Showing posts with label Minnesota Vikings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Minnesota Vikings. Show all posts

Friday, January 3, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Fables of the Reconstruction

Wait. Did the Chargers just beat Peyton Manning in Denver? (Chargers 27, Broncos 20)

Signal Finder: PHI @ MIN, NYJ @ CAR, GB @ DAL


And the Vikings' Wheel Of Quarterbacks stops on... Matt Cassel again! I just noticed Patterson's wearing his dreads in a sock. He hasn't done that before that I've seen. Missed the field goal? OK. Hey, a Greg Jennings sighting. So I'm trying to put this chair together and it's a lot more difficult than I remember. Lot of passing by the Eagles on this drive. Oh, Nick. Really?

And if that wasn't bad enough, the Vikings come back on teh next drive and do whatever they feel like doing. Then this happens:

I guess the Eagles are back to never getting calls. Is there a reason I haven't heard LeSean McCoy's name at all? Not even to talk about how we haven't heard it? I mean, I get it: the Vikings' secondary is trash. Seriously, their left cornerback today is a bag full of actual garbage. But you have to get the ball in your best player's hands. I have no idea what went wrong on that Foles interception. Looks like everyone involved screwed that up. This defense is getting torched, which may be why Chip went for it on that 4th and 1 from his own 24.


Good job holding them to three, guys. Well that took no time at all. There's the real Matt Cassel. That took even less time. Are the Eagles gonna pull this out after sucking out loud for three quarters? 'Cause that's be hilarious. This kickoff strategy has largely been rendered irrelevant by the Eagles' defense, but that last one was particularly bad.


So the Cardinals game ended up happening two weeks later. Good to know. (Vikings 48, Eagles 30)



Tom Brady: 6-6 all-time in Miami. (Dolphins 24, Patriots 20)

Since Mike Shanahan's clearly trying to get fired at this point, I think every article about him should prominently feature his Redskins win-loss record. (Falcons 27, Redskins 26)

Can the Panthers bounce back? Yeah, probably. You know who's actually been decent in this stretch is Brandon LaFell — the Panthers have been looking for a No. 2 receiver for years. These offenses are moving up and down the field with relative ease but haven't had much to show for it so far. Guys, I think DeAngelo Williams is healthy. Don't worry about it, Ron. You're playing the Jets; it's OK to kick a field goal here. I'm amazed they've gotten three points. Hold up. The Jets are using Sheldon Richardson in the Refrigerator Perry role? And it WORKED? Blocked punt! WOW. Somebody blew THAT assignment. That's happened to the Jets a few times in recent years, I believe. I think we can safely close the book on this one. (Panthers 30, Jets 20)

I expect all of the points to be scored. Every. Possible. Point. And we're well on our way — four of the first five drives have ended in scores. At least Rodgers is growing a beard in so the mustache doesn't look nearly as hideous. Interesting that one of these defenses has actually showed up today. This is the kind of game where you'd almost expect Flynn to show how he got paid and he just hasn't.


Sooooo many field goals.


And that's something you never want to say sincerely. In all seriousness, though, it's actually kind of amazing that the Cowboys don't have, say, 38 points right now. Oh look, Scandrick just got toasted. That's never happened before. And he held? Brilliant. Suddenly the Packers are only down by two touchdowns. Flynn thinks he's playing against the Lions or something. You're kidding me with this, right? The Packers score again? OK, how is that not an interception? You can't tell if that hit the ground or not. And now we have three straight penalties. Absolutely horrible throw by Romo for a touchdown to Dez.




What's being done to this Cowboys secondary would be a felony in almost any other context. Seriously, Flynn's out here trying to get paid again. Touchdown Packers and the Cowboys are jittery.


OH MY GOD.


Joe Buck is going IN on the Cowboys' play calling and rightfully so. There's no reason to do things like that when you've been running the ball as well as they have today against a bad defense. There's no way they win now, right? Nope. There it is; Lacy (who had five carries on this drive) gives the Packers the lead.



OH MY GOD AGAIN.


I mean, I'd say this was unbelievable, but... is it?








That was... special. (Packers 37, Cowboys 36)



SAFETY! No? Not a safety? Al and Cris are thinking Marvin should challenge but they (and I) can't see how he'd win it, and that's a challenge you don't make unless you're sure you can win.And even if you were sure, why would you? By not getting it, you're virtually guaranteed at least one additional point and most likely five. And there they are. You know who's good is Antonio Brown. What happened to the punter? Did he get racked? He sure did. Now Mike Nugent's taking drop kicks like he's gonna have to punt.

Underrated: The Bengals holding the Steelers to a field goal on that last drive. This has been their best sequence. Didn't expect a Dalton sneak but it worked. Touchdown! This game is going slooooooow. Look at Bell jumping over people. I remain amazed that Pacman Jones is still in the league. And here comes Nugent in to punt. That... actually wasn't a disaster. I mean, this game's already over but it's still oddly compelling. It's weird how to me, Polamalu has gone from "guy I didn't know was still on the Steelers" to "guy who's had to do everything for the Steelers on defense this year." Whoa, the Bengals are trying to get frisky. This Steelers' secondary looks like the Eagles'. Did everyone lose Marvin Jones? I'm not sure why the Bengals kicked it deep but whatever. Has any decent team blown more opportunities than the Bengals these last few years? I think we're done here. (Steelers 30, Bengals 20)

"Silver Bullet Band?" I like it. They flagged the wrong guy there — 51's the one who hit Stafford in the head.
Calvin just dropped a possible touchdown. He doesn't do that. Remember when we talked about the Ravens' one-dimensional offense and we were referring to how they ran all the time? Has Calvin not been open at any point tonight? The Lions almost blew up that 3rd and 1 pass. That's the second time these refs have called the wrong guy on  a penalty. Good stop by the Lions. Wow, Calvin with another bad drop. What's going on down there? 

So Delmas's helmet shot actually saved the Lions about 25 yards there, because Bentley was all over Brown's arm.


Tip! Interception. Penalties and turnovers, man... killing the Lions forever. And on the other side of the penalties coin, the Lions, with their reputation, will never get any calls. Whoa, Gruden's channeling his inner Van Gundy right now.


Looking at it further, it does look like Levy was tossed to the ground and his helmet hit Flacco's knee. A bad throw by Stafford costs Calvin a touchdown. Clutch leap by Pettigrew to get the first down. The Lions are starting to work the middle now. Pettigrew again! The Ravens want to challenge this? Why? Hmmm... this one looks like it was still in his elbow when the nose hit the turf. Of course, I have no idea what that actually means any more. That means it stands. OK. Hey, is this Fauria any relation to Christian? Wait, the Ravens are calling another time out? Ah, they are related. Tirico: "There was more time than this last week, and there were five scores." THAT'S what this game reminds me of. Remember how Vikings-Ravens was an utter slog until the last three minutes? A draw on 3rd and 10? And then going for it on 4th and 8? I don't get this — if you were going to go for it on 4th down, why run straight into the line on 3rd when you haven't run the ball all year? Now, after the time out, they're trying the field goal, which makes even less sense. If that was your plan, why not throw the ball on 3rd down to get closer? Harbaugh did not think this through. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Just barely made it in both dimensions. This may be too much time with three timeouts. OR NOT. Way to channel Romo, Stafford. I love the crowd cheering the personal foul like it matters. Why are the Lions sitting on their time outs? Probably because they're shell shocked. Tucker shouting out the fantasy owners! I assume he had himself also.




Also, this is what makes them the Detroit Lions. (Ravens 18, Lions 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (12-2) — It wasn't a week off... it just felt like one
2. Denver (11-3) — That was... disconcerting
3. Carolina (10-4) — Seizing an opening
4. (tie) Kansas City (11-3) — Who says they can't score?
4. (tie) San Francisco (10-4) — Heating up again

BOTTOM 4:
29. Cleveland (4-10) — Back in a familiar spot
30. Atlanta (4-10) — Moral victories and all that
31. Washington (3-11) — Simply embarrassing
32. Houston (2-12) — Time to start playing for jobs




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Sunday, December 15, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: What a Fool Believes

Stafford's never beaten the Packers? Wild. Hey, Nate Burleson's back! That was a good drive with an unfortunate ending. Nice Pat Summerall tribute. Aikman saying "He narrated my career" gave me a slight chill. Bush just tripped over Calvin. Is there any team in the league that is more its own worst enemy than the Lions? "The Beautiful People"? Odd choice. Yeah, that's gotta be caught, Pettigrew. Akers signing with an indoor team at this point in his career was a smart move. Out of bounds? Really? Wow. Wacky catch by James Jones. Morgan Burnett's trying to get himself a trophy. Jesus, the Lions can't get out of their own way.


Oh, Stafford. Really? Then the Lions got the ball back and it turned into the Reggie Bush show. The Jeremy Ross Revenge Tour? First a touchdown, then almost breaking that punt return. That was too easy and the Lions, really, have run all over and dominated the Packers for the most part. Buck: "I'm not sure you're gonna ice David Akers." JINX. Of course if Stafford had thrown to someone who could get out of bounds, they may have had a shot or two at a touchdown there. Aaron Rodgers looks like Ron Burgundy's illegitimate son with that horrible mustache. Johnson bounced off somebody on the way to that touchdown.I mean, bounced off. Like, you could see the shockwaves in the air after the impact. This game hasn't been the greatest. Why is Stafford throwing that pass?


Oh, let's hope THAT'S not serious. MEGATRON IS DOWN. Also not the greatest: Matt Flynn. And additionally: the Packers' offensive setup. Wow, I didn't realize just how little the Packers have done offensively. Safety! That's the first GOOD thing Suh's done in a Thanksgiving game. Damn, he carried Flynn out of the end zone like "Just get off the field, son." Is that booth open-air? I kind of hope not even though we're inside. This is Detroit, after all. Nice catch by Durham. This is officially out of hand.


Whoa! How did Ogletree catch that? That was behind him. Nice job. I love how Buck seems to legitimately hate the Galloping Gobbler, if only because I do too. Fumbled snap? The Packers can't even get garbage yards right. DETROIT IS BURNING. Wait, it's just a plaque? I'm actually disappointed. Not as much as Packer fans, though. (Lions 40, Packers 10)

The Cowboys were guaranteed an AFC opponent for their Thanksgiving game this year... and the NFL schedule makers put the Raiders here and NOT the Broncos? The Cowboys 1) not wearing their usual throwbacks AND 2) wearing their blue uniforms is going to throw me off all game. WOMP WOMP. Wait, was he down? That's CLOSE. Yeah, didn't think they'd be able to overturn that. Simms is right — don't even bring that one out. Just take a knee. Also it should be noted that Williams isn't their normal return man — Dwayne Harris got hurt two weeks ago. Man, the Raiders have a lot of former Cowboys, which somehow seems fitting. The Cowboys' alternate returners are struggling — Beasley just lost about six yards on that punt "return". "Hawkins?" Can't people snap the ball any more? Jeez. If this is how it's gonna go today this game's going to be a bigger turkey than the one we're having. The Raiders are making some hot catches out here. There's ANOTHER one. I don't think that ball's in the end zone. It's not. Jennings almost ran out of real estate. Hey, a Miles Austin sighting! He could easily be another Cowboy-turned-Raider next year — Williams, Beasley and his own hamstrings have made him surplus to requirements. I mean, he didn't catch the pass thrown to him, but I was just shocked to even see him out there. What is with this Wildcat renaissance? Jennings has struggled to keep his feet on these last few runs. This Holmes kid is making Brandon Carr look like Orlando Scandrick. (For any new readers, that's not a compliment.) What's with these three-second overhead shots? That's three touchdowns in a row Oakland's given up. Simms: "Everything they call is wrong." "Snap infraction?"


Yeah, we've been done here for quite some time. I mean, that's nice and all (though it almost got blocked) but I don't think there's enough time. This sequence on the onside kick is so Raiders. Let's hand out some irons! Also, dessert soon. (Cowboys 31, Raiders 24)

SMELL THE HATRED. Not a lot of big-time programs in that Steelers' starting offense, and if we're being honest, not many more in the Ravens' offense. I mean, Flacco went to Delaware. Are the Steelers running the Wildcat to troll Flacco? I wouldn't put it past them. Illegal motion on the KICKER? I'm pretty sure only Shaun Suisham could pull that off. Also, Tomlin has an irrational love for fake field goals at inopportune times. Have the Ravens huddled yet? I don't know why I'm noticing that. Bell just broke one off. Sanders! Jacoby AGAIN?! Oh that's gotta hurt. How'd he get chased down? Really, Cris? You're surprised? I'd have done the same thing coming off a big play. STARTING? Is Collinsworth new to Steelers-Ravens? This was salty LAST Thursday. Are we really going back to the kickoff return to call out Tomlin for sideline interference? I mean, that's some serious gamesmanship.


A rubber chicken? That squeaks? That's uncalled for, Dierdorf. This Tucker kid doesn't miss.


You know who's good is Antonio Brown. Sanders tripped himself out of a touchdown. How do you give up 25 yards on a screen pass to the back? This feels like we're  headed for overtime. Hmmm... Miller may have been down as well. Nope. Gaaaahhhhh. That looked and sounded bad. Now we've got that helmet rule to think about also. Oh, they gave him the touchdown? They hadn't looked at it yet? Yeah, this shouldn't be a touchdown either.




At this point the Steelers may have to call a quarterback sneak, which they should have done at some point anyway. Now their center's hurt? I have no idea how this is going to end. Touchdown! But we're not done yet! Shotgun seems like a bad idea. Did he — no, he never had it. What the hell, Suisham. That onside kick was worse than the one in the Cowboys game. Wait, are we getting a Madden sighting? No? Oh. The kicker's getting a turkey leg? The Mayans were off by a year. (Ravens 22, Steelers 20)

Signal Finder: ARZ @ PHI, TEN @ IND (end), CHI @ MIN (end), JAX @ CLE (end), DEN @ KC

Hey, a turnover! I thought they flagged a hit to the head there. Oh well. BLACK JERSEYS ALL THE TIME. An understated part of the Eagles' improvement on defense is Nate Allen isn't God-awful anymore.


Still have no idea why Mendenhall plays more than Ellington. Defending the middle seems to be a problem for the Eagles at the moment. Bryce Brown is a "big, powerful runner inside"? Did Moose just get here? The punt hits a Cardinal, they recover it, then possibly fumble it anyway? And that's the right call. Cards got lucky twice there. I never like challenging ball spots. Chip might win this one. Yep. So what do the Cardinals do? Either decision could be justified. Mendenhall picks it up. And Fitzgerald torches the Eagles yet again — he took that hit like nothing happened.


Nice catch by Cooper on a way-too-high throw. Brad Smith hasn't taken a snap in a while and it shows. A field goal seems like a loss there. DeSean ended up playing defense on that long ball into the end zone that Foles overthrew. Wait, what? Why would you need replay on that? Why didn't the Cardinals call time out? Very strange. First down McCoy. That's PI and it was catchable — Cooper gut pushed out of the path of the ball. Touchdown!


DeSean just got Honey Badgered. That's two third downs in a row. That probably shouldn't have worked. Oh, OK, Ertz was more open than I thought. I refuse to get comfortable... these are still the Cardinals. They're covering the hell out of Fitzgerald now. Someone tell Carson that Movember is over. That's twice that the Cardinals have gotten a touchdown off of two Eagles colliding. That was a poor series. What was Carson doing there?


Trent Cole's trying to keep a job for next year. He's going nuts. Was that just a bad, short kick? The Eagles STILL can't escape Kurt Coleman's awfulness. Why is he still in the league? He can't do anything. Foles should have gone somewhere else with that. "Pass Rush Specialist"? Dude coached in Super Bowl I? THAT is old school. That was ALMOST an interception. I've been thinking all game I'm surprised Peterson or Mathieu hasn't been returning kicks. The Cardinals should challenge this... I don't think it hit the ground. They gave it to him? This is how it starts... and that Floyd catch is how it continues... and that pass interference call... and the tight end walking into the end zone untouched. And Foles throws his first pick on a ball he should have thrown away five seconds earlier. What? Defensive holding? That always goes the other way when the Eagles are playing the Cardinals.


Why did Foles keep it on 3rd and 2? WOW. That 4th down pass always either gets caught or pass interference is called. Wait, what? Foles screws up and goes out of bounds, but they call defensive holding? And then they got another penalty because the Cardinals were (probably correctly) pissed about it? But let's not bury the lede here: The Cardinals ALWAYS win this game. ALWAYS. Welcome to a new and glorious age. (Eagles 24, Cardinals 21)

I thought Harvard men were smarter than that, Ryan Fitzpatrick. (Colts 22, Titans 14)

Hey Jaguars, what's up with those helmets?This really shouldn't have been the best game of the day but so far it is.


(Jaguars 32, Browns 28)

What are they calling on Bushrod? Throwing the ball downfield? He didn't do that. Lot of stupid going on in this game, I'm hearing. See, I'm OK with ties. I think college football's overtime is a joke. I also think the NHL should bring them back. Does Chris Conte just suck or what? He's pleading he didn't grab Peterson's facemask — and he didn't; he horse-collared him, and badly at that. And the field goal is good. WAIT WHAT. Seriously? #40 dropped a game-winner earlier and now he gets flagged for a facemask that wipes out a game-winning field goal in overtime? If the Vikings lose this game he's getting cut.


And then Peterson loses two more yards. This is sad to watch. Now GOULD misses? He's money! That's... what.


Also, AD has 200 yards. Try again, Walsh. It's GOOD! 40 gets to keep his job. Happy Hanukkah, dude. I don't know if you're Jewish or not but you deserve some kind of salutation. (Vikings 23, Bears 20, OT)

Reeeemaaaaaatch. I don't know what Alex Smith saw there. Rolling out, throwing it across his body, that's textbook "how not to do that." Good to see Moreno out there after the end of last week's game. Dude's been a horse. The Chiefs finally got to Peyton! Sure it took a safety blitz, but still. Quintin Demps! Black guy named Hemingway? OK.


Nantz and Simms have good spotters. Whoa, Manning scuffling at Arrowhead. Not a great throw. You know who I like is this Cooper kid. Illegal formation? Dude's a guard, isn't he?That just wiped out a touchdown. And Fasano (!) picks it up anyway. Who had the Chiefs up by two touchdowns at any point? Put your hands down, you liars. I see Welker's back returning punts after last week. That's the second time Decker's gotten free deep. How many turnovers can be nullified by penalties in one game? I think these guys are trying to set the record. Both teams have slowed down — the Chiefs by themselves, the Broncos'; due to Chiefs' pressure. I don't know what the difference is but Peyton's been under much more duress than he was two weeks ago. That Trevathan interception that wasn't had the longest delayed reaction ever. That's a bad grounding call. Jesus. That's three times Decker's torched the Chiefs deep and Peyton's found him. We got confusion and discord all over the place here. the sideline incident, the almost-fumble. So now what? Chiefs punt. OK. That was BEAUTIFUL. Perfect pass, hit Thomas in stride. Excellent.


Another touchdown for Decker, who's really been forgotten about when people talk about this Broncos offense. The Chiefs' receivers have let Smith down twice on this drive. Cooper's having a bad third quarter. That's an obvious penalty.The Chiefs' receivers are letting Smith down on this drive too. Somehow they got a touchdown anyway. So many flags. One more shot for the Chiefs. A.J. JENKINS!!! That's his first highlight ever. Bowe can't bring that one in and he probably had a shot at it at least. Well, that's that. (Broncos 35, Chiefs 28)

So when was the last time the Falcons won in the U.S.? (Falcons 34, Bills 31, OT)

"And now, Giants-Redskins, because we literally have no better options."


And yet, here we are. Actually, this opening drive hasn't been bad. I can't say the same for the Giants' opening drive, as it started with Eli getting sacked. Griffin needs to stop ending up in no man's land. Is he doing it on his own? Is it the plays they're calling? Cris, let's not forget the Giants are equally bad. Or possibly worse, as Griffin is now 12-for-12. Then the Redskins let the Giants basically do nothing but run down the field for no good reason. I'm giving this game the attention it deserves, which isn't much. Also, Return of the Jedi is on. I think it's a little disingenuous for Collinsworth to just claim that RG3's looking to run first without evidence. Now, the one where Helu got free and was open down the field was said evidence, but you shouldn't just go out and say that for no real reason.


"You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet?" Stellar trolling, NBC DJ. Eil was under pressure and didn't make a good throw. They're showing Gilbride, who may be the most hated coordinator by his own team's fans in the league. Meanwhile nobody's blocking anyone, on the offensive lines or on the punt teams. Didn't the ball break the plane on that Cruz catch? Brown didn't make it. Oh, wait, looking at the replay, he DID — his body never hit the ground; it's on top of a Redskins player. Will Beatty's getting abused again. Or still. I'm not sure. This is bad.


I'm not sure why Shanahan is challenging this unless he's saying the play ended? Oh my God, that botched punt. Cruz just faked DeAngelo Hall out of his shoes.


Yeah, kick that field goal to go up by seven. Wait, WHAT happened? So on 2nd down, the refs moved the chains even though they got the measurement wrong, then the Redskins ran a play, but the referee signaled third down, the Redskins got the first down, then Hill took the ball out of Garcon's hands? So it was a miscommunication by the refs?


Every single entity involved with this contest is bad and they should feel bad. (Giants 24, Redskins 17)

That first completion by Wilson was a feast of errors. Man it's loud. WOW. Doesn't matter what you call that one, it's a touchdown. Saints aren't doing well at this present second. Wilson got lucky there — the coverage was excellent and it should have been picked off. Whoa! Where was the coverage there? How fast is Zach Miller? Nice block by 87 and Miller almost made it. And now we've got weather. Seventeen points already? OK. These penalties are problematic. You can't give Brees chances no matter how out of sorts he may be. And that's why, right there. That deep ball by Wilson to Baldwin was better than the last one.


Who calls a prevent defense in your own end zone? Maybe Rob Ryan really IS Kevin Nash. Tirico: "Why do they have seats here?" Saints missed a challenge opportunity there. Did the Seahawks just get into the Saints' red zone in about 10 seconds? This is on the borderline of getting out of hand. Sup, random grunge band assembled just for this sound demonstration. Gruden predicting that screen to Thomas was odd. The Saints just can't sustain anything.


Gruden's asking the same question I am: "Who are these receivers?" Wait, WHAT? That might count, too. How does one re-establish position inbounds?


I'd like to sincerely thank Ed Hochuli for those explanations. I'm not even joking. I know the Saints can explode offensively at any time but this just feels like it's over. Graham's the only one who's gotten any run to night. Also, this Maxwell guy's played well replacing Browner and Thurmond tonight. WE WERE STRETCHING OUR BALLS. I'm... kinda with Gruden on pulling Brees here. The only things that can happen to him now are bad. (Seahawks 34, Saints 7)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (11-1) — Establishing some serious dominance
2. Denver (10-2) — The AFC's road is still high and mountainous
3. New England (9-3) — Getting lucky again?
4. (tie) New Orleans (9-3) — A clear setback
4. (tie) Carolina (9-3) — Disregarding the burden of proof

BOTTOM 4:
29. Minnesota (3-8-1) — Putting in for hazard pay
30. Cleveland (4-8) — Wasn't defense the Browns' strength?
31. Tampa Bay (3-9) — What momentum?
32. Houston (2-10) — They were 2-0 at one point...

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Sunday, November 3, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: The Break's Over

Here's a #TrueFact: Ellington's already better than Mendenhall and should really be starting. Someone please tell the Cardinals this.







Do the Cardinals even have fans? That crowd didn't make sense. (Seahawks 34, Cardinals 22)

Signal Finder: DAL @ PHI, NE @ NYJ (end), BAL @ PIT

So Rams-Panthers turned into WarGames, apparently. And this appears to be why. Don't piss off Steve Smith. (Panthers 30, Rams 15)

That right there is a good reason to shave your head. FOLES RUNNING. Have the Cowboys called a running play yet? Witten lives in space against the Eagles and always has. 112 catches all-time? That actually seems low. Can't miss a chance to tackle Dez short. Man, we got sacks all over the place. Foles not playing all that well, to be honest. Really not much going on here.



Both offenses have done a couple things, but either they're off or these defenses are playing better than anyone expected. Uh-oh, the Cowboys are percolating. Pretty sure Fletcher's the Eagles' best guy on the back end. Foles has missed Celek twice in a row.






Wait, Dez caught that, I think. I guess they're not looking at it. Jason Hatcher's doing yeoman's work on that decimated Dallas D-line. What the hell, Chip? Trying a 60-yarder on 4th and 1 with a time out? That makes absolutely no sense. The Cowboys have 10 penalties already? Seriously? That touchdown might do it the way this game is going. Wasn't the greatest throw by Romo there but Dez still has to catch that. And Chip wins his first challenge! You know what the Eagles could use is somebody who could make a play on defense. Three minutes of real time pass INTERCEPTION! Where was that pass even going? Did Romo jump? Nice play by 27 to break that up but I'm not sure Jackson would have stayed inbounds. And now he's hurt? They've got enough problems. What? How? WHAT? This gets automatically reviewed because it's a turnover. That's an awful throw. I can't overturn that. Brenneman: "I'm glad somebody else has that job." They reversed it!



Go for it, Chip. You may not get this close again. Shotgun? At least that worked. And Foles screws it up by getting sacked. Event he field goal was an adventure. Wait... BARKLEY'S warming up? Oh Lord. It's worth saying also that the Cowboys are playing their best defensive game in about four years. And now the Cowboys are completing every pass possible. Well, this game's over. Barkley's first throw is already better than anything Foles did today. And the Cowboys jump offside, nullifying an interception.  How are there still nine minutes left? Sadly, this interception will count. Romo fumbles again? Blah, he got it back. This game is STILL going on? Hey, Barkley got the Eagles across midfield. So there's that. (Cowboys 17, Eagles 3)

Gronk! He's been rather large. But he just dropped the game-winner. Brady's doing what Brady does so far. And we're tied. Nelson did exactly what you should do now with the Calvin Johnson rule: roll over onto his back. Is it bad that I've already forgotten the overtime rules? Oh, thanks, Dierdorf. The hell? Folk from 56? Is Rex smoking something? An unsportsmanlike conduct? Pushing the opponent into the pile? WHAT THE ACTUAL. I don't see it. Lot of boos here — place must be packed with Pats fans. How do you even call that? I mean I don't even care, but... how?



That's it's unsportsmanlike conduct and 15 yards is incredibly harsh. Here's Folk again, from half as far away. Holy crap the Patriots are unimpressive. (Jets 30, Patriots 27, OT)

Nantz and Simms not calling this game is strange. Jerricho Cotchery still being reliable is amazing to me. Felix Jones always could return kickoffs. Rivalry games spur anger and emotion. The Ravens were lucky to get that kickoff back. Seemed like the Steelers had the ball a long time to not be across midfield. That is a fumble. I think Torrey Smith just lost a yard trying to get out of bounds. The Steelers are playing like men possessed... which sometimes leads to being offside like on that sack just now. Ray Rice is having a terrible game, by the way. The Steelers are going like they're running out of time, which they kind of are if you look at the standings. Mike Tomlin just activated a time vortex with that challenge. The Ravens are going for it despite their inability to move the ball on the ground. Quarterback sneak! The best move there under the circumstances. Flacco trying to do his best Ben impression. They needed a touchdown. And I hate this onside kick. The Ravens aren't even trying anything deep. There's the touchdown they needed last time, and they've left Roethlisberger with two minutes. I still don't trust Suisham. And yes, I'm well aware he made the kick. (Steelers 19, Ravens 16)






Back-to-back three and outs? Drink! Two passes and a touchdown. Entirely too easy. Don't know why the Broncos are punting here. Oh, right, John Fox. That ball's out! Whoa! What? They're saying he's out of bounds? Pagano can challenge this, right? Why wouldn't it be a touchdown? The Colts player wasn't touched. Oh, because the call was out-of-bounds, so the ball was dead and you can't advance a dead ball. This should be Colts ball at least, though. I thought Heyward-Bey got a raw deal from the Raiders - he was finally figuring it out and they cut him for no good reason. Holliday just got killed by the PUNTER. Crazy catch by Julius Thomas. Man, this place is still loud. Fumble into the air! Wait, he's inbounds. They have to look at this, right? Ah, his shoulder's out of bounds. OK. Safety! Nice run by Luck — Peyton can't do that. The fullback outrunning people was amusing. Ah, jeez. Champ just came back, too. It feels like the moment has gotten to the Broncos. And the Colts are also jacked up. Look at Fleener going airborne for extra yardage. Whoa! That was very well done. The official who would have signaled touchdown got knocked out of the way. Who saw this coming? Decker might have gotten that flag — or the ball — if he hadn't stopped. A couple of people have noticed that Peyton's throws don't look that great, especially after the fumble/safety. Where's Welker been? Holy crap, Luck. That's better, Decker. I guess he didn't catch it. Ever since the touchdown he's been having a rough night. Andrew Luck is the Colts' best running back. The Broncos haven't looked good for the last two quarters. Decker was very lucky to hang on to that and Peyton was lucky initially to not get picked. Now he's forcing throws like Eli's been all season.


That one didn't look good either but Demayrius bailed him out. Fumble! Broncos have enough time to go for this 4th and 1. Hey, Welker showed up. Still plenty of time here, folks. Touchdown Moreno. Third and one and the Colts throw? What? Wayne's down and he wasn't touched? Oh no. This looks bad... that's exactly what happened to Revis last year. Well, he's walking off, at least. Peyton gets intercepted! What was wrong with... oh, the rusher got Peyton's arm.



Luck probably should have taken the sack — keep the clock running. Are you kidding me with that catch, Welker? Does nothing all game and then that. And again! Wait, what's going on now? Pagano challenged without being sure of possession? Oh, it's Colts ball? Here's my question: Why wasn't Moreno in the game there? Along with his quarterbacking skills and athletic ability, Andrew Luck is a fine actor. Now we've got some Keystone Kops foolishness with these penalties on this punt. Dude's definitely loose. Holliday should have fielded the third punt. That's a bad sack for the Broncos. This I don't like... you can't waste time running the field goal unit out there. And that's that. THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER. Watching the end of game handshakes, I'm sad Reggie Wayne isn't out there. (Colts 39, Broncos 33)

And now to this, which feels like a walkout fight by comparison.


So who's the Giants running back? A seventh-round pick from UMASS. (Who, FYI, just moved up fully to D1 football this season. They effectively took Temple's spot in MACtion.) Peyton Hillis is still alive? The Vikings' secondary would fit right in in the NFC East. And there's Nicks' year in a nutshell. At least they made the field goal. FREEMAN! I expect Adrian Peterson to get 60 carries tonight. Yeah, the Giants suck on special teams, too. Hold up, let's see about this flag. Is there a Vikings contingent at MetLife Headquarters? 'Cause there was a cheer when the first penalty was announced. I can't fault Weatherford for that horse collar. He's a PUNTER. He doesn't know any better! Still, he could have at least done it to the guy with the ball. Look, if you're gonna bench Eli, you've got to bench about 40 other guys too. There are two players on this team who haven't been God-awful: Cruz and Prince. That's it, that's the list.


But maybe it's not all hopeless:



Did Rolle even hit Simpson? It looked like he was closer to hitting Prince. That's a clutch punt. Well at least the Vikings still have Jared Allen. OK, he just sacked two guys with one arm. Way to start the second half, Vikings. SPECIAL TEAMS. Wait, did he go down on his own? Moron. This same guy ran one back earlier. We got guys just falling down by themselves all over the place here. What is this?


Can't put that one on Freeman. Why did Sharrif Floyd have the ball in the first place? What is going ON up there?


And I can't believe I haven't made this point yet, and I'm not sure Tirico or Gruden have, either (as I'm only half-watching this debacle): Why in God's name are you throwing so many passes with a guy who's been there for two weeks?



Freeman and Hillis postgame: "Seriously, fuck Schiano, right?" (Giants 23, Vikings 7)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Kansas City (7-0):


2. Denver (6-1) — Do we see some holes?
3. Seattle (6-1) — Not pretty, but effective
4. New Orleans (5-1) — May already have division wrapped up

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Giants (1-6) — Finally!
30. Minnesota (1-5) — I hope management kept the receipt
31. Tampa Bay (0-6) — It gets worse and worse
32. Jacksonville (0-7) — See above
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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Reset Buttons

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, DAL @ NE, HOU @ BAL

It's Week 6 and this is pretty much it. How did we get here, exactly? OK, so because of the roughing the passer flag, none of that happened? Cool. That means I don't have to try to describe it. Coaches have to hate these fourth-and-short situations just inside the opponents' 40 because none of the options are ideal. You just have to hope you're right. Like that right there. Touchdown! Sure, let's get another one, why not? No? Yeah, he didn't make it. Let's try again. That's better. It's taken the Redskins an entire half to put together a drive. Donte Stallworth's still alive? These red-zone giveaways have been happening way too often. And yet it feels like each team should have about 10 more points than they do. Vick looked like he was trying to shake something out of his head after that hit, which concerns me. Here's Vince Young! Back to pass... oops. Everything about that looked bad. Kurt Coleman strikes again? Ladies and gentlemen... Rex Grossman. Me, on Facebook last week: "Eagles are 1-4. Giants just lost at home to Seattle. Cowboys can't be trusted. Did Rex Grossman know something the rest of the world didn't?" Yes. And that something is, he's still a bad quarterback. JOHN BECK LIVES. Well, at least he's not throwing it to the opposition. That's a step up at this point. This is the third decent drive the Redskins have had all game and Beck fumbled in the middle of it. And there's the four-wide quarterback draw that Shanahan's been running for 20 years. I don't think I've ever seen it not work. Not blowing this would be nice. Now the Redskins can't stop the run. Seal it up! caps pen, puts away (Eagles 20, Redskins 13)

Wait, the Bengals are 4-2? What the hell? (Bengals 27, Colts 17)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: I know it was 24-3. I know the line was 14 points, which equals about 32 in college. But how wasn't this worse? The Packers must have called off the dogs at halftime or something because considering the Rams' weaknesses (pass protection, awful secondary, no WRs) this could have easily gotten to 44. (Packers 24, Rams 3)

Apparently postgame handshakes are Serious Business in the Schwartz household. (49ers 25, Lions 19)

Whoa, Brady got intercepted? That doesn't happen. Man, we got defense all over the place here. Wait, what? They called roughing the passer on that? Look, I'm the last person to wax apoplectic about how quarterbacks are treated on the field these days, but we can close the Best Actor: Drama Emmy vote right now, because Tom Brady just locked it up. This is... closer than I was expecting. Awful sack for Romo to take there. The Cowboys really needed a touchdown there and they didn't get it. What the... Two Pats turnovers on consecutive drives? That doesn't happen either. The Cowboys really needed a touchdown there and they didn't get it. Why? Because he's still Tom Brady. And that's how he rolls. Look, I get why Garrett's getting killed for going conservative near the end and allowing Brady to get the ball back, but if he takes the wraps off and Romo throws another game-losing interception, he gets killed for that, too. He can't win. And that's why those two red-zone field goals killed them in the end. (Patriots 20, Cowboys 16)

Afterwards, Jay Cutler was as shocked as everyone else was that teams still kick to Devin Hester. Though I can't imagine they still do it on purpose — Vikings punter Chris Kluwe was on Dan LeBatard's new show and said that in their second meeting last year, he had been trying to kick it out of bounds away from Hester and it worked — except for the one time it didn't. Meanwhile, did we see Donovan McNabb's last pass? The Vikings aren't good, aren't going to do anything this year, and when you make the move to the overdrafted first-round pick (I say that even though I do like Ponder), it's just tough to go back. (Bears 39, Vikings 10)

My God, this game is ponderous. I'd be falling asleep if the pain I'm feeling from watching this wasn't so overwhelming. Plus so many things are blowing my mind. Why is Matt Moore throwing at Darrelle Revis at every given opportunity? Why can't the Jets run the ball anymore? Why are the Dolphins being outscored by the Panthers — the Florida Panthers? And is Matt Leinart watching this game and throwing up in his mouth? ("I don't want to talk about it.") I need answers to these questions but I'm not sure I want them. (Jets 24, Dolphins 6)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa2011 (2-4, L1): Three points. That's all I needed from Dustin Keller, Jets. You couldn't even manage that against the worst team in the league?

JackSux 10 (6-0, W6): Another week, another win. This time over Rob.

KeyStar V (4-2, L1): Got caught in quarterback limbo and might be in it again as new acquisition Sam Bradford is hurt and questionable. 20 points from Billy Cundiff (!) kept things close.

DellSux BQBFL (1-5, L5): My quarterbacks are too good. Jason Campbell going down briefly gave me some hope before the Raiders got desperate and paid too much for Carson Palmer (more on that next week).

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (6-0) — It won't always be this easy, will it?
2. New England (5-1) — Textbook narrow escape
3. San Francisco (5-1) — Starting to look legit
4. New Orleans (4-2) — Not a good day when your own coach is the week's second-worst injury

BOTTOM 4:
29. Minnesota (1-5) — The future may have begun
30. St. Louis (0-5) — Lucky to have survived
31. Indianapolis (0-6) — Hanging tough, if nothing else
32. Miami (0-6) — Seriously, what was that?
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Saturday, December 18, 2010

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Rated NC-17

We were supposed to get Giants-Vikings before the METRODOME BROKE. I'm guessing Bucs-Redskins instead. Wait, this is an indoor stadium...

Signal Finder: GB @ DET, CIN@ PIT, OAK @ JAX (end), ATL @ CAR (end), MIA @ NYJ

There is absolutely nothing I can say about the first half of this game. Nothing. Even the play that Rodgers suffered the concussion on wasn't all that exciting or violent or controversial. If this game ends 3-0 I'm taking hostages. If this game ends 7-3 I may still take hostages. Really, Mike McCarthy? Fourth and 1 with over a minute left and you call an all-or-nothing bomb? All right, no hostage-taking. The life has seeped out of me after sitting through this. Jay: "Good Lord, what a suckfest that was." (Lions 7, Packers 3)

I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that the Buccaneers themselves lost a game in that exact fashion back in the bad old days. (Buccaneers 17, Redskins 16)

Lede I Probably Couldn't Get Away With: "Over 1,600 flights in and out of Chicago were adversely affected by the weekend's blizzard. Unfortunately for the Bears, Air Brady was not among them." I'm not sure who took a worse beating this weekend: the Bears or Josh Koscheck. (Patriots 36, Bears 7)

I know the weather's not helping matters in the slightest but can I get one decently-played game today? Just one? Wait, did I just see that right? Are you kidding me? Wow. Stay classy, Jets coaching staff. I need to know who this Cameron Wake character is and why it seems he has three sacks in every Dolphins game I've seen this season. Last chance for the Jets and... yeah. Sanchez needs a hug. A look at the box score shows that the Jets had 31 rushes, and yet it seems like their running game has disappeared over the last month. I don't know. (Dolphins 10, Jets 6)

The Giants' plane got stranded in Kansas City. Apparently the Chiefs were also on it. (Chargers 31, Chiefs 0)

This afternoon's games have collectively set the sport back about 20 years. And letting the kicker score the other team's first 22 points — including scoring a touchdown on a fake where nobody laid a hand on him — was the radioactive cherry on top of this landfill of a sundae. (Cardinals 43, Broncos 13)

Let's try to stop the bleeding, gentlemen. That's twice in four weeks. At some point teams are going to have to start saying to themselves, "The first play might be a bomb." That's a good start. You rarely see Reid INSANE WITH ANGER like that but he's wrong here — Vick was still inbounds. Todd Herremans? Todd Herremans! I'm not sure what Vick had in mind when he threw that pass right to Sensabaugh. This is quite a contrast from the last time the Cowboys were on SNF and they just laid down and died. Did Maclin really let that one go right through his hands? That's not good. Somebody got blown up on that screen and the Cowboys are ahead. Then McCoy comes back with a run that about three Cowboys get blown up on. Vick's taking a beating tonight and yet we're tied again. Jackson brought that one all the way across the field without losing any speed. Holy crap! Scandrick almost ran him down. I had no idea he was that fast. He's a terrible cornerback but he almost got him. Oh, DeSean. You're such a jackass sometimes. But I can't completely hate you for this one because it's against the Cowboys and Terence Newman was standing right next to you and didn't do a damn thing. Then the Eagles get it back when Kitna fires off a throw with a man in his face and Roy Williams stumbles. How do you let Jon Kitna run for 10 yards on 4th and 8? How? Jason Witten getting free and scoring a touchdown? That makes sense; that happens all the time. A penalty on a touchback? That's a new one. I don't quite understand throwing a pass there. McCoy is chewing up the Cowboys' run defense at the most opportune time. THAT'S how you run the four-minute drill! Nice work. The Vick-Choice autograph thing was just... strange. (Eagles 30, Cowboys 27)

Clearly, the Giants need a better travel coordinator. Why would you leave three hours early to try to beat a storm that hit the night before? Gates: "Honestly, the only way this Vikings' season is going to get any weirder is if a UFO shows up over the Cities and starts abducting players. But, hey, there are still three weeks after this." And... the streak is over. Sign of the times: it was confirmed on a Tweet from the Vikings' equipment manager. Oh, there's a game. Well, the Giants actually won in Minnesota for once, so that's something, I guess. (Giants 21, Vikings 3)

Memo to the Ravens: Upgrade at cornerback. You can't give up two 95+ yard drives in one game, especially with your defense's reputation. You just can't. I'm pretty sure that two-point conversion pass was intended for Johnson but good on Jones for not dropping it. Oh my God. After all that, Schaub gives it away by throwing a slant to nobody. That may have been the worst pass of the year. The Ravens almost look apologetic. (Ravens 34, Texans 28, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

Jacksux 7 (6-8, L1): Well, no playoffs for us.

RANKINGS

TOP 4
1. New England (11-2) — Neither snow nor cold nor Monsters of Midway...
2. Pittsburgh (10-3) — Just doing business
3. Atlanta (11-2) — See above
4. New Orleans (10-3) — Look who's won six in a row

BOTTOM 4
29. Arizona (4-9) — Even so...
30. Cincinnati (2-11) — Three more weeks, Marvin... three more weeks
31. Denver (3-10) — To be fair, who saw Peyton Hillis blowing up like this?
32. Carolina (1-12) — *taps out*
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Thursday, November 11, 2010

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Absolutely Not Rocket Science

Signal Finder: NYJ @ DET; AZ @ MIN (Really, Channel 29? Really?); IND @ PHI

This is an... interesting choice of game. Braylon will be caught by no one on this bomb. Jason Hanson's still alive? Yeah, not after that, he's not. That play-action bootleg was a thing of beauty and a joy forever. Suh's kicking the extra point? CLANG. And he looks legitimately angry he missed it. Um... why not have the punter kick the PAT? Or is the punter the holder? (Forgive me for not knowing who the Detroit Lions' punter is.) Oh, Rex. Two time outs on back-to-back plays because you had 12 men on the field both times? You've hit a new low. Hey, Jim Schwartz, why are you calling a pass play on third down inside three minutes with the lead and an ice-cold backup quarterback in the game? Good thing Gus Johnson was here. Santonioooooooo. The Jets bailed Rex out today. The Lions' next order of business needs to be upgrading the offensive line because Stafford's too important to them to keep taking these beatings. If he doesn't go down (again) they probably win. (Jets 23, Lions 20, OT)

Ah, Vikings special teams. Why does Derek Anderson look competent? Put the flag down, Childress; it's a fumble. Ah, crap. The Vikings need a touchdown here and I'm not sure why they're not attacking the spot Darnell Dockett just left. I'm also not sure why the ball is anywhere near Jeff freakin' Dugan on fourth and goal from the 1. To go 81 yards in 16 plays and get absolutely nothing out of it... if this is how it ends, it almost seems appropriate. Or not, ad Favre seems to have reached down, grabbed whatever he's got left, and decided that he's not going out like that. Not this soon, at least. Right in Shiancoe's basket! Jared Allen lives! OVERTIME. That was Favre's career-high passing yards game? I find that impossible to believe. The Cardinals blowing a 14-point lead with four minutes left, on the other hand... that just feels like order being restored. (Vikings 27, Cardinals 24, OT)

I AM ERIC MANGINI'S ULTIMATE REVENGE. I did not see the post-game coaches' greeting. Did Mangini walk by Belichick and flip him off? (Browns 34, Patriots 14)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brad Childress; 2. Jason Garrett; 3. The Seahawks' defense; 4. Wade Phillips; 5. Whoever the Chargers' special-teams coach has blackmail of

On the one hand, Reid's never lost after a bye week. On the other hand, Reid's never not been utterly demolished by Peyton Manning. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE. Fun fact, kids: Michael Vick? No interceptions. What Colts uniforms are those? McCoy breaks off a 62-yarder on the first play from scrimmage, which means he'll get about nine more carries the whole game. The Eagles' red-zone offense looks like the Dolphins'. They also can't even cover backup tight ends. Seriously, Jacob Tamme is lighting them up. Oh man, Austin Collie's not moving at all. Here's the thing about that hit: At game speed, it's the right call because Hanson and Coleman hit him a split-second apart and it looks like Coleman led with his helmet. It's not until you slow it down that you see what actually happened — Hanson's hit bounced Collie into Coleman's path. Coleman wouldn't have hit Collie's helmet otherwise. Actually, the refs got that one wrong all the way around. That was a completed pass (as Collie caught the ball, turned upfield and took a step) and should have been a fumble. Also they called it on Mikell when he didn't deliver either hit. But that's not quite as important. This is Edge James' cousin, I've heard. I'm positive I've used the "I've seen fewer flags at the United Nations" line before but I'm breaking it out again because this is getting ridiculous for both sides. Bad challenge, Andy. Avant was out of bounds. Touchdown? Really? That's not even close. Throw that flag, Caldwell! Yeah, Vick didn't even sniff the goal line there. What's with the one guy trying to pull him backwards? I'm calling this right now: If the Eagles have to settle for another field goal here, they will lose. Well, Vick got that one. Is this game gonna end? When did the Yankees and Red Sox start playing football? OMG. That Punt, Pass, and Kick footage of Reid just blew my mind. Roughing the — how is THAT roughing the passer? Did he even touch Peyton because Peyton barely reacted to it, and he would have sold it like grim death if it was close enough. Am I the only one who thought, listening carefully to Phil Simms' opinion on that hit, that part of him really thinks it shouldn't have been called? Just from the way he said a few things. Touchdown Colts, and I will not be surprised at this point if the Eagles go ahead and blow it. The end around works twice in a row? How is that possible? Don't throw it, Mike! Remember the lessons of Drew Stanton! WOW you rarely see Peyton just airmail one like that. Ummm... I don't know what to say here. I've just witnessed a game the Eagles should have both won by 30 and lost, and they beat Peyton Manning for the first time ever doing it. I'm prepared for anything now. (Eagles 26, Colts 24)

And Chiefs-Raiders is still going on! Cable can't bench Campbell after this run, right? (Raiders 23, Chiefs 20, OT)

Collinsworth: "The Cowboys have gone back to basics, but they're basically bad." Is Clay Matthews already better than his dad ever was? (His dad — same name and position — was a baller in his own right, for those too young to remember.) Here's the only play you really need to see: On the James Jones touchdown, Mike Jenkins was bearing down on him, and once Jones caught the ball... Jenkins stopped and stood there and watched Jones run through two Cowboys attempting to tackle him and scored. There are no leaders on that roster. (Packers 45, Cowboys 7)

crosses off Bengals (Steelers 27, Bengals 21)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL Whiskey (4-5, W2): Used a rally on Monday night to beat Doom and move into a tie for seventh.

JackSux 7 (3-6, L1): It happened AGAIN! The first time I faced Johnny, he scored 157 points against me. This time, he scored 167.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:

1. Pittsburgh (6-2) — Defense leads the way again, as it should
2. N.Y. Jets (6-2) — Better to be lucky than good?
3. (tie) New England (6-2) — I know the Browns aren't historically bad anymore but... really? REALLY?
3. (tie) Indianapolis (5-3) — Marvin Harrison's a phone call away — and I'm not even kidding
3. (tie) Baltimore (6-2) — Not to be overlooked

BOTTOM 4:

29. Denver (2-6) — Should consider joining the WAC
30. Carolina (1-7) — A Tony Pike sighting? Dear Lord
31. Dallas (1-7) — Replacing Wade Phillips with Jason Garrett is like deciding you're tired of shooting yourself in the face with a .38 and switching to a .45
32. Buffalo (0-8) — Canada couldn't send them back fast enough
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Thursday, October 21, 2010

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Land Crashing

Signal Finder: ATL @ PHI, DAL @ MIN, NYJ @ DEN

I have no idea what to expect any more. That's a good start. What we're seeing here also is the Falcons' pass defense still not being quite up to par. I mean, how do you let DeSean Jackson get that open? cringes Well that'll put a stop to that. Like I've said before, you know it's serious when even the slow-motion replay looks like it hurts. It's almost a miracle that neither guy needed to be carted off. Did Maclin's knee hit? Yep. OK. Now we've got two drive-killing tipped passes for interceptions at both ends of the field. Moore's navigating this runback like a punt return. Siragusa: "I dunno; I don't think you can call a horse-collar on a quarterback." Also, finding out that Moose married a woman from Philly is kind of like John Elway's current wife being a former Raiders cheerleader... it's just not right. The other problem is that the Eagles were about to bury the Falcons and now they're on the board. You know whose name I haven't heard much today is Michael Turner. Four missed field goals at the same end? When did this game get moved to Heinz Field? The deep pass to Maclin off the fake end around was pretty sweet. Kolb was sharp today and has given Andy another problem to deal with, and I'm struggling to remember the last quarterback situation to be thrown into utter chaos in this specific manner. (Eagles 31, Falcons 17)

I remain surprised that the Seahawks managed to get more than a couple of tackling sleds for Deion Branch for all the good he did them. Just keep throwing, Ravens — that's how you beat these guys. Looking at it again, Brandon Meriwether's lucky he didn't get thrown out of the game for that. Leaving your feet and driving your helmet into the receiver's after the ball's past you? That's B.S. Part of why Branch has seven catches already is that he doesn't command the double- and triple-teams that Moss did. How did Danny Woodhead end up as the Pats' leading rusher in this game? If Branch doesn't pick up that first down this game might end in a tie. Well that took long enough. I was kind of hoping for a tie here just to see the playoff scenario calculator explode two months from now. (Patriots 23, Ravens 20, OT)

The larger development here is that Colt McCoy got out alive. Didn't Mike Holmgren say he wasn't going to play this year? (Steelers 28, Browns 10)

Man, Sanchez's interceptionless streak was living on borrowed time anyway (and the Broncos dropped two on the first two drives before that one). I see being traded still hasn't given Laurence Maroney the ability to run downhill. Tim Tebow lives! Somewhere, Urban Meyer is sighing wistfully. I feel like the Broncos' running game is suffering for the same reason the Cowboys have trouble — they use too many guys and don't use them effectively and in the right situations, and in Denver's case, they all do similar things. When it rains, it pours. So Prater hits from 59 but misses from 49? Whatever. How is Orton having this season with Brandon Lloyd and Jabar Gaffney as his starting wide receivers? That... was a penalty. SCORE. What was that? Where was that snap on the field goal in the first quarter? (Jets 24, Broncos 20)

Clearly, Mike Singletary needs to threaten to bench Alex Smith during the third quarter every week. (49ers 17, Raiders 6)

I may put the loser here in "Act of God" territory. Favre's getting pounded already. So who's that fumble on — Peterson or Favre? Greg Camarillo? Really? OK, if you say so. OMG. You idiots got flagged for the same thing LAST WEEK! Then Austin gets a touchdown taken away from him for pushing down a defender he already had beaten. (About five minutes in real time later, someone in the Jets-Broncos game also got called for offensive pass interference. Clearly the avenues of communication got cut off, as that penalty is called once and only once a week.) I know I criticized the Cowboys for throwing too much last week, but why wouldn't you this week with the Vikings down two corners? That's not usually as easy as Harvin made that look. That this game is tied at this point seems... appropriate, somehow. What E.J. Henderson did to Romo is reminding me of a Seahawks-Eagles game a few years back when Lofa Tatupu picked off A.J. Feeley like 16 times or something. And there's the go-ahead field goal. If I were a Vikings fan, I'd be thanking God every night I hit my knees that they play in the NFC. (Vikings 24, Cowboys 21)

What the... did the Raiders kidnap the Colts, steal their jerseys, and fly to Washington? I'm no longer sure who has worse hands: the Redskins' receivers or their defensive backs. Fun fact: This is the closest Donovan McNabb has ever come to beating Peyton Manning. (Colts 27, Redskins 24)

You know, the Titans are pretty good. (Titans 30, Jaguars 3)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (2-4, W1): Or, the NFC, as Max points out that seven teams are 4-2.

JackSux 7 (2-4, W1): Finally, a complete team effort.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Jets (5-1) — Resourceful — and a little lucky — to the end
2. Pittsburgh (4-1) — It's like he never left
3. New England (4-1) — Warts and all, they're still not an easy out
4. Baltimore (4-2) — That didn't end so well

BOTTOM 4:

29. Dallas (1-4) - C'MON, MAN!
30. Cleveland (1-5) - At least they're scoring touchdowns this year
31. Carolina (0-5) - I hope John Fox has a moving van reserved
32. Buffalo (0-5) - Still managed to lose by nine
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Thursday, January 28, 2010

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth: B.T.S.I.

A missed field goal inside 40 yards in the playoffs? That's never hap– oh, wait. Actually, the remarkable thing here is that it happened to the Jets this time instead of against them. Wow. Not only did that play-fake fool everybody, but Braylon actually caught the pass. I'm not sure which is more impressive. That quarterback sneak looked as bad as Eli's last-gasp one against the Eagles in last year's playoffs. I'll say it again: Mannings don't make their money with their feet. Whoa, they let Brad Smith throw a pass. They almost scored there – the ball floated a bit and Cotchery couldn't get clear of the defender. The Jets have gotten pretty much everything they could have wanted so far – they've hit a few big plays and kept the Colts out of the end zone. Let's see if it lasts. And there's a turnover! IF the Jets can get six here it might be time to get concerned. But they don't, and that's a big hold by the Colts defense. See, here's the problem the Jets face: As good as Revis is, he can't cover four people at once, and Peyton's just not even looking in his direction any more no matter where he is. Beautiful. The DB there just mis-timed his jump and Collie caught it in stride. Touchdown! That was big.

It'll be interesting to see what happens now that Greene's down – Thomas Jones is no slouch, but they've really been riding Greene during this run. I don't know if I would have tried a field goal there, but it's really no man's land in that spot – the Colts' 34 is too close to punt, but fourth-and-7 is probably too far to go for it. Nantz points out that the two Jets wearing casts couldn't wrap Addai up. Have the Colts run the ball since his fumble? I'm not sure. And, seemingly inevitably, the Colts take the lead. Rex is hot about something. Oh, that's what – Sanchez just got blindsided. You know who's having a good day is the Colts' punter. Wayne was lucky to fall on that one. The Colts need a touchdown here. And thanks to the Jets' coverage issues, they're going to get it. How does Dallas Clark, of all people, get that open there? It really almost isn't worth betting against Peyton Manning at this point. (Colts 30, Jets 17)

Earplugs? Pansies. The Vikings are starting out doing what the Cowboys tried to do to them last week, which is worth noting somehow. Nice hole for Peterson to run through when they finally got around to running. Sweet cutback to the inside by Pierre Thomas on the screen pass. Ouch! Favre took a shot there. Throw a flag! It was after a handoff, for crying out loud. This is gonna be one of those games, isn't it? Bush plucked that one out of the air, didn't he? Hey, Reggie, you know that deal you allegedly made with Kim? You sure you want to be doing things like that? That is... yeah, he's got that. I don't even know who the Saints' nominal starters at wide receiver are and it really doesn't matter, thinking about it. Favre is taking some serious hits. Things have slowed down somewhat. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU. There's at least three points down the drain. That's a big return to open the second half. David Thomas hasn't gotten this much run ever. What, again? If I'm Brad Childress, I'm putting in a call to Tom Coughlin to find out how he fixed Tiki's fumbling problem. Because this can be solved, and it's going to have to be solved. That's more like it. Seriously, Favre is getting his ass kicked out there. A high-low shot? Is he all right?

Of course he's coming back in. Whatever Peterson's got is apparently contagious. Oh, I see – that last spin Bush made as he got hit turned him around so that he could stick the ball over the pylon. Now BERRIAN'S fumbling? Unbelievable. Can anybody here hold on to the ball? All of a sudden the Saints can't cover Shiancoe. Try holding on to this one, Adrian. And we're tied. Two minutes, 37 seconds left. Your move, Brett. Twelve men in the huddle? Really, Vikings? Really? And after a time out, to boot? Now they're out of field goal range – or, at least, 2010 NFL Playoffs field goal range. GOOD GOD FAVRE WHAT ARE YOU DOING. And Aikman immediately says, “That's the first thing they teach you is not to do that.” Much like Nick Harper in 2006, if Porter cuts in the opposite direction of where he did cut, he's gone. Overtime! And this could conceivably go on for days. Having Thomas return this kickoff when he didn't return any of the others in this game – or, for that matter, this year (he was the kickoff returner last year) shows you how important this one is. I don't know about that pass interference call. Pierre needs to get a tighter hold on the ball if he's going to go airborne like that. Hasn't he been watching the game? Yes, Mark Brunell is still alive. You might not have known that before now. It's GOOD!

In 2001, Kevin Nash tore his bicep during a WWF wrestling match. About eight months later, on his first night back from that injury, he was in a 10-man tag team match and he blew out his knee. I was reminded of this while watching Favre take hit after hit after hit (and not actually get sacked once!) and said the same thing I said back then: This is a sign from God. He's telling you to stop. Nash didn't listen, and he's been doing the same thing over and over again since then. And Favre's last three seasons have ended with two interceptions and an illegal forward pass penalty.

Or, put more simply: Brett Favre IS who we THOUGHT HE WAS. (Saints 31, Vikings 28, OT)


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Listening to: Talking Heads - Life During Wartime
via FoxyTunes

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth: Laces Out

This happened last week, right? No? Oh, not right away. Gotcha. I believe this is 82 consecutive drives where the Cardinals' defense hasn't forced a punt. (Slight exaggeration. Also I'm not about to use a hash tag in a blog.) FOX ran five replays of the last three plays and I still don't think they every figured out what actually happened to Shockey's leg. Man, DRC and Rolle out? This could get ugly if the Saints score again. Right on cue! I guarantee that whoever just ate the business end of Reggie Bush's shoulder wasn't expecting it. Nice spin move afterward. Oh, a Saints punt. They called roughing the passer for that? Weaksauce. Though it's a potential game-changer because if the Saints get the ball back and score another touchdown, this game's over. And yes, I know the second quarter just started. Is Boldin playing? Because the Cards don't seem to need him. We've got a game here. Or not. CHICANERY~~~~! That's a clean hit. Standard-issue body check. Dude didn't leave his feet or anything. The Cardinals' defense can't stop anything right now. Another touchdown. Matt Leinart lives! I see Rackers still has the shakes. Warner's back, but why? On the opposite side of the spectrum, why punt here? It's the playoffs! You gotta win! And so much for that after Bush runs that one back. The Saints are calling off the dogs now. Was that a tight end reverse? (Saints 45, Cardinals 14)

One important difference is that the rest enabled the Colts to heal up, except for Viniatieri, who's inactive but still stashed on the roster. The Colts' engine is humming. Anyone else think the Ravens are throwing too much? This team is absolutely not equipped to get into a shootout. Still, both defenses have held up very well so far, so the Ravens could do this if they get a big play and can hold on to their edge. Hey, that's the same terrible play Belichick called on fourth and 2. I don't care if it worked. This Colts drive feels like it's lasted about two hours. Eight minutes? OK. Touchdown. What was the flag on Lewis about? He didn't get there late, did he? I couldn't tell. Did the Colts just score again? That took about nine seconds. The Ravens are hurting themselves with flags – is this the first game again? GARCON! PUNCH! This IS the first game again. Friends, I've watched a lot of football for a long time, and I can't remember ever seeing one player lose two interceptions on the same drive. Hey, another successful field goal. How does Rice let himself get chased down by a defensive tackle? (By the way, that Rice-Brock meetup? Rutgers vs. Temple.) That couldn't have been a comfortable landing. Next! (Colts 20, Ravens 3)

I find it interesting that the Cowboys are coming out throwing the ball. FUMBLE. AGAIN. Really, Wade? You're gonna try a 48-yard field goal on fourth and 1 from the opposing 30 with a bad kicker? shakes head Why is a linebacker covering Sidney Rice? I have to think that the offensive line's struggles over the last month of the regular season are at least somewhat responsible for Peterson's struggles at the same time. Seems like it can't be a coincidence and it isn't being talked about. Speaking of things that aren't being talked about, has anyone seen Roy Williams? (Here's a fun stat: You know who had more catches than Roy this season? Michael Crabtree. In four fewer games.) It's the Sidney Rice show! And again a linebacker ended up chasing him. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Well that was a bit after the whistle. Man, Dallas is completely reverting to playoff form here – confused quarterback, overmatched offensive line, defensive support players coming up small. This couldn't have happened last week? I mean, I'm still enjoying it, but really. Okay, I'm gonna go outside and practice my placekicking. This'll keep. Yes, I know it's raining. That's even better. Adverse conditions and all that. This isn't even an isolated playoff phenomenon. This has been going on for the last month. Man, Edwards was crushing fools before he got hurt. Sidney Rice again! That'll be that, I suppose. Okay, that last touchdown? Unnecessary. But... really, Keith Brooking? Really? That's the closest you've gotten to Favre all day, by the way. I'm hopelessly biased, but that little display, in a nutshell, is why the Cowboys are so universally despised. Bunch of arrogant tools who turn into whiny babies when things don't go their way and have the biggest sense of entitlement outside of South Bend. I award them no points, and may God have mercy on our souls. (Vikings 34, Cowboys 3)

Three domed stadiums and San Diego. JANUARY FOOTBALL. GAH. Nate Kaeding's in the Pro Bowl this year, too, which makes that miss even more maddening. Chargers are committing a lot of little crap penalties. This feels like exactly the kind of game the Jets want. As good as Revis is, I still feel compelled to ask why defensive backs haven't gotten taller to match up with all the tall receivers in the league now. Though someone should have been watching Wilson. This'll be a close review – it's the kind of break the Jets'll need to get if it holds. But it doesn't. Ah well. The Jets are running Shonn Greene into the ground. Holy crap, Braylon caught a pass! Seriously, this game is right there for the Jets to steal if they can hit something... but the Jammer pick's not gonna help matters. The Revis pick might. That's a clutch punt. That may be the break the Jets were looking for. More stupid Chargers penalties. Touchdown Jets? Touchdown Jets! What's going on here? The Chargers almost gave that one away too. No one's really played that well for the home side. GREENE WITH THE DAGGER! Are the Jets going to the AFC championship game? The Jets are going to the AFC championship game. I'm going to repeat this because it bears repeating: Nate Kaeding is a PRO BOWL KICKER. THIS YEAR. And he might be out of work the following Monday. This right here is the Bolts' last chance. Wait, what's this flag? Jackson kicked the challenge flag? That's Raider-esque. Also I don't think the Chargers have called a running play since the first quarter. All right, we'll count the sneak. OK, why did the Chargers onside kick at that point? They were gonna get the ball back. We haven't seen much of Thomas Jones today. There he is! This should never have happened. Butch: “Rooting for the Chargers is like being in love with a stripper.” On the other side, I had the Jets dead and buried three weeks ago. (Jets 17, Chargers 14)


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Listening to: Company of Thieves - Pressure
via FoxyTunes

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