Saturday, October 5, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Against The Grain

This has all the makings of the usual bad Thursday night blowout: desperate team on the road against an inferior division opponent. If the 49ers lose, do we start invoking the Super Bowl Loser's curse? Because the Madden Curse isn't in play this season.

Sounds about right. So basically all this was was the 49ers going back to power running and the Rams not showing any progress. And even though Sam Bradford's last good coach was Bob Stoops, is it getting close to "pull the plug" time? (49ers 35, Rams 11)

Signal Finder: PIT vs.@ MIN (@ London); NYG @ KC, BAL @ BUF (end), SEA @ HOU (part of OT), PHI @ DEN

Colquitt took a nasty shot on that partially blocked punt. Is he okay? That's Hakeem Nicks's year in a nutshell. Oh, Lord, seriously? The bit about the Giants needing to turn the volume up on their helmets is their year in a nutshell. Oh, Colquitt is hurt. That's not good. Alex Smith is going to run for 100 yards in this game. The Andy Reid goal line offense is rearing its ugly head here. Oh, there we go. Jesus, Cruz beat Dunta Robinson by five yards. That wasn't even close. Eli got sacked? I'm stunned. Fumble! Of course. And the Chiefs... fumble it right back. Eli's thrown about four passes so far that probably should have been picked off.

The Giants are going for it on 4th and 2 with 28 seconds left and only one time out. This needs to work. Cruz gets it. Hurry UP. I... really? HE MISSED THE FIELD GOAL. Eli just threw an absolutely brutal interception to Demps.


And AGAIN the Chiefs give it right back! This is ridiculous. That's a close spot. Haha Reid tossed the challenge flag to the official. It's short. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY. Great work by McCluster on that punt return. How did the 49ers let this Cooper kid get away? There's another bad pass. Eli's hardly had time, and when he has, he's throwing into coverage. I really can't understate just how bad Nicks has been this season.Wait, what? The Giants lined up improperly on the field goal? That's... going to give the Chiefs a first down. First and 25 after the clipping penalty and... the Chiefs get 25 yards. Aaaand taking the field goal off the board pays off. More stupid special teams play by the Giants. Take a knee! The Giants are gonna be 0-6. (Chiefs 31, Giants 7)

Welcome to London! Whoever loses this game may as well stay over there. Hey, a Greg Jennings sighting! Peterson just gashed the Steelers' defense. I mean, I know that's what he does but still. Not sure whose fault that Greenway interception is. This is Le'Veon Bell's, what, second game and he may already be the Steelers' best player. The Steelers are still in this game because the Vikings' pass defense is inexplicably horrible. Hang on... looks at starters That explains it, actually. Who are these guys, anyway? Of course, if Ben's hand is hurt, that just causes bigger problems on the other side. Oh, he's back? Never mind then. Wait, L.C. Greenwood died? Sad. :( No. 29 on the Vikings whiffed on the pick there. Jerricho Cotchery is going off? Is it 2007? The Vikings are doing it again, aren't they? Fantastic concentration by Brown. Sack! FUMBLE! The sack would have ended the game anyway but the fumble sealed it. Chins up, Pittsburgh. You've still got the Pirates. And I can actually say that with complete sincerity. (Vikings 34, Steelers 27)

Why did the Ravens kick the field goal? And why did the Bills effectively run it into the line three times? Wait, what? That pass got tipped about four times. Five interceptions for Flacco? Oh. (Bills 23, Ravens 20)

I want to know who Texans fans think they're going to get that's better than Matt Schaub. Josh Freeman? Please. That's an easy interference call on Browner. The flag on the punt just gave the Seahawks 30 yards. And the unnecessary roughness penalty is going to cost the Texans this game. Well, that and their second-half vanishing act. This should never have happened. (Seahawks 23, Texans 20, OT)

My prediction? PAIN. Why was Connor Barwin covering Welker? Or not covering, as the case may be. Of course, you can't cover all of these guys perfectly — someone's going to end up open. I mean, don't GIVE them first downs, guys. That'll happen a lot. Hey, a James Casey sighting. Gotta catch that, Celek — that was a good throw by Vick into the hole in coverage. Field goals are not going to win this game. And that won't help either. Pam Oliver talking about something that I've been wondering about all week — how the Eagles' pace will work in this altitude. They already seem to be a little slower. Uh-oh. They do NOT need to lose DeSean for any amount of time. Hey, a stop! I don't understand this challenge. He was already down. Yeah, that was easy. Does Bryce Brown just not run between the tackles or are all of his runs designed to go outside? Speaking of Bryce, he just stumbled his way out of a touchdown but did well to not go down and get inside the 5. A CHRIS POLK SIGHTING. TOUCHDOWN. Or was it? I'm not sure, actually. Yeah, there's no overturning that one. Go for two? No? Eh. OK. Peyton under pressure and somehow finds Hillman.


Huh? That was... odd... Eagles let the clock run down and take a delay of game on 4th and 6? Don't get that one. If you're gonna punt, punt. I think Chip legitimately had no idea what he wanted to do there, which kind of worries me. On the flip side, that's a spot where none of your choices are particularly good. Oh my that post to Decker was perfection. Stupid penalty by Moreno shoving Ryans down after the play. A sack! And the Broncos don't score! Tremendous. Peyton staying trolling the Eagles with hard counts. What pass interference? Where? Really? I mean that was inevitable but come on. And now poor tackling manifests itself. Anyone who's surprised by this needs to have his head examined. The severity of this, however, is legitimately surprising, at least to me -- I thought they'd score more points.


That's a blocked punt. Jeff Maehl doing work! This is gonna get worse before it gets better. Though it may get a little better next week. (Broncos 52, Eagles 20)

Always love overhead shots of DOMES. Gonzalez just used Jerod Mayo as a pick. Meanwhile, the Falcons are starting three Madden computer-generated players at linebacker.


Uh-oh. The Patriots don't need to lose Wilfork for any period of time. Mulligan? Who is Mulligan? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Just call a play, Smith. The Patriots aren't jumping. They called a play! It didn't work, but why not. Terrible throw, though. Speaking of terrible throws, how does Thompkins catch that? Unreal. Of course...


Gonzalez. Yo, NBC DJ, how do you play any other version of "Beat It"? The Patriots have no second-half touchdowns this year? Huh.


"Roll Out?" OK, DJ, you just redeemed yourself.


What's Brady hot about? That wasn't a penalty. Oh, wait, there was contact but Brady's gotta make a better throw so Dobson doesn't get killed. I'm not really understanding why the Falcons are trying to throw to Roddy White in space. He can't run. Touchdown Patriots. One thing LeGarrette Blount isn't is fast. There's another one... Thompkins brings it in and the Pats have knocked the Falcons off the rails. Only I notice things like this but Kyle Arrington's had about five different jersey numbers.


Hmm. Touchdown. Falcons are trying to come back. They got the onside kick! The Patriots don't need this to get interesting. Why not call a run down here? There's still enough time...



Another onside kick? I don't think I would have done that... no way it works twice in a row. That's... they called it short? I dunno. Fumbled snap! Falcons get the ball! SICK catch by Jones. If this happens... Now Ryan's misfiring everywhere.


(Patriots 30, Falcons 23)


Is that Nick Toon on the Saints? Did no one see Sproles? And I don't mean because he's only 5-7. That was entirely too easy. I feel like Cameron Wake could have helped the Dolphins somehow on that drive. Remember, Tannehill was a WR for two years at A&M. (That's why I was shocked he started last year's opener. Not enough QB experience.) Stuffed! "Caleb Sturgis"? That's a name for a human being? Hmmm. This looks short. And it is. Dolphins... punting? Yeah, they're punting. The formation looked weird for a second. And that's an argument for leaving the running to the runners. Though it was a good job by Lofton to punch it out, it shouldn't have been that easy. Sproles again. Jimmy Graham is a man among men. Brandon Gibson's on the Dolphins now? How about that. Sweet misdirection by the Dolphins and a great juke by this Thigpen character. The most amazing thing about this year's Saints, to me, is that Rob Ryan is actually coordinating a good defense. Props to the Dolphins for hanging around so far as they're getting outplayed pretty badly. Like so. That looked like one of Eli's interceptions. Sproles AGAIN! Benjamin Watson lives! The wheels may be coming off.




Graham! That was quick. This is officially out of hand.





Go home, Gruden; you're drunk. (Saints 38, Dolphins 17)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Denver (4-0) -- Juggernaut SMASH
2. Seattle (4-0) -- Houstonians are often considered the most hospitable of urban Texans
3. New Orleans (4-0) -- Who says coaching doesn't matter?
4. (tie) New England (4-0) -- Have had some escapes so far
4. (tie) Kansas City (4-0) -- Reid winning big with Scott Pioli's players

BOTTOM 4:
29. Pittsburgh (0-4) -- Lots of things going wrong right now
30. Tampa Bay (0-4) -- It's Christmas every Sunday for their opponents
31. N.Y. Giants (0-4) -- Don't do anything particularly well
32. Jacksonville (0-4) -- Petitioning to join the ACC as we speak

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