better for revenge. (Packers 27, Seahawks 17)

Friggin' bagpipes? What is this madness? Nice stop — 3-4 ends aren't easy to find. Remember when Frank Gore was an Eagle? That was a fun six hours. So. Many. Penalties. Todd Bowles likes to blitz. Luck had to throw in a hurry and Andre Johnson couldn't bring it in.




Vontae Davis is wondering what happened. You grabbed Brandon Marshall's foot, that's what happened. Did Folk change his number? Well, that's better. CLANG. Viniatieri MISSED? Not much going on here. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Fitzpatrick. There's really no difference here, people. The Colts' offense looks like the Eagles'.





Oh boy, Davis is out? The Colts literally have no cornerbacks left. Wow, even this game sucks. Fumble! Luck has to slide at some point during that run, right? Pylon Cam is about 8 years overdue. Good stand by the Colts' defense. Folk MISSED? Dear Lord. I thought Luck overthrew that one to Hilton and it landed in the end zone. Now what? Jesus. Gore juggled that three times before fumbling it. And it's a touchback to boot, so the Jets aren't even pinned at the 1 or anything like that. If the Jets had a quarterback they'd be up 28-0. This Colts offensive line graphic is hilarious and sad. And almost as if on cue, the Jets' pressure forces Luck into another mistake. HOT MIC.




Good catch and run by Hilton before he comes up limping. The Colts can't afford to lose anybody else. Touchdown! The Colts can still win this game if you can believe it. And here's where having no cornerbacks hurt the Colts. Marshall killed everyone left on that score. Like, physically.




(Jets 20, Colts 7)
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Thursday, September 17, 2015

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 1: The Blood In Your Eye Test

Because when I think of "the best music for an NFL season kickoff concert in the nearest major city to the actual site of the Super  Bowl", I think Ellie Goulding as well. Good job, NFL. Of course, I can't be too hard on the 49er fans — that's the happiest those poor people will be all season. "All I Do Is Win?" Oh, GO TO HELL.




And what a song to waste on the least crunk fan base in all of sports. Don't believe me? The guy in the suit in this GIF is from New Hampshire. The woman's from Connecticut.


Man, those holes wouldn't be there if Vince Wilfork was still around. Um... what was that, exactly?






Meanwhile, the Patriots just wasted a perfectly acceptable Brady deep ball. Let's all keep going backwards! Wait, what? The Steelers were getting the Patriots' radio broadcast in their helmets? No shame. None whatsoever. That wouldn't even have been called a horse collar, Cris. Pretty boring game so far, actually. We're still talking about the radios? And we're just now getting to the Steelers' defense in the SECOND QUARTER? And just when it looked like Edelman was going to be the best player on the field tonight, Gronk shows up. This is the best work Luke McCown's ever done. And there's Bradley Fletcher getting torched. By DHB, no less.




This Josh Scobee performance so far is Suisham-esque. More Edelman. Hey, a Danny Amendola sighting! There have been a few too many Brady quarterback sneaks in this game for my taste. And Gronk wins a jump ball. The Steelers are getting clowned on the back end tonight.




Al just said it: They're putting together drives, but they're failing on 3rd and 4th downs. Which is why they're going for it here. Why didn't they call a time out? They're wasting time. How did DHB botch that? Did he go out of bounds and come back in? Why are they calling time out after an incompletion? Did Mike McCarthy take over? Hey, Scobee made one. He gets to stay for the second half.

Was this supercut really necessary? I don't even remember P!nk ever doing the NBC football theme. And why is Cowboys-Giants the Sunday night game? If I'm the Seahawks, I'm pissed.

The Steelers can't cover any Patriot of any height, it seems. Let's see how this drive fizzles out. Plot twist: IT DOESN'T. Going for two already? Scobee must already be toast. (And remember they moved the extra point back this year for no good reason.)




DeAngelo Williams has 100 yards already? Wilfork couldn't have prevented that. He's been good. Nice catch, Wheaton. That's.. pretty blatant pass interference by Chung. Wow, that's a costly false start. How is Gronk getting this open? This is unreal.




Terrible tackling on Dion Lewis. FUMBLE? TOUCHDOWN GRONK. JESUS H. CHRIST. The ball was RIGHT there! How did 29 for Pittsburgh not see it? Wait, he wasn't in? Oh. Well this may just be a matter of time. And there it is after three tries. Turn around, dude. Now it's raining. And now the announcers are talking about the deflated balls. And now Ben just threw a bad pick. This is dedication. I mean, the game's over but all of these people still have to go out and grind. And there's the backdoor push!




(Patriots 28, Steelers 21)

Signal Finder: MIA @ WAS, GB @ CHI, KC @ HOU (end), SEA @ STL (OT), BAL @ DEN








What was that about? (Repeat for the next three hours.) (Bills 27, Colts 14)

Inside draw on 3rd and 13? Good job, Jay Gruden. Cousins somehow managed to overthrow Desean by five yards after he got held. And now Desean's limping and he's not happy about it. And then they miss the field goal? Garcon just hip-tossed Grimes to the ground. Good call, ref. And Cousins got baited into that interception — he was already on the run and he rushed the throw. The Dolphins are going for it here? That wasn't even close. One thing about the Redskins so far: they're keeping the Dolphins' offense off the field. This is taking too long. The Dolphins' defender either fell down or was pushed on the Reed touchdown. Look at Griffin pretending to be happy there.




Oh, look, the guy who cheap shotted Foles last year just gave the Dolphins 15 more yards. Why won't the Dolphins try a run here? Are they out of time outs? Nice coverage. Jesus. Tannehill gets sacked, fumbles, and then two Dolphins fumble it back about 40 yards before the Redskins finally get it.




And nothing comes of it. WHY did Tannehill throw it into double coverage, and HOW did Culliver not intercept that? A hold on a sack? Wow, Dolphins. Wow. And the Redskins are still slogging down the field and chewing up clock.





Oh, so it's the special teams that are going to let the Redskins down today? OK. I mean, that was ridiculous. Right up the gut on a punt return? Watching it again, the kick was bad — the coverage never got down there. There's the Kirk Cousins we know and love. Although, that was a hell of a play to pick that off.




Now the Redskins have to go for it. What was that? And then the defense gives up a first down on 2nd and 16. Good job, guys. (Dolphins 17, Redskins 10)





Speaking of, what are these uniforms, Bears? I'm not sure if it's a psychological thing that Adam Gase is going for — Aikman said he said that the Bears' new pace would help Cutler take "more ownership" of what happens at the line. How is that still a problem? Strip sack? Maybe Cutler should have called the play faster. Oh, this is getting overturned. Never mind. James Jones back! That's good coverage, but a perfectly placed throw by Rodgers. Forte... probably should have been able to get his feet down there. And the Packers jump offside on the field goal? Wow. Forte's not having a good last few plays. Neither is Sam Shields on the other side. But the guy who held Clay Matthews was just trying to save Cutler's life, so that's understandable. And finally the Bears reach the end zone. Another nice catch by Jones for the Packers, but another bad penalty wipes it out. Now everybody's mad at this poor line judge. The Packers are killing themselves with penalties right now. This might be worth challenging, even though they'll probably lose. Jones is making it look easy. Clutch catch by Jeffrey to keep the drive going. Another field goal? I suppose. There's a gaping hole for Rodgers to run through to get a first down there. Whoa! McCarthy goes for it for once and GETS it. Maybe he's learned something. Another solid run by Rodgers. That's a fantastic throw by Rodgers on the Cobb touchdown and that's why he's Number One And The Best. Big-time conversion by Cutler and No. 10. Do you try Forte down here? Man, that's twice on this series that Cutler's almost been picked off. And the fourth-down throw was too high. That's a good stand by the Bears' defense after the Packers held on at the goal line. There have been some big third down conversions in this game — the Bears just got another one. I can't put all of that on Cutler, though — Matthews made a great break on the ball. Still, it keeps happening to him, and especially against that team.




I mean, that's kind of ridiculous. Garbage time touchdown? OK. (Packers 31, Bears 23)

We're seeing why Brian Hoyer is a career backup. Randy Bullock with that pinball field goal. This game wasn't that close, really. (Chiefs 27, Texans 20)

Wait, Cary Williams made a play? I'm stunned. Legitimately stunned. And you can't blame him for the Kendricks touchdown that tied the game, either: the guy who fell down was Chancellor's replacement. An onside kick to start overtime? Pretty ballsy, Seahawks. That was a mess all the way around, but at least they got it right eventually.




That's a good throw by Foles to Bailey. Man, Pete Carroll can't win. This time he gives the ball to Lynch and he gets stuffed. (Lynch also came to a dead stop before cutting back inside for some reason.)




Why an onside kick, though? Especially in a dome when you know the Rams' kicker can break 60?




Oh. (Rams 34, Seahawks 31, OT)

Also, a CBS doubleheader on Week 1. That's just WEIRD, yo. Nantz is already predicting a Steve Smith-Aqib Talib fight. And really, it's at least 40/60 that it happens, right? We got an official down? What happened here? 57 and 56 yard field goals already? Wow. And the Ravens have no answer for the Broncos' pass rushers right now. They flagged Dumervil for that? I was sure he was drawn off. Line judge broke his collar bone. Not good. Apparently, this is going to be the long field goal game of the year. Tucker just hit from 52. Not a lot going on here so far. I see Kyle Arrington's brought his special brand of suck to Baltimore. Sanders could have caught that. That... wasn't good, either.




That's two pick-sixes to bookend this quarter. I'm not sure what Flacco was going for there, but Talib sure was. The Ravens haven't done anything else since taking the lead. Oh man, this Nantz-Simms convo on skydiving, though. And I was WAITING for Nantz to drop "You got paid for that" after Simms said he got hit by Reggie White for a living. Welcome to the red zone, guys! Wow, that's a long time. 10:43? I know this drive has felt like it's gone on forever... and it turns out it actually has. And that'll force a field goal. Well, if anyone can do this, it's Flacco. The Broncos have some depth in that secondary — this Roby kid's played pretty well too. He jumped in front of Smith, who's only 5-8, 5-9. And the next one gets intercepted! That was doomed from the start. (Broncos 19, Ravens 13)




I mean, it's what the Lions do, you know? Thirty straight points, though! It's like the bad old days have returned. (Chargers 33, Lions 28)




As I said when it happened: One of these franchises has never developed a franchise quarterback. The other has a coach who doesn't have the best track record with quarterbacks and now has one who's style is the complete opposite of what he wants. And as I think that, Winston's first pass has been pick-sixed and Mariota's already thrown for two touchdowns. I didn't even realize the league put this matchup in week 1 until kickoff. Good job, league. Seriously. (Titans 42, Buccaneers 14)

No Cruz? What happened? The Giants have a starting linebacker wearing No. 47? That rabbit hole is DEEP. The Cowboys are still committed to running the ball, which is admirable, especially after that almost-fumble by Randle on the first set of downs. That's the most effort I've seen from DRC in about five years.




The Cowboys are pushing the Giants around right now with relative ease. Hey, they got a stop. I'm surprised they stopped running the ball down here, too. And then the Giants cough it up, but a penalty on gigantic free-agent bust Brandon Carr negates it. Oh, the runner was down. nNever mind the Carr thing, then — he only cost them more yards. That's incomplete — I'm not sure Beckham ever had control, much less was able to make a football move. Dude jumps offside and Eli thinks he has a free play and makes a God-awful throw into double coverage that Carr almost picks off. Oh boy, DRC's down? The Giants don't have anybody else back there as it is. Now Dez is walking off? That's even worse. I'm not sure if Romo missed that pass or if Terrance Williams did. Good job on that punt return, Giants. ELI RUN. The Cowboys are challenging this one, too? For what? That it was incomplete? They might win this one, actually, but this is a Marvin Lewis-esque use of challenges here.




I'm amazed this game is 3-3 with how bad these defenses have the potential to be. Nice drop, Dez. This game has been hard to watch. Wait, why did Beasley turn back up field? Was that a fumble? Holy Jebus, that's ridiculous. None of that should have happened. Touchdown Giants! WOW. And why is Romo running over there and not making an effort to tackle him? Then he throws another one to Witten, who lets it get TAKEN out of his hands. This is delicious. So, so delicious. I don't think Eli's past the line of scrimmage here but it looks close. Not that it matters; the Cowboys are out of challenges anyway. Did Beckham try to do it again? That was Preston Parker, who the Giants kept instead of James Jones. Did Joseph Randle just one-hand that pass? Oh, I'm not sure about that. Didn't look like DRC touched him at all. And of course it leads to a Cowboys touchdown. Collinsworth is right — Amukamara and DRC, surprisingly, have both played well tonight.





Wait, why is Shane Vereen a Giant? And why is Eli throwing blocks on a sweep on 3rd and 2? Lot of overthrows tonight.




Wow, Brandon Meriwether used his helmet on the BALL for once. That wouldn't have happened to Dez. Touchdown Giants! They said he didn't make the end zone? No, he didn't. Collinsworth: "Well, if there's ever anybody who's not going to assume that yard, it's Al Michaels and myself." No worries. Then the Cowboys come back and race down the field Chip  Kelly style. I guess Beckham didn't hear the whistle blow. The clock operator is strug-guh-LING.  Wait, what's this? Unsportsmanlike conduct on the Cowboys? Yeah, dude knocked the other guy's helmet off. Not smart. And then they jump offside on a 3rd down and Eli completed the pass anyway. We're probably done here. Wait, why are the Giants throwing the ball? And why are they kicking the field goal now? And where in the blue hell is Dez Bryant? These teams, man.




And in that 30 seconds the Cowboys gain 50 yards. Jesus H. Christ. Witten bounced off four guys.




The Giants aren't good enough to give away games like they just gave away this one. (Cowboys 27, Giants 26)

Someone tell the graphics guys that Kyle Shanahan's the OFFENSIVE coordinator. If that's not the worst hold ever, it's certainly the least effective. The Falcons are out-Eagles-ing the Eagles, if that's a word that makes sense. KIKO!! Welcome aboard, finally. He one-handed it! That's sick.




The Eagles' timing is off — Huff wasn't ready for that second pass, then Bradford just missed Miles Austin for a probable touchdown. Logan sliced through the Falcons' offensive line there. I'm surprised to see Carroll on Jones so often. Perhaps they should try something else, because Jones is cutting them up right now.




Huff's getting more run early than I expected. That's a bad drop by Mathews. Then Jordan Matthews gets held up and Chip might go for this. Ertz! Dome's not real loud tonight. That was weird — the camera on that punt was on the line of scrimmage like the Eagles were actually going to go for it there. That's a... questionable penalty. Kendricks damn near jumped offside. That last minute went about as badly as possible for the Eagles: An interception, followed by a fumble that got nullified by another questionable call, followed by a Jones touchdown, and they can't stop that guy. This first half doesn't want to end. This actually could — and probably should — have been a lot worse. That'll help, though. Good job, Walter Thurmond. Touchdown! Good blocking by Kelce and Johnson so Murray could score.




Both punters have been quite good tonight, for whatever that matters. That's the first time we've seen Riley Cooper since training camp. The Eagles are committing some costly penalties tonight. And there's another one. Good work by Ryan Mathews to convert that, and you could see on the replay the downfield options weren't open.




That Sproles sweep was a great play call with Peters having to come off the field. Huh, they ran left. Who says Murray can't make guys miss? That's how it's done. This Coleman kid is fast. The thing is, these penalties on both teams have almost all come at particularly bad times, wiping out important plays. We got jawjackers after a field goal? Really? Damn, Sproles just couldn't stay inbounds or he's still running. Good jump by Ertz to catch that. This might be worth a challenge. Or not, as Ryan Mathews gets some help to get into the end zone. 80 yards in 2:12. When this thing pops, it POPS. Of course... I mean, you knew the Falcons would have to try that at some point. And there's another key penalty at a key time. Chip probably should have called a time out there, regardless of what he was going to do. And what he was going to do almost doesn't matter — but he didn't give himself enough time to decide. That's a huge stop by Jenkins on 3rd down. All right. One shot to go. Oh, boy, Matthews has to catch that. This was basically last year's opener with the opposite result. (Falcons 26, Eagles 24)

At least Papelbon blew a save. AND THE NATIONALS STILL WON. The hell with all of this. (Nationals 8, Phillies 7, 11 innings)




I'm surprised the 49ers are running the ball with so much impunity early. FIELD GOAL BLOCK! Berman got caught mid-sentence and has no idea how to finish it. And he's not even my least favorite member of this broadcast team — I inexplicably hate Trent Dilfer. (My favorite person here tonight is Lindsay Czarniak.) And then the Vikings miss their field goal attempt. My God. Kaepernick's lucky he's not dead. Reggie Bush already limping off. Vikings moved first. OHHHHHH. Not in the neutral zone. Were the 49ers ever going to snap that ball in the first place?




What in God's name... are those dudes wearing top hats with VIKING HORNS ON THEM? The special teams have been hilarious tonight.




The Peterson catch-and-run when he dragged six 49ers like eight yards is the first good thing that's happened to either team. Mike Wallace with a drop? SHOCKING. Dilfer just said "Maybe we should call the game and not use names." And now we've got a punt return for a touchdown that Dilfer is sure is coming back. I mean, it is, but still. Let's see how the Niners screw this up. PLOT TWIST: THEY DON'T. Sick spin move by Carlos Hyde. How is this half not over yet? That Bridgewater Hail Mary was pathetic. Defensive holding? The field goal team is ON THE FIELD. Wait, now it's off. And they throw a 30-yard post that gets nothing. Dilfer's trying so hard to sell us on this disaster of a 49ers offseason. This game is unwatchable AND unlistenable. I will say this: At least now the 49ers get their plays off on time. Carlos Hyde's been the only good thing about this game. And finally Bridgewater's found something. That ended... predictably. The Vikings wide receivers really aren't good.




I'm stunned by how little Adrian Peterson it seems like there's been in this game, especially with how much the 49ers are riding Hyde. If Urban Meyer had done that three years ago, he'd have four national titles. Touchdown Hyde and this feels like it's over. Even the cheerleaders' uniforms are ugly. Bad throw by Bridgewater leads to an interception and NOW it's over.




Is the clock at zero? Someone please tell me the clock's at zero. Someone? Anyone? (49ers 20, Vikings 3)
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Sunday, September 13, 2015

Fearful Forecast 2015: NFC

EAST

 (3) Philadelphia: I'm on record as hating the Sam Bradford trade, and letting Jeremy Maclin walk still has me scratching my head. But I'm also a big believer in both the "change of scenery" and the law of averages. A completely rebuilt secondary should be an improvement over last year's model, and IF Bradford can stay upright, this offense could do great things. Plus, there's the fact that I simply can't trust...

(5) Dallas: This happens every time during the Romo era: The Cowboys disappoint the pundits for a few years in a row, then when expectations finally lower, they have a big season, only to slip back into the same old pattern the following year. A committee of unimpressive running backs will try to replace DeMarco Murray, but a defense that overachieved most of last season still has some serious problems to overcome.

N.Y. Giants: Ever since they announced Tom Coughlin was coming back after last season, this season has like Andy Reid's last season with the Eagles, and I don't see any reason it won't end the same way. The offense gets Victor Cruz back to pair with Odell Beckham Jr. for a full season, but the defense, normally a G-Men trademark, has fallen on hard times.

Washington: RGIII's concussion gave coach Jay Gruden the ammo to give the starting quarterback job to Kirk Cousins, who's 2-7 as a starter and was benched last year for Colt McCoy. New defensive coordinator Joe Barry's last DC job was with the 0-16 Lions, so that's what's happening on that side of the ball. Another last-place finish awaits.

NORTH
(2) Green Bay: Yes, losing WR Jordy Nelson hurts. But the Packers still have Aaron Rodgers, which counts for a lot, and Eddie Lacy appears to be becoming the kind of back who can make Rodgers even more dangerous. If we're being honest, the biggest obstacle to the Packers' returning to the Super Bowl is the head coach on their sideline, who gave away the NFC Championship game with ridiculously conservative playcalling.

Minnesota: A trendy pick to trend upward, and with good reason: Teddy Bridgewater appears to be legitimate, the defense improved significantly under first-year head coach Mike Zimmer, and, oh by the way, they're getting Adrian Peterson back. I'm not personally in love with their receiving corps, but if they can find something there as well, the Vikings could take an even bigger step.

Detroit: The Lions will slide back a bit mainly due to losing Suh and Nick Fairley from their defensive line, which will affect their entire defense, and not in a good way. (Though it may help their image.) Rookie running back Ameer Abdullah has people excited.

Chicago: John Fox has Work To Do. The whole operation fell apart last year, to the point where Jay Cutler was benched for Jimmy Clausen, of all people, at one point. Speaking of Cutler, with an all-new and inferior crop of receivers, how many more chances is he going to get?

SOUTH

 (4) Atlanta: This was the worst division in football last year with the possible exception of the ACC Coastal. (Coincidence?) With no real standout team, I'm going with the one that has the potential to improve the most -- Dan Quinn's likely a better head coach than Mike Smith, and him being a defensive guy will help a defense that really needs the help.

(6) New Orleans: For the first time in about a decade, I'm questioning Drew Brees. The stats looked like his usual last season, but he made a lot more mistakes than we're used to seeing from him. Is this the start of a decline? The Saints will also need Brandin Cooks to evolve into their new No. 1 receiver, as Marques Colston fell off a cliff last year. The biggest thing: Can they reclaim home field advantage?

Tampa Bay: There will be growing pains for Jameis Winston. It's inevitable. But having Vincent Jackson and Mike Evans around will help. But you wonder how well a rookie will fare in close games, which the Bucs lost more than their share of last year.

Carolina: Cam Newton can't catch a break. He's lost his best receiver (again), his offensive line is still awful (what's happened to Michael Oher?), and his defense has to find a pass rusher to replace the disgraceful and departed Greg Hardy. And they couldn't break .500 last year.

 WEST
 (1) Seattle: Jimmy Graham will be the best thing that ever happened to Russell Wilson. They could have used him in the Super Bowl, am I right? Sorry, too soon. But he'll give that offense the big-play guy they need in the passing game. The defense lost a f couple guys, but should remain essentially unimpeachable.

Arizona: This all depends on keeping Carson Palmer upright. The rest of the team is transitioning as Michael Floyd and John Brown rise up to supplant Larry Fitzgerald at receiver, and the defense will have to replace tackle Dan Williams and find a pass rush.

St. Louis: The Rams' defense may be as good as the Seahawks', but they have to start winning to get that respect. Will new quarterback Nick Foles get the lift from his new supporting cast that Sam Bradford never did? Is Jeff Fisher anything but a mediocre coach? A lot of people suddenly have a lot to prove.

San Francisco: The 49ers may have had one of the worst offseasons in my lifetime. As much as the multiple losses on defense hurt (including the coordinator, who should have gotten the head job here), they also lost two-thirds of an offensive line that was supposed to anchor them for a decade, which puts the quarterback in more peril, and without a coach with the acumen to get him out of it... do you see where I'm going here? This is going to be a disaster.




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Thursday, September 10, 2015

Fearful Forecast 2015: AFC

EAST

(2) New England: What's it like being the champions of one of the NFL's worst seasons ever? Their two biggest victories so far in 2015 (Super Bowl 49 and Deflategate) have come solely from their opponents' incompetence. Most of the gang is back, and they're still the class of this division, but a dramatically weakened defense could prevent a repeat... or they could channel their anger and cut a swath of destruction.

Miami: Ryan Tannehill's the best of the remaining quarterbacks, and Ndamukong Suh, earned reputation aside, simply makes defenses better. But I'm not sure I'm sold on Joe Philbin as a head coach, and I'm also not sure if Tannehill's quite good enough to take the next step in what's an important season for this franchise.

Buffalo: It seems odd that Rex Ryan would choose a situation so similar to the one he left with the Jets -- a strong defense in place, a reliable running game with new import LeSean McCoy, and about 500 questions at quarterback. Tyrod Taylor's the starter for now, but he's an unknown quantity, and what does he really have?

N.Y. Jets: I feel like only the Jets could have their starting quarterback get hurt in a locker room fight. Geno Smith's replacement, Ryan Fitzpatrick, is basically a McCown brother with a Harvard degree. Darrelle Revis is back to fill a desperate need in the secondary. Brandon Marshall has joined Eric Decker in a revamped receiving corps. So why are they still going to finish last? Because they're the Jets, that's why.

SOUTH

(1) Indianapolis: Both Andrew Luck and Chuck Pagano made The Leap last season, with Luck actually turning into one of the league's best quarterbacks and Pagano extracting maximum value out of what (still) isn't a great roster. Andre Johnson, now in full ring-chasing mode, replaces Reggie Wayne, but a pair of deficient lines may be the Colts' eventual undoing.

Houston: It's not going to be easy on offense, where the low-ceiling Brian Hoyer takes over at quarterback and no one's sure when running back Arian Foster will return from a preseason injury. But the Texans still have J.J. Watt, and if Jadaveon Clowney can get healthy and live up to expectations, this defense could be a terror.

Jacksonville: Last year I criticized the Jaguars for drafting another Blaine Gabbert in Blake Bortles. I'd like to apologize, as Bortles is already as good as Gabbert ever was. There's a lot of young potential on offense that's worth keeping an eye on down the road, but the future's pretty far away for these guys.

Tennessee: The Titans lost the coin flip, basically. Rookie Marcus Mariota isn't the type of quarterback coach Ken Whisenhunt prefers, and there'll be a lot of growing pains because of that (and because of a roster that's not very good at all) but he'll at least give this franchise something to identify itself by, which it hasn't had in a long time.

 NORTH

 (4) Cincinnati: I mean, why not? The Bengals have the best overall roster in this mediocre division, even if adjusting to two new coordinators hurt both side of the ball slightly. The question, as always, remains this: Can Andy Dalton get over his poor playoff performances and actually spark a run? Or is this the best he's capable of?

(6) Pittsburgh: The Steelers' defense is in the middle of a complete overhaul with the retirements of Troy Polamalu and Ike Taylor and the dismissal of coordinator Dick LeBeau. Make no mistake; this team will now be driven by its offense, and it's an offense that can be as good as anybody's when they get all of their players back.

Baltimore: Somebody had to be the odd team out. To be honest, what I just said about the Steelers' defense could also apply to the Ravens' offense, as they'll be looking for new passing targets with Torrey Smith's departure and Steve Smith Sr. on his self-declared last legs. Still, this is a team that's proven it can steal some wins, sneak into the playoffs, and get dangerous once it gets there.

Cleveland: It's popular to say that the Browns may have a chance with how down this division is... but they really don't. Nothing about their offense is impressive -- Dwayne Bowe and Brian Hartline don't scare anyone, and Josh McCown continues to prove that his brief flash of greatness with the Bears was a supreme outlier. Even with a solid defense, there isn't enough here to make a real contender.

WEST

 (3) Denver: Seventy-five percent of Peyton Manning is still better than what a lot of teams have at quarterback, which is good, because seventy-five percent of Peyton Manning may be all that's left. The Broncos will have to hope they can maintain a running game behind an all-new offensive line. An underrated secondary anchors a defense that also has a few holes.

(5) Kansas City: The Chiefs should break their "no touchdowns from a wide receiver" drought by Week... 3? I'm kidding, mostly. They probably should have made the playoffs last season, but some bad losses at bad times shut that down. Some more consistency on offense should help in that respect.

San Diego: Another team sitting in the middle of the AFC pack. The Chargers had a similar season to the Chiefs, where they were plagued by inconsistency at the worst possible times and also blew a shot at a playoff berth. Oh, and this may or may not be their last season in San Diego...

Oakland: Are... are the Raiders actually building something here? Rookie quarterback Derek Carr showed enough, if only in flashes, that they didn't worry about upgrading in the offseason, instead drafting receiver Amari Cooper and spending big money to fortify their lines. Oh, and this may or may not be their last season in Oakland.

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