By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Road Cooking

If this were a regular season game, Ron Pitts and John Lynch would be calling it. I mean, it's hard to bury a playoff game but NBC almost did it. There's an inauspicious beginning. The Seahawks were fortunate to only give up three there — they can thank Bush for that drop. Tipped pass gets picked? It's getting worse. Lawyer Milloy's still alive? This is a key sequence for the Seahawks because every game they've lost this season they've lost big and ugly, and they need to get something here to stay in this one. Julius Jones? Julius Jones, making Seahawks fans everywhere hate him even more. Poor Roman Harper. First getting run down by Sam Bradford and now this. Again John Carlson gets wide open — the Saints cover tight ends like the Eagles. Brandon Stokley's still alive? Are... are the Seahawks ahead? At halftime? It's only four points; this can't last. Well, now it's 11 points. The Saints have become completely one-dimensional here on offense and they've been nothing short of awful on defense. My God this stadium is loud. Where is Bush, anyway? Bad unnecessary roughness penalty on Clemons. You can't make it easy for the Saints at this point in the game — two touchdowns is nothing to these guys. Julius Jones scores again. Three straight passes, Seahawks? Here's where the Saints having almost no running game really works against them: Thomas or Ivory gets a touchdown there instead of having to kick a 21-yard field goal. O. M. G. That's what Marshawn Lynch calls BEAST MODE, which in my mind's eye looks something like this:



Seriously, that may be the greatest thing he's ever done. Tracy Porter took that stiff-arm like he was a door flying off an exploding car. I'm trying to decide what's more impressive: the 60 pass attempts for Brees or the zero interceptions. This isn't over yet! Really, Sean Payton? A two-point conversion try to stay in a playoff game and you send an ice-cold DeShawn Wynn up the middle? THE KINGS ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE THE... well, let's not get carried away. Even though the Seahawks played their best game in about three years (and the Saints arguably their worst), we all know the real reason they won:

The Madden Curse works in mysterious ways. (Seahawks 41, Saints 36)

THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL. Rex should probably see a professional about that. Let's remember also that the Colts were the No. 3 seed when they won their last Super Bowl. Hey, they got across midfield. There's a development. GARCON! Sanchez should stop throwing to Dustin Keller... it has yet to end well. Aaaand there's an interception in the end zone on another try to Keller to end the half. What a waste that was. At least they get the ball to start the second half. There you go, Keller. If anyone knows anything about beating the Colts in the playoffs, it's LDT. Is Reggie Wayne being triple-teamed or something? I haven't heard his name called all night. (Aside: Wayne was one of the candidates for the Madden 11 cover. Had he won, we would have had the Super Bowl loser on the Madden cover and there's a non-zero chance he'd be dead right now.) Were there really only three possessions in the third quarter? There's Tomlinson again. Ooooh, Peyton and Blair White (?!) couldn't connect and that would have given them a chance to ice it. REAL KICKERS DO REAL THINGS. So do real kickoff returners — that was big. Why did the Colts call time out? Did you see Peyton's face when they announced it? He looked like someone had just told him the Earth was flat. Seriously, why did they do that? That just gave the Jets more time to get closer for a kick that Nick Folk can actually make. I've been hard on Braylon in the past but he's actually had a good year not dropping the football. Nick Folk... does real kicker things? (Jets 17, Colts 16)

Ah, Arrowhead. It's been too long. Eric Berry's already flying all around the field. Ray Rice's absence on that third and goal from the 1-foot line was... odd. There's a fumble and Flacco just has to do a better job protecting the ball. This defense isn't catching Jamaal Charles. From what little I've seen from the Chiefs these days, the biggest differences between this year and last are not only vastly improved team speed (I remember remarking how slow they were when they played the Eagles and Giants on back-to-back weeks last year) and the light going on for a few other guys. OK, there's Rice. Todd Heap has been running wild in this game. Chiefs are going for it here? Fourth and one and you call a toss play? Really? No wonder Charlie Weis is leaving. This is starting to get out of hand. Terrible interception by Cassel and that might be the end of it. His arm is coming forward. The Arrowhead PA is playing "Tell Me Something Good" during the challenge. It worked! At least something did. Kevin Curtis is still alive? I mean, not that it matters, but it's nice to know in the end. (Ravens 30, Chiefs 7)

This feels... familiar. Well, at least it did up until Akers... missed the field goal? That doesn't happen. Tom Crabtree? Who is Tom Crabtree? And along the same lines, when did the Packers finally find a running game? This could be dangerous if this keeps up. Did McCoy roll onto DeSean's leg? Oh boy. And here's another unsettling development: The Packers are continuing to run the ball. Why were they wasting their time with Brandon Jackson all year with this Starks guy sitting in cold storage? Also, what's with all the drops? James Jones could have ended this game before halftime if he'd hung on to that one. It looks like Arkansas in the Sugar Bowl out there. FUMBLE. Michael Vick throws darts. We've got a game finally. Speaking of Brandon Jackson, that was a good job by him on the touchdown to not get tackled while waiting for his blockers to catch up. Akers missed AGAIN?! That's a bad omen. Is Starks the new Antowain Smith? Seriously. Go for it! You've got no choice now! When all else fails, run the sneak with Vick. Go for two! Yes! Wait, what? He stepped out of bounds? Oh, Celek. It really hasn't been a good year at all, has it. Wait... why are they lining up again? What just happened here? (Seriously, I missed the explanation for this, so if anyone's got it, I'd be much obliged.) Vick's limping again. Oh man, if Kolb has to come in, that would just complete the circle, wouldn't it? Oh, this doesn't look good... and it ends just like that. Look, I had the Eagles 8-8 at best and finishing last. This is gravy. Well, garlic butter, as I've never been a gravy fan. But you see my point. (Packers 21, Eagles 16)

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Final Eliminations

Signal Finder: PIT @ CLE, TB @ NO, OAK @ KC (most of second half); DAL @ PHI

Four weeks ago I was saying that Eric Mangini should get some Coach of the Year votes. He hasn't won a game since. Ummmm... I think Polamalu can sit back down now. (Steelers 41, Browns 9)

CRAZINESS. If you didn't see it, the Bucs lined up tight, Freeman faked the sneak, dropped back about 10 yards(!) because the Saints' defensive front didn't fall for it, and lofted an air ball up to Mike Williams in the end zone. How did that work? If I'm Sean Payton, I consider pulling my starters looking at the Falcons score. And there's Chase Daniel, who may actually be shorter than Brees. Why is Brennaman a year late with the "If you get a head coaching gig next year, we really enjoyed working with you, Brian Billick" speech when Billick's name hasn't come up for any opening this year? Bucs win! LeGarrette Blount gets 1,000 yards on the last carry of the game. Here's something else to think about: Tampa's gonna get a third-place schedule next season, too. Now... we wait. /spy movie cliches (Buccaneers 23, Saints 13)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Ravens 13, Bengals 7

Is that the first play Michael Huff's made in the pros? About four minutes ago in real time the Buccaneers snuffed out the same play that the Raiders just scored on. So let me get this straight: The Raiders swept the AFC West and still finished third? Gotcha. (Raiders 31, Chiefs 10)

Break up the Lions! I long ago stopped trying to figure out when Brett Favre's career was finally going to end. But listening to him after this game, there wasn't any of the overwrought emotion or angst of his earlier year-end pronouncements. He sounded... at peace. I think he's finally done. (Lions 20, Vikings 13)

Who are these people? This feels like Week 2 in the preseason. And Kolb's playing like he did in Week 2 of the preseason. Witten? Of course Witten. It's always Witten. This game only taught me two things: The Eagles could use another cornerback, and Stephen McGee isn't as good as Jon Kitna. (Cowboys 14, Eagles 13)

I'm curious why we didn't get a late CBS game here. We did two years ago in the same circumstance. I feel like that fumbled snap should be the last one Kerry Collins ever takes. REAL KICKERS DO REAL THINGS. crosses off Jaguars (Colts 23, Titans 20)

I support the Bears' decision here. You get a chance to singlehandedly knock your biggest rival out of the playoffs, you take it. Plus, as an Eagles fan, I'd really rather not have to face the Packers again. Keeping Cutler off his back might help the plan go better. Has anything happened so far? The Packers' best goal-line option seems to be "Rodgers off right tackle," which can't be good going forward. This is beginning to look like the Packers-Lions game from four weeks ago, and that's a bad thing. I think that punt return was the longest-gaining play of the game. A touchdown! Wow! You know what this leaves us with? The best wild-card teams of all time, that's what. crosses off Buccaneers (Packers 10, Bears 3)

This looks like a game between two sub-.500 teams. Who are these people? The Seahawks' defense sure isn't the 49ers'. The Mike Williams comeback story doesn't seem to be getting much play outside of Seattle and it should. Is this gonna happen? There's a rookie mistake
Look, this probably won't happen again for another 90 years. Still, it begs the question for Seahawks fans: Was this a good season? (Seahawks 16, Rams 6)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (14-2) — Seriously?
2. Pittsburgh (12-4) — Time to get more rest
3. Atlanta (13-3) — Shaking it off
4. New Orleans (12-4) — Champs remain dangerous

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (5-11) — The Cardinals you know and love are back, ladies and gentlemen...
30. Cincinnati (4-12) — ...and so are the Bengals
30. Denver (4-12) — Need a total makeover
32. Carolina (2-14) — Um... forget what I said here last week. Party at Jimmy Clausen's house!

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: The Massively Delayed Sleep Deprivation Edition

It's my understanding that Festivus is today. Who determines this? Is it arbitrary? I bring this up because this is as worthy an occasion as any to begin the Airing of Grievances. Hey NFL schedule makers! I GOTTA LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE! Who among you decided that the Carolina Panthers were worthy of any prime-time exposure at this point in the season? What made you think they'd be any good? C'mon, man! (Steelers 27, Panthers 3)

Jon Kitna, John Skelton, and nine wins total. Merry Christmas, football fans. I actually completely forgot about this game until I saw how it ended. I've decided that David Buehler is a smaller, less violent Sebastian Janikowski. (Cardinals 27, Cowboys 26)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ CHI, SF @ STL, NYG @ GB

That pass is why Danny Amendola is a wide receiver. I'm not sure any quarterback has ever appreciated a running back like Sam Bradford should appreciate Steven Jackson. That's a safety, isn't it? SPEED (2)! This game looks like what a game between two sub-.500 teams fighting for playoff position looks like. Alex is in? What happened to Troy? Oh, he's on the sideline yelling at Singletary. The young people watching this need to know it didn't used to be like this for them. And yet it's amazing the 49ers are still in this thing. Oh, I don't think Alexander stepped out. I mean, I'm looking at this replay and it's close, but I wouldn't be able to call that. And it ends up not mattering for anything but fantasy purposes (although, let's be honest: if Danario Alexander is starting on your fantasy team, and it's week 16, it doesn't matter anyway.) finally, mercifully, crosses off 49ers (Rams 25, 49ers 17)

Come on, Soldier Field. We need you to come up big with signs for Rex. Don't let America down. You know who's good is Matt Forte. Hey, a Shonn Greene sighting! Into a bad spot into double coverage? Nice work, Cutler. Hey, a LaDanian Tomlinson sighting! These vaunted defenses are getting shredded. Did not see this one coming. In that same vein, it really is amazing how much time Cutler's had to throw. The Bears' offensive line has been playing better but the Jets have absolutely no pass rush. Seriously, people, stop kicking it to Devin Hester. STOP. And the Jets come right back with Holmes? What is going on here? Knox and Hester give the Bears ridiculous speed on the outside. A field goal? And Nick Folk made it? That might be an even bigger upset. Have we really gone almost an entire quarter in this game without anyone scoring? And there's the mistake one of these two was bound to make. Though that was a nice play by Harris to swoop in and pick that off. (Bears 38, Jets 34)

So no T.O., no Ocho, and Carson puts up his best passer rating ever. I'm not saying; I'm just saying. crosses off the song (Bengals 34, Chargers 20)

Looks like the Giants are still in shock. Seriously, Jordy Nelson shouldn't be doing that to anyone. Mario Manningham is the evolutionary Nate Washington. Discuss. Oh wow. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'd say he wheels are coming off but they're already off. And really, they haven't just come off — they're rolling down the road independently of each other and hitting other cars. The casino across the street~~~~~ I didn't know Green Bay even had casinos. I know Milwaukee's got a couple. And now Tom Coughlin finds himself in the same spot he was in five years ago: needing to beat the Washington Redskins to save his job. Unfortunately for him, Tiki Barber isn't around to bail him out like last time. (Packers 45, Giants 17)

The Saints and Falcons have a history of trading wins on the other's home field, so this wouldn't have been surprising even if the Saints were 5-10 or something. (Saints 17, Falcons 14)

TUESDAY. ESPN's Kevin Nagandi: "If George Costanza were the assistant to the Minnesota Vikings' traveling secretary, he would have quit by now." I haven't heard a halfway decent explanation as to why this game was flexed in the first place — the Vikings aren't very good this year and are out of it, and Favre was hurt before they made the switch. And if this turns into a three-hour Favre eulogy, I'm checking out. Seriously, Jets-Bears was RIGHT THERE.

Also, I haven't paid attention to Ed Rendell's opinions on football for the past eight years and I'm certainly not about to start now. But let's break this down, since he clearly has no idea how this actually works: You've gotta move 70,000 people from all across the region into one spot in South Philadelphia over roads that are doubtlessly in terrible condition with poor visibility. South Jersey Transit is completely shut down, and SEPTA is partially shut down. (And anyone who rides SEPTA regularly will tell you that "SEPTA" and "peak efficiency" almost never appear in the same sentence.) There'll be snow falling in the stadium all day that has to be cleared out before the game so people can sit down and move around. What happens if an emergency vehicle is needed at the stadium? How long is it going to take to get there through the weather conditions? Then you have to do the same thing four hours later after the game's over, with the additional factor that all the fans are now drunk. And it's not like you can wait until 7:30 p.m. to make this decision, either. If the NFL's choice is between taking a PR hit and looking like "wimps" for moving the game or taking a PR hit for not moving the game and somebody dying because of it... look, that's an easy one.

Vick's limping already? Nice catch, Clay Harbour. Clay Harbour? Yeah, that's clearly in. And after that the Eagles just seem off. Have they run the ball at all so far? That's about the third interception the Vikings have dropped. You can't drop a fumble, though. Why is Andy challenging this? I can't see how they can say Rice didn't have control. Um. Well then. Joe Webb just made the entire Eagles' defense miss him twice. Juqua Parker still hasn't caught him. This... did not go well. On the flip side, I think Leslie Frazier just earned himself a full-time job. Or at least a real shot at one. (Vikings 24, Eagles 14)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (13-2) — Brady may never throw an interception again
2. Pittsburgh (11-4) — Yawn
3. Atlanta (12-3) — Offense got shut down Monday night
4 (tie). New Orleans (11-4) — Made a "don't forget about us" statement
4 (tie). Chicago (11-4) — Believe. BELIEVE!

BOTTOM 4:
29. Dallas (5-10) — Seriously, what happened to that defense?
30. Cincinnati (4-11) — In straight audition mode
31. Denver (4-11) — Tebow wins!
32. Carolina (2-13) — I'll offer my yearly ritual plea a week early this season: TRADE THE PICK