Thursday, January 19, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Tamed West

Gary Kubiak’s resigning from the Broncos due to documented health issues? The first half of that sentence is surprising; the second half isn’t.

Signal Finder: DAL @ PHI, CLE @ PIT, NYG @ WAS, OAK @ DEN, KC @ SD

Prescott starts but not Elliott. Tyron Smith is hurt. Sean Lee missing a game on his own accord for once. I’m not sure if Sproles would be playing if Mathews, Barner and Smallwood weren’t all hurt. Agholor hurt? No Jordan Matthews, either? Jeez. Fake end around fools no one. Wentz and Ertz can’t connect, and it’s up to Sturgis, who makes it. Mike Trout in the house! In his usual end zone seats, even. Did Jess get a haircut? Slightly surprised Prescott’s still in this game. Bailey hits because of course he does. Terrell Watson with his first carry. Romo? Romo. And he guns it up on his first play. You got the call, Dez. Stop being mad. Touchdown to Williams. Looks like Romo’s done. Sanchez time.



I’m not sure that’s a catch by Butler. Hicks gets an interception off a blitz.





The Eagles’ offense has stopped, and now it’s against backups. Jones bangs out a 66-yard punt and plants it at the 1-yard line. Hicks again! He just owns the Cowboys. Wentz is all “Fine. I’ll do it myself.” Touchdown to Ertz. PAT good and we’re tied at 10 at halftime. Peters out, and Big V replacing him. That throw to Beasley was a top-5 all-time Mark Sanchez pass. Pretty sure DGB peaked in high school. I don’t understand this call on the Watson catch.


Ertz is practically the only guy out here Wentz can rely on. 17-13. Marshall showing some speed on this run. More Ertz! Meanwhile, in the press box:

That’s a big sack. Blocked punt? Sure, why not. The Eagles want Watson to get this touchdown. And he does. (Eagles 27, Cowboys 13)

 Patriots to Dolphins: "Don't get cocky, kid." (Patriots 35, Dolphins 14)

No Roethlisberger or Bell, at least, for the Steelers, either. That’s Griffin’s first touchdown pass with the Browns. It’s Week 17. Chyron: “CLEVELAND: STRENGTHS: ???” I mean, it’s true. The Steelers have three yards after the first quarter. That’s how little they care about the outcome of this game. Another one. 14-0 Browns. Bad, BAD interception by Griffin. Wow, I didn’t realize they were that close to their own end zone. Steelers call time out and don’t tell their players. Touchdown DeAngelo Williams after breaking a tackle. You hear this? The last time the Browns won in Pittsburgh, Tim Couch and Tommy Maddox were the quarterbacks. And Harlan just said that Maddox got hurt in that game and Roethlisberger replaced him. The rest is history, of course. Not a good effort by Eli Rogers on that interception. Wait, what?


SO. BROWNS. Looking at the replay, dude just dropped the ball. It wasn't even knocked out of his hands. Touchdown Williams and we’re tied because Browns. Have the Browns had the word "BROWNS" on their pants all season? Horrible. Griffin should have been intercepted again there.


Still tied at 14. Not anymore, it's not. Ayers slipped out of the coverage and outran the corner to the end zone. Touchdown Steelers. Big run by Crowell! 67 yards! Touchdown Browns! Steelers have to punt and the Browns actually have a chance here. Pryor straight-up clowned Burns on that route. FUMBLE. STEELERS BALL. All they had to do was NOT THAT. (And if you really want to be pedantic and ultra-conservative, all they actually had to do was take two knees and kick the field goal.)


Wow. We’re going to overtime. Browns win the toss and are driving. RIP sideline mic dude.


Mitchell stops Coleman short of the goal line, then gets flagged for a face mask. Mitchell’s in shock. “He grabbed mine!” He’s right! They grabbed each other’s!! I’m amazed he didn’t curse. The Browns just lost 14 yards on a screen pass. Field goal, miraculously, is good.
Touchdown Hamilton! Because Browns. (Steelers 27, Browns 24, OT)

Meanwhile, in Nashville,it's Tom Savage vs. Matt Cassel. Wait, what?


Seriously? We have to go through this again? At least this game wasn't for the division title. (Titans 24, Texans 17)

Matt Barkley just caught a touchdown pass. It was the only Bears touchdown of the game. Another year, another Sam Bradford season that doesn't end above .500. He and Jeff Fisher really were perfect for each other. (Vikings 38, Bears 10)


And in a sign of blatant disrespect, we will begin the second half of our day in Denver. It's been a while since we've seen the Broncos' offense look this good on a drive. What was that Talib-Crabtree confrontation about? Talib ripped Crabtree's chain off? Why are you wearing jewelry during a game, dude? We went through this with Jon Ryan's wedding ring. McGloin's been off so far. Like, really off. That's a flag for helmet-to-helmet and McGloin looks shaken up. They’re looking at his neck? No way that’s good. Siemian just finding holes in this Raiders defense. That's another touchdown for Booker. And Connor Cook is in. God help us. He's been as bad as McGloin, possibly worse. That's a fumble. Touchdown Broncos and this is approaching inevitability. 
They’ve switched to Chiefs-Chargers here. Just saw the pick-six Smith threw and I didn't realize it was tipped until the replay. That's why the ball looked like a dying quail as it fell. The Chiefs scored on that same play to the same guy? Bad job, Chargers. And worse job on the Hill punt return, letting him take it to the house from his own 5. The only person who offered any resistance was his own teammate and Hill shoved him to the ground. Are we gonna get switched back?  That'd be historic, no? Now I’m wondering if the Raiders angered a god. Godspeed, Coach Kubiak. Farewell again, San Diego? (Broncos 24, Raiders 6; Chiefs 37, Chargers 27)

That Cousins pick. Man. He and Andy Dalton are destined to duel over who claims the mantle of Lesser Eli, aren't they? I'm not sure Garcon would have caught it regardless... that pass was high and a little behind him. Is that a faint "DRC" chant I hear? That's distressing. Cousins has to beat a good team at some point, right? crosses off Redskins (Giants 19, Redskins 10)

And with that, this game is now only for the NFC North title, and a rematch next week is impossible. “LOSER: WILD CARD AT # 3 SEATTLE.” YOU DON’T WANT TO LOSE THIS GAME. Tate just missed a touchdown the Lions really could have used. Zenner had three 2000-yard seasons in college? Wow. So the Packers need a right corner or something.
Al just jinxed Prater. How did Rodgers get out of there? There’s the other Rodgers.
Touchdown Packers. T.J. Jones? Never heard of him. That’s how Stafford is doing all of this without Megatron: The Lions brought in a bunch of experienced receivers to pick up the slack. Penalty cancels out the sack. Touchdown Lions! Clay just dropped a potential pick-six. Boldin still doing Boldin things. Zenner having a solid first half, just like last week. That’s a risky throw that Boldin ended up with. Touchdown Tate.



The Lions somehow left the sideline open deep. Is this too long for Crosby? Nope. Still, Lions lead at halftime, which I'm not sure I would have called. Another Al jinx: he talks about how well the Lions have defended Nelson and they immediately stop doing it. The penalties, while mostly declined, don’t help, either. Touchdown Adams! Packers lead. Montgomery back in after some weirdness and gets a nice gain on a reverse. That’s a heck of a catch by Jones. Rollins is still down? It didn’t look that bad but now the cart’s out. Rodgers takes off for a first down. Then he finds Cook for another one.

Also, just like last week, Zenner's been stifled in the second half. GERONIMO! Rodgers running around for about 10 seconds before finding Allison in the end zone for a touchdown. Okay, nine seconds. Still, though. Ridiculous.


Prater makes a 56-yarder and it’s a six-point game. This is a very generous spot and Caldwell should and will challenge. That didn’t take long. Rodgers picks up the first down on a damn bootleg. Then he catches the Lions with 12 men on the field. This drive has taken almost five minutes. Touchdown Adams and it’s over. This drive won’t mean anything in the end because the Lions never beat the Packers. See? Boldin catches a late touchdown and at least it wasn’t Tate. I’m gonna win a fantasy football title! (Packers 31, Lions 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Dallas (13-3): Pretty sure Kevin Sweeney was next man up
2. New England (14-2): Biding their time
3. Kansas City (12-4): This is how you survive
4. Pittsburgh (11-5): Definitely trending upward

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-13): Probably the end for Cutler
30. Jacksonville (2-14): On to new direction 6.0 or thereabouts
31. San Francisco (2-14): It's a bad job, but someone's gotta take it
32. Cleveland (1-15): Only the Browns, man...
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