By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: You Lose, You Snooze

Signal Finder: ATL @ PHI, NYG @ PIT, CLE @ JAX

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Redskins 25, Lions 17

Welcome back, Brian. Now if you can get McNabb's accuracy back, that'd be a plus. Why is Ryan throwing into triple coverage? Oh. Mike Smith looks like Jeffrey Lurie. Hey, a quarterback sneak! This game has flowed the exact opposite way of every other Eagles game this season. You know who's good is Roddy White. And the goal-line struggles continue. Take the points! That's not a muff ZOMG THEY'RE OUT OF TIME OUTS AND CAN'T CHALLENGE. That's kind of a raw deal. (Eagles 27, Falcons 14)

How'd Smith stay inbounds? This is why you just can't believe in the Cardinals. (Panthers 27, Cardinals 23)

The NFL might have to rethink this London thing because everyone keeps finding things to complain about. Though there's no reason to take a home game away from the Saints, of all teams. (Saints 37, Chargers 32)

Ah, so that thing about the Browns playing in plastic bubbles for the rest of the year was a vicious rumor. I see. Rogers is all over the place and the defense actually looks quality. I'm not sure I see it flipping around, though. (Browns 23, Jaguars 17)

I don't know why Coughlin's challenging this. Jacobs didn't make it. And even if he did, there's absolutely no way to tell that he did. Ben's getting beat up again. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. You remember what I said about Nate Washington last week, right? FYI, it's not yet been determined which of Ward or Bradshaw is "Wind" and "Fire". So I come back from the bathroom and it's... tied at 14? Long snap, indeed. Seriously, that ball was at about the 20-yard line. I don't know how much the Steelers' defense has left. Did Plaxico not get booed off the field? I'm disappointed. (Giants 21, Steelers 14)

The Colts cannot stop this running game. I mean, it's not like they're not trying. Still, they're ahead because their defense has risen up when it's counted - well, until White broke that one off. Ah, geez, Peyton's having flashbacks. How'd they get from 17 to 31 so fast? Is it too early to cross off the Colts? Because they've got... issues. (Titans 31, Colts 21)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-5, L1): It's getting dire, friends.

JackSux 5 (5-3, W1): The league this year sets up nicely with eight teams so that everyone ends up playing twice. The second half begins with another win over Rob's little brother. Now to find a quarterback for next week...

RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (6-1) - That was ugly
2. Tennesse (7-0) - That was gritty
3. Pittsburgh (5-2) - That was unfortunate

30. Kansas City (1-6) - Can't afford to give away games
31. Detroit (0-7) - Seriously, what's the point?
32. Cincinnati (0-8) - Stay away, Carson! You've got your whole life ahead of you!

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Are You Ready For Some... Baseball?

Signal Finder: PIT @ CIN, SF @ NYG, NYJ @ OAK

Cedric Benson's starting? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a sorry state of affairs. Holy crap, Ward just punked that guy. Seems like every time you see Nate Washington he's catching a 40-plus-yard pass. Ah, that's more like it. (Steelers 38, Bengals 10)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Giants 29, 49ers 17

Admit it. You thought Brad Johnson was dead. Here's the thing: I still don't think Jim Haslett's a very good head coach, but the Rams should not have been as bad as they were the first month of the season. Jackson is shredding this defense. I wonder who regrets more the events that allowed him to end up with the Rams: the Cowboys (who traded down out of what everybody figured was his spot and went on to draft Julius Jones later) or the Bills (who traded up into this spot to take... J.P. Losman)? (Rams 34, Cowboys 14)

These two teams aren't supposed to play a game that ends up with this score. (Bears 48, Vikings 41)

Jets-Raiders, Channel 3? Really? Really? Favre is getting pounded. Ah, same old Raiders. There are flags all over this field. Sebastian Janikowski: still shaky after all these years. How many chances are the Jets gonna squander here? Favre hasn't thrown deep at all today, for one thing. Sweet Jebus, this game is horrible. You know what's strange? The stats say Thomas Jones rushed for 159 yards, but I don't remember seeing him once. I think at one point I actually wondered if he'd gotten hurt. Jay Feely from 52? I got doubts about this one. DINK. What. Are you kidding me. And he makes the re-kick. That'd be such a Raiders way to lose. Or tie. YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. Of course, he'll make this one. Told ya. (Raiders 16, Jets 13, OT)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Seriously, you know why Madden took this week off? Because he knew this game would suck. (Buccaneers 20, Seahawks 10)

That's quite the inauspicious start. You can see Cutler looking down at his hand like something's wrong. Looks like taking Pittman out was a bad move. Did he just fumble again? I can't figure out how a defense with this many good players on it can be so bad. Moss's attempt at a Lambeau Leap was... lacking. Seriously, this is a beatdown. Patrick Ramsey lives! The human leg's not supposed to bend like that. Who can figure out either of these teams. If I'm the Broncos, I sign this guy immediately. (Patriots 41, Broncos 7)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-4, W1): Oh, look, I beat Charlie again, mostly because the Bears' defense and special teams went off.

JackSux 5 (4-3, L2): Great Cowboys debut, Roy Williams. I should cut him out of spite. Or on general principle. Willis McGahee sitting on my bench because I still thought he was 50/50 didn't help either.

RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (5-1) - It was ugly, but so what?
2. Tennessee (6-0) - The tests are coming
3. Pittsburgh (5-1) - Who needs a first- or second-string running back, anyway?

30. Kansas City (1-5) - Len Dawson is two phone calls away
31. Detroit (0-6) - Does anyone care anymore?
32. Cincinnati (0-7) - In the stormy sea that is this NFL season, the Bengals sucking is like a lighthouse

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Now playing: Fabulous Thunderbirds, The - Wrap It Up
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Don't Leave Just Yet

Signal Finder: BAL @ IND (first half), STL @ WSH, CIN @ NYJ (second half), MIA @ HOU (end), PHI @ SF, DAL @ AZ (end)

Dan Orlovsky's (Close To) Actual Quote: "When the whistle blew, I thought, 'Did we false start? Were they offsides? Man, I'm an idiot.'" (Vikings 12, Lions 10)

I'm not sold on the Redskins' game plan so far - they should be bum-rushing the Rams' awful secondary. Plus they look a little sluggish. JUST FALL ON IT. That's the first thing that's gone right all year for the Rams. "Incognito", huh? That's a wildly inappropriate name right now. He probably just cost them the game. Or not. Lord knows I've been wrong before. (Rams 19, Redskins 17)

Wow, Schaub walked in untouched. Kubiak learned that play from Shanahan. Why are they going for two here? There's not enough time for the Dolphins to stop the clock and kick a field goal. (Texans 29, Dolphins 28)

Yeah, this is exactly why I hate the squib kick. Are the Falcons really 4-2? (Falcons 22, Bears 20)

Cross-country trip after a bad loss for a game they always lose - you can understand my trepidation. "Strikeability?" That's a new one to alert to Simmons, I think. Nolan's jacket looks too big. Allen Rossum! Hey, I remember you. stop doing that. "Splashability?" Tim Ryan's making this up as he goes along, isn't he? The double pitch? That's one I've never seen before. If Jackson goes left, he's in. Oh, no. What do you wanna call that one, Ryan? "Missedblockability?" This is where it all goes south. Or maybe not, as McNabb's trying his best to rally the troops. You know who's been good today is Buckhalter. The hell are they challenging that for? You'd almost think Mike Martz was invol... oh, wait. Juqua Parker! With SPEED! I still don't know how this happened. (Eagles 40, 49ers 26)

I know, "letter of the law" and all that, but it seems kind of harsh to call offsides when the guy's clearly hurt. Yeah, it's five more yards. Don't you people know that? BLOCKED! WHAT?! Wow. This would be such a Cardinals way for them to lose. BLOCKED! WHAT?! Wow. That was such a Cardinals way for them to lose. And yet... (Cardinals 30, Cowboys 24, OT)

Think the Chargers watched Ravens-Colts and said, "Hey, let's do that to... Deltha O'Neal?" I wonder what vengeance tastes like. Probably pepper bacon. Mmmmm. There's a couple more of these coming, Patriots fans. (Chargers 30, Patriots 10)

Odds of a Brady Quinn sighting tonight? 3:1? Jamal Lewis is still getting it done. Is this Old Eli resurfacing? I'm not sure it matters as I don't thin the Browns can hold the giants down all night. Unless that keeps happening. This is Old Eli resurfacing. Wow. That's Dawg Pound Pride right there. (Browns 35, Giants 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (2-4, L1): Got nothing from anyone. NEXT.

JackSux (4-2, L1): Losing to Rob is never fun.

RANKINGS:

1. N.Y. Giants (4-1) - Man, I don't know. Seriously. I have no idea
2. Tennessee (5-0) - Yes, I'm pulling an Alabama in them
3. Pittsburgh (4-1) - Same here

30. St. Louis (1-4) - They tried their damnedest to lose
31. Cincinnati (0-6) - Gah
32. Detroit (0-5) - Are unaware of the dimensions of the field

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Points of Comparison

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, PHI @ MIL, CIN @ DAL

Mike and Mike floated the idea Monday morning that the start times for games on the East Coast where a West Coast team is visiting should be pushed back to 4 because the visiting team's gotten slaughtered every tine it's happened so far. I don't know if there's anything to that, but I don't know how else you explain this. (Dolphins 17, Chargers 10)

Snap. Crackle. Pop. (That's for the Rollins HR.) What a sweet drive. And that's why they drafted the kid. Though the refs never pick up the flag on a block in the back on a return (which happens ALL THE TIME), so that was kind of strange. I feel like Buck's going to be a step behind the seemingly random Phillies-related cheering all day. While the Eagles' idea of shutting down Santana has merit, they're doing it at the expense of everything else. Seriously, Portis can't be stopped right now. The Randle El touchdown pass was pretty much perfectly executed. Man, the Eagles are just getting pushed around. Lay a hand on a guy, something. Wait, how can there be a late hit out of bounds on a guy when he's already got him by the face mask? The officiating in this game has been strange. I'm not saying 'bad', I'm saying 'strange'. What was that? The play clock freezes, the refs restart it, Reid apparently sends in an audible to McNabb, and they end up losing three yards? The Eagles are becoming last year's Redskins. (Hey, anybody out there watch Poker After Dark? Did you see last week with the amateur Featherstone's dream table? His play last week was pretty much how the Eagles played: a good start (flopping the straight against Hellmuth's two pair), a whole lot of nothing after that (his card deadness), a missed opportunity late (the 77 hand), and then a failed last gasp (getting outdrawn by Gavin at the end).) We also learned that the Redskins are better than a lot of people thought, myself included. The rain better end in Chicago soon because Bengals-Cowboys is going to suck long and hard. (Redskins 23, Eagles 17; Phillies 6, Brewers 2)

So if the Eagles are last year's Redskins, are the Giants last year's Patriots? (Giants 44, Seahawks 6)

And the Lions... well, they're definitely last year's Lions. (Bears 34, Lions 7)

You gotta slide. YOU GOTTA SLIDE! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Dear God. I expect a screencap of Rosenfels getting helicoptered and fumbling to be a new FAIL picture meme within 10 days. (Colts 31, Texans 27)

Hey, Carson's back. Is it 17-0 yet? Well, it's close. What's going on with the Cowboys' offense? ONSIDE KICK~! Yep, just as I thought... Chris Perry sucks. I can't believe the Bengals are still in this game. Seriously, the Cowboys can't get anything going. I guess since the Bengals are freezing Ocho Cinco out they figured Dallas wouldn't expect them to go to Utecht, but that was still odd. I'm pretty sure either Crayton or Austin wasn't supposed to be there. T.O.: "God used me today for His glory." What? You caught two passes and almost got beat by the Bengals! I'm pretty sure God's better than that. (Cowboys 31, Bengals 22)

Did Heath Shuler win that Congressional seat? I don't remember. Brees never saw Winfield coming and he shouldn't have gotten close to him anyway. How do you miss that facemask call? How do you punt to Bush again after what happened earlier? Pass interference when you've got the guy doubled? That's a new one. Not the ending I was expecting. (Vikings 30, Saints 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (2-3, W2): Anquan Boldin breaking his face means more opportunities for Larry Fitzgerald, and combined with Chris Cooley faking everybody out, that equals another win for me.

JackSux V (4-1, W1): See, here's the thing about fantasy football: Portis running wild ticked me off as an Eagles fan, but he also helped get me my highest point total of the year.

RANKINGS

1. N.Y. Giants (4-0) - I feel like I'm on an island here
2. Tennessee (5-0) - Who saw THIS coming?
3. Washington (4-1) - Campbell getting better and better
(tie) Pittsburgh (4-1) - That was a revenge-fueled gut check

30. Cincinnati (0-5) - Yeah, Chris Henry'll help matters
31. Detroit (0-4) - I feel like the Lions should be contracted
32. St. Louis (0-4) - Blah