Friday, February 26, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Adventure of a Lifetime

LOL at Brady getting booed. Who else remembered Dexter Jackson was a Super Bowl MVP? Hey, Steph Curry's banging the Panthers' drum. No way a Lady Gaga national anthem comes in under 2:05. 2:27! NAILED IT. The song, not the time.

A few things: This is the first Super Bowl featuring the top two picks from the same draft (2011), as well as two head coaches who were both former NFL players. Also, Beyonce's supposed to show up at halftime, and she sang the national anthem the other time the Panthers were in the Super Bowl.

This Kevin Hart movie's gonna make so much bank in three years. Wait, what?


Hey, a new score bug. Looks a lot like NBC's except for the font. Wonder if it's permanent. (It is.) That's a good pass. That's a good run. Not sure what that third down throw to Anderson was but whatever. The Broncos will get three out of this and that's fine. Not the best start for the Panthers' offense, though. Three drives in and it's kind of how we figured it would start. Challenge! You're up, Mike Carey. This is a catch, I think. No? Bad decision, refs. That was a catch.






Sack, fumble, touchdown Broncos! If you were looking for the most likely scenario for a Broncos win tonight, that was it, right there. Big turnovers — the ones that either lead directly to points or put them in a great position to get points. Then Tolbert puts one on the deck but the Panthers get it back. Then the Broncos sack Cam on third down, but Talib's taunt basically nullifies the lost yardage and gives the Panthers a first down. Grand.


Kuechly sack! There's the first actual hit for the Panthers' offense. Two Cam runs later and this is finally interesting. The Panthers will definitely need Greg Olsen tonight. That's a... fairly nasty face mask by Talib. Stewart with the leap for the touchdown. Is he playing Rock Paper Scissors with himself? Talib's going to need a minute.


This challenge doesn't seem worth it when it's your last one.


What's this? Look at Matt Damon all jacked up. New Bourne? OK.


Big return by Norwood! That was... odd. It was like all the Panthers stopped for no reason. Nantz seems to think that they thought it was a fair catch, but there was no signal or even anything resembling one.


Big 3rd down stop. 4th and 1 and the Broncos are going for it. Anderson gets it, BUT offensive holding wipes it out. Field goal good.

CONSTIPATION.


Cam got lucky he was down there. And a late hit to boot? Then Tolbert actually fumbles! Would this Hulk/Ant-Man Coke spot count as the second Super Bowl commercial featuring Paul Rudd? Now we're actually closer to halftime, so that announcement's okay. Big run by Anderson to get away from some tackles. Nice pick by Kony Ealy — well, after he finally got control of the ball.


You know who hasn't had a good postseason this year is Demaryius Thomas. That Prius ad made no damn sense whatsoever. Did I miss something there? Nice leaping catch by Funchess. That missed pass to Olsen was our last shot at points before halftime. And Ware ends the half with another sack.


Scientology? Really?


That's dangerous, Chris Martin. We're opening with "Viva La Vida" which is fine. I can barely hear him.


So many violins. Acrobatics! Coldplay doing neo-disco seems... right, for some reason.
And how'd Bruno Mars and his crew get to the stage that fast? Stop. Wait a minute. BEYONCE.


THEY'RE DANCE BATTLING. Musical montage. You know there's no way in hell they're showing the Janet/Timberlake clip (which I believe was also on a CBS Super Bowl.) Hey, they solved their audio issues in time for the end of this thing. (But apaprently CBS has been having wonky sound things all game long.) That got... fine by the end. Not sure how that was a "salute to past, present and future", but it was fine. Oh, Beyonce dropped a tour announcement at the end? Clever girl!

Yes, please stop Dan Marino from dancing. Dogs driving? Really, Subaru?

Ginn! Hadn't really seen him yet. Why'd he go out of bounds? He can outrun everyone on that field. There's been a lot of stupid in this game — the Panthers just cancelled out a first-down run with a late hit. The Panthers' receivers look like the Eagles'.


CLANG! Gano misses! That's not gonna help the cause.

So TurboTax spent all of its money on Anthony Hopkins? OK. Oh, here's the Pokemon spot. Doritos has done some... strange things tonight.

Sanders somehow got wide open there. And again. But not that time, as three Panthers went to him on 3rd and 5 (leaving Thomas open, by the way.) Field goal good. 16-7 Broncos.


I'm amazed Corey Brown caught that. And he paid for it with that landing. Then Ginn salvaged four yards out of a play that looked doomed. Intercpetion off Ginn's hands FUMBLE still Broncos ball.




How the hell is that Cam's fault, Simms? Ginn's a career No. 3 receiver because he doesn't make no-brainer catches like that. "He threw it too hard." It hit him in his damn hands. This is why you suck.

Wix crossed over with Kung Fu Panda and referenced The Man Your Man Could Smell Like. Excellent. Sheep sing for the Honda Ridgeline.

The Broncos' defense isn't letting the Panthers' receivers get past them. Another reminder that these offensive lines aren't the greatest — Von Miller's been terrorizing these guys and there has been no room to run, either.

I had no idea what the payoff for these Super Bowl Babies spots was supposed to be. Wait, that's ACTUALLY Seal.


Did we need Jeff Goldblum singing twice? And that was a shorter version of the first spot, so does this count as a third Goldblum appearance tonight? I say no.

There have been more personal fouls in this game than big offensive plays. Legitimately. That's twice Peyton's had problems with the ball on this series, and that time the Panthers ended up with it. On the other side, Ealy's making his name tonight. That's two sacks for him and two turnovers he's been involved with as well. The Panthers still have time to run the ball, and they finally had some success doing it for the first time in about a quarter and a half. Gano's been sketchy tonight — he barely made the extra point earlier, too.

Toenail fungus? With Simms? REALLY?


I wish I liked Drake's music. Oh, wait, no I don't.


Josh Norman has taken Thomas completely out of this game. No Corey Brown? That's not good, although when he made that big catch, he seemed shaken up for a moment and I only saw him once after that. It'd make sense that he's concussed. These defenses are killing it. A run on 3rd and 9? Really, Broncos?


Helen Mirren: classy as fuck. I'd have a burger and fries with her. But a proper beverage, none of that Budweiser swill.

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. TRY FINDING IT, EVEN. Was that Miller again? He's got MVP locked up, right? If that fumble didn't end this game (had the Panthers recovered at the initial spot, it's 4th and 18 and the guy who's been your best receiver tonight has missed most of the second half), that penalty on Norman did, because even this version of the Broncos' offense can score from the 1-yard line. And there it is. Two-point conversion? Good. The Panthers' offensive line has been getting blown up all night. Look at those hit totals on Cam. Shut up, Simms, that's absolutely roughing the passer. They're punting? White flag it. Norman over to thank Peyton for the inspiration after 3rd down. Well, that's anticlimactic. 200 wins, two titles. Hasta la vista.




Papa John? Was that Rod Smith? Wait, the Prius commercial's getting a PART TWO? It's no "You want to catch wolves, you need wolves." from Furious 6, I'll tell you that much.

Man, I hope Terrell Davis wasn't going to present the trophy if the Panthers won. Goodell: "Peyton, I'm so glad you're not Brady right now." Von Miller's the MVP. Of course. Peyton has TWO kids? Two weeks ago I didn't know he had ONE. Wait, Alec Baldwin and Amazon got a sequel, too?










Also of note: This is probably the first time Gary Kubiak was the best-performing quarterback on a football field in about 40 years. (Broncos 24, Panthers 10)

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