Friday, December 27, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: White Magic

Look, people. I blew off Redskins-Vikings, a game with a division rival in it. You think I'm touching this horror show with a 10-foot pole? Although this was pretty good:

The only way the Jaguars will ever live that down is to win eight Super Bowls. In a row. (Jaguars 27, Texans 20)

Signal Finder: DET @ PHI, TEN @ DEN, MIN @ BAL (end), NYG @ SD


This wasn't there this morning. It started at about 11:30 and just ESCALATED.


Burkhart: "I think that's Chip Kelly, but to be honest, I have no idea." These announcers are utterly lost. I suddenly don't foresee a lot of points being scored in this... would this be a morass? I feel like a morass would be muddier so I'll go with sludge. The Lions have already fumbled twice but the ball's not moving on the ground in this snow. Now we can see the yard line numbers because LASERS.

That's three times. That delay of game was a bad break for the Eagles. That's FOUR. And the law of averages activates! How is this getting overturned? How is ANYTHING getting overturned? That's a big-time punt. Might want to double Megatron. ANOTHER lost fumble? And the interceptionless streak ends and that was a BAD one. What happened there? Looks like it just got away from Foles. We're not going to see any field goals, are we? In fact, that touchdown may be the only points we see today. They're going for two? Wow. How'd he catch that?
Now Foles is coughing it up. Hey, a completed pass. Hey, another one! Polk! They're going on 4th and 7?
Good job, Molly McGrath. I don't know what you do. There haven't been any holes up the middle. Suh and Fairley are just too good. Well, that's that. Time to start rooting for the Bears tomorrow night. I mean... did it never snow at Autzen? Or in the Washington stadiums? Not sure how Cooper pulled that one in. Jackson! That was pretty good.


Good stop. McCoy! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. Who had the coverage units collapsing? And the Lions' extra point gets blocked. That's... not going to make any difference. SHADY!!! And now the Eagles are lining up for two. Got it. Calvin making that diving catch would not have surprised me. What... what happened? Seriously, all of a sudden a switch was flipped and this game got good, and I'm not just talking about how the Eagles are suddenly running all over the Lions. "We can't see the goal line." IMPORTANT. Not even thinking about kicking it. Sneak! Still not even thinking about kicking it (and I might have). More bad kick coverage. That PAT attempt... was expected.

Joique Bell elevating? ANOTHER FUMBLE. It's amazing McCoy can make moves like that in these conditions. Chris Polk again?  The Packers fans joining this game now cannot begin to imagine what's transpired. Celek is SAFE! Pulled a Westbrook. Fantastic. Good job, Chip. (Eagles 34, Lions 20)


Oh  my god, the tackling on that go-ahead touchdown by Clay was pathetic. Wait, WHAT happened?
Game of inches, friends. (Dolphins 34, Steelers 28)

This is exactly why I hate the squib/pooch kick, by the way. PATTERSON! Remember who wore that number last, too.
Does anyone want the second AFC wild card? That pass interference call could be big. WHAT? Oh, we're gonna have to look at this but it might be good. That's a touchdown!



I'm pretty sure the last two minutes of this game broke the Red Zone channel. And if it didn't, nothing will. Also, there's this:
(Ravens 29, Vikings 26)

I can't keep up with these finishes. Let's rewind a bit and note that Brady played the first half like it was September again. T.J. Ward just ended the Patriots' Super Bowl hopes — they can't score enough points without Gronkowski. Heck, they can't score enough points today. This would be the greatest victory in the history of Browns 2.0 if this holds. Of course, that's a rather massive "if". Then the Patriots recovered the onside kick, because of course they did. That's... I don't know about that one, either.
Oh, God. What did Cleveland ever do to You? (Patriots 27, Browns 26)

Welcome back, John Fox. Man, Champ has barely played this year. And the Broncos have missed him the most, as you see there.But here come the Broncos like nothing's wrong. Whoa, the Broncos went for it on 4th and 1 from the 8? Who are you, and what have you done with John Fox? Covering the kickoff afterwards would help. And Chris Johnson makes it look easy. They ruled Decker down at the 2? I'd have put him at the 1. This is not a catch. And apparently that wasn't a touchdown either. Ah, there's the Fox we know and love — punting on 4th and 3 from the Titans' 40. Chris Johnson can still play, you guys. The Titans are pretty much handling the Broncos right now, which is surprising. Whoa, spoke too soon. Nice catch, Julius Thomas. Did Pollard just knock out Welker? Oh, it was 21, not 31.I was beginning to think the Pollard vs. Patriots thing was transitive. Prater's going for 64? JESUS. Showing the Dempsey highlight, he wouldn't have made that from that spot today — the goal posts were still on the end line back then. Knowshon Moreno's career rebound should give hope to Trent Richardson. Man, this Broncos secondary is struggling. They've turned this into an unexpected shootout, though Kendall Wright is having a breakout season. It's starting to get away from the Titans now. And there it went. (Broncos 51, Titans 28)


Wow, this is a demotion for the Albert/Moose/Goose crew. Eli is getting booed something fierce. That's Philly-esque. Good job, guys. Nicks needs to get back in the huddle and score a damn touchdown. Dude's sucked all year long. And then a tip leads to another Eli pick. Keenan Allen has been very good this season. I'm not sure that's reversible. They're STILL booing Eli. This is on that "Vince Carter in Toronto" tip except Eli never actually played for the Chargers. Also, screw you, Fox, for subjecting me to this gar-bahge. Offside on a missed field goal? There's your 2013 New York Football Giants, friends. Of COURSE Novak makes the second one. I don't know if I've said this yet, but the Giants stink. Pretty much all of them. It's not even halftime yet and this game may already be over. Coughlin to Goose: "This is not the same team we were last week." You lost last week, too! Wait, the Giants FORCED a turnover? What's up with Rivers? They're talking like he may have injured something but I can't tell what or how. Hillis took a week to get through that pile. Is it me or has Ryan Mathews actually been healthy all season? The Giants are trying to stay in this game. Professional pride, I'd imagine. Nicks catching that deflection is the greatest thing he's done all year. And Eli gets picked off again. They reversed it? Huh. Coughlin's all, "Please. Give me something." Only you can help you now, sir. (Chargers 37, Giants 14)


Corey Smith wearing the knit cap indoors. OK.I wonder how much material Steve Smith's saved up over the years to use tonight. Ginn just got facemasked by the PUNTER.


This drive by the Panthers seems too deliberate, especially with this field position.


Colston! Yeah, put your hands down, that's interference. Another flag? Wow the Saints offensive line does hold a lot. That one'll count. Is it just me or have the Panthers not taken a single shot downfield tonight? Prediction: This third Colston touchdown won't stand. Called it. Stunned the Saints didn't go for it on 4th down there. There's a deep ball — and Cam overthrows Olsen by 10 yards. I mean, I haven't heard Steve Smith's name at all tonight. There it is after he misses that one. Wow, he got clocked by Hawthorne. 50,000 yards! The Saints are just a different beast in this joint. Let's do this again in two weeks only better. (Panthers 31, Saints 13)

The classic Bears defense is mostly a rumor at this point. I mean, ESPN just showed someone named Benny Cunningham put up 107 on them. See it's like that.


I wouldn't kick to Hester at all tonight. Let's point out that there are actually two terrible defenses in this building tonight. The Cowboys do that a lot — have two or three guys standing around an open receiver but no one moves to cover him. Blitz! I was not expecting a stop. Is Alshon Jeffrey already the best wide receiver Steve Spurrier's ever coached? I mean, right now he's ahead of Sidney Rice and probably only behind Ike Hilliard. Seriously, what's going to happen to Jay Cutler? Not the greatest throw by McCown. AIR JOSH! He doesn't need to be doing that, though. This could be a total see-saw game. The WATER BOTTLES froze? Wow. That was pretty ridiculous. At least the weather's not so bad that these guys can still kick extra points. Wait, what actually happened to Dez? Oh, he landed on the ball. WHAT. There's no way Jeffrey stayed inbounds. Holy cow. He did. 100 touchdowns in one weekend! (For everyone, not just Jeffrey. That'd be, like, a record or something.) Forte just ran through someone. LOL at Tirico: "Terrific tackling!" Who'd he get? Oooh, Brandon Carr. And now Carr costs his team an interception with a blatant hold on a pass McCown shouldn't have thrown. Just think: He's their BEST defensive back. McCown's getting cocky now. And now Sean Lee's hurt again. The Bears are making this look easy now. Mostly because it is.


Why is the fourth quarter JUST starting? This is madness. Why are the Cowboys still running the ball down 28? Because it's working, I guess. And here comes the "Cutler's future in Chicago" questions. I don't think what McCown's doing right now is sustainable, plus he's 34 and not a long-term solution, and the Bears have a ton of other needs, especially on defense. Hey, it's Kyle Orton.


Speaking of McCown: He did this tonight. What happens if Aaron Rodgers comes back next week? (Bears 45, Cowboys 28)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Denver (11-2) — The machine regains its co-pilot
2. Seattle (11-2) — Rivalry games, man
3. New England (10-3) — Definitely getting lucky again
4. New Orleans (10-3) — Strong statement

BOTTOM 4:
29. Washington (3-10) — Simply embarrassing
30. Minnesota (3-9-1) — A rough ending
31. Atlanta (3-10) — Still fighting, but...
32. Houston (2-11) — And with that, Gary Kubiak was fired

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Sunday, December 15, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: What a Fool Believes

Stafford's never beaten the Packers? Wild. Hey, Nate Burleson's back! That was a good drive with an unfortunate ending. Nice Pat Summerall tribute. Aikman saying "He narrated my career" gave me a slight chill. Bush just tripped over Calvin. Is there any team in the league that is more its own worst enemy than the Lions? "The Beautiful People"? Odd choice. Yeah, that's gotta be caught, Pettigrew. Akers signing with an indoor team at this point in his career was a smart move. Out of bounds? Really? Wow. Wacky catch by James Jones. Morgan Burnett's trying to get himself a trophy. Jesus, the Lions can't get out of their own way.


Oh, Stafford. Really? Then the Lions got the ball back and it turned into the Reggie Bush show. The Jeremy Ross Revenge Tour? First a touchdown, then almost breaking that punt return. That was too easy and the Lions, really, have run all over and dominated the Packers for the most part. Buck: "I'm not sure you're gonna ice David Akers." JINX. Of course if Stafford had thrown to someone who could get out of bounds, they may have had a shot or two at a touchdown there. Aaron Rodgers looks like Ron Burgundy's illegitimate son with that horrible mustache. Johnson bounced off somebody on the way to that touchdown.I mean, bounced off. Like, you could see the shockwaves in the air after the impact. This game hasn't been the greatest. Why is Stafford throwing that pass?


Oh, let's hope THAT'S not serious. MEGATRON IS DOWN. Also not the greatest: Matt Flynn. And additionally: the Packers' offensive setup. Wow, I didn't realize just how little the Packers have done offensively. Safety! That's the first GOOD thing Suh's done in a Thanksgiving game. Damn, he carried Flynn out of the end zone like "Just get off the field, son." Is that booth open-air? I kind of hope not even though we're inside. This is Detroit, after all. Nice catch by Durham. This is officially out of hand.


Whoa! How did Ogletree catch that? That was behind him. Nice job. I love how Buck seems to legitimately hate the Galloping Gobbler, if only because I do too. Fumbled snap? The Packers can't even get garbage yards right. DETROIT IS BURNING. Wait, it's just a plaque? I'm actually disappointed. Not as much as Packer fans, though. (Lions 40, Packers 10)

The Cowboys were guaranteed an AFC opponent for their Thanksgiving game this year... and the NFL schedule makers put the Raiders here and NOT the Broncos? The Cowboys 1) not wearing their usual throwbacks AND 2) wearing their blue uniforms is going to throw me off all game. WOMP WOMP. Wait, was he down? That's CLOSE. Yeah, didn't think they'd be able to overturn that. Simms is right — don't even bring that one out. Just take a knee. Also it should be noted that Williams isn't their normal return man — Dwayne Harris got hurt two weeks ago. Man, the Raiders have a lot of former Cowboys, which somehow seems fitting. The Cowboys' alternate returners are struggling — Beasley just lost about six yards on that punt "return". "Hawkins?" Can't people snap the ball any more? Jeez. If this is how it's gonna go today this game's going to be a bigger turkey than the one we're having. The Raiders are making some hot catches out here. There's ANOTHER one. I don't think that ball's in the end zone. It's not. Jennings almost ran out of real estate. Hey, a Miles Austin sighting! He could easily be another Cowboy-turned-Raider next year — Williams, Beasley and his own hamstrings have made him surplus to requirements. I mean, he didn't catch the pass thrown to him, but I was just shocked to even see him out there. What is with this Wildcat renaissance? Jennings has struggled to keep his feet on these last few runs. This Holmes kid is making Brandon Carr look like Orlando Scandrick. (For any new readers, that's not a compliment.) What's with these three-second overhead shots? That's three touchdowns in a row Oakland's given up. Simms: "Everything they call is wrong." "Snap infraction?"


Yeah, we've been done here for quite some time. I mean, that's nice and all (though it almost got blocked) but I don't think there's enough time. This sequence on the onside kick is so Raiders. Let's hand out some irons! Also, dessert soon. (Cowboys 31, Raiders 24)

SMELL THE HATRED. Not a lot of big-time programs in that Steelers' starting offense, and if we're being honest, not many more in the Ravens' offense. I mean, Flacco went to Delaware. Are the Steelers running the Wildcat to troll Flacco? I wouldn't put it past them. Illegal motion on the KICKER? I'm pretty sure only Shaun Suisham could pull that off. Also, Tomlin has an irrational love for fake field goals at inopportune times. Have the Ravens huddled yet? I don't know why I'm noticing that. Bell just broke one off. Sanders! Jacoby AGAIN?! Oh that's gotta hurt. How'd he get chased down? Really, Cris? You're surprised? I'd have done the same thing coming off a big play. STARTING? Is Collinsworth new to Steelers-Ravens? This was salty LAST Thursday. Are we really going back to the kickoff return to call out Tomlin for sideline interference? I mean, that's some serious gamesmanship.


A rubber chicken? That squeaks? That's uncalled for, Dierdorf. This Tucker kid doesn't miss.


You know who's good is Antonio Brown. Sanders tripped himself out of a touchdown. How do you give up 25 yards on a screen pass to the back? This feels like we're  headed for overtime. Hmmm... Miller may have been down as well. Nope. Gaaaahhhhh. That looked and sounded bad. Now we've got that helmet rule to think about also. Oh, they gave him the touchdown? They hadn't looked at it yet? Yeah, this shouldn't be a touchdown either.




At this point the Steelers may have to call a quarterback sneak, which they should have done at some point anyway. Now their center's hurt? I have no idea how this is going to end. Touchdown! But we're not done yet! Shotgun seems like a bad idea. Did he — no, he never had it. What the hell, Suisham. That onside kick was worse than the one in the Cowboys game. Wait, are we getting a Madden sighting? No? Oh. The kicker's getting a turkey leg? The Mayans were off by a year. (Ravens 22, Steelers 20)

Signal Finder: ARZ @ PHI, TEN @ IND (end), CHI @ MIN (end), JAX @ CLE (end), DEN @ KC

Hey, a turnover! I thought they flagged a hit to the head there. Oh well. BLACK JERSEYS ALL THE TIME. An understated part of the Eagles' improvement on defense is Nate Allen isn't God-awful anymore.


Still have no idea why Mendenhall plays more than Ellington. Defending the middle seems to be a problem for the Eagles at the moment. Bryce Brown is a "big, powerful runner inside"? Did Moose just get here? The punt hits a Cardinal, they recover it, then possibly fumble it anyway? And that's the right call. Cards got lucky twice there. I never like challenging ball spots. Chip might win this one. Yep. So what do the Cardinals do? Either decision could be justified. Mendenhall picks it up. And Fitzgerald torches the Eagles yet again — he took that hit like nothing happened.


Nice catch by Cooper on a way-too-high throw. Brad Smith hasn't taken a snap in a while and it shows. A field goal seems like a loss there. DeSean ended up playing defense on that long ball into the end zone that Foles overthrew. Wait, what? Why would you need replay on that? Why didn't the Cardinals call time out? Very strange. First down McCoy. That's PI and it was catchable — Cooper gut pushed out of the path of the ball. Touchdown!


DeSean just got Honey Badgered. That's two third downs in a row. That probably shouldn't have worked. Oh, OK, Ertz was more open than I thought. I refuse to get comfortable... these are still the Cardinals. They're covering the hell out of Fitzgerald now. Someone tell Carson that Movember is over. That's twice that the Cardinals have gotten a touchdown off of two Eagles colliding. That was a poor series. What was Carson doing there?


Trent Cole's trying to keep a job for next year. He's going nuts. Was that just a bad, short kick? The Eagles STILL can't escape Kurt Coleman's awfulness. Why is he still in the league? He can't do anything. Foles should have gone somewhere else with that. "Pass Rush Specialist"? Dude coached in Super Bowl I? THAT is old school. That was ALMOST an interception. I've been thinking all game I'm surprised Peterson or Mathieu hasn't been returning kicks. The Cardinals should challenge this... I don't think it hit the ground. They gave it to him? This is how it starts... and that Floyd catch is how it continues... and that pass interference call... and the tight end walking into the end zone untouched. And Foles throws his first pick on a ball he should have thrown away five seconds earlier. What? Defensive holding? That always goes the other way when the Eagles are playing the Cardinals.


Why did Foles keep it on 3rd and 2? WOW. That 4th down pass always either gets caught or pass interference is called. Wait, what? Foles screws up and goes out of bounds, but they call defensive holding? And then they got another penalty because the Cardinals were (probably correctly) pissed about it? But let's not bury the lede here: The Cardinals ALWAYS win this game. ALWAYS. Welcome to a new and glorious age. (Eagles 24, Cardinals 21)

I thought Harvard men were smarter than that, Ryan Fitzpatrick. (Colts 22, Titans 14)

Hey Jaguars, what's up with those helmets?This really shouldn't have been the best game of the day but so far it is.


(Jaguars 32, Browns 28)

What are they calling on Bushrod? Throwing the ball downfield? He didn't do that. Lot of stupid going on in this game, I'm hearing. See, I'm OK with ties. I think college football's overtime is a joke. I also think the NHL should bring them back. Does Chris Conte just suck or what? He's pleading he didn't grab Peterson's facemask — and he didn't; he horse-collared him, and badly at that. And the field goal is good. WAIT WHAT. Seriously? #40 dropped a game-winner earlier and now he gets flagged for a facemask that wipes out a game-winning field goal in overtime? If the Vikings lose this game he's getting cut.


And then Peterson loses two more yards. This is sad to watch. Now GOULD misses? He's money! That's... what.


Also, AD has 200 yards. Try again, Walsh. It's GOOD! 40 gets to keep his job. Happy Hanukkah, dude. I don't know if you're Jewish or not but you deserve some kind of salutation. (Vikings 23, Bears 20, OT)

Reeeemaaaaaatch. I don't know what Alex Smith saw there. Rolling out, throwing it across his body, that's textbook "how not to do that." Good to see Moreno out there after the end of last week's game. Dude's been a horse. The Chiefs finally got to Peyton! Sure it took a safety blitz, but still. Quintin Demps! Black guy named Hemingway? OK.


Nantz and Simms have good spotters. Whoa, Manning scuffling at Arrowhead. Not a great throw. You know who I like is this Cooper kid. Illegal formation? Dude's a guard, isn't he?That just wiped out a touchdown. And Fasano (!) picks it up anyway. Who had the Chiefs up by two touchdowns at any point? Put your hands down, you liars. I see Welker's back returning punts after last week. That's the second time Decker's gotten free deep. How many turnovers can be nullified by penalties in one game? I think these guys are trying to set the record. Both teams have slowed down — the Chiefs by themselves, the Broncos'; due to Chiefs' pressure. I don't know what the difference is but Peyton's been under much more duress than he was two weeks ago. That Trevathan interception that wasn't had the longest delayed reaction ever. That's a bad grounding call. Jesus. That's three times Decker's torched the Chiefs deep and Peyton's found him. We got confusion and discord all over the place here. the sideline incident, the almost-fumble. So now what? Chiefs punt. OK. That was BEAUTIFUL. Perfect pass, hit Thomas in stride. Excellent.


Another touchdown for Decker, who's really been forgotten about when people talk about this Broncos offense. The Chiefs' receivers have let Smith down twice on this drive. Cooper's having a bad third quarter. That's an obvious penalty.The Chiefs' receivers are letting Smith down on this drive too. Somehow they got a touchdown anyway. So many flags. One more shot for the Chiefs. A.J. JENKINS!!! That's his first highlight ever. Bowe can't bring that one in and he probably had a shot at it at least. Well, that's that. (Broncos 35, Chiefs 28)

So when was the last time the Falcons won in the U.S.? (Falcons 34, Bills 31, OT)

"And now, Giants-Redskins, because we literally have no better options."


And yet, here we are. Actually, this opening drive hasn't been bad. I can't say the same for the Giants' opening drive, as it started with Eli getting sacked. Griffin needs to stop ending up in no man's land. Is he doing it on his own? Is it the plays they're calling? Cris, let's not forget the Giants are equally bad. Or possibly worse, as Griffin is now 12-for-12. Then the Redskins let the Giants basically do nothing but run down the field for no good reason. I'm giving this game the attention it deserves, which isn't much. Also, Return of the Jedi is on. I think it's a little disingenuous for Collinsworth to just claim that RG3's looking to run first without evidence. Now, the one where Helu got free and was open down the field was said evidence, but you shouldn't just go out and say that for no real reason.


"You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet?" Stellar trolling, NBC DJ. Eil was under pressure and didn't make a good throw. They're showing Gilbride, who may be the most hated coordinator by his own team's fans in the league. Meanwhile nobody's blocking anyone, on the offensive lines or on the punt teams. Didn't the ball break the plane on that Cruz catch? Brown didn't make it. Oh, wait, looking at the replay, he DID — his body never hit the ground; it's on top of a Redskins player. Will Beatty's getting abused again. Or still. I'm not sure. This is bad.


I'm not sure why Shanahan is challenging this unless he's saying the play ended? Oh my God, that botched punt. Cruz just faked DeAngelo Hall out of his shoes.


Yeah, kick that field goal to go up by seven. Wait, WHAT happened? So on 2nd down, the refs moved the chains even though they got the measurement wrong, then the Redskins ran a play, but the referee signaled third down, the Redskins got the first down, then Hill took the ball out of Garcon's hands? So it was a miscommunication by the refs?


Every single entity involved with this contest is bad and they should feel bad. (Giants 24, Redskins 17)

That first completion by Wilson was a feast of errors. Man it's loud. WOW. Doesn't matter what you call that one, it's a touchdown. Saints aren't doing well at this present second. Wilson got lucky there — the coverage was excellent and it should have been picked off. Whoa! Where was the coverage there? How fast is Zach Miller? Nice block by 87 and Miller almost made it. And now we've got weather. Seventeen points already? OK. These penalties are problematic. You can't give Brees chances no matter how out of sorts he may be. And that's why, right there. That deep ball by Wilson to Baldwin was better than the last one.


Who calls a prevent defense in your own end zone? Maybe Rob Ryan really IS Kevin Nash. Tirico: "Why do they have seats here?" Saints missed a challenge opportunity there. Did the Seahawks just get into the Saints' red zone in about 10 seconds? This is on the borderline of getting out of hand. Sup, random grunge band assembled just for this sound demonstration. Gruden predicting that screen to Thomas was odd. The Saints just can't sustain anything.


Gruden's asking the same question I am: "Who are these receivers?" Wait, WHAT? That might count, too. How does one re-establish position inbounds?


I'd like to sincerely thank Ed Hochuli for those explanations. I'm not even joking. I know the Saints can explode offensively at any time but this just feels like it's over. Graham's the only one who's gotten any run to night. Also, this Maxwell guy's played well replacing Browner and Thurmond tonight. WE WERE STRETCHING OUR BALLS. I'm... kinda with Gruden on pulling Brees here. The only things that can happen to him now are bad. (Seahawks 34, Saints 7)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (11-1) — Establishing some serious dominance
2. Denver (10-2) — The AFC's road is still high and mountainous
3. New England (9-3) — Getting lucky again?
4. (tie) New Orleans (9-3) — A clear setback
4. (tie) Carolina (9-3) — Disregarding the burden of proof

BOTTOM 4:
29. Minnesota (3-8-1) — Putting in for hazard pay
30. Cleveland (4-8) — Wasn't defense the Browns' strength?
31. Tampa Bay (3-9) — What momentum?
32. Houston (2-10) — They were 2-0 at one point...

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Sunday, December 8, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Closer Calls

So. How long before this gets banned? (I'm kidding. Mostly.)


I mean, at least now we know how the Falcons won the "only one team is getting a new stadium within the Atlanta city limits" battle. Though after this season, they may be rethinking their choice. Also, there was no non-gambling-related reason whatsoever for Mike Smith to decide to kick that field goal. (Saints 17, Falcons 13)


Glad you asked, Mike!

Signal Finder: NYJ @ BAL, CAR @ MIA, SD @ KC (end), MIN @ GB (end), DAL @ NYG

The Ravens are busting out Tyrod Taylor? Someone's desperate. See, I'd put him in the backfield if I were going to do this because nobody's buying Flacco split out wide. Whoa that's a late flag. And they're picking it up, as they should. That's an ugly throw under pressure by Flacco but Clark caught it. Look at it flopping up there. That's a face mask. And that's the worst hold ever, so you know it ended with a sack. The snap hit the guy in motion? That's a brand new one. And then the Ravens screw up and Flacco throws an interception right to Cromartie. Jets didn't tackle all that well on the big Dickson catch and run.

Geno looks lost out there and the Jets are disorganized. How do you need to call a time out after a challenge? WHAT IS THIS CALL. Sideline interference with the officials or something like that? Great flashback to the Jets coach tripping the Dolphins player on the sideline. Rex burning another timeout? It occurs to me that the Jets still need better offensive players. Well that's just fantastic. Of course, Dierdorf has a point — that's about where a punt would have landed, and why not take a shot deep? Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Reed in 2013. On benching Geno: If Matt Simms is your alternative, you don't have an alternative.

This is sad to watch. And after that second Graham interception, it doesn't really matter. (Ravens 19, Jets 3)

The Ted Ginn Jr. Revenge Road Tour continues. Cam's already getting hammered. An interception leads to a blocked field goal that hits a guy in the head? That's quite the inauspicious start. grabs old dishrag and Pledge I'M MIKE WALLACE! These dives for first downs are always questionable. The Dolphins had what seemed like 10 minutes to decide to challenge or no. Reversed! Challenging this Wallace catch, however, is bad.


Is the key to Ryan Tannehill to make him start at his own 2 all the time? Then he faked two guys with that hard count. Oh God... I don't think anyone saw those two Panthers players, including Tannehill and the two Panthers themselves. Nice interception to turn the tide again. So was LaFell open or not? I think he was when Cam saw him. And unnecessary roughness on top of it? How have the Dolphins not scored yet? That... that's close. The problem I'm having is these replay angles aren't the greatest and it's hard for me to see where Kuechly hits him exactly. What is the Panthers' plan on this drive? Imitating the Bengals at the end of last week's game? That was dramatic and surprising after the malaise they were in earlier. I'm stunned they got three points out of that. Jonathan Stewart's still alive? Cam did that with ease. Tannehill's all, "Hey, I can run too, you know." And that's pretty much all the yards the Dolphins got there. That field goal attempt looked bad from the jump. I've said this before but I hate these overly complicated catch rules. The Panthers are killing themselves with penalties — they've lost several big plays because of flags. They also need to go down the field. These screens and swing routes aren't working. STEVE SMITH LIVES. That personal foul didn't help the Dolphins. Remind anyone of Bucs-Jets? Tolbert twice! He didn't get in on that second one, though. Touchdown! Wallace almost catching that last deep pass is his year in a nutshell. Throw it, Tannehill! Oh, well. (Panthers 20, Dolphins 16)


Meanwhile, the Chiefs' pass rush is in the trainer's room. I was not expecting a pointsplosion in this game. Who said the Chiefs couldn't keep up in a shootout?

Is Danny Woodhead going to win this game by himself? That's twice he's been wide open in a row. Ajira-WHO? And that's a touchdown.

Worst possible time for Smith to take a sack. Sing the song? (Chargers 41, Chiefs 38)

Wait... are the Buccaneers trying to save Schiano's job? And if so, why? (Buccaneers 24, Lions 21)

Is Matt Flynn playing hero again?!? That's a pretty blatant hold on Nelson.

And now the Packers' defense is getting gashed not just by AD, but by Toby Gerhart? Is this happening? OMG Patterson just dropped the game-winner. Also worth noting: the Vikings have taken about seven minutes off the clock. We're tied again. Two minutes left and a tie is absolutely in play here. Now the Packers are crippling themselves with penalties. That incompletion may have been the best outcome. A five-yard out? And now the Packers HAVE to punt. ONE SECOND. See, I'd have thrown it up and hoped for a flag. That's amazing. Nobody wants to win the NFC North, either.


LEAVE DONOVAN ALONE. (Vikings 26, Packers 26, OT)

Can we exercise the nuclear option on Cowboys-Giants? When's the last time we had two ties in one day? Don't really like that PI call on Claiborne. Just now seeing the replay of the Cruz fumble and that's pretty funny stuff. Randle's a decent actor. Nice pass, Romo. And apparently McBride's trying to piss Dez off and get him off his game. We'll have to watch that. BREAKING: These teams aren't very good. Andre Brown goes out of bounds on a 2nd and 26 or whatever. He just did it again? You've got a defensive back in front of you! TRUCK HIM. And as Aikman said, why are they throwing it to him in the first place? LOL @ "Overtime non-thriller". I don't understand anything right now. Huh? Why are the Giants going for it?


Oh. Well that makes sense even if they didn't get it. Neither team is inspiring or scaring me during this game. That's about what happened in 49ers-Saints last week — one of those deals where the rules may suck, but you have to follow them. Still, Coughlin's going to have a heart attack. Is he trying to get thrown out? This isn't baseball. That's a hit out of bounds on Rolle. There's a lot of anger in this building right now. Five guys were standing around Witten and not one moved toward him. Like Romo was throwing to anyone else in that spot. Good job, G-men. NOBODY TOUCHED MYERS?!?! YOUR 2013 NFC EAST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.


And what was THAT?


A tie is still in play, people. Have I mentioned the anger in this building? The Giants just doubled their rushing total for the year. Are we... WE HAVE A TIE.


That seemed like it took forever. Now let's see if the Giants can get a stop. Apparently not. Bailey better miss this. Oh well. crosses off Giants for a second time (Cowboys 24, Giants 21)


I have no idea what city that is. It's not Boston OR Foxborough. Would Franklin be watching the Grey Cup if he wasn't working tonight? I'd like to think so. Well, we won't see Ridley for the rest of the half. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Yes, I know the Patriots just fumbled. THEY FUMBLED AGAIN.And that's another Broncos touchdown. Who needs Peyton Manning, anyway? ANOTHER one? This is madness.

And this one will stand... but the return won't. Dude, we didn't need to know what hashmark it's gonna be on. Who you gonna bench now, Belichick? Now the play clock's frozen, and it may actually be frozen, like, temperature-wise. At least they held them to a field goal. Wait, didn't they already shut the play — oh, now the GAME clock's stopped working? THE TIME LORDS HAVE COME TO DESTROY US ALL. Let's also point out that Edelman mishandled that punt twice and got away with it, and how Brady was lucky to recover the fumble after that sack two plays later.


Vereen just dropped big yardage. Demariyus Thomas also just dropped big yardage. The Pats gave up a screen for a first on 3rd and 20? What's going ON down there? Collinsworth talking about the Pats trying to take away Thomas and Welker should make Eric Decker feel slighted. Or Jacob Tamme. (Or even Andre Caldwell.) It's weird hearing and seeing people invoke the 49ers game from two years ago when talking about Patriots deficits — I keep coming back to that one playoff game against the Ravens when it was 14-0 after about two minutes. (The Patriots lost.) DRC just racked himself diving for that Hail Mary. "Belichick: WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WELL." That's the first time we've seen Gronk aside from getting blocked off the screen on the Von Miller touchdown in the first quarter. I don't think that Edelman catch is worth a challenge. That touchdown is exactly what the Pats needed. Now the Broncos are coughing it up? These things turn fast, man. Welker getting lustily booed after that first down catch. How do you run a clip of Peyton on SNL that isn't the United Way sketch? Covering Edelman is recommended. Uh-oh. UH-OH. That pass died in the air and Ryan cut the route off. UH. OH.


Yeah, that's holding. It also just occured to me that we've barely called Demariyus tonight. And he's made two big catches since then. Peyton's made a couple strong throws — the one to Tamme on 3rd and 5 looked like it was picked. Thomas just beat Talib to tie the game.

Also, when did Quentin Jammer join the Broncos? No wonder the Chargers are so bad against the pass this year... they lost all their cornerbacks. Now Welker's back to return this punt for the first time in who knows how long. That odd floater. That's a good punt. Overtime. Wait, Brady's not one of the captains? That's weird. I'm... not sure why the Patriots aren't taking the ball first here.

Although with the new rules, maybe it changes things. Holy crap Moreno's closing in on 200? Broncos stay pulling running backs out of nowhere. Where was... oh, Decker set a pick. OK. Another good punt. Why are the Pats going to an ice-cold Bolden here? Damn, Brady's about to kill somebody. Probably should have been called, but still. Al: "There's your fertilizer chant again." For a 31-31 game we've had some fine punting. Another nice run for Moreno before he limps off.

Talib's down too? Have we seen Montee Ball since his fumble? And on cue, this Anderson kid almost scuttles it. Now I'm with Collinsworth — go downfield. Not digging all of this running now. And this is why... you've failed to take advantage of a suddenly obvious weakness and now you've forced yourself into a decision where none of the choices are all that appealing. Well, the Broncos got the stop they wanted. OH MY GOD NO. Seriously, when's the last time Welker returned punts on the regular? I wouldn't even run a play here. Kick it and get the hell out. The Broncos have their back up quarterback, who's 6-foot-8, in on the field goal defense. Well that ending SUCKED. (Patriots 34, Broncos 31, OT)



The sophomore slump is real. Very real. Oh, Manningham's back? That'll help. Well, eventually, I mean. I see the "find Boldin at all costs" plan is still in effect and working successfully. That play fake fooled no one. Aldon Smith could have just stood there and he would have busted that play up. The horrible throw and interception were just bonuses. Deep throws to Vernon Davis will be there all night long. That speed field goal was done rather well, actually. Really, the only thing that has been for the Redskins tonight, if we're being honest. Griffin is... uncomfortable... after that latest hit. That ain't the midsection, Tirico.


Wait, there was a disputed catch there? That three-and-out — particularly, the things that happened on it — are the Redskins' season in a nutshell. They're going for it? OK, scratch that last thought... that four-and-out is the Redskins' season in a nutshell. Oh man, I'm just seeing what actually happened to Griffin and that was some Suh shit.


You're not going to stop Boldin by trying to take him out. The Redskins have hitting safeties in a coverage league. How did Kaepernick find that opening? Oh, OK, I thought it was a tighter hole than it was. Still, though. The Shanahans are gonna get this kid killed


That's a good punt return. That's a spectacular play fake. No one spotted McDonald until he was 20 yards downfield. There's that .C. efense at work. (See what I did there?) I'm serious: you really have to start asking questions about Shanahan if this continues. The guy's 48-70 since 2006. Meanwhile the 49ers have three backs who can help any team in the league and Marcus Lattimore essentially redshirting. It's a good deal for him, too — rehab at the best facilities with top-level training staff. Seriously, there's a scenario where Chip Kelly is the longest-tenured coach in the NFC East next year.


Meanwhile, Aldon Smith just sacked RGIII again. No, I'm not kidding. There's another sack. There are so many things going wrong here I can't even describe or explain them all.




Why call time out? Why prolong this misery? (49ers 27, Redskins 6)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (10-1) — Top of the map... and the rankings
2. Denver (9-2) — An unfortunate stumble
3. New England (8-3) — Wait, what?
4. New Orleans (9-2) — Kicking dirt on the grave

BOTTOM 4:
29. Atlanta (2-9) — The embarrassments pile up
30. Minnesota (2-8-1) — Seriously, people?
31. Jacksonville (2-9) — Transitive property
32. Houston (2-9) — Weren't they 2-0 at one point?
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