USPC Final Table

Here's how we got to this point.

Event: U.S. Poker Championship
Site: Trump Taj Mahal, Atlantic City
Dates: Sept. 20-Oct. 8, 2004
Field: 187
Winner's Purse: $691,095.90 (What? They can't get to an even 700? Trump couldn't kick in an extra nine G's?)
Top 18 places cashed
Airdate: Uh... soon?

When I did get back, there were seven players left. When you're sitting there watching for that long, you almost inadvertantly start noticing things. It may not get shown enough that it's noticeable, but I'm fairly certain I was able to pick up a tell on one of the finalists.

As players were eliminated, they'd go off into this little corner tucked away behind the curtain for a post-elimination interview. Also, the TV crew would step in and stop the game for a moment to shift people around the table, I guess so the table would look more symmetrical and balanced on camera.

The heads-up battle went about two and a half hours. When you're sitting in the audience, you can see a timer on a monitor behind the players (facing the back, so the tournament MC can see it) counting down how much time is left in each round before the blinds go up. It's every 90 minutes, for the record.

They don't bring the cash out and put it on the table for the final two like they do at the WSOP. Very disappointing. They do have the big check at the end, like at bowling tournaments.

My memory's fuzzy at this point, but the show should end with the last three hands consecutively. (The next-to-last hand is something to see, as I'm convinced both men made their hands. Who knew a 4 could cause so much agita.)

The Top 15 Of 2004

2004 was a... strange year music-wise. The lines that defined genres continued to blur even as people tired even harder to compartmentalize music. "Welcome Back Kotter" got used in a hook. Korn covered "Word Up." (Yes, THAT Korn. And yes, THAT "Word Up".) Through it all, here's 15 songs that stood out.

15. U2 - "Vertigo"
What comes after catorce? The NEW iPod anthem, that's what.

14. Kanye West - "Jesus Walks"
The title makes you think "The radio's not gonna play this." The content makes you think "There's NO WAY the radio's gonna play this." Kanye may be an insufferable egomaniac, but give him credit; he called radio out and pulled it off.

13. The Hives - "Walk Idiot Walk"
Any placement irony is purely unintentional.

12. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Fortune Faded"
"Now put away your welcome / soon you'll find you've overstayed it" You guys? Nah. We like it when you come around.

11. Franz Ferdinand - "Take Me Out"
Musically, the latest British darlings of the hipster set like to keep it simple. But it doesn't always work out when your fans decide you're so hip you can't get into your own after party.

10. Slum Village (f. Kanye West) - "Selfish"
It's like "To All The Girls I've Loved Before" except not.

9. Belle & Sebastian - "Step Into My Office, Baby"
It's sexual harrassment in the workplace hilariously turned on its head. Gotta love it.

8. Incubus - "Talk Show On Mute"
A slow, mellow critique of the juggernaut that is the new celebrity culture. Dovetails quite nicely with...

7. Kanye West - "All Falls Down"
Yeah, it's him again, this time with an impassioned commentary on a society drowning in materialism.

6. Snoop Dogg & Pharrell - "Drop It Like It's Hot"
The Dogg returns to his minimalist roots.

5. Citizen Cope - "Bullet And A Target"
Big picture, little picture. Big picture, little picture. Big picture...

4. Lostprophets - "Make A Move"
The kind of song that makes you want to run through a wall. But in a good way.

3. Kanye West - "Through The Wire"
And that wire's quite literal. Kanye's fourth appearance on the countdown is with a song inspired by and recorded during his recovery from a car accident that busted up his jaw and nearly killed him.

2. Black Eyed Peas - "Let's Get Retarded"
Ritardando is a musical term meaning "to slow down". Fergie told me that. At least I think that's what she said; I was too busy bobbing my head at the time.

1. Jay-Z, "99 Problems"
Now this is how you go out on top. You hook up with the producer who started the rap-rock fusion craze and you tell everyone else fighting for your scraps that they'll have to kill you to knock you off. The entire second verse is a thing of beauty, and the hook is Jay taking yet another shot at Nas. "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one." You got that right, Jay. So it's the Song Of The Year.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Champions On Ice Edition

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at an iced-over lock. Two things you need to know going into this:

- The Heat-Sixers game got moved to Monday night so it wouldn't interfere (and the Heat had another game at home switched back to Sunday);
- There were people tailgating in the parking lots at 8 a.m.

This is what you're up against, Vick. Tread carefully.

They lost the toss? That could be important later. Again, we're seeing the difference Trotter's made this year. He said "Run defense is all about attitude" and he's thrilled to be in this position. The fake field goal? Yeah, I'm against it. Did that punt even go 10 yards? Those have gotta be Giants Stadium-type winds out there. Lookit Levens fighting his way through the pile. TOUCHDOWN! I thought I heard a whistle blow but whatever. That's huge for the psyche.

That's the second week in a row they've hit that long go route to Greg Lewis, who might be the fastest guy on the team. I don't know what replay Collinsworth was looking at - you could see Chad Lewis's right foot kick up some dirt as he dragged it on the ground. Remember: conclusive evidence to overturn, and I don't think there was any. The Eagles can just key on the backs because the Falcons' wide receivers don't scare a bad defense, much less this group (which only allowed the second-fewest points in the league this season.) Now they're making Vick run around in circles instead of forward, giving guys (on both sides) time to see it and come back to him. DAMN! Dawkins folded Crumpler up with that! When Dunn scored untouched you could hear a collective "Oh, no" emanate from the crowd. And that play almost seemed like a quick call that the Eagles weren't at all ready for. They looked like they were just standing there.

Everyone's still nervous. The Eagles probably need to score on this drive. Using Westbrook more than they did in the first half will probably help. You know, I would have preferred a touchdown. Even though Akers is as good as Vinatieri and probably has a stronger leg. Oh, that's huge. That may be the game right there. I'm not sure Vick saw Dawkins - in the end zone view, Crumpler was between them when he threw the ball. You know who's having a big game is Derrick Burgess. That Morton kid is getting used and abused. They're just teeing off now. The fans, I mean. I've been saying for three years that Vick needs better receivers. Did the Eagles actually outrush the Falcons? This is the greatest day ever.

Now, who are we gonna catch the beatdown from?

Did we ever find out who the last home dog in a conference championship game was? I'd been thinking all week that this Steelers team is basically the same as the Patriots team that came in here three years ago and beat them, but with a better running game, and that everything that went in the Patriots' favor last week was working against them this week. Oh, that's NOT what Ben needed. That's a bad omen right there. And they scored. Aw, geez. So the Steelers' corners haven't gotten any better in three years? Is that it? I'd forgotten that Branch missed the first game, too, and he's probably their best overall WR in terms of speed and hands. This could get very ugly very quickly. And Harrison just made sure it did. Oh wow. This game might already be over.

Boy, did the Steelers need that touchdown from the Bus. Give them this up to this point: they haven't given up, and they've actually kept Dillon in check. Well, until that. These guys always have an answer. It's uncanny. Nice play by Hines on the touchdown, but I can't say with any certainty that they still have a shot. At the time, I was OK with Cowher kicking the field goal to start the fourth, reason being that you want to at least get something at that point, but given time to reflect, they should have tried to punch it in. Just as well in retrospect. Weep not for Ben, for he will learn from this.

The Long-Lost Weekend (The Long Version)

So by Friday, we were ready for the Apocalypse. Storm Of The Century Of The Week and all that. As always, it started while we were inside, and the thing about our office is that you can't really see out of the windows. We're in the middle of the building on top of that, so we don't even have any windows. It's probably why we're all completely insane.

When it started snowing, it came down fast, almost in sheets at times. It was up to two or three inches an hour in some cases. I had the NBA page, so I couldn't cut out early or anything, and I ended up staying until the end of the night, during which the snow changed over to rain, slowed down, changed back to snow, and eventually stopped. The local Fox station's weather map had no temperature reading from Allentown, promptimg me to start making "We've lost contact! Come in, Allentown! Come in!" jokes.

When I finally finished up and got to leave, I went out into the freezing cold (but surprisingly clear) parking lot and put the key in the car.

It hiccuped, but that was it.

Tried again - another hiccup.

Uh-oh.

And the situation suddenly takes a turn from "not good" to "decidedly bad."

This went on for a good 10 minutes or so before I gave up and went for help. Mark knew something was wrong as soon as he saw me walk back into the building. We went back out to the parking lot, and Dave used my cables to try to give me a jump from his car, but it didn't take for whatever reason. In no mood at this point to wait however many hours it might take for AAA to show up, I took Mark's offer of a ride home.

Saturday

I get out of the shower and my parents call to see how I am and what's going on down here. After explaining what's happened so far (which I led into by asking if the battery in the car was the original one - it was), Dad figures that it's D-E-A-D DEAD and that I need a new one, and I'll have to call AAA and get one. It's also snowing again.

Villanova smacked the uckfay out of Kansas.

Work passed without incident. Wait, that's not true - as often happens during weather like this, we lost the wire service for a while because snow accumulates on the satellite dish on the roof and interfered with the signal. So we had to call Facilities and have someone go up on the roof and clean the dish. There's almost nothing going on locally because of the weather.

I decided to wait overnight again and call AAA in the morning for a jump, then just go and get a new battery if I have time. I spent the night at the Holiday Inn Express, which didn't have ESPN2 OR Food Network, so I couldn't watch the Serena match or Iron Chef. Daniels/Styles on TNA Impact was decent, and I now know what the AJ Death Drop is.

Keep in mind at this point that my car's still in the parking lot.

Sunday

So I overplayed my hand with the in-room heater overnight and wake up sweating like a hog. After a shower and the complimentary continental breakfast (cereal in too-small bowls, juice in too-small cups), I call AAA at about 11:30 (This weekend has been an excellent reminder that I need to renew my membership) and tell them I need a jump start. I made the 15-minute walk back to the office and turned on the Sharapova match because I'm burned out on football pre-analysis at this point and just want the games to start.

Around 12:30 the phone rang at my desk. It's AAA - the truck's here. I get the jump, and this time it takes. Half an hour later, I'm finally out of there. Know now that I have to go back in four hours. I made my way to Pep Boys and found out that it'd be a three and a half hour wait for a battery installation, so so much for that. I went home, carved out a parking spot, and immediately came back outside with a shovel to clear a path back out of said parking spot. Yeah, I don't know, either.

Because I'm paranoid by nature anyway, I was running outside every two hours or so to start the car and make sure I wouldn't get trapped somewhere else. I returned to work and announced that if the Eagles lost again, I would not be held responsible for my actions. Thankfully, you won't be seeing me on the cover of Newsweek in the bad way any time soon.

TUESDAY: Championship Sunday recap
WEDNESDAY: The Top 15 Of 2004
THURSDAY: I finally finish that on-site from the U.S. Poker Championship (which should be airing any time now - at least it was supposed to)

The Short Version

- the weather station in Allentown apparently being knocked out Friday night;

- my car battery dying in the office parking lot;

- the jump start not taking;

- getting three different pieces of advice on what to do when I call AAA;

- Saturday night at the hotel without Food Network;

- having to dig out of a parking space at the apartment that I just pulled into, which is so wrong it will require its own PowerPoint presentation

I'll elaborate later. Suffice to say if the Eagles lose again today, I won't be held responsible for my actions.

Two Quick Things

- I can't confirm this, but I'm almost positive "Tilt" stole the "Playmakers" theme music.

- They actually sell the oil/vinegar/spices mixture (billed as salt, pepper, and "other spices") as "Hoagie Seasoning" now. I think convenience has gone too far.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Division Edition: Double Your Digits, Double Your Fun

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at The Big Ketchup Dispenser. What's that about Ben's thumb? Comedy is hearing Dick Enberg say "geeked up". It was on the punt return where the official blew out his hammy or whatever happened to him, right? Dude just tripped and fell. Is it my imagination or has Ben been awful so far? The playoffs are a whole different beast. And Ben's day just got worse. What WAS that? Despite all this, the Jets still need another score and they're not getting it. This is the Steelers' M.O. - chewing up yards and time on the ground. Tie game! Oooh, big catch by McCareins there. I don't know about this, folks. HE HIT THE CROSSBAR! HE HIT THE CROSSBAR! We weren't sure what it hit at first; the crossbar or the post.

Now... holy crap, what was THAT? That was terrible. They're gonna get another shot. Now THERE'S a stat - that "longest opposing field goal in Heinz Field history." Who dug that up? And with that in mind, why aren't you trying to get closer? He missed AGAIN? Are you shitting me? (Well, no... he's really not that good.) That's "Nick Anderson at the end of Game 1 of the '95 Finals" bad. Did anyone catch Pennington looking at the coin before the OT flip? Some study said that 71% of coin flips land on the side that was up before the coin was tossed. I think Reed's got a little more ice water in his veins than Kaeding did. And with that, Doug Brien's thoroughly mediocre career should come to an end.

Line Of The Weekend: "I'm not going to say it was a miracle, because that's crippled people getting up and walking, the blind seeing. But that's the closest thing to it I've ever seen." - Larry Foote, Steelers linebacker

Moose is absolutely right - that's the last thing the Rams wanted to see to start the game. Vick's even fast in slow motion. What, another Kevin Curtis sighting? Nobody realizes that Dunn rushed for over 1100 yards this season. You can't ignore him like that. Did anyone even touch him on the second touchdown? How exactly do you leave Holt wide open like that? That's an odd formation to set up in for a punt. Ah, so that's why "special teams" were being mentioned so often in pre-game. You get the feeling it's over? OMG A PEERLESS PRICE SIGHTING. Now it's definitely over.

I don't know, folks; they don't look rusty to me. Of course, it helps that the Vikings' corners are playing off these guys like they're Duper and Clayton or something. Holy crap! Mitchell actually did something! You can sort of tell already that Moss isn't going to be effective - if he has to stop to catch the ball, he's not getting started again. How Mitchell caught that and the three Vikings in front of him didn't I'll never know. That's just confirmation that yeah, it's gonna be your day. One description of the FUBAR fake field goal: "This turned into a Chinese fire drill." And they should've just kicked the damn thing in the first place. That was basically the equivalent of Culpepper fumbling at the 1 in the first game. That second interception to Trotter was Evil Favre-esque, it was so bad. This, of course, was the easy part.

What the HELL? Is this LIVE? That wasn't in the forecast! The Colts desperately need to score first to have a chance, and that's not gonna happen when you're dropping passes like that, which these guys don't do. You know this is the first good team Dillon's played on in about 10 years? What's saving the Colts right now is that the Pats aren't getting touchdowns, either. What's hurting them is that Peyton isn't getting any help from anyone. Then the Patriots just played keep-away and didn't let the Colts' offense back onto the field. They only had the ball for 37 minutes? It seemed like a lot longer.

You get the feeling that if Peyton wasn't a peace-loving man, he'd be in a clock tower right about now? You sort of have to feel for him at this point (unless you're a Pats fan, of course) because you know he'd give the record back if he could beat these guys just once. The Pats did it to him again. But the Pats do this to a lot of people.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, The Wild Card Edition: Three More For The Road

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at The House That Microsoft Built, Albeit Indirectly. As I said before, I wouldn't have bet this game if you put my family in front of a firing squad. And the Rams score first, which is exactly what the Seahawks didn't need. Nobody's broken a big run yet, which is mildly surprising. Seahawks need a touchdown here - they can't go into the locker room with only two field goals. Got it! Who hooked up the time machine to the Rams' offense? And just like the first two meetings, it's not Holt and Bruce that are making the big plays... it's these other guys. OK, Hasselbeck, you've ben here before, sort of. Are they gonna pull this off? Not if you CAN'T HOLD ON TO THE BALL. You've gotta catch that. And Hasselbeck had to throw it - he wouldn't have made it if he'd tried to run it in. Jerry Rice has had the best hands on his teams for a long time. But now I'm pretty sure that's a BAD thing. Holmgren looked like he was about to cry.

"And our crew hasn't been here in so long we almost couldn't find the place." Pennington's arm looks fine to me; how abou the rest of you? Is somebody gonna score in this game? Get off the field, Marty; he was acting. I didn't think McCardell got the second foot down initially, either - black-on-blue makes it hard to tell at speed. CLANK! Oh, that went in? Crazy. You know who's not impressing me? The Chargers' secondary. Holy crap! It's Buddy and Gilbride all over again! Yeah, Herm, you gotta punt this away - Doug Brien isn't very good. Didn't this happen in the first game? One more chance for the Bolts - INcomplete? Wait, what? Roughing The Passer? Look at it this way, Barton: there are worse places to be left abandoned and jobless than San Diego. If you were still with the Raiders, they'd have you killed.
Aaaaand we're going to overtime. This could go on forever. Or not... or maybe it still will. Like I said earlier, kid, there are worse places to be left abandoned and jobless than San Diego.

I think I know how this is gonna turn out. Just a feeling. Oh, so they're not throwing to Marvin at ALL. All right, not a problem. "All right, Dallas, we're gonna run 'We Both Fall Down.' OK?" "OK." Isn't this how last year's game started? It's one thing if Peyton's throwing TD passes left and right. But for him to score on a sneak... that's just disheartening. Man, the Broncos are getting flat-out embarrassed out here. I know I'm late on this, but did Plummer see Johnny Damon and think, "You know, it's worth a shot"? The lesson here: Never question your opponents' manhood before a playoff game. And Harrison pancaking Champ had to be the worst possible insult.

And starting things off in this sure-to-be orgy of points:... Moe Williams? And minutes later Moss (who just doesn't fucking get it) gets into the act. It's still extremely early, though, and these may be the two worst defenses in playoff history. WHOOP! I wish I'd seen Morten slip on that field goal attempt. Bounce, bounce. Uh-oh, it's Bad Favre. This could be hazardous. His brain freeze flip to Franks had everyone on the field and the announcers cracking up and may be the comedy moment of 2005. Wow, the Packers' secondary is absolutely atrocious.
Poor Marcus Robinson. First Marty Booker, and now Nate Burleson have stolen his career. What do you mean, you can't cover a one-legged Moss (who just doesn't fucking get it)? And what the hell was THAT? Still, this is what happens when you give a rat's ass for once. Can anyone show me a shred of evidence that the Vikings would win this game? And I think Brett's coming back only because I don't think he wants his last game to be as bad as this one was.

I Have GOT To Get Out Of This Business, Part III

Education Department Paid Commentator to Promote Law

By Greg Toppo, USA TODAY

Seeking to build support among black families for its education reform law, the Bush administration paid a prominent black pundit $240,000 to promote the law on his nationally syndicated television show and to urge other black journalists to do the same.

The campaign, part of an effort to promote No Child Left Behind (NCLB), required commentator Armstrong Williams "to regularly comment on NCLB during the course of his broadcasts," and to interview Education Secretary Rod Paige for TV and radio spots that aired during the show in 2004.

Williams said Thursday he understands that critics could find the arrangement unethical, but "I wanted to do it because it's something I believe in."

The top Democrat on the House Education Committee, Rep. George Miller of California, called the contract "a very questionable use of taxpayers' money" that is "probably illegal." He said he will ask his Republican counterpart to join him in requesting an investigation.

The contract, detailed in documents obtained by USA TODAY through a Freedom of Information Act request, also shows that the Education Department, through the Ketchum public relations firm, arranged with Williams to use contacts with America's Black Forum, a group of black broadcast journalists, "to encourage the producers to periodically address" NCLB. He persuaded radio and TV personality Steve Harvey to invite Paige onto his show twice. Harvey's manager, Rushion McDonald, confirmed the appearances.

...

"I respect Mr. Williams' statement that this is something he believes in," said Bob Steele, a media ethics expert at The Poynter Institute for Media Studies. "But I would suggest that his commitment to that belief is best exercised through his excellent professional work rather than through contractual obligations with outsiders who are, quite clearly, trying to influence content."

----------------------------

Yeah, and people wonder why nobody trusts the news media anymore.

How come nobody wants to buy my opinion on something? (Answer: Because no sane man would pay for it.)

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: States of Emergency

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at a fine video tribute to arguably the greatest Eagle ever. (He and Bednarik are 1-2 depending on how old-school you may be.) And now it gets ugly. Eagles fans tended to understand why they did this, but they just wished the backups, well, played better.

The worst outdoor team in the league goes outdoors against a very good defense needing to win? This won't go well. Or WILL IT? Tip drill~~~~ And you know your defense is crap when the Redskins break the 18-point barrier on you. Excuse me, Mr. Moss? I'm sorry, where in the blue hell do you think you're going? Shouldn't you be out there trying to RECOVER THE ONSIDE KICK? If I ran that outfit, he'd never play for me again.

This Saints run just saved everybody's jobs and that's not right. Memo to Aaron Brooks: You're still not better than Jake.

Let me tell you something about this Willie Parker: He's the FOURTH running back. The FOURTH. You gotta make a field goal that short. Aaaaand it's a FUMBLE! OK, you've gotta beat the B- and C-teamers; I don't care who they are.

I can only assume that the Bills game was already over by the time CBS switched us to Jets/Rams, since nobody was really talking about the Jets needing to win at that point. Oh, that's why I can't see anything. The cable back here's frayed. What? Oh, right, the game. Apparently Herm made another curious timing decision or something. You're trusting Doug Brien outside of 42 yards? This is Doomed To Failure. Told ya! Here come the Rams again... it's good. So they're in.

Didn't we do this last year with these same two teams? And didn't it start this way the first time back then, too? And isn't it going to end the same way as back then, too?

What an anticlimactic ending this is. Eli's been making strides, but he hasn't won. I'm totally not sorry to see Key snap his ankle like that. This Julius Jones? He's good. Is this the Seattle game again? C'mon Eli. And Tiki's going after like 12 team records or something. A draw play? Touchdown! Now THAT'S cojones.

RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - 15-1? Whoda thunk it?
2. New England - *cracks neck*
3. (tie) Indianapolis - Wait 'till next week
(tie) Philadelphia - Stumbling on a down note

BOTTOM 3:
30. Miami - "St. Nick", indeed
31. San Francisco - Should probably trade the pick
32. Cleveland - Starting from scratch... again

Video Game Sounds

Obviously you'll need to turn the sound on/up

I got 11 of 18. The Frogger one's still pissing me off. I must be remembering it differently, because I'm positive that's not it.