Sunday, September 14, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Grand Spectacle



Victoria Justice > Ariana Grande. It's true and you know it. SECURE THE FOOTBALL. I see the Seahawks' defense is in midseason form. There's really no good reason for Earl Thomas to be returning punts. That's incomplete all the way - the defender never had possession. Oh, he did run into the punter. OK. Well there's our first Soundgarden bumper of the night. Aaaand that's one of the reasons Earl Thomas returning punts is a bad idea.


The Packers are pleased by this development. Touchdown! Hey, I know you're surprised to see Percy Harvin still on the field, but when he is, try covering him. That play fake was tremendous.


Bobby Wagner's fast because Randall Cobb's really fast. Yeah, that's a penalty. We're tied. Sweet one-handed grab by Miller, who was their highest-paid player last season. (Needless to say, he isn't now.) Oh man, Bulaga's knee AGAIN? BEAST MODE. That wasn't particularly beastly, though. More like Feral Mode. I want to make a Ha Ha Clinton-Dix joke but it'd just be terrible and he's suffered enough already tonight. That snap was... problematic. Was Rodgers trying to call time?
Stop giving away first downs, Packers. You're still rolling out Coach T, NBC? Really? And now the Seahawks start grinding with Lynch. Not the best throw by Rodgers but Nelson needs to catch that. Maxwell played well last year when all their other guys got suspended — that's not surprising at all. How do you confuse a flag and a bean bag? Kevin Williams is still in the league? I'm surprised the Packers are going for this. Cliff Avril's been singlehandedly destroying this Packers offensive line. Then Bennett straight-up murked Sherrod on that safety. The Packers' "amoeba" defense seems pretty sickly. There's Lynch again and we may be done here. Time to see if Federer can hang on.



Packers are doing an awful lot of running here. Hey, that worked. Someone blew up that two-point conversion.



Here's a Derrick Coleman who's easy to root for. NOW we're done here. The Packers have lost about five offensive linemen tonight. Meanwhile, Federer just did to this kid what the Seahawks did to the Packers.


Oh man, he's right. Wilson's not as dynamic as Kaepernick, but it's the same kind of stuff. It really is.
(Seahawks 36, Packers 16)

Signal Finder: JAX @ PHI, NO @ ATL  (end of regulation), BUF @ CHI (OT), SF @ DAL

Catalon, Tasker and Buerelein? This is the CBS equivalent of whenever Chris Myers has to do a game for FOX. Are the Jaguars' two-tone helmets new? They should send them back. Not even close. Ertz! Oh, that's a fumble, isn't it? Someone bit on that play fake, didn't they? Yeah, looks like Allen got caught and the receiver beat Williams to the inside. The tuck rule never made sense. Oh, right, I forgot CBS hired Mike Carey to be their Pereira. Another fumble? Come on, Nick. Throw the ball. Allen Hurns is out here setting records. This feels like the Cardinals are in town. Foles looks confused. Wait, how is THAT A fumble? He was clearly throwing it, I thought. I'd have gone for it here, myself. But that punt was deadly. I mean, obviously nobody scouted this Hurns kid because he wasn't drafted but this is ridiculous. That's a questionable horse-collar call. The fans just saw that replay and now they're really mad.


Hey, something went wrong for the Jaguars! Nice catch by Matthews. And Foles ruins it by throwing an absolutely terrible interception in the end zone.


And Henne's marching the Jags down the field now. This is pathetic. Blocked! Scobee's day is getting worse. Now Mathis is hurt. Then Foles got hit and Sanchez grabbed his helmet but nothing came of it. Now Barbre's going off the field and the injuries are piling up. What is going on? Cyprien's head just bounced off the grass. Oh no not ANOTHER one. Wait, this should get reversed. Why are you punting, Chip?



I see Cowher's taken over Shannon Sharpe's role of making horrible puns during the halftime highlights. That's on Matthews. Go for it, Chip. SPROLES!! That's a career-long touchdown run for him? Weird. Get stops, guys. Good work. ERTZ!! That'll stand. Fletcher almost picked that off. The Jaguars suddenly can't do anything on offense. You know who's been playing consistently well for the Eagles today is the front seven. Knocking down balls, stuffing the run. All right, kid. 51 yards? GOOD. This might get held up because there was no "football move" but it's a good challenge by Chip. That'll stand, and I'm guessing that's the reason. MACLIN!!!! DeSean who? Also, nice coverage.



Henne got GOT. Jags going for it. Not a good throw by Henne. BIG MAN RUMBLE.


That was a long way to get there. And I'm not talking about Fletcher Cox's touchdown. (Eagles 34, Jaguars 17)

As great as Tom Brady is, Miami has not been kind to him. (Dolphins 33, Patriots 20)

Oh, the Saints did re-sign Shayne Graham at some point last week. They cut both their kickers on the final cutdown day and I wouldn't have been too shocked to see them just go without one, because other than Chip, Sean Payton is the closest thing the NFL has to That Dude. This Robinson injury actually helps the Falcons, since it stops the clock without them having to tell someone to. MIKE SMITH CLOCK MANAGEMENT, GUYS. Matt Bryant, yo. COLSTON FUMBLES. Remember, this is the second straight game where he's made a critical mistake at the end of it. Now they're just gonna set up for Bryant again. GOOD. (Falcons 37, Saints 34, OT)

And now, an unrelated aside.




If you're wondering why Bills AT Bears is on FOX, they've relaxed the network/conference borders. Chris Conte's still in the league? How? (Bills 23, Bears 20, OT)


PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, JerryWorld is loud for a place where the opposing team just scored. That's a fumble. Look, the Cowboys have lots of offense. That's not up for debate. But the rest of it... The Niners can't afford to be losing corners — the ones they have aren't that great to start with. JESUS. Kap can just DO things, man. And the Cowboys forgot to cover Vernon Davis. ROMO. Cowboys forgot to cover Vernon Davis again. That's actually a nice run by Murray.

Right into, like, quintuple coverage. Then Gore breaks off a 22-yard run through air. I'm not sure how wise this really is with Blaine Gabbert one snap away. Romo at his own 1? This oughta be good. Well, they've made some progress. OH NO. That wasn't going to go well, but my God.




Hey, a Stevie Johnson sighting. Carlos Hyde! Now we got all kinds of chaos. A fumbled interception and a penalty. So no flag, and now let's review the turnover(s). That was kinda quick, actually — not sure how I feel about that.

So which is better: The CFL East or the Big Ten? Discuss. You know things have gone too far south when you summon Pac-12 officials for the second half and it still isn't nearly enough.




(49ers 28, Cowboys 17)

And now, an aside related to the previous unrelated one.




(Steelers 30, Browns 27)

We've got a lot to digest in the new Sunday Night Football intro. Carrie's new and uglier dress, McCoy lip-syncing, Clay crowd surfing... plenty to process there. Hey, positive yards for Richardson! Someone was late? They're not gonna get this off. (And they didn't. Just as well; Vinatieri dinked the goal post anyway.) Not good by Luck — Allen wasn't even open. Well, there were offsetting holdings. Nice throw to Julius Thomas. Wait, ANDRE CALDWELL is Florida's all-time leading receiver? With all the guys Spurrier had (who never panned out in the pros)? That's hard to fathom.
NBC DJ going to break with "Limelight". And who are those guys? Probably could have saved "Get Lucky", though. Yeah, D'Qwell Jackson's not catching that dude in the open field. Oooh, that fumbled punt return could have been big. ANOTHER touchdown for Julius Thomas. Colts getting a drive when they could really use one. He can run, though. Oooh, better review that. That should be a touchdown, I think. Yeah. Al and Cris rightly commending the new centralized replay monitor. There's no reason for a decision that obvious to take three minutes.




And even if it had been, that's still a pretty bad interpretation of the PI rule: Harris turned around and didn't touch Hilton.Colts are going for it here after Nicks just missed the end zone, continuing his pattern from last year. Honestly, Luck's the Colts' best runner so the sneak is fine. It just didn't work.




The Colts got stuffed AGAIN? Maybe try passing? I mean, Trent Richardson can either become Mark Ingram or he can become Laurence Maroney. This is where the road forks. Wait, was he down? Oh, clearly. This shouldn't take long either. Ball! I'd say this one looks over but it's Luck. Richardson isn't even on the field anymore.




He stayed inbounds, right? Broncos aren't making a lot of noise about this one. Yeah, he's clear. Colts get the onside kick? Wait, did that go 10 yards? Oh, it did. OK. I think Bradshaw's just won the starting running back job. Gotta go for it on fourth down now, right? Hilton! Not the best throw by Luck on that interception, either. That Rahim Moore story is wild. The Broncos' punter was doing some acting there.




HAKEEM NICKS HAS SCORED A TOUCHDOWN. STOP THE PRESSES. Don't onside kick this one, Colts. Who's the most famous of these Jones brothers? Arthur, Jon or Chandler? Wow, the Broncos played right into the Colts' hands by throwing the football on both second and third down.
Well, this is it. Denied! Brees has never beaten the Ravens? Weird. (Mentioned because Peyton has now beaten literally everyone.) (Broncos 31, Colts 24)




I see the Giants' defense has yet to arrive as well. It's highly possible that the NFC East will be worse this year than last. Roughing the kicker takes the punter out? That's... not the easiest thing to do. A fade to who? Two straight passes on 1st and goal from the 1? I don't care that it finally worked. That's horrific play calling.




DRC simply cannot stay with Megatron. Just put someone else over there. Jesus, Stafford threw a LASER to Tate through two Giants. And OF COURSE there's a face mask penalty on the center. And then the rookie misses the kick. They should be up 28-0. Bad throw by Eli behind the receiver. Sure, DeAndre Levy, get up and run with it, why not. Wait... that may not have hit the ground. Oh, this'll be CLOSE. I can read Eli's lips, and he's not praying.




Eli's out here doing his best Romo impression. Seriously, the Giants should be dead and buried but the Lions keep missing chances. Hey, DRC made a successful play finally. Stafford was finally like, "Ah, the hell with it. I'll do it myself." And now the Giants are putting together an actual drive. Cover the running backs, Lions. Now the Lions are doing their march. They went for two? Man, that's cold. Call it. (Lions 35, Giants 14)


Kevin Butler's son? We're old, people. That's not an interception. Wait, what are the Cardinals challenging? The graphic and the ref said "challenging the interception" and that's not what happened there. And this is a fumble. Whoa! Where did Eddie Royal even come from? I was sure that was incomplete.





BLOCKED PUNT. When has Carson Palmer ever been so mobile? Did the Cardinals hire the Suns' training staff? I don't know what's going on now. Why's everyone jut standing around? This game has been awful. And Rivers throws another pick but Dilfer (who I intensely dislike for reasons I can't explain) thinks Royal stopped his route. Can't tell from here. Let's jump ahead a bit. We have two "M. Floyd"'s in this game and the Chargers' one just scored a touchdown. I'm surprised Ryan Mathews scored that touchdown in one piece. We've seen the Chargers blow this exact game before, though. Like so. Carson Palmer channeling Steve Young is a little scary. Touchdown! Wait, where's the quarterback? Well that didn't work. Antonio Gates still has it. The Chargers have gotten away with two turnovers on this drive because of Cardinal penalties... and they still couldn't capitalize.




Hey, a Larry Fitzgerald sighting! I'm legitimately impressed by how much better Michael Floyd has been that I thought he'd be. The Cardinals just took the lead! Rivers badly rushed that third-down pass. Delay of game? That's a Cardinals move. Oh, they got the time out. OK. Aaand it still doesn't matter. (Cardinals 18, Chargers 17)



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