Thursday, April 27, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Bowl of Superlatives

Roof is CLOSED. Wait, who's singing the anthem? Oh, Luke Bryan. OK.
America the Beautiful AND the anthem? Isn't this a bit much? "...And sisterhood." Well all right. Not too shabby, Luke.

I'd forgotten Ghost in the Shell was even happening. Are we actually kicking off on time? No, of course not. The eldest Bushes are both here to flip the coin and have gotten the biggest pop of the night so far. Falcons win the toss and defer.


Dan Quinn has coached in three of the last four Super Bowls. Let's go!! Touchback.

I see Chris Hogan's deal with the devil hasn't expired yet. Lot of sacks so far. We're really going ot have a scoreless first quarter. Wouldn't have made that call.

Well done, World of Tanks. Well done.

Fumble! Falcons have it.


Sure, but then they can just hand it to Freeman. Touchdown Freeman! That was at least a 10-point swing there.

Patriots go three-and-out. Falcons changing things up with who they target now as Gabriel and Hooper get throws. Touchdown Falcons!


Reminder that the largest deficit overcome in a Super Bowl is 10 points.


Febreze!

MORE HOLDING. This is ridiculous. Hey, an earned first down by the Patriots for once. Martellus Bennett is Very Important right now. Interception! TOUCHDOWN!!! Brady was the only chance and you knew he wasn't stopping Alford. 21-0.





John Malkovich is ANGRY, y'all.

James White with a badly-needed big gain. Then he converts a third down. Edelman dropping that pass actually helps the Pats. Offensive holding? So much for being inside the 5. Who called this trash?




Field goal is good, but it seems empty. 21-3 Falcons (!) at halftime.




Alfa Romeo? Really? Roof is opening for Gaga, who also just had a Tiffany's spot that was good.






My God. Is she on the roof or was this part pre-recorded? (It's 50-50 with her, if we're being honest.) Nope. SHE WAS ON THE ROOF. Starting with "Poker Face" because sure. This is oddly low-key for a Gaga performance. But there's still time. A KEYTAR?!?! "Hey, Dad. Hi, Mom." She has to do "Applause", right? "Bad Romance"! That was a quick outfit change. OK, here's the Gaga we know and love and sometimes also fear.


THANK YOU, WIL. I spent that whole sequence trying to figure out why those things looked familiar. Did she just jump through the floor?



That baby commercial was TERRIFYING. A Monmouth University spot? It's been an hour since the Falcons' offense was last on the field. What does that mean? Let's find out. Three and out. Good punt return by Edelman.


Extremely.

We come back to see that Quinn challenged... something. They say Edelman stepped out of bounds sooner, for a net gain of eight yards. Two missed catches on that drive and the Patriots also go three and out. And here's THE Busch spot. Meanwhile, the Martha Stewart-Snoop friendship is the romance for our times. Mack doesn't look like he's playing with a broken leg.


I know I've already asked this, but how the hell did Taylor Gabriel get away from the Browns? Coleman, then Freeman. Patriots swallowed that one. COLEMAN! Jebus. Nobody had this.





Pretty good weekend for Melissa McCarthy. A Stranger Things 2 promo? That came out of nowhere.

Celebrity crawl! Mark Walhberg's looked happier. VP Pence in the house. James Baker's still alive? Good for him.





Saw that WR pass coming, but Lewis couldn't haul it in. Aikman's right; the Patriots are just trying things. Gotta go for this. Amendola picks it up. You know it's desperate times when Brady takes off for a "run." Well this is a problem. Freeney's and Bennett's helmets are stuck together. White slips under a tackle for a touchdown. Extra point MISSED.


Onside kick? Falcons get it, but it may have touched a Patriot anyway.



So the Baywatch movie's gonna be a comedy? I think I can get on board with that.

Patriots still trying things. What's happened to their pass protection? This Falcons defense has stiffened down here. It's a very young group that's coached by a guy who knows defense. That kills any thoughts of going for it on 4th.


Field goal is good. 28-12. The GHOST OF SPUDS McKENZIE?!? Fumble! Patriots ball! Don't know why the Falcons were passing on 3rd and 1 with a 16-point lead, though. Freeney still getting things done. Mitchell converts 3rd and 13. Touchdown Amendola! (There's that stolen possession Barnwell said the Pats needed earlier.) High snap? No! Direct snap and White converts. 28-20. Nice coverage on Freeman, guys. JONES! I might challenge — no. That was amazing.


Oh, that's a bad sack to take there. Followed by offensive holding, which makes things worse. 3RD AND 33. Nothing. That turned disastrous in a hurry.


That was damn near a safety. Brady's been under siege for a surprising amount of this game. Edelman? EDELMAN!!! That's insane. Falcons challenge and will lose.






Buck calls back to the Tyree catch (and also mentions the missed interception by Asante Samuel before that that everyone forgets about.) Now Amendola with a big play. This is what they do. James White, three times. Touchdown. Amendola converts, Falcons were offside, tie game. TIE. GAME. What a horrible turn of events.




Falcons get the ball back and look to have resigned themselves to overtime, as they have no time outs somehow on top of everything else. Dion Lewis just blew out his knee for — nothing, really. Overtime. This game is in overtime.

Patriots win the toss and this game is probably over. That 18-play drive in the third quarter gassed the Falcons' defense. White again. Edelman.
That's pass interference and this game's over. Horrible. Touchdown White and that's it.















And now, for the only enjoyable part of this scenario: The trophy presentation. Strahan's thinking, "Yeah, but I got one off y'all." Goodell getting booed back to New York.


SO. MUCH. SHADE from Kraft right now. You'll notice Goodell got the hell out of there as soon as reasonably acceptable.

Nice shot of Howie and Chris Long (with Chris's kid, to boot!).

This. This, though. This was...

Look. I hate the Patriots. I hate their smug arrogance. I hate that they flaunt the rules. I hate that they're better than you without flaunting the rules. I hate that they seem to get every single break imaginable. But Tom Brady became the all-timer tonight because he did something that had never been done in the Super Bowl. He has five rings. He should probably have at least six.

And the Falcons. I mean, and Atlanta. This was every great playoff game Dominique Wilkins had that wasn't good enough. This was every lead the Braves' bullpen blew in the 1990s (and they won a title!) This was Man of the Year Eugene Robinson getting popped for solicitation the night before Super Bowl XXXIII. This was the latest incredible disappointment for a city that already has a bad reputation for pro sports fandom as well as a long string of near misses. This... many not be recoverable.

This was unbelievable.



Amen, Ms. Knight. Amen.

(Patriots 34, Falcons 28, OT)

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