Showing posts with label Pittsburgh Steelers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pittsburgh Steelers. Show all posts

Sunday, October 26, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Lower Management

Oh, Jets. Why do you make it so easy so many times? Their radio guys are... less than enthused. That was a long way to go for that. The Jets can't afford to settle for field goals tonight. As I say that, field goals end up giving them the lead. But only temporarily. Whoa, Sheldon Richardson's in the backfield. A Jets touchdown! Stop the presses! Wait, Gostkowski MADE that? I was sure that was wide left. Geno is down. That... didn't look good. So all that and he only misses one play? That's fortunate, I guess. Maybe he's a really good actor. Danny Amendola LIVES!




We've seen the Jets put together some quality drives tonight but they need a touchdown here. These receivers are highly substandard. Touchdown Jets! That... probably should have worked. I mean, it had a chance.







And what's scary about that is that his explanation almost made sense. Good job by the Jets' offensive players getting out of bounds. They have just enough time to get one more quick pass off. And that's exactly how you do that if nobody's open. Dump it as quickly as possible. 58 yards? Let's see. BLOCKED! That kick looked low. And it was.




I thought that name sounded familiar. (Patriots 27, Jets 25)

Speaking of the Jets, they finally got the alleged playmaker they so desperately needed... about six months too late:




And really, though: Percy Harvin played for Pete Carroll in a state where marijuana is legal and he still couldn't find any chill? This dude needs a shrink.

Signal Finder: CIN @ IND, CAR @ GB, SEA @ STL (2nd half), TEN @ WSH (end), NYG @ DAL

That was an... unfortunate sequence of events for the Panthers. Once Nelson made the move it was over. The Panthers can't stop anything right now. That one was just too easy. The Panthers can't get out of their own way. This'll be over quickly if they can't get sorted. JEBUS. I see why Kuechly's the Panthers' leading tackler — he's the only one who can. Finally, the Panthers are doing things. That's kind of a stupid penalty. At least they survived it. The irony there is a better throw gets intercepted. Lacy didn't even gain any more yards and the Panthers still couldn't bring him down. Then they jump offsides on 3rd down and Lacy uses the shorter distance to break one. There's nothing the Panthers can do. Touchdown to Cobb and this may be a wrap. I'm just gonna assume that "AARON SAYS RELAX" T-shirts are massive sellers in Wisconsin right now. Hey, a stop. This is the Panthers' best drive of the day and they're not even at midfield. Good catch by Benjamin to go up and get it. They need points here. That'll do, I guess. The Panthers have clearly rethought things. Newton with the sneak on 4th and 1... and they don't get it. Aaaand we're headed to St. Louis. (Packers 38, Panthers 17)

So both the Bears and the Buccaneers chose the wrong quarterback? Good to know. (Dolphins 27, Bears 14)


Is the referee putting his contact lens back in? He is! I find that strangely reassuring. So that was a fumble after all. Leon Hall just dropped a pick-six. I don't know where Luck was going with that, either. Careful with those legs, Burfict. That's a good stand by the Bengals — you make Luck run twice in a goal-to-go situation, you'll take that. Every time I've seen the Bengals this year, Gresham hasn't been getting any separation from defenders. Bradshaw! Good job atoning for the fumble earlier. It seems like Trent Richardson's finally starting to figure it out. Another fumble? Bad handoff. Man, as soon as I said it. Of course, the Bengals can't get anything going. A lot happened on that pass to Bernard — was it backwards? Was that hit legal?




Fleener couldn't have seen that; that's the only reason he didn't go get it. Did somebody just get run? Oh, yeah, you can't touch the refs. This may not  be the best time to point out that the Colts are hitting everything in front of them but they are. I'd be shocked if the Bengals' total yards after the catch was more than 10. I'm surprised Allen stayed inbounds. The Bengals are getting overwhelmed on offense. it really does feel like they should be down 30 with how little production they've gotten. This should be a touchdown. Yep — the guy tackling Bradshaw grabbed him by his knee, keeping it from hitting the ground. Dude has six touchdown catches. Sanu! That's the first play the Bengals have made and there's 11 minutes left. They didn't get ANY points? Lord. To D.C.! (Colts 27, Bengals 0)




There was no fair catch signal. Carroll can complain all he wants. A Seahawk slipped on that Cunningham 3rd down run that didn't get there. That is terrible edge defense by the Rams. How do you let Russell Wilson break off a 52-yarder? Offensive holding takes away a touchdown and Lynch's only good run today. That's... a touchdown. Who's this dude? Number three tight end? I'm not a fan of the empty backfield on the two-point conversion, even with a quarterback who can run. I think it limits your options. And it didn't work. Chris Givens? Let me tell you something: I don't want to say if Austin Davis is good or not, but he isn't bad. Did this break the plane? Yes! The problem the Rams had last week was they couldn't sustain it for four quarters. This week they just might. If... IF they can stop this drive, which they haven't yet. How did Kearse get that open? Then he ran through the coverage. Bad tackling by the Rams on the Baldwin touchdown. FAKE PUNT!!!! If nothing else, it bought the Rams some yardage. Best case, it might end the game.




Why did Fisher call time out? Fumble? Who's got it? That's a clean fumble. No way to tell.




Rams ball! That's it! Wow. Carroll looks stunned.




(Rams 28, Seahawks 26)




I don't think we could have expected Colt McCoy to be the one to end the Kirk Cousins era but here we are. Offsetting penalties? So much for that big DeSean catch. That is blatant interference — McCourty's hanging on for dear life, as Harlan described it. Stop yapping, DeSean. How did he not get flagged there? Field goal up. Field goal good. And Colt McCoy has as many wins this season as Kirk Cousins does. (Redskins 19, Titans 17)


Well, Brees looks like he's back. Great catch and body control by that guy to give the Lions the lead. So Brees cooled off in the fourth? Look, if you make him run, that's a win. And there's your stop.




Apparently no one. (Lions 24, Saints 23)

Why so mad, Giants? Three straight runs. Interesting. Fine coverage by the Giants on Escobar. did they forget he was on the field? Antrel Rolle was going in the opposite direction. Also, Romo had three days to throw that ball. Chronicle the saga of the Giants' new offense, won't you, Thom Brenneman? I feel like Giants fans had gotten fed up with Gilbride's predictable scheme and wanted something new.




Well this is interesting. The ground caused that fumble but I don't know about that spot. Now, did Garrett challenge after they measured? It's short. Giants going for it? I'd have the quarterback sneak banked just in case drawing them offsides goes wrong. Aaand it's a false start so it doesn't matter. How are you gonna fine a guy who clearly can't afford underwear? I kid, I kid, the NFL rookie scale is pretty good. The Giants are misfiring in the passing game again. Big pickup by Donnell. They're going for it again? And throwing into double coverage? Pass interference? OK. Hey an Andre Williams sighting. Carr holds Beckham and he still scores. Romo just barely escaped calamity there. Dez fell down is why that interception happened. That return by Prince, though. Murray popped him one at the end to knock him out of bounds. Touchdown Giants.




Careful, DeMarco — you've never played a full season in the NFL. I mean, Romo has so much time at times behind this line. I don't understand the last three minutes of this half. ELI MOTORING. That should have been a fumble. That drive was kind of a waste. Hey, Murray's back in. You have to actually tackle Dez. Romo led Escobar pretty much perfectly on that touchdown.  Aikman's talking about how these quick wide receiver screens didn't work for the Seahawks last week, either. Another wasted drive by the Giants. WHOA that's bright. Romo just said "double move" and then they ran the ball. I'd have gone for it, Garrett. The Giants can't stop them right now. Charissa's report about the sunlight coming in through the usually-closed doors has me thinking of The Hunt For Red October. "Those doors, sir, are the problem." Fumble! Cowboys ball. Pretty much the same thing that happened earlier on the Bradshaw run that they didn't give the Cowboys the ball on. Dez!! They're gonna give him that? Nah, he's down at about the 3. Or the 1. It's all semantics, really. I feel like Eli's had a good game but it won't matter in the end. Well, they've got something cooking here, at least. I mean, this is what this offense is now, especially with no Cruz. Beckham scores and for the moment, we have a game. This is how you run a four-minute drive, and Bailey's not going to miss this field goal. (Cowboys 31, Giants 21)




Dockett's already out for the season. What's he got to lose? (Cardinals 24, Raiders 13)

Those aren't the 49ers' regular left guard and center either. That was easy enough. This would be the place to try a 51-yarder with a 39-year-old kicker, you know. Not even close. That's good concentration by Sanders. Peyton just faked everybody out on that pass to Welker. He's tied! Been quite a few sacks already tonight. Is there any ball Boldin can't catch? Yeah, that's interference, and not good interference, as Boldin caught it before it got knocked out of his hands. Well I guess there's one ball Boldin can't catch.




I have no idea why Harbaugh's challenging this — he's gonna lose 15 yards on the penalty regardless.
That is also a penalty. Peyton fell down after that play fake and for a split second I thought he was going to try to throw it from his back. Wrong Thomas, Peyton. Good job by NBC going to the PA for the announcement.










The Niners are wasting all kinds of time here. I feel like they were unjustly rewarded for that.
Not a good throw by Kaepernick. And Peyton cashes in IMMEDIATELY. The 49ers corners aren't good. And really, they're just outmanned in general tonight and will be until they get some key guys back. Now the Broncos are continuing a 15-year or so tradition of running the ball effectively with guys you've never heard of. Al and Cris are flipping coins up in the booth. Osweiler's in. Were those his career numbers? Also, I see Blaine Gabbert is still crap.




Look, a good prank requires proper planning. Any episode of Night Court should have taught you that. (Broncos 42, 49ers 17)

YOU'RE MY BOY, BLUE. Good Lord, I apologize. That's what the Texans needed and the Steelers didn't. Ben didn't even hold on to the ball all that long — Mercilus was just on him that quickly. Also, Watt straight up abused DiCostanzo. The Steelers' defense is just too old. That's... that's a hell of a metaphor by Timmons just now.




You know who's good is DeAndre Hopkins. I'd go for this if I were the Texans. You've got Arian Foster. And that's how you do that. Watt is unblockable. You know a guy who doesn't get talked about anymore is Brian Cushing, who looked really slow trying to run down Bell just then. Whoa! Someone blew a coverage. This is that kid's debut, I believe. Good start. Wait, is this a fumble? They're looking closely at it. Steelers ball! That did NOT deserve to work. And Fitzpatrick just threw an interception! Timmons is having a rough night. That pass hit him in the head. Touchdown to Bell! JEBUS.










Flea flicker? Shame that didn't amount to anything. Now the Texans are pinned deep. Nice job moving the ball and getting out of there. This is getting overturned — Moore was rather clearly down. Though I do find it interesting that the original call was that the Texans player had stepped out of bounds after picking the ball up. You know who's still good is Andre Johnson. I mean, that's a catch. It's not NOT a catch. THIS one, on the other hand... where's that second foot? Man, I don't know. That's as close as it gets. Oh my God, Hopkins, that was terrible. Tirico's right — why are the Steelers throwing here? The Texans somehow have no time outs left. Is Jim Harbaugh coaching tonight? And here's why... the Texans just went down the field on your defense and there's still 1:45 left. You'd better recover this awful onside kick. Good job. (Steelers 30, Texans 23)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Dallas (6-1) — I mean... there's really no denying it
2. Denver (5-1) — A self-assured bunch
3. Arizona (5-1) — Another easy victory
4. Green Bay (5-2) — Sneaking up on everyone

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-5) — No team in the league has allowed more points
30. Jacksonville (1-6) — Nice first win for the Jags
31. N.Y. Jets (1-6) — I'm guessing Harvin won't much like it here, either
32. Oakland (0-6) — Hit new low getting trolled by an injured guy
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Sunday, January 12, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Proof and Pudding

Signal Finder: IND @ KC, DAL @ WAS, NO @ CAR (end), DEN @ HOU (end), PIT @ GB

SPECIAL TEAMS. Charles made that look... relatively easy. For some reason Luck needed to pump-fake six times. MORE SPECIAL TEAMS. Wait, what? Vinatieri doesn't miss. They reversed that incompletion into a sack? Um, okay? And Knile Davis fumbles again. That's why Charles touches the ball 80 times a game. Donald Brown came out of a wormhole and scored on that pass. That's the second time a Colt has vanished from the Chiefs' coverage. No one was anywhere near Hilton, who would have scored on a better throw. Holy hell the Colts just got jobbed out of a fumble recovery. Why are the Chiefs calling screens? And then running the ball on 4th and short with no time outs? Succop misses! Well that balanced out nicely.
Someone got Smith's arm there, right? Oh WOW Mathis knocked the ball out of Smith's hands and Smith basically punched it downfield. Brown again! Well, it took a full quarter, but the Chiefs are trying to rally here. Until that happened. That's probably it. (Colts 23, Chiefs 7)

THIS VIDEO PACKAGE. The other thing is these are two terrible defenses. MORE SPECIAL TEAMS. How that pass wasn't intercepted I'll never know. So neither side can cover a punt? Is that it? That's the second one Moss has gotten a good runback on. This is why they're 4-10. Another Cowboys linebacker down? I think they're down. I think that's their last one. The Cowboys have run out of linebackers, which means more safeties, which means more bad defense. Was there a hold on that Murray run? That was a good ten seconds! How does no one get to Romo? Even though the pass was incomplete, no one came close. Then he JUKES a guy? Dez got both feet down. The Redskins defense just went nuclear.


And there's a bad throw by Cousins that gets intercepted.

Well that's not Romo's fault but Cowboys. And the Redskins continue to do stupid things in the red zone.

I'm not even referring to the penalty here, but to lining up in quads bunch twice after the Cowboys called time out after the first time. Remember what I just said about the Redskins doing stupid things in the red zone? So do the Cowboys, if we're being honest. Touchdown. Why not go for two there, Shanahans? You're 4-10 and getting fired. No. You're kidding me. There's no way that just happened. Burkhart, on the Redskins turning run-happy immediately: "It's almost like the Redskins are taking what should be the Cowboys' script." And this Wilcox dude makes another stupid Cowboys mistake. That keeps the drive alive and the Redskins add three points.

Orakpo being hurt could be bad if it's for any length of time. You almost forget London Fletcher was on that Rams Super Bowl team. Now Romo's limping? Oh man, Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton are both in this stadium. Gotta go for it. Who moved? FALSE. START. I'm stunned they actually converted after all that. Actually I'm not because the Redskins remain terrible defensively. My God these teams are bad. What's DeAngelo mad about? The throw wasn't even close. Now what? They're kicking it and even that was needlessly adventurous. Of course the Cowboys gave up a 3rd and 9. Romo can barely move around back there. Oh, Wilson slipped. That's why Williams was so ridiculously open. Murray just lost 10 yards on 3rd and goal at the 1. JEBUS. No one covered Murray. NO. ONE. Now we got a fight. Seriously, Murray just stood there and waited.

There's still plenty of time for the Cowboys defense to blow this. Of course, Cousins then throws three bad passes. The Cowboys are lucky the Redskins are worse. (Cowboys 24, Redskins 23)

Domenik Hixon's still alive?

(Panthers 17, Saints 13)

FROZEN TUNDRA. James Jones just took that ball away from Ike Taylor. Usually that goes in the opposite direction.So ever since the first drive, these offenses have done whatever they feel like. The Steelers didn't even think about stopping Lacy on that touchdown. I mean, it never crossed their collective mind. FAKE PUNT! Big Ben runs! What is going on right now? We got some chaos here. That ball is out.


That's a massive defensive stop by the Steelers. BLOCKED!! Unbelievable. Wait, WHAT?!?!? Is this Leon Lett again? Is that what's happening right now? Now Tomlin's challenging this. He can't challenge that? They absolutely blew this one. Oh my goodness. Clark had that ball and was down before he pitched it.

Maaaaaan, if the Steelers end up losing by less than seven I do NOT want to deal with all that. I know I've said this several times already this season but Bell may already be the Steelers' best player, which is both good and bad. And the Steelers go back on top. Let's tack on a pick-six while we're at it, sure. Now Ben's throwing odd interceptions. Hey Steelers defense: The one guy you can't let get away is Jordy Nelson. Now we're tied. Flynn fumbles! Why did the Steelers burn a time out with the clock stopped? Touchdown!

Who's this Hyde dude? That's a massive return. A false start? Seriously, Packers? That is literally out of the Cowboys-Redskins game. So that's a 10-second runoff and the Packers just screwed themselves.

Let's be honest, though: Asking Mike McCarthy to make the correct clock management decision is a lot like asking a Kardashian to split the atom. It might just take the push of a button, but do you really trust them to do that much? (Steelers 38, Packers 31)

This Week It Sucks To Be:


(Giants 23, Lions 20, OT)

So now it's the Bears with a chance to win their division. And that's not the way you want to start that game out. That punt wasn't good.Well that didn't take any time at all. Hester FUMBLED? Whoa.


Give it to Shady! Are the Bears aware of the circumstances? Celek just strolled into the end zone. Like he was taking the dog for a walk.Hey, the Eagles didn't score. Hey, the Bears got a first down! This is unbelievable. Cutler was throwing well before those back to back sacks. It's just... there are so many moving parts.


That's a bad spot but the way things look right now it won't matter. Uh-oh. Fumble? Wow that's close. Wait, what? Did Chip just break the Schwartz Rule? Overturned. Then things just hit a pothole or something. Nice punt. Nice punt coverage. That's a safety, right? Safety!


This Bears defense is utterly exhausted. Well, that's probably that. Bah. Celek fumbled? Now what? Wait, did the Bears lose yards? I could have sworn they were at midfield. Oh, right, the Trent Cole sack.


HALL & OATES! THE BALL FELL OFF THE TEE. Yeah, Trestman was planning something. The Eagles aren't even thinking about throwing the ball anymore. Polk!


Congrats to Cutler for breaking Sid Luckman's record in four years. LOL at "It's kinda sad." Bad throw, Jay. Everybody take the rest of the night off.


Let's say this: This wasn't Cutler's fault. (Eagles 54, Bears 11)

Seriously? The Raiders think they're too good for Candlestick? Always good to see Eddie DiBartolo in the house. I have to say I never liked the Stephen Jackson signing for the Falcons — just seemed like he had too many miles on him to be what they wanted him to be. Wait, Matt Ryan's already completed five passes? Kaepernick hasn't had a great year but he's played better recently. How did Ryan not cross the line of scrimmage? I mean, he didn't, but how? Nice throw and good blocking downfield. I don't know about that call. Looks like Whitner hit him clean. Touchdown.(And yes, I know I just pooh-poohed the Jackson signing. Shut it.) Sure Ryan's outplaying Kaepernick so far but the Falcons have only put one decent drive together. Until this one, that is. The 49ers can't afford to forget that the Falcons do still have Roddy White (hobbled though he may be) and Harry Douglas, as well as that Gonzalez dude. Just that quickly we're tied. The Niners needed that. That's an awful pass interference call


There's Kaepernick going up the left side again. More touchdowns. Remember when I mentioned Roddy White earlier? Did something happen on that big Hunter run that I missed? I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here. I'll tell you what: It's been a miserable season for the Falcons but they haven't quit at all. Gonzalez! What? Hmmm... probably should have been offsetting.


This is what about 98% of TV commentators don't understand. They're going onside kick even with the penalty? Hmmm. Whoa! Great play by Snelling on the onside kick! Are the Falcons actually going to pull this off? NOPE. The 49ers sent the house and somehow got to the receiver. That's it, probably.
This is the longest 1:28 ever. Harbaugh's, like, about where they place the ball for the snap. Get out, sir. This is all very unnecessary.

(49ers 34, Falcons 24)


RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (12-3) — Picked off by the Cardinals? Really?
2. Denver (12-3) — Peyton takes his record back
3. Carolina (11-4) — Cam clutch
4. San Francisco (11-4) — Farewell, palace of ruins

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (4-11) — The trudge continues
30. Cleveland (4-11) — Can we just shut this down?
31. Houston (2-13) — Innocent bystanders
32. Washington (3-12) —Not-so-innocent bystanders

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Thursday, November 15, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Bad Days

Will the Chiefs take a lead? Will there be a Ricky Stanzi sighting tonight? Will Norv Turner get fired if the Chargers somehow lose this game after getting beaten by the Browns four days ago? Will the Chiefs even give themselves a chance to keep this competitive? (Answer: Apparently not.) KC Joyner: "The only way two teams from the AFC West make the playoffs is if the NFL employs the NHL playoff rules this year. Which could be OK since the NHL won't be needing them any time soon." FISTICUFFS! YOU HEARD?! Man, the Chiefs can't even win an on-field donnybrook. Meanwhile, Rivers has yet to throw an incompletion. Three minutes later he's not only thrown and incompletion, but also a terrible interception. Then Weddle muffs the punt but the Chiefs miss a gimme field goal.


Hey, they're using Jamaal Charles! Well, that predictably fizzled out.


And there's not much on that clock, either. (Chargers 31, Chiefs 13)

Signal Finder: DEN @ CIN, CAR @ WAS, MIA @ IND (end), PIT @ NYG

I am interested to see long-term if Griffin is measured against Newton as much as he will be against Luck. Whoa, what are the Redskins wearing? Those are like some retro space-age threads. I dig 'em. Wow, I know neither of these teams are very good, but they're similar in a lot of ways and I expected this game to be closer than it is because of that. Geez, Fox, this was the best game you could bring displaced viewers to? checks scoreboard Oh, I guess it was. My apologies.


We've just had three penalties in a row with two and a half minutes left in a game that's probably over. Two of them on third down, even. Apparently no one wants to leave the red zone at this point. That's two Redskins touchdowns wiped out by penalties. Not a lot of "darting" space there, Moose. What was that pass? (Panthers 21, Redskins 13)

That was a bad halftime frame for Mike Nugent - missing a field goal to end the first and getting his kickoff taken back to the house to start the second. Brandon Stokley's still alive? (I asked this question two years ago, one year after this happened.) Also, who had Eric Decker vs. Terence Newman (!!!) as the day's best one-on-one matchup? Newman stopped the Broncos cold in the end zone after Peyton had sliced and diced his way down the field, then he was there on a severe underthrow of Decker on the next drive. Then Decker got him back by getting an interference call on the last touchdown. Good stuff there. (Broncos 31, Bengals 23)

The Steelers literally just got here. (You know the story by now how Sandy's aftermath completely screwed their travel plans.) Wow, Steelers fans are everywhere. That punt was better than Eli's first pass. For whatever reason the Steelers have decided to become a running team again even though they've gone through five running backs this season. It's working so far today, though... set up that touchdown nicely. That pass interference call is dicey. So was the personal foul on Clark for the hit on Cruz in the end zone, but that's the thing about having a reputation.



I don't think the ball broke the plane before Brown's knee hit on this touchdown either. No, it didn't... and they're not overturning it? I don't like that at all. Let's see how the Steelers respond. Wait, what? Oh, that'll get overturned for sure... Ben's arm is clearly coming forward. Really? REALLY? Look. Those of you who've been reading me for any length of time know I'm not That Guy. But these officials just gave the Giants 14 points.




Steelers fans will be bitching about this for weeks and justified as it may be, I don't want to deal with it. And I didn't even mention the clip during the return that also should have wiped out the touchdown. There's another drop by Wallace, by the way. Tynes missing that field goal before the half amuses me. Someone needs to point out that Eli hasn't looked right for at least three games now. Also it's now November and the Coughlin-era Giants have been notoriously bad in November. All these penalties against the Steelers are helping their cause, though. You don't run Isaac Redman outside. Bang! I'M MIKE WALLACE. Good punt return there... are the Giants going to blow this like they almost did last week? Oh my.



I mean, if you're gonna run a fake there, fine (but really, on 4th and 1? Just line up and run the ball. The Giants haven't stopped it yet), but don't run that fake. And of course, the Giants can't capitalize. Man, they look bad going both ways here. The Steelers just pounded it in again - they've completely worn out the Giants, who I don't think are coming back this time. And that's it. Steelers win and tell the refs to suck it in the process. You know what I like about this? Both teams got what they deserved. (Steelers 24, Giants 20)



This thing erupted in the second half.  It was pretty ridiculous. Almost as much as Carson's interception that sealed it. (Buccaneers 42, Raiders 32)



I didn't even know they made dresses that short that flared out at the bottom like that. I mean, I shouldn't have known that, but it just looks a little strange.This is the first time I've actually seen the new opening and I'm nonplussed otherwise. Also, the theme song is still terrible. Already the Cowboys leave points on the field in the red zone - Romo probably could have scored there had he run the ball himself. Of course, Dez Bryant wasn't on the field and they didn't throw to Witten, choosing a 5-5 rookie to target instead. Let the soft fluttering sound of flags waving in the climate-controlled breeze begin. Matt Bryant missed? Really? And Ogletree catches another bomb - he's good for one every six weeks, it seems - but the Cowboys have to kick another field goal, which isn't going to help them win this game. As a penalty takes a Romo interception off the board, it's worth noting that the Falcons are paying more attention to Witten than the Cowboys are. Is it just me, or does the Cowboys' running game go missing for about a month every year? This game is tied and boring at halftime. I expected... more. I'm pretty sure Michael Turner isn't "The Burner" any more. Another miss by the Falcons? What's going on down there? It's taken two and a half quarters for the running backs to break through, and there's Turner with a big one. Touchdown! I didn't think we'd see one of those tonight. The Falcons are owning the middle of the Cowboys' defense. Where was this all game? Ogletree again? Really? Now the Falcons are just chewing up clock. Yep, Orlando Scandrick is still terrible. That's three third downs the Falcons have converted on this drive.




The Cowboys' last three plays were hilarious. (Falcons 19, Cowboys 13)

Somebody's getting crossed off tonight. Let's find out who, shall we? And already the gates have swung open in front of Vick. The Saints' defense is absolutely terrible and they're getting pressure on every play. Well that was a long way to go for nothing. Mark Ingram's been a disappointment so far, so if the trend holds, he'll be a Dolphin in 2015. That field goal attempt was comical. The ball that went off Celek's fingers and got returned for a touchdown was also comical for a lot of the same reasons.



Now Herremans is down?! You have got to be kidding me. Is there a voodoo doll out there somewhere?



What's amazing about this is that the Eagles have run the ball down the Saints' throats so far (poor tackling has helped) and have nothing to show for it but a field goal because they haven't run the ball when it matters most. Also, how did this defense get so bad? Nnamdi's having his worst year ever, Trent Cole hasn't done anything... I can go on but I won't because I'll be sick. Fatigue's probably part of it because, again, Vick's getting crushed every week. Apropos of nothing, Marcus Vick doesn't know how things work:



And now the Eagles have lost the ability to tackle. It's not even halftime and they look absolutely defeated.



Even after the Jackson bomb I have no optimism.  The Saints fumbled the kickoff? And this is why I have no optimism. RUN THE FREAKING BALL. Jimmy Graham just walked past somebody into the end zone and that's probably all she wrote. Wait, what? Riley Cooper just collapsed in exhaustion. Oh, that's a forward pass. It was worth a shot. And it worked! Except, well, you know.



All right, let's do it. crosses off Eagles This is the best possible advertisement for Vick's flak jacket. He's been getting physically crushed all year and hasn't missed any time yet. Although he probably wishes he had. (Saints 28, Eagles 13)

 RANKINGS
TOP 4
1. Atlanta (8-0): Dirty Birds come with bulldozers
2. Houston (7-1): Sort of back on schedule
3. San Francisco (6-2): Stretch run time
4. Chicago (7-1): That was terrifying to watch

BOTTOM 4
29. Tennessee (3-6): Time to go back to Locker
30. Jacksonville (1-7): Gabbert was OK for once
31. Cleveland (2-7): Missed opportunities
32. Kansas City (1-7): How did these guys pull a Monday night game? Seriously


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Thursday, August 11, 2011

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: The Cliffhanger

The post right underneath this one says that the rest of last year's postseason will be posted when the lockout ends. Well, the lockout's over. And since I am a man of my word, here it is.

(My file for the conference title games got corrupted and I both can't and don't really want to reconstruct the whole thing almost from scratch. All you need to know is that Todd Collins took meaningful snaps in a conference championship game in 2011 and that Mark Brunell almost did. And I don't think I need to tell you who they played for and what happened to them.)

Onward.

Last time, in the National... Football League:

And it's time for the Reading of the Historical Document. I didn't get this last time, either.

Big D, Big D, big city, big dreams...

No shot we kick off at 6:29. None WHATSOEVER. Christina might still be singing at 6:29.

Did she just repeat the 'twilight's last gleaming' line?

I'm just going to assume we're getting a Fast 5 trailer at some point tonight.

Nice tie, Deion.

No full-body motion chyrons this year? I'm disappointed.

A muffed punt! We got us a situation here. Whose ball is it? Somebody fall on it! Packers hang on to it.

That pass needs to be caught, Jordy.

Not sure I would have thrown it there (and Mendenhall was apparently open)

Nice work by Rodgers to avoid the rush and find Jackson.

GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! Nelson catches basically the same pass he dropped on the first drive.

Bryant McFadden's hurt for the Steelers. That could be bad.

And that could be worse. And it is. Touchdown Nick Collins.

Yep. Ben was hit as he threw it and it hung up there. Collins just had to find it and make sure he caught it.

Now Flozell is down for Pittsburgh? They're out of offensive linemen, aren't they? Seriously, wasn't Nagursky the last guy they had left?

Good omen for GB: No team has ever lost a Super Bowl in which they've returned an interception for a touchdown.

Field goal Steelers. They needed something.

Jarret Bush? Really? Why is Jarret Bush playing in the Super Bowl?

And Rodgers comes back with a laser. If Ryan Clark's a second later, he either knocks that ball down or collides with Polamalu.

Now Woodson's out? That makes what, half the Packers' remaining roster?

Nice misdirection by Ward in the end zone to turn that defender around. Steelers got the touchdown they needed.

I gotta tell you, this is the first Domino's pizza I've had in years, and it's the best Domino's I've ever had by an almost immeasurable margin.

Countdown Live: "Is Fergie wearing shoulder pads? She should stay on the field after halftime. Pack might need her in the defensive backfield."

Ah, there's Usher. I'd heard rumors.

Woodson OUT. That's BAD news for the Pack.

This start isn't much better. Two straight penalties?

Hey, the Steelers ran to the left for once.

Touchdown. We got us a game.

Time out? What?

Why am I seeing a guy named Zombo so much? He just got a big sack, though.

Ladies and gentlemen... Shaun Suisham. Though it's not like the Steelers had much choice — it's 4th and 15. You're not going for it in that spot.

Another time out? Is Mike Martz coaching the Steelers?

Brett Swain? Who is Brett Swain? Is he the Packers' Blair White? Oh, he's replacing Donald Driver, who will also not be returning to this game.

So the Packers are challenging this... why? Wouldn't it be Steelers' ball if it's a catch and fumble? Because that's what it would end up being, wouldn't it?

Fumble! If the Packers turn this into points that might be it. And you can't even really blame that one on Mendenhall — he had it secure and just got crumpled by Matthews and Pickett.

Packers receivers continuing to do their best Arkansas in the Sugar Bowl impression.

Is this a career game for Jordy Nelson? And who thought Jordy Nelson would have a career game in the Super Bowl?

Touchdown Jennings. And I don't think I've ever seen Polamalu look that bad in coverage.

Steelers are working the screens on this drive.

And all to set up for THAT. I'M MIKE WALLACE.

Hey, let's go for two. They can do pretty much anything with Randle El out there. That'll work.

Again, I don't think I've ever seen Polamalu look that bad in coverage. There's no way he's 100 percent, right?

Ohhh, THAT was close. Now the Packers have to kick the FG...

Hottest shoe commercial ever?

Ben hasn't played well tonight but he can erase it all here, and there's certainly precedent for it. (Also, the Steelers could use those two time outs back.)

Bad throw... through Wallace's hands. No contact. Game, set, match.

Brett who? Also, 49ers fans everywhere are sobbing.

"Cheese Stands Alone?" Really, ESPN.com? Really?

(Packers 31, Steelers 25)

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Thursday, November 25, 2010

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Precious Declarations

Posit: You're starting a third-string quarterback on a short week of preparation. You're also starting your backup center at center and your third-string center at guard. Your left tackle has a shoulder injury. So your backs run the ball six times? Whatever. The thing with Marshall and Cutler on the sideline: I was listening to Mike and Mike Friday morning and that seems to stem from when Marshall wanted out of Denver, Cutler either told Bears management not to bring him in or didn't really lobby for it one way or the other. REVENGE FOR 1985. Ska: "Jeff George's phone line is open. Just sayin'." (Bears 16, Dolphins 0)

Signal Finder: GB @ MIN, WAS @ TEN (end), OAK @ PIT, HOU @ NYJ (end); IND @ NE

Well, the old Raiders have resurfaced. And the Raider DNA has clearly infected Richard Seymour, who really should know better. I don't care if Ben said to you whatever Marco Mazzeratti said to Zidane. YOU DON'T DO THAT. It's hilarious and sad reading the message boards and seeing people praise Seymour for knocking Ben down and connecting it to the alleged sexual assault stuff (like one had anything to do with the other), proclaiming "The Silver and Black is back!" (The outlaw cheap shot artists? Sure) and talking about how that's how a man handles it when someone 'gets in his face' (A real man picks his battles, and punking out the opposing quarterback after his team's scored 21 points on you in the first half is not a battle you pick. Even if you win, you lose.) Get. Out. There's another touchdown. Wait... what? WHAT?! Then the false start happens and the Steelers fans are still booing the last call. Then Farrior comes FLYING offside. That's what, four straight penalties? It's chaos out there. Gradkowski? What happened to Campbell? Doesn't seem to matter much today as there's another turnover. Cable should probably bench the people responsible for the running game going to crap. I'M MIKE WALLACE. This is officially out of hand. (Steelers 35, Raiders 3)

Oh, we've been switched. I don't think this is a touchdown. Of course, I've been wrong before. Like now, for instance. Edwards down the sideline! Oh no. Not again. YES. AGAIN. And the crowd ERUPTS. crosses off Texans Seriously, two weeks in a row? Their collective psyche just exploded. (Jets 30, Texans 27)

GUNSLINGER. This could get ugly fairly quickly now. What's with Favre on the sideline? Did Childress threaten to bench him again? Who gets the ball first in the second half? The Packers? Oh, yeah, this could definitely get ugly. These kids playing corner for the Vikings are so overmatched here it isn't funny. You just have to hope they learn from this, although I'm not sure a shouting match with the defensive line will help matters. Matt Flynn lives! Yeah, we're done here. That it ended this way seems... fitting, somehow. (And if you're Childress, what do you do with Favre knowing that neither one of you's coming back next year?) We going to Nashville? Yep. (Packers 31, Vikings 3)

And apparently we should have arrived in an ambulance. Who is Rusty Smith? Anybody? AGAINST: The Redskins' yellow pants. Hey, that Donovan McNabb doesn't run a bad two-minute drill. There's Brandon Banks! Gano missed? Was that short? Yeah, it was, and an ugly kick to boot, looking at the replay. That's no way to treat a former teammate, Will Witherspoon. Try this one, Graham. That's more like it. (Redskins 19, Titans 16, OT) crosses off Vince Young's Tennessee Titans career

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bad throw by Peyton, but Sanders had to make a nice play to get to it. But with the Colts' offense running practice-squad guys out there, it really shouldn't have come to that. (Patriots 31, Colts 28)

Forget the Pac-10... can we trade the NFC West for the WAC? (Chiefs 31, Cardinals 13; Falcons 34, Rams 17; Saints 34, Seahawks 19; Buccaneers 21, 49ers 0)

Vick's been getting hit more than he's been used to this year. Oh boy. Avant just dropped that one. Nice to see the Eagles have revived the goal-line offense they used against the Colts. It should really be about 24-3 right now. And that does include the blocked field goal. When's the last time you saw that? (Two weeks ago?) Possibly. Aw, jeez. Hobbs missed the second half of last year with a neck injury, too. Move something! Hope he's OK. This is what happens when you settle for field goals against good teams. Vick turns it over on a picture-perfect strip by Tuck. So much of this game is about getting the little things right. Derek Hagan? Who? Nice footwork in the back of the end zone, at any rate. Still plenty of time here, and you have to think the Eagles think they can hit something on this Giants defense. Fourth and 1 with Vick? You go for it. Touchdown! Vick got blown up but the ball — and McCoy — were LONG gone. It's now officially typical Eagles-Giants — an almost-fumbled snap on 4th and 1 turns into the go-ahead touchdown. There's another pick for Samuel. What happened? He fumbled? Bradshaw skullcrushed that thing out of there. That's exactly how you do that. At least the Giants didn't pick up any yards. Oh, come on, you can't let Eli pick this up running. FUMBLE? Yeah, looks like it. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Mannings don't make money with their feet. And people complain that Vick doesn't slide... Eli dropped and rolled like they teach you how to do when your body catches fire. That ball's out. You see that graphic where the Giants have 14 turnovers in their last four games against the Eagles? That's just brutal. (Eagles 27, Giants 17)

This is where I remind all of you — after reminding myself — that Kyle Orton's done this before. He did this every week at Purdue for years. Dude would've been a Heisman finalist his senior season if he hadn't gotten banged up and missed three games. On the other side, you look at some of the guys Philip Rivers is throwing to and you wouldn't be wrong to wonder if "San Diego" isn't preceded by "University of." Are the Chargers starting to heat up? And does it really matter in the end? We've seen this movie before. As far as current events go, this turned into an absolute thrashing. Rivers just threw another touchdown pass. (Chargers 35, Broncos 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (5-6, W1): The various beatdowns gave me a 30-point win and kept me in the playoff chase.

JackSux (4-7, L1): So we were already off to a rollicking start as I picked up the Bears' defense for the sole purpose of playing them against Tyler Thigpen — and Yahoo and I both forget to actually put them into the starting DEF slot on the roster page, costing me 23 points from the jump. THEN I somehow forgot to start Greg Jennings. So that's 59 points on the bench and Jay beat me by 41. I don't deserve to make the playoffs doing stupid crap like that.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. N.Y. Jets (8-2) — Good teams find ways
2. New England (8-2) — Defense will cost them at some point
3. Green Bay (7-3) — Overlooked and underappreciated
4. Philadelphia (7-3) — Is this when the separation starts?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-7) — Going nowhere fast
30. Buffalo (2-8) — An aberration?
31. Cincinnati (2-8) — You can't let the Bills do that to you. You just CAN'T
32. Carolina (1-9) — I'm sure Chris Weinke's not busy
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Saturday, October 30, 2010

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Late Shifts

(Apologies for how late this is; all the overtime I've been working this month finally caught up to me.)

Signal Finder: PHI @ TEN, PIT @ MIA, BUF @ BAL (end regulation), NE @ SD

Here's the thing: Once the official signals touchdown, the play's over. And the only way the Dolphins would have gotten the ball is if the officials had made the correct call the first time — even if they'd said Ben was down by contact at the 1 or whatever, if you review that, you end up with the same result. I don't know. It's tough. Of course, the Dolphins make it a moot point by running one of the saddest two-minute drills I've ever seen. Mike Tomlin: "We will take it and exit stage left." (Steelers 23, Dolphins 22)

DeAngelo Hall:Jay Cutler::Ronde Barber:Donovan McNabb::Ty Law:Peyton Manning. Discuss. (Redskins 17, Bears 14)

Kerry Collins? This ought to be... interesting. Fumble! Interception? Well that was pointless. Anybody else dizzy after the modified flea-flicker to Cooper (who could have a future as a poor man's Ed McCaffrey)? Oh no. Good job by Anonymous Titans Lineman No. 2 to blow that play up three yards behind the line — that handoff had no chance. And it turns into a six-point swing and possibly more. Nice return by the rookie Jorrick Calvin (who'll be filling in for DeSean Jackson in the return game.) Figuring out how to stop Kenny Britt would help, y'know? And there he is loose in the secondary again. And again. And AGAIN. I'd suggest modifying the coverage but it may be too late at this point. I would like to point out that the game was actually much closer than the final score. The Eagles' game plan defensively was to make somebody not named Chris Johnson beat them... and that's exactly what happened. (Titans 37, Eagles 19)

Fun fact: The Browns have beaten the reigning Super Bowl champion in each of the last three seasons. (Browns 30, Saints 17)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Ravens 37, Bills 34, OT

Are you kidding me with that kickoff? Did that even cross midfield? OK, let's... let's decipher this one. Guy makes the catch, goes down, gets up, starts clapping, and a Patriot picks up the loose ball because he was never ruled down?! The Chargers are becoming the AFC's Cowboys. Seriously, guys, PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Chargers have made some absolutely fatal mistakes in the first half and are miraculously only down by 10. I'm not sure what that means. The days of the 30-40-yard pass play in New England appear to be over. If the Chargers can work their way to a touchdown here, they're still in this game. And there it is. More so than ever, this offense needs Gates to be its rock. Onside kick! Is this happening? I don't recognize these people. Ajiri-what? If the Patriots manage to blow this... Going for it on 4th and short in your own territory again, Belichick? Calling a terrible play while going for it on 4th and short in your own territory again, Belichick? (Seriously, a handoff three yards deep in your backfield on 4th and 2 when you can't run the ball is Not Smart.) A false start? Way to make the kicker's job even harder. CLANG! Ladies and gentlemen, Kris Brown, the least clutch kicker EVER. (Patriots 23, Chargers 20)

You know how I said earlier that the Eagles-Titans game was closer than the score indicated? This one was the exact opposite. The Raiders shouldn't be doing that to anyone. And how does Tom Cable not run the score up here? Is he not the complete jackass I thought he was? (Raiders 59, Broncos 14)

Um, why isn't Childress challenging this one? Anybody? Bernard Berrian lives! I don't think he got in. You see that, Childress? That's what you do when a crucial call on the field looks questionable. That's close. OK, they've probably just delayed the inevitable but whatever. What, again? Ohhhh, I don't know about that one. That's a lot like the Calvin Johnson play in Week 1 that the Lions didn't get and that's why this one got overturned also. The league needs to clarify that or something. It's like both defenses showed up at the start of the game, left, came back just before halftime and have now left again. GUNSLINGER. Seriously, who was that to? We've seen a couple of really bad kickoffs today. Favre can barely walk out there right now. He might have to come out. I love how there are three Packers in the vicinity and no one even thought to put a body on Moss. And the defenses are back in the building. TOUCHDO- hang on, no. That's not a touchdown. They're reviewing this, right? Oh, good. Yeah, Harvin's second foot is clearly out of bounds. (Packers 28, Vikings 24)

Let's see if this Cowboys team has anything resembling a backbone. That's an encouraging start and a rare forced turnover. The Giants are struggling at the outset. Did Coughlin really burn both his challenges in the first quarter? Dez! When the ball's inside the 10 you're supposed to signal fair catch and run away from — oh, snap. Interesting that Brandon Jacobs seems to have settled down and accepted his new role as the complementary guy. I turn away and five minutes later it's 21-20 Giants and Romo's down on the turf looking like a chalk outline. The linebacker came in untouched! That's just not right. Thirty-one unanswered! I'd say we're essentially witnessing a live execution but the victims have clearly left the building. They're not even trying anymore. Eli's numbers will look really good but his receivers let him down a few times — at least two of the picks he threw went right through his guys' hands. Hmmm. Fourth and goal from the 6, down 18, 8:30 left, and the worst kicker in the league is on your roster, making this far from a lock. Do you go for it? Apparently. What the... now we've had three turnovers in the span of six plays. This is getting ugly. Didn't this exact same thing happen in San Diego yesterday? That field goal should seal it. Or not, as Felix Jones just outran almost every Giant defender on the field. Seriously, this can't happen. Phew. I mean, the Cowboys just didn't deserve to win after quitting for most of the second half. (Giants 41, Cowboys 35)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (2-5, L1): The Ryan Mathews situation is crippling me. As is the fact that the rest of my team also sucks.

JackSux 7 (2-5, L1): And it happens AGAIN. Rob's brother got his second-best point total of the season against me.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Jets (5-1) — It doesn't get any easier
2. Pittsburgh (5-1) — It's like he never left
3. New England (5-1) — Warts and all, they're still not an easy out
4. Baltimore (5-2) — Ed Reed's return is a big lift

BOTTOM 4:

29. Carolina (1-5) - Well, it's something
30. Dallas (1-5) - Truly a rudderless ship
31. San Francisco (1-5) - It's rare to find two No. 1 overall quarterback busts on the same roster
32. Buffalo (0-6) - Showing a pulse?
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Thursday, December 10, 2009

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 13: Rise Up

O CANADA. Seriously, what's happened to Braylon Edwards? Any chance the Jets bring him back? Mark Sanchez clearly needed more sliding lessons. (Jets 19, Bills 13)

Signal Finder: PHI @ ATL, WSH @ NO (the last two minutes except for the final 32 seconds – WTF Fox), DAL @ NYG, SD @ CLE

Look, it's one thing to go cross-country and lose to a team that bad. But to have them come into your house and do that to you? Really? “I thought it was the Super Bowl loser who was supposed to be cursed.” Even so... I can't do it yet. But the Steelers are in “Act of God” territory now. (Raiders 27, Steelers 24)

The pace of this game seems really frenetic early, especially on the Falcons' side. Redman's acting at about two times speed. Well, here he comes. That reaction is decidedly mixed. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. It's the Leonard Weaver show! You know Moose enjoyed that. One thing I'm seeing right away is how on the ball the Eagles' defenders are. Very few runs after catches going on here. Why are the Eagles in the shotgun on their own 2-yard line? Oh. Peters is hurt again? He's becoming this year's Elton Brand. You know who's still good is Tony Gonzalez. The Falcons are finishing drives like they're the Redskins. I think you try to punch it in, too, because like Moose said, you make this, it's a one-score game. I might have called a different play, though, especially since they did that three times and didn't score. DENIED! Not even close. That's putting the hammer down and might be a game-changer. Is Andy going for it here? Well then. Touchdown Michael Vick. Has any other Falcons wide receiver caught a pass today? Smith's going to go for it again here, as he probably should at this point in the game. Oops. Sheldon jumped that route like he was Asante. Now the crowd wants Vick. This went well. (Eagles 34, Falcons 7)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Bears 17, Rams 6. Aside: How did Dick Stockton get stuck with this dog of a game? This matchup had Ron Pitts written all over it.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: The Meachem play is not only the “C'MON, MAN!” Play of the Year, it also sums up the Redskins in a nice little 30-second package. Twenty-three yards? And it wasn't even close! If the Redskins lose this game they should cut Suisham immediately. And of course the Saints go right down the field and score. Meachem was five yards behind the secondary. Really, Channel 29? You're not going to show me overtime? I think the only reason they were able to overturn the Sellers play in OT was that the Saints didn't take off and run with it after recovering it for whatever reason. It's GOOD! (Saints 33, Redskins 30)

This wouldn't be happening if Bill Belichick was still alive. (Dolphins 22, Patriots 21)

On the one hand, a Cowboys loss precipitates their annual December downfall. On the other hand, a Cowboys win buries the Giants, and I'd really like to have them out of the way as early as possible. Nice to see Roy Williams show up tonight. The Cowboys have been in control for the most part and yet they're only up three after the nice catch by Nicks. There's the Brandon Jacobs that's been missing, well, most of this season, to be brutally honest. You know how some animals are dangerous when cornered? That's what the Giants remind me of here. This is starting to look like a repeat of '06 when the Cowboys lost the ability to run the ball. Of all the adjectives that have been used to describe Jacobs, “fast” has never been among them. Has Romo really thrown 50 passes? (Giants 31, Cowboys 24)

They couldn't have moved Pats-Dolphins back to the late CBS slot? This is all we've got? Weaksauce. This apparently got interesting late. (Chargers 30, Browns 23)

Yeah, that's a touchdown. “Three feet?” Is that legal? I could see the Vikings sorely missing Winfield tonight. I mean, you can't double two guys. And it's coming true as Warner and the receivers are just lighting this defense up. You know two words I haven't heard all night? Adrian Peterson. The Cardinals have shut him down like I don't think anyone has. GUNSLINGER. GAH! The Henderson injury is giving me Tim Krumrie flashbacks. I'm not sure I expected this. That Warner kid's pretty good. (Cardinals 30, Vikings 17)

This is the first MNF game in Green Bay in December? Odd. No Ed Reed? That's dicey. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, Rodgers has time to throw again. And he's not using too much of it, either. How does Finley keep getting open? LOL at Washington getting shoved out of the end zone stands. Wait, what? That didn't hit the ground? Wow. It's like the Antonio Freeman play in reverse. Willis McGahee lives! I've seen fewer flags at the United Nations. Just turn around and wave at the ball. Is it really that difficult? Also it wasn't very smart of Mason to grab Woodson and push him away when he was about to overrun the route anyhow. (Packers 27, Ravens 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (8-5, W4): We didn't get a lot from Derrick Mason on Monday night, but we got enough to beat the Fire Island Ferries and secure the No. 4 seed in the playoffs. We brought in Justin Fargas to take Ronnie Brown's roster spot, and signed Mike Wallace for Hines Ward insurance, but our real question will be at quarterback: Favre or Palmer?

JackSux 6 (9-4, L2): Lost to the Original Pulp Heroes again after Rodgers' big night. I probably won't lose the top seed (I'm 150 points ahead of the top second-place team, so the tiebreaker likely won't go into effect) but I need to right this ship with one week left in the regular season and three 8-5 teams behind me.

Lincoln Continentals (11-2, W5): And here I was worried because late pickup Justin Forsett got hurt on Friday and I never reset my lineup. This was a crushing the likes of which I don't think I've ever put on anyone. My opponent had Shaun Hill at QB, who hasn't played in a month. Anyway, playoffs. Top seed here, and I'm facing Charlie in the first round AGAIN.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (12-0) – Entirely too close a call

2. Indianapolis (12-0) – 12 > 5

3. San Diego (9-3) – That Philip Rivers is so hot right now

4. Minnesota (10-2) – Speed bump

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (1-11) – You're supposed to pull the QB after the fourth interception

30. Detroit (2-10) – Not historically bad, just dreadful

31. St. Louis (1-11) – Steven Jackson deserves a medal

32. Cleveland (1-11) – Worse than last year's Lions. Seriously.

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 1: The First One's Always the Hardest

Who's running down Chris Johnson? Really? Wow. The run of tequila jokes was... odd. Polamalu's flying all over the place. I don't think the weather would have made a difference on that one – Bironas just hit it badly. Are you kidding me with that interception? Well, that was helpful. Blocked! Bironas is not having a good night. Great throw by Ben on the touchdown. … PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Steelers' running game is nonexistent, and that's bad. How much did Sears pay Favre to agree to do that ad? You know who's quietly had a big game is Justin Gage. I wonder who Arians was referring to when he said he didn't want to 'ruin' Ben like he ruined someone in college. The Titans need to cover better. WHAT. OVERTIME (barely). I'm not sure I completely agree with Collinsworth's insistence that you just go down in Ward's spot. The Steelers should just pass on this third down. Ben's got a guy wide open in the left flat and he doesn't see him. I'M MIKE WALLACE. (Steelers 13, Titans 10, OT)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ HOU, PHI @ CAR, DEN @ CIN (end), WSH @ NYG, SF @ AZ (end)

You see this? You see why I was worried about the Eagles' defense? Wow. First and goal from the 1 and the Panthers can't do anything right. Or not. That was a sick cutback. That's why you're not starting, Quintin Demps. Nice pick by Sheldon. Now call the next play before they challenge it. … Uh-oh. If you're a Panthers fan you've gotta be wondering if Jake's having flashbacks. As nice as this is the defense has to be a bit tired in the heat. Is this GM commercial with the new CEO supposed to rhyme? … Let's see if the offense can help. Hey, a Brian Westbrook sighting! There you go. This doesn't look like a fumble. And it's not. Throw the flag, Andy! (I can't believe I just said that.) That's better. I was about to say we hadn't heard Jon Beason's name mentioned at all yet and then that happens. Wow. Jake is melting down like Serena Williams. Donovan's been running an awful lot today. Get up. GET UP. breathes sigh of relief And now I've lost sound on FOX. Kevin Kolb lives! And hopefully that's just a “let's not take any more chances and get him out of there because it's 38-10” move. Josh McCown? Really? And why is Matt Moore in the game now? Did McCown get hurt on that sack? (He did.) That's the second time Cole's blitzed from the middle untouched. I enjoyed the timing of Hanson's interception. That was interesting. (Eagles 38, Panthers 10)

That's probably the worst play to call when you're going for two. (Colts 14, Jaguars 12)

Touchdown! Good job, Mark. Of course it helps when the defensive back simply doesn't cover the receiver. The Jets are doing some funky creative things on offense. I like this playcalling. And the fans have turned violently on the Texans. If this defense can keep this up, David Harris is going to become a star. Thomas Jones is cutting loose now. (Jets 24, Texans 7)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close (or this high-scoring): Ravens 38, Chiefs 24

Having seen these highlights, I'm glad that was all I saw. Cedric Benson lives! Who'd have ever thought that you could be rehabilitated by joining the Bengals? Royal should've taken the touchback there. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! And then he cuts across the field to kill time! That's such a Bengals way to lose. (Broncos 12, Bengals 7)

Last year it only looked strange. This year it looks wrong. Meanwhile, Quinn looks shaky. And what Peterson's doing to the Browns' defense just feels wrong. It's almost like they're afraid to try and tackle him sometimes. Touchdown Browns! I mean, it had to happen sooner or later. (Vikings 34, Browns 20)

The Giants seem to be wisely taking the “spread the ball around” approach that has been so effective for the Eagles over the years. How about Hunter Smith showing off some wheels? Hey, if he's a Redskin, who's punting for the Colts these days? The Giants' defense is downright terrifying with Osi back. (Giants 23, Redskins 17)

“The Inconvenient Truth?” Really, Rich Eisen? Really? It seems strange to say that a Week 1 win in Arizona is a big win for anyone but it might be in this case. (49ers 20, Cardinals 16)

Earl Bennett, ladies and gentlemen! These offensive lines are getting used and abused. I didn't even recognize half the Packers'. Three to two. That's more like it. It's either a classic Bears-Packers defensive standoff or both these quarterbacks are off. Probably some of both, I'm sure. Oh, Jay. What was that. I know Garrett Wolfe's not a tall man, but Brandon Chillar jumping over him to wreck Cutler was pretty good. Cutler's been pretty awful, but Rodgers hasn't been great. WTF fake punt? Nice coverage on Jennings at the end. (Packers 21, Bears 15)

U.S. OPEN INTERLUDE: I don't know if tall guys like del Potro (6-foot-6) are the wave of the future in the sport, but as Andy Roddick pointed out after he lost to John Isner (6-9) it's hard to defend against a serve from a guy that size because it's coming at you from an angle that you're just not used to. And if you've got a tall guy who can actually move around and cover the court, their reach gives them a few more inches to get to shots.

AGAINST: The throwback referee uniforms. I see T.O. didn't bring his hands to Buffalo. Moss shows you how you do that. Fred Taylor lives! Aaron Schobel with the interception? LINEMEN RUNNING WITH THE FOOTBALL. I love it. The Bills look inspired. … Did Belichick really go for it on fourth down there? I don't agree with that at all. They've got plenty of time. That's a well-run screen play. Touchdown! Are the Bills actually going to pull this off? Nice throw to Watson. The Pats aren't done yet, folks. Kicking it deep is interesting. Probably a coin flip either way. Look at all those red jerseys converging on him. Wow, he got drilled. FUMBLE! McKelvin should've taken the touchback there... did you see that slight moment of hesitation? Better to err on the side of caution if you're not sure, and he didn't look like he was. Also, like Gruden said, the return's not set up because the Bills might not have been expecting the Pats to kick it deep. And you know what's gonna happen now. Seriously, what higher power did the Bills offend? (Patriots 25, Bills 24)

I disagree with the reversal on the Murphy touchdown – I don't think he loses possession until after he hits the ground. You know who's good is Zach Miller. Is Heyward-Bey even playing? Nobody's evebn mentioned him. Really, Philip? Really? How about Russell throwing down on two guys. Here come the penalties – same old Raiders. Fourth and 15? Really? Wow! We've seen some of the worst blown coverages this week. Where's Tomlinson? Is there not a sideline reporter at this game? You know who's quietly had a big game is Legedu Naanee. The Lightning Bug! Was he even touched? That's such a Raiders way to lose, but they actually looked like they knew what they were doing out there. On the other hand, if I'm a Chargers fan, I'm concerned. (Chargers 24, Raiders 20)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (1-0): It's good to have Drew Brees. Especially when Andre Johnson, Willie Parker and Ronnie Brown all lay eggs.

JackSux 6 (1-0): Another win, this one led by my stable of Colts. (even though McNabb somehow had more fantasy points than Peyton)

Lincoln Continentals (1-0): This one I almost forgot about. It's a 20-team league on Facebook with a couple guys from my other online leagues and a bunch of strangers. The autodraft yielded me three kickers. I'd rather not rehash that. What I will rehash is this: It's good to have Drew Brees, even though nobody else on my roster managed to score a touchdown.
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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Wings of Steel II

- Whoa, that's Brenda Warner? I haven't seen her since the last time Kurt was good. She grew her hair out and dyed it blonde and looks about 12 years younger.

- Heh. Did you see Kurt get startled and turn his head real quick when the military detail was announced?

- No way this thing starts before 6:35.

- A "Sell Avon" spot? Really? Really?

- Twelve straight coin flip wins for the NFC? Rigged.

- 6:33. Well, lost that one.

- Ward's knee looks fine to me. Hey, nice pass coverage!

- Ben's rolling out really far back. Is he gonna take it himself? DING. Hmmm. Looking at the replays I don't think he made it. And it gets overturned. Now what? Yeah, kick it.

- The "Jr." is a nice touch for this game.

- Washington catches one of those seemingly every game. Nice job by Rodgers-Cromartie to run that down.

- Doritos II: At least he survived the bus crash. The first one was better though.

- Russell's definitely in.

- Well, you knew you weren't going to hold this offense down forever.

- That's actually an interesting video package on Warner's feet getting stepped on all the time in those situations.

- You gotta be kidding me. Wait there's a flag? It's AGAINST THE CARDINALS? That's unbelievable. Harrison was down in exhaustion for about two minutes.

- They're looking at this. I don't think he steps out. You watch that, and you see he almost gets knocked down by his own guy at about the 30, then he breaks two diving tackles, almost steps out of bounds, then lands on Fitzgerald - who was about two steps behind him for half the run - in the end zone.

- WTF at Bruce's intro. "Put the chicken fingers DOWN!" Careful down there! Watch the edge of that stage! Wow, I figured they'd close with "Born to Run". This is the new one right here. And I figured they'd open with "Glory Days". I should've booked this set. Seriously. I do dig the swinging guitars at the end. This was good. Lots of energy.

- That wasn't Scorsese in a Denny's commercial, was it? Man, times are tough.

- Yeah, that's the right call. So the Cardinals get a third challenge, I believe, since they won their first two.

- I'm watching Holmes count his players on the field, and I'm wondering what happens if there are too many guys. I assume he calls a time out, but how long does it take for him to tell them why?

- And here are the Cardinals we know and love. That's two awful penalties. And there's a third? What? He ran over the holder? You gotta be kidding me! How does that even happen? Oh. The Cards are lucky the Steelers didn't get a touchdown there 'cause this game's over if they had.

- Careerbuilder.com has taken a commanding lead. That one was in danger of going on too long before they hit you with "and you sit next to this guy."

- Warner only weighs 203? That'd make him the smallest QB in the league, right?

- I'm not sure about the PI on Hood. I think the ball's there; I don't think he got there early.

- Lots of passing on this drive (because the Cardinals ran the ball in about four games this season, and they damn sure weren't doing it against this defense.) Heck of a time for a Jerheme Urban sighting. Or J.J. Arrington. Fitz has hops.

- You know who's been big in this game is Breaston. (And you know who's done almost nothing is Boldin.) And that's a bad holding penalty.

- Punting's the best move. That's too far for Rackers and the odds are against you on 4th and 20.

- The hell is Harrison doing?

- That's an odd play call, going play action there. That second burst, that forward fall, may have gotten Parker out of the end zone but I'm not sure. That's a sick catch by Holmes. Wait, what? HOLDING IN THE END ZONE! That's two points, people. Yeah, you can't take the guy down like that.

- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! There was a massive gap in that zone and Warner threw it right to that gap. Also, who knew Fitzgerald was that fast? Where are my canned goods?

- Why is the Steelers' fullback returning kickoffs? It wasn't a squib.

- All right, Ben. Here it is. Santonio! SANTONIOOOOOOOO. How does he get so open there? Oh, his man fell down. You know who we haven't heard much from tonight is Hines Ward. That one was too high. Holy crap. They'll be looking at this one. Oh, he's got it. He's got that.

- They at least gave that a passing glance, right? I mean, I doubt it would have mattered in the end but it'd be nice to know.

- Holmes is the MVP? I'm fine with that. I think he's scored a touchdown in every playoff game he's played in. Let me check. Yep, he sure has.

- Three of the Steelers' six Super Bowl MVPs have been wide receivers, which seems strange considering their reputation for defense and running, but those offenses, especially during the late 70's, could be explosive at times.

- I'll say mostly the same thing I said after 38: I will not call this the best Super Bowl I've ever seen - the last one Warner was in was a better overall game. And 23 (Niners-Bengals II) remains second - that last drive was art, a master at work. I'll put this in the second tier, with Elway's first win and Rams-Titans. Had it gone to overtime, maybe it's a different story.

FINAL RANKINGS:
1. Pittsburgh - Survived the crucible
2. Baltimore - Probably would've gotten the same result
3. Arizona - Can they avoid the letdown fall?

30. Kansas City - Todd Haley, come on down?
31. Cleveland - Jumping on Mangini immediately was... odd
32. Detroit - I say this every year. This time I absolutely mean it. TRADE. THE. PICK.
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: House Money Plays

Signal Finder: BUF @ NYJ, TB @ ATL, TEN @ HOU (end), PIT @ BAL

Part of the problem is that the Jets can't tackle Lynch. Which is good for the Bills since Losman really hasn't been very good at all. GUNSLINGER. Who am I talking about there? That kickoff return TD getting called back is a killer. And that Jackson touchdown is a crusher. Man, the Jets fans have absolutely turned on them. Listen to those boos. What the... why is Losman dropping back to pass? Lynch was running through the Jets' defense like it was butter. Sweet Jebus. MIRACLE AT THE MEADOWLANDS 3. (This is 2, because you're going to ask.) Oh, the referee got clocked during the scrum? I wondered what was going on there when Gumbel remarked on him and Favre joking around on the sidelines afterward. This should never have happened. (Jets 31, Bills 27)

Are these signs of life from the Chargers? And does it matter? (Chargers 22, Chiefs 21)

Bad move going for it there, Fisher. That's an easy field goal. Then there was that weird explanation about how he took the wind in the third quarter when he should have taken it in the fourth and he lost me. I mean, maybe it's not that easy a field goal, but I think you can get away with running the ball instead of throwing a medium fly pattern to a receiver who's not very good from a quarterback who's having a bad day. (Texans 13, Titans 12)

I mean... the Lions have been in these games. They just don't have any talent. (Colts 31, Lions 21)

This game got switched on us from Redskins-Bengals and huzzah to that. The announcers calling the Bryant touchdown before it happened - is that good or bad? I didn't expect the Bucs to get run on as badly again as they are today after Monday night. Turner's made life so much easier for Ryan it's not even funny. Wow, they just completely whiffed and missed the guy who blocked that punt. I guess the Falcons are ready to go to overtime. And there's the "contractually we can only keep you here until 4:15" speech, but it might not matter as this has been the fastest overtime ever. It's GOOD. A lot of NFC contenders are very unhappy right now. For the Falcons to look as sloppy as they did and still win is... something. I'm just not sure what. (Falcons 13, Buccaneers 10, OT)

crosses off Redskins (Bengals 20, Redskins 13)

The return game may well be the best weapon to counteract either of these defenses. I'm sure Nantz got it, Phil; he just chose not to acknowledge it. And now you're gonna leave him hanging? "We don't have time." This game is going basically exactly as expected. Really? Ed Reed didn't run that back for a score? I'm stunned. That's a great job by the Steelers to only give up a field goal there. 9-6 seems about right, doesn't it? Look at this drive. That might be the shortest big catch Nate Washington's ever made. How many clutch catches has Ward made in this game. This is "The Drive", isn't it? Didn't that start at the 8? Also these are the old Browns. WHY ARE YOU SPIKING THE BALL?? Wow. Really? I think he's in. Oh, I didn't notice the ball itself; I just thought his feet touched in the end zone. And they change the call. TOUCHDOWN. Harbaugh is displeased. Would they have gone for it on fourth and six inches or whatever? Would you have gone for it? (Steelers 13, Ravens 9)

Way to get the fans back on your side, T.O. Seriously, why has no one ever told him to shut the fuck up? Eli is getting killed out there. Romo's not feeling all that well himself. Can anybody run the ball tonight? Seriously, Eli's getting crushed. I think we've learned that the Giants can't survive without both Burress and Jacobs. See? Winning DOES solve everything. (Cowboys 20, Giants 8)

That's a good start. On one hand, it's nice to see Ken Dorsey getting work. On the other hand, Brian Sipe is two phone calls away. Donte' Stallworth LIVES. See, this is the other thing with Reid and this has always been true: He'll try to get too cute sometimes and end up outsmarting himself. (That said, a better throw and we're not bringing this up.) That's why we pay Samuel the big money. Again with bad things happening right before halftime. This might be the first game all season Braylon Edwards hasn't dropped a pass. How did Lewis get that wide open? Expectations this year for the Browns were, I thought, unrealistic, but they should be better than this. I mean, how do you not score a touchdown in a month even by accident? Well there's one. Put in A.J.! The Eagles could have easily scored 45. (Eagles 30, Browns 10)

FANTASY REPORT

JackSux 5: We have a consolation bracket? Why do we have a consolation bracket? Seriously, I just found this by accident. Not much has changed, though, as the Seagulls still can't score points to save their lives. Up with the big boys, it's Johnny vs. Rob for the title.


RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (12-2) - They certainly didn't need that
2. Pittsburgh (11-3) - Things are officially interesting in the AFC
3. N.Y. Giants (11-3) - Two straight stinkers

30. St. Louis (2-12) - Late-game meltdown was vintage Haslett
31. Kansas City (2-12) - Growing pains, indeed
32. Detroit (0-14) - I got nothin'
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