Sunday, October 20, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Grindhouse

Oh, that didn't look good. Of course, it's Bills-Browns; I don't expect anything to look good. Hang on a second: Hoyer's hurt and they're going back to Weeden? What did Jason Campbell do to piss off the Browns? Now Manuel's out too?

The Josh Gordon lovefest bothers me. Can we give him more than two games before proclaiming him the next big thing? We did this with Miles Austin, remember? I thought the Browns were supposed to be tanking. (Browns 37, Bills 24)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYG, BAL @ MIA, DEN @ DAL

Billick's already forgotten that the Eagles' secondary is terrible.


That's.. huh? Ah, OK. That's helmet-to-helmet... intentional or not, it's always getting called in 2013. They DECLINED that penalty? Coughlin's lost it. OH MY GOD. Vick ran for about 30 yards. Let's go back to the Giants declining that penalty for a second. It would have been fourth and... 4? From the Giants' 47? Wouldn't you want to give the other coach a chance to make the wrong decision on 4th down? That's not a safety? How is that not a safety?


That's Vick's first completion and we're in the second quarter. Hey, a Zach Ertz sighting. How did McBride not intercept that? It went right through his hands! Why is Vick running so much? Touchdown! The Giants are inexplicably switching to short throws. Apparently it doesn't matter who carries the ball for the Giants - it's getting fumbled. I mean it just fell out of his hands. The Giants had McCoy stopped and then didn't.


Unless you're putting Foles in right now, Chip, you punt here. Good decision. Seriously, Eli keeps throwing into coverage. And now things are just falling apart. Well this camera angle on the punt is different. Meanwhile, the Giants are about out of guys. JPP's down and angry and Tuck's shaken up on the field. Are the Giants in prevent or something? The Eagles are just walking down the field. Thanks, guy, for pushing Jackson out of bounds and stopping the clock. Field goal! Good job, Foles. Hold up. Did the Giants just blow two time outs on a challenge? That's straight out of Reid's book. No, seriously: Andy did that once.




And why even bother challenging that play? Yeah, it's a first down but it's still in Eagles territory and it's early in the third quarter. Plus it wasn't until the fourth look at it or so that anyone thought it might be overturned in the first place. More stupid Giants penalties. But the Eagles' defense can't stop them a second time. Seriously, call nothing but pass plays against both of these teams.




I mean, they could at least try covering Randle. It's not like Nicks has done anything this year to deserve being doubled. That fair catch interference was a bad call. And that pass interference on Boykin was even worse (and that wasn't even one of Cruz's better sell jobs.)




The offense looks mostly the same. And by that I mean it looks mostly the same as Reid's last year with the absence of running plays. Foles can run this thing — it's not like the preseason battle was a runaway. Grounding again on Eli... there was nobody out there. Wait... what.., that's... OH MY GOD THE EAGLES FORCED A TURNOVER! CELEK! That's a fantastic play all around. Whoa! Boykin's got that but he's had terrible things conspire against him today. Well they upheld it at least. Foles on the option? Strange. Slow down, Brenneman. Another pick! Who was that? Williams? Geez. You know what I'm just now noticing is that the Eagles' offense has been running slower today. The pace hasn't been as fast. Three flags on a punt? The special teams clearly still need work. I can't believe how bad the Giants are. I honestly can't. Hey, a sack. (Eagles 36, Giants 21)

Ravens-Dolphins is utterly failing to hold my interest. It sounds like the officiating here has been as bad as Eagles-Giants. I almost just want to fill this in with Josh's Facebook status updates. You know who'd be good on the Dolphins right now? Jake Long. Then Jones got that pick-six and this turned into a game.That field goal attempt at the end was brutal. Is John Harbaugh attempting crowd control? (Ravens 26, Dolphins 23)


Sweet Lord. The poor Jaguars.(Rams 34, Jaguars 20)

The Cowboys' non-Dez receivers are doing a good job of spinning out of tackles. No catch. Touchdown? WOW that's close. Good job, Dez. Decker fumbled? How was Romo not past the line of scrimmage there? Oh, he wasn't, actually. Never mind. Should have taken it himself, though. Everything about that was ridiculous, including Witten's sliding catch at the end.




Long pass to Decker! I love it when guys hold and it doesn't work. That, on the other hand, was expected. Broncos' defense not playing all that well right now either. Well , until the goal-line stand that ended with a 17-yard sack. Ernie Sims is still alive? Yep, and he's already been assimilated into Cowboys culture by committing a stupid penalty. Peyton was shooting a basket on that third down pass to Moreno. More Decker. Nantz: "How do you defend that?" Simms: "You don't."


More unnecessary Cowboys screwups. That face mask was far more blatant than the hit to Eli's head that didn't get called. Touchdown Broncos! The winner here may need 40, and that is not in the Cowboys' best interest. PEYTON MANNING BOOTLEG.


Dallas was up 14-0. This first half was last week's first half in reverse. Remember this time last year when Moreno's Broncos career was effectively over? There's Welker. Hadn't seen him yet. Whoa! Terrence Williams finally did something right! Every Broncos field goal attempt is a win for the other side. I'm surprised that DRC was close enough to Dez to interfere. And just that quickly the Cowboys are back in this. Going for two here? Barnwell?

Stop the presses! Peyton threw an interception! THE RUSSIAN IS CUT!!! And Morris Claiborne, of all people, who'd been getting lit up this year, is the guy who gets it. You know who's great is Dez Bryant. Deion dumping him was the best thing that ever happened to him. Josh: "It's so sad that he's played the best game of  his life and people are STILL waiting for the RomoDerp." More bad officiating as the refs completely miss Witten being shoved out of the end zone. The Cowboys have taken the lead, but there's plenty of time left and no need to panic. One running play? I don't know about that. Both of these defenses are being torn to shreds. Let me revise that 40 to 50. TONY ROMO THINGS. That was right into coverage. (And I'd see later on Football Night In America that he had the running back wide open on a checkdown.)


Now you call all of the running plays. Uh-oh? Third and short and it's close.




Done and done. And I do mean done. (Broncos 51, Cowboys 48)

I think Rodney Harrison's taken too many shots to the head. How do you even think of benching Cam Newton when he's coached by the worst game-day coach in the league? (Common Sense 4, Football Night In America 1)


Schaub's gonna end up in a mental institution. Not a lot going right for the Texans right now. Heck, not a lot going right football-wise in TEXAS right now. Seriously, the best thing they have at the moment is the Baylor quarterback and I can't think of any time before Griffin that we've been able to say that truthfully. Here's a Watt/Kaepernick split screen for no real reason. Frank Gore's running through people like it's 2008. The ref accidentally kicking the ball so the Texans can't down it really is the only way to end this half. This has been a strange 49ers game. They're running the ball almost at will but haven't gotten anything out of Kaepernick. Of course, with Davis literally hamstrung, he only has Boldin to throw to. Meanwhile, Schaub's getting picked off by backup defensive linemen. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. And here's T.J. Yates. That's how much more of this I can handle. (49ers 34, Texans 3)

Let's see. Oakland. Against a division rival. After a FULL DAY TO DRINK. This will end badly. Wait, Terrelle Pryor isn't completely awful? I'm legitimately stunned. (Raiders 27, Chargers 17)

So who had the Jets with the better record at kickoff of this game? Put your hands down, you filthy liars. I don't think the Falcons are losing two at home, though. Dude dropped a possible interception for a touchdown. PUNT BLOCKED! Oh man that guy just beat the blockers. It would have been so Jets for the Falcons to get the first down anyway. Circus catch! Are the Jets going for it? What's taking so long? Well, so much for that. Hey, a Roddy White sighting. That's an easy one. Bad challenge, Rex. Man, Geno had a week to throw that one. Cumberland again! Did he just try to resurrect the Dirty Bird?




Holy hell the Jets are rolling right now. Tirico: "The Atlanta fans, unhappy." Gonzalez outfights an anonymous Jets DB for the ball because of course he does. Well the hold was much more blatant. Snelling stutter-stepped too much on that run. That screen's not going to work. Falcons going for it on fourth down. Oh man, nobody's open. Gonzalez was held by TWO guys there! One more shot — why are they running Jacquizz Rogers between the tackles? I don't mind going for it, but don't do THAT.

The Falcons cannot run the ball. Yet it doesn't seem to matter until they get back down here. That's more like it. Way to seal that edge. Wait, Geno's only thrown nine passes? What happened there? Ryan cough up the snap? The Soldier's still alive? Oh boy. It's about to get ugly in the dome. Seriously, someone get that thing out of Sanchez's hair. QUIZ SHOW. That'll quiet the mob for a bit. THAT ONE HANDED CATCH. How do you not put three guys on Gonzalez in that situation? Another 4th and short — gotta go for it now, too, right? They did the same thing again. HOLDING. Someone please tell Mike Smith to stop calling runs up the middle against this defense. Wait, who scored? I'm asking. I've never heard of him before. Uh-oh, the Falcons' defense is sucking again. That first down was big.

It's GOOD. WOW. Let me say this: Geno played well tonight. Let me also say this thing that I'm afraid to say: Is Rex working on keeping his job? (Jets 30, Falcons 28)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Denver (5-0) - A soulless killing machine
2. New Orleans (5-0) - The good old days are back
3. Seattle (4-1) - Loss to Colts not as bad as it seems
4. Kansas City (5-0) - Things got dicey for a bit

BOTTOM 4:
29. Pittsburgh (0-4) - Return and regroup
30. Tampa Bay (0-4) - The bad old days are back
31. N.Y. Giants (0-5) - And soon to be 0-6
32. Jacksonville (0-5) - Just bad times all around


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