By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Grindin'

Signal Finder: PHI @ MIN, WSH @ NE

Ah, English weather. Eli runs like Peyton. I think the streak at halftime was the longest play from scrimmage for the game. Hey, a SPEED 2: Cruise Control sighting! I'm not sure what we should be apologizing to the British more for: the Dolphins, or Tony Siragusa. (Giants 13, Dolphins 10)

Are these... are these touchdowns? You know who's good is Trent Cole. The hell was that? Get away from there! Good Lord. Also, way to waste a challenge, Childress. You didn't learn that from Reid, that's for sure. Did he just hurdle that pile? I was about to say that we hadn't really seen anything that made you go "OMG Adrian Peterson" and then that happens. If you missed Candice's fall on Raw last week, just watch what happens to Holcomb here and you'll know how it ended. That may have been the shortest flea-flicker ever. Nice concentration by Curtis. Oh, we're back to the field goals, I see. Bollinger might actually be better than Holcomb at this point, to be quite honest. Um, wasn't Curtis knocked out of bounds there? The Eagles really bottled Peterson up for the most part. Good for them. (Eagles 23, Vikings 16)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. J.P. Losman (I debated dropping him, but the fact is, he lost his starting job to a guy who won zero games in college last year and only got it back because he got hurt); 2. Champ Bailey/Dre Bly (tie); 4. Steven Jackson; 5. Adrian Peterson, kickoff returner

Aaaaaaand the Super Bowl Losers' hangover strikes again. (Lions 16, Bears 7)

From Week 4: "I'm having trouble remembering the third guy who was at Michigan and wore No. 1 when Breaston and Avant were both there. It wasn't David Terrell, I don't think." This was Braylon Edwards. Shame on you people. (Browns 27, Rams 20)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Bills 13, Jets 3

Troy never had more than 21 touchdown passes in a season? Really? Hmmm. (Yeah, according to this, he's wrong. I'm not sure how I feel about that.) Oh, look, another Mike Vrabel touchdown. Troy: "I'm not sure how that happens." Me neither, man. It's only been happening for, what, SEVEN YEARS? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The fake spike LIVES! As far as running up the score goes, look at it another way: Would you rather they started taking knees with 10 minutes left? (Patriots 52, Redskins 7)

At least the weather's seasonal. The Broncos failed at containment on that one. Holy crap, that referee got creamed. I feel like Shanahan's doing an in-game impression of Belichick with the "Where's John Lynch?" subplot. Ryan Grant's getting a lot of run tonight. So is Kampman, who just spent the better part of an hour chasing Marshall down. Why is Cutler running here? Remember, they did this against the Bills, too. Whoa! That was quick! (Packers 19, Broncos 13)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (6-2, L1): WHEN TOP TEAMS COLLIDE... Brian beats me, that's what happens. In fact, here's another perspective on what's going on in Foxborough this year: I was effectively beaten by Brady and the Patriots' defense, who outscored my entire team 62-55 by themselves.

JackSux4 (3-5, L1): Starting Ben over Carson was a good move against the horror show that is the Bengals' pass defense, but we didn't have enough to beat the Iguana Brothers.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. (tie) New England (8-0), Indianapolis (7-0) - Of course, that'll change next week
3. Dallas (6-1) - I was starting to wonder if they'd forgotten that Romo's contract was expiring

BOTTOM 3:

30. N.Y. Jets (1-7) - So where's Pennington's next stop?
31. St. Louis (0-8) - When's the last time we had two winless teams this late?
32. Miami (0-8) - Could have sparked an international incident in some other countries

NP: Hot Hot Heat - "Middle Of Nowhere"

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Time And A Half

Signal Finder, Week 6: PHI @ NYJ, TEN @ TB (?), NE @ DAL

The Jets have never beaten the Eagles? Really? Also Reid is 8-0 after a bye week so this should be set in stone. The hell are those things? That's some poor tackling right there, friends. Hey, a Thomas Jones sighting. I'm watching the Jets and they remind me of last year's Redskins with their complete and utter inability to finish a game. (Eagles 16, Jets 9)

41 points? To Cleveland? Really? (Browns 41, Dolphins 31)

Seriously, this plays right into the Patriots' strength. See? Uh-oh, there's a turnover or something. Why am I not at all concerned about the outcome here? Oh, that's right, because the Patriots are UNSTOPPABLE CYBORGS. (Patriots 48, Cowboys 27)

Signal Finder, Week 7: SF @ NYG, BAL @ BUF, TEN @ HOU (close to the end), ARZ @ WSH (end), back to SF @ NYG (end), CHI @ PHI

Look, people, I know Brady's had his problems here. And I know the '72 Dolphins are starting to get to the beginning stages of getting a little nervous. But it's not happening today. Trust me. Why isn't Beck starting, by the way? What's the point? One thing that seems to have been overlooked is that the Dolphins' defense seemed to get really old really fast. And that's not just from seeing what the Patriots did. Taylor: "We can't win in America. Maybe we can win overseas." (Patriots 49, Dolphins 28)

WTF Ken Whisenhunt. You're supposed to call a play that has a chance in hell of working. (Redskins 21, Cardinals 19)

CBS not being able to show the end of the Titans game live led to the NFL Today crew having to call it in between breaks of analyzing what had just happened and showing instantaneous replays. It got hilarious at times. Some nice throws by Collins on that last drive. What an ugly kick. Of course, when you've done it nine times before already (counting the extra points) your leg's gotta get tired, right? (Titans 38, Texans 36)

Did That Actually Happen?: Some red zone touchdowns would be nice. Hell, some excitement would be nice. This is the only acceptable use of the squib kick, by the way. No exceptions. And it really is working and is all the Eagles have done since the one Akers kicked out of bounds. It's not like the Eagles can't move the ball, which is the frustrating part. Finally! It should be noted that Donovan missed Schobel against similar coverage in the first half. That's a good kick. Um, guys? Guys? GUYS! It's Brian, not Bob! Are you kidding me? Brian Griese did that? I don't know if it would have been better or worse had Rex done it. I think it's time for this team to break character and start panicking. (Bears 19, Eagles 16)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Cowboys 24, Vikings 14. That's a good thing, by the way.

While I do agree with Kornheiser that there's a sense of "Hey, don't forget about us" with the Colts, they'll never admit it publicly and I wish he'd stop harping on it. I wonder how many fantasy owners that Kenton Keith touchdown pissed off. Same thing with Peyton's sneak. There goes Garrard. And there goes MJD. Wow, in all of the talk about the league's worst receiving corps, the Jaguars have been forgotten about. Seriously, they're not even trying now. (Colts 29, Jaguars 7)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (6-1, W2): Despite leaving Kenny Watson's 29 points on the bench and trading Boldin to Jet not figuring that both he and Warner would actually play, I got a good win over OJ's White Broncos.

JackSux 4 (3-4, W1): Nobody's out of it! Certainly not us after putting a hurting on Johnny's Spartans led by Watson, Coles, and the Giants' defense. Rob's in first place and I've actually scored more points than he has. :)

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (7-0) - Have I said "I'm officially terrified" yet?
2. Indianapolis (6-0) - But just to be sure... y'all didn't forget, right?
3. (tie) Dallas (6-1) - NFC's "best", which, let's be honest...
(tie) Colorado Rockies (7-0 post.) - Also cannot be stopped

BOTTOM 3:
30. Atlanta (1-6) - Can't even stop punchless Saints
31. St. Louis (0-7) - Stay down, Marc! Stay down!
32. Miami (0-7) - Well, they still have the Bills twice...

Good Night, Mom-Mom

My grandmother - my mom's mother and my last surviving grandparent - died Friday morning.

I'll be pretty scarce most of this coming week.

Thanks for understanding.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Fortune Faded

View Finder: NYJ @ NYG, DET @ WSH, CAR @ NO (end), ATL @ TEN (end), SD @ DEN

I can never tell who the crowd favors when this game happens. Speaking of that, here's a Recent Development, I think: it's not "Giants Stadium" anymore when the Jets are the home team. It's now "The Meadowlands." Jacobs is back? OK. That's a bad read by Eli. Right into coverage? Sheesh. That's a little better. Just give it to Jacobs or something. Like that. OOPS. "Cankles"? Who says "cankles" in a football game? That's not gonna help the ankle, Plax. And there's a bad read by Pennington. (Giants 35, Jets 24)

The Lions in Washington? Yeah, whatever. (Redskins 34, Lions 3)

Seriously, Trent, a blow to the head is why you ended up in this hellhole in the first place. WTF why would you do that? That's Ryan Leaf stupid right there. And did anyone catch the interview with the guy he hit afterwards? Just an insane scene. When did Kris Brown stop sucking, by the way? (Texans 22, Dolphins 19)

Steelers-Seahawks: Just as bad the second time around. (Steelers 21, Seahawks 0)

You know, none of us could actually be plugged into the Colts' offense and rush for 121 and two touchdowns, but it's cool to think it's possible. Yahoo doesn't even have a headshot of the guy. There's just a Colts logo there. Man, that's cold. (Colts 33, Buccaneers 14)

Has Simms called Cutler "Plummer" about three times already? Nice to see Norv learning from his mistakes, if only for the moment. Rivers' running form? Not so good. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Clearly they didn't hear me the first time. Now Michael Turner's lighting it up. Hey, we've found something Norv can do better than Marty: win in Denver. (Chargers 41, Broncos 3)

I'm not sure if the Packers will regret those fumbles or not. At worst, it keeps this from being a blowout. What exactly was that, Brett? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Griese's actually doing a pretty good job of that. Let's put the shovels away for another week, at least. (Bears 27, Packers 20)

Possible trap game? Maybe. Ah, the O.J.-era uniforms. Maybe not the best choice. It doesn't look like it's gonna be Romo's night. The Cowboys are basically walking up to the line and telling Edwards, "You're going to have to beat us." Of course, Romo's giving him plenty of help. Can anybody on either side hold on to a pass tonight? Four picks? This is precedent for a quarterback switch, right? And there's a kickoff return for a touchdown. Man, this place is loud. Do the Bills have enough to hold on here? Never mind. Two-point conversion DENIED!! Maybe I was wrong. Not the onside kick. Come on, hold one time. They're reviewing it... and he did not catch that. That actually helps Dallas, though, in a sick turn of events. 52 yards? For a rookie? On the road? Wow. And Jauron PULLS THE SHANAHAN FREEZEOUT! (That's what I'm calling it from now on.) Let's see what Folk has in him this time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Jaws is right - that rule's so getting changed. Man, the Bills run so bad. Neither team deserved what happened to them tonight. And we would've had to reopen voting for "Upset of the Decade" if this had held. (Cowboys 25, Bills 24)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa:CI (4-1, L1): Well, our luck couldn't last forever. Leinart got hurt and we lost to previously winless Max by 5 despite two of his guys not even playing.

JackSux 4 (2-3, L1): Got beat by Dupin even with Romo's turnover-fest potentially working in my favor. The Crayton touchdown was the nail in the coffin.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (5-0) - Crushed the Browns' dreams early
2. Indianapolis (5-0) - Time to heal
3. Dallas (5-0) - Better to be lucky than good?

BOTTOM 3:
30. New Orleans (0-4) - Looks like the bad old days all over again
31. St. Louis (0-5) - See last week
32. Miami (0-5) - Time for the John Beck era

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth (And The Rosin In Our Bag), Week 4: Queens Is Burning

Seriously, you can stick 1964 up your ass. Also, it doesn't get much better than hearing Harry Kalas lead the crowd in a rendition of "High Hopes." (Phillies 6, Nationals 1; Marlins 8, Mets 1)

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, STL @ DAL, NYJ @ BUF, OAK @ MIA, GB @ MIN (end) , PIT @ ARZ

And frankly, it's not like I was missing a whole hell of a lot otherwise. Rams-Cowboys? I saw the Crayton touchdown and that was it. I imagine the rest of the game went approximately the same way. (Cowboys 35, Rams 7)

Edwards really has better numbers in three games than Losman's had all year? That's not good news for anyone. This game took about two hours, and I think 30 seconds disappeared from the clock at the end. (Bills 17, Jets 14)

Deanna's seats are surprisingly good. (In the stadium. Where she was sitting. Pervs.) Ouch. You own him in this building for years and he comes in and breaks the record? That's gotta hurt. The Jones touchdown looked an awful lot like the Crayton touchdown. Did Favre not see where the ball went on the fumble with two minutes left? 'Cause I thought he had a shot at it if he realized where it was. Of course, it's only Kelly Holcomb. (Packers 23, Vikings 16)

Did This Actually Happen?: Browns 27, Ravens 13

Calvin Pace is still on the Cardinals? Are you kidding me? One thing about the Cardinals in Arizona is that they've always been good hosts. This crowd is seriously half Steelers fans. There was a Whisenhunt-Roethlisberger rift too? This team won a Super Bowl? This alternating quarterbacks thing? Not a fan. Whoa! Are the Cardinals actually going to win this game? I'm having trouble remembering the third guy who was at Michigan and wore No. 1 when Breaston and Avant were both there. It wasn't David Terrell, I don't think. This one could come back to bite the Steelers. (Cardinals 21, Steelers 14)

This Week it Sucks To Be: 1. Norv Turner; 2. Winston Justice; 3. Brian Griese; 4. Isaac Bruce (Two things can happen when you make guarantees: You either win, or you get straight up rolled); 5. J.P. Losman (You don't think he hears footsteps?)

MAR-TY! MAR-TY! MAR-TY! MAR-TY! If this doesn't prove coaching matters, nothing will. How about giving LDT the ball? Huh? How about it? Cross your mind at any point? On the flip side, Bowe's already the best wideout the Chiefs have had in about 15 years. (Chiefs 30, Chargers 16)

Without fail, whenever the Broncos play the Colts, they get shredded. To their credit, it just took longer for the Colts to get around to it this time. (Colts 38, Broncos 20)

I'm not optimistic. This is a game the Eagles always lose. And now Westbrook's not playing? Great. I'm looking at Umenyiora lining up all over the place and listening to Madden talk about how Kiwanuka's struggled to convert to linebacker and I can only conclude that the Giants should be running a 3-4 defense with Kiwanuka and Tuck as edge-rushing OLBs. The other problem the Eagles are having with helping Justice is that they don't really have a blocking tight end on their roster - Schobel and Celek are more pass-catchers, and Celek's struggling with false starts as much as Justice is. Still, the kid's getting run through so often he should be collecting tolls. I've never been a huge Buckhalter fan, but he's been good tonight. I didn't realize Akers has been so bad here, either. Then he makes a 53-yarder. Touchdown! Oh, whatever. See? Typical pre-bye-week game for the Birds. Everything goes wrong, and usually spectacularly. Good thing the Phillies are in the playoffs. Seriously. It's Bizarro World out here right now. (Giants 16, Eagles 3)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL Criminal Intent (4-0, W4): A week of close calls all around. I beat Tank's Armory by 4.3 points, which probably doesn't happen if Marvin Harrison doesn't go down and Bob has more than one running back for this week.

JackSux IV (2-2, W1): And I had to rally Monday night to beat Butch, and I still would have lost had he known Boldin was out and swapped in Muhsin Muhammad. (I can overlook the Westbrook thing because that was announced about 45 minutes before game time.) But he has his reasons. Also I'm not sure how I was able to come back with the Bengals only scoring 13 points, but I won't not take it.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (4-0) - Pats' offense looks like the Colts'
2. Indianapolis (4-0) - Champs chugging along
3. Dallas (4-0) - More complete team than the Packers at this point

BOTTOM 3:
30. New Orleans (0-3) - How does this offense only have 38 points?
31. St. Louis (0-4) - No Pace, no Jackson, and they can't stop anyone
32. Miami (0-4) - See, if you hadn't rushed Culpepper back in the first place...

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