Monday, October 28, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Eyes Aloft

2nd and 26? Good job, Jets. Also still not very good: the Patriots' offense. Dude on the Pats' defense just tried to give Breece Hall a gutbuster. It wasn't very good, and he got caught and flagged for unnecessary roughness. Touchdown LAZARD?

Um, Hall got in. What are we doing here? Call REVERSED. 14-0 Jets. Hall with three stiff-arms on one run. Rodgers just overthrows Garrett Wilson. Legatron shanks it left! That ball came out like a pancake. Brissett gets drilled on this Hail Mary attempt and it's 14-3 Jets at halftime. This isn't going to get any better, is it? Hey, a Drake Maye sighting. (Jets 24, Patriots 3)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NO, MIA @ SEA, BAL @ DAL

Malik Willis is lighting the Titans up. They did him no favors while he was there. Are they just bad? (Packers 30, Titans 14)

Feels like either a long day or a short one. Saints can't be stopped. Carter knocks down Carr's third down pass and the Saints kick the field goal, which takes a weird hook before going through.

Eagles do nothing. CJ comes up with this pass intended for Shaheed but it's ruled incomplete, ad he knocked it to the turf when he punched it out. Hurts to Goedert for 44! Hurts gets picked off by Honey Badger in the end zone! Olsen puts it on Smith for not running a better route.


Carter knocks down another pass. Hurts gets flushed out of the pocket and fumbles. This is a disaster. Becton and Lane Johnson go out for the Eagles on the same play? Not great! Pam reports that Lane's been sick and throwing up, and after the two-minute warning, we see Becton trying to work his left hand. Hurts takes off for 20. Now they're saying Lane's concussed. Meanwhile, Saints center Erik McCoy got hurt on their first drive and has been ruled out. They run a fake on the Shove on 4th and 1 and give it to Saquon, who goes left — but doesn't make it! Saints lead 3-0 at halftime. They go for it AGAIN and Hurts gets sacked. Sirianni and Moore haven't made a single right call in a crucial situation all day. Especially here, with two backup offensive lineman in, you have to kick the field goal here. I know you weren't expecting to end up in a rock fight, but you're in one, and you've got to act accordingly.

Quinyon Mitchell breaks up a pass he probably could have picked. Now Devonta's out with a concussion? That's what that cheap shot on him was.

SAQUON!~ 65 yards and the Eagles lead. They're really trying a 60-yarder here? Elliott kicks it right and it's not even close. Saints lose 15 after getting a first down due to unnecessary roughness. Now Slay's coming off. Touchdown Olave with nobody near him. Saints go for two and don't get it. 12-7 Saints with 2:09 left. It's over. GOEDERT?!? 60 yards down to the Saints' 5! Touchdown Barkley, and I'm not sure the Saints let them score there. Eagles line up to go for two and I'd just do that again. They do, and it works. 15-12 with 1:01 left. Interception by Blankenship! He's really good at those diving picks.

I don't see anything that'll overturn this. Call STANDS. What a completely undeserved win. But you take them any way you can get them.

Also, I just learned that's their first win in the Superdome in 17 YEARS. (Eagles 15, Saints 12)

What the hell, Texans? (Vikings 34, Texans 7)

Myers from 56? GOOD. Now Sanders will try from 57 but he pushes it left.


Geno with along ball to DK inside the 5. Touchdown Charbonnet. Myers misses from 53. Fourth and 39? Good job, Dolphins. Like, I said last week Tua shouldn't play again at least this season, but this season might be over if this keeps up. Now Skylar's down. Tim Boyle warming up. Skylar favoring his right arm and Boyle's in the game. Campbell knocks this pass from Geno into the air and Seiler comes up with it! The Dolphins get a break for once. Shot of Marino in a suite. Surprisingly, he is not on the phone with anyone, but there's a lot of game left. Charbonnet touchdown seals it. (Seahawks 24, Dolphins 3)

Cowboys win the toss and take the ball. They're out of sorts. Two false starts? Lamar scores on a keeper after a good drive. Aubrey hits from 65! Sicko behavior. Remember that 71-yarder he almost tried last week? Burkhardt says McCarthy wanted to do it but got talked out of it. Agholor jukes the rookie and gets 51 after the catch. Henry punches it on the second try. Cowboys put Parsons on top of the center on a blitz and he forces Lamar to throw short. This Dak play in the end zone is a lot: If it's intentional grounding, it's a safety, because Dak wasn't down, but the only Cowboy in the area was his left tackle. There also might be illegal touching, which is what they go with, giving the Cowboys a break. Cowboys cannot get a stop. Touchdown Bateman. They cut to Dak on the sideline and I thought he'd thrown a pick that led to this, but the Cowboys just couldn't stop the Ravens. Then a hold offsets the obvious pass interference in the end zone and the Cowboys have to settle for a 51-yard field goal.


Cowboys have nothing for Henry. And again. 26-yard touchdown and it's 28-6. Van Noy gets to Dak for the second time today. Dak follows up a bullet to Jake Ferguson by dropping the ball in the pocket. Brady's already done with the Cowboys. Tucker misses from 46 but I doubt it'll matter. Touchdown Tolbert. Cowboys go for two but don't get it. That is NOT roughing the passer. Touchdown Turpin and oh my God, are the Ravens about to do it AGAIN? Lamar keeps it and gets the first down! That's that. (Ravens 28, Cowboys 25)

Jauan Jennings has three touchdown against a Rams team that isn't very good. Atwell TOASTED Charvarius Ward. Touchdown Williams and we're somehow tied. That's a good punt. That's a BETTER return. Rams ball at midfield. So many flags, and the Rams take the one for pass interference that's 25 yards. Who's this guy? The guy that just won the game for the Rams, that's who. (Rams 27, 49ers 24)

Cool intro from Samuel L. Jackson talking about selling concessions for the first year of Falcons football while attending Morehouse College. I mean, the Eagles didn't leave Drake London THAT wide open last week. No Pacheco tonight for the Chiefs, as he's down with an ankle injury. Justin Simmons picks off Mahomes in the end zone! That's his sixth interception of Mahomes in his career. Mahomes pump fakes three times and finds Watson for a big first down. Touchdown Rice and we're tied. Cousins hits Pits down the sideline for 54! Bijan scores on the next play. They're not booing, they're saying "Koo." Bijan kicks a fumble out of bounds, which is definitely against the rules. Butker's third field goal puts the Chiefs in front. Touchdown Juju. Butker's PAT misses right, so it's 22-14.


Why are the flags at the top of the goal posts moving? It's a dome. The roof is open tonight. I stand corrected. Bates punches the ball out of Kelce's hands to force a punt. Snap goes high, Matt Ariaza (so this is where he ended up) manages to get the punt off, then Avery Williams fumbles it! But he's ruled down. Falcons driving. How does Cook NOT get called for DPI on Pitts? The Falcons pass on the field goal and Cousins and London can't connect again. Nick Bolton does what CJGJ did on Monday night. Difference is, now the game's over. (Chiefs 22, Falcons 17)

Allen hits rookie Keon Coleman in stride and it's 20-3 Bills. Damar Hamlin with the interception! Crowd goes NUTS. Lawrence overthrew Brian Thomas and there it was. Khalil Shakir makes a Jaguar miss and he takes off. He's tacked at the goal line and falls into the end zone. 27-3 Bills.


Touchdown Ty Johnson and it's 34-3 at halftime. Not that it matters, but the Jaguars had goal to go and ended up at the 18 on fourth and goal, and Von Miller murdered the right tackle.

It's gotten bad for the Jaguars. Trent Baalke may be the worst GM in the league. Press Taylor is a Chris Jericho-esque albatross. Doug may have been the worst coach in the league his last year in Philadelphia. Trevor Lawrence looks lost. Mac Jones fumbled. No, that actually just happened. (Bills 47, Jaguars 10)

Bomb to Chase and the Bengals are on the board first. Commanders strike back with a Brian Robinson touchdown. Tee Higgins back? Commanders back on the move. Wait, that's where Austin Ekeler ended up? He's got a touchdown and the Commanders have got the lead. MacPherson makes it 14-10. You know who's been good tonight is Jayden Daniels. And he just threw a bomb to McLaurin for 56! Then he keeps it and scores. BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN for reserve lineman Trent Scott.


Chase Brown with a tough run. Burrow just overthrows Higgins and he can't get both feet down. They go for it and Iosivas just gets over the line. You don't need to go for two just yet, Bengals. But they do and get it. 28-20. Daniels SLIDES! Stop the presses! Dude was notorious for having zero disregard for his own body in college. Field goal makes it 31-20. CHASE! These guys can't cover him one-on-one. Two-point try fails and it's 31-26 with 9:42 left as the Bengals beg for a flag they should have gotten. Zach Ertz as a Commander is just wrong. But him as the safety valve on 4th and 5? That's right. Touchdown McLaurin! He's set Taylor-Britt on fire tonight. Daniels got absolutely pasted on that throw, too. These defenses have been not good. That's interference. Bengals get a touchdown but the onside kick fails. They're 0-3 and they've got problems. No turnovers or punts? What? (Commanders 38, Bengals 33)

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Saturday, October 5, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Cutting Three Ways

Josh Allen's hand is all kinds of wrapped up. Al describes Tyreek's Sunday as "a weekend he'll never forget." Really? Interception! Pass went off the receiver's shoulder pads and right to a Bills defender. Herbstreit points out that the receiver's really new here. Bills go for it on fourth down and James Cook is wide open for an easy touchdown. Touchdown Achane. Bills get another pick as the receiver stops and Benford doesn't. That was a weird way to announce the important folks on this field goal. 10-7 Bills. Wait. 24-7? Cook just scored again but did I miss a touchdown? The Bills have won four of their last five against the Dolphins and it looks like this is headed for five out of six. This is... not the greatest clock management. At least they made the field goal at the end of all that. 24-10 Bills at halftime. Oh, Jesus. Pick-six and that's one's Tua's fault alone. 31-10 Bills.

Well shit. Is Skylar Thompson still the backup? And what was Tua thinking there, running directly into Hamlin like that? Man, the discourse postgame is more heavily slanted towards "he shouldn't play again" than it's ever been. I think he should sit for the rest of the season at minimum. And given how the Dolphins' offense falls off a cliff when he's out, well... this may turn out to be a franchise-altering night. (Bills 31, Dolphins 10)

Signal Finder: NO @ DAL, NYJ @ TEN, NYG @ WSH (end), LV @ BAL (end), CIN @ KC

Saints march down the field on the opening drive. Touchdown Kamara. That's concerning.


Dak missing deep late. That one that was intended for Lamb (and that the refs only called offensive holding on) was uncatchable. The ball wasn't even on screen during the replay. Aubrey hits from 52. The Saints immediately come back with a bomb to Shaheed for a 70-yard touchdown! 14-3.
Saints have to kick off from their 20 after a penalty on the PAT, which means they have to kick it to Turpin. Good return to near the 40. Good drive for the Cowboys ends with a sack on third and 10. Another kick makes it 14-6. Screen to Kamara and he's got blockers. He's gonna go! Touchdown Saints! This is not last year's Saints offense and the Cowboys are in the spin cycle. Two Saints get crossed up, Lamb slips through them and he's gone. All this motion is wrecking the Cowboys. Kamara down the sideline! Kamara gets to the edge and there's another touchdown. He's not as fast as he used to be, but he can still move it. Now Dak gets picked off! The receiver fell down and we've got a return here, too. Saints start at the Cowboys' 20. Olave with a leaping catch at the 1! Carr sneaks it in. It's 35-13. It seems like the Cowboys have a truly embarrassing home loss every other season. Kamara breaks a tackle, bounces it outside, and scores! That's his fourth touchdown! And now Zack Martin's being helped off the field. Carr gets picked off by Donovan Wilson and is there a chance here? Zack Martin back in. And the Cowboys give it right back! Honey Badger jumped right in front of that pass. Well, that's that.

(Saints 44, Cowboys 19)

Will Levis isn't good.



So here's what happened: Harlan's calling 49ers-Vikings and threw to the studio for a Game Break, and you can hear Nate Burleson saying "I can't hear you." So Harlan just called the highlight of Levis's touchdown to Calvin Ridley to tie the game, then went right back to his own game. Legend. Braelon Allen (who?) goes in untouched from 22 yards and the Jets lead with 4:43 left. The Jets... can't tackle Levis? Sack! Fourth and goal from the 16. Incomplete. Tyler Boyd's a Titan? I missed that. Kind of like he missed that catch. I'm sorry, that was mean. (Jets 24, Titans 17)

Daniel Jones threw a touchdown pass? To a fellow Giant? Stop the presses. We come to Giants-Commanders tied at 18 right after the two-minute warning. Malik Nabers is mad about something. Giants can't contain Robinson. Austin Siebert on for his seventh(!!!) field goal try today. It's GOOD! The Commanders scored 21 points and won with no touchdowns. This is an indictment, but I'm not sure of who. (Commanders 21, Giants 18)

The Raiders came back after a bad start and we're somehow tied with 2:39 left when CBS arrives. That's a terrible punt. And then a Ravens player went out of bounds on the kick, so it's five yards shorter. That may be the game. Ravens call their last time out with 1:57 left. Raiders go ahead with 27 seconds left. Likely can't bring it in on the far sideline. One second left. Lamar starts pitchy pitchy woo woo with a 35-yard run by himself, but there's an illegal forward pass in there somewhere. Catalon: "The game is over, and so are a lot of survivor pools in this country." (Raiders 26, Ravens 23)

Burrow finds Gesicki, who finds room after coming across the field and gets inside the 10. Chiefs hold and the Bengals settle for three. Chiefs making it look easy. Pacheco! Mahomes slips on fourth and 1 but still gets the ball to fullback Carson Steele, who gets the first down. This time the Bengals hold and the Chiefs can only tie it. Mahomes gets picked off to end the first quarter.


Touchdown Iosivas! Did he get that right foot down? He did. Mahomes dives for a first down. Rice beats Taylor-Britt down the sideline for an easy score. Refs miss defensive pass interference, then Steele fumbles on the next play and the Bengals recover. Chiefs accept this offensive holding penalty to make it 3rd and 14. Romo says it's risky. The Bengals get nine yards back and McPherson hits from 48. Butker from 68?? Yeah, I doubt they'll actually do this. Tracy says he hit from 66 in practice. Yeah, here comes the punt team. Kelce gets to the 1. Touchdown... Wanya Morris? From Boys II Men? Chiefs lead. Now the Bengals are driving. This feels like an important goal line stand. Bengals go for it from the 3, as they probably should against the Chiefs. Touchdown Iosivas AGAIN. PAT goes wide right, and that WILL matter later. Taylor-Britt wins round 2 with a leaping interception. Burrow fumbles? Touchdown Chiefs? Let's see. The camera from the far end zone seems to show that the balls out. Touchdown! Two-point try fails and it's 23-22 Chiefs. Chase is angry about something on the sideline. Nantz wonders if he thought his face mask was grabbed or if he thought he was getting hip drop tackled. And HE just got hit with a penalty. Two minutes left. Kelce gets the first down, but it's erased by a holding call. Fourth and 16. Incomplete... but there's a flag, and that's DPI.

Yeah. It's not even Hanlon's Razor because the call was correct. It's just that this keeps happening.

Butker from 51. It's GOOD! (Chiefs 26, Bengals 25)

This is the first Sunday Night Football game in Houston in five years. Roof is OPEN. The hook for this matchup is Williams vs. Stroud, and their moms do the intro. Santos DOINKS one off the crossbar camera but it still goes through to tie it 3-3. After the commercial Tirico says that the camera is mounted on the back of the crossbar so that if the ball does hit it, you know the kick is good. Texans go for it on fourth and 1, roll Stroud out, and he finds the tight end for a first down. Touchdown Collins. Bears blow a challenge on an obvious Diggs catch. Stroud with a ridiculous throw on the run to Collins. Diggs is ruled short of the first down, and I'm disappointed they're kicking the field goal here. It's 6 inches! Then the Bears go for it on about the same distance from their own 40. Are we sure Herbert got that? Tirico recalls the nutty last week of the 2022 season that started the ball rolling on all of this. Marcedes Lewis is STILL playing? Graphic shows he was taken five picks before DeMeco Ryans, WHO NOW COACHES THE TEXANS. Touchdown Herbert, the Bears' offense's first of the season. This Collins catch on the sideline... hmmm. Booth looks at it, and the call STANDS. Then the Texans false start and they may be out of field goal range. Fairbairn from 59. It's GOOD! I forgot he has a 61-spot on his belt. Chain gang guy is down? He backed up because a play was coming in and fell backwards and hit his head, Melissa says. Caleb throws a bad pick, but the Texans got caught holding. We got a situation on the Bears sideline after Caleb gets hit on it. He was more inbounds on this one that he was on an earlier one. Oh, the refs missed Al-Shaair throwing a punch. He absolutely should have been tossed.



Then Will Anderson sacks Caleb to end this drive. This is a McCarthy-esque challenge by Eberflus on this would-be interception. That ball hit the ground. Now Caleb throws a pick that'll stand. Fairbairn from 53 makes it 19-10. Lassiter gets Caleb AGAIN, and that might be it even with 12:55 left. He may have been trying to throw it away and just didn't throw it high enough. FUMBLE? Bears are adamant they have it. Bears recover at their own 3! That Caleb scramble is the longest play of the night. Late intentional grounding flag comes out. Kmet picks up the first down. Caleb misses D.J. Moore and the Bears have to try a 54-yarder. It's good.

Bears will get one more chance after all. Caleb under pressure AGAIN. Yeah, this isn't happening. (Texans 19, Bears 13)

A quarterback draw on third and 9? OK then. Bijan is spinny. Grant Calcaterra getting some run early. The Falcons can't tackle Saquon. Hurts had Goedert for a moment. They're going for it on 4th and 4? This is a bad decision. Incomplete. I thought Mitchell had that interception. Allgaier making moves. Bijan just drops the ball but he gets back on it. Cousins pulls his pass back for some reason and gets one yard on third down. Field goal is good. Everyone remains 0 for third down. Hurts takes it himself and converts fourth and 3. Really? We're calling delay of game for that? The Eagles haven't done a great job protecting Hurts, but he escapes again and gets 15 on third and 11. Touchdown Smith!


Refs pick up a holding call on the Falcons. Graham sacks Cousins, but the refs call illegal contact on Dean. No one has covered McCloud in two weeks. He gets flagged for grabbing CJ's face mask after CJ ripped his mouthpiece out.

Falcons running over the Eagles now. But they get a stop on first down, and two Cousins incompletions follow. Field goal is good.

Boathouse Row in green tonight. 7-6 Eagles at halftime. Falcons come out running again to start the third quarter. Milton Williams with a sack on third and goal. Field goal puts the Falcons up 9-7. Jason Kelce joins Buck and Aikman in the booth. Buck announcer jinxes Hurts into a sack. He recovers with a nice throw to Smith. Smith with another juggling catch. Eagles quickly shift this field goal try into a fake, but Jason correctly calls that they're just trying to trick the Falcons into a penalty here. It doesn't work, and Elliott kicks a 29-yarder. Footage of Jason and Lane Johnson at WrestleMania. Falcons going for it on 4th and 4 and Cousins finds McCloud. Darnell Mooney wrecks CJGJ for a touchdown, first putting a move on him, then breaking a bad tackle attempt. Falcons go for two but the pass is broken up. Hurts finds Covey on the run. Shove time! Got it. Kelce: "I don't miss that play. Not one bit." This game is flying by. Hurts takes off again. Barkley's knee is down on this catch, and he's short, but they do get the first down. Barkley fantasy owners in shambles. Shove for six. Eagles go for two here. They give it to Barkley, and I'm not sure he made it. I think he jumped too early. Officials say he got it! Oh, there it is on the second effort. Eagles up 18-15. Pitts gets stopped short of the marker. Falcons go for it and Bijan gets stuffed! Screen to Barkley gets a first down. Barkley is ruled short of the first down after the two minute warning, which Aikman says actually helps the Eagles, because the Falcons will have to burn a time out here. A Falcons player just jumps offside. Absolutely intentional. The Eagles smartly decline it. Shove is successful again. Saquon drops a third down pass, and Elliott makes a 28-yarder after Braden Mann controls a bad snap. Zero pressure on Cousins and the Falcons are in the red zone in four plays.

Touchdown Drake London. An unsportsmanlike conduct flag for celebration makes this PAT 48 yards but Koo's not gonna miss it after that. Hurts throws deep under pressure and Bates picks it off. Cousins has won four of his last five Monday night starts? Huh. Both teams got what they deserved. (Falcons 22, Eagles 21)
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