Showing posts with label Dallas Cowboys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dallas Cowboys. Show all posts

Sunday, November 2, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Same Old, Same Old

I feel like we've been here before. Did Montee Ball get hurt and I don't remember it?




That was... ill-advised. Especially since Rivers hasn't missed many yet. Gates! Keenan Allen scored a touchdown! Stop the presses! This is an interesting call. Carey says fumble... and the on-field refs disagree. Oh well. That was damn near picked off. Jeez, make it any easier, why don't you. I don't know what they're looking at — that's a clean interception. I can read Philip Rivers  lips, and he is not praying. These audibles look panicked, Touchdown Broncos!  Or not? Good spot by either Nantz or whoever saw that. That was a quick review. Sanders again? Comparisons to Eric Decker (who he effectively replaced) keep popping up. The Other Brandon Marshall's been having a real hot stretch.
Floyd caught that! Wow. Allen needs longer cleats. That's at least the second time he's slipped. Good thing they picked that flag up or there would have been two questionable pass interference calls in the end zone on the same drive. Gates again! That felt like it took 36 plays. Don't run it out, Weddle. Jeez. And someone held anyway so it doesn't even count. This feels over — not that it matters but the Chargers have had no running game tonight. Until now, of course. GATES. They missed the field goal? Man, Rivers. Floyd was never open. Go somewhere else next time.




I think we can safely wrap this up. (Broncos 35, Chargers 21)


Tally-ho or something.

Really, any decision Ryan made at that point would have been a bad one — he just happened to choose the worst one. I mean, that was right out of the Book of Favre. On top of that, the Falcons have fumbled about eight times and somehow not lost a single one that I'm aware of. Lot of guys on this Lions offense you've never heard of. Theo Riddick? The Falcons aren't as close as they think they are. They still need about 10 more yards for a reasonable field goal attempt. And they get zero more yards. Splendid. Good punt, though. And in two plays the Lions are in Falcons territory. They're going to blow this, aren't they? DEFENSIVE HOLDING. Well, here we go. Seriously? He MISSED it? Oh, delay of game, which strangely helps the Lions here. And how does that even happen with the clock stopped? Also the snap was bad but really? IT'S GOOD. THE LIONS MADE A FIELD GOAL.




(Lions 22, Falcons 21)

 Signal Finder: SEA @ CAR, BAL @ CIN (end), PHI @ AZ

The Bears' defense has two good players on it, one of which blew out his knee celebrating a sack while down by 25 points. You can blame Jay Cutler for a lot of things, but this game is not one of them. (Patriots 51, Bears 23)


Newton didn't get that. And the spot is closer than I thought he got. They're going for it and I assume it's a Newton sneak. Yep and it's good. Benjamin needs to catch that. That goal-line sequence was... unproductive. What is Thomas Davis doing? Stop running! That was so obviously a pass. A bounce pass, but still a pass. This isn't a good idea either. And yet it worked! Bad snap, the line breaks down, and Newton still gets the first down. That fumble ruins another good Panthers drive. Fouts said it: Neither guy wanted to take the football. Here come the Seahawks? This is why getting so little out of those earlier drives hurts, especially against a team that's reeling. No one was anywhere near Kearse. Lynch lost yardage on that pass. Interception? Interception! Lynch has to catch that. Is he tanking? There have been some dumb turnovers in this game and that's another one.




Wilson just threw a knuckleball that was almost caught. Willson didn't catch that? Oh, Kuechly hit him and knocked the ball out. Lynch has been the worst of Seattle's running backs today — Turbin's completely outplayed him in every aspect. That's another blown quarterback-running back exchange. And that's a bad snap and it's Panthers ball. This game has been terrible. Sherman was back on the punt return? That's some desperation right there. Man, a safety deciding this would have been SO appropriate. BENJAMIN!! And yet again no one can get into the end zone. Russ has this look on his face like "I'm going to have to do this myself again, aren't I?" OH MY GOD A TOUCHDOWN. Harper's hit knocked Willson into the end zone. Another sack! That's it., right? Who called THAT play? (Seahawks 13, Panthers 9)

Oh, Andy Dalton. You're so confounding. That's pretty blatant OPI. A screen pass on 4th and 20, Ravens? That's the same play the Panthers called on 4th and 25. And we all saw how well that worked out. (Bengals 27, Ravens 24)




How in God's name were the Jets favored? I mean, they were only favored by three and odds include a three-point advantage for the home team but they should have been a 12-point dog. Vegas doesn't know everything, people. (Bills 43, Jets 23)

Roof is CLOSED. Is this game in slow motion? The Cardinals are already burning time outs? Myers: "The officials, so far, have been the stars of this game." Well they're the only ones who've done anything. Don't jump. Don't jump. Christ. Wait, that one was on the Cardinals? Why are they punting? You're indoors! That's a big break for the Eagles. Foles beat the blitz and Matthews only had one guy to worry about. Good throw there. Sounds like there's some Eagles fans in the house. I've noticed that Foles always rolls left. The Eagles stay running screens like bosses. Maclin is the anti-DeSean in many ways, including touchdown celebration dances.




And once again, the Eagles can't cover Larry Fitzgerald. This'll be an interesting spot. The Cardinals are going for it because I guess they figure they'll need touchdowns. Got it. And once again, the Eagles can't cover Larry Fitzgerald. Matthews dropped that — it'll be incomplete. Not a particularly effective hold by Peterson. A defense with that guy on it should be better against the pass than this. The hell just happened?





And now the Cardinals are at midfield because no one saw the ball and Cole got flagged for roughing the passer.



I see you, Cooper. What's this challenge now? Also, that's a weak roughing the passer on the Honey Badger. I mean, Foles didn't even bother selling it, that's how bad it was. Now the Cardinals are out of challenges. Oh dear. Bucannon got Maclin with his helmet (which is why it flew off). They're still down. Hey, Foles rolled left. The Cardinals are blitzing like crazy now, and with Cromartie going off, it may continue. Earl Wolff just got steamrolled on that kickoff. I'm... I'm not even surprised any more. The pick wouldn't have mattered. Fitzgerald has made his career on tearing the Eagles to shreds. Does McCoy ever run straight ahead? This has been a strange series. It's gone from bad calls to bad non-calls. Parkey from 54? Good!




That touchdown to Maclin was pretty much perfection. Foles bought time and dropped it in the bucket. The interception, on the other hand... The Cardinals' goal-to-go offense looks like the Eagles'. So. Many. Penalties. Does this play calling seem odd to anyone else? I'm surprised they haven't tried play action here. NOW what do you do? And they've got the whole two-minute warning to think about it. They're kicking the field goal. OK. What.. What.. How? HOW?!?!?! HOW DO YOU LET THAT HAPPEN MY GOD THIS SECONDARY IS THE HOTTEST GARBAGE. Barber: "I don't know how that happened." I'll tell you how it happened, Ronde: You could put on an Eagles jersey right now and you'd be their best defensive back. Always the Cardinals. ALWAYS the Cardinals. YOU HAD ONE JOB. ONE FREAKING JOB.




I don't even care about this last drive because it's not going to work BECAUSE THE FOOTBALL CARDINALS HAVE THE SAME DEVIL MAGIC THE BASEBALL CARDINALS DO, BUT IT ONLY WORKS ON THE EAGLES. (Cardinals 24, Eagles 20)

DAMN YOU PRISON JERSEYS. DAMN YOU. The Steelers' offense isn't the Bengals'. Luck had been red hot but that was a bad pass. That, on the other hand, was a good one. No. 10 got lost in the coverage. The touchdown to Allen was a bullet. That throw to Bryant was so telegraphed and yet so perfect at the same time. Encroachment on a field goal? That's... not good. Pagano is furious.  How did Brown get his hands on that ball to catch it? Phil Sims called Greg Toler one-half of the best cornerback tandem in the NFL, proof that jet lag is real. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger has been a machine this half. Of course, this also means Luck has them right where he wants them. Hilton spun away and got open at the last second. I mean, the Colts might want to find someone who can cover Brown. Also, the Steelers might want to find someone who can cover Hilton. If Luck had gone right he might have made it. That first half was a bum rush. It keeps going! This Martavis Bryant needs to be the Steelers' No. 2 guy ASAP. Hey, Bradshaw scored on an actual run. Who is Donte Moncrief? How did the NBA Live NPCs get into this game? Also I should point out here that the Colts have made this a one-score game and I told you Luck had them right where he wanted them. That flag was in the end zone, wasn't it? What a buzzkill. Roethlisberger just hornswaggled the Colts defense. (Steelers 51, Colts 34)


Did Corey White wear that hat indoors? THAT didn't take long. I don't like the Saints' chances tonight — the only game their defense hasn't been pathetic in was the Vikings win after the Adrian Peterson thing broke. I've said before that commercial bumpers for games in New Orleans should be nothing but street musicians. Brandin Cooks! The Saints have been waiting for that kid. And Eddie Lacy comes right back with a 67-yarder. Packers got a little too tricky with that pass to Peppers. Well that completely backfired.






An onside kick? The hell is McCarthy doing? Hey, good job covering Colston. This may be Colts-Steelers but closer. "These defenses aren't too bad either." No, Cris, they're terrible. Field goals? Come on, guys. Hey a Jimmy Graham sighting! Ingram got smoked. Of course, the Saints were in that no-man's land where you don't love any of your 4th and short options. Rodgers is unhappy about something. Oh, he grabbed his leg. Interception off of a deflection. Now it's the Packers' turn to give up a bunch of big plays. Rodgers probably wishes that series had lasted longer.




The Packers are going to go for this? I mean, it worked earlier. Not even close. Graham!  That felt inevitable. Another forward progress deal? OK. This looks like the end. Rodgers weirdly walked in to the end zone there. You don't often see two terrible onside kicks in the same game but this is where we are. I mean, that one went BACKWARDS. Ingram's run ices it. I didn't think the Packers' defense would end up being the worst one on the field tonight but you can't predict this stuff. (Saints 44, Packers 23)

I'm always up for a good instrumental anthem. Especially after... last night. Harris ran into his own man on that punt return. Wait, now what? I understand nothing.




Hey, there's DeSean beating a Cowboys defensive back. That's never happened before. Unsportsmanlike conduct for that? That seems like a misapplication of the term.




Jesus, Tony, snap the damn ball. And they still didn't pick up the blitz. And Murray's left completely uncovered. Good job, everyone. /sarcasm Dez just fought three guys to score that touchdown. They need to pay that dude. Lot of interesting interpretations of the rules going on here tonight. Any reason DeSean's not getting flagged here? Oh, they both did. I only saw the tail end of that. Those Morris stats with or without Griffin do say something also. Didn't seem to bother him there, though. This has been a surprisingly low-scoring game. Romo almost got victimized by a knockdown there. He just took a SHOT. He's down. Took a knee to the back. That was actually good for the Cowboys that that wasn't a fumble... it may buy them a little time. But not that much.






It's Brandon Weeden time. And that is ALL he needs to do.




That's good coverage by that kid twice on Dez. The Cowboys can't tackle. We've seen far too much of Colt McCoy's parents tonight. Quarterback draw for a touchdown!





That fumble's on Weeden. Nice screen. Real nice. Someone got a sweet block downfield. Hey, nice coverage on Witten, Redskins! One thing I've noticed tonight is McCoy hasn't hit Jackson in stride once. Romo's back in the game? At his own 3? This is moronic.





This has to end with a pick, right? That works, too. Wait, the Cowboys got it back? They can now review this and they're finally going to after 15 seconds ran off the clock. And how was that not intercepted??? They're running out of time, though. "Dork Elvis?" Romo gets cadence calls from Bill Simmons nicknames? That's intentional grounding. I'd have had DeSean back there to return that punt but that's me. Overtime. Excellent catch on the sideline by Jordan Reed. The Redskins have moved the ball on this drive. There's the field goal.




The Cowboys have looked utterly discombobulated since Romo came back in. They deserved this loss.


Also, somebody won a bet. (Redskins 20, Cowboys 17, OT)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Denver (6-1) — It's an easy game, this football
2. Arizona (6-1) — When you've got it, you've got it
3. New England (6-2) — Oh shit, son...
4. Dallas (6-2) — Dr. Jones in the house?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-6) — Just gave up on a former top-10 pick
30. Jacksonville (1-7) — Well that was short-lived
31. N.Y. Jets (1-7) — So long, Geno
32. Oakland (0-7) — At least Derek Carr isn't terrible
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Sunday, October 26, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Lower Management

Oh, Jets. Why do you make it so easy so many times? Their radio guys are... less than enthused. That was a long way to go for that. The Jets can't afford to settle for field goals tonight. As I say that, field goals end up giving them the lead. But only temporarily. Whoa, Sheldon Richardson's in the backfield. A Jets touchdown! Stop the presses! Wait, Gostkowski MADE that? I was sure that was wide left. Geno is down. That... didn't look good. So all that and he only misses one play? That's fortunate, I guess. Maybe he's a really good actor. Danny Amendola LIVES!




We've seen the Jets put together some quality drives tonight but they need a touchdown here. These receivers are highly substandard. Touchdown Jets! That... probably should have worked. I mean, it had a chance.







And what's scary about that is that his explanation almost made sense. Good job by the Jets' offensive players getting out of bounds. They have just enough time to get one more quick pass off. And that's exactly how you do that if nobody's open. Dump it as quickly as possible. 58 yards? Let's see. BLOCKED! That kick looked low. And it was.




I thought that name sounded familiar. (Patriots 27, Jets 25)

Speaking of the Jets, they finally got the alleged playmaker they so desperately needed... about six months too late:




And really, though: Percy Harvin played for Pete Carroll in a state where marijuana is legal and he still couldn't find any chill? This dude needs a shrink.

Signal Finder: CIN @ IND, CAR @ GB, SEA @ STL (2nd half), TEN @ WSH (end), NYG @ DAL

That was an... unfortunate sequence of events for the Panthers. Once Nelson made the move it was over. The Panthers can't stop anything right now. That one was just too easy. The Panthers can't get out of their own way. This'll be over quickly if they can't get sorted. JEBUS. I see why Kuechly's the Panthers' leading tackler — he's the only one who can. Finally, the Panthers are doing things. That's kind of a stupid penalty. At least they survived it. The irony there is a better throw gets intercepted. Lacy didn't even gain any more yards and the Panthers still couldn't bring him down. Then they jump offsides on 3rd down and Lacy uses the shorter distance to break one. There's nothing the Panthers can do. Touchdown to Cobb and this may be a wrap. I'm just gonna assume that "AARON SAYS RELAX" T-shirts are massive sellers in Wisconsin right now. Hey, a stop. This is the Panthers' best drive of the day and they're not even at midfield. Good catch by Benjamin to go up and get it. They need points here. That'll do, I guess. The Panthers have clearly rethought things. Newton with the sneak on 4th and 1... and they don't get it. Aaaand we're headed to St. Louis. (Packers 38, Panthers 17)

So both the Bears and the Buccaneers chose the wrong quarterback? Good to know. (Dolphins 27, Bears 14)


Is the referee putting his contact lens back in? He is! I find that strangely reassuring. So that was a fumble after all. Leon Hall just dropped a pick-six. I don't know where Luck was going with that, either. Careful with those legs, Burfict. That's a good stand by the Bengals — you make Luck run twice in a goal-to-go situation, you'll take that. Every time I've seen the Bengals this year, Gresham hasn't been getting any separation from defenders. Bradshaw! Good job atoning for the fumble earlier. It seems like Trent Richardson's finally starting to figure it out. Another fumble? Bad handoff. Man, as soon as I said it. Of course, the Bengals can't get anything going. A lot happened on that pass to Bernard — was it backwards? Was that hit legal?




Fleener couldn't have seen that; that's the only reason he didn't go get it. Did somebody just get run? Oh, yeah, you can't touch the refs. This may not  be the best time to point out that the Colts are hitting everything in front of them but they are. I'd be shocked if the Bengals' total yards after the catch was more than 10. I'm surprised Allen stayed inbounds. The Bengals are getting overwhelmed on offense. it really does feel like they should be down 30 with how little production they've gotten. This should be a touchdown. Yep — the guy tackling Bradshaw grabbed him by his knee, keeping it from hitting the ground. Dude has six touchdown catches. Sanu! That's the first play the Bengals have made and there's 11 minutes left. They didn't get ANY points? Lord. To D.C.! (Colts 27, Bengals 0)




There was no fair catch signal. Carroll can complain all he wants. A Seahawk slipped on that Cunningham 3rd down run that didn't get there. That is terrible edge defense by the Rams. How do you let Russell Wilson break off a 52-yarder? Offensive holding takes away a touchdown and Lynch's only good run today. That's... a touchdown. Who's this dude? Number three tight end? I'm not a fan of the empty backfield on the two-point conversion, even with a quarterback who can run. I think it limits your options. And it didn't work. Chris Givens? Let me tell you something: I don't want to say if Austin Davis is good or not, but he isn't bad. Did this break the plane? Yes! The problem the Rams had last week was they couldn't sustain it for four quarters. This week they just might. If... IF they can stop this drive, which they haven't yet. How did Kearse get that open? Then he ran through the coverage. Bad tackling by the Rams on the Baldwin touchdown. FAKE PUNT!!!! If nothing else, it bought the Rams some yardage. Best case, it might end the game.




Why did Fisher call time out? Fumble? Who's got it? That's a clean fumble. No way to tell.




Rams ball! That's it! Wow. Carroll looks stunned.




(Rams 28, Seahawks 26)




I don't think we could have expected Colt McCoy to be the one to end the Kirk Cousins era but here we are. Offsetting penalties? So much for that big DeSean catch. That is blatant interference — McCourty's hanging on for dear life, as Harlan described it. Stop yapping, DeSean. How did he not get flagged there? Field goal up. Field goal good. And Colt McCoy has as many wins this season as Kirk Cousins does. (Redskins 19, Titans 17)


Well, Brees looks like he's back. Great catch and body control by that guy to give the Lions the lead. So Brees cooled off in the fourth? Look, if you make him run, that's a win. And there's your stop.




Apparently no one. (Lions 24, Saints 23)

Why so mad, Giants? Three straight runs. Interesting. Fine coverage by the Giants on Escobar. did they forget he was on the field? Antrel Rolle was going in the opposite direction. Also, Romo had three days to throw that ball. Chronicle the saga of the Giants' new offense, won't you, Thom Brenneman? I feel like Giants fans had gotten fed up with Gilbride's predictable scheme and wanted something new.




Well this is interesting. The ground caused that fumble but I don't know about that spot. Now, did Garrett challenge after they measured? It's short. Giants going for it? I'd have the quarterback sneak banked just in case drawing them offsides goes wrong. Aaand it's a false start so it doesn't matter. How are you gonna fine a guy who clearly can't afford underwear? I kid, I kid, the NFL rookie scale is pretty good. The Giants are misfiring in the passing game again. Big pickup by Donnell. They're going for it again? And throwing into double coverage? Pass interference? OK. Hey an Andre Williams sighting. Carr holds Beckham and he still scores. Romo just barely escaped calamity there. Dez fell down is why that interception happened. That return by Prince, though. Murray popped him one at the end to knock him out of bounds. Touchdown Giants.




Careful, DeMarco — you've never played a full season in the NFL. I mean, Romo has so much time at times behind this line. I don't understand the last three minutes of this half. ELI MOTORING. That should have been a fumble. That drive was kind of a waste. Hey, Murray's back in. You have to actually tackle Dez. Romo led Escobar pretty much perfectly on that touchdown.  Aikman's talking about how these quick wide receiver screens didn't work for the Seahawks last week, either. Another wasted drive by the Giants. WHOA that's bright. Romo just said "double move" and then they ran the ball. I'd have gone for it, Garrett. The Giants can't stop them right now. Charissa's report about the sunlight coming in through the usually-closed doors has me thinking of The Hunt For Red October. "Those doors, sir, are the problem." Fumble! Cowboys ball. Pretty much the same thing that happened earlier on the Bradshaw run that they didn't give the Cowboys the ball on. Dez!! They're gonna give him that? Nah, he's down at about the 3. Or the 1. It's all semantics, really. I feel like Eli's had a good game but it won't matter in the end. Well, they've got something cooking here, at least. I mean, this is what this offense is now, especially with no Cruz. Beckham scores and for the moment, we have a game. This is how you run a four-minute drive, and Bailey's not going to miss this field goal. (Cowboys 31, Giants 21)




Dockett's already out for the season. What's he got to lose? (Cardinals 24, Raiders 13)

Those aren't the 49ers' regular left guard and center either. That was easy enough. This would be the place to try a 51-yarder with a 39-year-old kicker, you know. Not even close. That's good concentration by Sanders. Peyton just faked everybody out on that pass to Welker. He's tied! Been quite a few sacks already tonight. Is there any ball Boldin can't catch? Yeah, that's interference, and not good interference, as Boldin caught it before it got knocked out of his hands. Well I guess there's one ball Boldin can't catch.




I have no idea why Harbaugh's challenging this — he's gonna lose 15 yards on the penalty regardless.
That is also a penalty. Peyton fell down after that play fake and for a split second I thought he was going to try to throw it from his back. Wrong Thomas, Peyton. Good job by NBC going to the PA for the announcement.










The Niners are wasting all kinds of time here. I feel like they were unjustly rewarded for that.
Not a good throw by Kaepernick. And Peyton cashes in IMMEDIATELY. The 49ers corners aren't good. And really, they're just outmanned in general tonight and will be until they get some key guys back. Now the Broncos are continuing a 15-year or so tradition of running the ball effectively with guys you've never heard of. Al and Cris are flipping coins up in the booth. Osweiler's in. Were those his career numbers? Also, I see Blaine Gabbert is still crap.




Look, a good prank requires proper planning. Any episode of Night Court should have taught you that. (Broncos 42, 49ers 17)

YOU'RE MY BOY, BLUE. Good Lord, I apologize. That's what the Texans needed and the Steelers didn't. Ben didn't even hold on to the ball all that long — Mercilus was just on him that quickly. Also, Watt straight up abused DiCostanzo. The Steelers' defense is just too old. That's... that's a hell of a metaphor by Timmons just now.




You know who's good is DeAndre Hopkins. I'd go for this if I were the Texans. You've got Arian Foster. And that's how you do that. Watt is unblockable. You know a guy who doesn't get talked about anymore is Brian Cushing, who looked really slow trying to run down Bell just then. Whoa! Someone blew a coverage. This is that kid's debut, I believe. Good start. Wait, is this a fumble? They're looking closely at it. Steelers ball! That did NOT deserve to work. And Fitzpatrick just threw an interception! Timmons is having a rough night. That pass hit him in the head. Touchdown to Bell! JEBUS.










Flea flicker? Shame that didn't amount to anything. Now the Texans are pinned deep. Nice job moving the ball and getting out of there. This is getting overturned — Moore was rather clearly down. Though I do find it interesting that the original call was that the Texans player had stepped out of bounds after picking the ball up. You know who's still good is Andre Johnson. I mean, that's a catch. It's not NOT a catch. THIS one, on the other hand... where's that second foot? Man, I don't know. That's as close as it gets. Oh my God, Hopkins, that was terrible. Tirico's right — why are the Steelers throwing here? The Texans somehow have no time outs left. Is Jim Harbaugh coaching tonight? And here's why... the Texans just went down the field on your defense and there's still 1:45 left. You'd better recover this awful onside kick. Good job. (Steelers 30, Texans 23)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Dallas (6-1) — I mean... there's really no denying it
2. Denver (5-1) — A self-assured bunch
3. Arizona (5-1) — Another easy victory
4. Green Bay (5-2) — Sneaking up on everyone

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-5) — No team in the league has allowed more points
30. Jacksonville (1-6) — Nice first win for the Jags
31. N.Y. Jets (1-6) — I'm guessing Harvin won't much like it here, either
32. Oakland (0-6) — Hit new low getting trolled by an injured guy
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Saturday, October 18, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Upping Your Ends

Nice catch, Hilton. Look up! That one hit the Texan in the head. Onside kick! The Texans just STOOD there. I mean, the Colts have done that three times already this year, as Nantz said. Don't you have to be thinking of that? Hilton wasn't touched! Or was he? That looked like two straight brain freezes by the Texans but we'll see.


I guess there was contact. And of course Richardson pretty much walks in on the next play. That's the easiest touchdown he's ever scored in the NFL. Watt ran down Luck but he may have simply postponed the inevitable.


Easy touchdown to Bradshaw and we've seen this movie before, haven't we? I'd say something about the Texans but they've done absolutely nothing. They got that time out? And Fleener's wide open in the end zone. This thing's over.



Arian Foster!  Again! Just give that guy the ball all the time, Texans. Fitzpatrick's beard is trying to escape his helmet. That can't be safe. How was that not intercepted? Points for the Texans. Tipped interception? This Tuggle related to Jessie at all? Nah, they would have mentioned it. The offensive line's opening holes for Foster and he's finding them. Could this turn into a game? Bradshaw ran through about four Texans on that 3rd down pass. Simms preaching aggression is laughable. Ironically, since he said that, things have slowed considerably. Did Bradshaw ever catch this many passes with the Giants? HOLD THE PROVERBIAL PHONE. I mean, if nothing else, the Texans have been able to run the ball tonight. This is a good response by the Colts. Oh, here's something else: the Texans refuse to cover Hilton. Why are they going for two here?




Oh, that won't help matters. Luck has hit on something these last few weeks. Meanwhile, Hilton's out here setting records or something. What happened there? Well, we've seen the commercials, and that proves it: the only thing J.J. Watt can't do is dance.




He wasn't touched, either. That's... not pass interference. BOB is livid. Calm down, man, it happens to everybody. Now nobody on the Colts is catching anything. Wayne caught that? OK there's the challenge flag. That one's gonna be close. Incomplete. Not a good series for Andre Johnson. Offensive PI and now this. I disagree with Carey here — I think that's a catch. Refs got this one right.



That's a big knockdown by Watt at a crucial point. With not-good teams, this drive usually ends in an interception. Oh, Fitzpatrick fumbled? That works, too. Did DeAndre Hopkins not see the ball there? At least it wasn't a massacre. (Colts 33, Texans 28)

Signal Finder: PIT @ CLE, GB @ MIA, CAR @ CIN (end), DAL @ SEA, WSH @ AZ (end)

It's surprisingly loud at Sun Life. Must be all the transplants — I wouldn't want to stay in Wisconsin either. The Packers just flat beat Miami corners on the touchdown and the pass to Cobb before it. Nice return. I mean, you have to block Julius Peppers. Blocked punt! Why would you do anything with Mike Wallace other than send him deep? He can't do anything else. Good hold by the Packers defense, but I think I might have tried rolling Tannehill out at some point. Two near-misses there: Wake almost crushed Rodgers, who would have had a touchdown if Starks had caught that dump-off. Lamar Miller lost 40 yards on that run. Tannehill should have gone somewhere else with that one. This Landry kid has some wheels on him. Finnegan's in Miami? I thought that dude retired. And Tannehill throws another interception. That was an ever worse decision than the first one — Hartline wasn't close to open. The Packers punter almost got beat again. That's a touchback. This is the first good Dolphins drive of the game. Both Packers corners are out? Tannehill's looked much better this half. Wait, that went off his head? Miller! We're somehow tied. The Dolphins are finding gold along the sidelines. I'M MIKE WALLACE. (Haven't said that in a few years.) Feels like Starks is having a better game than Eddie Lacy today. Did Rodgers try to jump over that guy? What was that? Man, NOW what do you do? 4th and 6? Either way you're gonna have to hope you can get the ball back... I don't know. OK. So the Packers got the stop they needed. The Dolphins brought the house on that sack. How does Nelson get loose? He didn't step out of bounds, either. That timeout's gonna get scrutinized if the Dolphins end up losing. Rodgers is suddenly getting no protection. FAKE SPIKE!! Get out of bounds, kid! Good job. (He almost scored.) TOUCHDOWN! That ball was teleported. This super lateral play is getting interest— ah, that's that, I suppose. (Packers 27, Dolphins 24)















I mean, what I don't get about this is how the Buccaneers' defense has been this bad. (Ravens 48, Buccaneers 17)


Sounds like this last-minute switch to Steelers-Browns was a good thing. Bad snap on that field goal attempt? Oh, it slipped out of the holder's hand. How does no one cover Jordan Cameron? With Josh Gordon out selling cars or whatever, he's the Browns' best offensive player by a considerable margin. Cameron again! And this time he scored. That's good play design by... Kyle Shanahan? Man, the Browns have scored three straight touchdowns and are freight-training the Steelers right now. This is how their first game started, but going the other way. And I'm not all that certain that this one's going to end the same way that one did. No idea what the Steelers are planning here with eight seconds. Oh, that. Too many fakes on that one Browns pass but it worked anyway. This is stunning. I mean, we've seen the Browns pick the Steelers off in recent years, but not like this.




Did I miss a Browns turnover or something? The Steelers have had the ball for six minutes and are somehow back at midfield? Oh, they had the ball for 50 seconds. Hoyer was 8 for 17? Usually you're on the bad side of this score when that happens. Hell, usually you don't even get to double digits when that happens. (Browns 31, Steelers 10)



Think CBS regretted doing this? Think FOX regretted letting CBS do this? Especially with the baseball playoffs going on and not having Joe Buck or Kevin Burkhart (who's anchoring the FS1 studio show) already screwing up the announcer pairings. That's how we ended up with Mike Goldberg's disaster at Lions-Vikings and something else that we'll get to later. As for the game itself, clearly Tom Brady's still pissed off. (Patriots 37, Bills 22)


GIOOOOOOOO. If this game doesn't go to overtime the Bengals don't get Bernard back. That's a big sack and the Bengals are stuck with a field goal now. They're running Cam a lot. I know he's their best healthy runner at this point but still. Two missed passes and now it's a field goal to tie it again. It's good. Next score wins! But there's only three minutes left! HANG ON, EVERYBODY. This is gonna end in a tie, isn't it? Big catch! AND a penalty? Now the Bengals have time to take at least one shot. They're not going to? Well, this'll be it right here then. HE MISSED?!?!?!?!?



(Panthers 37, Bengals 37, OT)




Maybe next week. (Lions 17, Vikings 7)

That's one of Murray's two bugaboos — he struggles protecting the ball. How are the Cowboys not abysmal defensively? They were terrible last year, lost their three best players, and added no one of consequence. This has to come apart at some point, right? What has happened to punt protection in this league?





The Seahawks are uncharacteristically getting killed by this underneath stuff. Honestly, with Maxwell out, I wouldn't put Dez anywhere near Sherman for the rest of this game. I don't know what that flag was for, either.




The way the Cowboys have owned this quarter, anything less than a touchdown would have been an embarrassment. Now we got a scrum. This is the Seahawks' biggest problem right now; they can't get off the field on defense. The announcers keep bringing up the Chargers game and they should. Hey, a sack. BEAST MODE. Well, at least they got to midfield first. The other thing is the Seahawks haven't made any 3rd downs either. A muff? Seahawks ball! No. 52 is standing there waving the ball in the air and the refs are still digging through the pile. Wilson: "Screw this. I'll do it myself." Bad snap? What WAS that? Now we have another skirmish. And another fumble maybe? Seahawks ball! And ANOTHER donnybrook. That penalty on Okung killed this drive. The Seahawks defense is not having a good day. The Seahawks' offense needs to go down the field. LIKE THAT. And then they hit another one on third down! That'll get challenged — or not, as there was defensive holding anyway. And another drive fizzles out. The defense is going to have to win this one, I think, and I'm legitimately not sure they're up to the task. A Cowboys penalty wipes out a big gain? That's never happened before. God help us all if that Baldwin-Wilson exchange had been Dez and Romo. That's DEFINITELY getting challenged. Oh my God, Williams CAUGHT that. Where did he even come from? That was absurd. This whole game has defied description. And then it occurred to me: The Romo-era Cowboys have always played their best when expectations are at their lowest. (Cowboys 30, Seahawks 23)

Carson's back! And Redskins fans still prefer Cousins over Griffin. Yeah, you guys keep running with that.


They're running this package of Cousins' interceptions and they get progressively worse, culminating with that last one that went right to Johnson for the touchdown. It's time to end this nonsense.




Also, the Cardinals are in first place all by themselves. (Cardinals 30, Redskins 20)

That may have been McCoy's best run in three weeks. Andre Williams trucked somebody. Who was that? Eli took too long to do... something. You should never want to hear your own coaches say "Bad things happen when you hold the ball" about you. This looks like a bad challenge. Well that play fake didn't fool anyone. Some good runs by McCoy tonight.  ERTZ! That was pretty crazy itself.





 


This playlist baffles me. "All Of Me" as a bumper in an NFL game? How does that work?  MCR? Yellowcard? At least P!nk's from nearby. Anyway, I'm digressing. Trent Cole hasn't lost a whole lot. First and 19. That's uncommon. Delay of Game? Really? Coughlin's furious. Barwin's going nuts. Eli's getting beat up out here.




Even Bennie Logan's getting in on the act. Eli should not be trying to make moves. Another good run by McCoy, and a nice block by Maclin. James Casey?!? This may be turning into one of those games. Giants are doing dumb things now. Sproles ran into Donnell for some reason or he might have scored. Amazingly, that's a good job to pick up that flag — there was no face mask. Somehow JPP caught Foles just in time. The Giants can't do anything on first down. They got a piece of that punt, too? Big plays big. Should have eaten that one, Foles. Prediction: Nothing comes of this. And there's offensive holding. Fielding that punt was some youthful exuberance on Beckham's part. That sequence didn't go well. How did Donnell catch that? That ball got tipped twice. OFFENSIVE HOLDING. Giants should probably go for it here. Incomplete and Cruz is hurt. Cart's out. You can't like seeing this if you're a halfway decent human being. Meanwhile, McCoy appears to be back. This is what I get for benching him. Sproles struts into the end zone.




I mean, everything's gone wrong for the Giants tonight. That was odd. Get up, Sproles! We're out of running backs! That was weird — Beckham misplayed the punt and it just went off Huff's knee. Then he juggles and drops a pass. Welcome to the show, kid. Chip just picking runs at random now. This one's been over for a while. Trey Burton getting carries! If the Giants wanted to not get shut out, why bring Nassib in? I agree with Collinsworth — you try a field goal here, you're only trolling yourself.




Yeah, good job by you guys. (Eagles 27, Giants 0)


The '90's Rams unis! I'm all about that.




This is the 700th Monday Night Football, for the record.  I don't know if Austin Davis is any kind of long-term solution, but he's earned at least a chance to prove whether he is or not. It's kind of shameful that the Rams are just now getting around to playing their other rookies. Hey, that's P.A. Mase's kid. Wonder if the ESPN DJ will play some De La Soul if he does something tonight. Feels like the Rams have had eight plays down here. Touchdown, or something.




Welcome back, Vernon Davis. Wait, what? That ball just popped out. Animal Jr.! This game is full of unexpected legacy kids. Mason again. Turns out Austin reversing the reverse ended up being the right move. Touchdown Rams?!?!? Gruden's kicking himself, no pun intended. "Can you believe I cut Phil Dawson?" That's so far down the list that I'm not even going to reference it. These Rams receivers have been open. Where has this been the last five years? McDonald is Tim's son? There's another one. Oh boy. Brandon Lloyd just faked Janoris Jenkins out of his jockstrap. That was brutal coverage.




This may get overturned. These guys can't outrun Kaepernick. The 49ers are finally getting a bit of traction in the running game. Boldin! They keep showing Sam Bradford on the sideline with this look on his face like "Am I gonna have a job next year?" Willis is out, too? Now Ward is out? How many guys can the 49ers lose in one game? The Rams' pass coverage has really fallen off since the Lloyd touchdown. Like, Crabtree just worked that poor kid on that touchdown. I think it's safe to say this game has turned.




McDonald and Davis crashed into each other and cost the 49ers a touchdown. Are the Rams going to stonewall them here? They got the stop? A flag? Now what? After the play?

 


Seriously, look at Fisher's record. A LOT of 8-8's on that ledger. This synonyms discussion started off the rails and only got more disjointed. Is this the same drive? And they only got a field goal? Sad. Yeah, this ain't happening. See? (49ers 31, Rams 17)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. (tie) San Diego (5-1) — Survived the Black Hole
1. (tie) Dallas (5-1) — Officially need to be Dealt With
3. Denver (4-1) — Peyton being Peyton
4. Arizona (4-1) — Playing well despite missing key parts

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (1-5) — Seriously, what happened?
30. N.Y. Jets (1-5) — Rex's fate seems sealed
31. Jacksonville (0-6) — At least Bortles looks not terrible
32. Oakland (0-5) — That went well

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Saturday, October 4, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Holding the Bag

Giants-Redskins on CBS. For guys my age, it's just right. I wonder how many time Simms will slip up and actually call them the Redskins. (Answer: One.) Cruz dropping passes again. That's easily a fumble. Cousins never saw that. This Larry Donnell has really stepped up so far. The Giants may have finally found a tight end again. Redskins kick coverage!


Cousins is getting chased out there right now. Cruz was pretty open there. The Redskins defense looks tired. Donnell again. And he beat Meriwether.


Good job by Cousins to wait until Roberts got open, which didn't take very long. Gotta catch those, rook. Oh, man, the Redskins had Jennings stopped on that 3rd and 1 but he just wasn't having it. LARRY DONNELL IS A GOLDEN GOD. Ouch. That was a vicious collision. And now they have to review it. Mike Carey says it'll be complete and down by contact. but that's not the most important thing.


That is ALSO a fumble. Dude just took it out of Paulsen's hands.

Cruz got out with one second left on the clock! Just think, if they'd done that in 2010 they'd have beaten the Eagles. This is ridiculous.

Meanwhile, David Robertson just greased his exit out of the Bronx by blowing this save. Although, Jeter will bat in the 9th now...

Now it's the Giants who can't cover receivers. Or running backs. This is gonna end up 44-40,  isn't it?


A Patrick Ramsey name drop. There's a guy who got screwed. So the Giants can't cover backs and the Redskins can't cover tight ends. Got it. Is that a good play by Prince or a bad play by Cousins? Probably somewhere in between. That's the second time in three weeks Jennings has put a touchdown on the turf. Whoa! Wait, what? Get down! Get back in the end zone! Now Eli thinks it's a touchdown and I have no idea why he thinks that but whatever. Hang on, he may be right. It's SO close that you can't overturn it. Also of note is Meriwether actually used his shoulder and hot his head to pop the ball out. Are they piping Mike Carey into FedEx Field or do the acoustics just suck? Wow. As Bill Parcells said, let's put away the anointing oils for Kirk Cousins. How did Randle catch that? The Redskins can't even cover the backup tight end.



Cousins threw ANOTHER interception?



And now their only good offensive lineman might be hurt. Who's the backup now? COLT McCOY?! Okay, Eli Manning just ran more than two yards for a touchdown. Seal the vault. Cousins is shellshocked.


There's still seven minutes left? My God. Thursday night games are awful. (Giants 45, Redskins 14)


Signal Finder: GB @ CHI, CAR @ BAL, BUF @ HOU (end), DET @ NYJ (end), TB@ PIT (end), PHI @ SF

Is LaDarius Webb ever gonna play again? That sack killed that entire drive. Amazing the Panthers got nothing out of that. Trent Green thinks Steve Smith is giving his old team the silent treatment. Let's see how long that lasts. The Panthers are pulling out running backs nobody's ever heard of. How about this sequence of events for them: Williams missed the last two games, but last week both Stewart and Tolbert got hurt and I think Tolbert's out for the year. Well, that was a thing that happened. The announcers think Smith broke off his route but I'm not sure why he'd just follow Daniels if that were the case. It looks like Daniels even sees him when he tips the ball, too. That may be an incompletion — did Benjamin have control? They're saying he didn't and I'm not sure I disagree. Harbaugh challenges and loses. Whoa! Newton has maybe a six-inch window on that 3rd-down pass to Cotchery. And now Williams is limping - oh boy. How is Justin Forsett, a super sized Darren Sproles, running through Panthers players? Not tackles, the actual players? Wait, did the Ravens just do the Browns' Manziel fake from last week and it worked? Tucker missed a 57-yarder left. Man, Flacco is cutting this Panthers defense to pieces. Benjamin's out of bounds here — no touchdown. Oh, wait, maybe not? This may be a control question again. Yeah, this is getting out of hand. (Ravens 38, Panthers 10)


Natalie Coughlin being a Raiders fan makes me irrationally sad. (Dolphins 38, Raiders 14)


Man, Burkhart was sure that flag was going against the Bears. And it... should have? FOX: puts up graphic detailing Bears' proclivity to throwing in the red zone. Bears: Run two straight running plays.
Dude on the Packers fell down? OK. That makes things easier for anyone. So how'd the other Rodgers get so wide open? Oh, right, Bears safeties. Lacy just drilled his way through that pile for the score.


Wait, was that on purpose? It sure wasn't. Cutler fumbled the snap, picked it back up and ran for about 15 more yards. Lynch pointing out that House, who fell on the Marshall touchdown, just fell down again. It's hard to throw a ball too high for these receivers, but Cutler just did it twice.
Packers got bailed out on that bad 3rd down run call. Cutler's struggling to pick up the ball for some reason. The Packers are the team with the rookie center... Forte's having a decent game so far, which the Bears will need later. A pass to Jeffrey off a fake reverse? SWANK. And he walked into the end zone. Onside kick? I certainly wouldn't have done that. And that's why — the Bears can't stop the Packers in the air. Clinton-Dix just stonewalled Bennett at the end zone! Wow! They got a goal line cam on the other side? I don't think Bennett made it. That other view won't change anything, either.



How did Rodgers last long enough in that pocket to get that pass off, let alone for a touchdown (that was ultimately called back)? Crosby barely made that one. Forte is going off right now. Oh no! Cutler shouldn't have thrown that one there. Another drive wasted. Cobb just dropped a touchdown. But Nelson didn't. The Bears are self-destructing now — another Cutler pick, then a penalty on Bostic (but what the hell for?) takes a Packers field goal off the board, and Cobb catches a touchdown on the very next play. I thought they'd win this game, in all honesty. This interception won't count. How have the Packers not scored on this drive yet? They've had the ball for, what, 10 minutes? And somehow, the Bears keep them off the board, which they could have used about five series ago. (Packers 38, Bears 17)

Sup, Bills-Texans! This is a game that can tilt the season for both teams. We missed JJ Watt running 79 yards with an interception for a touchdown for that debacle? They're trying a 55-yarder? Really? He made it! Then EJ Manuel comes back immediately and throws a bomb to Williams, who roasted his man and scored easily. I think Bullock Hulked Up before the 50-yarder. There was some contact on that last interception — I see why Woods is upset. (Texans 23, Bills 17)


Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, the Buccaneers' backup running back just threw a pass with 2:05 left and his team down by four. That's twice Glennon missed possible touchdowns, the second one going off Vincent' Jackson's hands. Really, Steelers? You fail to convert a first down that would have ended the game, then throw up a horrible punt? HUGE pass to get into the red zone by Glennon. TOUCHDOWN BUCCCANEERS. Jackson got that one.






(Buccaneers 24, Steelers 20)




That's a generous spot. But at the same time I'm not sure this is the time to use a challenge. I don't like challenging spots, as you know. Holy crap the Eagles got a sack and that's with the 49ers offensive line complete. BLOCKED PUNT TOUCHDOWN! Gore with a nice run. They called an illegal pick on the 49ers? That's odd. Aikman hates it. Now what's this one? Aikman suspects a makeup call but it actually was illegal contact. Twice in a row an Eagles defender has just missed Kaepernick. Well, they only got three. That's a win of some kind. Uh-oh. Boykin's down hurt in the end zone and Burton failed to stay out of it while downing the ball. That's the second time today the announcers have incorrectly predicted a penalty. It's amazing the Eagles already have three sacks against a far better offensive line than they faced last week. So Gore runs around for 10 seconds then decides to go downfield, Kaepernick gets rushed out of the pocket, sees he's completely uncovered, and throws up a lob across his body and across the field for a touchdown. Don't try that at home, kids. The Eagles keep ending up in 3rd down and long. Jenkins! Money well spent. He's making moves like Barry Sanders. Touchdown!



Neither offense has looked great so far. They almost got to that punt, too. Sproles!! This is nuts. And the facemask was on the 49ers so this will stand. It was on Sproles's helmet, even, right when he caught the punt. As usual, the 49ers aren't helping themselves with penalties. It's strange — this is the best offensive line the Eagles have faced so far and they've gotten more pressure today than any other time this season. McCoy missed a chance to cut upfield on that run. Nice sideline overhead grab by Boldin. So that deal with Cary Williams and Crabtree's helmet was the right call, or non-call, in this case. Even a field goal that sails cleanly through the uprights from 51 yards out gets affected somehow. That's not an interception. Cooper fumbled on a play that wouldn't have worked anyway — he had no chance of getting out of bounds before the clock ran out. Did Vernon Davis just have a back spasm? He grabbed his back right after that tackle. Now Peters is walking off. That ball popped right out of Ertz's hands and into Cox's. Another Eagles sack. You know it's bad when you're getting beat by Casey Matthews. ANOTHER sack? Oh, I don't know about that holding call on Cary. Johnson somehow stayed in the end zone there.


(Turns out the rule there is that if the receiver's already in the end zone, he just has to have possession. If he were a runner, it'd be the exact opposite, which, again, makes NO FREAKING SENSE.) How was there not a flag on Brooks for tackling Matthews? So the big Gore run sets up a field goal. What was Foles looking for there? The Eagles' best offensive player today has been Riley Cooper and he's dropped at least one touchdown pass.




McCoy is actively killing the Eagles at this point. Run straight ahead for ONCE. They took the penalty... why? Don't give them another shot to get a first down or more here. That didn't make any sense whatsoever. A second Brad Smith sighting? That Maclin catch is going to stand because there's not enough clear evidence to overturn.


I mean, I guess both things can be true. This would be one of the most bizarre Eagles wins in recent memory (non-Giants edition) if they pulled this out. Now what? I'd hope they thought McCoy or Sproles, who I don't think we've seen in a while, could get one yard here. Or sneak Foles. He's 6-6. Apparently not.




One more shot! But they keep moving backwards and that's a recipe for failure. If Chip's losing confidence in McCoy down there, that could be a huge problem. (49ers 26, Eagles 21)

When the Jaguars drafted Blake Bortles, I said on Facebook that it looks like they drafted Blaine Gabbert again. (Seriously, compare their scouting reports.) And I know it's only been one game, but in 28 starts, Gabbert had only one game as good as this one was. (Chargers 33, Jaguars 14)

We've got the Saints on the road versus Tony Romo in prime time. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE.
Williams got straight-up pasted and still held on. Cowboys getting penalized here like they're the 49ers. Now Brees just took off for a first down. How was that nor fair catch interference? These defenses aren't what I would call "good." Touchdown Murray. The Saints are getting thrashed on all fronts. Williams drags a defender into the end zone and this is officially a massacre. Clearly, "the Saints on the road" is the larger factor right now. Stills! Colston just saved an interception and this drive. Why are they kicking the field goal? Good Lord. Murray AGAIN. This is ridiculous.


Yeah, that's a late hit. Weird, like Collinsworth said — it looked like Carter just figuratively blew a tire or something. Touchdown Saints and they might go for two here but probably won't. I'd have onside kicked, though — they haven't stopped the Cowboys all night. Did that punt hit the VIDEO BOARD? It did! And Al says that it should have led to a rekick which is why it matters. If Cadet hadn't had to come back for the ball there he'd have scored. Jimmy Graham is unguardable. Was Romo even touched on that sack? I don't like the Saints' decision to punt here. I REALLY don't like them running a fake punt here.



I'll keep saying it: the Saints can't stop anything. This is about when you'd normally expect Romo to throw a pick-six but it didn't happen this time. Dez! That should lock this up. Man, Jason Garrett's wife looks miserable. Hey, I think that was a fumble. (Cowboys 38, Saints 17)

We need more instrumental anthems. How about this crowd singing along. Bringing that kickoff out was a mistake. Charles has some running lanes early.


That didn't last long, and neither did this Patriots' drive. Nice catch, Bowe. Did Charles make it? I can't see any sign of the ball. That is Jason Kelce's brother, Travis, and I think Jason is actually faster than he is. That was too easy. This is the second straight September that Brady just hasn't been good. What was that foolishness on 4th and 2? They ran the punt team out then changed their minds? Just to get the Chiefs to burn a time out? Kelce just threw a Patriot down. Then Donnie Avery just broke a tackle attempt by the same guy (Logan Ryan, one of far too many Rutgers guys on one NFL roster). There's that Andy Reid clock management again. It looked like nobody knew what the play was. That didn't reach the end zone. Penalty? It's on the Patriots so there'll be another play. That ball didn't break the plane. So they'll get three and have completely dominated this half.





Ball's out! How the hell did the Patriots recover that? The Chiefs are just knocking the Patriots off the ball right now. Hali threw a lightning bolt at Brady on that strip fumble. This is starting to get out of hand. Did this even happen during the Revenge Road Tour of 2005 (the season Brady missed)? The Patriots looks completely overmatched, talent-wise, on both sides of the ball.




I'll come back to that. Nice throw, Tom. And nice route, Edelman. The Patriots were lucky to give up just another field goal. Hey, Brandon Lafell did something. Gruden nailed it with his line about Eagles fans scratching their heads that Andy's running the ball so much. Charles lost his balance and... was his knee down? Who's got the ball in the end zone? No one, then? OK. And the Chiefs score anyway. No one covered Kelce? That one's on Brady.




Garoppolo! That's some insult-to-injury business right there.

Turns out this was the Patriots' worst loss since that 2005 season. Let me pull this tweet up from May:




I mean, pundits love clowning on Scott Pioli, but he wouldn't have traded Richard Seymour without a replacement on hand. And it took them, what, four years to actually replace Seymour? (By the way, the Logan Mankins trade feels a lot like that one did at the time. Those who do not learn from history, etc.) How many defensive players in the second and third rounds have they missed on? Rasi-I Dowling. Terrence Wheatley. Brandon Spikes. Patrick Chung. Darius Butler. Are there more? Their best receivers are short and fragile. I mean, they mostly always have been but they were good players. Wes Welker's still better than anyone they have right now, for example. They spent big money on Danny Amendola last year only for him to get hurt (as usual) and for Julian Edelman to have the season he was supposed to have for about a million dollars. The big receivers they've drafted can't play for one reason or another. They've drafted more quarterbacks than offensive linemen in the first three rounds in the last four years.

If Bill Belichick gets the credit for three Super Bowl wins in four years, then he also has to get the blame for this.

(Chiefs 41, Patriots 14)

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Sunday, September 14, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Grand Spectacle



Victoria Justice > Ariana Grande. It's true and you know it. SECURE THE FOOTBALL. I see the Seahawks' defense is in midseason form. There's really no good reason for Earl Thomas to be returning punts. That's incomplete all the way - the defender never had possession. Oh, he did run into the punter. OK. Well there's our first Soundgarden bumper of the night. Aaaand that's one of the reasons Earl Thomas returning punts is a bad idea.


The Packers are pleased by this development. Touchdown! Hey, I know you're surprised to see Percy Harvin still on the field, but when he is, try covering him. That play fake was tremendous.


Bobby Wagner's fast because Randall Cobb's really fast. Yeah, that's a penalty. We're tied. Sweet one-handed grab by Miller, who was their highest-paid player last season. (Needless to say, he isn't now.) Oh man, Bulaga's knee AGAIN? BEAST MODE. That wasn't particularly beastly, though. More like Feral Mode. I want to make a Ha Ha Clinton-Dix joke but it'd just be terrible and he's suffered enough already tonight. That snap was... problematic. Was Rodgers trying to call time?
Stop giving away first downs, Packers. You're still rolling out Coach T, NBC? Really? And now the Seahawks start grinding with Lynch. Not the best throw by Rodgers but Nelson needs to catch that. Maxwell played well last year when all their other guys got suspended — that's not surprising at all. How do you confuse a flag and a bean bag? Kevin Williams is still in the league? I'm surprised the Packers are going for this. Cliff Avril's been singlehandedly destroying this Packers offensive line. Then Bennett straight-up murked Sherrod on that safety. The Packers' "amoeba" defense seems pretty sickly. There's Lynch again and we may be done here. Time to see if Federer can hang on.



Packers are doing an awful lot of running here. Hey, that worked. Someone blew up that two-point conversion.



Here's a Derrick Coleman who's easy to root for. NOW we're done here. The Packers have lost about five offensive linemen tonight. Meanwhile, Federer just did to this kid what the Seahawks did to the Packers.


Oh man, he's right. Wilson's not as dynamic as Kaepernick, but it's the same kind of stuff. It really is.
(Seahawks 36, Packers 16)

Signal Finder: JAX @ PHI, NO @ ATL  (end of regulation), BUF @ CHI (OT), SF @ DAL

Catalon, Tasker and Buerelein? This is the CBS equivalent of whenever Chris Myers has to do a game for FOX. Are the Jaguars' two-tone helmets new? They should send them back. Not even close. Ertz! Oh, that's a fumble, isn't it? Someone bit on that play fake, didn't they? Yeah, looks like Allen got caught and the receiver beat Williams to the inside. The tuck rule never made sense. Oh, right, I forgot CBS hired Mike Carey to be their Pereira. Another fumble? Come on, Nick. Throw the ball. Allen Hurns is out here setting records. This feels like the Cardinals are in town. Foles looks confused. Wait, how is THAT A fumble? He was clearly throwing it, I thought. I'd have gone for it here, myself. But that punt was deadly. I mean, obviously nobody scouted this Hurns kid because he wasn't drafted but this is ridiculous. That's a questionable horse-collar call. The fans just saw that replay and now they're really mad.


Hey, something went wrong for the Jaguars! Nice catch by Matthews. And Foles ruins it by throwing an absolutely terrible interception in the end zone.


And Henne's marching the Jags down the field now. This is pathetic. Blocked! Scobee's day is getting worse. Now Mathis is hurt. Then Foles got hit and Sanchez grabbed his helmet but nothing came of it. Now Barbre's going off the field and the injuries are piling up. What is going on? Cyprien's head just bounced off the grass. Oh no not ANOTHER one. Wait, this should get reversed. Why are you punting, Chip?



I see Cowher's taken over Shannon Sharpe's role of making horrible puns during the halftime highlights. That's on Matthews. Go for it, Chip. SPROLES!! That's a career-long touchdown run for him? Weird. Get stops, guys. Good work. ERTZ!! That'll stand. Fletcher almost picked that off. The Jaguars suddenly can't do anything on offense. You know who's been playing consistently well for the Eagles today is the front seven. Knocking down balls, stuffing the run. All right, kid. 51 yards? GOOD. This might get held up because there was no "football move" but it's a good challenge by Chip. That'll stand, and I'm guessing that's the reason. MACLIN!!!! DeSean who? Also, nice coverage.



Henne got GOT. Jags going for it. Not a good throw by Henne. BIG MAN RUMBLE.


That was a long way to get there. And I'm not talking about Fletcher Cox's touchdown. (Eagles 34, Jaguars 17)

As great as Tom Brady is, Miami has not been kind to him. (Dolphins 33, Patriots 20)

Oh, the Saints did re-sign Shayne Graham at some point last week. They cut both their kickers on the final cutdown day and I wouldn't have been too shocked to see them just go without one, because other than Chip, Sean Payton is the closest thing the NFL has to That Dude. This Robinson injury actually helps the Falcons, since it stops the clock without them having to tell someone to. MIKE SMITH CLOCK MANAGEMENT, GUYS. Matt Bryant, yo. COLSTON FUMBLES. Remember, this is the second straight game where he's made a critical mistake at the end of it. Now they're just gonna set up for Bryant again. GOOD. (Falcons 37, Saints 34, OT)

And now, an unrelated aside.




If you're wondering why Bills AT Bears is on FOX, they've relaxed the network/conference borders. Chris Conte's still in the league? How? (Bills 23, Bears 20, OT)


PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, JerryWorld is loud for a place where the opposing team just scored. That's a fumble. Look, the Cowboys have lots of offense. That's not up for debate. But the rest of it... The Niners can't afford to be losing corners — the ones they have aren't that great to start with. JESUS. Kap can just DO things, man. And the Cowboys forgot to cover Vernon Davis. ROMO. Cowboys forgot to cover Vernon Davis again. That's actually a nice run by Murray.

Right into, like, quintuple coverage. Then Gore breaks off a 22-yard run through air. I'm not sure how wise this really is with Blaine Gabbert one snap away. Romo at his own 1? This oughta be good. Well, they've made some progress. OH NO. That wasn't going to go well, but my God.




Hey, a Stevie Johnson sighting. Carlos Hyde! Now we got all kinds of chaos. A fumbled interception and a penalty. So no flag, and now let's review the turnover(s). That was kinda quick, actually — not sure how I feel about that.

So which is better: The CFL East or the Big Ten? Discuss. You know things have gone too far south when you summon Pac-12 officials for the second half and it still isn't nearly enough.




(49ers 28, Cowboys 17)

And now, an aside related to the previous unrelated one.




(Steelers 30, Browns 27)

We've got a lot to digest in the new Sunday Night Football intro. Carrie's new and uglier dress, McCoy lip-syncing, Clay crowd surfing... plenty to process there. Hey, positive yards for Richardson! Someone was late? They're not gonna get this off. (And they didn't. Just as well; Vinatieri dinked the goal post anyway.) Not good by Luck — Allen wasn't even open. Well, there were offsetting holdings. Nice throw to Julius Thomas. Wait, ANDRE CALDWELL is Florida's all-time leading receiver? With all the guys Spurrier had (who never panned out in the pros)? That's hard to fathom.
NBC DJ going to break with "Limelight". And who are those guys? Probably could have saved "Get Lucky", though. Yeah, D'Qwell Jackson's not catching that dude in the open field. Oooh, that fumbled punt return could have been big. ANOTHER touchdown for Julius Thomas. Colts getting a drive when they could really use one. He can run, though. Oooh, better review that. That should be a touchdown, I think. Yeah. Al and Cris rightly commending the new centralized replay monitor. There's no reason for a decision that obvious to take three minutes.




And even if it had been, that's still a pretty bad interpretation of the PI rule: Harris turned around and didn't touch Hilton.Colts are going for it here after Nicks just missed the end zone, continuing his pattern from last year. Honestly, Luck's the Colts' best runner so the sneak is fine. It just didn't work.




The Colts got stuffed AGAIN? Maybe try passing? I mean, Trent Richardson can either become Mark Ingram or he can become Laurence Maroney. This is where the road forks. Wait, was he down? Oh, clearly. This shouldn't take long either. Ball! I'd say this one looks over but it's Luck. Richardson isn't even on the field anymore.




He stayed inbounds, right? Broncos aren't making a lot of noise about this one. Yeah, he's clear. Colts get the onside kick? Wait, did that go 10 yards? Oh, it did. OK. I think Bradshaw's just won the starting running back job. Gotta go for it on fourth down now, right? Hilton! Not the best throw by Luck on that interception, either. That Rahim Moore story is wild. The Broncos' punter was doing some acting there.




HAKEEM NICKS HAS SCORED A TOUCHDOWN. STOP THE PRESSES. Don't onside kick this one, Colts. Who's the most famous of these Jones brothers? Arthur, Jon or Chandler? Wow, the Broncos played right into the Colts' hands by throwing the football on both second and third down.
Well, this is it. Denied! Brees has never beaten the Ravens? Weird. (Mentioned because Peyton has now beaten literally everyone.) (Broncos 31, Colts 24)




I see the Giants' defense has yet to arrive as well. It's highly possible that the NFC East will be worse this year than last. Roughing the kicker takes the punter out? That's... not the easiest thing to do. A fade to who? Two straight passes on 1st and goal from the 1? I don't care that it finally worked. That's horrific play calling.




DRC simply cannot stay with Megatron. Just put someone else over there. Jesus, Stafford threw a LASER to Tate through two Giants. And OF COURSE there's a face mask penalty on the center. And then the rookie misses the kick. They should be up 28-0. Bad throw by Eli behind the receiver. Sure, DeAndre Levy, get up and run with it, why not. Wait... that may not have hit the ground. Oh, this'll be CLOSE. I can read Eli's lips, and he's not praying.




Eli's out here doing his best Romo impression. Seriously, the Giants should be dead and buried but the Lions keep missing chances. Hey, DRC made a successful play finally. Stafford was finally like, "Ah, the hell with it. I'll do it myself." And now the Giants are putting together an actual drive. Cover the running backs, Lions. Now the Lions are doing their march. They went for two? Man, that's cold. Call it. (Lions 35, Giants 14)


Kevin Butler's son? We're old, people. That's not an interception. Wait, what are the Cardinals challenging? The graphic and the ref said "challenging the interception" and that's not what happened there. And this is a fumble. Whoa! Where did Eddie Royal even come from? I was sure that was incomplete.





BLOCKED PUNT. When has Carson Palmer ever been so mobile? Did the Cardinals hire the Suns' training staff? I don't know what's going on now. Why's everyone jut standing around? This game has been awful. And Rivers throws another pick but Dilfer (who I intensely dislike for reasons I can't explain) thinks Royal stopped his route. Can't tell from here. Let's jump ahead a bit. We have two "M. Floyd"'s in this game and the Chargers' one just scored a touchdown. I'm surprised Ryan Mathews scored that touchdown in one piece. We've seen the Chargers blow this exact game before, though. Like so. Carson Palmer channeling Steve Young is a little scary. Touchdown! Wait, where's the quarterback? Well that didn't work. Antonio Gates still has it. The Chargers have gotten away with two turnovers on this drive because of Cardinal penalties... and they still couldn't capitalize.




Hey, a Larry Fitzgerald sighting! I'm legitimately impressed by how much better Michael Floyd has been that I thought he'd be. The Cardinals just took the lead! Rivers badly rushed that third-down pass. Delay of game? That's a Cardinals move. Oh, they got the time out. OK. Aaand it still doesn't matter. (Cardinals 18, Chargers 17)



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