Saturday, October 18, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Upping Your Ends

Nice catch, Hilton. Look up! That one hit the Texan in the head. Onside kick! The Texans just STOOD there. I mean, the Colts have done that three times already this year, as Nantz said. Don't you have to be thinking of that? Hilton wasn't touched! Or was he? That looked like two straight brain freezes by the Texans but we'll see.


I guess there was contact. And of course Richardson pretty much walks in on the next play. That's the easiest touchdown he's ever scored in the NFL. Watt ran down Luck but he may have simply postponed the inevitable.


Easy touchdown to Bradshaw and we've seen this movie before, haven't we? I'd say something about the Texans but they've done absolutely nothing. They got that time out? And Fleener's wide open in the end zone. This thing's over.



Arian Foster!  Again! Just give that guy the ball all the time, Texans. Fitzpatrick's beard is trying to escape his helmet. That can't be safe. How was that not intercepted? Points for the Texans. Tipped interception? This Tuggle related to Jessie at all? Nah, they would have mentioned it. The offensive line's opening holes for Foster and he's finding them. Could this turn into a game? Bradshaw ran through about four Texans on that 3rd down pass. Simms preaching aggression is laughable. Ironically, since he said that, things have slowed considerably. Did Bradshaw ever catch this many passes with the Giants? HOLD THE PROVERBIAL PHONE. I mean, if nothing else, the Texans have been able to run the ball tonight. This is a good response by the Colts. Oh, here's something else: the Texans refuse to cover Hilton. Why are they going for two here?




Oh, that won't help matters. Luck has hit on something these last few weeks. Meanwhile, Hilton's out here setting records or something. What happened there? Well, we've seen the commercials, and that proves it: the only thing J.J. Watt can't do is dance.




He wasn't touched, either. That's... not pass interference. BOB is livid. Calm down, man, it happens to everybody. Now nobody on the Colts is catching anything. Wayne caught that? OK there's the challenge flag. That one's gonna be close. Incomplete. Not a good series for Andre Johnson. Offensive PI and now this. I disagree with Carey here — I think that's a catch. Refs got this one right.



That's a big knockdown by Watt at a crucial point. With not-good teams, this drive usually ends in an interception. Oh, Fitzpatrick fumbled? That works, too. Did DeAndre Hopkins not see the ball there? At least it wasn't a massacre. (Colts 33, Texans 28)

Signal Finder: PIT @ CLE, GB @ MIA, CAR @ CIN (end), DAL @ SEA, WSH @ AZ (end)

It's surprisingly loud at Sun Life. Must be all the transplants — I wouldn't want to stay in Wisconsin either. The Packers just flat beat Miami corners on the touchdown and the pass to Cobb before it. Nice return. I mean, you have to block Julius Peppers. Blocked punt! Why would you do anything with Mike Wallace other than send him deep? He can't do anything else. Good hold by the Packers defense, but I think I might have tried rolling Tannehill out at some point. Two near-misses there: Wake almost crushed Rodgers, who would have had a touchdown if Starks had caught that dump-off. Lamar Miller lost 40 yards on that run. Tannehill should have gone somewhere else with that one. This Landry kid has some wheels on him. Finnegan's in Miami? I thought that dude retired. And Tannehill throws another interception. That was an ever worse decision than the first one — Hartline wasn't close to open. The Packers punter almost got beat again. That's a touchback. This is the first good Dolphins drive of the game. Both Packers corners are out? Tannehill's looked much better this half. Wait, that went off his head? Miller! We're somehow tied. The Dolphins are finding gold along the sidelines. I'M MIKE WALLACE. (Haven't said that in a few years.) Feels like Starks is having a better game than Eddie Lacy today. Did Rodgers try to jump over that guy? What was that? Man, NOW what do you do? 4th and 6? Either way you're gonna have to hope you can get the ball back... I don't know. OK. So the Packers got the stop they needed. The Dolphins brought the house on that sack. How does Nelson get loose? He didn't step out of bounds, either. That timeout's gonna get scrutinized if the Dolphins end up losing. Rodgers is suddenly getting no protection. FAKE SPIKE!! Get out of bounds, kid! Good job. (He almost scored.) TOUCHDOWN! That ball was teleported. This super lateral play is getting interest— ah, that's that, I suppose. (Packers 27, Dolphins 24)















I mean, what I don't get about this is how the Buccaneers' defense has been this bad. (Ravens 48, Buccaneers 17)


Sounds like this last-minute switch to Steelers-Browns was a good thing. Bad snap on that field goal attempt? Oh, it slipped out of the holder's hand. How does no one cover Jordan Cameron? With Josh Gordon out selling cars or whatever, he's the Browns' best offensive player by a considerable margin. Cameron again! And this time he scored. That's good play design by... Kyle Shanahan? Man, the Browns have scored three straight touchdowns and are freight-training the Steelers right now. This is how their first game started, but going the other way. And I'm not all that certain that this one's going to end the same way that one did. No idea what the Steelers are planning here with eight seconds. Oh, that. Too many fakes on that one Browns pass but it worked anyway. This is stunning. I mean, we've seen the Browns pick the Steelers off in recent years, but not like this.




Did I miss a Browns turnover or something? The Steelers have had the ball for six minutes and are somehow back at midfield? Oh, they had the ball for 50 seconds. Hoyer was 8 for 17? Usually you're on the bad side of this score when that happens. Hell, usually you don't even get to double digits when that happens. (Browns 31, Steelers 10)



Think CBS regretted doing this? Think FOX regretted letting CBS do this? Especially with the baseball playoffs going on and not having Joe Buck or Kevin Burkhart (who's anchoring the FS1 studio show) already screwing up the announcer pairings. That's how we ended up with Mike Goldberg's disaster at Lions-Vikings and something else that we'll get to later. As for the game itself, clearly Tom Brady's still pissed off. (Patriots 37, Bills 22)


GIOOOOOOOO. If this game doesn't go to overtime the Bengals don't get Bernard back. That's a big sack and the Bengals are stuck with a field goal now. They're running Cam a lot. I know he's their best healthy runner at this point but still. Two missed passes and now it's a field goal to tie it again. It's good. Next score wins! But there's only three minutes left! HANG ON, EVERYBODY. This is gonna end in a tie, isn't it? Big catch! AND a penalty? Now the Bengals have time to take at least one shot. They're not going to? Well, this'll be it right here then. HE MISSED?!?!?!?!?



(Panthers 37, Bengals 37, OT)




Maybe next week. (Lions 17, Vikings 7)

That's one of Murray's two bugaboos — he struggles protecting the ball. How are the Cowboys not abysmal defensively? They were terrible last year, lost their three best players, and added no one of consequence. This has to come apart at some point, right? What has happened to punt protection in this league?





The Seahawks are uncharacteristically getting killed by this underneath stuff. Honestly, with Maxwell out, I wouldn't put Dez anywhere near Sherman for the rest of this game. I don't know what that flag was for, either.




The way the Cowboys have owned this quarter, anything less than a touchdown would have been an embarrassment. Now we got a scrum. This is the Seahawks' biggest problem right now; they can't get off the field on defense. The announcers keep bringing up the Chargers game and they should. Hey, a sack. BEAST MODE. Well, at least they got to midfield first. The other thing is the Seahawks haven't made any 3rd downs either. A muff? Seahawks ball! No. 52 is standing there waving the ball in the air and the refs are still digging through the pile. Wilson: "Screw this. I'll do it myself." Bad snap? What WAS that? Now we have another skirmish. And another fumble maybe? Seahawks ball! And ANOTHER donnybrook. That penalty on Okung killed this drive. The Seahawks defense is not having a good day. The Seahawks' offense needs to go down the field. LIKE THAT. And then they hit another one on third down! That'll get challenged — or not, as there was defensive holding anyway. And another drive fizzles out. The defense is going to have to win this one, I think, and I'm legitimately not sure they're up to the task. A Cowboys penalty wipes out a big gain? That's never happened before. God help us all if that Baldwin-Wilson exchange had been Dez and Romo. That's DEFINITELY getting challenged. Oh my God, Williams CAUGHT that. Where did he even come from? That was absurd. This whole game has defied description. And then it occurred to me: The Romo-era Cowboys have always played their best when expectations are at their lowest. (Cowboys 30, Seahawks 23)

Carson's back! And Redskins fans still prefer Cousins over Griffin. Yeah, you guys keep running with that.


They're running this package of Cousins' interceptions and they get progressively worse, culminating with that last one that went right to Johnson for the touchdown. It's time to end this nonsense.




Also, the Cardinals are in first place all by themselves. (Cardinals 30, Redskins 20)

That may have been McCoy's best run in three weeks. Andre Williams trucked somebody. Who was that? Eli took too long to do... something. You should never want to hear your own coaches say "Bad things happen when you hold the ball" about you. This looks like a bad challenge. Well that play fake didn't fool anyone. Some good runs by McCoy tonight.  ERTZ! That was pretty crazy itself.





 


This playlist baffles me. "All Of Me" as a bumper in an NFL game? How does that work?  MCR? Yellowcard? At least P!nk's from nearby. Anyway, I'm digressing. Trent Cole hasn't lost a whole lot. First and 19. That's uncommon. Delay of Game? Really? Coughlin's furious. Barwin's going nuts. Eli's getting beat up out here.




Even Bennie Logan's getting in on the act. Eli should not be trying to make moves. Another good run by McCoy, and a nice block by Maclin. James Casey?!? This may be turning into one of those games. Giants are doing dumb things now. Sproles ran into Donnell for some reason or he might have scored. Amazingly, that's a good job to pick up that flag — there was no face mask. Somehow JPP caught Foles just in time. The Giants can't do anything on first down. They got a piece of that punt, too? Big plays big. Should have eaten that one, Foles. Prediction: Nothing comes of this. And there's offensive holding. Fielding that punt was some youthful exuberance on Beckham's part. That sequence didn't go well. How did Donnell catch that? That ball got tipped twice. OFFENSIVE HOLDING. Giants should probably go for it here. Incomplete and Cruz is hurt. Cart's out. You can't like seeing this if you're a halfway decent human being. Meanwhile, McCoy appears to be back. This is what I get for benching him. Sproles struts into the end zone.




I mean, everything's gone wrong for the Giants tonight. That was odd. Get up, Sproles! We're out of running backs! That was weird — Beckham misplayed the punt and it just went off Huff's knee. Then he juggles and drops a pass. Welcome to the show, kid. Chip just picking runs at random now. This one's been over for a while. Trey Burton getting carries! If the Giants wanted to not get shut out, why bring Nassib in? I agree with Collinsworth — you try a field goal here, you're only trolling yourself.




Yeah, good job by you guys. (Eagles 27, Giants 0)


The '90's Rams unis! I'm all about that.




This is the 700th Monday Night Football, for the record.  I don't know if Austin Davis is any kind of long-term solution, but he's earned at least a chance to prove whether he is or not. It's kind of shameful that the Rams are just now getting around to playing their other rookies. Hey, that's P.A. Mase's kid. Wonder if the ESPN DJ will play some De La Soul if he does something tonight. Feels like the Rams have had eight plays down here. Touchdown, or something.




Welcome back, Vernon Davis. Wait, what? That ball just popped out. Animal Jr.! This game is full of unexpected legacy kids. Mason again. Turns out Austin reversing the reverse ended up being the right move. Touchdown Rams?!?!? Gruden's kicking himself, no pun intended. "Can you believe I cut Phil Dawson?" That's so far down the list that I'm not even going to reference it. These Rams receivers have been open. Where has this been the last five years? McDonald is Tim's son? There's another one. Oh boy. Brandon Lloyd just faked Janoris Jenkins out of his jockstrap. That was brutal coverage.




This may get overturned. These guys can't outrun Kaepernick. The 49ers are finally getting a bit of traction in the running game. Boldin! They keep showing Sam Bradford on the sideline with this look on his face like "Am I gonna have a job next year?" Willis is out, too? Now Ward is out? How many guys can the 49ers lose in one game? The Rams' pass coverage has really fallen off since the Lloyd touchdown. Like, Crabtree just worked that poor kid on that touchdown. I think it's safe to say this game has turned.




McDonald and Davis crashed into each other and cost the 49ers a touchdown. Are the Rams going to stonewall them here? They got the stop? A flag? Now what? After the play?

 


Seriously, look at Fisher's record. A LOT of 8-8's on that ledger. This synonyms discussion started off the rails and only got more disjointed. Is this the same drive? And they only got a field goal? Sad. Yeah, this ain't happening. See? (49ers 31, Rams 17)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. (tie) San Diego (5-1) — Survived the Black Hole
1. (tie) Dallas (5-1) — Officially need to be Dealt With
3. Denver (4-1) — Peyton being Peyton
4. Arizona (4-1) — Playing well despite missing key parts

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-5) — Seriously, what happened?
30. N.Y. Jets (1-5) — Rex's fate seems sealed
31. Jacksonville (0-6) — At least Bortles looks not terrible
32. Oakland (0-5) — That went well

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