Tuesday, February 10, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Chapter Z

Roof is OPEN, and that's an upset. John Legend is everywhere these days. That was a Perfectly Acceptable national anthem. Good job, Adele Dazeem.









Not many teams don't defer the coin toss any more. We're not off to the fastest start here. The longest play on that drive was the punt. That should have been roughing instead of running into? Interesting but I'm not sure it'll matter in the end. The Seahawks' first drive didn't amount to much. Note: If Vereen's in, they're passing. If Blount's in, they're running. It's not that hard to figure out. Lots of small gains here. Wait, what? Really? Brady wasn't even under that much pressure and he throws a pick that bad? That was odd. Oh, Lane's hurt? They've got his arm in what looks like a plastic harness. That's not good. (We would later see what happened to it and... yeah.)








Seriously, though! Nationwide opens with a winner with the Mindy Kaling spot and follows it up with the televised equivalent of a funeral dirge?

Worse yet, the Seahawks got nothing out of the turnover and are down a man to boot. This Patriots drive is already going better than the last one. There's the first shot for Gronk and it... misfires. Are they doing this weird lineup again? I guess not. Touchdown. And we've hit another lull. Hey, a first down for the Seahawks!


And they're doing this by leaning on Lynch, which it feels like they're going to have to do to win this. Chris Matthews? Huh. Touchdown Lynch. See? No Blount. That means the Patriots are passing. This isn't hard. Collinsworth's pointing out that the Patriots' receivers are doing all of their damage in the seams away from the corners. There's your Gronkowski hit, folks. That was way too easy for Brady and Gronk. K.J. Wright's good, but that wasn't going to work. A draw play, Seahawks? The field just opened up pretty wide for Wilson. That's the second time Arrington's made a bad mistake on a long pass. He was beaten before he grabbed dude's face mask. He's so bad. Now the Seahawks are in field goal range... but they're taking a shot? This is... this is gonna be close. Chris Matthews!






Wilson had to throw that pass almost immediately and he did. Somehow after that first 20 minutes we have a decent game.





All right, let's do this. GOOD LORD, KATY.




Yes, the woman rode in on a mechanical lion and now we have sharks dancing on stage. I'm petty surprised Lenny Kravitz is doing "I Kissed A Girl" with her here. Now she's trying to headbang. At least she's got the ponytail. Now it's a Wiggles episode.


That was a really quick change. Kudos. Wait, I recognize this beat. MISSY ELLIOTT!?!?! This I did not know about.


She's changed again. Did Missy do, like, three songs? What is this contraption? Fly, Katy! Fly! And now my Twitter feed has been hit with about 40 variations of this:



At least we're on NBC.


Ickey's both put on weight and grown about 4 inches taller. Speaking of the commercials so far...


Right? No Fury Road, no San Andreas (an earthquake movie! Perfect for the Super Bowl), no Fantastic Four, but we get Pitch Perfect 2?

Chris Matthews has destroyed Kyle Arrington and now Devin McCourty. Gotta make a switch.


I don't really like that run out of the shotgun. At least they got three.


Great cut in by Wagner to pick that off. Brady's severely outplayed Wilson so far but he's also the one who's made the mistakes. The first pick was thrown early; this one was late.


Wilson ran around for about five seconds before the left side opened up. Flag? It really has been mostly a clean game. A guy who runs like a bull shouldn't be able to have the moves that Lynch has. Nice job covering Baldwin, Patriots. The hell did he even do?


Also, good work using the umpire as a pick to get rid of Revis. Amendola just made a business decision. This game has turned into a Seahawks game.


Liam Neeson plays Clash of Clans? Microsoft's doing a solid job. Like hell Pierce Brosnan would drive a Kia. LeBron's a more believable Kia driver. Who was that with Sarah Silverman? And why does Silverman's trophy case only have one in it?


Seriously, now it's the Patriots' receivers that can't get open. When someone named John Develin becomes an option, I'm not sure how many real options you have. Edelman's down; this'll come back.

 
Brady forgot Edelman's only 5-8. You know what's been almost completely absent from this game, and especially this half? Anything resembling a pass rush from either side, but especially Seattle, as these are two not-great offensive lines. Brady has had all the time in the world most of the time, and especially so since Cliff Avril went out. Hey, Amendola! Well, now it's interesting.  That should have been tripping against the Patriots. Did the Seahawks gain any yards on that drive? Hey, a sack! Irvin finally got to Brady. Hey, a Gronk sighting. They've thrown at Sherman once all night? He's hurt! Test him! Make him do something! Gronk again. Huh, they gave Vereen an actual carry.


Touchdown Patriots. Edelman was almost as open as Baldwin was. How do they keep doing this? Brady has elevated the talent around him all year. (And astute readers will remember that after the Kansas City Shuffle, I questioned Belichick, not Brady like most were.)


All right, Russ. You've sucked for most of this game; what have you got for us now? Lynch on a wheel route has worked all year long. That's a key pickup by Lockette. Another throw into tight coverage. Wait, what? He caught that? HE. CAUGHT. THAT. That was David Tyree plus Antonio Freeman. WOW.







Why isn't Belichick calling time out if he's not going to just let the Seahawks score? What? No! OH MY GOD NO.












Pete Carroll just cost his team the Super Bowl.











And even if you're going to be dumb enough to throw the ball there, don't throw a freaking SLANT INTO TRAFFIC. You already ran the pass play you're supposed to run there if you call a pass. You ran it ONE HALF AGO.















And then Bennett gets caught jumping offsides for the 791st time this season. And now we've got a fight. This is why you don't book heel-heel main events. Irvin's been tossed. You can't have a worse ending to a season than that. You absolutely can't.


(Patriots 28, Seahawks 24)


I hope all that drama isn't over an actual slap. Hey, T.O. needs the money. Kraft is drunk as hell. Gronk may catch up shortly. I hope Edelman knows where he is.

FINAL RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (15-4) — This win really pumps up their legacy
2. Seattle (14-5) — A storm of confusion and rage afterwards
3. Green Bay (13-5) — And yet, Carroll's bad call still doesn't trump McCarthy's bad game
4. Denver (13-5) — Is this the beginning of the end?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Washington (4-12) — A final embarrassment
30. Oakland (3-13) — Still running in place
31. Tennessee (2-14) — Not a good time for football in the Volunteer State
32. Tampa Bay (2-14) — This feels like order has been restored
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