By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Precious Declarations

Posit: You're starting a third-string quarterback on a short week of preparation. You're also starting your backup center at center and your third-string center at guard. Your left tackle has a shoulder injury. So your backs run the ball six times? Whatever. The thing with Marshall and Cutler on the sideline: I was listening to Mike and Mike Friday morning and that seems to stem from when Marshall wanted out of Denver, Cutler either told Bears management not to bring him in or didn't really lobby for it one way or the other. REVENGE FOR 1985. Ska: "Jeff George's phone line is open. Just sayin'." (Bears 16, Dolphins 0)

Signal Finder: GB @ MIN, WAS @ TEN (end), OAK @ PIT, HOU @ NYJ (end); IND @ NE

Well, the old Raiders have resurfaced. And the Raider DNA has clearly infected Richard Seymour, who really should know better. I don't care if Ben said to you whatever Marco Mazzeratti said to Zidane. YOU DON'T DO THAT. It's hilarious and sad reading the message boards and seeing people praise Seymour for knocking Ben down and connecting it to the alleged sexual assault stuff (like one had anything to do with the other), proclaiming "The Silver and Black is back!" (The outlaw cheap shot artists? Sure) and talking about how that's how a man handles it when someone 'gets in his face' (A real man picks his battles, and punking out the opposing quarterback after his team's scored 21 points on you in the first half is not a battle you pick. Even if you win, you lose.) Get. Out. There's another touchdown. Wait... what? WHAT?! Then the false start happens and the Steelers fans are still booing the last call. Then Farrior comes FLYING offside. That's what, four straight penalties? It's chaos out there. Gradkowski? What happened to Campbell? Doesn't seem to matter much today as there's another turnover. Cable should probably bench the people responsible for the running game going to crap. I'M MIKE WALLACE. This is officially out of hand. (Steelers 35, Raiders 3)

Oh, we've been switched. I don't think this is a touchdown. Of course, I've been wrong before. Like now, for instance. Edwards down the sideline! Oh no. Not again. YES. AGAIN. And the crowd ERUPTS. crosses off Texans Seriously, two weeks in a row? Their collective psyche just exploded. (Jets 30, Texans 27)

GUNSLINGER. This could get ugly fairly quickly now. What's with Favre on the sideline? Did Childress threaten to bench him again? Who gets the ball first in the second half? The Packers? Oh, yeah, this could definitely get ugly. These kids playing corner for the Vikings are so overmatched here it isn't funny. You just have to hope they learn from this, although I'm not sure a shouting match with the defensive line will help matters. Matt Flynn lives! Yeah, we're done here. That it ended this way seems... fitting, somehow. (And if you're Childress, what do you do with Favre knowing that neither one of you's coming back next year?) We going to Nashville? Yep. (Packers 31, Vikings 3)

And apparently we should have arrived in an ambulance. Who is Rusty Smith? Anybody? AGAINST: The Redskins' yellow pants. Hey, that Donovan McNabb doesn't run a bad two-minute drill. There's Brandon Banks! Gano missed? Was that short? Yeah, it was, and an ugly kick to boot, looking at the replay. That's no way to treat a former teammate, Will Witherspoon. Try this one, Graham. That's more like it. (Redskins 19, Titans 16, OT) crosses off Vince Young's Tennessee Titans career

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bad throw by Peyton, but Sanders had to make a nice play to get to it. But with the Colts' offense running practice-squad guys out there, it really shouldn't have come to that. (Patriots 31, Colts 28)

Forget the Pac-10... can we trade the NFC West for the WAC? (Chiefs 31, Cardinals 13; Falcons 34, Rams 17; Saints 34, Seahawks 19; Buccaneers 21, 49ers 0)

Vick's been getting hit more than he's been used to this year. Oh boy. Avant just dropped that one. Nice to see the Eagles have revived the goal-line offense they used against the Colts. It should really be about 24-3 right now. And that does include the blocked field goal. When's the last time you saw that? (Two weeks ago?) Possibly. Aw, jeez. Hobbs missed the second half of last year with a neck injury, too. Move something! Hope he's OK. This is what happens when you settle for field goals against good teams. Vick turns it over on a picture-perfect strip by Tuck. So much of this game is about getting the little things right. Derek Hagan? Who? Nice footwork in the back of the end zone, at any rate. Still plenty of time here, and you have to think the Eagles think they can hit something on this Giants defense. Fourth and 1 with Vick? You go for it. Touchdown! Vick got blown up but the ball — and McCoy — were LONG gone. It's now officially typical Eagles-Giants — an almost-fumbled snap on 4th and 1 turns into the go-ahead touchdown. There's another pick for Samuel. What happened? He fumbled? Bradshaw skullcrushed that thing out of there. That's exactly how you do that. At least the Giants didn't pick up any yards. Oh, come on, you can't let Eli pick this up running. FUMBLE? Yeah, looks like it. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Mannings don't make money with their feet. And people complain that Vick doesn't slide... Eli dropped and rolled like they teach you how to do when your body catches fire. That ball's out. You see that graphic where the Giants have 14 turnovers in their last four games against the Eagles? That's just brutal. (Eagles 27, Giants 17)

This is where I remind all of you — after reminding myself — that Kyle Orton's done this before. He did this every week at Purdue for years. Dude would've been a Heisman finalist his senior season if he hadn't gotten banged up and missed three games. On the other side, you look at some of the guys Philip Rivers is throwing to and you wouldn't be wrong to wonder if "San Diego" isn't preceded by "University of." Are the Chargers starting to heat up? And does it really matter in the end? We've seen this movie before. As far as current events go, this turned into an absolute thrashing. Rivers just threw another touchdown pass. (Chargers 35, Broncos 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (5-6, W1): The various beatdowns gave me a 30-point win and kept me in the playoff chase.

JackSux (4-7, L1): So we were already off to a rollicking start as I picked up the Bears' defense for the sole purpose of playing them against Tyler Thigpen — and Yahoo and I both forget to actually put them into the starting DEF slot on the roster page, costing me 23 points from the jump. THEN I somehow forgot to start Greg Jennings. So that's 59 points on the bench and Jay beat me by 41. I don't deserve to make the playoffs doing stupid crap like that.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. N.Y. Jets (8-2) — Good teams find ways
2. New England (8-2) — Defense will cost them at some point
3. Green Bay (7-3) — Overlooked and underappreciated
4. Philadelphia (7-3) — Is this when the separation starts?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-7) — Going nowhere fast
30. Buffalo (2-8) — An aberration?
31. Cincinnati (2-8) — You can't let the Bills do that to you. You just CAN'T
32. Carolina (1-9) — I'm sure Chris Weinke's not busy