By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Perilous and Ponderous

This is coming back, isn't it? Yeah, of course it is. It doesn't seem to matter watching this drive, though. Or this one. Or even this one, though the Texans did at least hold them to a field goal here. These drives have all taken a decent amount of time, too, which is encouraging. Is it just me or did McCoy pick up his game when Vick came back? How does Joel Dreesen keep getting wide open against good teams? I was worried that without Samuel, if the Eagles were going to blow a lead like this, it'd be on a big play but that hasn't happened. Like the Eagles in the first half, the Texans are doing this with long, methodical drives. Well there's a bomb to Andre Johnson. Plenty of time left for Houston's defense to cough another one up. You know, Wade Phillips is out there. (Before you ask me if I'm crazy, I'd absolutely hire Wade to just run a defense.) I feel like Vick doesn't get low enough when he sneaks but it seems to work. (He's not a big guy, either Celek got that one on the stretch, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, but throw the flag, Andy. Come on, he got it. Yes! The difference between six points and 10 is huge here and that's why you do that. I don't know if there's anything to this, but I'm beginning to believe the Texans actually traded Kyle Shanahan to the Redskins and got back their staggering inability to finish games. (Eagles 34, Texans 24)

Signal Finder: WAS @ NYG; CLE @ MIA, DEN @ KC (end), NO @ CIN (end); DAL @ IND; ATL @ TB (end)

Can the Browns avenge their brothers-in-arms on the hardwood? sees Jake Delhomme is starting I'm gonna go ahead and say "no." This has been kind of a snoozefest, to be honest. 60 yards! That'll wake these people up. Oh man, overtime just went through that Dolphins DB's hands.,although this game's been so bad I'm not sure anyone would stick around for 15 more minutes of it. I would have bet everything I own that Delhomme and not Chad Henne would throw the game-killing interception. How does he not score? It's GOOD! Why are the Dolphins so bad at home this year? Is it delayed karma from the Orange Bowl demolition? Also, Eric Mangini needs some Coach of the Year votes — this is a 4-12 roster at best and he has an outside shot at 8-8. crosses off Dolphins (Browns 13, Dolphins 10)

Did the Lions just get screwed out of a win over the Bears again? (Bears 24, Lions 20)

I'm well aware that the Redskins have plenty of more important problems. But the yellow pants have got to go. No Haynesworth, not that you'd notice. Although thinking about it, I guess you would miss a giant blob of unmotivated, apathetic fat. Especially when the Giants are running right through the hole that he theoretically would have filled up. I think it's safe to say the switch to the 3-4 hasn't exactly paid dividends. And yet this team has somehow already won one more game than last year. Does Coughlin have Ahmad Bradshaw doing that thing he did with Tiki where he carries a ball up under his neck or wherever everywhere he goes? Because it worked for Tiki is all I'm saying. If Jake Delhomme against Carolina last week was a 0.0000001 on the Vengeance Scale, Devin Thomas against the Redskins may actually be a negative number. He blocked a punt! This is his greatest game ever. This can't end soon enough. And it ended pretty soon. crosses off Redskins (Giants 31, Redskins 7)

Really, Sean Payton? Really? This BETTER work. Of course, Lynch's rationale that the Saints are a better team anyway probably does figure into it — if they're better , they should be able to get this first down anyway. They sure are taking their time. Wait... are they trying to draw them offsiOH MY GOD IT WORKED. And the Bengals player clearly moved first looking at this replay. Good teams find ways to win games and bad teams find ways to lose games. But that kickoff return gave the Bengals time... time they've just squandered by somehow not calling time out. That's such a Bengals way to lose. (Saints 34, Bengals 30)

Bill Simmons, in his mini-prediction column: "The No Handshake Bowl II. And there won't be a III." (Chiefs 10, Broncos 6)

This should never have happened. Although at the start of this weekend I would have preferred this being our only CBS game here instead of anything in the 1 p.m. block. (Raiders 28, Chargers 13)

That was too easy. So was that. The Scandrick interception was a little more difficult but I have a pattern to maintain here. Is a Colts game in the Peyton Manning era going to be over by halftime? With the Colts losing? I can't believe what I'm seeing here. Some of Peyton's recent interceptions have been so bad they've looked like his rookie season. The thing I've noticed on the ones he's thrown today is that the Cowboys aren't being fooled. He's not throwing it directly to them, but they know where the ball's going, and it seems like that's been a problem for some of his other recent ones. Of course, count him out at your own peril. Are the Cowboys really about to completely blow this lead? Yep. Off a blocked punt, of all things, which isn't even in play if the penalty doesn't wipe out that monster kickoff return. Still, it's very tenuous at one point and I don't think I'd throw the ball at all if I'm the Cowboys — they've been running wild all day. And that's exactly what they're doing. They threw two passes on that drive (both to Witten) and chewed up almost the entire fourth quarter. Two and a half minutes left? That's two minutes more than the Colts actually need. You'd think the Cowboys would be triple-teaming Wayne on every play and making Peyton throw to guys he's clearly not comfortable with, which is also part of the problem. I think Javarris James has more rushing touchdowns than every other Colts running back this season. And if anything happens to him, the next phone call could be to his cousin Edge. The fact that Peyton's thrown three interceptions, had two of them returned for touchdowns, and we're still going to overtime says a lot about a lot of things. What, again? Are you kidding me? It's the Super Bowl losers' curse. I don't have any better explanations. (Cowboys 38, Colts 35, OT)

How is it that we can have bonus coverage after a game that went halfway into overtime? I feel like if you swapped the Bucs' and Lions' schedules, you could also swap their records. (Falcons 28, Buccaneers 24)

Is it 2007 again? Max: "I haven't seen a beating like this since the glory days of Jerry Flynn." Turn out the lights, the party's over. (Patriots 45, Jets 3)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (5-8, L2): No playoffs. All I had to do was beat Janey and I would have gotten in, but I lost by less than two points.

JackSux 7 (6-7, W2): Thanks to Brady and Jennings, I beat the crap out of Rob (again, always a good time) to eliminate him from playoff contention. Now it comes down to one game, me against Rob's brother, who's also 6-7. Winner is in, loser is out.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New England (10-2) — Also of note: Brady hasn't thrown a pick in two months
2. Pittsburgh (9-3) — Round 6,721,453 to the Steelers
3. Atlanta (10-2) — Could make a case they should have lost both games to the Buccaneers
4. Baltimore (8-4) — Still seems like something's missing

BOTTOM 4

29. Arizona (3-9) —In a way, this feels like order's been restored to the universe
30. Buffalo (2-10) — Would Los Angeles even want them?
31. Cincinnati (2-10) — They've lost NINE IN A ROW. That's almost impossible
32. Carolina (1-11) — Gave Seattle a scare for about 25 minutes

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Listening to: John Lennon-Watching the Wheels
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Off The Rack (of Lamb)

So how long can the new, improved Lions hang? Let's find out. I think this is the most Lions games I've ever seen in one season (three) and I like seeing how good Calvin Johnson is at catching passes from mediocre-at-best-quarterbacks. The guy played with Reggie Ball, arguably the worst four-year starter ever, in college. Is it really 14-3? Someone tell the Patriots you're not supposed to have the turkey dinner until after the game. This first possession out of halftime is big. They forced a punt! Wow. This could get very interesting if the Lions can sustain something (and by the way, this is the Week 12 I was thinking about back at Eagles-Lions in week 2) Oops. That might be a game-changer in the bad way. Well, wait a second... the Lions just went ahead again. But the Patriots are firing on all proverbial cylinders now. Yeah, I guess it was only a matter of time. Anyone who had "three quarters" in the pool, please come to Window 8 to collect. Look for the guy trying to cut into the rack of lamb. Brady ended up with a perfect quarterback rating? Unreal. (Patriots 45, Lions 24)

Seriously, there's not a lot of meat on these bones.

Quite a few Saints fans at Jerryworld. So is Bush playing or not? One guy said maybe, one guy said no, and yet there he is, but it's this Chris Ivory kid who's doing the heavy lifting. The Saints' engine is humming. Seventeen points in the first quarter? The old Saints — and the old Cowboys — appear to have resurfaced. Was that a Julius Jones sighting? REVERSE. I don't think Austin had caught a pass yet, either. Oooh, Bush dropped a probable touchdown there. He slipped? What is this, Soldier Field? And then he fumbles the punt... not a good sequence. Let's sort out this McBriar thing. Oh, I see, you can't kick a ball when it's on the ground. So why not take the penalty and make them re-kick and try for better field position? Dez Bryant is angry. Somebody calm him down (Seriously! You're back in the game!) and throw a pass in his direction or something because that's the first time I've actually seen him all game. It's interesting that the Cowboys are still in it despite that fact. And now they've got the ball again after the rookie tight end let one go off his hands. An ice-cold Tashard Choice on fourth and goal? Really, Garrett? Oh, never mind. I am displeased by this. Oh, Roy. Even when you catch it your hands let you down. How does that even happen? Time to find the magic, Saints. I can't say that took long. 59 yards with a guy with the leg and reliability of Sebastian Janikowski? Good luck with THAT. Wide left! LOL at Payton trying to do the last-moment timeout thing and not getting it. That's a less aesthetically offensive version of the Galloping Gobbler than we've seen in years past. And yes, I still miss the mutant six-legged turkeys. (Saints 30, Cowboys 27)

Signal Finder: GB @ ATL, JAX @ NYG, PIT @ BUF (end regulation), PHI @ CHI

What are Brennaman and Billick doing here? There's been quite a bit of going for it on fourth down today with mixed results. Rodgers' fumble on the fourth-and-goal sneak was on the bad side of that mix. You know who's still good is Tony Gonzalez. Another sneak from Rodgers... hey, it worked this time! Oh, man, Turner could have walked in backwards. (P.S. Also on fourth down.) Hey, Mike McCarthy, I know you guys can't run the ball but lining up in the shotgun on 4th and 1 from the opponents' 45 is making it a little too obvious what's coming. Also, how did that drive take so long? The Packers have the ball back and I'm not sure they have any plays where Rodgers lines up under center. Either that or they've just thrown those away. If there was a next play here Rodgers can design it and come up with a snap count with all the time he has. Is he in? Yeah, without question. Looks like overtime. Or not, as he clearly grabbed the face mask. That's a good way to lose a game. Did Ryan really not throw an incompletion in the second half? Ridiculous. (Falcons 20, Packers 17)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Derek Anderson; 2. Steve Johnson; 3. Roy Williams; 4. Cortland Finnegan; 5. Josh McDaniels

Kevin Boss just ran through that tackle like it wasn't happening. Seems like he hasn't become what the Giants thought he would when they traded Shockey, and they're going to need him now with their receivers dropping left and right (BTW, we've located Devin Thomas; the Giants just picked him up off waivers from the Panthers, of all teams.) That's a lot of sacks at one time. The Giants needed this win to avoid having that happen again. On the other side, the Jaguars clearly can't be trusted. (Giants 24, Jaguars 20)

I mean, I guess by the transitive property the Lions are unluckier than the Bills because the Bills beat them, but man, it's close. (Steelers 19, Bills 16, OT)

You know, you'd think going through life named "Cortland", you'd eventually figure out how to handle yourself in a fight. That's all I'm saying. (Texans 20, Titans 0)

What I'm actually most interested in seeing is if Mike Martz actually uses tight end Greg Olsen in the passing game, given how bad the Eagles are at covering tight ends, even though they're also starting two backups at cornerback. Of course I'll need to wait a bit on that as the Eagles have won the toss. Five plays in and it looks like Martz has chosen the wide receivers. Also, now that they've decided on their guys for the offensive line, that group's starting to play better as evidenced by Forte snapping off that 60-yarder or whatever it was. On the other side, it's amazing the difference Peppers has made for the Bears — they can get pressure with four and just use everybody else to fill in passing lanes, like Urlacher did there just before he got beat by Maclin on the next play. They're also mostly healthy, which never hurts. And again the Eagles' red-zone offense from two years ago makes an appearance. Well, the interception-less streak had to end sometime. What an ugly-looking pass, though. Oh, it was tipped. Should he have even run it out? Uh-oh. That could turn into the game-changer if the Bears get a touchdown here. Look at Cutler playing in control and making intelligent decisions. This Eagles secondary is getting used and abused — the safeties are having to do different things to help out the corners who are getting lit up and it's just not going well all the way around. On the other side, it's amazing the difference Peppers has made for the Bears — they can get pressure with four and just use everybody else to fill in passing lanes. They're also mostly healthy, which also helps. Kicking this field goal looks worse because of the other one they kicked earlier at the 4-yard line, but it's 4th and 18 here. Even so, they should have gone for the first one because if you don't make it, the game's over anyway. Whoa, Celek finally caught a pass! And it was behind him and in triple coverage? He catches that one but misses about four when he's wide open? Whatever. I'll tell you this: I don't want to come here in January and face them on this field if they keep this up. And the rest of you shouldn't, either. (Bears 31, Eagles 26)

Sorry, Bucs... you're just not ready yet. But it's better this way in the long run. (Ravens 17, Buccaneers 10)

Even given the Colts' historical struggles with the 3-4 and the Chargers' seeming knowledge of how to rattle their cage, this is nuts. Three interceptions again? OK, we won't blame Peyton for that one because Weddle clearly pulled Wayne out of the path of the pass and finished the route himself (how no official sees that is beyond me) but he's been genuinely awful for the first time in a long time. (Chargers 36, Colts 14)

Brian Westbrook lives! I think before this he'd gotten more carries in London than he had in every other game in America this season. The Cardinals fan out there is pining for the halcyon day of Timm Rosenbach. Matt Leinart's sitting at home watching the postgame saying, "See, I wouldn't have done THAT, either." (49ers 27, Cardinals 6)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (5-7, L1): Still in eighth place (actually a four-way tie for seventh) after a not-so-good loss.

JackSux 7 (5-7, W1): Unexpectedly back in the hunt after Brady carries me to a win over Butch.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. N.Y. Jets (9-2) — Taking it easy for once
2. New England (9-2) — Gearing up for a showdown
3. Atlanta (9-2) — Making another statement
4. Baltimore (8-3) — It's quiet down there. TOO quiet

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-8) — The Cardinals are back, ladies and gentlemen
30. Buffalo (2-9) — Adding the Shawne Merriman waiver pickup to the list of fantastic blunders
31. Cincinnati (2-9) — Do not diss The Island
32. Carolina (1-10) — Assuming Andrew Luck declares... do you even take him?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Late Shows

Joe Theismann? Really, NFL Network? Really? All right, I suppose I'll suffer through this. The Falcons are eating the Ravens' defense alive with all this underneath stuff. Someone made a bad misread on the Snelling touchdown and I can't tell who. Maybe it was multiple someones. Does the Ravens' offense know there's a game tonight? Do they know where midfield is? Seriously, Matty Ice is carving them up. 20 of 28 passing in the first half? That's nuts. That interception's not going to help the Ravens' cause. That's more like it. You know whose name I haven't heard much tonight is Michael Turner. The Ravens should just not line Flacco up under center. They just shouldn't do it. He's been so much more effective from the shotgun tonight it isn't funny. Ravens lead! Or do they? Yeah, that's not getting overturned. That is pass interference. Touchdown! And all that after the announcers kept stressing that the Ravens couldn't let White get free. Well, he did push off but Wilson should probably have tried getting up and trying to run him down instead of yelling at the officials. Or, y'know, not let them go 62 yards down the field in 45 seconds. Just a thought. Don't run that kickoff out. Don't run it... OHHH! He'll live to regret that. (Falcons 26, Ravens 21)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ CLE, MIN @ CHI, DAL @ NYG, STL @ SF (about two minutes for the Jackson touchdown, then OT)

Greg Olsen caught a pass! Stop the presses! The Vikings are tackling like girls when they're not completely whiffing in kick coverage. Oh, great, a touchdown before the half. Just what this team's fragile state needs. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Gould makes that the overwhelming majority of the time. What did I JUST SAY, Brett. I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's time to start giving the Bears some real credit. I mean, they're 6-3 despite some real flaws, but their defense is playing back to form and Devin Hester is Devin Hester again. Stop kicking to him, by the way. You'd think the Vikings would know better. And there's Cutler doing his best Favre impression. What a waste of a perfectly good punt return that ended up being. Was that the same guy, even? I think it was. Is that one on Favre? Oh, yeah, the receiver fell down or something. That's close but I don't think it's getting overturned. I know we were just here last week with about this much time left, but that's hard to do two weeks in a row. Now Shiancoe falls down and another pass gets picked off? Are there tripwires in the grass at Soldier Field or something? Game, set, match. crosses off Vikings (Bears 27, Vikings 13)

Take heart, Lions: You're no longer putrid... just unlucky. (Bills 14, Lions 12)

Outsmarting ourselves already, Mangenius? Even now that LeBron's gone, it's still not safe for Braylon Edwards to go back to Cleveland. Does anyone throw out of the Wildcat anymore? I'm a bit stunned that the Browns can be so one-dimensional and are still hanging with the Jets here. Mangini's doing something right. On the other side, how many times has Sanchez escaped certain doom at the hands of the Browns' pass rush? Four? Five? Nick Folk, ladies and gentlemen... Nick Folk. Sanchez get away AGAIN! That was a big stop by the Browns, and this field goal's not a lock by any means. But Folk made that one. Is this where the legend of Colt McCoy begins? He just did that in, what, his fourth start, against what's supposed to be one of the league's best defenses with receivers that would struggle to make two-thirds of NFL rosters. OVERTIME. He's inbounds. What's #80 doing? Go for the ball, not a chop block! Nick Folk, ladies and gentlemen... Nick Folk. He's missed about 10 kicks today. Does anybody want to win this game? Haden would've been better off dropping that one — I think it's too much to ask of McCoy to do that again. We're going to have another tie. On the same weekend, in the same state, as the last one. OR NOT. Holmes does it again! You can see on the replay the corner and linebacker stop because they almost collide. So much for the Mangenius Revenge Road Tour. (Jets 26, Browns 20, OT)

KNOCK IT DOW— oops. And OF COURSE Gus Johnson got assigned to this game. (Jaguars 31, Texans 24)

All right, let's see how this goes. That... is a touchdown. No? Here comes the challenge flag. That's still a touchdown. Confirmed. Aaaaand the extra point gets blocked. Awful blocking there by the Cowboys as in addition to the actual block, Terrell Thomas was surging in free from the left side. The Cowboys seem to be throwing deep more often. Maybe it's just me. That happened in the Jacksonville game! And David Buehler barely makes it from 22 yards? Insert Winston Wolf quote here. Seriously, he may be the worst kicker in the NFL and I just watched Nick Folk miss 21 field goals in Cleveland. Now Mike Jenkins is out of the game (joining fellow CB Terence Newman) but I don't know how much of a loss that is with the season he's having. Am I the only one wondering why Jacobs isn't in down here at the goal line? Oh dear. Someone screwed up on that and... is this guy gonna take it back? Yeah, that's partially on Nicks, who stopped, and partially on Eli, who threw it anyway. The Giants could use a touchdown here but they're not going to get it. The Cowboys just blew up the Giants' defense with that screen to Felix.

Wait, why are we going to San Francisco? It's not that big of a blowout. The POWER went out? That's the best thing that's happened to the Giants all day. I forgot how good Steven Jackson is.

And we're back. This game isn't over by any means if the Giants score a touchdown. Like so. You know who's terrible is Orlando Scandrick. Oh, that's why Buck was pointing out the stadium scoreboard — FOX doesn't have any graphics. Can't they just put a camera on the clock or something and show it in a window? Strange. This game is not over by any means, and with nobody left in a bad Cowboys' secondary and the Giants unable to stop giving up big plays, we could get to the 50s. Graphics are back. Seriously, I'm not sure if Bryant and Austin are that good or the Giants' corners are that bad, but they've looked very ordinary all night. And yet they're still in this game... well, until that happened. Wow, Eli, Jon Kitna's supposed to throw that pick. Bob Costas, at halftime of the Sunday night game, asks the question we've all been asking the best way I can think to ask it: "If this group, even without Tony Romo, is good enough to do what it did today for Jason Garrett, why weren't they professional enough to do anything at all for Wade Phillips?" (Cowboys 33, Giants 20)

That is also pass interference and the same thing Tony Gonzalez did against the Ravens on Thursday (stop to adjust to the pass, causing the defender to run into you). Can we trade the NFC West for the Pac-10? (49ers 23, Rams 20, OT)

When did the Broncos turn into the '99 Rams? Todd Haley and Josh McDaniels don't like each other? Shocking. (Broncos 49, Chiefs 29)

Belichick's 22-2 record after losses is pretty sick. GRONK. That hit on Ward was... dicey. Is the Patriots' punter really named Zoltan Mesko? They're doing sort of what the Falcons did to the Ravens — lots of short passes, not taking any chances deep. The Steelers are really missing Ward out there, as the young kids don't seem very polished, especially in the red zone. They're also not getting the consistency in the running game that they'd probably like. GRONK. Did Nick Folk fear for his job, drive from Cleveland to Pittsburgh, and abduct Jeff Reed at halftime? Or is that the end of Heinz Field that screws every kicker up? I can never remember which side it is. This thing's turning into a barnburner. Look at Brady with the spike and the primal scream. The Steelers have come unglued. You hear so much about Patriots-Colts, Patriots-Jets and Steelers-Ravens that you forget these teams really don't like each other either. The Steelers just ran into a buzz saw tonight. (Patriots 39, Steelers 26)

Fisticuffs! You heard? Apparently this was sparked by LaRon Landry talking smack to DeSean Jackson about his concussion at the end of pregame warmups, so Jackson may have taken that pass pattern to the middle and past Landry on purpose. Did Gruden really predict that double reverse? What's going on up there? This is basically how the Redskins started the first game. Moss needs to catch that ball. Seriously, nobody throws out of the Wildcat anymore. I guess the Eagles decided it was McCoy's turn. Are you kidding me? As an aside, I'd like to predict that this new running back the Redskins have breaks off a 100-yard game at some point during the season. JEROME HARRISON LIVES! This is absolute carnage. Maclin's turn? OK. Yeah, he's in if they say he hit the pylon before rolling out of bounds. So much for the shutout. Davis almost stumbled running down the sideline. I'm not sure it's wise for Stewart Bradley to basically come out and say, "We can't stop that play." Donovan's having flashbacks to the NFC title game loss to the Panthers. Are Devin Thomas and Malcolm Kelly still on the roster? I mean, the Redskins' second and third receivers are 206-year-old Joey Galloway and a 27-year-old rookie from the Arena League (who, to his credit, has had his moments as a Nate Washington-esque deep threat). They need to get the Banks kid they've got on return duty into their passing game; see what he can do. If I remember right, Gruden's Bucs were one of the few teams that had success slowing down Vick. Let's go easy on Donovan. He doesn't play defense. Of course, I'm not sure who on the Redskins does. Oh, look, Albert Haynesworth is flopping around on the ground like a beached whale. That's never happened before. Vick takes another one himself. Could they get to 70? Oh, a field goal? I love how everyone's getting involved. The Redskins got two first downs on a drive! I wonder what the D.C. equivalent of the Bronx cheer is. I also wonder if the Eagles are on the sideline checking to see who hasn't scored yet. Well it's high time the defense joined the party. Don't know why the Redskins are bothering to challenge this, and not even because they're probably going to lose... there's just no point. What this really is on the Redskins' side is seven years of terrible personnel decisions all coming home to roost in one night. For Vick, this performance is everything people hoped and wished he could become, and, for obvious reasons, no one ever thought we'd see anything close to this. Probably time to get the principals out of there for the evening... it's raining pretty steadily now and you don't want anyone getting hurt. Mark Rypien backed up Peyton Manning? When? Oh, now you don't put Rex Grossman in? Whatever. (Eagles 59, Redskins 28)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (4-6, L1): Lost to Dave, who became the first to clinch a playoff spot. Even so, I'm in a three-way tie for eighth (but out of the playoffs at the moment) and facing a fellow 4-6 team next week.

JackSux 7 (4-6, W1): It's good to have Tom Brady. He led the way as I beat the crap out of Russ (after winning our first meeting by only eight points) to stay in contention.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:

1. New England (7-2) — Got Jeff Reed fired
2. N.Y. Jets (7-2) — This is really close. Plus they beat the Pats
3. Pittsburgh (6-3) — Patriots + home game = bad times
4. (tie) Atlanta (7-2) — Even though they've lost to...
4. (tie) Philadelphia (6-3) — Seriously, did you see what they did Monday night?

BOTTOM 4:

29. Dallas (2-7) — Well, it's... something
30. Buffalo (1-8) — This may be as good as it gets
31. Cincinnati (2-7) — It'll all be over soon
32. Carolina (1-8) — Now that I think about it... based on the last two years, would you hire John Fox?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Absolutely Not Rocket Science

Signal Finder: NYJ @ DET; AZ @ MIN (Really, Channel 29? Really?); IND @ PHI

This is an... interesting choice of game. Braylon will be caught by no one on this bomb. Jason Hanson's still alive? Yeah, not after that, he's not. That play-action bootleg was a thing of beauty and a joy forever. Suh's kicking the extra point? CLANG. And he looks legitimately angry he missed it. Um... why not have the punter kick the PAT? Or is the punter the holder? (Forgive me for not knowing who the Detroit Lions' punter is.) Oh, Rex. Two time outs on back-to-back plays because you had 12 men on the field both times? You've hit a new low. Hey, Jim Schwartz, why are you calling a pass play on third down inside three minutes with the lead and an ice-cold backup quarterback in the game? Good thing Gus Johnson was here. Santonioooooooo. The Jets bailed Rex out today. The Lions' next order of business needs to be upgrading the offensive line because Stafford's too important to them to keep taking these beatings. If he doesn't go down (again) they probably win. (Jets 23, Lions 20, OT)

Ah, Vikings special teams. Why does Derek Anderson look competent? Put the flag down, Childress; it's a fumble. Ah, crap. The Vikings need a touchdown here and I'm not sure why they're not attacking the spot Darnell Dockett just left. I'm also not sure why the ball is anywhere near Jeff freakin' Dugan on fourth and goal from the 1. To go 81 yards in 16 plays and get absolutely nothing out of it... if this is how it ends, it almost seems appropriate. Or not, ad Favre seems to have reached down, grabbed whatever he's got left, and decided that he's not going out like that. Not this soon, at least. Right in Shiancoe's basket! Jared Allen lives! OVERTIME. That was Favre's career-high passing yards game? I find that impossible to believe. The Cardinals blowing a 14-point lead with four minutes left, on the other hand... that just feels like order being restored. (Vikings 27, Cardinals 24, OT)

I AM ERIC MANGINI'S ULTIMATE REVENGE. I did not see the post-game coaches' greeting. Did Mangini walk by Belichick and flip him off? (Browns 34, Patriots 14)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brad Childress; 2. Jason Garrett; 3. The Seahawks' defense; 4. Wade Phillips; 5. Whoever the Chargers' special-teams coach has blackmail of

On the one hand, Reid's never lost after a bye week. On the other hand, Reid's never not been utterly demolished by Peyton Manning. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE. Fun fact, kids: Michael Vick? No interceptions. What Colts uniforms are those? McCoy breaks off a 62-yarder on the first play from scrimmage, which means he'll get about nine more carries the whole game. The Eagles' red-zone offense looks like the Dolphins'. They also can't even cover backup tight ends. Seriously, Jacob Tamme is lighting them up. Oh man, Austin Collie's not moving at all. Here's the thing about that hit: At game speed, it's the right call because Hanson and Coleman hit him a split-second apart and it looks like Coleman led with his helmet. It's not until you slow it down that you see what actually happened — Hanson's hit bounced Collie into Coleman's path. Coleman wouldn't have hit Collie's helmet otherwise. Actually, the refs got that one wrong all the way around. That was a completed pass (as Collie caught the ball, turned upfield and took a step) and should have been a fumble. Also they called it on Mikell when he didn't deliver either hit. But that's not quite as important. This is Edge James' cousin, I've heard. I'm positive I've used the "I've seen fewer flags at the United Nations" line before but I'm breaking it out again because this is getting ridiculous for both sides. Bad challenge, Andy. Avant was out of bounds. Touchdown? Really? That's not even close. Throw that flag, Caldwell! Yeah, Vick didn't even sniff the goal line there. What's with the one guy trying to pull him backwards? I'm calling this right now: If the Eagles have to settle for another field goal here, they will lose. Well, Vick got that one. Is this game gonna end? When did the Yankees and Red Sox start playing football? OMG. That Punt, Pass, and Kick footage of Reid just blew my mind. Roughing the — how is THAT roughing the passer? Did he even touch Peyton because Peyton barely reacted to it, and he would have sold it like grim death if it was close enough. Am I the only one who thought, listening carefully to Phil Simms' opinion on that hit, that part of him really thinks it shouldn't have been called? Just from the way he said a few things. Touchdown Colts, and I will not be surprised at this point if the Eagles go ahead and blow it. The end around works twice in a row? How is that possible? Don't throw it, Mike! Remember the lessons of Drew Stanton! WOW you rarely see Peyton just airmail one like that. Ummm... I don't know what to say here. I've just witnessed a game the Eagles should have both won by 30 and lost, and they beat Peyton Manning for the first time ever doing it. I'm prepared for anything now. (Eagles 26, Colts 24)

And Chiefs-Raiders is still going on! Cable can't bench Campbell after this run, right? (Raiders 23, Chiefs 20, OT)

Collinsworth: "The Cowboys have gone back to basics, but they're basically bad." Is Clay Matthews already better than his dad ever was? (His dad — same name and position — was a baller in his own right, for those too young to remember.) Here's the only play you really need to see: On the James Jones touchdown, Mike Jenkins was bearing down on him, and once Jones caught the ball... Jenkins stopped and stood there and watched Jones run through two Cowboys attempting to tackle him and scored. There are no leaders on that roster. (Packers 45, Cowboys 7)

crosses off Bengals (Steelers 27, Bengals 21)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL Whiskey (4-5, W2): Used a rally on Monday night to beat Doom and move into a tie for seventh.

JackSux 7 (3-6, L1): It happened AGAIN! The first time I faced Johnny, he scored 157 points against me. This time, he scored 167.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:

1. Pittsburgh (6-2) — Defense leads the way again, as it should
2. N.Y. Jets (6-2) — Better to be lucky than good?
3. (tie) New England (6-2) — I know the Browns aren't historically bad anymore but... really? REALLY?
3. (tie) Indianapolis (5-3) — Marvin Harrison's a phone call away — and I'm not even kidding
3. (tie) Baltimore (6-2) — Not to be overlooked

BOTTOM 4:

29. Denver (2-6) — Should consider joining the WAC
30. Carolina (1-7) — A Tony Pike sighting? Dear Lord
31. Dallas (1-7) — Replacing Wade Phillips with Jason Garrett is like deciding you're tired of shooting yourself in the face with a .38 and switching to a .45
32. Buffalo (0-8) — Canada couldn't send them back fast enough

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Land Crashing

Signal Finder: ATL @ PHI, DAL @ MIN, NYJ @ DEN

I have no idea what to expect any more. That's a good start. What we're seeing here also is the Falcons' pass defense still not being quite up to par. I mean, how do you let DeSean Jackson get that open? cringes Well that'll put a stop to that. Like I've said before, you know it's serious when even the slow-motion replay looks like it hurts. It's almost a miracle that neither guy needed to be carted off. Did Maclin's knee hit? Yep. OK. Now we've got two drive-killing tipped passes for interceptions at both ends of the field. Moore's navigating this runback like a punt return. Siragusa: "I dunno; I don't think you can call a horse-collar on a quarterback." Also, finding out that Moose married a woman from Philly is kind of like John Elway's current wife being a former Raiders cheerleader... it's just not right. The other problem is that the Eagles were about to bury the Falcons and now they're on the board. You know whose name I haven't heard much today is Michael Turner. Four missed field goals at the same end? When did this game get moved to Heinz Field? The deep pass to Maclin off the fake end around was pretty sweet. Kolb was sharp today and has given Andy another problem to deal with, and I'm struggling to remember the last quarterback situation to be thrown into utter chaos in this specific manner. (Eagles 31, Falcons 17)

I remain surprised that the Seahawks managed to get more than a couple of tackling sleds for Deion Branch for all the good he did them. Just keep throwing, Ravens — that's how you beat these guys. Looking at it again, Brandon Meriwether's lucky he didn't get thrown out of the game for that. Leaving your feet and driving your helmet into the receiver's after the ball's past you? That's B.S. Part of why Branch has seven catches already is that he doesn't command the double- and triple-teams that Moss did. How did Danny Woodhead end up as the Pats' leading rusher in this game? If Branch doesn't pick up that first down this game might end in a tie. Well that took long enough. I was kind of hoping for a tie here just to see the playoff scenario calculator explode two months from now. (Patriots 23, Ravens 20, OT)

The larger development here is that Colt McCoy got out alive. Didn't Mike Holmgren say he wasn't going to play this year? (Steelers 28, Browns 10)

Man, Sanchez's interceptionless streak was living on borrowed time anyway (and the Broncos dropped two on the first two drives before that one). I see being traded still hasn't given Laurence Maroney the ability to run downhill. Tim Tebow lives! Somewhere, Urban Meyer is sighing wistfully. I feel like the Broncos' running game is suffering for the same reason the Cowboys have trouble — they use too many guys and don't use them effectively and in the right situations, and in Denver's case, they all do similar things. When it rains, it pours. So Prater hits from 59 but misses from 49? Whatever. How is Orton having this season with Brandon Lloyd and Jabar Gaffney as his starting wide receivers? That... was a penalty. SCORE. What was that? Where was that snap on the field goal in the first quarter? (Jets 24, Broncos 20)

Clearly, Mike Singletary needs to threaten to bench Alex Smith during the third quarter every week. (49ers 17, Raiders 6)

I may put the loser here in "Act of God" territory. Favre's getting pounded already. So who's that fumble on — Peterson or Favre? Greg Camarillo? Really? OK, if you say so. OMG. You idiots got flagged for the same thing LAST WEEK! Then Austin gets a touchdown taken away from him for pushing down a defender he already had beaten. (About five minutes in real time later, someone in the Jets-Broncos game also got called for offensive pass interference. Clearly the avenues of communication got cut off, as that penalty is called once and only once a week.) I know I criticized the Cowboys for throwing too much last week, but why wouldn't you this week with the Vikings down two corners? That's not usually as easy as Harvin made that look. That this game is tied at this point seems... appropriate, somehow. What E.J. Henderson did to Romo is reminding me of a Seahawks-Eagles game a few years back when Lofa Tatupu picked off A.J. Feeley like 16 times or something. And there's the go-ahead field goal. If I were a Vikings fan, I'd be thanking God every night I hit my knees that they play in the NFC. (Vikings 24, Cowboys 21)

What the... did the Raiders kidnap the Colts, steal their jerseys, and fly to Washington? I'm no longer sure who has worse hands: the Redskins' receivers or their defensive backs. Fun fact: This is the closest Donovan McNabb has ever come to beating Peyton Manning. (Colts 27, Redskins 24)

You know, the Titans are pretty good. (Titans 30, Jaguars 3)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (2-4, W1): Or, the NFC, as Max points out that seven teams are 4-2.

JackSux 7 (2-4, W1): Finally, a complete team effort.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Jets (5-1) — Resourceful — and a little lucky — to the end
2. Pittsburgh (4-1) — It's like he never left
3. New England (4-1) — Warts and all, they're still not an easy out
4. Baltimore (4-2) — That didn't end so well

BOTTOM 4:

29. Dallas (1-4) - C'MON, MAN!
30. Cleveland (1-5) - At least they're scoring touchdowns this year
31. Carolina (0-5) - I hope John Fox has a moving van reserved
32. Buffalo (0-5) - Still managed to lose by nine

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: The Artistry of Escape

Signal Finder: DEN @ BAL, WSH @ GB, TEN @ DAL

That's such a Bengals way to lose. What's happened to Carson Palmer? My God. (Buccaneers 24, Bengals 21)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Bears 23, Panthers 6

Well, there's an inauspicious beginning. What happened to Portis? Hey Packers, why didn't you kick the field goal? You go 85 yards down the field, you should really score. Just sayin'. And now the Packers are running out of bodies — I'm not sure they even have a tight end left. This Armstrong kid has basically become the Redskins' version of what Nate Washington was when he was with the Steelers; a guy you send down the field and throw a bomb to once a game that always hits. CLANG! Man, Crosby's fallen pretty far since his rookie year. And now if you're the Redskins, you're close enough that you can throw one up there and hope to get lucky with a flag or something. Or, you know, that can happen. Tackling him would be something to consider. Are you kidding me? Oh, OK. If Williams had brought that all the way back that might have been the most crushing defeat... well, ever, considering the circumstances. You know who's finally good is LaRon Landry. Good win for the Redskins, especially when you consider the fact that they've lost this exact game about 26 times in the last seven years. (Redskins 16, Packers 13, OT)

How many times did the Cowboys get called for pass interference on that first drive? Three? ESPN's Tim MacMahon: "Well, the Cowboys trail by 10 with 5:22 remaining in the first quarter. Time for Jason Garrett to abandon the run." Nice escape by Chris Johnson. Wow, it looks like that pass was actually intended for Bo Scaife but Kenny Britt caught it. Not only is Miles Austin the real deal after all, but something's lit a fire under Roy Williams also, as he's actually not terrible this year. Even scarier is that the Cowboys seem to have finally figured out that Felix Jones is their best back. On the flip side, David Buehler's making Cowboys fans miss Nick Folk. Mike Jenkins' play at cornerback today is reminding me of the salad days of Kevin Smith. He's been terrible. I've never heard of any of the Titans' defensive linemen but they're just wrecking the Cowboys — all three of Romo's picks came on balls tipped at the line, and the offensive line's been getting shredded all day today. This one might be over after that last one. Or not, as they've found Jason Witten in the end zone. I mean... whatever you think of the NFL's crackdown on celebrations, a rule's a rule. You know you're not supposed to go to the ground. You know that. This is why I don't believe in the Cowboys and wouldn't even if I didn't hate them with the passion of a thousand suns. You saw that graphic that said they're the second-most penalized team in the league behind the Raiders since 2006, right? The yardage they've lost today basically canceled out Miles Austin. Touchdown Titans! No, Phil Simms, the Titans didn't win because they made more big plays. The Titans won because they're not terminally stupid. (Titans 34, Cowboys 27)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brett Favre (and that was even before this happened); 2. The Chargers' special teams coordinator; 3. The guy on the Chargers who tried to scoop up the Rivers fumble that led to the Raiders' game-sealing touchdown; 4. Mike Jenkins; 5. Carson Palmer.

Toss-Up! Who will be more gainfully employed in two years: Ken Whisenhunt or Matt Leinart? Which quarterback's near-decapitation was more painful to watch: Max Hall's or Pat White's? Which throw was worse: Drew Brees' last one or Orlando Cabrera's first one? (Cardinals 30, Saints 20; Phillies 4, Reds 0)

Okay, kick coverage is starting to become an issue. Kolb looks much more comfortable than last week, which illustrates just how different the offensive game plan is with him versus with Vick (and also that two quarterbacks with such vastly different styles probably can't function long term as starter and backup, in whichever order you want to put them in.) They seem to be calling more of the short stuff that Kolb was checking down to last week, which helps. Hey, a Brian Westbrook sighting! You know who's good is LeSean McCoy. When did Trevor Laws stop sucking? Singletary is INSANE WITH ANGER. The fans chanting "We want Carr" are just insane. You want to replace one No. 1 overall bust for another one? You really want to do that? I think Smith just told Carr to go back to the sideline. Did I see that? Uh-oh. Didn't this happen against the Lions? Don't do anything stupid here, Kevin. Interception! This did happen against the Lions. Let's get out of here without making any sudden movements. (Eagles 27, 49ers 24)

LIGHTNING! All right, we'll wait. Here's a fun fact: Not only is Randy Moss the second player to play on back-to-back Monday Night Football games for two different teams (the immortal Keith Browner is the other), but barring injury, he's in line to be the only player who will play in 17 regular-season games this year. Is it wise to send a gimpy Brett Favre out on a trick play with Moss throwing it? (Also, that only works against the Giants.) Seriously, between that and how little Peterson's being used, it's almost like the Vikings flew Jason Garrett in to call their plays. Jets are scuffling on offense (Braylon has the drops again) but the Vikings look worse. Favre keeps grabbing his arm. He looks like a 41-year-old man playing quarterback in the NFL, and there haven't been many of those. See, that's how that's supposed to work. No need for tricky role reversals. LDT and Greene have been having their way with the Vikings' run defense. It's kind of sick. Revis looks hobbled tonight and the Jets have not been able to find Harvin to stop him. Um, Rex, why are you even calling a pass play there? You're lucky you got to two minutes. The irony is that Harvin might have had a shot at that one had he not altered his route by knocking Revis to the ground. Gee, that's never happened before. Though it was more "nice play by Lowery" than "bad throw by Favre." But still. (Jets 29, Vikings 20)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (1-4, L1): Well, at least we didn't set a new all-time lowest score.

JackSux 7 (1-4, L2): I seem to be catching everybody on their best week, as I've had 40 more points scored against me than the next team.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Jets (4-1) — Can Tomlinson keep this up?
2. Baltimore (4-1) — Offense starting to gel
3. Pittsburgh (3-1) — Welcome back(?), Ben
4. Atlanta (4-1) — Just doing what needs to be done

BOTTOM 4:

29. Cleveland (1-4) - At least they're scoring touchdowns this year
30. San Francisco (0-5) - The best 0-5 team ever?
31. Carolina (0-5) - Honestly, it's probably time to trade Steve Smith
32. Buffalo (0-5) - Jaguars-Bills: NO BUYS!

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Home Invaders

Signal Finder: PIT @ BAL, CAR @ NO, DEN @ TEN (end), WSH @ PHI

First the Texans, then the Jaguars? Maybe the Colts aren't immune. (Jaguars 31, Colts 28)

This'll be fun if you're turned on by BLOOD HATRED. "Well before the pass was thrown..." ACTING! Mason got all kinds of crossed up on the Taylor interception. Reed missed again?? If I hadn't just seen Garrett Hartley on the Saints' sideline just now, I'd think the Ravens pulled off a double kidnapping. Fabian Washington bailing out on an interception because Haloti Ngata was barreling toward him was pretty funny. That's the second third down Pittsburgh's converted on this drive. He's getting in. Yep. This is a very important drive for Flacco here. He's really working that left side for some reason, and that reason is that that side's where the completions are. Go for it on fourth down? Sure. Wow, that had zero chance of working. Let's see if the Ravens can get a stop this time. Oh, that's a huge penalty. I stand corrected... this is a very important drive for Flacco here. It's also a fair bit easier than the last one. There's no need to force anything with the short distance they have to go. TOUCHDOWN! I still don't get why they brought T.J. in but they're sure glad they did. Man, that Ray Lewis is everywhere. (Ravens 17, Steelers 14)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Division games are always back-and-forth, whether through sludge or jet streams. I can't really tell if the Saints are keeping Carolina in this or if the Panthers are just giving them all they've got, because "all they've got" isn't a whole lot. I mean, their two longest plays have been a big run by Williams and the flip to Stewart. That is a fumble and John Fox is about to lose this challenge. Oh dear. If Steve Smith 1.0 can't come back and the Saints go ahead, this game's over. And the Saints have gone ahead. Yeah, that's about right. (Saints 16, Panthers 14)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-5: A Bears offensive lineman; 6. Nate Clements; 7. Jeff Reed

Hey, I like Kyle Orton too, but he does not need to be throwing 50 passes in a game. Did that guy just jump to field a kickoff? That's... sub optimal. (Broncos 26, Titans 20)

Again, the burgundy uniforms just add to the surrealness of all this. What's that? A standing ovation? Good on ya, fellow Philly fans. also stands and claps Can we stop that guy running back the punt, whoever he is? Ryan Torain's one of about 42 running backs Shanahan had in Denver near the end, and the Eagles have never been able to stop Portis. This started badly and hasn't gotten any better — it's like the wrong team has been affected by all the hype. Seriously, my kingdom for someone in an Eagles uniform who can cover a tight end. Some points here would be nice. Ouch! I don't know what gets hurt when you get sandwiched like that but that looks painful. So now we end up with McNabb vs. Kolb after all? Crazy. This review has taken five minutes. This is ridiculous. DELAY OF GAME? Dear Lord. (This actually didn't matter because the Eagles played so badly they wouldn't have gotten the touchdown anyway. Plus, the way Reid addressed it on Monday makes it sound like it wasn't actually his fault.) This game suddenly got ponderous. Have the Eagles been triple-teaming Santana Moss or something? I think he's caught one pass and nobody else on the outside is any kind of threat. Kolb seems to have adopted the Trent Edwards strategy of going through his progressions in reverse — has he tried a pass longer than 10 yards? These stats are truly nutty — McCoy has nine catches; nobody else has three. Nice save by Justice on the fumble. Kolb's stat line's going to be really deceiving given how poorly he's played. I mean, I don't want to write the kid off after five quarters, but those were five really bad quarters. Which could all be forgotten if he pulls this one off— GAHHH! That ball needs to be caught. (Redskins 17, Eagles 12)

Good news, Chargers: September's over. Matt Leinart's watching these highlights thinking to himself, "I could've done THAT." (Chargers 41, Cardinals 10)

CONTUNING TREND: The Bears' offensive line still stinks. Also, we all forgot how good the Giants' defensive line is when everybody's on point. Todd Collins is still alive? And who's this other guy? (Giants 17, Bears 3)

Miami's not been kind to Brady historically. Clearly, special teams was the solution all along. Nothing like a half-opening kickoff return to completely deflate a crowd. Now they're just piling on. Henne's stat line looks good but he's made some bad throws, especially in the second half. You know what we haven't seen at all? The Wildcat. Has Moss really not caught a pass? EVERYBODY PAT CHUNG TONIGHT. I'm sorry. It was unavoidable. (Patriots 41, Dolphins 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (1-3, W1): Arian Foster not starting gave me a scare. Then he came back in and everything was all right.

JackSux 7 (1-3, L1): Eh.

And now it's time for...

RANKINGS!

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Jets (3-1) - Sanchez starting to play to strengths
2. Baltimore (3-1) - Veterans helping prop up Flacco
3. Houston (3-1) - Newfound running game makes them even more dangerous
4. Pittsburgh (3-1) - Running and defense; the formula is back

BOTTOM 4:

29. Carolina (0-4) - Probably should have gone with Clausen from the jump
30. Oakland (1-3) - At least McFadden's having a good year
31. San Francisco (0-4) - A real head-scratcher
32. Buffalo (0-4) - Same old, same old

----------------
Listening to: Lostprophets - We Still Kill The Old Way
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: A Fine Mess

Signal Finder: TEN @ NYG, PHI @ JAX, IND @ DEN

Um, Eli... you're not left-handed. Postgame: "I don't even know what the ball was doing in my left hand, to be honest with you." This is not going well at all and it's kind of amazing the Giants are only down 10-3. Make that tied. Nice run. Wait, what? An illegal chop block in the end zone? That's a safety! And now it's all starting to come apart. Guys picking fights, shoving people around, late hits... I'm surprised Coughlin's head isn't actually on fire on the sideline. Hey, a Shawn Andrews sighting! It's the Chris Johnson diet. And now Antrel Rolle's sitting down too. Dierdorf: "Where are the other nine Giants?" Me: "On the bench." This can't continue. (Titans 29, Giants 10)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Patriots 38, Bills 30

I don't remember where I read it, but last week someone wrote "the NCAA's proximity karma bomb went off inside Reggie Bush's leg." Apparently the shrapnel got caught in Garrett Hartley's - how do you miss from 29 yards? And that badly to boot? Calm down, Falcons. You haven't won anything yet. (Falcons 27, Saints 24, OT)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II: You let Peyton Hillis go off for 144? Really, Baltimore Ravens? Really? (Ravens 24, Browns 17)

Seriously, this is how Peyton vs. the Broncos always ends. (Colts 27, Broncos 13)

The flip-flop to Vick was so out of character I don't know what's going on anymore. Also, you know your game's bootleg when Ron Pitts and John Lynch are calling it. The Jaguars' pass defense is... lacking. We saw at times last year with Vick that the raw ability and athleticism were still there, and now he's in a stretch where he's putting it all together with some necessary restraint. This Cox kid is getting used and abused. Some pundits thought Jeremy Maclin was going to have a better year than DeSean Jackson and that seems to be happening right now. Man, the Jaguars are just... bad. And it's not even entertainingly bad or historically bad. They're just bad. And that'll be the end of the excitement for this game. That was easy enough, I suppose. (Eagles 28, Jaguars 3)

TANGENTIALLY RELATED: Posit: You're the Jacksonville Jaguars. Except for a surprising run to the AFC championship game in your second year of existence, you've been largely irrelevant in the grand scheme of the National Football League. Recently, you've become more known for the empty seats in your stadium and whether or not you're going to stay in town than just about anything that's happened on the field. Nobody seems to care. So don't you have to try to do something to create some kind of buzz, something to get people interested in your team again, even if it doesn't actually work? Shouldn't you have rolled the dice and at least tried to get Donovan McNabb?

I feel like this is karmic payback for Albert Haynesworth's latest losing battle with intelligence, selflessness and rational thought. Also, this might be the worst group of wide receivers McNabb's ever played with. You know how old Joey Galloway is? He's 206! (Rams 30, Redskins 16)

Seabass strikes again! That's such a Raiders way to lose. (Cardinals 24, Raiders 23)

Butch: "If only Braylon Edwards had managed that straight a line Monday night." The bigger shock there was that he caught the ball in the first place. CONTINUING TREND: This is the third straight game the Jets have allowed a 100-yard receiver. (Jets 31, Dolphins 23)

It seems like it always plays out this way: The hype focuses on the matchup between two - to this point - prolific quarterbacks, and the game turns into a defensive struggle. Don't kick it to Devin Hester. Especially if you're going to kick it that badly. The Packers have got to get a running back - Brandon Jackson's not cutting it. It's kind of unbelievable how many points have been left on the field in this game - the holding penalty that took away the Finley touchdown, followed by the blocked field goal, then the Bears deciding to throw a pass on 4th and goal from the 1 instead of kicking a chip shot to tie the game. Again: DON'T KICK IT TO DEVIN HESTER. That was a reminder in case everyone forgot. Not from me, from him. Let's see how they react. Intercepted. No? Roughing the passer? And two minutes later it's a tie game. FUMBLE. Put that challenge flag away, McCarthy; you've got no shot at this one. That is definitely pass interference and led directly to the interception to boot. Now they've gotta get the ball back. This... is probably not optimal strategy. I feel like NFL teams should hire someone whose sole responsibility is clock management. Whether it's spending the week designing strategies or just being in a booth somewhere making decisions and recommending challenges on the fly. I mean, there are about three head coaches who aren't terrible at it and I don't even know who they are. Why kick it now? You didn't kick it the first time!? The last seven minutes for the Packers were an absolute horror show. The Bears are 3-0? (Bears 20, Packers 17)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL: Whiskey (0-3, L3): This is getting ridiculous. Chad Henne is off the street and in as starting quarterback.

JackSux 7 (1-2, W1): Yay! Had to hold off a late rally from Original Pulp Heroes, but I've finally won a game this year.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Car Crash Theater

Signal Finder: PHI @ DET, PIT @ TEN, NE @ NYJ

And now it's two straight weeks of teams Eagles fans never see. Let's see how this goes. Pass protection's going to be an issue this season, I can see it now. That was pretty good. CONTINUING TREND: The Eagles can't cover tight ends. This Jahvid Best has some moves. Screen pass is right out of the Eagles' playbook. Yeah, he's gone. I knew he was good; I didn't realize he was that good. Vick's been running for his life back there so far - good thing he's good at it. And Vick gets away AGAIN. Touchdown! Still with the penalties? Disappointing. You know whose name I've barely heard today is Calvin Johnson, and that's part of why the Lions have given up 28 straight points. Still, there's finally talent on that side, though I'm not sold on the coaching quite yet. Yeah, I spoke too soon about CJ. Your hands got you onto this team, Riley Cooper! Don't let us down now! wipes brow Good thing this was Week 2 and not Week 12. ERNIE SIMS WINS. (Eagles 35, Lions 32)

CHICANERY RULES! Vince Young taking that double Rock Bottom was pretty wild. This is some ugly football. Ah jeez, now Dixon's hurt? Mark Malone's two phone calls away. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Where's Young? Benched? Kerry Collins? Oh, that went well. Someone tell him his career's over. That's your last play? Really? (Steelers 19, Titans 11)

The Bears are answering back well after the Cowboys go ahead. Didn't the Cowboys' defense have a three- or four-game stretch last season where they didn't force a single turnover? Jay: "Down by three, ball at the opponents' 38, and you're PUNTING?" Well, their kicker's not very good. You know who's been good today is Jay Cutler. How do the Cowboys have probably the three best running backs in their division and yet run the ball so poorly? I mean, Romo threw 51 passes. That's a recipe for disaster for anybody. Not that I'm not enjoying the Cowboys crumble under the weight of their own unrealistic expectations. (Bears 27, Cowboys 20)

This rivalry now is better than it was in the early 2000's because the Jets are actually capable of winning the game on the field now. You know who's still good is LaDanian Tomlinson. Better catch: Moss or Hester? I vote Moss's because he made it look so effortless. I guess the solution for Mark Sanchez is to just toss them up there like it's a volleyball. He was throwing some serious floaters and they were getting caught. This may not have happened if the Pats had kept Richard Seymour. (Jets 28, Patriots 14)

This is what I imagine Shanahan said to Kubiak at midfield afterwards: "Nice win. Don't ever steal my move again." (Texans 30, Redskins 27, OT)

I see this ending the same way the first one did. The Giants are sputtering. The Colts... aren't. The Giants' tackles are getting used and abused and Eli's paying the price. Oh, this is getting out of hand. What the... WHY IS THERE A HELMET IN THE CROWD?! I feel like they've gotta get it back. Hey, there's something. Now the Giants need a stop... and they get it. Let's see what happens now. Oh. Never mind then. Has anyone seen Brandon Jacobs since the helmet incident? OK, I was wrong. It didn't end the same way the first one did. This one was much, much worse. (Colts 38, Giants 14)

Safety! Um, isn't that why you pay Frank Gore? Oh man. Is anyone having a worse month than Reggie Bush? The 49ers are throwing away chances like the Vikings did in last year's NFC title game. And you see that? Three possessions later it's an eight-point game. Wait, they've got a shot at this, and they got down the field in no time, too. TOUCHDOWN. They'll go for two now, obviously. I don't think the ball's across the plane. Well, wait a minute... this latest shot shows that it probably is across, but I can't tell. WOW. As I've said before, that's why I don't have that job - I couldn't have overturned it. The downside is, they've left the Saints with entirely too much time. Way to get your head in the game, Shockey. It's GOOD! Did somebody get a piece of that? (Yes.) The best teams figure out ways to survive games like this. (Saints 25, 49ers 22)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (0-2, L2): Here's all you need to know: Not only did my backup quarterback outscore Brett Favre, my backup quarterback is Ben Roethlisberger.

JackSux 7 (0-2, L2): Johnny had Best. You can guess the ending.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Rocks of Gibraltar

That was quick and possibly way too easy. Did somebody fall down there? What happened to the game? Oh, our cable and Internet are out. Let's go the highlights. The Vikings' receivers are struggling. Things just seem off. I mean, usually the defenses start out ahead of the offenses in preseason, but the gap's not usually this large by Week 1. Maybe it's the shorter week. This sure isn't last year. Not yet, anyway. (Saints 14, Vikings 9)

Signal Finder: CAR @ NYG, CIN @ NE, MIA @ BUF (end), GB @ PHI, AZ @ STL (end)

Arian Foster? Really? (More on him later.) I'm not sure if this represents a shift or not yet. Get back to me when the season's over. But even by itself, this was massive. (Texans 34, Colts 24)

It looks... pretty much the same. First observation: FOX's new score ticker is way too small.
Matt Moore, ladies and gentlemen... Matt Moore. Stay down, Grant. Stay down! That's a key reversal. Nice catch by Nicks. Did the Giants inherit the Steelers' kick-coverage units from last year? There's another big kickoff return by Carolina. That wasn't an easy throw by Moore so I'll give him credit for that. The Giants' punter is struggling. If I've told you once, Eli, I've told you a thousand times: You didn't get that contract with your feet. That sneak was about as bad as the one in the Eagles playoff game. Try covering The Original Steve Smith please. I mean, it's just not a good situation when your second-leading receiver is your third-string running back. Wait, do they really have a Scott Norwood jersey on display in the Legends Club? That is COLD. Seriously, it's like Jake Delhomme never left. (Giants 31, Panthers 18)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Buccaneers 17, Browns 14

Here's the worst thing about the blown call at the end of the Lions-Bears game: Even if you go by the rule they cited, Johnson had already completed the catch. The rule doesn't need to be changed, just applied properly, which it wasn't in this case. Poor Matthew Stafford. (Bears 19, Lions 14)

Hey, a Wes Welker sighting! *applauds respectfully* The Bengals have a good defense and the Patriots are cutting it up like it's nothing. Oh, it's starting to get ugly in all phases now. No on e was even close to tackling Guyton on that interception return. Well, Cincy's trying to make a game of it. I guess the Patriots scored again because I'm now watching Dolphins-Bills. (Patriots 38, Bengals 24)

Ah, same old Raiders. (Titans 38, Raiders 13)

Apparently Reid's calling the Packers' offensive plays also. I like these uniforms. You can actually tell they're green. These offenses look sluggish. Oh my God. Friends, the human knee is not meant to bend in that direction. I gotta go back to Napoleon McCallum to find one that bad. The Eagles' blitz pickups have been awful so far - Clay Matthews is wrecking people like Lawrence Taylor in his prime. Like... right there. Ouch. Are the Packers actually gonna try this? 56 yards! Props. CONTINUING TREND: The Eagles giving up points just before the half. A concussion for Kolb? What, did they screw up the first diagnosis? Because I saw that hit and he went back out after they said it was his jaw. Ah, well. Let's see what Vick can do. That's a good start. Shame the Eagles have given up 20 unanswered points, which has also caused the running game to grind to a halt, along with Weaver's absence. Why's Brandon Jackson getting all this run? Not a good throw by Rodgers on the Allen interception. I'm tempted to think Reid should have waited until the five-minute mark to start using his time outs but it's not his worst clock-management performance ever. Well that was telegraphed. This result was expected. The path taken was disturbing. Dad: "WHO IS THE QB NEXT WEEK?" Me: "God only knows." (Packers 27, Eagles 20)

The fact that the Redskins are wearing the burgundy jerseys, which happens twice a year tops, makes this look even stranger than it already would have. I find it strange that NBC would choose to show us the first meeting between these teams last season... oh, wait, it's not? Are you sure? Bigger news than the idea that the Redskins don't have anyone who can cover Miles Austin is that the Cowboys don't seem to have anyone who can cover anyone - Santana Moss has been running wild out there. Well, as much as one can run wild in a 3-0 game. Why aren't they just taking a knee here? WHAT WAS THAT. Phillips, to Andrea Kremer: "You gotta just take a knee there." Aren't you the head coach? Can't you tell them to take a knee? On a related note, has anyone's coaching star fallen as far as fast as Jason Garrett's? I will say I'm enjoying Andre Gurode's Long-Awaited Revenge. OK, we've established that you don't have anyone who can cover Austin, but you could at least try. Wow, Roy caught a pass! A flag? HOLDING? Dear Lord that's fantastic. And just think, Doug Free was the Cowboys offensive lineman everyone was concerned about. (Redskins 13, Cowboys 7)

There's been a lot of this this weekend. We'll just wait a bit. Yep, still looks the same as it did yesterday. Most of the time, new/renovated football stadiums don't usually have the same "wow" factor on TV or in person like baseball stadiums do, probably because you can play around more in baseball with walls and field dimensions and architecture and all that. Nick Folk found work? I'm stunned. Wait, wasn't the field goal unit on just now? Did Cundiff miss another one? Ohhhhhh. The Jets ran into the kicker. And it was like fourth and 1 so it's a first down and Harbaugh took the points off the board. It would help Sanchez a lot more if Shonn Greene could hold on to the ball. We've got a defensive struggle on our hands, people, and we shouldn't be too surprised by that. What we should be surprised about is how bad the Jets' defense has been on third downs. It doesn't seem like Flacco's thrown 33 passes. Wait, what? Did Ray Lewis hit Dustin Keller so hard that he forgot how to count to ten? Ray Rice: "HBO is not going to win the Super Bowl." (Ravens 10, Jets 9)

How'd the Chiefs score this spot? The Jamaal Charles run shows you something they just didn't have last year. Remember last year when I was astounded by how slow the Chiefs were? With Charles, Arenas and McClusker in key skill/speed spots, that's not the case anymore. In the future, the Chargers might want to try kicking away from the kids. They look disjointed and Rivers is furious. Is this happening? Some horrible tackling on the big pass to Floyd. There were three Chiefs covering Gates on the final play. I think they miss Vincent Jackson. I also think it's September and things like this happens to the Chargers in September. (Chiefs 21, Chargers 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (0-1, L1): So, yeah... I left Arian Foster on my bench. And yet I was only down by seven going into the Monday night doubleheader. I'm not sure if that says more about my team or more about the Special Crocs. I ended up losing by 14.

JackSux 7 (0-1, L1): A good effort against Dupin. Just not good enough.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 16: Feeding the Beast

There was a game tonight? Oh. (Chargers 42, Titans 17)

Signal Finder: BAL @ PIT, CAR @ NYG, TB @ NO (OT), DEN @ PHI

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Ravens are getting flagged like they're the Raiders. Oh! How does Mason drop that?! Seriously, this is ridiculous – that one just knocked them out of field goal range. Why is Ben throwing deep? Another penalty? Of course it's on Walker – he's secretly terrible. Two straight sacks to end all hope. How depressing, and in retrospect, the Suggs penalty that wiped out Foxworth's interception return for a touchdown may have ended up costing the Ravens the game. Also, the Steelers held their opponent scoreless in the fourth quarter! Stop the presses. If you're a Ravens fan, you should be a little worried – that game in Oakland next week is hardly a lock at this point. Ask the guys on the other sideline. Better yet, ask me. grumbles (Steelers 23, Ravens 20)

Three incompletions for Brady against the Jaguars after throwing only two incompletions against them during the 2007 undefeated run. Yeah, I don't know either. crosses off Jaguars (Patriots 35, Jaguars 7)

Nice to see Nick Folk get work again so soon. Oh, wait, that's not... oh. OHHHHH. And now is the time for the Buccaneers to give the ball exclusively to Cadillac because the Saints can't stop him. You rarely see an overtime drive go like this with one team just running at will down the field. You know Tampa's beaten two playoff teams? And they're talking about dumping Morris after one year when they had to know they were going to be bad? They're nuts, right? (Buccaneers 20, Saints 17, OT)

I would not have done what Jim Caldwell did when Jim Caldwell did it. Only a five-point lead against a desperate team that's got a little bit of crazy in it and has held you down so far? Actual AP Line: “The Jets needed five things to happen and they all did.” It was 15-10 when the Colts' starters were pulled. The Jets then scored 19 unanswered points. I guess that means that Peyton Manning is also the Colts' best defensive player. (Jets 29, Colts 15)

You know who got the biggest ovation? Westbrook. Help me out here: if it's a backwards pass, it's treated as a lateral and it doesn't matter that it hit the ground? Is that how it works? Dumervil has become a monster in the Broncos' new 3-4 defense. Wait, they're tossing Stokley? For what? Ohhhhh. That was completely unintentional but there's no give whatsoever on that rule. This... isn't gonna work. I'm not sure if it made the broadcast but on the radio report Dawkins was pointing to himself after the Celek touchdown. You know who doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot is Brandon Marshall. I said this to my dad also: I still maintain that pass interference penalties would be cut in half if defenders just turned around. Nice catch, Avant. I think the Broncos broke into the Eagles' locker room at halftime and stole all their defensive plays. Hey, guys, how about wrapping up Gaffney instead of just putting a hit on him and hoping he falls down on his own? I don't think Macho Harris should return kickoffs any more. There's been some horrific punting in this game. Wow, McNabb's gonna get the first down here. And finally a good punt by Rocca. McNabb's run was huge, as it completely turned the field position around. Did he catch that? He caught that. You can see Reid mouth “One second” there. It's GOOD. Also not going unnoticed: the Broncos might be doing it again. (Eagles 30, Broncos 27)

Thanks for showing up, Redskins! (Cowboys 17, Redskins 0)

The Vikings do know there's a game tonight, right? Geez. Meanwhile the Bears actually look like an NFL offense for more than two consecutive plays. Not a fan of the time management at the end of the first half – they could have buried the Vikings there with a touchdown. The Vikings can't even get seven points out of a touchdown, and then they can't cover the kickoff. This could end very, very badly, especially since the Bears came back and scored in about three plays. This Aromashodu kid's having a big night. Don't look now, but the Vikings are grinding their way back into this thing. It's tied? Really? Are you kidding me with that kickoff return? And it's about the third one to boot and Hester's hurt tonight, so he hasn't been in on any of them. It's one thing for Kurt Warner to do this to a good defense. But Matt Moore and now Jay Cutler? That's a little ridiculous. I love the spin on that stat about how Favre's never led a comeback from being down more than 17 points like it happens every day. Did the Bears really call a time out right after the Vikings did? What is this, the NBA? And after all that, why was Rice not double-teamed? It's like the Jets against Gonzalez last week: you know where the ball's going; put a man in front of him. Now if the Vikings can cover this kickoff we'll have overtime, but that's been a problem tonight. Think Childress'll try to pull Favre here to protect him? Gould missed? That's rare. Peterson fumbled? That's... less rare. TOUCHDOWN! I feel like this was the Bears getting a small but meaningful amount of payback for all the times Favre has beaten them down in their house over the years. (Bears 36, Vikings 30, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

I went out with not one whimper, but three:

aPaFL: An uninspired loss to Brian relegates me to sixth place. Congrats to Johnny, who will represent our side in the Bacardi Bowl after winning our league playoffs as a 6-7 No. 7 seed (!)

JackSux6: Indeed. After getting knocked into the consolation final, I leave 59 points on the bench in McNabb and Sproles and lose... by 54. I will now light myself on fire.

Lincoln Continentals: Another big loss, this time in the consolation game. Such promising starts, such disappointing ends. Now I know what the Giants feel like.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. San Diego (12-3) – SING THE SONG

2. Indianapolis (14-1) – Just might beat Buffalo anyway with all backups

3. Philadelphia (11-4) – As usual, surging late

4. New Orleans (11-4) – Desperately need Sedrick Ellis back

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (4-11) – Has basically packed it in

30. Kansas City (3-12) – Still bad, but at least under-the-radar bad

31. Detroit (2-13) – Well, it's better than last year

32. St. Louis (1-14) – No Jackson, no chance

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 15: Blizzard of Confusion

Has Peyton missed yet? No? Oh. The Jaguars are hanging in there but they don't want to play this game like this – they'd have been much happier with a repeat of the pace of the 14-12 opener. Is Cox the Jaguars' best corner? Because I'd think you'd want to have your best corner on Reggie Wayne and the Colts have been exploiting that matchup all night. Like that. Peyton f'n Manning. I mean, this is how Colts-Jaguars always ends. (Colts 35, Jaguars 31)

Wow. The absolute last team you'd have expected to pull this off, given its history, did. In the Superdome, no less. Which will only make it the funniest thing ever if the Cowboys lose to Washington next week. (Cowboys 24, Saints 17)

Signal Finder: SF @ PHI (nope; maybe later), ATL @ NYJ (coverage expanded), NE @ BUF (swapped in), SF @ PHI (sure, how 'bout now?) CIN @ SD (broadcast rules now prevent it), GB @ PIT (well, just the end now)

And thus, we now get a win-or-piss-off game here at the Meadowlands. What? The Falcons are already eliminated? Whatever then. The amount of red zone fail in this game has been off the charts. How does no one stand in front of Gonzalez there? You know he's getting the ball. You've got three guys on him. How are they all behind him? Strange. crosses off Jets (Falcons 10, Jets 7)

Josh's postgame Facebook status: “I was OK, I was at peace with the fact that the Dolphins' season was over and then they had to go and force overtime and lose the game a second time. THAT was a bit annoying.” (Titans 27, Dolphins 24, OT)

You know who's good is Jamaal Charles. Larry who? There's a move the Chiefs don't regret. Didn't we just see this? For once, I agree with Deion: Pay the man his money. Here's how bad Brady Quinn is: Three hours from now, Matt Forte – who also isn't very good – will have rushed for more yards than Quinn threw for today (69 to 66). Seriously, how does your team score 41 points and you can't claim to have contributed to any of them? (Browns 41, Chiefs 34)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Cardinals 31, Lions 24

You just never get a feeling until after the first score, regardless of who gets it. Nineteen yards? Please. Jackson's caught longer touchdowns in his sleep. Really, Andy? Why are you doing that? Help me understand. Way to bail out your coach, defense. Moose: “Thank you, Shelton!” Kevin Curtis lives! And gets a nice cheer after that catch. Is McNabb gonna make it? He made it! Gore's broken off a few too many big runs for my taste. You know who we haven't heard a lot from today is Vernon Davis, which is a good sign when you consider how tight ends have killed the Eagles all year. Well, that'll be that. PLAYOFFS. (Eagles 27, 49ers 13)

And now for the end of the game we were all supposed to see before the Apocalypse happened. All right, Mike Tomlin. I like you and everything but what's this onside kick about? Holy crap it almost worked. Except now you've given your defense that's been lit up all night no margin for error... and that's what happens when you do that. Of course, now the Packer are playing a prevent and we all know the saying that goes with that. This ending seems... familiar. (Steelers 37, Packers 36)

Hey, you know all those AFC teams I've crossed off the last two weeks? Not so fast, my friends! You kind of wonder how the Raiders would have fared had they held on to Jeff Garcia and made him the starter. I'm pretty sure he could have pulled out two more wins. (Raiders 20, Broncos 19)

So here's how NBC ended up getting stuck with this sure-to-be dog of a game: CBS and FOX both get to protect one of their games from being flexed. The obvious choice – Bengals-Chargers – CBS held onto like grim death. The second-obvious choice – Packers-Steelers – FOX kept but moved to its doubleheader Game 2 slot. The result? We get to watch Matt Moore all night. PRO TIP: When you try to tackle Adrian Peterson, make sure he stops moving. Favre is getting used and abused. How about adjusting the pass protection? Anyone? Is Steve Smith trying to win this game by himself? Sure seems like it. And we really haven't heard anything from A.P. since that touchdown. Man, the Panthers are manhandling the Vikings. Surprising. The Cardinals didn't beat them down like this two weeks ago. RULES AND REGULATIONS. (Panthers 26, Vikings 7)

Eli just picked those guys apart on that opening drive. That was masterful. Imagine I just said that again. And again. Wait, what? Really? You're going back to the Swinging Gate after only a month? And using the same freeze-out trick you did the first time as well? That was Doomed To Failure. There's a reason Andy only onside kicks to start the game every couple of years. This is like Morimoto against the Ohta faction (with the Davis TD being the faction's only win, natch.) Johnny: “We could coach the Skins.” Bruce Allen couldn't have been a fan of this. (Giants 45, Redskins 12)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL: Into the consolation bracket we go, and we beat Gunslinger Mentality to get into the fifth-place game.

JackSux 6: So, yeah. I lost by 1.96 points despite leaving 40 points on the bench in the form of Reggie Wayne and Beanie Wells. But I'm not sure if that's more to blame than the -3 I got from the Steelers 'defense'. It's me against Johnny in the third-place game for at least the second time.

Lincoln Continentals: I got absolutely crushed by the Mustangs, who got 333 points from the Browns' defense and special teams.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. Indianapolis (14-0) – It's how they roll

2. San Diego (11-3) – Big win over Bengals just the latest

3. New Orleans (13-1) – Injuries help end perfect season

4. Minnesota (11-3) – Another December swoon for Favre?

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (2-12) – Winning the battle of who could care less

30. Detroit (2-12) – Culpepper not helping own cause

31. Cleveland (3-11) – Only entertaining against equally incompetent opponents

32. St. Louis (1-13) – So many needs and only one No. 1 overall pick

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 14: Shock and Awe

Two things I can't get over right now: How bad Brady Quinn is playing, and how bad the Steelers' offensive line is. Are you kidding me? Looks like it's time to re-open voting for NFL Upset of the Decade. Also, the ultimate question has finally been answered: the Madden cover curse is more powerful than the Super Bowl losers' curse. crosses off Steelers (Browns 13, Steelers 6)

Signal Finder: CIN @ MIN, NO @ ATL, GB @ CHI (end), CAR @ NE (end), SD @ DAL

The Colts – Peyton Manning specifically – usually destroy the Broncos, so for them to hang in there the way they did was a good sign. Let's put Brandon Marshall's day in perspective: He caught 21 passes. The Colts caught 20. (Colts 28, Broncos 16)

It's funny to hear the Panthers' DBs talking about how they think Moss slowed down when they lost and Wes Welker absolutely lit them up. Belichick: “They haven't won a lot of games this year.” (Patriots 20, Panthers 10)

As beatable as the Saints have looked at times, they still haven't been beaten. That says a lot. (Saints 26, Falcons 23)

Ah, Winfield's back. That'll help. Except for somehow losing track of Chad on the touchdown, this game's been more about the Vikings' defense shutting down the Bengals' passing game than anything else. I worry about the Bengals' offense at this point. Chad doesn't stretch the field like he used to. (Vikings 30, Bengals 10)

It's the unstoppable force versus the extremely movable object. WILD FROG. The thing about the Chargers' receivers is they don't have blazing, afterburner-type speed, but they're big, strong and tough and it almost isn't worth trying to be more physical than them. And there's another red-zone failure by the Cowboys. They obviously don't trust Folk right now but nobody else is giving them any kind of lift in those situations. And they were so effective running the ball on that drive. Must be that unimaginative play calling that Cowboys fans have been complaining about the last two years, and how do they not run a play fake at any point? Something I noticed going through the box scores: there have been a lot of missed kicks today. Was that a blown coverage? Either way, a sweet drive by Romo and company that actually ends with points for once. Man, if Rivers doesn't step up into the pocket, the Ware injury doesn't happen because Ware would have gotten him. Gates to the corner... touchdown. And after that touchdown, the Cowboys had the ball for about 3½ minutes the rest of the game. This is how the downward spiral continues. Also, how many points did the Cowboys leave on the field? Ten? Thirteen? That's not gonna get it done. (Chargers 20, Cowboys 17)

Did Seabass really try a 66-yarder? I see the benching hasn't helped Russell any. (Redskins 34, Raiders 14)

It's the state of the NFL these days that on the fumble return touchdown, Brown slowed down and turned around because it all seemed too easy. I mean, it was an obvious fumble but you're never sure if there's gonna be a flag of some kind. Aw, Trotter. You gotta bring that one in. Manningham's route-running... needs work. Hakeem Nicks will not be thanking his hands. He should be thanking his moves. See, the Eagles need to have McNabb and Vick on the field together more often, though that play would have worked better if Vick had started on the other side. Okay, after seeing the Jackson punt return seven times I just noticed that on his first cut, he looks like he's just sliding. The best thing that can happen to the Giants is their running game making a comeback. Looks like this is gonna be one of those games. Going for it on 4^th down has become an epidemic. Terrible tackling on the Hixon touchdown. And equally terrible coverage on the Jackson bomb. Michaels: “This is like a street game.” That's the shortest flea-flicker you'll ever see. Watching Eli on the escape/dump to Bradshaw reminded us all that the most underrated part of the David Tyree Super Bowl catch was Eli using all the minimal mobility he had to not get sacked on the back end. Manningham's route-running... really needs work. Wow, that's close. I couldn't overturn it. And they do! That's why I don't have that job. Goodbye, Meadowlands. Apparently the Giants' defense couldn't wait to leave. (Eagles 45, Giants 38)

Programming Note: For you Sunday night owls who have NFL Network but not Red Zone, the Network replays Red Zone at 4 a.m. Eastern so you can see what Gates has been raving about.

I'm not gonna say it again. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nate: “If the Bears are who we thought they were, who the hell are the Cardinals?” (49ers 24, Cardinals 9)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL: The other fallout from the Steelers' complete and utter failure was me getting knocked out of the playoffs by DeSean Jackson, of all people. With Willis McGahee and his two touchdowns sitting on my bench (because who figured the Ravens would dig him out of mothballs to help them destroy the Lions on the ground?) Charlie beat me by slightly more than a point.

JackSux6 (10-4, W1): I held on to beat the Lunatics... only to draw them in the playoffs, which start this week.

Lincoln Continentals: I did get some revenge on Charlie here, knocking him out of his own league's playoffs. Thanks, Ahmad Bradshaw! Well, sort of.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (13-0) – Entirely too close a call

2. Indianapolis (13-0) – Par for the course

3. San Diego (10-3) – Probably playing the best of all the top teams

4. Minnesota (11-2) – An unremarkable performance, but back on track

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (1-12) – Building a new ship is hard

30. Detroit (2-11) – These rumors about trading Megatron need to stop

31. Cleveland (2-11) – They've almost gotten worse QB production in their wins than their losses

32. St. Louis (1-12) – Somebody named Keith Null started at quarterback? Really?

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 13: Rise Up

O CANADA. Seriously, what's happened to Braylon Edwards? Any chance the Jets bring him back? Mark Sanchez clearly needed more sliding lessons. (Jets 19, Bills 13)

Signal Finder: PHI @ ATL, WSH @ NO (the last two minutes except for the final 32 seconds – WTF Fox), DAL @ NYG, SD @ CLE

Look, it's one thing to go cross-country and lose to a team that bad. But to have them come into your house and do that to you? Really? “I thought it was the Super Bowl loser who was supposed to be cursed.” Even so... I can't do it yet. But the Steelers are in “Act of God” territory now. (Raiders 27, Steelers 24)

The pace of this game seems really frenetic early, especially on the Falcons' side. Redman's acting at about two times speed. Well, here he comes. That reaction is decidedly mixed. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. It's the Leonard Weaver show! You know Moose enjoyed that. One thing I'm seeing right away is how on the ball the Eagles' defenders are. Very few runs after catches going on here. Why are the Eagles in the shotgun on their own 2-yard line? Oh. Peters is hurt again? He's becoming this year's Elton Brand. You know who's still good is Tony Gonzalez. The Falcons are finishing drives like they're the Redskins. I think you try to punch it in, too, because like Moose said, you make this, it's a one-score game. I might have called a different play, though, especially since they did that three times and didn't score. DENIED! Not even close. That's putting the hammer down and might be a game-changer. Is Andy going for it here? Well then. Touchdown Michael Vick. Has any other Falcons wide receiver caught a pass today? Smith's going to go for it again here, as he probably should at this point in the game. Oops. Sheldon jumped that route like he was Asante. Now the crowd wants Vick. This went well. (Eagles 34, Falcons 7)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Bears 17, Rams 6. Aside: How did Dick Stockton get stuck with this dog of a game? This matchup had Ron Pitts written all over it.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: The Meachem play is not only the “C'MON, MAN!” Play of the Year, it also sums up the Redskins in a nice little 30-second package. Twenty-three yards? And it wasn't even close! If the Redskins lose this game they should cut Suisham immediately. And of course the Saints go right down the field and score. Meachem was five yards behind the secondary. Really, Channel 29? You're not going to show me overtime? I think the only reason they were able to overturn the Sellers play in OT was that the Saints didn't take off and run with it after recovering it for whatever reason. It's GOOD! (Saints 33, Redskins 30)

This wouldn't be happening if Bill Belichick was still alive. (Dolphins 22, Patriots 21)

On the one hand, a Cowboys loss precipitates their annual December downfall. On the other hand, a Cowboys win buries the Giants, and I'd really like to have them out of the way as early as possible. Nice to see Roy Williams show up tonight. The Cowboys have been in control for the most part and yet they're only up three after the nice catch by Nicks. There's the Brandon Jacobs that's been missing, well, most of this season, to be brutally honest. You know how some animals are dangerous when cornered? That's what the Giants remind me of here. This is starting to look like a repeat of '06 when the Cowboys lost the ability to run the ball. Of all the adjectives that have been used to describe Jacobs, “fast” has never been among them. Has Romo really thrown 50 passes? (Giants 31, Cowboys 24)

They couldn't have moved Pats-Dolphins back to the late CBS slot? This is all we've got? Weaksauce. This apparently got interesting late. (Chargers 30, Browns 23)

Yeah, that's a touchdown. “Three feet?” Is that legal? I could see the Vikings sorely missing Winfield tonight. I mean, you can't double two guys. And it's coming true as Warner and the receivers are just lighting this defense up. You know two words I haven't heard all night? Adrian Peterson. The Cardinals have shut him down like I don't think anyone has. GUNSLINGER. GAH! The Henderson injury is giving me Tim Krumrie flashbacks. I'm not sure I expected this. That Warner kid's pretty good. (Cardinals 30, Vikings 17)

This is the first MNF game in Green Bay in December? Odd. No Ed Reed? That's dicey. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, Rodgers has time to throw again. And he's not using too much of it, either. How does Finley keep getting open? LOL at Washington getting shoved out of the end zone stands. Wait, what? That didn't hit the ground? Wow. It's like the Antonio Freeman play in reverse. Willis McGahee lives! I've seen fewer flags at the United Nations. Just turn around and wave at the ball. Is it really that difficult? Also it wasn't very smart of Mason to grab Woodson and push him away when he was about to overrun the route anyhow. (Packers 27, Ravens 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (8-5, W4): We didn't get a lot from Derrick Mason on Monday night, but we got enough to beat the Fire Island Ferries and secure the No. 4 seed in the playoffs. We brought in Justin Fargas to take Ronnie Brown's roster spot, and signed Mike Wallace for Hines Ward insurance, but our real question will be at quarterback: Favre or Palmer?

JackSux 6 (9-4, L2): Lost to the Original Pulp Heroes again after Rodgers' big night. I probably won't lose the top seed (I'm 150 points ahead of the top second-place team, so the tiebreaker likely won't go into effect) but I need to right this ship with one week left in the regular season and three 8-5 teams behind me.

Lincoln Continentals (11-2, W5): And here I was worried because late pickup Justin Forsett got hurt on Friday and I never reset my lineup. This was a crushing the likes of which I don't think I've ever put on anyone. My opponent had Shaun Hill at QB, who hasn't played in a month. Anyway, playoffs. Top seed here, and I'm facing Charlie in the first round AGAIN.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (12-0) – Entirely too close a call

2. Indianapolis (12-0) – 12 > 5

3. San Diego (9-3) – That Philip Rivers is so hot right now

4. Minnesota (10-2) – Speed bump

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (1-11) – You're supposed to pull the QB after the fourth interception

30. Detroit (2-10) – Not historically bad, just dreadful

31. St. Louis (1-11) – Steven Jackson deserves a medal

32. Cleveland (1-11) – Worse than last year's Lions. Seriously.